So many marriages need a “fighting chance” to survive. Marriage relationships are breaking up all around us. It’s sad to see these love relationships start out so beautiful and end in such defeat!
That’s a big reason why we work to help couples navigate the many troubles they encounter in marriage. With God’s leading we give marriage a fighting chance. We know with God, all things are possible!
To help you in your marriage, we’re sharing something Dr Randy Carlson (from The Intentional Life ministry) wrote titled, “A Fighting Chance for Your Marriage.” (We shared a number of years ago, but it needs repeating.) Randy gives three principles to remind us that sometimes we do need to “fight” for our marriages. That’s what we call a “good fight” (if it’s done in a healthy way).
We encourage you to read Dr Randy’s thoughts on this issue and then we’ll add some of our own within [brackets] afterward.
A Fighting Chance for Your Marriage
Peace is not the absence of noise. Have you ever thought of that? It’s particularly true in marriages. Perhaps you believe that if there are no loud words, no heated exchanges—essentially, no fighting; everything must be okay. The problem is, if there is no fighting, it can mean there is no ‘anything.’
There are a lot of marriages dying today in silent apathy. Men in particular, but women as well, can mistake routine for satisfaction. If everything is taken care of —the home is neat, the kids are bathed, the bills are being paid, the food is on the table —they believe everything is fine. But under the surface there are a lot of ongoing and unsolved problems. What can you do to give your marriage a fighting chance?
Here are three suggestions to give your marriage a fighting chance:
First:
Settle the fact that your vows do matter. Your marriage commitment was for a lifetime. You said, ‘I do.’ You need to live as though you meant it. Therefore, you must set aside other priorities to make your marriage work. That’s what a marriage is, by the way; it’s work. You want to think of it as being nothing but pleasurable, existing to meet your expectations. But that is not reality.
Think of it like a bank account. Your marriage is only going to grow as long as you’re depositing more into it than you’re withdrawing from it. Ask yourself, ‘What more can I put into my marriage to show my spouse that I am truly committed to this relationship?’
More that can help to give your marriage a fighting chance:
Secondly:
Keep in mind the Biblical principle to think not only of your own interests, but the interests of others. That means you are to make the marriage —and your spouse —more important than yourself and your perceived needs. Get behind the eyes of your husband or wife. See life like they do. Sacrifice yourself for the benefit of the marriage. Ask your spouse, ‘What are some things you need from me than I am currently not providing for you?’
Finally, to give your marriage a fighting chance:
Don’t be afraid of conflicts. Instead, face them head-on. Then know how to make up —not remaining bitter or resentful. Instead let the disagreement enhance your understanding and respect for each other. There are a lot of silent marriages that are really not at all peaceful. But there are those that have some conflict —sometimes even argumentative and angry —that are peaceful because those couples can resolve their conflicts in a Biblically appropriate and constructive way.
“When you, as husband and wife, are able to:
- Solidify your commitment to the marriage.
- Place your spouse ahead of yourself.
- Go ahead and engage in conflict in a healthy way.
“You’ll forever wake up the silent apathy in your marriage. You’ll also begin moving toward the deeper affection and intimacy you need to keep it alive and growing. Remember your vow! It was promised to be kept ’til death do you part! And that’s far more than just a fighting chance!”
Contented in Silent Apathy
I (Steve) used to think that if there were no “loud words” or “heated exchanges,” then everything must be okay in our marriage. I was wrong. Sadly, I was content with “silent apathy.”
But after many years of living under this delusion, I finally woke up to face the facts. Little irritations can grow into big resentments when they aren’t properly dealt with and resolved so BOTH marital partners are satisfied. This includes me AND Cindy. But I had to wake up first; and then I had to learn new skills to resolve conflict in healthier ways before our marriage truly had a “fighting chance.”
I’m glad to say now, that I am a ‘Recovering ‘Silent Apathetic.’ I say recovering because I can still fall back into the old patterns of silent apathy. But I’m now totally committed to better face the issues we encounter.
Identify Your Weak Areas
Cindy and I believe it’s important for both of you to identify the weak areas of your lives (as we had to in ours) that can leave you vulnerable to all kinds of marital problems. It can be silent apathy, passive-aggressive behavior, yelling, lying, cheating, or any number of other character flaws and sins that need to be addressed.
We must realize that the enemy of our faith knows our weak areas and will exploit them to the fullest to try to get us to wreck our marriages. Therefore our best “defense” is a good “offense.” That means we don’t shy away or ignore our problems …rather we identify those areas and find ways to correct them. Again, I like the way Dr. Carlson phrased it, “fight FOR our marriages.”
Reason For Marriage Missions
Actually, we started Marriage Missions a number of years ago for that very reason. We wanted to provide help to those who are married. It’s important to not only to identify the issues that need attention, but also help find solutions (to fight for the marriage). This is to be in a God honoring way, to strengthen the covenant entered into on our wedding day.
And because of that, we ask for your prayers. This ministry was born out of prayer. It has been sustained by God through prayer. And it will flourish both now and, in the future, because you are joining with us in prayer and support. We are trusting that God will provide for whatever we lack.
