The question was posed to us if flirting on the internet, by someone who is married, considered cheating. Here’s a portion of the answer I gave:
If someone is married, why would they think it’s permissible to flirt with anyone other than with their spouse? What about Internet flirting? Aren’t they putting themselves into a situation where they can fall into temptation? They’re playing with the emotions of someone else who shouldn’t be flirting with someone who is married. Isn’t this called being a “stumbling block” in tempting them to sin?
Is Flirting on the Internet Considered Cheating?
That other person may not know the person who is flirting with them is married. So, what if they build up romantic feelings for the flirting married person and they eventually find out that this person is married, is that fair? It puts them into a place of pain as they then have to make the decision to tear their heart away from someone they care for. It’s either that or they end up participating in cheating —either way, they lose.
I sure wouldn’t want that done to me if I were single! And I think the person who is flirting should consider that other persons’ feelings also. That’s really being cruel and inhumane to have so little compassion on the feelings of others —to be so insensitive that they would consider doing that to them!
I’m reminded of the Pharaoh of Egypt in Genesis 12 when Abram allowed his wife to be passed off as an unmarried woman and Pharaoh took her into his palace. It says in verse 17, “But the LORD inflicted serious diseases on Pharaoh and his household because of Abram’s wife Sarai. So Pharaoh summoned Abram. ‘What have you done to me?’ he said. ‘Why didn’t you tell me she was your wife? Why did you say, ‘She is my sister, so I took her to be my wife’?”
Even Internet Flirting Can be Considered Cheating
One can argue that the circumstances went a step further than flirting. But it still comes down to one person contributing to another person sinning, and innocent people are hurt in the process.
Also the Bible talks about the fact that if we do something in our thoughts it’s the same as actually doing the deed itself. Flirting is being sexual in your attitude and/or words, so it doesn’t leave out the fact that this is defiling the Marriage Bed —which the Bible warns us against doing!
And even if the flirting spouse was up front with the fact that they were married, they’re contributing to another person sinning. If someone flirts with someone who is married, they’re guilty of trespassing into that marriage. They have no business flirting with someone else’s spouse.
So… tempting someone to flirt with you when you’re married is causing them to sin. Is that something we should do —contribute to tempting someone else to sin? Would that spouse want that to be done to their daughter or son? God doesn’t want it done to His either.
What About the Feelings of the Spouse?
And even if you put all of this aside, what about the other spouse who has their marital partner flirting with someone else? How is this cherishing and honoring them (as the flirting partner promised in their wedding vows to do)? Can this be considered as “forsaking all others” as promised in the wedding vows? How does this make the faithful spouse feel? I can tell you that it hurts into the core of their being! How is that humane?
It takes an insensitive and/or immoral person to do that to someone else! We’re to be different than the animals. Being creatures of compassion is a large part of what separates us from the animals. I don’t see much compassion in this situation. It sounds more cruel to me!
It all comes down to making the choice of being a promise-keeper or being someone who only cares about themselves —that they don’t care who they hurt in the process. THAT’S what the person is deciding when they flirt with someone else who isn’t their spouse —whether it’s on the internet or elsewhere.
Just because it’s on the internet, it doesn’t mean that integrity is supposed to be removed from our actions. Integrity is who you are, and what you do, when no one else is looking but God. And flirting outside of marriage screams against being a person of integrity. It says, “I’m self-centered and I don’t care who I hurt in the process! What I want is what’s important here!”
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
— ALSO —
Here’s another article that could bring further insight into this issue:
• HELP! My Spouse is a Flirt. What Can I Do?
(US) I asked my husband if I could respond to an old High School friend I went to prom with, who sent me a FB request, but I wanted to know how he feels about it 1st. He said NO, why would I need to talk to him. I just made this story up so I could see his response to the emails I found. This is the 2nd time I found out my husband was flirting on the internet (facebook).
The 1st time I was furious, told him it was inappropriate & he said he would never do it again. He knew it was wrong & did not want to hurt me. So he leaves his FB open & I checked his posting & found a private chat with another woman very late at night. They were old High School friends & lovers. He says things like “he’s up late because he’s thinking about you too much”, “He asked her about her sexuality”, “what does she like to do for fun and maybe she could pick a place she likes & they could hang out.” He called her sexy & she called him cupcake. He said he did it because he was bored with our relationship but never told me there was a problem so I thought everything was ok. He said it is only “words” he never slept with her or planned to, he wanted to see if he still had it; it was only entertainment to him. He loves me, wants only me & his family.
