How do you forgive infidelity when it’s SO painful to even think of doing so?
There’s no doubt that it’s painful; but is holding onto unforgiveness make the pain lessen?
“The difference between holding on to a hurt or releasing it with forgiveness is like the difference between laying your head down at night on a pillow filled with thorns or a pillow filled with rose petals.” (Loren Fincher)
Okay, so you don’t want to sleep on a “pillow filled with thorns” night after night. And you also don’t want to hold onto a hurt that will continually deliver pain every time you think about it. But how do you throw that thorn-filled “pillow” of bitterness away when it has adhered itself onto you?
How Do You Forgive Infidelity?
And more importantly, how do you forgive your spouse when he or she has stabbed you in the heart emotionally? How do you release the enormous pain and confusion you feel because of what your spouse has done to you? And why do you have to? Why is it YOU that has to do so much hard stuff when you aren’t the one who betrayed your marriage partner? And where does marriage restoration come into all of this IF there is anything left to restore?
Those are a few of the many questions that will be addressed in the articles we link to below.
First off:
“There’s a big difference between forgiving someone and restoring a relationship. Everyone should forgive for their own benefit regardless of the actions of the other person.
“But forgiveness is not synonymous with restoration. Restoring the relationship will take the effort of both parties. For that reason it is therefore not always possible. Sometimes one party is unwilling to do the work of restoration.
“Within the context of forgiveness, there are two types. In the first, the offending party is truly sorry and is asking for forgiveness. This makes forgiveness much easier. In the second situation the offending party is not sorry. This makes it much more difficult. But it is still necessary to forgive them for your own benefit. You don’t want to allow that person to ruin your future as well as your past.”
I encourage you to read more that Anne Bercht wrote on the issue of how to forgive infidelity. She has lived this experience. That’s why it would be beneficial to go the Beyondaffairs.com web site to read:
• HOW DOES ONE FORGIVE AN EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIR?
And then below are some additional questions that might be circling around in your mind.
To more readily forgive infidelity, prayerfully consider:
“What IS forgiveness? Is it never bringing up the ‘what happened’? Is it never wanting to think about it again? And, is it trusting the person? I keep hearing it is for yourself and not the other person. But what do you get when you find whatever IT is?”
Anne Bercht answers these questions in the following article that we encourage you to read:
And then, how do you forgive the woman who had an affair with your spouse? It’s especially difficult because she split up the family. And then she eventually married your husband. It’s a tough situation —to say the least. Read of how one woman discovered freedom as she finally was able to release herself from the prison of unforgiveness:
• THE HEALING POWER OF FORGIVENESS
We realize that you may be the husband whose wife had an affair. You are trying to get to a place where you aren’t imprisoned by unforgiveness. If so, reading the following article posted on Crosswalk.com. It could help you as you try to process all of this:
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
If you have additional tips on how to forgive infidelity you can share, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: Bitterness and Forgiveness
(UNITED STATES) As far as I’m concern most men are Pigs! My so called husband of 10 years has cheated on me 2 times that I know of and here I am contemplating what to do next while he sleeps like a baby in the next room. The only reason I believe I’m still here is because of my son is still a baby and I don’t want to put him in daycare all day because his daddy decided to do what he does. He had been asking me to have a baby with him for the longest time until I finally decided to have a child with him. I thought having a family would bring us together; boy was I wrong.
I’ve read many of your post and it really upsets me that so many of you blame it on Satan. Please, we all have self control that’s what separates us from animals. We just happened to end up with the wrong men, we ignored all the red flags, and some times can even blame ourselves. We need to learn to love our selves and not settle for less.
(USA) Blaming infidelity on a particular sex is very small thinking. The number of women who cheat is very close to men. I’m dealing with a cheating wife. What I found is that we both contributed to the problem. The affair was 100% her fault but it probably wouldn’t have happened if our marriage was healthy. We were miserable for a long time and we didn’t know why. It turns out that we stopped communicating in an effective way a long time ago.
With the help of a counselor, we rediscovered our love for one another and have begun rebuilding our relationship. The main ingredient has been honesty communicated effectively. It was hard to hear all of the details but I needed to assess the damage so that I could determine if I could live with what she had done. It was particularly hard to learn that she gave her boyfriend her diamond wedding ring to pawn. I wanted to leave her but I didn’t want my four young children to pay the same price I did growing up. Since she was 100% committed to restoring our relationship, I decided to try if only for the benefit of my children.
