Please answer this question by leaving a comment below
(To see previous questions, visit our archive)
This is a simple question posed, for a very important reason. The reason we pose it is because so many spouses are in the position of going to church without their spouse. They don’t want to, but it’s either a matter of going alone, or not going at all. So we’re asking you, if you go to church without your spouse, what helps you? What has God, and others spoken to you that helps?
Concerning this question, Dr Ralph F. Wilson wrote:
“A sense of responsibility for her children’s faith is what motivated Dyann. “One Sunday morning I realized that my six-year- old had never been to church or Sunday school,” she said. “I know I can’t give her my faith, but I am responsible to help her learn about Jesus so she’ll be able to develop her own faith as she grows. To rob her of a knowledge of God would be even worse than robbing her of the ability to learn to read.” Dyann and her daughter, Lisa, have been attending church ever since. (From the Joyfulheart.com article, “Should Wives Go To Church Without Their Husbands?”)
This is something to prayerfully consider.
Also, Before Answering Our Question:
Here’s a piece of advice written by Desiree S. Coleman, that you may find helpful:
“In being true to yourself, explain to your spouse why your faith is important to you. Likewise, express your desire for a united family. And communicate how you would love to have a shared commitment to faith. And then, as cliche as it sounds, you will have to let go and let God do the work. Realize that the spiritual walk involves spiritual things. In other words, at a certain point, there is only so much that you can do and say. At that point, you will have to activate your faith and believe God to draw your spouse unto Him. And don’t lose hope when it seems like nothing is happening. Because when you’ve exhausted all your options and handed it to God, that’s when you realize He has been at work all along. (From the Blackandmarriedwithkids.com article, “5 Things To Do If Your Spouse Won’t Come To Church”)
And Lastly:
The following is some advice that Lynn Donovan gives from her own personal experience:
“Here are some lessons I’ve learned through sitting alone in church. One, I’m not the only one. My spiritual mismatched allowed me to see many others who don’t fit in. My heart is drawn to those who are alone, even those who feel alone but ARE sitting with a spouse. And my friends, churches are filled with these kinds of people who pretend their marriage is perfect. It’s simply not true. Every marriage, including your pastor’s will struggle, even greatly struggle at some point. It’s just different from yours.
“Allow yourself to set aside your loneliness and pain and truly look around you. It’s likely your training here at SUM and through the Word will allow you to speak love and truth into some other misfit who is sitting in the sanctuary. And that my friends, is exactly what delights the heart of God. BTW: Ultimately we will discover we are all misfits and that is exactly what God intends!!! (From the Spirituallyunequallyyokedmarriage.com article, “Going to Church Alone”)
Additionally, here is a link to an article that will lead you to even more advice that you may find to be helpful. We encourage you to read:
• MY SPOUSE WON’T GO TO CHURCH. HELP!
Now, once again, the question we’re posing. We hope you can give some insights to help others as you answer it:
If you go to church without your spouse, how do you deal with unmet expectations?
Filed under: Question of the Month Spiritual Matters Unbelieving Spouse
(USA) I’m a born again Christian. My church is a very small Pentecostal Spanish church. I’ve known my pastors for many years. I’m the church treasurer and I help around a lot. MY husband is a non believer. He gets very upset everytime I go to church. Before I was a born again Christian, he was fine with me going out with my girlfriends. Now going out is a big issue. He got so upset that he took the car, he gave me, away. I been praying for the situation, but sometimes I feel defeated.
(US) I have cried so many, many times and felt extreme loneliness walking my faith journey alone. We have two sons (8 and 11) and they need their Dad to set the spiritual example for them to follow. Whenever I get up to go on Sunday mornings (usually alone), the boys get their Dad on their side and he tells them they don’t have to go. Guess who wins that battle?
It is a constant struggle. We too have gotten out of the habit of going to church every Sunday, but there always seems to be an excuse as to why he didn’t want to go. Lately we have tried several churches, hoping to get “plugged in”, but none of them suit my husband. They are too long, or ask for money too much, or the preaching is boring.
I feel so completely alone and have been battling despair lately. I have gone to church alone, for my sake, but like so many other bloggers on here, you feel out of place and embarrassed. What do you say when people ask where your husband is? I feel labeled. What’s the point of being married if you walk your spiritual walk alone?
I have told my husband how critical him taking his family to church is to me, but he doesn’t seem to care about my feelings at all. I know the Word says for wives to submit to their husbands, but I feel like if I submitted to my husband, we’d be heathens! I have always felt like I was the one who gave our family any spirituality at all. I have been married 13 years and suffering though it Sunday after Sunday.
I too am going through a “down” time of extreme discouragement. Sometimes I don’t know how much longer I can deal with this conflict. I was raised in the church; my husband was not. He says he got “saved” when he was a teenager, but I cannot see evidence of that now. He is a very good man, and it’s not my love for him that has waned. I just feel alone in the most important area of a marriage; your walk of faith. He never reads his Word, and talks about his faith rarely unless he is wanting God to take care of something for him. I do read The Word each night and my spiritual walk is my lifeline.
I wonder if he really realizes how negatively this affects me and my outlook on our marraige. Please pray for us… I try to trust God and His plan, but I just can’t see it right now.
(USA) I’m about 40. My husband and I met at church in high school and married about 20 years ago. Through all the time I knew him he seemed very devout praying, attending church and doing outreaches. Now that we have kids. He doesn’t attend church regularly. Maybe once every couple of months. Not having him at church has been hard. At first it was embarrasing especially when the kids are young and we had devout couple friends, now I only have an ache in my heart when I see other couples at church.