Together, in the mission of our marriages and in the ministry, God calls us to, the challenge is to:
“Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called and about which you made the good confession in the presence of many witnesses.“ (1 Timothy 6:12)
Steve and Cindy Wright
— ADDITIONALLY —
To help you further, we give a lot of personal stories, humor, and more practical tips in our book, 7 ESSENTIALS to Grow Your Marriage. We hope you will pick up a copy for yourself. (It’s available both electronically and in print form.) Plus, it can make a great gift for someone else. It gives you the opportunity to help them grow their marriage. And who doesn’t need that? Just click on the linked title or the picture below:
ALSO:
If you are not a subscriber to the Marriage Insights (emailed out weekly)
and you would like to receive them directly, click onto the following:
Filed under: Marriage Insights
(UNITED STATES) I and my wife are Christians that were on the edge of divorce and we felt after 22 years of marriage that we had no place to go. I discovered your site and God has used it to help restore our marriage. We are involved in weekly counceling with our new Pastor and we do a lesson a day from your site. I have gained so much spiritual insite into myself and what marriage should be from this that I consider it one of the main reasons we are still together today. Thank you for your work in the ministry of helping couples grow closer and in saving the broken marriages like mine. Bless you and please let me know how I can be of help to your continued ministry.
Where or what is the site to do daily strengthening exercises/reading for our marriage?
I really don’t know of one, but we do have a LOT that you can use on this web site to strengthen your marriage. I’ll give you a few tips. First off, here’s something I wrote that will lead you to some things you can do: “Daily Vitamins for Marriage.” You can find it at: https://marriagemissions.com/daily-vitamins-marriage/. It also gives link to the daily pro-active, pro-marriage Facebook quotes that we post every day and the Twitter quotes we tweet 4 days a week. (We have links to them on the Home Page of this web site, as well.) They’re just something brief that spouses can grow from and they can even spark conversations between you and your spouse as you discuss them.
Also, here’s an article that you can also find helpful: “Simple Ways of Connecting Daily in Your Marriage” which you can find at: https://marriagemissions.com/simple-ways-of-connecting-daily-in-your-marriage/. Additionally, if you want to do a group study with some (or even one) other couple(s) here’s an article you can glean tips from: “Using Our Website for Marriage Group Study” found at:
https://marriagemissions.com/using-website-marriage-group-study/. Even if just you and your husband want to adapt the tips given here so just the two of you do this, it will work.
You can go into the Topics part of this web site (that you can mouse into found on the black bar of the web site and along the very bottom of each page of the web site). You will find a wide variety of topics you can choose to go into. Just pick out an article, read it (and discuss it together if you both want to do so). Even if you disagree with portions of the article or with each other, that’s okay. Use it as a discussion point to work through your differences. If you need Communication and Conflict tools to help you with this and other aspects of your marriage to make your discussions healthier, please go into that topic.
Also, just look around the web site. As a matter of fact, I’m going to be writing an article that tells of the different ways spouses can use the Marriage Missions web site real soon. Your question has sparked the need for that all the more. I’ll probably put it into a Marriage Insight. You can sign up to subscribe to receive a new Marriage Insight (which we mail out once a week) on the Home Page. It’s free and you can unsubscribe any time. That’s something that can also help to strengthen your marriage.
There are also several devotional books that we really like. Here are two of them: • Devotions for a Sacred Marriage: A Year of Weekly Devotions for Couples written by Gary Thomas, published by Zondervan Publishing House. (Here’s a link to it: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0310255953/ref=as_li_tf_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=marrimissi-20&linkCode=as2&camp=217145&creative=399353&creativeASIN=0310255953). This is our favorite devotional book for married couples. It’s a great tool for enriching your marriage! This book also helps you to grow closer to your spouse and to God. It has 52 devotions in it. And even though it has all new material in it, it’s based on another of Gary Thomas’ books Sacred Marriage. We can’t recommend it highly enough! Gary Thomas has a great way of helping you see the holiness of marriage in a way like no other author explains it. We truly hope you’ll obtain it for yourself.
And then here’s another couple’s devotional that we really like: • The Love Dare Day by Day: A Year of Devotions for Couples is written by Stephen and Alex Kendrick, published by B&H Books. (Here’s a link: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1433668238/ref=as_li_tf_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=1433668238&linkCode=as2&tag=marrimissi-20.) This devotional encourages and challenges couples toward new steps in faith and love with 365 marital encouragements, reminders, and action points worth repeating year after year. Unconditional love is eagerly promised at weddings, but rarely practiced in real life. As a result, romantic hopes are often replaced with disappointment in the home. But it doesn’t have to stay that way. Whether your marriage is hanging by a thread or healthy and strong, The Love Dare Day by Day is a journey you need to take. It’s time to learn the keys to finding true intimacy.
Those are at least good starting points. I hope they help.”May the Lord direct your heart into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.” (2 Thessalonians 3:5) God bless!