After 27 years of marriage, I’m just beginning to understand my husband’s sexual needs.
I DO know that his need for sexual contact is much stronger than mine. While I would be thrilled, with a romantic rendezvous about twice a month, my husband’s sexual needs are more intense.
I noticed a pattern: the longer he went without sexual intimacy, the more irritable he became. On the days when we made love, Ron was mellow and easygoing about things that might normally have bothered him. During the day after, he was still patient, kind, and cuddly as a six-foot teddy bear. On the third day after our “session”, he would start to get restless and make sarcastic comments like, ”Don’t worry about me. You just live your life and I’ll wait here.”
Then, if we hadn’t “played doctor” in four days, the veins in his eyes would get red and bulgy and his upper lip would start to twitch. If we went into the fifth day, he’d start to gnaw on the sofa.
The longer he went without release, the more pressurized —that is, grumpy —he became. If we ever went a whole week without sex, it’s as if his skin would turn green, black bolts would pop out of his neck, and he would morph into Franken-Husband.
Ladies, if you aren’t “taking care of business” a couple times a week, you may be creating your own monster.
Ron and I talked about my theory, and he agreed with it. He said, “After several days without sex, I start to feel like you don’t care about me. It isn’t a conscious decision, but my resentment just starts to build and keeps getting worse each day that you ignore or reject me.”
Husband’s Sexual Needs for Release
Then, I did some research and it confirmed our experience. Men’s need for sexual release is based on actual physical, hormonal needs. Many studies agree that because of sperm production, natural testosterone, and other factors, men naturally want sexual release about every seventy-two hours, or three days.
Men need sexual contact. God designed them that way. It’s not bad or dirty or perverted, it just is. If a wife makes an effort to meet her husband’s sexual needs, he’ll be more willing to meet hers. Sex is number one on Ron’s priority list and approximately number forty-seven on mine, but I have learned to honor its importance to him.
You are Sex-Driving Me Crazy!
I don’t fully understand the hormonal, physical male sex drive, but I do know a thing or two about the female hormone cycles. Ladies, have you ever gone on a PMS-driven mission called “Gotta have chocolate, or someone’s gonna die?” I have. I once ransacked every drawer in my son’s room looking for last year’s semi-sweet Easter Bunny’s ear.
I’ve clawed through the kitchen cupboards like [the movie character] Indiana Jones on a quest, looking for a little golden bag containing stale chocolate chips. As I ripped it open and blissfully inhaled the aroma, my pulse reacted as if I’d just found the necklace that the old lady threw off the Titanic.
Now imagine that you’re on a take-no-prisoners chocolate chase and your husband has a Snickers bar in his locked briefcase —but he won’t give you the key. He has the capability to relieve your hormonal obsession, but he refuses. How would you feel about him? Would you think that he was selfish? Mean? Cruel?
Ron says that’s how a man feels when his wife rejects his sexual needs.
Ouch.
Would You Like a Me-Burger?
If you think of your husband’s sexual needs as a hunger, his desire can be satisfied in many different ways. Each “feeding” does not have to be a banquet. His wife could “feed the need” with a snack, a meal, or a feast.
Often, a quick snack will satisfy his appetite. (Use your imagination here.) Other times, he’ll be thrilled to sit down (lie down) for a simple meal. On special occasions, however, get out the good china (satin sheets), send the children to Grandma’s house, and flambé a fabulous feast.
Ladies, next time your husband gets hungry for you and you’re too tired to prepare a banquet, ask him, “How about a quick snack?” He’ll probably be thrilled that you’re not rejecting him, and you’ll be able to meet his need without resenting it.
Don’t Make Him Beg
Bambi had four children in five years. She went from being a sex kitten to a fat cat who craved catnaps. She lost all interest in sex and was so tired that she had a “headache” for most of the next decade. When her husband tried to get frisky, she’d often arch her back and hiss, “You must be kidding!” He wasn’t. She refused him so many times that he quit asking. Not surprisingly, they’re now divorced and in the middle of a bitter custody battle over the kittens.
Men have fragile egos in this area and, in order to avoid rejection, they may stop pursuing their wives. Ladies, if your husband isn’t asking anymore, immediately sprint into a lingerie shop. I mean now, this minute! March in there, and buy a little —and I mean little —something. Then call your hubby and say, “I’m cooking up something special for dinner —hurry home!”
