Please answer this question by leaving a comment below
(To see previous questions, visit our archive)
This is a simple question posed, for a very important reason. The reason we pose it is because so many spouses are in the position of going to church without their spouse. They don’t want to, but it’s either a matter of going alone, or not going at all. So we’re asking you, if you go to church without your spouse, what helps you? What has God, and others spoken to you that helps?
Concerning this question, Dr Ralph F. Wilson wrote:
“A sense of responsibility for her children’s faith is what motivated Dyann. “One Sunday morning I realized that my six-year- old had never been to church or Sunday school,” she said. “I know I can’t give her my faith, but I am responsible to help her learn about Jesus so she’ll be able to develop her own faith as she grows. To rob her of a knowledge of God would be even worse than robbing her of the ability to learn to read.” Dyann and her daughter, Lisa, have been attending church ever since. (From the Joyfulheart.com article, “Should Wives Go To Church Without Their Husbands?”)
This is something to prayerfully consider.
Also, Before Answering Our Question:
Here’s a piece of advice written by Desiree S. Coleman, that you may find helpful:
“In being true to yourself, explain to your spouse why your faith is important to you. Likewise, express your desire for a united family. And communicate how you would love to have a shared commitment to faith. And then, as cliche as it sounds, you will have to let go and let God do the work. Realize that the spiritual walk involves spiritual things. In other words, at a certain point, there is only so much that you can do and say. At that point, you will have to activate your faith and believe God to draw your spouse unto Him. And don’t lose hope when it seems like nothing is happening. Because when you’ve exhausted all your options and handed it to God, that’s when you realize He has been at work all along. (From the Blackandmarriedwithkids.com article, “5 Things To Do If Your Spouse Won’t Come To Church”)
And Lastly:
The following is some advice that Lynn Donovan gives from her own personal experience:
“Here are some lessons I’ve learned through sitting alone in church. One, I’m not the only one. My spiritual mismatched allowed me to see many others who don’t fit in. My heart is drawn to those who are alone, even those who feel alone but ARE sitting with a spouse. And my friends, churches are filled with these kinds of people who pretend their marriage is perfect. It’s simply not true. Every marriage, including your pastor’s will struggle, even greatly struggle at some point. It’s just different from yours.
“Allow yourself to set aside your loneliness and pain and truly look around you. It’s likely your training here at SUM and through the Word will allow you to speak love and truth into some other misfit who is sitting in the sanctuary. And that my friends, is exactly what delights the heart of God. BTW: Ultimately we will discover we are all misfits and that is exactly what God intends!!! (From the Spirituallyunequallyyokedmarriage.com article, “Going to Church Alone”)
Additionally, here is a link to an article that will lead you to even more advice that you may find to be helpful. We encourage you to read:
• MY SPOUSE WON’T GO TO CHURCH. HELP!
Now, once again, the question we’re posing. We hope you can give some insights to help others as you answer it:
If you go to church without your spouse, how do you deal with unmet expectations?
Filed under: Question of the Month Spiritual Matters Unbelieving Spouse
(USA) We ask this question because so many are living in marriages where they are unequally yoked in various ways and we would like discussion on how individuals are dealing with attending church alone. We found a few articles that might help you in this situation if you would read them. One is ““Beautiful Sunday Morning” and another is http://www.growthtrac.com/when-church-bells-arent-ringing/#.UldaLxaLN0U.”
Another article that might help from the Crosswalk.com web site is: “When You’re Weary of Worshiping Alone.”
After reading those articles though, we hope you will return to this web site to answer the question above so we can minister to each other’s needs and pray for one another. “May the Lord direct your heart into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.” (2 Thessalonians 3:5)
(NIGERIA) I really am in a terrible state with no one but God to intervene. I married a man who I believed had given his life to Christ, although he was not a serious Christian when we met and started dating. He gave his life when he knew I won’t marry an unbeliver. We were regular members for 1 year after marriage. He then slowly started keeping away from church and finally stopped me entirely from going.
He started commiting adultry, became abusive of me. I tried to continue without him for 7 yrs now with our 3 kids. He lets us go for some months, then he gets really angry, starts beating me up, and eventually stops me from going to church. I have prayed for him over the years and am still praying. Pastors have asked to see him but he rejects them and beats me up for talking with pastors. Right now he has banned me from going to a new church. He forced me to join. He stops me from going to a church. When I change, he stops me again. I dare not ask him to join me to church, he gets really mad when I ask. He is getting worse, I have bled a lot from his beatings. I can’t leave him because I love him and my kids love him. I hate divorce. I don’t know how long I can continue like this with an adultrous man that would not fear God.
He prefers I live like him in sin. I don’t know what else to do. I only wish he will let me go to church and fellowship with God’s people. I can’t even pray and read the Bible when he is around. If I get commited, he starts to maltreat me. I feel trapped, I need prayers and Gods help.
Is anyone going through what I am going through? Has anyone passed this phase in life? What should I do? Who can help me?
(USA) Nina, I want to start with what I feel is the most important thing I can say to you: You need spiritual guidance… AND legal assistance. I did a little research on Nigerian law, but the reality is -I am not someone who can answer some of the questions you need to be facing with authority.
Of course you hate divorce -you love God. I feel it in your message. But let me be very, very clear. I am the FIRST person to quote Malachi 2:16 when I speak to people contemplating sinful behavior in marriage, or unjustified ending of a marriage. Believe me, I’ve done it countless times in my ministry. Like ANY verse, it must NEVER be read without full context. Not only do we need to read the surrounding verses and understand what God is trying to teach us, we need to read ALL of verse 16. So many of us stop at “God hates divorce” and move on. Here is the full verse, quoted from NIV 1984 edition: “I hate divorce,” says the LORD God of Israel, “and I hate a man’s covering himself with violence as well as with his garment,” says the LORD Almighty.
God places violence on equal footing with divorce in terms of hatred. Some refuse to allow the possibility of divorce. I’ve seen people twist Mark 10:11 to fit a narrow definition. The New American Commentary explains that prior to Jesus’ statement, a Jewish woman could be adulterous to her husband, but a husband could not commit adultery against their wife. That explains plural marriage, something God never endorsed or accepted, but something that happened throughout the Jewish history. You don’t read about a woman with multiple husbands, however -that would have been adulterous!
By stating that a man could cheat on his wife, and a woman could cheat on her spouse, Jesus was elevating the status of women once again, closer to equality. Not making a statement that divorce is NEVER permitted. For anyone who tries to teach differently, they have made the cardinal mistake of forgetting that scripture is NEVER at odds with itself and never contradicts itself. Matthew 19:9: I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.”
We see clearly that Jesus elevates the position of the woman in marriage to a more equal footing than previous history permitted. There is every reason to believe verse 9 applies to a woman divorcing and remarrying just as much as it does to a man. As I ALWAYS tell people, divorce is not God’s ideal outcome for us. It’s never required. It’s ALWAYS optional. But it’s a fallacy to say it’s never permitted. Jesus clearly permits it. Divorce may be rarely acceptable, but violence is NEVER acceptable between a man and his spouse.
I would say, without question, if you were the victim of violence here in the United States, where I’m much more familiar with the law, I would tell you to pack up your children when your husband wasn’t around, and GET OUT. Divorce or don’t divorce, that can be settled later, but your physical safety (and your children) must come first. Period. In fact, if that person had nowhere to stay, I would, without even questioning it, would immediately call my wife and inform her of what was happening, and open our home immediately.
How the law in your country works, I am much less familiar. If there is a way for you to leave a physically dangerous environment and not be separated from your children and leave them in the care of a violent man, avail yourself of that opportunity. Again, I’m not TELLING you to get a divorce, that issue needs to be addressed, but not now. I am TELLING you that option is permissible, and entirely non-sinful.
My mother has been the victim of physical abuse, by a man she saw after my parents divorced. I understand how difficult it is for some women to escape from the violence, but please look beyond the parts of your husband you love, and be 1) safe and 2) looking at the entire picture. “I can’t leave him because I love him and my kids love him.” You can’t possibly love the part of him that injures you physically. Nor should you try. Nor do you kids want anyone abusing their mother. Trust me. I was a child seeing my mother abused.