Today, I’m glad I did. We haven’t been this close in 20 plus years. I’m still up and down with it, but the swings are becoming less. I’m trying something new to deal with the resentments. Each time a painful memory concerning the affair enters my mind, I tell her “I forgive you” and try to move my mind off the painful memory. I don’t know if this will work but I am willing to try. I know that a resentment is to re-feel pain. This means that the first time I experience pain, it is at the hand of someone else. Any subsequent feelings of pain are at my own hand. I hear that praying for the people who hurt you is a good way to get rid of a resentment. However I get there, I know that I have to let this go or it will consume me.
(US) I have been married 36 years, for the last 4-5 years my husband has been seeing a woman who at times says she is my half sister from a relationship my father was suppose to have had with her mother while he was married to my mother. I didn’t find out about the relationship until my husband moved her into one of our rental houses and wrote her a check.
I approached him with the issue and he said they were just friends. At the time I was working nights, 12 hr shifts, every other weekend. He would stay at her house all day and into the night. He said he would stop, but he has been caught many times seeing her, taking her out to eat, going places, and such, 5-6 times caught with her over 2-3 years. She has called me at work saying he loves her and she loves him.
Now she is in jail and I caught him going to see her in jail last Friday. He says they never had sex just friendship, whatever. Now he wants to make amends again, says he’s trying to “work out this mess” “has a void.” What should I feel and do? I am almost numb to the situation at this point because it has happened so many times. And it’s always the same song and dance. Can anyone help me, give me some advice?
(USA) If you still want him back, he should earn his way back into your life. I know from experience that you will need a good marriage counselor. I’m going through marriage counseling because of a cheating spouse. It has been the best investment I’ve ever made. I’ve learned that there is no way to repair something like this unless both partners are really willing to work it out. A good counselor should be able to determine if your husband is serious. If he’s not, there’s nothing you can do that will help your marriage. I know you don’t feel good inside at the moment but just remember that you can get through this with or without him. Don’t be a door mat because I know that God intended much more than that for you.
(USA) My husband and I have only been married for 5 years. We have been together a total of 11 with 5 kids, 3 are ours. Few days ago I found out that my husband was sleeping with my brothers babies mom, right before we got married. We were very much into drugs and fighting a lot, after a fight he would run to her over and over again. I married him not knowing any of this. As a result my brother was not able to see his daughter and lost years of her growing up, for fear that my brother and I would find out.
This is such a huge situation. It not only affected me, my kids, but also my brother and his daughter. I feel I’ve been living a big lie and can’t get over the pain. This girl was at our wedding watching and knowing all along what they did. How do I get that day back? I can’t believe that after 7 years and 3 children you can run off so quick. And it wasn’t just an impulse thing. He drove and had to time to think about it, over and over again. As of 3 years ago our life changed, off drugs and we were closer then ever, (I thought) until a few days ago, my life was turned upside down.
I don’t know how to forgive him, if I can’t get past the terrible images replaying over in my head every time he is near. There were so many lives affected as a result of his needs and wants. If my whole marriage was a lie, how do I know he is truly sincere and it’s not just a tactic to have his cake and eat it too?
He is wants to go to counseling, get remarried and work it out, although I’m not sure I want to try anymore. I’m too hurt and tired to try. My brother does get to talk to his daughter, but I can’t because all this. He can’t be mad at her, because of his daughter, but is mad at my husband. If I stay in this marriage my husband has no repercussions for his actions. The girl doesn’t have any repercussion either, because we have to be nice for the child, and my brother and I suffer for what they have done. Where do I go from here?
(PHILIPPINES) Hi, I’m married to my first serious boyfriend for 9 years. We got married last year oct 2009. I was happy, then I found out that he had an affair that started Jan 2009 and they ended the relationship a month after we got married according to the mistress. She got pregnant during the affair. When my husband and I had been doing protective sex because we planned that we will have children when we are financially ready.
I am a Nurse who is pursuing my doctoral degree in Nursing and my husband is a Medical sales Representative. I am 24 years old when we got married. I saw him when i was 16 years old he was 24 at that time. I just know now that he got this girl pregnant. The girl showed up in their house and was 6 months pregnant and the parents were threatening him and my inlaws (we were not yet married at that time) but we had long distance relationship.
After the gunshot threats, they wanted my husband to marry the girl. They are not well off. My husband, according to my in laws and the girl, said when I talked to them that he spends a lot on her and his family. Her tuition, baon and etc. When we got married he and his family did that to let us marry the soonest time coz I was really planning to bring him with me to the United States since I already have an employer and waiting for visa. It’s just now I realize that this was happening. Nobody from his family told me. I know it after a year (now) Sept 2010, coz they thought my husband might get hysterical. He told everybody that if they told me, my family might blame them for it. But since this has happened his mom was angry but they do not want their son (my husband) since they are just probably using him for all of their financial needs. And since his mom knows our 9 year relationship is tested already although he cheated once.