When I married him, I never imagined that I would be going to church alone with the kids. I always wanted the sweet Christian family that attended church together and prayed at meals and had family devotionals together. He’s turned out to be a workaholic and obsessive about sports. He has ordered his life where he doesn’t have to be involved. He rarely eats meals with us or goes to church with us. He has been critical of my house keeping and child raising while he is gone most of the time working late pass midnight when he doesn’t have to or obsessing over sports. I’m lonely and the criticism and emotional abandonment hurts. Also I think he is cheating but have no proof. When the kids are gone, I probably will be to. And there are lots of groups for single/divorced people, there isn’t any that I know of for spouses who attend church alone.
We used to attend couples groups when the kids were babies so I miss that. Now I feel out of place in the small bible groups for married people with kids because it has couples attending and of course they ask about whether your husband is going to attend. So I just stick to the women’s only groups now which I don’t like as much because they can be so girly at times. Men don’t do girly stuff. So it was nice being in a married couples group that has men to balance this out.
(USA) Thank you for sharing, Maggie. Have you ever noticed that it’s mostly the men who aren’t on board? Why? I mean not to say that the wives are never the ones on the other side, as I’ve read here, but it’s no secret that men in this day and age have serious issues about being the true spiritual head of their household and setting the example for their families to follow. Not to mention the whole issue of marital faithfulness. Why is that so hard for husbands to grasp? I know my husband flirts with the women he works with, but because I am not there how can I prove it? Why is there a need to get that ego pumped by other women if he supposedly loves me? I don’t understand and have no answer for it.
(USA) Maggie, I wish I could defend “men”, but it’s true that there are many husbands and fathers in the church, formerly in the church, and home-but-should-be-in-the-church who have NOT stepped up to meet their obligations. Society doesn’t help in this regard (it rarely does), witness the FUROR over Michelle Bachman’s recent statements that she submits to her husband as directed to in Ephesians 5:22. Please don’t confuse me bringing her up with endorsing her as a candidate, mind you, as I won’t comment on politics in such a forum, other than to say my mind is not yet made up on ANYONE.
This past Father’s day our church dedicated our children’s ministry to fathers, with our little ones making wonderful crafts. We dedicated pre and post service to father’s, building a “man cave” with big screen TVs, reclining chairs, wings, etc. But we dedicated our SERMON to reminding them of their HUGE obligations in the family.
It is so critical to respect Ephesians 5:22-24, but also critical that every man continues on to see his responsibility in return. Man is not the master of woman, with the wife being subserviant in all things, but is the spiritual leader, as you noted. He does need to keep reading through verse 33 before puffing out his chest and feeling too high and mighty. The man’s duties in response are compared to Christ laying down his life for the world, lest you think a “leader of the house” entitles you to merely sit on the couch and be handed beer and nachos.
I’ll be praying for you Maggie, that your husband’s heart softens to the Lord, and that he realizes how beautiful marriage is, and how it should not be squandered or thrown away. I don’t pray you escape when your kids are gone, but I pray you reconcile TODAY (or soon), since I neither like seeing marriages end (even in the case of adultery, where it is permissable) – permissable doesn’t equal desirable. Besides, the thought of you suffering while waiting out your children’s growth is a burden I wouldn’t wish on either of you.
Be vigilant in prayer, and be encouraged by something I witnessed this weekend at a church retreat. A woman my wife and I know, who comes to church alone every week for years, attended the retreat with not just her three year old, but her husband as well. And despite his continued complaints, we saw a glimmer of hope in his actions. While he ducked out of several things early on to sit and read in the hotel room, I relate to you this story: She woke up Saturday morning and was prepared to go to service, when he grumpily reminded her he wasn’t going. She cheerfully as she could said “no problem, “Suzy” (not her daughter’s real name) and I will be downstairs at service, we’ll see you in a bit. Without another word spoken, he dressed and came down to hear service, and participated in a scavenger hunt activity that took place right after service, even doing a “flash mob” by the pool for bonus points.
Far be it from me to say he’ll be at church next weekend, but the Lord continues to soften his heart, and will reward his wife’s vigilance in prayer.
(UNITED STATE) Help, Help, I am a Christian, and my husband is a beliver as well. But during his childhood his family was in a religious cult; he saw all kinds of bad things happen at church that was not of God.
He still believes in God but he wants to be in control of me and when he goes to church, he comes home criticizing the Pastor, the people in church and me…and when I make mistakes he loves to make me feel that I am not a good Christian.
He also doesn’t want to go to church and sometimes and doesn’t want me to go either. There have been occasions where he would get very heated up because he didn’t want me to go to church and when I DID go, he doesn’t speak to me for days. And when ever I am studying the Bible he likes to argue scripture with me.
(UNITED STATES) CC, I think discussing scripture is wonderful, as can be debating, but arguing with your spouse about the Word is probably not good. It’s not healthy, either, to criticize everything about your local church, although given his past, I think it’s understandable that he would have trust issues in this area, and be skeptical of other’s interpretation of the Word, having seen it warped so clearly in the past.
I love this forum, however, it can be hard, since there’s a lot of “drive by” postings (post, response, silence) – and this isn’t something that can be done so quickly. I would like to know the nature of how you both came to know this specific church. Who found it, who first started attending it, without judging specific denominations – which denomination it is, or at least whose background it most closely fits, etc.
Are there any pastors, if even nationally that you can listen to on podcasts or video broadcasts that you both enjoy, some common ground you can find? And rather than debating scripture one on one (I’m not sure I would want to do this often with my wife, honestly), I would love to know if there’s a possibility for both of you to join a couples small group/Bible study, preferably one hosted by a pastor or associatiate pastor, and preferably one where for first at least, you could both sit and listen.