Look around this web page. You will see I’ve commented many, many times, offering advice, offering prayer, and sharing my personal testimony of finding Christ and strengthening my marriage. You will, prior to this message, never see me so adamant about telling someone to GET OUT. In fact, you’ll never find me ever even suggesting it. I’ve counseled people outside of this web page, as well, and I’m quite confidant in reporting this is the first time I’ve ever told anyone to pack up. Put some distance between the violence and yourself (and children). And try to find a way to (safely) get some strong legal advice. And if possible, see that a violent abuser is charged with a crime.
After he repents before Jesus, and comes clean to you about all of his sin that he has committed against God and against his wife, and after he enters into counseling (preferably Christian counseling), then you can talk about entering into counseling TOGETHER. And then, and only then, might I soften a bit and offer you advice about saving your marriage. Right now, please save your LIFE. And please don’t think to yourself or say to me “he’d never kill me”, because I know there was a time when you felt he would never cheat on you or beat you up. It’s evident he is not the man you had hoped he was. Christ can save all and forgive all. But an unrepentant sinner is someone to be prayed over, not someone to share a bedroom together.
And in the mean time, read Ephesians 5:11; 2 Corinthians 6:14, and remain in prayer. And please, consider finding a safe place to be. I want to read a comment from you here in a few months about how your life has improved, rather than hear a sad story on a news site about what has happened to you or your children.
Nina, I am going to be praying for you, and asking our Church leadership and elders to do the same. I hope you learn how serious the nature of the sin that is being perpetrated against you is. God will protect you, but consider that He might not do so as you expected. Your husband may retain the free will and ability to abuse you physically. God may choose to send people into your life to guide you on a new path. Don’t wait for God to change your husband, since you may not know how He chooses to answer your prayers. Remain steadfast in prayer, and discern HOW God wishes to deliver you from bondage. God often calls us to new places, and rarely keeps us standing still. Do not stand still if He is calling you elsewhere. God Bless.
(KENYA) I go to church alone. I am born again, my husband is not. I was born again after we got married. My husband goes to church on condition that we do the first service of the day. Initially this was possible, coz I wanted to go with him but after the baby, it’s not coz the baby will wake up at around 8:30 and the service starts at 9. I can’t feed and get her ready in thirty minutes, and it’s a 30 minutes drive to the church. So we will get there late which I don’t like and I opted to be going for the 11 o’clock service.
I also get sad, especially sad, coz at times when he comes to church, he will switch on to a secular music station right in the church compound as we leave. At such times I am usually still in the ‘church mood’ and would just wish to talk about the sermon, or how good church was. Recently I joined a Bible study and there are couples that always come together. I admire them. My husband won’t come, and I don’t know how I will deal with it when it’s my turn to host. He also told me that he will start going to church actively when the baby is 3 years and needs to go know that people go to church. I am really praying for him to change, and better still, get saved.
(USA) Hi Kenya: I understand your position completely because my husband grew up Catholic, but no longer practices that religion. So while he doesn’t believe that we should raise our own children Catholic, he also does not feel comfortable at any other church as the Catholic church has some very distinct traditions. He has agreed to go to church, but like your husband, he chooses the one he can get out of the fastest. He won’t go to any Bible studies or church events outside of the Sunday service. It made me resentful for a long time until I changed the way I thought about it and began thinking in positives.
My husband is willing to go to church. That is a step in the right direction. Some women cannot talk their husbands into going to church at all. That would be real loneliness – living with an unbeliever. For the rest of us who genuinely want to go to church we don’t really care when we go as long as we get to go, so I let him win on that one and we go early. Yes it means my three children have to get up half an hour earlier on Sunday, but they too should be making a sacrifice and it really doesn’t hurt them. They adapt very easily and church is important for them as well.
Like your husband my husband is not comfortable in any group settings either. He has not reached a place in his life where he is ready to profess his undying love for his creator. Previously when my husband wouldn’t go it meant that I didn’t get to go either. I was resentful at him for missing out on these important opportunities to worship. After talking to a friend, I learned that I was missing out because I chose to. Whether or not my husband went made no difference. Now when I want to stay after church or go to a Bible study or other special event I share this part of my life with the other important people in my life like my mom, sister or friend. I have also realized that these events are extremely important to me personally in my efforts to keep my faith and my spirits high.
I guess I feel like it is important for my husband to be saved and to go to church and as long as I keep bringing him week after week, God WILL speak to him and he WILL hear eventually. He won’t be able to ignore it forever. So, I treat it more as being on a mission for GOD, to bring this man that I love so dearly to hear the Gospel. When you have faith and you surround yourself by other believers to worship (mom, sister, friend) you will keep your own spirits high so that you can have the strength to keep bringing your special loved one to GOD week after week after week.
In reality, you love your husband and you love GOD, so please continue to do whatever it takes and don’t sweat the unimportant stuff.
(USA) I see this was posted a while back, but I feel the need to respond to Reddings response. I am in a similar position your husband is in, that my husband is getting very involved with his faith and I am not. Your response makes it look like just because your husband doesn’t do anything outside of church (Bible studies, church events, etc) that he isn’t a believer. You can be a believer and not go to church. You make it sound like you have to do certain things in order to be a proper believer and that isn’t right.
I am surprised you were the resentful one. It didn’t sound like he was stopping you from any of the church activities you wanted to do so you should respect that he doesn’t. Just because someone doesn’t go to church and openly profess their faith doesn’t mean they aren’t a believer. What God wants is a personal relationship with each of us, PERSONAL. Maybe he has that and it isn’t the same as what you have, but it doesn’t mean it isn’t there and that is ok. You probably just want to be able to share this part of your life with him (which my husband wants to do with me), but he shouldn’t have to change that part of him just to please you, just like I would think you wouldn’t want him to want you to change.
It is great you enjoy the church activities, but I hope you respect that he doesn’t and there is nothing wrong with that from my perspective. It sounds so hypocritical to imply he isn’t a believer just because “has not reached a place in his life where he is ready to profess his undying love for his creator.” So dramatic. I don’t mean to be disrespectful, I only know you from the little blurb you wrote. But it hits me hard because I believe in God – absolutely. But I don’t have the desire to go to church, sing about it, and tell everyone. I don’t find it helpful to sit around with others and discuss the Bible. Some people do, and that is great for them. But that isn’t how God speaks to me.
So is my relationship with him not as valid then? I don’t like crowds or other people. Does that make me less worthy then? You make it sound like there are strings attached and you have to enroll in certain activities to really be a true believer. It is just really a put off when things come across like that.
(USA) Matthew 10:32 “Whosoever therefore shall confess me before men, him will I confess also before my Father which is in heaven.” Luke 12:8 “Also I say unto you, Whosoever shall confess me before men, him shall the Son of man also confess before the angels of God.”
(USA) You do not have to go to church to be born again, but when you are truly born again, God puts that want to inside of you to got to church. If you have no desire to be around other believers, then you should read the 5 short chapters in 1st John and re-evaluate your relationship with Christ.
(UNITED STATES) Ok Ms Krisine. I think you are totaly missing what she is saying. Redding admitted that she was the one keeping herself from going to church. She just wants her husband to be a part of her world as much as he wants her to be a a part of his world. The bottom line is this. If you want to get to know who you are with, you must be willing to make sacifices. So, you don’t go to church but you believe?
The Bible says we should assemble ourselves together. Meaning we need to come together in Christ. When we pray it says where there are two or more gathered… Not one but two or more. So yes she wants her husband to eventually profess his love for God, and guess what? So does God. If we confess with our MOUTH and believe in our hearts…. Not the other way around sweetie.
You must also go and teach all nations… about Christ and not just keep it to yourself. And one last thing, when you study together with others, you get a different perspective and understanding from Bible Study. Ten people can read the same verse ten times and still come out with ten different view points. What you may be reading and claiming to understand and then try to explain it to someone, you may have it wrong. Everybody is entitled to their opinion and Redding gave some great suggestions. Fact of the matter is that what may work in your house may not work in her house and vice versa.
(USA) Thank you, thank you, thank you. My husband has recently started going to the Christian church. I agree with your comment 100%.
(USA) Maria, “I’m the “non-believer” and recently attended a Chrisitan couple’s night. I never felt more lonely and out of place. I should never have accepted to go.”
I recently was invited to a party thrown by a bunch of “non-believers”, and didn’t really know anyone, I felt awkward, lonely and out of place. I’ll never hang out with non-believers again.
Two things:
1) Why is “non-believer” in quotes… as if it might not exist? If you don’t believe, then you are a non-believer. If you do believe, you’re a believer.