For years my husband has accused me of flirting, cheating & I never have. He used to check my phone, follow me. We have gone to counseling & they all say your wife is not cheating. He has called me names, accused me of flirting with his best friend who is married. It’s been awful. I value the vows I made & would never cheat on my husband, but when I found this email it cut like a knife that all the times he has accused me, look at what he is doing.
I am trying to make a decision on where to go from here and a divorce is on my mind. I want to do the right thing, but this is very hard to swallow. He does to me what he does not want done to him. I am a good wife and mother & I deserve more. I want to be happy in life & right now I am crushed that the person I gave my life to has done this to me. Please help.
(NORWAY) Oh Dear you! My heart goes out to you! I have the same kind of situation right now, with the man I am engaged to. He is flirting on facebook, requesting friendships with pretty girls, looking at porn, etc. I just recently found out! I think I have no other option than to break up with him, because this hurt and dissapointment is more than I can take!
How are you now? Take care
(UNITED STATES) I am going through the same thing. I recently got married Mar 24, 2010 and I am 4 months pregnant. And yesterday I found out again that my husband had been flirting with women telling them they were sexy. This is the 2nd time I caught something like this. First, it was myspace and this time it was mocospace. My feeling are destroyed. I honestly want space from him. He tries to justify that it’s just on the computer what harm could it do?? Well, to me it did a lot of harm because I completely do not trust him. What kind of marriage do I have if I do not trust my husband???
(S. AFRICA) Dear Lorrie, Please see my entry dated 29th December 2008. NO, you are not over reacting. If your husband does not stop his adulterous behavior you will end up like me. I should have stopped it when I could but like you I thought – “what harm can there be when we live in S. Africa and she lives miles away in New Zealand?” I thought I was over reacting. Big mistake.
It was not long after my entry that she flew out to S. Africa and spent a three week holiday here with my husband. During that time he had moved out of the house “to think.” They also got engaged and plans for two divorces (his and hers) were put into action. So Mexico does not help one bit. If this carries on they will make plans to meet. It is so sad but please be aware of this danger. Do what you have to do. Lock or give the computer away if need be. Talk to your husband kindly and tell him his behavior is NOT acceptable. Pray and ask God’s guidance in everything you say and do. My divorce is now in process as a result of a story just like yours. God bless.
(FIJI) My husband and I were happy together before all this internet craze came into effect. Now he spends so much time on the net and rarely enough time with his family. I found out about his internet ladies one day when I loaded some photos on his Facebook and his chat window popped up. The message said, ‘Hi babe. R u there yet’? I was shocked at first but then instinct gave in and so I checked his Messages and found all this emails to women on Facebook. I was shocked to read most of them coz there were all details of what they would do to each other sexually. And to make it worse, these women were all old women who looked unhappy in their marriages.
At first I thought it was my fault, that maybe I drove him to do that. But then I realized he had been doing this for a while. When I asked him, he just laughed it off and said it was all for fun and that it didn’t mean anything. No sex was involved for him so he said why should I worry? I was so angry I wanted to leave but the kids kept me strong. I realize that internet is a vicious place where no good comes out of it. Even though he has said sorry, part of me no longer has that trust. I keep telling myself, when will another one come up? Am I right in doing that or should I just forgive and forget? I know that it is hard but my kids love their father too.
(UNITED STATES) I just need to know if talking and texting an ex is considered cheating, because I feel that it is. I have seen some of the messages between my wife and her ex. We got married when she was 16 and I was 18 so all I hear is she never got to experience “the so called party life” and that they are friends and she can talk to him about things. I know it’s wrong but if it wasn’t for our 3 special need kids I probably wouldn’t be still married. I grew up in a divorced family and don’t want this for my kids.
I have caught her so many times and she says she won’t talk to him anymore. The other night she says she feels so in love with me and can finally look at me with love for the first time in a long time. But then I see an email the very next day dated for that day to her ex and she would do for him and what he would do for her. I just don’t know what to do any more. Any suggestions? Please reply.
(USA) Josh, please understand that what I say is filtered through the Bible as the reason for what I say and believe. You didn’t indicate if you and your wife are Christ-followers, but we are and believe that God created marriage, He set the standard for our sexual relationships and the Bible is clear on this subject.
When a couple gets married they are to “leave and cleave;” and while this is specifically talking about leaving our parents and uniting to form a new home, it is also applicable to all previous relationships we had, including brothers, sisters, friends and ex-boyfriends and girlfriends. I believe God, in His wisdom, set this boundary for us because He knew there would be the temptation to drift if we were given the chance.
I don’t know what wedding vows you and your wife took, but the traditional vows include: “…will you have this man to be your husband; to live together in the covenant of marriage? Will you love him, comfort him, honor and keep him, in sickness and in health; and, forsaking all others, be faithful to him as long as you both shall live?”
