After 27 years of marriage, I’m just beginning to understand my husband’s sexual needs.
I DO know that his need for sexual contact is much stronger than mine. While I would be thrilled, with a romantic rendezvous about twice a month, my husband’s sexual needs are more intense.
I noticed a pattern: the longer he went without sexual intimacy, the more irritable he became. On the days when we made love, Ron was mellow and easygoing about things that might normally have bothered him. During the day after, he was still patient, kind, and cuddly as a six-foot teddy bear. On the third day after our “session”, he would start to get restless and make sarcastic comments like, ”Don’t worry about me. You just live your life and I’ll wait here.”
Then, if we hadn’t “played doctor” in four days, the veins in his eyes would get red and bulgy and his upper lip would start to twitch. If we went into the fifth day, he’d start to gnaw on the sofa.
The longer he went without release, the more pressurized —that is, grumpy —he became. If we ever went a whole week without sex, it’s as if his skin would turn green, black bolts would pop out of his neck, and he would morph into Franken-Husband.
Ladies, if you aren’t “taking care of business” a couple times a week, you may be creating your own monster.
Ron and I talked about my theory, and he agreed with it. He said, “After several days without sex, I start to feel like you don’t care about me. It isn’t a conscious decision, but my resentment just starts to build and keeps getting worse each day that you ignore or reject me.”
Husband’s Sexual Needs for Release
Then, I did some research and it confirmed our experience. Men’s need for sexual release is based on actual physical, hormonal needs. Many studies agree that because of sperm production, natural testosterone, and other factors, men naturally want sexual release about every seventy-two hours, or three days.
Men need sexual contact. God designed them that way. It’s not bad or dirty or perverted, it just is. If a wife makes an effort to meet her husband’s sexual needs, he’ll be more willing to meet hers. Sex is number one on Ron’s priority list and approximately number forty-seven on mine, but I have learned to honor its importance to him.
You are Sex-Driving Me Crazy!
I don’t fully understand the hormonal, physical male sex drive, but I do know a thing or two about the female hormone cycles. Ladies, have you ever gone on a PMS-driven mission called “Gotta have chocolate, or someone’s gonna die?” I have. I once ransacked every drawer in my son’s room looking for last year’s semi-sweet Easter Bunny’s ear.
I’ve clawed through the kitchen cupboards like [the movie character] Indiana Jones on a quest, looking for a little golden bag containing stale chocolate chips. As I ripped it open and blissfully inhaled the aroma, my pulse reacted as if I’d just found the necklace that the old lady threw off the Titanic.
Now imagine that you’re on a take-no-prisoners chocolate chase and your husband has a Snickers bar in his locked briefcase —but he won’t give you the key. He has the capability to relieve your hormonal obsession, but he refuses. How would you feel about him? Would you think that he was selfish? Mean? Cruel?
Ron says that’s how a man feels when his wife rejects his sexual needs.
Ouch.
Would You Like a Me-Burger?
If you think of your husband’s sexual needs as a hunger, his desire can be satisfied in many different ways. Each “feeding” does not have to be a banquet. His wife could “feed the need” with a snack, a meal, or a feast.
Often, a quick snack will satisfy his appetite. (Use your imagination here.) Other times, he’ll be thrilled to sit down (lie down) for a simple meal. On special occasions, however, get out the good china (satin sheets), send the children to Grandma’s house, and flambé a fabulous feast.
Ladies, next time your husband gets hungry for you and you’re too tired to prepare a banquet, ask him, “How about a quick snack?” He’ll probably be thrilled that you’re not rejecting him, and you’ll be able to meet his need without resenting it.
Don’t Make Him Beg
Bambi had four children in five years. She went from being a sex kitten to a fat cat who craved catnaps. She lost all interest in sex and was so tired that she had a “headache” for most of the next decade. When her husband tried to get frisky, she’d often arch her back and hiss, “You must be kidding!” He wasn’t. She refused him so many times that he quit asking. Not surprisingly, they’re now divorced and in the middle of a bitter custody battle over the kittens.
Men have fragile egos in this area and, in order to avoid rejection, they may stop pursuing their wives. Ladies, if your husband isn’t asking anymore, immediately sprint into a lingerie shop. I mean now, this minute! March in there, and buy a little —and I mean little —something. Then call your hubby and say, “I’m cooking up something special for dinner —hurry home!”