2) I was just kidding. I’ve had fun with non-Christians (both when I was one, and since then). I’ve also met some whose company I didn’t enjoy.
If you’re going to give up on meeting any of the people your spouse is getting to know because you had one bad experience, perhaps you aren’t being 100% reasonable.
My wife and I have made wonderful Christian friends. And wonderful non-Christian friends. And every now and then we end up somewhere where we feel like you are. Sometimes we find a better crowd, sometimes we take the time to get to know people, and it turns out they are great too! Perhaps the crowd you went with could have been more outgoing. Could you two have been more outgoing too? Conversations are funny, they are two-way vehicles.
(UNITED STATES) Kristine, sorry you are confused about God’s purpose for our lives. You really need to seek God and be still and listen, not to the thoughts in your head but what God puts in your heart! To belive in God and to be born again/saved are two different things and most people who make comments such as yours are probably just belivers and not born again.
I used to just be a believer, and I thought that since I was a good person and went to church every now and again with my husband etc, and belived in that Jesus was the son of God, etc. that I was going to heaven. Wrong… wrong… wrong. When I got born again my eyes were opened and I soooo felt the presence of the Lord in my heart and in my life and I could not shut up about Him. I couldn’t help but to worship Him. I wanted to and wanted to be apart of everything that Glorifies Him.
I used to only listen to gospel music when I was just a beliver, but now I listen to all kinds of Christian music. I have tried sharing my new found love for God with my husband but he is not ready… but he will go to church on Sundays as long as it’s early morning. But I still have hope and I’m still praying for his salvation.
God is good and faithful if you put your trust in Him. And because we are considered one in God’s eyes He does want us to worship together and to be honest. It should be the man leading his family to worship, not the other way around but because men’s hearts are hard, we women have to now live by example in hopes of drawing our hsubands near.
God bless all of you who are dealing with this issue just know that God is near and He hears and He knows the exact time and place when your husbands will be saved and most of the time it’s not in church, but a person or encounter that leads them to repent.
(USA) Kristine is right; our relationship with God IS a personal thing, just like our relationships with our husbands. It’s hard for others to understand just what is going on in a personal relationships, and quick to judge when we don’t know all the facts. But when we love someone privately, it tends to show publicly. If I enjoy being with my husband, talking with him, and sharing the nice things he’s done with others, it’s a good clue that I truly love him. If I say I love him, but don’t like spending time with him and am ashamed to talk about him with others, it’s probably a good clue that our relationship is not the healthiest.
Kristine said she wants a private relationship with God, but when you’re a true Christian, you need to have the willingness (and some desire) to meet publicly with other Christians, to talk about Christ and to spend time with Him in prayer. If she doesn’t want to do these things, her relationship with God may not be as healthy as she thinks. Joanne, USA
(CANADA) I am wondering if any of you born again folks have thought about how lonely it is for the non-believer in a marriage? Also, I often wonder if your husband kept taking you to a secular group that thought that Thor was the real Christ, if you would finally see things his way? No. So why do you feel that if you drag him along to church, he will finally see things your way? My guess is he will just become resentful…
(USA) Darren, I think about that ALL the time. My wife was born Catholic (I’m Jewish by birth). She was not very observant, and never went to church. We started going shortly after our second daughter was born, and I was saved just less than a year ago. She initially really enjoyed going to church, but has found every excuse lately, from not liking the people who watch the children if we check them in, to not wanting to go if we don’t check them in, since she can’t enjoy it.
I have been trying to serve the church, initially joining small groups, ultimately being pegged to lead a small group. I stopped doing that because it was “keeping me away from the family”. I tried helping with their photography ministry, but wasn’t finding it satisfying. I volunteered with their children’s ministry, and LOVED IT, but their was such a shortage of volunteers, and the kids need consistency, so it ended up being something I was doing all morning Sunday until about lunch time.
This truly was something I felt a calling to, and just last week I was on stage teaching the children’s service. This obviously requires a commitment, the church runs seven services a week, so to have 7 sets of volunteer teachers isn’t prudent, I would need to keep doing this Sunday morning. My wife has insisted I stop, suggesting if I really want to volunteer and be away from the kids, I can go to their early Sunday service. Obviously that leaves teaching out, although I suppose I could usher. I don’t mean to belittle any church ushers, it’s an extremely important thing to do, but it’s clear to me where I feel my calling is.
I realize it’s lonely, Darren. It’s hard on the other spouse too. I see other couples whose husbands play golf weekly, or have beer night with the guys all the time, or go back to college at nights, or do gardening for hours. For some reason, it feels like the hobbies would be okay, but the church isn’t.
Born Again Christians get sad, lonely and angry too.
(CANADA) Hi!
Christians and nonchristians have different behaviours.
If one spouse goes to church and follows the guidelines of christianity, they will be less inclined to flirt, go to bars, etc. If the other spouse does not go to church or read the bible, they are influence by secular culture. Unsaved friends can be bad influences on the relationship.
(USA) It’s important not to imply strong Christianity is required for morality. Yes, you’ll have better luck not getting into trouble with your fellow brothers and sisters, but that doesn’t mean that your non-believing friends aren’t “safe” to hang out with.
The balance I struggle to find, and where the enemy intercedes into my serving at church is when I do what so many of us do, and recede into a 100% Christian life. It’s wonderful to spend a large amount of time at church, and hang only with your church friends, and pray incessantly, and read the Bible and try to discuss it with everybody. I really enjoy all of that, but the impact on a non-practicing or non-believing spouse is isolation, loneliness, and when you screw up (and we all do), the inevitable feelings of “another hypocritical Christian”.
PS: My biggest role model in life did a pretty lousy job of isolating Himself to only strong believers and like minded individuals. You might say he spent his time on earth seeking out the lost. :) If you only hang with your church, you’ll never help grow the Church.
I was overwhelmed yesterday with people praying for my situation, and reminders from some close friends of mine that my wife wasn’t keeping me from serving, but rather the enemy was targeting me because of my success.
So two nights ago was a sleep on the couch night, and last night was a heart to heart about focusing my time on the thing that’s most important to me (helping children), and maybe stepping back from some of the other serving I did that doesn’t weigh on my heart as strongly. In return, we agreed that my wife doesn’t complain that I need to be home more for the children, I rather asked her to tell me to be home more for the family, which includes her, and is a big difference.
My wife may not believe that prayers are answered and God is this directly involved in my life, but that’s okay, because He will answer OUR prayers regardless.
But Evangeline, don’t hide from secular culture. They need Jesus more than you do right now… just make sure your the Hands and Feet, and not a drinking pal. :)
(USA) Thank you Darren. I agree. I’m the “non-believer” and recently attended a Chrisitan couple’s night. I never felt more lonely and out of place. I should never have accepted to go.
(AMERCIA) Hello, I truly believe what you are saying is true because God knows all things. All you have to do is, first do what God’s word says for you to do, then He will act at the right time. I really believe since you are the spiritual leader in the home now, it will make you a much stronger woman of God through what God is allowing you to go through.
(USA) I suffer the same situation, but you have to keep in mind that God promises that “our house will serve him.” You have to keep your faith strong, and as your husband sees that you know who you have believed in, he will start coming around. Stand your ground, and do not get discourage. Think that through you and your faith your husband will render his life to the Lord. =)
(USA) Amazing to see there are couples of different faiths having the same problems. It really tears your heart when you have faith in Christ and yet can’t share or talk about it with your spouse.
I’m what the world refers to as a Mormon (I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints). Originally I was raised Catholic and out of love & amp; respect for my parents remained so till I was able to marry – I felt by marrying someone not of our faith would be my only hope of leaving and finding a good Christian Church. My husband was raised a Methodist, but his family wasn’t very strong in their faith in Christ. Not sure they even ever prayed…
When my husband & amp; I moved a goodly distance from his church. We agreed that I would be allowed to search out the Christian churches near our new location, and so I did with a prayer in my heart to find a good little Christian Church that had more of the true teachings which I felt Christ taught while he was on the earth.
Well I did so, found a wonderful Corner House Christian Church! But during their service they announced that after their service they were going to show a tape “What to do when the Mormons knock at your door.” This hung on my heart and I couldn’t embrace this faith that would speak unkindly of others. I remained prayerful asking for the Lord’s help. My husband came across a set of missionaries while at the home of his parents during a lunch break from work (His parent’s dog gave them a fright, knocking the door off it’s hinges) They said they had a message to share.