Jesus was also very clear in His teaching about adultery. When He was pressed by the religious leaders of His day on the topic He not only said that when a man or a woman commits “physical” adultery that it was sin but also, “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matt. 5:28) And while He was referring to a man, He also meant women as well.
You may want to encourage your wife to come onto our web site and into the section on Emotional Infidelity (Affairs of the Heart) and read what other women have written about the pain of their emotional affairs. She is playing with fire and not only will she ultimately wind up getting burned, she will also burn you and her kids if she continues.
I can’t be much clearer than this. But I will also say to you – make sure you are the husband your wife needs. If you’d like to find a book to help you in this, I suggest, “Love and Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. You can find it by going through the link on our home page to Amazon.Com.
I hope this helps you and your wife resolve this problem in a healthy, mature way. Blessings! – – Steve Wright, Marriage Missions International
The problem, Josh, is that so many of us, when we take are vows do not take them seriously, especially the part about “forsaking all others” and “being faithful as long as you both shall live..”
Okay, so you both got married “too young.” But you ARE married and that means everything changes. There’s nothing in the Bible that says we have an “escape clause” if we felt cheated because we didn’t get to experience “the party life.”
Marriage is messy; it was never intended to be easy and it is full of responsibility… especially when you have children. Marriage is for grown ups.
(ZIMBABWE) Why would one want to have a cyberspace relationship when you he/she has a normal relationship with somebody? That’s the beginning of cheating and I just believe if one is serious about the current relationship he/she has, he/she should just stop having some internet relationships because surely it hurts the other innocent party. I’ve seen relationships souring because of this.
(USA) Hi everyone, I feel your pain. I had a similar similar story, where my husband had been talking to his ex girlfriend from his high school years, but they do not live in the same state. First of all, he never told me she was his ex. He just said that she was a friend. But I found out myself that she was an ex-girlfriend. So I found out that he will call her and she will call him either when he is working or when I am not around. Keep in mind, she knows that he has a wife, but she doesn’t show any respect.
So for years I have been insecure, and going crazy about gosh, I bet he’s talking to her now while at work. Ladies, always go with your gut feeling. Every time I had a gut feeling I always found evidence to prove that my hunch was right. But now I feel more secure about myself. Never allow a man to get in your head where as they say you’re too fat or too skinny or just try to put you down. I believe men do this to keep a woman insecure about themselves, to keep their woman believing that they cannot get anyone better then him.
Ladies, I pray that you keep a positive outlook and know that if you are absolutely not doing anything wrong like flirting, cheating physically, and emotionally, then please remember what goes around comes around. He may not feel it now but I promise you his day will come where he will feel all the pain you once felt, the pain that he put you through. I definitely agree that men do not know what they have until it’s gone. It’s so sad to say, but so true.
So ladies, always keep a positive attitude and know that if you genuinely are not doing anything wrong, the Lord sees everything, and I truly do believe that if you are genuinely a great person, the Lord will always have your back and guide you to a happier life. As long as you keep the Lord in your heart, he will answer you sooner or later. Best of luck to y’all ladies, and God bless:)
(USA) Not to go against the grain here, but seriously?!? If your spouse is cheating on you, chances are – there were plenty of RED flags before you had proof! Today it is simply too easy for someone to get divorced. In fact, I would even say it is easier to get divorced (w/o children, of course) than married in some cases.
As for the Bible, NO you shouldn’t flirt online, but flirting can be innocent to some people. It depends on perception. You need to communicate what your perception is about situations with your spouse! Tell your husband, “your chatting online with that girl makes me uneasy and I would like you to stop with respect to our marriage”.
What does your hubby say? Does he lie and keep talking to her? That is a HUGE red flag. Does he say NO, he doesn’t think it will hurt your relationship? HUGE red flag! Come on people. Either you open up your lines of communication, or you suffer through a disrespectful, lovel-less marriage when ultimately you end up the one being hurt.
(SWITZERLAND) I left my husband, a Doctor, after a 6 year relationship. He too always hid his cell phone, messages, etc. He had the numbers of 100’s of women. I could not imagine why he needed to keep them. Then he joined Facebook, Twitter, etc. and started flirting. I talked to him about this and he said “It’s just nothing”. Then there is FLICKER, the photo site. He posed as a single man collecting hundreds of porno pix and contacts.