This cheating is the second time around but he got the girl pregnant. My husband and I are good looking. The girl is too. She is 3 years younger than me. This guy is such evil. I don’t know how can I get through this problem. I hope God will help me decide. I still have a good future for me. His mom has cursed him but I still feel betrayed since nobody even told me and they knew it. Our marriage was to save him from the girl’s gunshot wedding threats from the girls family, and to save our 9 year boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.
The baby is now 7 months old but they never let him see the baby. I am going crazy. I have not talked about my family about this yet coz I know worst things will happen. I still have to go home and talk to the family of my husband coz if I tell my mom about my marriage for which they did not know that I was secretly married and plus the affair and the baby. This guys is crazy too. He hurt me and it seems he is the one who is hysterical and was not even sincere in talking to me. I threatened that I will make his life a living hell. We will find out soon after my 2 days vacation to his residence. I just hope that God will enlighten me and he will guide my husband to changed coz I am definitely going to leave him.
(UK) May, your life is hard. Don’t worry about telling your parents. They will understand. I am praying for you. You are in everyone’s heart. God bless.
(USA) My husband was unfaithful for 10 yrs. The other woman was his business partner (and my niece). Although I knew he had feelings for her, I never suspected physical involvement. Its been 9 months since the revelation. We have currently chosen to maintain our marriage. The relationship between my husband and me is good. Although I am yet unable to forgive my niece for her deception, I’m praying that God will eventually give me the capacity to let go. God is very present in our lives, otherwise the outcome would be much different.
The purpose of life is not about me or you, but about God’s ultimate plan and purpose. I had every right to divorce my husband, but staying together is a much better testimony for God’s grace. In any situation such as this, there are many casual observers (both Christian and non-Christian) who are taking notes. How one reacts has a ripple effect on far more people than is obvious.
(ZAMBIA) Infidelity is quite painful. It is something one cannot forget but I believe the grace of God is sufficient to help you sail through life. In your pain it is possible to forgive from the heart. In our early years of my marriage I suffered from it, but by the grace of God I was able to forgive my husband who I have helped to become a man of God. Now, if I had left him he would not have known the love of Jesus. I am not saying it is easy, but the grace of God is sufficient to heal your wounds. The enemy can try to bring up the pain from time to time, but go to Jesus. He is the only one with the solution. Submit to him; give him your burden and he will see you through.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I discovered that my husband is cheating on me. I then went for HIV/AIDS TEST & I was positive. He was also tested positive. He is now on medication as his CD count is low. How do I forgive this man, who doesn’t want to say I’m sorry? He doesn’t want to talk about this.
I found out in April 2009 that he was having an affair. He continued with the affair. I’m not sure whether they’re still on. But I can’t forget what he did to me, giving me a death sentence. Sometimes I say, My God will heal me, as He knows I didn’t bring AIDS into my marriage. I’m born again and believe in miracles.
(USA) Adelaide, my dear sister, our Father may not give you a physical healing but allow him to heal you spiritually and emotionally. Go to him for peace and comfort. Where your husband cannot or will not be there for you, allow God to wipe away your tears with his unending love. He will never fail or foresake you. I know you must feel alone and upset but when you are feeling low, PRAISE him! Call on him and TRUST in him. This life on earth is fleeting but he is preparing so much for us in heaven. I pray I meet you there my sister! Glory be to God!
(AUSTRALIA) My husband and I are very close but lately he has been very pushy with the Bible. He has been using many quotes. Does that mean he wants to talk about something? Hang on everyone, you are almost there. Keep on hanging on. God bless all of you.
Ask him. Find a time when it is a good time to talk (not during a time when either of you is upset or preoccupied in some way) and tell him you don’t want to misinterpret what he’s been saying. Ask him to explain so you can possibly build relationship bridges. Who knows where it will lead.
(SA) My husband of 2 years had an affair in July and I found out through email. He claims that he didn’t have sex with her and that he was just in a bad state emotionally. This is a man I trusted with everything and was shattered when I realized that he was seeing someone behind my back. He was actually having an affair with a woman from our church’s worship team. My husband and I are both in the worship team.
I really want to forgive him and move on but I feel like everything he says to me is a lie. He cheated on me after we found out that I was pregnant and I truly believed that we were happy. I’m so angry and want him to feel the pain I feel.
(USA) Thank you for your article. What a blessing.
(CANADA) Dear sisters, I think that those of us born with a great capacity to love are also those with a great capacity to hurt. Some women seem to be able to go through infidelity with pain, of course, but they can look at the situation with their heads. Even though this life altering happening has devestated us we keep trying to fix things.