From hearing your story, it sounds like he still has a lot of anger and resentment towards his childhood religious experiences. Not speaking for days only keeps that bottled up, although heated arguments are not healthy either. I’m sorry that you are both having a tough time right now, when God’s desire was for marriage under Him to draw you closer together.
Have you been able to speak to anyone about this, especially a pastor at this church? This may not be something you can navigate without additional help.
Know that there are many on this forum who will be praying over your family.
(USA) Religion is a personal issue that can”t be crammed down people’s throats. If someone wants to attend church and practice religion from their heart, that’s admirable.
If a person chooses not to attend church services, spouses need to be understanding and not use peer pressure to make them feel guilty about not going to church.
Marriage is a partnership, not a dictatorship. Even though you are married, you still have two dinstinct personalities and interests- even two spouses of the same faith will have disagreements on several issues. I never understood why people (especially women) think they can change their spouse’s personal lives through prayer or peer pressure.
Recommendation to unequally yoked marriages: Let the religious spouse attend Bible study while the other spouse watches TV or play golf.
(USA) While there is truth that hassling and nagging is not effective, the truth is, if you are deeply in love with your spouse, and know Christ, and his teaching that the path is narrow, then it will burn within you to see that your spouse has a relationship with Jesus, as all other paths lead to Hell.
The correct move if your spouse is unequally yoked is a combination of living a Christ-like life, remaining in constant prayer for that spouse, setting that good example, and finding a way to have that spouse in a position of redemption and salvation so as to avoid the alternative.
This isn’t about equally serving, or can one spouse spend too much time, or should we find a different church. This is about making sure your loved ones and safe and secure from eternal punishment.
Scott, Good answer.
Scott, you said that if you love your spouse, “then it will burn within you to see that your spouse has a relationship with Jesus, as all other paths lead to Hell.”
How about, “If you deeply love your spouse and you sincerely, joyfully love God, then it will burn within you to introduce your spouse to God, His grace and the wondrous relationship that follows.”
If I were a non-believer and my wife were the only Christian in the family, I would see her attempts at saving me from the fires of Hell as, at best, misguided nonsense; and at worst, condescension and prideful hubris. I have never seen anyone turned toward Christ by a friend or relative who expressed fear for their immortal soul. I would question the authenticity of any faith that was born of fear.
If you or anyone else truly cares about bringing others toward God, toward Jesus, I would suggest using what actually works: sharing the love, joy and grace that attracts. Using fear attracts no one. It moves no one. It makes us look as though we know the mind of God and that we can point fingers at who will reside in Hell and who will not. It is ugly.
Brian, I understand where you’re coming from; however, Christ Himself preached on Hell more frequently than He preached on Heaven. I believe that the entire gospel ought to be shared, not just half of it. And that also goes toward your point; we ought not to just preach Hell by itself. And respectfully, we aren’t the ones pointing fingers and determining who will reside in Hell or not, God’s Word plainly does that for us.
If we, as husbands, would love our wives as Christ loves the Church, then, 1) Our wives would find it much sweeter to follow our spiritual lead in our homes, and, 2) We would be able to share the ENTIRE Gospel; without fear and with love, and leave the results to the Lord.
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge.
Now what if you do set an example and you try to live a life but it seems as if he is hard headed and doesn’t listen? Is it right to say let’s take a break until you make time for God?
I would read 1st Peter 3:1-2 for Biblical advice to that question. Here is an easy-to-read commentary: “Husband and wife would often be converted together; but if this should not be the case, and if the unbelieving husband should set himself in direct opposition to the Word of God (for the words ‘believe not’ have more than a negative meaning, as in 1 Peter 2:7), still Christian wives must submit themselves. They must do this for the glory of God, and with the hope of saving their husbands’ souls; that those unbelieving husbands may be won to Christ and to everlasting life by the silent eloquence of the quiet self-restraint and holy behavior of their wives, without argument or preaching on the wives’ part. A self-denying holy life will do more to win those with whom we live in close intercourse than even holy words, and much more than debate and controversy.”
I hope that helps answer your question!
(USA) My husband and I were attending a Assembly of God church for approx. 10 years we left because of problems with the leadership -it was primarily my husbands decision. I told him since he was unhappy there he could choose the next church we attended. We kinda agreed what we were looking for. We found a dynamic, on fire church. My husband agreed to attend. I could tell he wasn’t completely satisfied but he said he liked the people.
After 4 months and me finally getting to know some people he says the services are too long – 2 and a half hours. Now he wants to leave. I do agree that the services are too long -yet I am so impressed at the level of spirituality of the believers and don’t want to leave. My question is – Do I submit to my husband’s authority according to Ephesians 5:22 or do I kinda push to stay because I am afraid of attending a dead church. I just want to follow God and obey Him. Please help.
(UNITED STATES) Wow! 2 1/2 hours! Our service ran over 90 minutes yesterday, and I felt bad for the members! I will assume by you asking if Ephesians 5:22 needs to be followed you meant does that apply here, not is it valid scripture. Don’t leave… don’t stay… take a week off and check out a church, then go back. Then repeat the process until you are both happy!
Let’s say you can “talk him into” staying. Are you happy, knowing that he isn’t? I would caution you that it would be fairly easy to find fault with every church out there –so it is important to find a home church, and dedicate to them, flaws and all.
Yes, wives should submit to their husbands who should lead the house. Keep reading, however; your husband is to you as Christ was to the Church –ready to die for his wife!
Allow him to lead the search, but he and you, based on my reading of Ephesians 5:22-33, should end up in a place of worship that you both love, and works well for the two of you. Your husband leading doesn’t mean your silence, and never express an opinion. But it also doesn’t mean you like a place so he should stay.