Unless your husband is a eunuch, he has sexual needs. Do your best to satisfy them.
“But I’m Embarrassed”
I don’t know why, but men are stimulated by visual cues. That’s why they’re much more likely to look at pornography than women are.
That’s also why they like to make love with the lights on. I’d prefer the flattering glow of a single votive candle, but Ron wants to use the same wattage a dentist uses for a root canal. So we have a conflict.
We’ve been married for 27 years and my body is almost fifty years old, and it’s showing signs of wear. I think of it as a comfy sofa: lumpy, frayed, and a little saggy. I try to avoid full-length mirrors, but my hubby still wants to see me —and that’s a good thing.
Several years ago, we discovered a wonderful compromise: we use a red or pink light bulb in the lamp next to our bed. I know it sounds crazy, but don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. The rosy glow diminishes most flaws, wrinkles, and stretch marks. You can buy these magic bulbs at most larger grocery stores for less than five dollars.
Discussing Wife’s and Husband’s Sexual Needs Together
Ideally, you should be at a place in your marriage where you can ask each other, “Are you happy with our sex life?” If one of you is not, ask, “Why not?” As a married couple, it’s vital that you are able to discuss your needs openly and honestly. If it’s important to one of you, it needs to be important to both of you.
Metaphorically speaking, if the wife waters the husband and the husband waters the wife, they will both be satisfied. “Drink water from your own well —share your love only with your wife [husband]” (Proverbs 5:15 NLT).
This article is adapted from the book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome, written by Nancy C Anderson, published by Kregel Publications. It was written by Nancy, who strayed to the other side of the marital fence —and returned to find forgiveness and restoration. Author Nancy C Anderson and her husband Ron, speak nationally to couples’ groups of all denominations. They share their message of hope and restoration with tenderness and humor. If you live in the United States and would like for them to speak with your group please contact them at Nancycanderson.com.
IF YOU ARE MARRIED and you have additional tips you can share, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: Sexual Issues
Thank you for bringing an honest Biblical perspective to this important subject. It has needed the fresh air and sunshine of the Biblical light of day for centuries. God bless your ministry and marriage.
I think it’s imperative that we add to the conversation that in an abusive situation this kind of message is harmful. Your spouses sexual need should never take priority over your need for safety and freedom from abuse. Yes if you are in a healthy marriage it’s crucial to have a conversation about sexual needs and for both parties to be in place where you can speak without fear. Also it’s important to add that frequency doesn’t not make or break a marriage. Nor does one spouse not getting enough sex make it ok to cheat, look at porn, treat their spouse poorly. etc.
When a marriage is in a healthy place, studies have shown that frequency takes care of itself, so emphasizing frequency isn’t the answer. Additionally God created sex to be a mutually, pleasurable expression of love between a husband and wife, when there is lack of sex it is more often a symptom of another problem.
So Spend time together as a couple exploring the whys and work together to overcome those issues. The example for the mom with the 5 kids instead of making her the selfish person maybe explore the situation with more depth. We don’t know the whole story. Maybe the mom was mentally and emotionally exhausted from taking care of the kids, parenting is hard; maybe she had traumatic births, maybe she has medical issues.
Which leaves me with my last comment, ones sex life with ebb and flow during various seasons in life and illnesses. So Let’s talk less about this supposed magical number of times per week and more on building true intimacy that I guarantee will improve a marriage and then sex life 10 fold.
Myra; This article was not written to address abuse, etc. This article is a personal account, shared for those who are experiencing a similar situation to what the author and her husband went through. It wouldn’t make sense to bring up abuse, as that is not part of their situation. The internet is full of information, support, etc. for abuse issues. Please try entering different words into your search engine. My heart goes out to you, and I will say a prayer you find what you need.
The Bible tells husbands and wives to render the marital debt unto each other. It’s mutual. It makes it clear that both spouses have a sex drive and should take care of the other. There is no emphasis on the wife being required to “take care of her husband’s insatiable sex drive” because men need sex constantly while women crave food instead. That’s silly.