All of this and I didn’t even mention to you yet why I left. During the last 2 years he dished out unspeakable verbal, emotional and finally started physical abuse. I became completely frightened of him. He was sweet talking young women on Twitter and being a Monster to me. I am 60; he’s 72. I was in post traumatic stress and had to seek counseling. When someone says “I’ll kill you,” you get out and leave, which is what I did. I packed 3 suitcases, left the rest, and got on a plane to the States.
That was last June ‘2010. I now am pretty much over him. It has been hard! He got angry and divorced me claiming I abandoned him. He’s a Narcissist/BP which is a very dangerous person to be around. I know that since I was putting so much energy into the WRONG man, just think how happy I’ll be when the RIGHT one comes along.
(UNITED STATES) I found out about a month ago that my husband of 20 years was having an internet affair with a close family friend. She is married also. They literally live across the country from each other and it didn’t get physical, but there was physical talk and they were planning to meet up.
I was uncomfortable with the relationship, but felt wrong for saying anything because we have known each other forever. Now, although I have forgiven him, my heart seems to be broken and cannot be repaired. I don’t trust him and I question everything thinking there is a hidden motive or an underlying truth. It would seem to be natural, but have been told that I have to let it go.
To me, trust is freely given the first time and after that it must be earned. I need to move on. I know I cannot hold onto the pain and I feel that I’m not, yet everything seems to hurt my feelings. How do I fix myself and my marriage if I cannot let go?
(CANADA) I’m not married but I was in a relationship for 2 years and a month. He broke up with me after some arguments and because we saw each other mostly on weekend days and nights rather then weeknights and I didn’t go to parties with him. He use to be so sweet telling me I’m beautiful and he loves me..
I kept calling him because I was shocked at what happened. after 2 months he said he was sorry for all the stuff he said and for hurting me. He asked for another chance and I told him I can’t see myself with anyone but him and he smiled and hugged me (before he couldn’t stand to be near me when we had broken up).
He called and text me and we saw each other. Then he was at a party and he called me in the AM hours to invite me but I didn’t go, he said he loved me. I heard a girl at the party saying, “Why are you talking to HER at 2:40? He said I called him and I heard her say “suuuure” she sounded annoyed and jealous. I saw pictures of her wrapping her arms around his neck and chest pressing against him. He said he didn’t know who she was or remembered that night.
I had a sickening feeling inside and asked if we were going out (I was sure he’d laugh and say of course) but he calmly said no, “I’m single.” I cried and he yelled at me and said “this is why we should have never talked! Get out of my life!” He said he did nothing to lead me on into thinking we’re going out. He apologized later that day and we hung out once since then. He got a hickey the night after his 19th birthday; he said he didn’t remember it (everyone here goes to bars when they turn 19).
We’re not going out but we hang out… I noticed he’s friends on facebook with that girl from the party. I just want to cry because I miss all the good times and I feel angry towards that girl.
(MY) Hi. Thanks for all the sharing. My story is quite long because this is my first time sharing it out. All this while I only keep it to myself.
We’ve been married for nearly 9 yrs now. We both did flirting online 6 yrs ago. And I thought that was the last time. My reason for start flirting was because I was angry with him for spending on the secondary credit card I gave to him for emergency purposes. He spent on his needs like new jeans, shoes and so on, without telling me where. On the other hand I’m trying to save the money to pay bills. At that time we had no kids yet. I only asked once whether he spend it on other girls or not. He answered no, so I believe him.
Before I found out about his spending, I always ignored chat friends who wanted to flirt with me. But that time I was frustrated and I cant get it out because he went to his hometown for 2 weeks for family matters. At the same time, I felt that woman’s intuition that something was not right. So my flirting goes about 2 weeks (while he was not at home and a few days after he came back from hometown). My flirting goes from chatting to sms and phone calls. Luckily he found out my sms (I said lucky becoz I don’t want this to happen for a long time. I just did it because I was frustrated. I’m not saying what I did is right at all). He was so frustrated and I can feel his anger and frustration. I admit to him I’m wrong. I told him why I did all that and he also admits he shouldn’t do the spending all for himself. The argument goes only about 3 days. I promised myself I will never hurt him like that anymore.
But not long after that, I noticed he started to go out from the house in the middle of the night saying he has something to fix on the car. Before my flirtation I did notice a few girl’s names and photos were in his cellphone. I asked him about that and he said that the photo of the girls was not for him, it was for his friends because their cellphone don’t support MMS. So I trusted him. (Now I feel funny about all the excuses someone has to figure out from getting caught.)
But, 1 night I decided to check his sms (usually I don’t), and the sms are from 1 of the girls he said was for his friend. The sms actually said his name, not his friend’s name. At first I thought he did this for revenge. Then I started to check his emails, and I was quite surprised. He had been emailing 1 other girl saying they missed each other and planned to see each other. I asked him about the email and he said that it was over and they’ve never met. I believed him because the emails I managed to read were not many (less than 5, if I’m not mistaken).