(UK) I’ve been reading all the comments on here with great interest, only wish I’d come across it earlier. When my husband and I married, I wasn’t saved, and though he’d been saved years earlier, he’d stopped attending church. I came to Christ in 2006 and at first started attending church on a weekly basis… however, though I imagined he’d soon start coming with myself and the children he flatly refused to come.
In 2008, I joined a different, much smaller church and became actively involved in serving in various ways, but despite constantly praying for him to come with us, he didn’t. Even on special occasions when the children were involved in concerts, had their child dedication etc, though they begged him to go he always refused. Things then went from bad to worse when he started to complain about the amount of time I was spending in church. I realised he had a point because, I was in church all day Sunday, every other Monday evening for leadership meeting, Tuesdays for prayer meeting, Wednesdays for Bible study, Friday for social night and some Saturdays for evangelism.
It came to a point where he began to say I have to choose between the church and him. He said he was willing for us to all go and find a new church to go to together, but that if I stayed at my church – the marriage was over. I discussed this with my Pastor and my Pastor’s advice was that on no condition should I consider such an option. I told my husband that I wasn’t going to leave my church, but that I would cut down my attendance, which I did and this seemed to work for a while, but there were still problems.
To cut a long story short, my husband left 10 months ago now. No talk of divorce, but he’s rented a room 5 mins away. Obviously we had many problems due to us being unequally yoked, but the church issue also played a big part. Having time to reflect though, and studying God’s word on the matter relating to submission, even if you’re unequally yoked, I’m now led to believe I may not have dealt with the situation in the right way. I’d be grateful for your input. Thank you.
(USA) Rose, I am about to quote scripture, but with a caveat: I don’t believe you should act upon it. 1 Corinthians 7:15 – But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.
I would advise you read some of my other comments on this forum (there are many). Some seek help, some offer counsel. None are judgmental. I hesitate to sound judgmental, but I believe you received unwise advise from your Pastor. God comes first. Not your local church. God, Family, Church, Everything Else. Your Pastor may have put your local church institution in the wrong order. Remember that while God loves the divorced, He hates divorce. It is to be avoided at all cost.
I just co-hosted a Family Dedication a week ago in our church. Most were families. There was a woman whom I know well whose husband is not participating in her church activities, and I was willing to dedicate her. There was another woman in a similar situation, whose husband I believe is on the cusp of salvation. We spoke, and agreed this is not the time. I mention this only because you mentioned you took your kids and dedicated them. Doing so with one parent not in attendance is not automatically wrong, however, it is preferable to do so as a partnership, two married people in a God-first marriage, dedicating their children. There’s so much history behind this act, even Joseph and Mary presented Jesus to the Lord (Luke 2:22b).
You have a man who is not interested in divorce, and whom you don’t need to convince to go to church – he offered (and hopefully still offers) to have you both find a new church and attend. If you can cut back on your current activities, I would still take him up on that. There may yet be a season when you can be more active, perhaps one day even serving alongside your husband.
In the mean time, you mention some things (Bible study, social time, prayer meetings) that are obviously feeding you, but not necessarily feeding others – were you hosting the bible study or attending? Was your social time including people who were recently unchurched, or just for your enjoyment? I don’t criticize those actions as they are admirable, good things to do, but there are seasons for everything. It is much harder to step back from an activity like the evangelism you mentioned, because you are out doing God’s mission, directly. Bear in mind I speak from experience. I quit a photography ministry to protect my marriage. That was easy. I quit one of my small groups to protect my marriage. That was easy. I declined to join a video ministry to protect my marriage. That was easy. I cut back from hosting multiple small groups to just one, mentoring the teachers I was tasked to mentor. That was easy. I quit a children’s ministry, where I was the lead teacher, and saw close to 1,000 kids every week, had strong bonds with many of the children, and strong friendships with many of my co-leaders and volunteers. That was hard, but when I stopped feeding my pride and ego, God told me (in quite strong terms, I felt rather rebuked and foolish):
1) That my place was at home, fixing my marriage not trying to fix other families right now.
2) That He had a new church for me, and I was to go to find it. It wouldn’t be as comfortable, as large, or as glamorous, but ultimately my work would be more important to building His kingdom through and for His glory.
3) That I had been ignoring Him for quite some time, and new it.
4) That I was arrogant to worry about the children, that He would always provide for His children in HIS Church. Everyone sans God is replaceable.
5) That He still loved me, and still had important things for me, but it was time to move on.
I had a powerful testimony of being saved, but this has become a powerful testimony for people like you, one that I love sharing, because of the amazing things God has done. Bear in mind when I quit my church I had dropped everything that fed me and kept only things that served others. But it was a large church, but one that declined to have a staff position for children’s ministry preacher. So I had to balance six services a week, rehearsals, video shoots with my day job. The time did not add up to something that left enough time for my wife and our young children. The church learned as well, I understand it’s a large rotation of multiple people now. I thought I was doing something that had to be done, when in fact, I was willfully destroying my marriage.
Before finding that church, I was Jewish, and my wife was a non-practicing Catholic. We had attended every week for months upon months upon months and made some friends, before I started serving too vigorously. My wife never got much more active than going weekly, but it was more than she had done in a long time. Towards the end, she had stopped attending church.
I quit about five months ago. We went to a number of churches TOGETHER, and found a place I felt called to, and that she felt comfortable in. A good friend of mine had recently taken over as Lead Pastor, and since then some friends of ours have joined, plus we’ve made new friends. I purposely sat on the side lines, and watched service every week, hesitating to serve. This was out of respect to the existing leaders (they new I was close to the Pastor and I didn’t want to be seen as trying to take over), and to my wife, whom I worried about her fragile faith still.