There are many marriages, mine included, in which the wife is the one with the higher libido. Women are designed by God to need sex, too. And many men don’t have a high sex drive. Perpetuating stereotypes is creates is unhelpful. God created both men and women as sexual beings to complement each other and husband’s and wives should give to each other. If your marriage is about your “giving sex to your husband” or always making yourself available to him for sex and it revolves around his using you for his physical release then there is something very wrong. He should be focusing on your pleasure, too.
Sex is about mutual giving, not just one person taking. My husband is the exact opposite. He loves me and never uses me. I always feel like he cares about me and truly desires to give. That’s the biblical intention of sex within marriage.
The biggest problem is that there are so many ignorant men who don’t understand that women are not asexual. God gave women a sex drive, too. Women have a clitoris, most of which is underneath the skin but when measured is around six inches in length. Yet, many men aren’t even aware of it’s existence. Many men don’t think a woman’s orgasm is important. For them, sex ends when they ejaculate. Why bother giving the woman pleasure? And then they wonder why their wives get bored, lose interest or get resentful. Or they make the excuse that their wives don’t have a sex drive (except they are using vibrators)…Women don’t want their “emotional needs” met. A vibrator doesn’t give them emotional connection. It just gives sexual release. They don’t want chocolate. They’re not children, for heaven’s sake. They want their sexual needs met.
Stop being so selfish and lazy and focused on your own pleasure and start giving your wife pleasure. Then she’ll show interest. Any husband who wants his wife to show interest needs to give her an orgasm first, every time you have sex. (And no, it’s not “too much work, complicated, mysterious, etc.”) In other words, stop taking and start giving.
Ohhh Mary, not all men are as you described. Me & my wife have agreed to never fake it, if we can’t, we can’t. She reached it 8 or 9 times in about 5 days. Last week I thought she was going to set off the fire alarm. By the way, she is 63, total hysterectomy, she was worried that she would not have that sensation any longer. Honestly, it made hers better.
Thanks for finally talking abⲟut > Husband's Sexual Needs: Man Or Monster? – Marriage Missions International < Liked it!
Nancy, I know this post is old but on the chance you may have a chance to read my reply, here goes. I have to thank you for writing this article (I am going to look for your book). I found this article after searching something like “am I wrong to still have these feelings?” My wife and I also have been married 27 years. I have the exact needs / responses as your husband; the further out I go, the weirder my desires get. We are best friends; we have been through so much together and I could never hurt her in anyway. I work from home, so I take care of the home, bills, grocery shopping, and other general chores so that she doesn’t have to.
My wife works outside the home, and I love and respect her so much for how hard she works. She’s on her feet all day long, and I so empathize with her physical exhaustion. Yet, I am a man, and I too, don’t necessarily understand all this, but I do recognize that men and women ARE different. My wife has always given 100% no matter where I’ve led her over the years (or asked her to do). I’ve mellowed over the years but the need to release has never diminished. She has absolutely no desire anymore. I certainly understand that, all the while feeling these intense feelings inside me that I really can’t control. I can “take care of myself” but I so long for the touch of her skin, her scent, her closeness. She will always be the beautiful bride I married 27 years ago.
I hope my words will help others reading these comments. I’ve seen a lot of people who are in different situations than you write about; I hope people will understand that your words hit home for so many of us.
Thank you for your words of wisdom. I’ve shared your story with her; we hopefully can sit down and have a heart to heart soon. Thanks to both of you for sharing your story. Dave
No matter when I ask to talk to my wife about sex, she immediately clams up—it’s always the last thing she wants to talk about—even after 30 years of marriage. And she won’t touch any sexy nightgown or pretty outfit anymore, though she used to—the lace itches apparently now. I once even bought a satin outfit and she got mad at me “for looking” for sexy outfits. After 4 kids, she’s still a size 4…and beautiful; I think she still thinks sex is dirty and merely for procreation.
So frustrating…I’m often rejected more than not. I can count on one hand how many times she has initiated sex in 30 years. But no matter how little we have sex, I always put her enjoyment first. I can cook, clean, and compliment all day long—doesn’t help. She says “I’m just trying to get more” by doing these. Tea and breakfast in bed… nah…no help either. I’ve just resigned myself to just the little I get.