My husband, feeling sorry for them invited them to our home the following Monday. They shared their message of the gospel of Jesus Christ and the things they shared filled my heart like no other message. I gained a feeling that what they shared was true, and followed the promptings of the Holy Spirit to be baptized. My husband during a turbulent time in our marriage decided he’d take the discussions for baptism – He too later became baptized. Yet his heart wasn’t in it.
He never grew spiritually in his Methodist faith so when he would feel the Spirit in our church it was foreign to him. He felt out of his comfort zone (doesn’t like to show emotion.) He has gone back to his Methodist faith.
Our children are now grown and strength in the Lord is a mix – Our daughter is a strong Mormon girl doing very well. Our oldest son was baptized and given the gift of the Holy Ghost, but later started attending church with his dad. All 3 boys are a bit weak in the faith of Christ but they are really good boys and do right. But they don’t attend church anymore. All are grown & amp; away from home and on their own.
My husband’s church is failing not enough members pay a tithing let alone a full tithe. And there is bickering when they deem the minister is not to their liking. I have gone to my Church faithfully for 22 years and over these years of feeling tossed up & amp; down with emotions of not feeling loved enough by my spouse to be at my side, the Lord has never left my side.
He has asked me to serve in several callings and though I feel unloved at times by family for leaving what I felt was their man-made doctrines ages ago, I’m ok! I’ve made it thus far, I can sometimes share things I learn with my spouse… sometimes he shares things with me.
I think honestly the Lord blesses a few of us with this challenge -knowing that we are the ones who are most likely to trust in Him and will do all we can to carry our spouses on our faithful shoulders if need be – We won’t give up -we will strive to be a good example and have them return to our Heavenly Father with honor.
Keep up the faith! Read the word of God, be prayerful in all things. The Lord will sustain us! It’s not about Religion – It’s about faith in Jesus Christ…
We all grow according to the effort we put forth some will be strong while some are yet weak. We must do all we can to strengthen ourselves so that we can lift others when they reach for help! Grow in Christ, thanks for your posts everyone! xo!
(AUSTRALIA) Brilliantly said. Very encouraging, especially your third last paragraph- “…the Lord blesses a few of us with this challenge…”
(USA) Thank you so much for your inspired words. I too am LDS and my spouse has decided it is not for him and is attending another denomination. I take your words to heart and will continue in faith and with steadfastness to teach my 2 young boys and lead my example. I appreciate you for and thank God for your courage to post your story.
(UNITED STATES) My wife and I attend different churches and I feel so alone. We are both born again, but she wants to call the shots. And I just dont feel right in the church she attends.
(U.S.) For 13 years I have been the spiritual leader in my household and have resented that fact this entire time. I either went to church alone, or dragged my husband along against his will most of the time. He was sometimes willing to go, but always picked the service apart in one aspect or another. He made every excuse imaginable, not to go, and he is a so-called born-again Christian.
I finally gave up on where to go, and realized this should be his decision, not mine. I had controlled where we went to church all these years, and thought if I gave him that choice and submitted to him (meaning willingly went wherever he wanted w/a good attitude) he would move into that spiritual head position more easily and be more willing to take his family to church each Sunday. I’m still hearing excuses.
I feel so done in this relationship. I don’t feel stong enough to continue on spritually alone. I get so tired of hearing other people give advice, when they have no idea how this feels. I am weary of struggling on and on over this. I am a full-time working mother of two, and don’t have the time or energy to stand strong. I study my Word every night and have been saved for 21 years and I am just plain worn out. What’s the point of being married if you are doing it alone?
(CANADA) The point of marriage?? So you’re saying you’re holding the whole marriage up alone JUST because your husband won’t go to church? The only thing that seems to be you’re doing alone IS going to church. So… does he tell you he loves you? Does he treat you well and hold you at night? Does he tell you he’s proud he is spending his life with you and that he’ll never deceive you like many women are deceived now a days?
If he is willing to do the dishes with a smile on his face when you ask or say “I love you too Dear,” then things are probably better than 99% of all other marriages. Him not going to church is not a big deal. Some people don’t like church. Some people believe Jesus was just a good man and a quasi con-artist. WHO cares… DONT BASE THE VALIDITY OF YOUR MARRIAGE ON IF HE WILL OR WILL NOT BE A CHRISTIAN.
(UNITED STATES) Sean, We don’t know (yet) if he does all those things for her. But those are works. I don’t belittle works… they are tremendously important! But when we discuss the Christian life, we have to discuss the fact that we are not justified by works. We are justified by God’s grace through our faith. Faith without works may be dead (see James 2:14-26), but works alone are also dead.
Now Scarlett should be tired of being the spiritual leader in her house… it’s not even supposed to be her job role! If she is unequally yoked, no matter how GOOD of a person he is or is not… as a Christian, she faces trials in her life. 2 Corinthians 6:14 – Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?
I wouldn’t call for her to flee, in fact, that’s unjustified, and not permissible in this case -she is not stuck with an adulterer, nor is she abandoned by a non-believer. But I wouldn’t counsel her to ignore the situation either!
Someone recently emailed me Ecclesiastes 7:15-29 suggesting it might make for an interesting sermon. I agree. I find it pertinent here too, as you argue that a good man might outweigh the need for a Christian man in a marriage. Considering the narrowness of the path, and the penalty of sin, I cannot agree. You also may not be considering the upside of a marriage between two equally yoked believers in Christ. Those fruits are beyond compare!
(USA) I can really relate to Scarlett. My husband used to be so involved in church… singing in the choir, leading the youth, was a deacon, and helped in every way imaginable there. We had such a different marriage then. We were much happier, looking back on it now. About 5 years ago, he just stopped going. It coincided with him taking a new job (which does require a lot more travel) and we moved to a different town. His fire has totally gone out and it has truly affected our marriage as well (no surprise there!).
I faithfully take my 16 year old son (who has been in church literally since the week he was born), but it isn’t easy. I get so sad when I look around and see husbands with their wives (like it used to be for me) and it makes me mad at the same time. He knows how I feel about it, but never makes any move to go back. I just don’t know what to do sometimes. I have found myself dreading Sundays because I spend the whole day mostly in tears at how this has affected us.
(UNITED STATES) My problem is totally different. My husband and I have been married for almost 13 years. He has a problem with me attending church with him. I was very attracted to him because he is a Christian man. I really don’t understand why he has a problem with me attending church with him. Every weekend is a issue. I don’t know any Christian woman who does not want a Christian husband. Please tell me why my Christian husband does not want to worship with me at all? Is this ok?
(USA) Mechelle, I assume you’ve asked him why he has this issue, although you don’t say. It would be great to know what his stated reasons was, but assuming you haven’t asked him yet… do so!
See Matthew 18:15-20 – your first step is to try to resolve the issue. Your second step is not to lose hope, and bring another Christian to the table. He wants to be at church, you long to be there with him. I would certainly call up the church and talk to one of the Pastors.
(USA) I go to church, taking our kids with me, but my wife does not. She struggles badly with depression and anxiety and has been struggling with some other issues, too. I have to admit, it gets pretty tiring. There are unmet expectations, for sure. It is also difficult to not let the enemy pry in there with envy, looking at the dynamic other families seem to have where husband and wife seem so unified and joyful and zealous for contributing to the body of Christ and building the spiritual health and legacy of their family. For me, it is something I have to do largely on my own, right now.
How do I deal with this, including the unmet expectations? Well, it varies from day-to-day and week-to-week. I realize that leading means I know where I’m going, I have a vision. So I can’t let her (hopefully temporary) stand-still drag me down. I have to keep going back to Jesus and asking for strength to run the race I am on while still praying like mad for my wife and seeking to keep my vision alive for the spiritual health and unity of our entire family. I can’t quit. I need to press on. I want to sometimes.. sometimes I don’t go because I’m just discouraged. But then someone or something encourages me, even her sometimes. It isn’t something I can do on my own, admittedly, but I don’t want to merely “endure” it. I think the Lord calls me to more than that. But again, to lead I cannot be overly concerned (to the point where I am knocked off course) about if or how or when people are following. I need to know where I’m headed and follow the Lord there.
I also pray for Jesus to be shown in me and that whatever obstacles or demonic opposition would be removed. I pray that I would not make matters worse for my wife by pressuring her, either explicitly or implicitly with manipulation and guilt and somber moods and pouting.