Unless your husband is a eunuch, he has sexual needs. Do your best to satisfy them.
“But I’m Embarrassed”
I don’t know why, but men are stimulated by visual cues. That’s why they’re much more likely to look at pornography than women are.
That’s also why they like to make love with the lights on. I’d prefer the flattering glow of a single votive candle, but Ron wants to use the same wattage a dentist uses for a root canal. So we have a conflict.
We’ve been married for 27 years and my body is almost fifty years old, and it’s showing signs of wear. I think of it as a comfy sofa: lumpy, frayed, and a little saggy. I try to avoid full-length mirrors, but my hubby still wants to see me —and that’s a good thing.
Several years ago, we discovered a wonderful compromise: we use a red or pink light bulb in the lamp next to our bed. I know it sounds crazy, but don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. The rosy glow diminishes most flaws, wrinkles, and stretch marks. You can buy these magic bulbs at most larger grocery stores for less than five dollars.
Discussing Wife’s and Husband’s Sexual Needs Together
Ideally, you should be at a place in your marriage where you can ask each other, “Are you happy with our sex life?” If one of you is not, ask, “Why not?” As a married couple, it’s vital that you are able to discuss your needs openly and honestly. If it’s important to one of you, it needs to be important to both of you.
Metaphorically speaking, if the wife waters the husband and the husband waters the wife, they will both be satisfied. “Drink water from your own well —share your love only with your wife [husband]” (Proverbs 5:15 NLT).
This article is adapted from the book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome, written by Nancy C Anderson, published by Kregel Publications. It was written by Nancy, who strayed to the other side of the marital fence —and returned to find forgiveness and restoration. Author Nancy C Anderson and her husband Ron, speak nationally to couples’ groups of all denominations. They share their message of hope and restoration with tenderness and humor. If you live in the United States and would like for them to speak with your group please contact them at Nancycanderson.com.
IF YOU ARE MARRIED and you have additional tips you can share, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: Sexual Issues
It is a great article; I had fun to read it! I feel the author’s compassion for both sides and there is a resolution. There is an explanation of our nature, and needs. All for peace in a family! “Treat others like you want to be treated” ladies! Yes, we do not have that constant sex drive but we can be nice out of compassion. I am sure God will reward us as well as our husband will. Jesus died on a cross for us; he sacrificed himself so we won’t die eternally and we complain about little favor we can do for our hubby? It is not his fault he is designed that way!
And we are designed to be his friend and helper! Deny your ego and step in his shoes. We are women! That means we are mothers, lovers and take carers! Praise God for that! Throw away those feminists concepts like “it is all about me” or “he should think about my feelings.” That will end up with family fights, unhappy kids, cheating and divorces. Put on an armor of love, sacrifice, devotion and care. Good luck, ladies! God bless you!
Thank you Natalie. We appreciate your sharing your perspective!
I shared this with my wife. I am 58 and she is 56. She said that is all I ever want from her. I said no, that is all I ever need from you. In the last 10 years of begging, I am giving up on 30 years of marriage. I told her before if the sex doesn’t pick up I am out. It did for about 3 weeks. I am horny all the time and she doesn’t care about sex. She says it is too much work. She stays home all day, no kids, doesn’t clean and seldom cooks.
mmmm, what if your xxxxxx quit working, how would you feel if your wife wanted to leave you because of this??
That is apples and oranges.
“She stays home all day, no kids, doesn’t clean and seldom cooks.” -It’s not apples and oranges. He does everything for her and gets nothing in return. Being 30 years with her is just stupid.
Being horny can be caused by many things. Are you constantly looking at porn or lusting after other women? Do you find your mind thinking about sex all of the time? Are you in control of your mind and thoughts and are your thoughts balanced? When you have sex with your wife, is it a form of stress relief for you or love? During sex are you focused on her or your private parts? You are not an animal.
Unfortunately and especially in western culture, men have misused sex, misunderstood the purpose of love and marriage, used their wives as a ‘toilet’ for their lusts AND lost the art of “the genuine loving touch”. Women do not like construction workers gawking, intimidating and yelling at them in the streets or in their bedroom. Women do not like threats.
Try smiling and do what Jesus would do if he was married.