While I was still sitting around watching service weekly, she became friendly with a woman and began teaching children’s ministry, through no prompting on my part. Because of this, and practically being begged, I agreed to help out a bit. Just a couple of months later, it turned out the existing director needed to step back, as her husband and herself wanted to start a family, and the time seemed like a bit much for them. She had agonized over this for months, worrying about her ministry, and who would take over. She felt comfortable enough with my experience and the fact that I was serving alongside my wife to step back a few steps, without having discussed with me or the Pastor who would take over. I was asked to take over, and after careful prayer and consideration understood why God took me to this church – to help grow it. My wife teaches twice weekly with our 3’s, 4’s and 5’s, I try to keep my teaching to two-three times a month, we only have one service so the time is okay anyway, and I’ve joined the leadership team, and agreed to preach about once a month in the adult service through a regular rotation. I’m right back where God expected me to be, even though I “quit”, and my wife went from zero to 60:
1) She teaches our church’s children.
2) She plans events and cooks for the church.
3) She attends church each and every week, serving or not.
4) She’s begun to pray before we eat (this was a big leap of faith for her).
5) She has lots of friends who are churched.
6) She has joined a small group.
7) Driving home last night after dinner last week, we had gotten a sitter due to her birthday, we were in the car, and she plugged in her phone and turned on a song by Hillsong, saying “I have to hear my song so I can sleep”. She has started listening to CCM quite regularly.
Whatever you think you are going to give up… think of all that God will return to you. You’ll make new friends (you did once, why wouldn’t you again)? You’ll replace sitting alone with sitting alongside your husband. You’ll get your husband back. And one day, God will deliver to you an amazing husband of faith, who will surprise you with all he does to serve the Kingdom.
Rose, know that I am praying for you. Know that I understand where you are, having been there. Know that 10 months is not too long, and not drastically longer than I struggled in my marriage. Know that God will repair marriages in far worse shape than yours. Know that God loves you and your husband, and LOVES marriage. Know that He loves a servant’s heart, and know that He understands (and demands) that you serve your family too, even at the expense of your church.
I know your Pastor would hate to see you consider leaving, and again, I am loathe to criticize in these forums, but he is your spiritual advisor, but has allowed your marriage to be in a precarious, dangerous, painful place. Be well, Rose. Go to your husband. This isn’t even necessarily about apologizing, and it’s certainly not about groveling, but it is about expressing your love for him, your marriage, and your family. It’s about fixing a situation neither of you want for your kids, and for yourselves. And come back here regularly, and let us know about your walk. Let us rejoice one day in all that has happened.
Scott, Thank you so much for your time. I appreciate that you took the time to explain this to me. I almost destroyed my marriage because I felt it was my duty to stay at the church I attended. My husband and I have barely been married a year. He moved to where I now live. He began going to the church I attend. I am the Youth Minister with secretarial duties. Quickly he realized he couldn’t do the church and fought to try to go for my sake. He couldn’t. He didn’t like the city either. We argued about this and after a few months of being here he left. We went through so much drama apart. We recently began talking again and both still want our marriage.
I came on here in search of guidance and direction because I really want to do what God wants me to do. Here I see that God is for my marraige and that comes first. It hurts deeply that I will have to leave that church where only I was working in it. But I can now look forward and see that maybe God has something bigger for us. Maybe he now wants to use us as opposed to just me. I get that. Again, Thank You so much for sharing your experience with me.
(UK) Thank you Scott for your reply, you have given me so much food for thought. As you suggested, I’ve been reading through many of the comments on the site and its very helpful and an eye opener to realise there are so many of us who’ve been through, or are going through this type of challenge. I realise my situation may be somewhat off topic as my husband and I are now separated, but as you say, God is a mighty healer, and is able to to exceedingly above that which we ask or even think is possible, so I continue to pray for healing and restoration to take place in my marriage.
But I can truly identify with so much of what I have read. The pain and loneliness of feeling you are single when you are not, and the feeling that no one in church really understands what you are going through, has been something I am very familiar with.
It was very encouraging to read your testimony -and of the sacrifice you made -which has resulted in your wife embarking on her journey back to Christ/actively serving in church etc. It’s a great testimony and backs up God’s promise that all things work together for good for those who are called according to his purpose.
In my case, the point my Pastor was making was that this is the church God has placed me in, and therefore my husband wanting me to leave wasn’t in line with God’s plan for me, especially as my prayer had been for my husband to come to this church. For that reason he advised that it wasn’t something I should consider, also that it was simply a ploy the enemy was using to get me out of church.
I was also encouraged that this was an example of how we must be prepared to leave husband, wife, family etc – give up anything that is getting in the way of our relationship with Jesus…
However, although I understand we must let nothing come between ourselves and Christ, I can only describe my feelings now, 10 months after he left, as being that I feel I haven’t fulfilled my duty as I should have as the believing spouse in an unequally yoked marriage.
It is truly a challenging task trying to keep an unequally yoked marriage together -it is challenging enough when husband and wife are both in Christ (in the past year we’ve had 3 marriage breakdowns in the leadership team alone). But the way I feel now is despite the difficulties in my marriage -the broken home that we now have isn’t in any way the better option -not for our family and not in the eyes of God. I’m just praying that God will give me the wisdom, strength and humility to deal with the situation in the best possible way, and I’m asking for your continued prayers. Will let you know how it all goes.
(UNITED STATES) First and foremost, you have my continued prayers. I’ve mentioned your story in my leadership team, and know that you are part of our daily prayer circle.