So, in summary, I guess I just keep running back to Jesus and prayerfully press on toward the goal of my calling while trying in the Lord to be there as an encouragement who exemplifies the love of Jesus while maintaining hope. It does get me down, though, but He keeps picking me back up.
(UNITED STATES) I am in a strange, but not so strange, situation. My husband and I are both believers in the faith. My husband is an associate pastor and I am an exhorter in a C.M.E church. My husband was born and raised inside this one church and I have been a member there for 11 years. However, I feel a pull to go higher in worship in which I feel that our current church is not giving me. Our church also changes pastors every year, which makes it that much harder to stay each year. My husband and I have small children and it is hard on them too.
I find myself getting angry at my husband because he knows that it is time to leave, yet he doesn’t want to leave the church because of his position and the church is hurting because of the change of the pastor. I don’t want to be there so I refuse to do anything, if I have to stay. What should I do? Should I go or stay?
(UK) Stay. Your husband is your spiritual head, Christ leads your family through him. It may be tough to stick it out, and by all means pray that God’s will is done, even appeal to him after much prayer, if it is what the Lord leads you to do, but do it respectfully. Don’t keep on about it though; we can win our husbands over with out a word if need be, if we submit to God and him.
By the way I am in a similar situation in some respects. We rarely go to any formal church meeting. But I find fellowship where and when I’m able, with Christain friends and family members, and sometimes my husband decides to take us to a house fellowship, we can’t always go as it’s on quite late for the children and sometimes he has to work late.
(USA) This is an unbelievably interesting topic. I thought I was the only one in the universe whose spouse of 34 years, did not attend church until I stumbled on this discussion board. For 34 years I’ve been going to church, alone. I raised my boys in the church, alone. I prayed for my kids, alone. I sat in pews, Sunday after Sunday, alone. I watched in envy as couples gathered in the foyer after church and on the church mall talking, planning get togethers with other couples. I walked past them Sunday after Sunday, towing my two boys, alone.
Once I decided to attend Sunday school. Someone said I should. Not to worry, I would be welcome. That was a bad idea. I was asked to move down because I had created an uneven chair situation and another couple wanted to sit by their friends. I didn’t go back. I was told by the Sunday school director that I couldn’t teach Sunday school that I should be home with my husband. Hmm. I joined the Women’s Bible Study. It was hard to make friends because they already had friends from the couples group. 34 years and I’m still going to church, alone.
(AUST) Hang in there God is faithful, he has a plan. You have a lot to give and you and your husband are blessed. Everyone has their journey and yours is amazing. It may not look or feel like that at times but have faith, faith is the key. Bask in God’s presence; keep seeking his face. His favour and blessing will poured out over you life and the best is yet to come!
(USA) I am a wife who has been married for 29 years. My husband introduced me to Jesus Christ. I became a Christian and was committed to attending Sunday church service, mid-week Bible study and joined one of our church ministries. To date, my husband does not attend church and has not attended church for well over 20 years. He watches church on t.v.
We have grown to a place of being unequally yoked. He does not appear to desire spiritual things. He does not read the Bible at home and does not socialize with other Christians. He is heavily engaged in pornography, he curses and has an anger management problem. We live in a relationship where we share 1/2 on finances (house, utilities and etc.). If he spends $10 more than me he states that I am trying to take advantage of him and he has to pick up for my slack.
He is so unlearned when it comes to spiritual principles that governs a Christian marriage. Yet, he thinks that the problem is my not submitting to his every whim which 99% of the time benefits him and not me. In my conclusion, I feel that it is essential for couples to be equally yoked in their faith. In addition, if one does not attend school, he or she cannot be properly educated in the cognitive arena. Therefore, if one names themself a Christian, but fails to be responsible to the verse “Fail Not to Assemble Yourselves Together”, they have begun to write their own religion and from that carnal selfish nature will not be able to love out of the spectrum which we are asked to love according to I Cor. 13.
This Love can only come when we surrender to the Holy Spirit and allow his love to be birthed in us. Therefore, without love our religion is in vain. A person in this relationship who desires to remain in it must learn to give themself to prayer and basking in the presence in the almighty God.
(USA) I completely understand what you’re going through. I’ve only been married for 7 years. I’m cradle Catholic and she’s Jewish. At first it didn’t seem too big of an issue, then shortly after being married we moved into a house and I felt that I needed to belong the local parish and establish our roots there, just like my parents did. At first she went occasionally with me, like every other month, then just Christmas and Easter, and after her first Easter Vigil she said “not again, it’s too long.”
Again, it didn’t really bother me until about a year ago when my Dad passed. At that point I had my awakening and realized I wanted my (future) kids to be Catholic and just how important my faith was to me. Back in mid-January I explained how I wanted my church-going experience to be something we could do together (seriously, how many husbands genuinely say they want to do things together?) and how detached I felt going alone. She said a better effort would be made to go with me.
Here we are, beginning of March and she still hasn’t gone with me. This morning I went to 7:30 am Mass and saw all the elderly couples. I came home and was up front and said “Will I be 80 and still going alone? I’m 34. That’s 46 years of going by myself. I ‘cannot’ go alone for that long.”
That said, I have nothing but admiration for you going for 34 years. I can honestly say I have no idea how you do it nor can I say that I’ll be able to do it. We love each other very, very much. However, I’m also beginning to understand that you can love someone with all of your heart but still want different things. Anyway, she committed this morning to go with me at least once a month. Of course I said “I definitely like the word commit more than effort,” but we’ll see how it goes.
All of that said it is very relieving to see others that have this problem.
(USA) John, I’m also 34 (well, for a few weeks at least), and married about 5 years. I’m born Jewish, and married to a cradle Catholic as well. I’m somewhat the reverse of you, in that I’m a Jew-come-Christian, and my wife is the one who doesn’t like going to church anymore, but there are some parallels no doubt that perhaps can be helpful to you.
I would like to challenge your motivation. I go to church alone, so believe me, I understand the loneliness that entails. I serve in the church, and preach to the children, so it’s doubly awkward being essentially the only person in my children’s ministry who is not single, but doesn’t attend weekly with a spouse. I’ve never prayed on that, once, however.
I “NEED” my wife to rededicate her life to following Christ, and need to see my 4 year old continue her walk, because I FEAR for their souls, and PRAY that they should also be in heaven, with eternal life. I believe with fervor in Matthew 7:13-14, which I’ll quote from NASB not knowing which translation your church favors: Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and there are many who enter through it. For the gate is small and the way is narrow that leads to life, and there are few who find it.
As a Jewish convert, I POURED over EVERY shred of the bible, searching for hope for the unsaved, since as you can imagine I have many Jewish relatives, some quite elderly. My challenge for you, is to consider two points:
1) What is your motivation for wanting your wife to be a part of your church going activity. Is it for your comfort, or for fear for her soul, that you NEED her to hear the Good News, such that she might have her heart softened, accept Christ and avoid an eternal suffering? I’m not saying I don’t believe you feel this way, but it wasn’t evident in your posting.
2) Is there something specific to a Catholic church that ADDS to her discomfort, or lack of desire to attend? For me, there was. Before I understood much in the way of Christianity, it was the concept of the Pope, the extreme ritualistic service, a seemingly universal monotone delivery of the same prayers week in and week out with an uninspired sermon (I could stay in a Synagogue if I wanted that). The tendency to shut down questions, with the answer of reminding people what they should believe, because the church said so. I hope nobody takes offense to any of this, it’s a recollection of my specific observances as a Jew (at the time), and is no doubt relative to the 2 churches I tried locally.
In my case, God led my way to a “megachurch”, a massive building that sees at least 1,000 people per service, for a total of well over 10,000 per week when counting their other locations. While I still CRINGED to hear the words “Jesus Christ” uttered, this place, with the friendly parking attendants, the free Starbucks coffee in the lobby, ushers who went out of their way to say hi and remembered you the next week, the loud, talented rock band who unless you listen to the lyrics just played real cool music, and the passionate Pastor who dripped and sweated with pure, raw emotion and genuine love for the message he was delivering just seemed so different, that I was at ease enough to LISTEN to what was being said.