After a week, I was confused because deep inside me, there is still not peace, even though I’ve already forgiven him of all he’s confessed. I feel sad and he noticed that too. He is good because he asked why I felt sad. Then I talked about my uneasiness. To my surprise, he confessed that during the 2 weeks went back to his hometown, he went to see his ex-girlfriend. He said nothing happened. They just met 1 time and had a drink and talked. But I was really frustrated. I remember how he was really angry at me for being unfaithful for that 2 week’s time as if he had done nothing wrong and all the blame was on me. But now, he actually did me wrong too. I was so sad that he couldn’t let go his ex-girlfriend. He usually says that he loves me most, the rest are nothing, just friends and nothing more. This is the thing I couldn’t understand with men. How can they say they love their woman when they still want to flirt with the rest? I told him my frustration and he promised not to contact his ex-girlfriend anymore. I believe him. I love him and want to give him a second chance. I accepted it as 1-1. I hurt him, he hurt me. He forgives me, I forgive him. Since that day on I stayed faithful. I never bothered about guys wanting to flirt with me.
3 mths ago, I noticed again in his cellphone his x-girlfriend’s number was still there among a few more girlfriends I didn’t know. I was frustrated and refused to talk to him the whole day. He said he didn’t know or notice that the number of his ex was there and that he hadn’t called her for the past 6 yrs. and the other girls are just friends and nothing more. He tried to talk nicely to me saying that I shouldn’t get jealous on this matter. I am angry and still refused to talk to him… so he got frustated and went off in the middle of the night to his place (we live long distance; he only comes home during weekends because his workplace is quite a distance from our house). I was worried about his safety because he was going to drive long hours and was tired and frustrated with me.
I started to calm down and tried to believe him. But again I had that woman’s intuition. So again I checked his emails, facebook and Skype. To my surprise he has been flirting with few girlfriends on facebook and Skype. his ex also on his facebook list. The words like “miss” “love” “kiss” “hugs” “dear” along with details of having sex really crush my heart. Some of the girls are his nephew’s friends or friends of his friends. I can’t imagine and figure out the reason he did this to me after all the painful experiences we’d been through the first time. I thought that he understood how the pain is when someone betrays him.
His excuse was that he didn’t get attention from me for quite some time, that I didn’t respond to his songs he dedicated to me on facebook, that he didn’t feel that I loved him anymore because I’m not so interested in him in bed. Yes, I admit that. I didn’t notice his songs dedicated to me because he only posts on his wall and I seldom open his wall post because I try to ignore all the attention he gets from other ladies. My mistake.
I admit I didn’t give the attention he wants because maybe I thought I was in a comfort zone of being faithful and trusting him 100%. I admit I don’t have much interest in bed anymore because of being emotionally and physically tired with our 2 little kids, 5 and 3, and worrying about bills to be paid. I’ve been looking after our kids and have been busy with my job. And I was still very frustrated that he had all that free time to go and flirt online, leaving me here all alone looking after the kids.
I started to talk to men online asking about their opinions, and this one guy said that women never understand men’s needs. When guys want to have sex they only want sex, but women still need to worry about dinner, children and laundry and so on.
So the past 3 months I started to make sure the house was clean, the children were well taken of, I exercised and managed my houseworks/jobs as much as possible, so that I am emotionally and physically ready for him during weekends, not only for sex but for the attention I want to give to him. I also started to visit his facebook wall post more frequently, and post romantic messages and dedicated songs to him. I hope this will reunite us again because I want our marriage to have the sparkle again. Our sex life improved and I’m happy about that.
But the problem now is that I’m still dealing with my trust issue towards him. Sometimes I feel angry in a sudden and am frustrated and feel down. Its been 3 months and I still check his facebook and emails. So far he is clean.
Recently, I noticed his girlfriend posted a msg telling him to go to sleep. So I thought that he must be sms’ing with her that night. I questioned him. He was frustrated and said that the girlfriend is a fiance of his friend and he has no feelings at all towards her. He admits he does chat and sms with that girl sometimes but really only as a friends. I sms nicely to him that it’s not appropriate to sms other girlfriends during night time. Am I right or am I am over reacting again?
At first he said he was sad becoz he feels that he couldnt make friend with anyone else anymore. I sms nicely to him that I don’t want to prevent him from making friends with other girls but that I’m still phobic about all the things that happened… he said he understood and was sorry.