“In my case, the point my Pastor was making was that this is the church God has placed me in, and therefore my husband wanting me to leave wasn’t in line with God’s plan for me, especially as my prayer had been for my husband to come to this church. For that reason he advised that it wasn’t something I should consider, also that it was simply a ploy the enemy was using to get me out of church.”
I want to focus on this part of your message. Unless you are hearing from God via a dream and your pastor is say Daniel, I’m not sure he’s authoritative on what God wants for you. Please don’t confuse these things:
1) God’s Church with a local church establishment. One is beautiful, perfect, and universal. The other is filled with flawed people that make mistakes. Trust me, I preach. I speak from great authority that the church is flawed. I make mistakes.
2) Nobody is more qualified to know what God wants for you and your husband… then you and your husband through prayer.
3) When I teach prayer to our church’s children, I remind them that there is no right way or wrong way to pray, aside from things like Matthew 6:5. When I teach prayer to our older children I introduce the reality that there is no wrong way… but some ways are more effective than others.
Contrast this: “my prayer had been for my husband to come to this church” …With this: “I’m just praying that God will give me the wisdom, strength and humility to deal with the situation in the best possible way,” and this: “I continue to pray for healing and restoration to take place in my marriage.”
All three come from a similar place in your heart. The first is a bit more direct of a request. It doesn’t really address “Your will be done”. That’s not to say it’s wrong to ask for something specific, but while I wouldn’t consider changing your second and third prayer, I would only question the first in that there’s nothing in scripture that directs you to a specific church, denomination – there’s no concept of that. Denominations are a human creation, not necessarily wrong, but merely born out of our inability to fully interpret all of God’s Word the same way as our neighbor.
“God, please restore our marriage. Please bring us together. Please show us what you want in our lives. I’m willing to go where YOU want me to go. I’m willing to do what YOU want me to do. I do not wish to lose my husband. I want to honor marriage as you would have me do. I want a marriage that puts you first. Your bride is the Church and my bride is my husband, and I want to be wherever those two things intersect, with you, and him first in my life.”
I don’t often share this part of my story, since there are some negative things to it, and I have forgiven. I have no bad feelings about ever having joined the first church I joined. The Lead Pastor gave great sermons. I had many great friends. I was saved at that church. I began to serve at that church. I began to preach at that church. Who could find remorse in having been at such a place? It was probably the only mega church in the US where someone with my relative lack of experience and short timed faith could have had an opportunity to do some of the things I was able to do, and it prepared me for a lifetime of ministry. God put me exactly where He needed me to save me and prepare me, and then used those tools he had given me and the insight he was about to reveal to me to do even greater things for His Glory. BUT… (you knew that was coming):
When I left, it was hard. Months of praying for my wife to come to church were showing no fruit. Please let her come back to XYZ Church. No answer. She would occasionally be there, mostly to drop one of our daughters off to see me teach in the children’s ministry for one of the many, many services we did each week. She would sometimes hang out a few minutes and hear me preach, mostly because a friendly volunteer who also corner her to talk, or one of the kids that knew her through knowing me would make her play. But her heart was there, and she wouldn’t attend service with me. She showed up once towards the end when they were doing a big video testimony they had recorded about me. That was to support me, not them. And nothing changed. She was mad that they had taken away my time with her. And the last couple of months she was mad as she saw some people she was friendly with leave for a neighboring church. And then saw a Pastor who was dear to my heart get let go. But I kept praying for her to return to the church, and it was fruitless.
We started fighting, and I would always say “well let’s go find another church”, but somehow she always knew I didn’t want her to call my bluff and take me up on that offer. I would say “let’s find a smaller church, with one service, where I can serve with my 100% but have that not be 50 hours a week”, but she correctly let me know she knew I would be miserable. And it’s true, because my heart was still with my church, for selfish reasons. *I* taught almost 1000 kids a week. *I* was the main teacher in children’s. *I* had more followers on our Internet broadcast then our youth ministry. *I* could bring God’s Word.
And then one day, I realized everything out of my mouth was either *I*, or *WE* (the ministry), but never GOD, and rarely the Spirit (I would always pray for the Spirit to deliver words through me before getting on a stage, but that was about it at that point – church was really about how good I felt serving).
That day, my knees bent. I repented for my ego, my selfishness, and my stubborn, stead-fast insistence on ignoring what had to be done. I asked God to reveal his will for me. My cell phone rang simultaneously upon saying Amen on that prayer, and I had a call that helped me realize it was going to be okay to go. Later that day, the same pastor whom had been let go returned my call. I had not spoken to him in months, as he had wanted to avoid the appearance of trying to recruit people away from his former church. But he said he knew today he had to speak to me. Throughout the rest of the day, I prayed, and knew without question where I was going. Not a specific church, mind you, but I knew the size, the geographic area… I knew clearly where God wanted me to go. Without hesitation, I stepped down the next morning.
I stayed on a couple of weeks, to help them select a new curriculum (we had been writing our own, and they needed something pre-packaged at that point), to continue to work with some of the other volunteers who would be leaned on more heavily moving forward, and to finish out our current series, plus Easter, which was rapidly approaching.
God was still working through me, mind you, in amazing ways. A few days before Good Friday, our normal room was unavailable due to ongoing renovations, so we had to rehearse in the youth ministry – so we had a few different faces that day. We were tackling crucifixtion, and I wanted to address is fairly seriously, even for the age group (6-11 that would be hearing the message that upcoming weekend). The Holy Spirit came over the room that day, and a teen that I had been working closely with, and even allowing to help serve in our ministry, over the objections of some other people was moved to tears, and was never the same again. I was not permitted to attend, but she was baptized Easter Sunday, and is still showing amazing signs of life change. I never got a chance to teach that message, however, as I was “fired” (hard to be fired on your last weekend when you aren’t a paid employee, but that’s the word that seems to fit) on Good Friday. I showed up a few hours before our first service, and was pulled into a room, and asked “why are you here?” As I explained that leaving didn’t mean leaving people hanging, I was told three things:
1) Nobody understands why you are leaving.