You only need her for sex? Did I read that right? You need to take inventory of your life and the things around you. Without your sex slave how would your life look?
Remarkable understanding of a man’s perspective from a woman. Your husband is truly blessed, thank you.
My husband of 35 years sent this to me. I had hurt him but not on purpose. I didn’t truly understand his needs. I always thought his desire was a lot. I have a lot of physical problems now, but that is no excuse to not be the wife he needs. I have asked The Lord and him to forgive me. I have made a promise I intend to keep to him.
Sandie, does your husband understand that you have physical problems? Does he meet your needs too? I hope your sex life isn’t all about ‘meeting his needs.’
I understand where you are coming from and although I don’t disagree that it affects men I’m curious how those of us that developed chronic illness should feel about this. I struggle with fatigue and pain daily; I practically live at doctors. Our 4 children have been diagnosed with autism; 3 of them have also started to have health issues so that’s even more doctors.
My husband does work full time nights and I appreciate how hard he works, but I am expected to handle all medical, school, mental health, and emotional needs of our children daily, which is a huge struggle for me considering it hurts to breathe and sometimes I can’t even bathe myself.
A big fight my husband and I keep having is sex. He wouldn’t even be satisfied if I did it once a week because I can’t be exciting; it’s too exhausting and he wants me to enjoy it as well, which is pretty much impossible considering I suffer from numbness down there and everything hurts. I kill myself daily to be there for the kids (he still wants one more btw) and him. He says I don’t care about his needs, which is primarily sex but what about the fact he doesn’t seem to care it makes me ill for days. If he lost the ability for sex and I was healthy I would still love and care for him and live without; but since I’m sick I feel like I’m expected to magically get better or face divorce.
I’ve been in this relationship for 11 years and I haven’t had sex but three times this past year. I am 41 and I pay all the bills; I do the cleaning and the laundry. She makes me feel like we are coparenting! I don’t want a buddy; I need a wife that wants me as bad as I want her. I’m past the begging part; I just plain gave up. I feel like I’m the ugliest man around. I go even as far as saying get out; I’m done with all of this.
I know for sure that it’s a fact that if you don’t use it you will lose it. I’m like really done; but then I ask myself do you really tell your wife to kick rocks over sex? I have even told her that if she didn’t want to give it to me then I’ll pay for it! But that’s not right either, nor does she seem to care at all, regardless. I don’t know what to do. I’M FLIPPING CO PARENTING HERE PEOPLE.
My wife and I have been married for 16 years. We are as close as you can be as high school sweethearts, however; we met a few weekends after turning 18.
We had mindnumbing sex for the first few years. It started a few times a day, as most relationships do. After a few years, things slowed down to 4-5 times a week. Then 3 children later, everything slowed down even more. It was my fault for not appreciating her, not understanding the miracle God had provided for me. I cheated more than once, and left her more than once, which I’m horrified at looking back.
We managed to repair our relationship (meaning I got my head on straight). However by then we forgot how to make intimacy work unscripted. We are slowly rebuilding the aspect of sex. It’s getting better, and we spend 3-4 nights together each week.
There is a chance that God may call me home soon, and I want to make our relationship to work more than ever now. I’m not the stallion that I was. I’m in my late 30’s, but that is where the problem is.
She is willing to have sex whenever I want it for the most part, however her doctors have her thinking she has a lot of problems. They diagnosed her with fibromyalgia, then endometriosis, followed by more and more. The office has her get needed tests over and over, and I think it’s making her think she is broken. And last, she is working nonstop, so when she gets home and we do have sex she rushes it. It ends up lasting no more than an hour at most, leaving her more aggravated then I am.
Anyway rant over. Love the one you’re with; praise God for the gift he has given you. If anyone has advise to my wall of text please let me know.
You said: “and we spend 3-4 nights together each week… It ends up lasting no more than an hour at most, leaving her more aggravated then I am.”
Sex 3 or 4 times a week? Lasting no more than 1 hour? I bet she is aggravated! Maybe you need to cut it back to 1 or 2 times a week where it won’t last so long, especially if she has health problems.
If I hear the ‘chocolate analogy’ one more time, my eyes will roll so far up, they’ll stick there. So many words devoted to a silly comparison, which makes women look ridiculous.