In my case, I had too many questions, and needed more, so I got to know one of their staff pastors, asked a MILLION questions (some quite horrible, actually – I regret some of the things I said), and ultimately attended a seminary class they hosted, all in my exploration. I’m very analytical, your wife might have a different need to get to know Christ… but ultimately, she should know Christ first, then worry about what traditions are comforting to you.
Have you thought about trying a different style of worship service, sort of a neutral, third party church? Also, does she attend Temple, and if so, do you accompany her?
(USA) I have been in a relationship with my husband for 34 years, and have been married for 24 of those years. I have done what the Lord said and followed my husband to church. Well, I was raised up Baptist while he was raised C.O.G.I.C. The problem I’m having, is this is an entire family church. Everyone there is related and when I say related, I mean RELATED.
Here’s the problem, I have tried to work in the church but it has not worked out. When you are told we don’t need any outsiders coming in changing things, that hurts to the bottom of your heart. You are told where to sit in church, you have to almost fight because the cousins are so messy and don’t want you with their cousin and so much anymore. I can’t name them all right now.
I go to church Sunday after Sunday and I’m not getting anything out of it, but a mess. My daughter and I have decided to attend another church lately. I have enjoyed it so much and my daughter is so happy. When I can get my daughter and my grandson excited about the Lord, that is truly a blessing.
Well, my husband has such a nasty attitude when I don’t come to church, but I’m at church. He’s supposed to be a Christian and a Deacon but has a bad attitude with me. He stops talking to me for days. This is not how I want to go on. He tells me all I have to do is come there and just sit.
Well, I think I have sat long enough. God is not pleased with me just sitting. He’s in his comfort zone with his family and I don’t knock him for that. But they were raised to congregate with each other all their lives, no outside life.
When he gets home from church (he’s there all day), he talks on the phone about everybody and the mess that’s going on at their church. He doesn’t talk to me. I’m so tired of that. That’s why I feel the need to go on with my child to where we can get the word, be involved and have peace of mind. I just pray he will understand how I feel. I’m a true believer in God and have believed since a little girl. Can someone help me out with this matter?
(USA) Has it been worth it? I am in a similar situation. I want to give up and throw in the towel. I am teaching my sons about Jesus alone, and going to church alone. My husband is also professing Christian. When I tell my sons they need to go to church with me, they get their Dad on their side and he tells them they don’t have to go. Guess who loses? Their Dad is supposed to set the male example, but how can he if he’s not serving The Lord like he’s supposed to? I feel so discouraged and it’s only been 15 years for me. Is this really worth sticking it out? Did your sons turn out okay and serving the Lord?
(USA) I am so glad I found this board. It is so helpful to read the encouraging words of others that are going through this same situation. For years I have gone to church alone while my husband sleeps in, goes to the gym or watches TV. I too am raising my kids in the church alone. Thankfully, I go to a very large church so it is easier to blend in. I think that most people assume that I’m either divorced, a widow or a military spouse. I’ve gotten used to going to church alone on Sundays.
However, it is very easy to let the enemy in and secretly envy those loving couples that sit close together (often with his arm around her), pray together and worship the Lord as a couple. The most difficult thing for me is the home small group worship. At my church, these groups are typically couples or singles (not married)… where do I fit in??? I opted to join the women’s Bible study group instead and I’ve been pretty happy with that. Even there I’m subject to hearing about all the wonderful Christian husbands that attend church with these ladies.
Although it is hard, I encourage myself to continue strengthening my walk with God by focusing on his word and not my situation. It is not easy but I have no other choice. The greatest difficulty for me has been raising my children in the church without their dad. As my oldest is now in elementary school he is starting to question why his dad doesn’t go to church. Not to mention that my husband doesn’t see why we can’t skip a week to go ‘hang out’ and argues with me about this in front of the kids. He also doesn’t understand why we need to do the ‘optional stuff’ like AWANA and women’s Bible study.
Finally, today when I asked him to go to Christmas Eve service he said if he was ever to go to church he will go to his own church and not ours because he ‘didn’t have a say in where we go’ (this is coming from someone who has never stepped foot in a church in the 12 years I have known him). He refuses to even give ‘our church’ a try. Although I have continually prayed for him to come around and be saved, I have come to complete tears over this one. I must say it was very difficult not to break out into tears at Christmas Eve service tonight. Please pray for us. Merry Christmas and God Bless.
(USA) How do you deal with husband is an asst pastor and he has had inappropriate relationships with some church members? When I found out again, which this is the sixth time, this time I just do not want to go back. I was involved heavily like my husband within the ministry so I do miss it. I haven’t been back in a month because I’m recuperating from surgery. He says he won’t do it anymore but he has said that many and every time.
We have been together for 25 years and he’s always stating that it is him but that he knows he will stop and get delivered. He tells me I should go back to church because of my mission work and that he’s sorry but it’s getting harder and harder for me. Our children also work within the ministry and go to the same church. I just don’t know and I have prayed. I pray every day.
(USA) I have been married for 20 years and in the past year my husband has been attending this little church and gives so much of his time to the church it has caused a friction in our marriage. He spends a large amount of his time volunteering with a “family” in the church and I keep asking him to stop. He continues because he indicates that he made a deal with God to continue to help them.
I was attending another church but I have been feeling negative about all churches due to our marriage problems. Sundays he is gone from home 9am to 7pm to attend church services, Bible studies and volunteering at a local nursing home with the church. He so very happy – but I am not. I keep asking myself if I even want to stay in this marriage. I feel so evil with how I feel about my husband spending too much time from home for church, church members and feel as though he does not spend valuable time with me and our grown daughter/son in law. I don’t feel he is the same husband I married.
(USA) Well, according to The Word the spouse comes BEFORE the church in ANY aspect. He is not living the Word in this case. Would it be worth it to him to lose his wife over his serving in the church? Let others take up the slack. What did they do before your husband came on board?
He can have a balanced life in his marriage and the church, but he has to cut waaaaay back. You should come before the church. Not before his spiritual walk with Christ, but before the church and the church family. What about his own family? If you’ve tried to talk to him but he’s not listening, tell him how severe things are getting and make him listen to you! Most of all, pray HARD before you bring this up. Ask for guidence and faith. Hang in there!!!
(USA) Robin, I hope you don’t take my comments the wrong way, because I don’t want you to think I’m placing any blame on you, nor disputing ANYTHING you say.
Having that out of the way… I see what he’s doing, but what are you doing? Where are you spiritually? Do you attend regularly? Have you considered serving a little, to see what it’s like? Have you gotten to know any of the new friends he’s made? Probably they are mostly couples, anyway.
How about making plans? Not sure how you guys are financially, but what if you booked a little getaway weekend and surprised him?
If his church is like mine, and you really can’t work this out, I would reach out to whomever coordinates his volunteer activities. In my church, you’d be required to scale back (or eliminate temporarily) your serving if it’s affecting your married life.
One thing you have to be sure of, though, is not to challenge his faith… embrace the faith, and work out the rest.
(USA) Scott – I was attending church regularly and even some Bible studies. I have slacked from going to church every Sunday – but do still attend. Here’s the situation -my husband (I believe) is going way too far with volunteering and assisting one family in his church. They are a family illegally from Mexico -therefore they struggle financially.
He finds work for the step dad and gives transporation for the 4 kids to church, work, from soccer and other activities. The kids call him everyday about something. I don’t even know my husband anymore -he has become so obsessed with this family. I have joined him and the family in activities. I feel that the parents need to step up to the plate and take care of their children, they are not our responsiblity.
My husband states he made a promise to God to make sure these kids do not quit going to church. The parents started attending another church that has Spanish sermons, but the kids want to remain in my husband’s church. I would attend his church -but they are very, very traditional and honestly I just can’t be around those kids -it’s like they think my husband is their “family” and I fell like an outcast. Robin
(USA) Robin, I’m glad you’re still attending, which is to say I’m glad you are successfully separating your faith, with the problems that your husband’s church life are creating in your house. Believe it or not, I envy your situation! My wife no longer attends, and now admits to being more agnostic than anything. At least you both have strong faith to fall back on! I’m not sure she’d use the word agnostic, but she admits her definition of Christianity doesn’t include things like unsaved individuals going to hell even if they did good works, so she’s certainly not compatible with an evangelical Protestant church’s ethos.
Does he serve beyond this family? In other words, does he go to church once a week, plus provide stewardship over these children AND do other things (lead a Bible study, attend a Bible study, usher, park cars, whatever?)