For me, he is my only friend. I don’t have close friends at all. All was left after we married and my other friends are married. He is the only person I want to turn to in happiness or in sadness. It’s not that I don’t have my family members, but for me, he is my everything. So am I over reacting and being selfish, not letting him make friends the way he wants?
I hope we will get through this. I’m still struggling with trust issues and being too selfish for wanting him all to myself. I hope someone can advise me on this. What should I do? Finally, I wish all of you continue to be strong and turn to God for help.
(MY) I found this to help me ease the pain. It talks about TWO CHOICES we need to decide everyday.. It was in my email for quite some time… and yesterday I decided to read it, and it helps to ease the pain.
I choose to be happy again~ :-) It’s not as easy as it looks but at some point it helps…
(USA) Hi, I have been married for 13 years with my wife we have 4 kids together. I recently found out she has been flirting with guys on Facebook. They are all guys she knows from school when she was a teenager. I am 35, and she is 33 now. I found out one of them is a guy she fooled around with when they were teenagers and he is in a relationship also and has an 11 month old baby girl.
He knew she was married to me and yet they both kept this conversation going. He kept trying to get her to send him a sexy picture of herself to him. They had been also texting. I am not sure what was said there, as she would delete them saying it was to save her memory on her cell phone. She says it’s a game and it’s not serious and nothing would ever happen.
I read their conversation and he kept asking her to meet him. She said no a few times, but at one point she said maybe, and if it did happen it couldn’t happen for long. We live an hour away from where he is now. She told him that we had planned to come to town for the fair and asked if he would be there and that she would see what happens and that if they got together she wouldn’t know what to do, giving the impression that it had been a long time she’d been on a date and she wouldn’t know what to do. He told her it would be their secret.
I am seriously hurt as this is not the first time she has done something like this. I don’t know what to do. I am confused with all kinds of thoughts and mixed feelings. I then found out she had met a guy from work who she said they were friends and he told her he liked her and again he knew she was married with kids, but he asked her to cheat on me with him, that it would be their secret. She gave him a hug and he tried to kiss her and she pulled away to not allow him to, but she still stayed friends with him and would also text this guy. Again, I don’t know the conversation as she would delete them.
This guy, I found out, lives in my neighborhood and while I was gone had come by to talk to her as my son pointed him out one day. I was so furious. He wanted her to come over to watch a movie with him. Then I found out she had planned to meet him one day she had txt’d him to meet her at the Meijer parking lot. She said they were just going to talk and she finally confessed she was going to talk and see what move he might make on her so she could shut him down as she likes that she can do that.
I don’t know whether to believe that or not. She said she has flirted with a lot of guys probably 10 or more at varying different degrees of it going out of her way to say to them they are cute/handsome flirting stroking their ego’s so they would say something back to her. I really don’t know how to feel. I am so hurt. I don’t want to throw my marriage away but I am so hurt and sick to my stomach over all this, all I can do is envision them two together doing things and it eats me up.
I want to seriously hurt these guys, not that I am a violent person, but I am just so angry that’s how I feel. I don’t like this feeling of losing what I thought I had. I don’t feel special to my wife at all. I feel like a little boy, like I’ve lost my manhood. She is crying and says she’s sorry and only wants to be with me and she doesn’t know why she did it and she’s stupid and etc… she goes on and on. I don’t know whether to even believe that. I want to but she’s hidden so much from me. Our pastor said something about it having to do with insecurity with herself; something deep down is causing her to do this some deep rooted issue.
(USA) We are both Christians and just found out that my husband has been chatting with his old school mate every night during his business trip abroad. They were both flirting with each other. The girl is also married.
I felt really disgusted and ashamed of my husband. He apologized and said nothing happened and that she’s just an old buddy. I could sense they were trying to meet up someday secretly and if I did not confront him, things may have got worst.
But the fact is that I can’t seem to forgive and forget this… What should I do? We have 3 lovely kids.
(USA) Dear “Ashamed,” Please know that you have nothing to be ashamed of, if you weren’t the one doing the flirting with someone other than your spouse. What I see in all of this is that your “definitions” of “nothing happening” are completely different. It’s kind of like the Bill Clinton definition of “not having sex with that woman.” His definition of it is sure different than most people’s.
In your husband’s mind, he has seemed to be able to dismiss it by glossing over it and rationalizing that if nothing physical happened, it wasn’t so wrong. That sure wouldn’t be my definition of faithfulness, which we vow to on our wedding day. I have lots of “old buddies” and so does my husband, but when inappropriate flirting starts to happen, a very hurtful line has been crossed. Flirting is not harmless if it hurts someone. And it GREATLY hurt you. That should be deeply distressing to your husband. He’s spinning this in a bad direction, if he wants to be intimate with you.