I am sure I will carry this pain to the grave. Part of me knows (even though I don’t want to acknowledge it, as it’s still too new and raw) that our Lord wants me to learn a great lesson from this. My husband was wonderful but confessed to cheating with the same woman for the past two years. He is very remorseful but I find forgiveness at this point to difficult. I’m also mad at our Lord because I’ve had a lifetime of suffering. But I believe He is all loving and forgiving and that he understands my pain and confusion at this time… For the 1st time I’ve gone through a faith crisis because of this- I still believe in Him- but often I don’t believe He cares about me. Then I read your faithful comments and hope comes… God help us all!
(AZERBAIJAN) Infidelity is everything –you are not to that person. Everything that he didn’t find in you for some reason takes life on its own and becomes your own demon. It’s lack of connection between 2 souls that makes one cheat on the other. Now do you forget it… or not? Do you forgive it or not?
1st you must recognize it; clearly recognize and accept the fact that your loved one is searching for something he/she didn’t find in you. Identify what it is, show him/her that you had it all along. Then you leave… why leave?
The demon of infidelity is made up of our mistakes. Anytime we meet that monster along our way we must fight and understand it. Infidelity gives you freedom from connection with someone who was not your ideal spouse to begin with. You leave a better person and then you find your true life partner. That person will be the one who successfully defeated his own infidelity demon to clear his/her way to meet you. He/she dealt with the same issue in the past. Therefore you will both connect on one, most important rule between 2 loving souls, and that is 100% fidelity to one another!
(USA) That’s not what GOD says. He will never bless a union formed by Satan of sin, against God’s plan. It’s built on lies, deception, and evil, and the two adulterers will live in a relationship made in Hell. God is not mocked!
(AUSTRALIA) I disagree. The two adulterers may just have a great life. That doesn’t mean they have done the right thing, nor does it mean that they will not be judged by God at some stage. Life doesn’t always make sense. Good things happen to bad people, bad things happen to good people.
(USA) Most affairs die within 6 months. Very few survive past 2 years. Marriagebuilders.com
(AUSTRALIA) Honesty is the key for a free mind. He may wana do the same.
My husband of forty years finally confessed but only after he was exposed by the woman he was involved with. She wanted to end it, he did not. It destroyed our family. I decided to stay with him because I believe it is what God would want; as a result I lost our son. He wants nothing to do with us. It has been five years now and although my husband and I are still together we are strangers. For me to forgive was easy; to forget and learn to live with broken vows not so easy. At times my faith is weak. I cannot believe that God would want anyone to live in pain.
I read a quote by Lewis Smedes that summed it all up when it come to forgiving (and of course it fits infidelity as well): “Forgiving is not having to understand. Understanding may come later, in fragments, an insight here and a glimpse there, after forgiving.”
If you have been a victim of infidelity in your relationship and want to make it work you just have to take the steps and do forgive your spouse if you are convinced that they are truly regretful of what they did. Don’t’ worry about the rest, just take the steps. It will be better for your heart and soul and for your relationship long term.
My husband of 38 years has become involved in swinging. He is now living with a much younger woman and her boyfriend. He is on many dating web sites looking for young women. He took the young woman on an expensive holiday and paid for everything. All this without my knowledge.
This has made me so very ill, I have had a mental breakdown. He text me the other day saying he was sorry for hurting me but I didn’t see his point of view.
In the past 7 months since all this began, he has been a monster, threatening me and refusing to even answer the phone or pay anything towards household bills. This has also made my children ill. I would like to have peace of mind again and be able to sleep. My children now hate their father. It is all so very sad.
Hi, my husband had an affair. I’m saved but I’m having a hard time forgiving him. First, he won’t admit to what he has done. I know I haven’t forgiven him because I want him to admit it and he just won’t. I find myself angry at him. I saw pictures of this woman naked on his cell phone and I can’t get those images out of my mind. I need help. I love him and want to stay married to him but this is hard.
Hi i just found out a week ago about my husband’s infidelity. I knew something wasn’t quite right. He asked for space then wanted to move from the family home. I asked him after seeing an itemized bill, who is this woman you keep calling? It’s just a friend he said. I managed to speak to her and my biggest and deepest fears came true. I told him to leave. I helped him pack; then I decided to let him stay after all of what he’s done. I feel so ashamed. I feel so stupid but I still love him. She works with him; he assures me it’s over. How can I be sure? She’s 13 years younger than me. I just had a baby 7 months ago.
I feel old; I feel unattractive, so empty, and betrayed. I want to forgive him but paranoia sets in. I said to him on Wednesday you were still moving Thursday. Your infidelity was revealed and all of a sudden you want to work things out? He is trying. My biggest fear is what if he misses her, misses the excitement, misses the freedom, the freshness, and her youth? I’m trying very hard to let go and let God but I’m so scared.