Chocolate!! You can’t see now… You must be single! Most women are flattered that someone ‘wants’ them…
Nope, been happily married for 31 years. No silly chocolate analogies here.
Fiona, I agree with you about the chocolate analogy. It infantalizes women and I’m tired of hearing that grown women would rather have chocolate than sex. It’s tiresome. Like I said I my last comment, women are not asexual.
I know, this reads as if a man wrote it under the guise of a woman. Not saying that’s true, but it’s almost as if the perspective comes entirely from 90s chocolate commercials.
1. Giving someone access to your body just because they want it is not as simple as satisfying a food craving. Many times a husband expects it, thinks only of his own “horniness” doesn’t care if she’s aroused or not but this article says let him have it anyway. That creates resentment and even repulsion.
2.Why when I searched this topic didn’t I see anything for men, how to treat & arouse your wife – better sex for her. I tell you what – if it was good for her, she’d be wanting it more often. If your wife doesn’t want it, you aren’t doing something right, face the facts. It’s always women who have to bend to the needs of a man all the while he is also only concerned with his own pleasure. Incredible. *** just a tip for any man complaining his wife isn’t giving it up enough- start with connecting to her on a deeper level than her private parts*** treat her like a person that you’re interested in instead of an object you’re interested in doing something to**
Well, then don’t be surprised if he goes out to “arouse” other women. I’m pretty sure most men are quite capable of arousing a mistress. I have no idea why wives are so difficult to arouse and mistresses aren’t. But it surely isn’t the man not knowing how to arouse a woman.
I’d argue that most couples with little sex don’t suffer from poor quality sex. Just not enough. I seriously doubt better quality sex will increase libido.
You said, “I have no idea why wives are so difficult to arouse and mistresses aren’t.” Easy; wives had bad opinions for their husbands. Some past failure, bad decision, the wife will not forgive. ASK ME HOW I KNOW!! Like when a woman who has 0 sex drive for her husband, they divorce, she meets someone new, then they go at it like rabbits…
Oh Kim, you have that sooo wrong. What makes you think women want more poor quaility sex? Quality over quantity evey time.
BECAUSE THEY ARE GETTING PAID TO DO IT!
God did not create women to be asexual. Our sexuality is part of our identity, just as men’s sexuality is a part of their identity. We are designed to complement each other. I fail to see how wives can be their husbands’ helpmates in this respect if they deny their sexuality and replace it with something else like chocolate craving. Personally, I have never done this. I have always had a libido that equals that of my husband and so we have never had these problems and I know I am not the only wife like this.
I wish my wife would listen to me. According to her, she is unable to even contemplate sex as she is a mixed bag of emotions due to the onset of menopause. (I know many women would label me a ‘monster’ the moment they read this.) I broached the topic of sex and she pounced on me accusing me of wanting only this one thing from her.
Another very humiliating and painful charge was that I resent our daughter for taking my wife’s time. Of course, we made up after this heated discussion but I am not so sure about my wife anymore. It appears that no matter what I say or do, I am either a misogynistic male chauvinist OR a sex maniac. To add insult to injury, I was even accused of resenting her job!!!
Needless to say, I am absolutely horrified by all these reactions and I find myself walking on eggshells around her. I despise her holier-than-thou attitude where she is supposedly the one doing ‘everything’!! I often wonder how long this charade would last. I am terrified at the thought of divorce and what it might do to our child, not to mention the fact that I despise the very idea of ‘child care’ or ‘alimony’. Neither is sex a favor to be traded nor is it something to demanded as a right. Instead, I view it as a union of two bodies savoring the connection that they have at an emotional and spiritual level (that is, if two people even have this sort of connection !).
I just wonder where did that person I fell in love with vanish after becoming a mother. Why do mothers make their husbands feel like a monster for even expecting any sort of connection? All of a sudden, we have to prove our worth and slog to even get a little bit of love. Don’t they ever think what would happen when the child grows up and has their own life?
Guys, all you need is literally STOP pressuring your wife to have sex with you. You know , wife are having a GREAT crisis when she started losing desire. She just can’t explain her deep feelings. Your wife is being greatly overwhelmed of all the sudden responsibilities of being a wife, mother, home maker, task planner manager etc. The reason is not easily explainable, She needs YOU to be her FRIEND right now. Like a REAL FRIEND who can understand her life now.