As far as being able to “forgive and forget” this… that’s not wise. If you go into the “Bitterness and Forgiveness” topic of our web site, you will read that forgetting is not required to go hand-in-hand with forgiving. Forgiving will help to empty yourself of bitterness toxins. Forgetting will enable him to repeat poor behavior and put yourself in a vulnerable position again. Your husband may think that you and I are over-reacting, but trust me — we get hundreds of emails on this of those who start out like your husband did and end up saying those classic words to their spouse, “I/we never meant for this to happen.” But it did. And it’s happening in epidemic proportions. Marriages are breaking up everywhere because of the starlings of “innocent flirting” with “old buddies.”
Right now, you need to be proactive on trying to rebuild, preserve, and protect your relationship. We have a lot on our web site on putting up protective marital hedges, and also, on guarding yourself from further internet assaults so your husband isn’t as easily able to “flirt” in what he considers to be a harmless way. Besides the articles I recommend you read on our web site (you can put words such as “hedges” and “Internet” and “Facebook” and such, into the search feature on our web site to find them), there is a book written on this subject, which doesn’t just concern Facebook, but other ways to protect your marriage from flirting possibilities on the internet. It’s written by Jason Krafsky, and is titled, Facebook and Your Marriage.
I encourage you to check it out. You and your 3 lovely kids need to have a husband and father who is wiser in the choices he makes, as far as the types of “chatting” he does — whether he’s home or elsewhere. The sanctity of your marriage and home life may depend upon your being a hero here and fighting for all you hold dear. I hope he will eventually “get it” as far as how badly this kind of behavior can turn in a horrible direction and will do his part in the rebuilding and protecting process.
I hope all of this helps. And I hope the Lord ministers to your broken heart as you lean upon Him to help you. The healing probably won’t come right away, but keep pursuing it. It’s well worth the journey. I pray the best for you and your marriage.
(USA) Cindy, thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I am truly blessed by this website and the advice given.
By the grace of God, I have learnt to forgive my husband as Christ has forgiven us. Also, I realized what had happened is the work of the evil one to break up our family so we should not let that happen. My husband has asked God for forgiveness and realized what he had done wrong. We are glad God opened this up to us now, rather than later.
Our marriage has since improved… and I will continue to seek God for guidance, wisdom, love, peace and strength for each day!
Cindy, I wanted to thank you for this reply, as well. It has some great information. I have a story similar to Ashamed. I understand full well how she feels. HeartBrokenInNC
I’m so sorry Heartbroken. I feel like crying every time I hear of one more spouse that is victimized, such as you are and “Ashamed.” This is such an evil, wicked world that we live in that makes this type of trash available so that people can get hooked on it and exchange that which is real for an illusion –a dirty, rotten, and insidious one. I pray that you are able to grab onto God and find a way to focus on that which is “good, honorable, right and pure, etc… such as we’re told in Philippians 4:8-9. Because then you will experience “the peace of God.”
I pray that for you and hope that for you, that somehow you find peace in the midst of this storm and find wisdom in how to deal with that, which is happening in your home and your marriage right now. Please go into the “Links” part of this topic to see that we link to a lot of web sites, which help the wives, as well as the husbands. You may be able to gain added insight and wisdom by reaching out to some of these ministries to see how YOU can best proceed because of your husband’s addiction. I wish you well and pray that God ministers to your heart and circumstances and talks plainly to your husband about the mess he is involved in so it sickens him enough that he will eventually find a way to break free.
My husband has repeatedly talked with his ex-fiancee. The first time this happened was in 2010. I wanted to leave so terribly as I was so heartbroken. At that time, the infidelity was only on the internet. Still, my husband had set up a new email address to which I did not know about. We had computer monitoring software for the kids, and I wanted to check on them. That is when I found it… an email to his ex-fiancee. She is married as well. In fact, this happened 3 months after she got married. She contacted my husband because she said she was “convicted” in the fact that their breakup was horrible and that she wanted to apologize. I emailed her to let her know that this behavior was not ok.
We went to marriage counseling, not until almost 4 months after the incidents. Things seemingly got better. I finally forgave him completely, but it took almost 2 years.
Last year, in October, it happened again. Only this time, my husband talked to her on the phone while I would be getting the kids to bed upstairs or taking a nap. I got suspicious because my husband kept getting “Restricted” calls. He said it was just telemarketers. He used his Smartphone to access the internet and set up a new email address to bypass the computer monitoring software. I was livid! I still have a great deal of anger. I found the emails on his phone and she sent him pictures and they reminisced about how she looked and smelled. She again, was the one who pursued my husband. She said that she was getting a divorce. I actually talked to her on the phone. She said that my husband was a “big boy” and that he should be able to talk to whomever he wanted. My husband just let her say whatever she wanted to to me.