In my struggle, I dropped any activity outside of out Children’s Ministry, including not attending a weekly seminary class, not helping out with our photography ministries, abandoning plans to start a small group dedicated to skeptics and non-believers, and many other things I committed to. It’s not because I didn’t enjoy any of those things, but I honestly feel CALLED BY GOD towards our children’s ministry, both in helping develop the weekly services, as well as teaching on stage on a regular rotation. To me, it’s God first, Wife second, Church third, everything else last, which made it easy to drop most of those commitments. Seminary class: was for me mostly. Photography: something I enjoyed. Leading a small group: something I would have enjoyed, but mostly the church wanted me to do because of my background. Children’s Teaching: I feel God has told me to do this. Finding more time on the weekends to be with my wife: God has also instructed me to do this. :)
I would point out that there is a HUGE difference between promising God to see these kids don’t stop going to church, and feeling that God has told you to drive these kids to church. There HAS to be other people who can step in to a car pool rotation with the kids.
I realize that part of their willingness to go might be because your husband acts as a surrogate father, with soccer practice, work, etc, but if going to church is their way to reward him for serving them, there’s a real question of what they are getting out of church. They need to hear the Word, for sure, but they also need to go to church SOLELY because of their Christian beliefs. I would hate for them to stop going because of that, either, since His word will NOT return void, which is to say that I believe if they go long enough, and hear the Gospel, their hearts would soften towards it anyway (which is why I’m desperate for my wife to return to church with me), but there’s got to be some middleground where you test the waters with a little bit of cutting the cord.
Is there someone he’s close with at church that could take the kids sometimes? Is there someone with as big a heart towards children as your husband that might occasionally take them to soccer practice? I hate to suggest this one, but is there a bus to get them to work sometimes?
Have you given any thought to my suggestion to drop everything, book a hotel, and take your husband away for the weekend? It will force you two to have some close, intimate time together that you clearly need, and force him to find a temporary solution to what cannot be a long term solution, unless you guys are moved towards being foster parents and their own parents are ready to abandon them completely. Heck, those parents need to be confronted as well. They MUST step up and take responsibility for the children THEY chose to bring into the world. But if they are unwilling, you can’t just let those kids souls and hearts rot and wither. Who ELSE can help with some of this responsibility?
Tell your husband to start praying for those answers, and remind him he promised God to see these children stay on the narrow path… not that he promised God to do all the work himself. You can’t do it yourself, but you can be obedient to God and see his will done on earth. If your husband tries to do this on his own, he isn’t being faithful to God’s teachings, and will fail at something, possibly everything as relates to both you and this family.
I maintain that you guys need pastoral care, mostly because I think he’d respond best to a pastor’s counseling, as opposed to a secular counselor. Perhaps you’d be willing to dip your feet in the water before leaping in… find a church LIKE his (similar ethos, similar worship style: end result: similar pastors working there) and call them up, get some time to talk to a pastor in person or on the phone. Run through the situation, and see what their advice is. You might be surprised – pastors don’t always just err on the side of taking the one who serves the most and siding with that person.
And be creative… maybe rather than serve families of immigrants, your husband could find the energy and time to start a bus ministry in your church, and maybe a year from now dozens of children make their way to church because of it.
I’m sorry this forum is anonymous by nature, since in my mind, I would love to find a bunch of like minded couples like your relationship and my wife and my own. I can’t think of a better “small group” to attend then to sit in the room with a bunch of people who think like me, and an equal number of people who think like you and my wife, and find that common ground. On the other hand, you guys are probably so far away from me geographically, that it wouldn’t much matter. :) But think about talking to a pastor from another church and just seeing where some professionals stand.
I was very surprised as a 15 year old, watching my parents going through an EXTREMELY messy divorce, and feeling the brunt of a mother who had SO MUCH anger and hostility towards men, being forced to go to counseling after I snapped one day and almost broke the nose of her boyfriend’s kid (in my defense, I had anger issues too, and he was sleeping in a bed while I was sleeping on an old sofa bed in the house). One of the big fights I used to have with my mom (verbal, I’ve only ever thrown just that one punch, which I regret sorely) was over my habit of falling asleep with the TV on in my room, and staying up late to watch Johnny Carson. Week after week this kept coming up in counseling, and the counselor finally asked if I would consent to bringing in my mom (she waited in the lobby while I spoke privately to this counselor, since no doubt she didn’t feel she needed any help :) – to my surprise, the guy told my mom that if I was keeping my grades up, getting up on time for school, and going through a lot emotionally, that was it really worth fighting about? In an extremely rare, unprecedented, never yet repeated moment… my mother backed down and took the advice! My point is, you might be surprised as to who will end up being on your side.
(USA) Scott, Not knowing the age of your wife, but in my experience and approaching the menopause age, which has brought me to the “mid life crises” stage of my life, I believe us women get to a stage –we look in the mirror and say “my life is blah!” We look at church, our husbands and blame them for HOW we feel. Not sure if your wife (I do this) feels like an outcast at church, because we stop going because it makes us uncomfortable – then we say – “Is there a GOD? …If so why am I so sad… why is there bad things in my life?” Do you think your wife is going through this? Or like me – I have become negative with church due to my husband spending SO much time with church and others from his church. It’s like I am last on his list now.
Question – why have you put your ministries on hold? Is it because your wife is not by your side on this? See, I worry about interfering with my husband’s church activities because if he did stop – and he was sad and lost his relationship with God – I would hate myself. For twenty years we would go to church a couple times a month… but we were never content with any church, especially my husband. Basically we were church slackers, but this was the man I married and we spent a lot of time together. Now that he has found this new church – it’s like I never see him, and when we are together we are strangers. I will say that I am very glad my husband has found a church home and has a close relationship with God, I just need to get a closer relationship with God and maybe I will see things differently.
Yes he does serve in his church –nursing home ministries (weekly), serving communion, ending prayer at the Sunday service, leading the songs, helped with a low budget Christian film, previously did a Bible study for 6 months (other than Sunday/Wednesday), door knocking, luncheons, put up tents for teenagers day camp, AND helping this family. Scott get this – this is only the past year… all of this. Wow! Typing all that made me realize how involved he really is. I told him that when I married him, I did not intend to be like a pastor’s wife. I am not that kind of women. I’m not saying I’m bad – I’m not the prim and proper kind of person.
Yes, he would be a stewardship for these kids. Other people in his church to help out with transportation? Let’s just say this –it’s a congregation of about 75 people and I believe someone should offer to give them transportation. Thing is, there are 3 full grown teenagers, twin 17 year old girls, 14 boy and one 5 year old girl. You’d have to have a larger vehicle to include all the kids and your own family.
I also might add, before this immigrant family, there was a homeless lady with three kids he was taking to church twice a week, getting clothes, and books for them. I had put my foot down and told him that it was inappropriate for a married man traveling with a single woman and her children and asked why aren’t other people in the church helping out? I was very angry and said I was leaving him if it didn’t stop. He explained this to his pastor that others needed to help and that I was uncomfortable about the situation. No one in the church picked her up and they quit attending his church.
Your suggestion of a getaway week end really sounds good. We do need some quality time together away from the home chores and television. Foster parents that would be a no for me. Why? We only have one child due to my lack of self esteem on being a good mother. I was a good mother, but I always was questioning myself.
Do you think it would be wrong for me to go behind my husband’s back and talk to the parents of these children? If he found out he would be so mad at me. The bus ministry –he was really thinking about doing this. The church cannot afford this.
(USA) Robin, I don’t think my wife is in a blah stage, or a mid life stage for that matter (we’re mid 30’s, with two small children at home). I think she no longer goes because she feels it’s taking time (that was for her) away from her. I have no doubt if we showed up once a week, sat down for 90 minutes, went out to lunch, and then went about our old secular lives, that she’d still go weekly, and enjoy our Lead Pastors message, but then that’s not where I am. Nor do I think that people who merely do that are really living Christian lives or following Christ.
I have not put my ministry on hold, though to your point, I have taken a long look at what was upsetting my wife, and what I was doing. I prayed on it for an unbelievably short amount of time, because the answer was immediately revealed to me (oh if it only went that way all the time!). I realized that contrary to what I would have believed, my passion comes out most when I’m with children. My shyness about public speaking disappeared. I’m able to sing and dance a bit. I realized that sometimes when I’m preparing to speak in front of someone, I’ll have this beautifully crafted message (in my mind) and this somewhat decent thing spills out verbally. When I’m around children, I find even more beautiful things in my mind, and they largely come right out in something that no one can attribute to anybody other than the Holy Spirit’s assistance.