2) How do you, as a new believer, know you are hearing from God on this?
3) What are you going to do at your next church, when your wife gets mad about something and makes you leave again.
Had I needed any more clarity on my decision (I didn’t), that would have provided it. I did not believe confrontation, or arguing was necessary, nor was further explanation. I told this pastor I heard what he was saying, but was not turning back on my decision, and he asked me not to serve that day. I collected my things, went to someone and asked them to teach on short notice, and went to the main lobby, thinking I would attend service and go home. About 5 minutes later I just went home.
Rose… you wouldn’t believe where we are today! My wife was comfortable in a “megachurch” setting. You get to be relatively anonymous if you like (well… she did, not so much me). The band is big, polished and professional. The preachers are polished, ready to be on TV. The coffee is Starbucks, the building is beautiful, the children and youth ministry’s are polished… everything is “perfect”. She never asked to visit one again. We went to a place nearby where more than 50 of our church’s former staff and volunteers had ended up. She didn’t like it. We went here, we went there. We ended up exactly where God had promised, however, in a small church plant, in an urban environment, with less than 100 people, a children’s ministry that might hit 20 kids soon, a church full of young 20 year olds with infants where we were initially the two oldest people, a church where everyone but us was bilingual… so many reasons to expect it not to be what she wanted. But she serves, has friends, we’re re-united with some old friends who had moved on, we’re starting to see the church grow, we’re no longer the oldest people, and most importantly, we’re happy. My wife is coming alive in Christ. She’s doing things that were unthinkable to me just a few months ago. Hillsong United erupts from her car now. She takes the curriculum I provide to her and expands upon it, knowing what works for “her kids”. She plans Sundays around church now, rather than makes plans and hopes I can ‘get out of church’.
Rose, don’t get me wrong. It’s HARD to leave your church home. I’m still healing, as are a few others who have moved on that I’m close with. I remain blessed – I’ve seen many people leave church and not return. I go weekly. I’m blessed: I still teach children. I’m blessed: I preach to our main congregation. I’m blessed: My wife serves alongside me. I’m blessed: We have amazing friends and family. I’m blessed: I’m watching the kids tonight as my wife has a small group to attend. I’m blessed: Sometimes I know she’s home from work because I hear Hillsong blaring on her car radio. I’m blessed: God delivered my family to His Church, asking only that I drive 5 miles this direction rather than 5 miles that direction. I miss children and friends I knew, I miss the excitement (sometimes) of such a large church, but even when I was in front of hundreds, there were times when you knew you were speaking directly to the heart of one child who needed to hear that teaching, that day, that moment. In a room of 10, I still get that opportunity.
My advice to you is not to leave your church. It’s to adjust your prayers. I don’t care what your pastor thinks you should do, and frankly, I don’t care what you think you should do. You should certainly not give a hoot what I think you should do. But go find out where God wants you. Whatever you have now, might be a pittance in comparason to what he will do through you in the future. Make sure you aren’t depriving yourself of a greater opportunity to serve Him, with the additional benefit of getting your family back.
Local churches are irrelevant in the big picture. Bringing your husband back might get the kingdom +1 person. What else matters?!
(UK) Thank you for your comments. It’s so helpful to have another perspective on the issue, and I appreciate the points you are making, also it’s very helpful to read of the experiences you’ve been through, and how you’ve been mightily blessed as a result of putting God first in your life.
I agree, the main priority, and the commission Jesus has given us, is that of winning souls. And as a believing spouse in an unequally yoked marriage, the priority is about winning your spouse over to the Kingdom of God -not necessarily winning him or her to a particular church. This is what I had initially expressed to my Pastor, but he more saw that as me weakening to what he saw as my husband’s misguided wish for me to change church, which as I said before, he didn’t feel was God’s plan for me.
But anyway, it now seems all this may be neither here nor there, as over the last couple of days there have been some developments… I met up with my husband a couple of days ago to discuss some issues pertaining to the children etc, and to cut a long story short, he feels he’s made the right decision to leave, and doesn’t have any intentions of coming back. He says he will deal with it all in terms of finalizing things (his words not mine). It’s just all so painful, and hard to understand -and all I can do is to keep praying for God to give me the strength, wisdom and understanding to deal with things in the best possible way.
(UNITED STATES) Rose, I’m both heartened and saddened to hear of this latest conversation. Obviously, I’m praying for God to restore your marriage, should that be His will. I am happy to know you’re talking, and addressing the issue, which is a necessary first step.
I’m sorry you and your Pastor had to have a potential disagreement -but I know from seeing your posts that you are in prayer on this matter, and are therefore in the best position to hear what God wants for you right now. I had a leadership meeting with our church last night, and our Lead Pastor spoke briefly on how we can celebrate people who are leaving, an issue dear to his heart and mine, since we’ve had experiences to the opposite in the past.
There is but one Church and Jesus is the Bridegroom. That we have these local institutions is wonderful, it was at one that my own life was saved, just a couple of years ago. But we must never forget whom we serve, and yes, He will call us to other places and seasons in life. I follow Christ, because my own heart has been known to deceive, but He has always led me in the right direction, even when my head was buried in sand pretending He didn’t exist.
Where is your husband faith-wise? I know he is certainly not for your current church, but does he attend anywhere? Does he know Jesus? Does he profess his faith and love for Christ?