We again entered marriage counseling. Our therapists is a Christian. His first question to me was, “Are you a submissive wife?” I wanted to shout… “I AM ANGRY BECAUSE THIS STUFF HAPPENED!” Instead, I just sat there. I was submissive… until this happened, again. I HAVE SO MUCH ANGER! I cannot seem to get over this happening again. This time, it went further than the last and my husband actually said to the woman in an email that he wondered if it was ok to love two people.
How do you get past the anger when the indiscretion is repeated? How could you possibly feel “good enough” for your husband (ie: husband likes chocolate ice cream but you are broccoli ice cream) when he continually persues another woman almost 10 years younger than me? The anger is just worse this time and I am trying so hard to forgive, to let go of the anger. I appreciate your replies and thank you for your work.
(USA) WOW!!! What a mess. It’s amazing to me how we can promise someone a world of love and faithfulness on our wedding day and yet slink in another direction when things don’t stay as “magical” in our everyday lives later after marrying. Instead of finding ways to work through issues and investing time and effort into our present relationship –especially since it is a marriage relationship, so many spouses dip their toes into places where temptation is waiting to snap them up. So sad… so, so sad. I cry for you that your husband is not only dipping a toe into it but is diving in.
As for thoughts on all of this… my first thought is that the therapist you found sure doesn’t seem to be one you want to stay with. “Are you a submissive wife?” Really? What are you supposed to submit to… having a spouse escalate in inappropriate behavior? I don’t know if the ministry of Focus on the Family (who has counselors on staff during business hours) can direct you to one that will be more “marriage-friendly” but you sure seem to need one who can better help you than hurt you, and hurt your marriage relationship as you look to the future.
Your husband and this woman are doing what they know they shouldn’t, but they don’t seem to be putting a stop to it… at least not at this point. They are caught up in a bio-chemical rush of exploring a “new” type of old relationship. You have every right to be angry and to expect different behavior from your husband –your marriage “partner.” As far as advice, I honestly have to say that I have little. How I wish I did.
If it was me, I’m not exactly sure what I would do. But I know that anger can eat someone alive. I would do my best to find some way of dealing with this in healthy ways. That’s why I recommended contacting Focus on the Family and/or some of the ministries we link to in “Surviving Infidelity” or this topic. I would be doing a lot of praying (which I’m sure you are doing). God won’t MAKE your husband do what is right, but He will keep talking to him, convicting him of wrongful actions, as we ask. I’ve seen worse turn around for the better, so I know that it’s possible. In the meantime, I would be praying for insight into what to do with your husband’s secretive behavior. I’d keep praying, exploring, looking for ways to not allow this to change me into a negative, angry bitter person –one that will do no one any good. That’s the mission here. How I wish I could give you more than this. That is my desire. I cry with you and for you. I pray for you that somehow you will find the insight you need and hope that somehow things will turn in a better direction. “Even in the darkness light dawns for the upright.” (Psalm 112:4a) I pray it will for you and for your family.
(UNITED STATES) I’ve been living with my boyfriend for 2 yrs. We both have facebook accounts which was not an issue in our relationship because we trusted each other, I thought. Well, one day while watching a movie at home he forget to log off from facebook. I then go and get the computer to log in. I seen that he was still logged in so I decided to go through his messages even though I thought it was not right for me to do that.
While going through his messages I found some messages where he’s flirting with girls. I then confront him about them and he apologizes and says he won’t do it again. I kind of let it go, although it still hurts, because I love him and we have a son, 2 months old.
Several weeks pass by and I find some again and confront him and ask him why does he do this to me if I have never done anything like this to him. He again apologizes. After this, it was hard for me to trust him. Whenever he would log in into facebook, I would think he’s flirting with girls. Well it turns out that he did it again. I told him to delete his facebook and he did. I kept mine because he knows I would never do such thing. I only have my family and friends added.
When I told him I still had it, a day after he deleted his he got so mad and told me “why did you make me delete my facebook if you were going to keep yours?” I told him that if he wanted I would delete it but he said “No, now I’m going to re-open mine.” I told him that’s okay I wont mind but I will only trust him if he gives me his password and I will give him mine. He right away said “NO, that he won’t and he will keep using it.” I know he doesn’t go out with any girl but it hurts me that he does this too me. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO? I NEED ADVICE???