I realized in thinking back to some conversations I’ve had with some of the parents and the children themselves that I was seeing lives touched and changed.
But I also realized that I couldn’t balance my life at home by doing that, and 5 other things, so I took a strong look into my life, and realized that:
1) Photography as a hobby or a church hobby can take a back seat. It was fun, but not imperative or important.
2) I can read more at night, since my wife falls asleep before me anyway. All I had to give up was some time in front of the TV that quite frankly, I was enjoying less and less anyway.
3) I can pray silently before a meal, and stop trying to annoy her secular family by making a big production out of something that wasn’t in their hearts to do.
4) I can stop trying to remove ANOTHER night from her with a small group, and convert one of our working nights in the ministry to a small group. This has had an IMMENSE benefit to everyone. We even get new ideas coming in from people that weren’t formally part of our lesson development process, and we have engaged our volunteers and leaders in a bible study and fellowship night.
5) I can put some seminary studies on hold. There is a real benefit to studying to be a children’s pastor for sure, but for right now the Spirit is guiding me, and God is reminding me to be home a little too. My young ones won’t ALWAYS be young, and there will be more free time one day.
I suspect that your husband might benefit from the same thought process. You mentioned you did not to intend to be like a pastor’s wife. My wife also did not, nor for that matter did I expect to be doing many of the things a pastor does. But I realize that my life change is not automatically her life change. And as such balance is required.
PS: Pastors may tend to have wives more involved at church, but they still need to find balance. Our lead pastor no longer hosts small groups. He no longer does a lot of things, and feels isolated sometimes from our member base.
Our church has exploded over the last 10 years into a multi-campus church, with five physical campuses plus an Internet one, and about 15,000 attending weekly, with 7000-8000 in the main campus where I serve. He had to remove himself from certain things, who am I to expect him to be able to “do it all”?
By the way I didn’t mean you should be foster parents, I meant you should consider how much time is spent with kids, in light of the fact that you aren’t their foster parents, and their parents aren’t legally relinquishing their rights. Confronting the parents may not be ideal, as they could potentially lash back by way of keeping the children from church.
I don’t particularly care (no offense intended) if anyone in your church has a large van or SUV, nor if there’s money for a bus ministry. What should be done, is that they should lift up your husband in prayer, and give a little of their own time to share in the duties of keeping these kids on the narrow path. Even if it’s hard.
Bus ministry? No church has money for that initially. That’s a job for increased donations. Unless all of your parishioners tithe their 10% every year, chances are there’s some extra giving that could be done. This shouldn’t even be done for these children, rather it should be done for you and your husband, who have clearly been stretched thin by this massive undertaking. His brothers in Christ should intervene to help, but they may not realize it’s needed, and that’s where you (and he) would have to speak out.
The REAL question I have for you, and it might be a tough one. Is your husband not reducing the time spent away from you because he feels he CAN’T stop? Since things would be left undone, or is he enjoying it, and dosen’t want to give any of it up? In other words, is this his golf game, and he just wants to play golf every day with his buddies? Or is he worried that nobody else will lead a small group? Or that nobody else will get these kids to church etc, etc.
If it’s the latter, engage the church to help and trust in Christ to provide for His people. If it’s the former, seek better counseling then me. As he is overlooking the needs of a Christian who he has been tasked first and foremost with providing for. By way of the commitment he made to you when you guys married each other. I don’t mean that as a criticism to him, just as something to realize and correct.
(USA) Scott – You are called by God -and I believe I found this web site not by mistake, but a blessing of God. You should be a Christian counselor. You have said things that has made me realize things and why my husband is doing what he is doing. Not that I agree with it -but why he does it. Asking others in his church to help with this kids is a fantastic idea, and have mentioned this to him. I’m thinking why my husband has not asked for help with this, is he has complained that others in the church don’t volunteer for things if it is out of their norm. Plus with the kids parents being illegal and the language barrier makes the situation more sensitive. But hey my husband cannot speak spanish and he comminicates with them.
When you talked about your passion coming out most when you’re with children, I believe this is the same as my husband. He is sort of shy -but he feels appreciated with children -you know? Even the kids in our neighborhood love him -he just connects with kids. I think kids know this -they can sense it. When he is being a Christian mentor for these kids -his meaning in life is good and is working for God. I just pray that he could do more of this for our adult daughter and her husband. I guess he thinks since they are adults they have their own destiny. As you probably have noticed -I still have a bond with my daughter -but I love her so much!
And by the way -my husband married me 20 years ago and I had a 5 year old little girl -and he was a great father -God blessed me. I bet you are a great father -and your family is blessed. You have been a blessing from God writing your thoughts.
(USA) Thank you Robin, although we all have our God-given calling. I look forward to hearing an update from you. I know you have some praying to do, and some conversations with your husband and your churchmates to have. God wants these children looked after… just as much as He wants your marriage taken care of. Prayer will find the balance. :)
PLEASE keep in touch. I subscribed to this page, so I’ll be waiting to hear from you!
In the mean time, know that you are a part of my daily prayers, and when you get a chance, say a quick prayer for me and my wife to also maintain our balance!
Lord, I just come to you on behalf of Robin and her husband. I know that you are looking out for ALL of your children, and I know her husband is your hands and feet in his community. I ask that you help Robin and her family find that balance that we all need to have between our responsibilities to you, foremost, as well as to our families, church and community (in that order). Life up their church, Lord, and find new leaders and volunteers for them to continue to do Your work. We love you, and thank you, and pray in your Son’s holy name, Amen!
(USA) I two have issues with my husband. He was born into the Catholic Faith. I am of the Baptist faith. After years of me praying and going to church without him he finally submitted and went with me. The Spirit began dealing with him and he accepted Christ and was baptized. All was good for about 60 days. I have no idea what happened to him but he went right back to the way he was before accepting Christ. Didn’t want to go to church, always with an excuse. The church we were attending had lots of issues and I felt that might be the problem so I prayed for the Lord to lead us to a new church. He answered my prayers. We now attend a wonderful church with true beleivers and true Christians.The only problem is I and my two boys made the move BUT not my husband. He will not attend Sunday School, Wed. night sevices or any church events or activities. An occasional Sun. night, maybe.
I witness to him, read to him scriptures out of the Bible. He replies that he can worship just fine at home, doesn’t like crowds and won’t get himself involved with any of the church functions. That’s what I like, not what he likes to do.
You know what I have to say to that: When you accept Christ you have elected to serve him as your risen Savior. He died on the cross for us, bled and suffered for us. WHY? Because he loved us. God sent his SON to die for us, even before we were born. How could you not want to serve him? Going to church is a learning experience. How are you going to learn more if you don’t attend church? If thinking you will worship God when it’s convenient for you, well, let me let you in on a secret, it’s not your time anymore. If you are truly saved and won’t heed the signs and warnings of the Lord he will whip your behind in lots of ways. You committed to serve him when you accepted Christ. You should “want to” stand with other Christians. If we all would just get fired up about Jesus we could witness and show other non-beleivers how to become saved. Heaven is going to be a wonderful place.
The devil comes in many forms and we have to keep our guard up. Using the sheild of Jesus is the only way to overcome satan. He should never walk in front of you or beside you. Walking miles behind you is where he should be today and forever. The Lord walks with me and carries me through all my hardships. He never said seving him was going to be a bed of roses. But you know what that’s ok too. My reward is in Heaven with my Savior and God is better to me than any reward here on the is earth.
I am struggling with my marriage, hoping to save it. Living with such a head strong man is difficult. He does not want to let go of the world, doesn’t feel he has a problem. The church scene is not what he wants right now. He’ll go when HE gets ready. That’s his motto. I ask for prayer from my Christian brothers and sisters that read this. Pray for my familiy as we struggle with our issues. My teenage sons are torn up about all this confusion. They love the Lord as I do. They too wish their Dad would take part.
A word of love to all you men and women out there. The eyes of innocent children lay on our shoulders. They mimic our lives. When they become adults their lives reflect on the lives we raised them in. Think about that for just a second. Don’t we all want what’s best for our children? What could be better than accepting Christ as their Savior and living each day for the Lord? We all will sin but Jesus will always love us back in. Thank you for listening. God Bless