She is LONELY I tell you. Why is she lonely? She is losing her identity. She resents you. She’s emotionally, intellectually and physically tired specially with the kids. Remember… PLEASE DON’T TAKE IT SERIOUSLY. SHE STILL CARES AND LOVES YOU. STAY HELPFUL, MAKE HER LAUGH, DON’T FORGET TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF TOO! BETTER YOURSELF; THINK ABOUT YOUR YOUNGER YEARS WHAT WERE YOUR DREAMS AND HOBBIES THAT MADE YOU HAPPY. SEX IS NOT THE ONLY REASON TO FEEL LOVED AND HAPPY. HAVE TIME TOGETHER BUT DON’T TOUCH HER. YES, DON’T TOUCH HER; LET HER COME TO YOU. IT’S TRICKY; YOU MUST BALANCE BEING THERE FOR HER AND IGNORE HER. THERES A FINE LINE FOR THAT.
Good comment. My wife told me she wants space. No touching, which is hard because we used to hug and touch each other all the time. We sleep in different rooms, different bathrooms, occasional peck when we leave. No “I love you’s ” I am giving her space. But what I don’t understand is her sisters are moving closer to us. She is excited. These sisters cause her 90% of all her drama, stress, chaos in her life; they have ruined a few of our vacations, her 50th birthday… But she is excited; while I help around the house, give her space, keep peace, and she barely talks to me…
My husband gets very crabby if he goes more than 2-3 days without some sort of sexual release from me. The biggest problem is during my period. I won’t have sex while I’m bleeding. Sorry, that’s just completely off the table. My period lasts a full 7-8 days, so that’s a lot of time that I am just not at all in the mood to do anything, including a hand job. If he could just give me a break during that week, our relationship would be so much better. The other weeks of the month, I provide sexual release for him 2-3x/week. Why can’t I just have a break?
Marriage demands of us that we give and take and marry our ways. You’re giving in these ways; your husband needs to give you a break at other ways. Your husband can do this. Yes, it will be difficult, but it’s difficult for you too. You aren’t saying no forever. But if he keeps getting insistent, without considering your feelings on this, you will be tempted to turn away completely. God’s love “considers others as more important than ourselves.” … Try talking to him at a non-conflicting time. Lay a foundation of prayer under all of this ahead of time. Ask God to show you how to approach this wisely so your husband will hear you so you can figure this out together so both of you feel like you feel heard, valued, understood, and satisfied with the solution you come up with. There is your stance, his stance, and the way you work this out in consideration of each other. That’s what marriage partnership is all about.
A snickers bar and autonomy over your own body are not even comparable things. This messaging is dangerous and unacceptable. It is promoting unhealthy sexual behavior at best. I’m concerned that it could promote sexual assault.
Well said “J”.
I also was relieved to read:
Giving someone access to your body just because they want it is not as simple as satisfying a food craving. Many times a husband expects it, thinks only of his own “horniness”…That creates resentment and even repulsion.
If hear the ‘chocolate analogy’ one more time, my eyes will roll so far up, they’ll stick there. So many words devoted to a silly comparison, which makes women look ridiculous.
Fiona, I agree with you about the chocolate analogy. It infantalizes women.
Sex 3 or 4 times a week? Lasting no more than 1 hour? I bet she is aggravated!… she has health problems.
Sandie, does your husband understand that you have physical problems? Does he meet your needs too? I hope your sex life isn’t all about ‘meeting his needs.’
Unfortunately and especially in western culture, men have misused sex, misunderstood the purpose of love and marriage, used their wives as a ‘toilet’ for their lusts AND lost the art of “the genuine loving touch”.
This entire article gives me pick me vibes. Ladies, if your man can’t go a week without sex then that is his problem not yours. Men need to get their urges under control, so sick of hearing about how the wife or women needs to step it up.
Yes, all things we need to hear we get it. Doesn’t make it easier… This is very difficult for women to live by their spouses sex drive. Women crave deep emotional intimacy so y’all better be bringing that to the table or no snack; no feast no other B’s. Also makes things difficult that some of y’all jerk off every morning on top of wanting sex.
That’s discussing. Try anything else but being used as a convenient release for anything. ( Including his own hand). Have some self respect!