(UK) No, my husband isn’t attending any church at the moment. When we first met he told me he was baptized and that he used to be active in church, exhorting, preaching sermons, evangelizing etc, but that he’d drifted and hadn’t been to church for years. Despite this he still used to speak to me about Jesus, telling me how he was my Lord and Saviour, had died for me etc.
It was about five years after we married I gave my life to Christ and began attending church with the children, but he always flatly refused to come with us, giving reasons such as pastors being hypocrites, just in it for the money, churches being full of hypocrites etc, etc.
In answer to your question, I would say yes, he does believe in Jesus. He also has a good knowledge of the Bible – but as far as I can see many of his opinions don’t quite match up with scripture, so it’s a little confusing.
In one of your replies you quoted to me 1 Corinthians 7:15. What is your understanding of the scripture, bearing in mind my current situation where he has not only departed but has told me he’s confident he’s made the right decision? As far as I understand it, it seems to clearly state that I must accept his decision, especially as he’s not interested in going for marriage counselling or having any proper/meaningful discussion…
(USA) While there have been many hypocrites in church, and many people in it for the money, I serve only because God told me to (He did not ask, mind you, but rather called me to it). I’ve already had the occasion to take a paid position – and turned it down, because the time commitment did not necessitate leaving my day job, and at the time, I could live without the money. I’m far from perfect, and far from unique – there are MANY who serve their Church dutifully, and would fall on their own cross for it.
I know many people who have turned away from the Church in anger, but maintain they have a great relationship with Jesus. I do not know the depths of their relationship, nor stand in judgement of anyone, but I understand Ephesians 5:25-27, and know that Jesus died for his Bride, the Church. I love Jesus, therefore mustn’t I love what he loved so much that he chose to die on a cross for it?
My understanding of 1 Corinthians 7:15 is two-fold. One, it does not apply to your husband. Two, it does not dictate your next action, but rather is meant to provide comfort and understanding should God’s will be ignored, and your marriage dissolved. God does not want this, and has not provided your husband with any actionable means for divorce, as you have remained faithful sexually, and remain faithful in your commitment to Christ, which remain the only justifiable means to allow a marriage to end.
It’s great that he studies scripture – I wonder how he justifies ending the marriage. I might not have you ask him that, or certainly not in that manner, as it’s awfully confrontational, but I do wonder in lieu of infidelity or spiritual abandonment why he feels okay? Were you unequally yoked? Sure. Were your perhaps over churched? Certainly. Was he under churched? Absoultely. Do we get to end a marriage over that? No.
1 Cor 7:15 is there for YOUR comfort should you be unable to remain married. He probably does not believe it applies either, since he considers himself saved, and perhaps he is, it’s extremely inappropriate for anyone to judge his salvation or lack there-of. But it’s sinful not to fight for that marriage, since Malachi 2:16 makes it clear, God abhors divorce! He has provided a limited set of “outs”, to protect the innocent Christ follower.
If your hand is forced, and you are divorced, go in peace. But until then, fight, Rose, fight! I would. Forgiveness isn’t easy, but you are modelled after the ultimate forgiver, and tasked with showing grace, compassion, forgiveness, etc.
I close with a question you may wish to ponder, and may or may not wish to answer to me right now. Do you love him? If so, worry not about can you save things at this point, that’s something to lift up to God. You seem to have amassed a great self-realization of where you stand relative to the church and your husband. It took some time to get there. I don’t mean that as an insult, my own testimony bears truth to how easy it is to get lost in our ability to accidentally dishonor something God loves (marriage) in our over zealous attempt to honor him through serving.
Scott, I really don’t get the impression from Rose’s posts that her husband was ever saved to begin with. I see a person ultimately opposed to Christ. I think in her case Corinthians does apply. I think her husband was religious in the beginning doing religious works but never actually met Christ. Lots of people profess to be Christians when they are only religious.
Jesus said you would know his followers by the fruit they produce. Being so opposed to Christ isn’t the mark of a believer. I really don’t think the guy was ever saved to begin with. As soon as his wife became saved for real you can see the difference between the real Christian and the one who only professes Christianity but has nothing to do with Christ.
I think 1st Corinthians does apply to her. I believe she became unequally yoked from the first day she was saved. If his life outside the marriage continues to one that is ultimately opposed to Christ I would definitely take that he has never been saved. Once you’re saved you’re always saved. No one loses true salvation.
(KENYA) I want to thank you all for being a blessing through your questions and answers. Here’s one. I am dating this God fearing man who is Catholic but I am Presbyterian. I am saved and I preach in my church but my boyfriend is also a staunch Catholic. We talk about God a lot and we pray together but I need an opinion from someone who is in my situation. When we get married, will our faith get in the way of love? We both want our wedding to be in our churches, how do we compromise? I need your advice on this. Thank you and God bless you.
(USA) Nissy, what a terrific question! Hard to answer, but terrific. It lightens my day to see you and your fiance addressing these issues before marriage, and having already found ways to share your faith! And… seeking compromise! I pray for everyone I speak to here, but these are often prayers of uplifting or prayers of petition for God to heal brokenness. It will be a particular delight to pray for your continued happiness!
I would like to be very particular in one thing: While not Presbyterian, I am, like you, a Protestant. The reality is, our denominations were founded out of a clear rejection of papal authority and very specific theological differences. Should that be a warning sign? Absolutely. Should that be an absolute admonition against marriage? Absolutely NOT. It is something to be sensitive of. There are some real differences, spiritually, but at the end of the day, if you both have a PERSONAL relationship with Jesus, view Him as the Son of God, and have confessed your sins to him, you are both Christian.
With as much sensitivity as possible, note that I mentioned confessing sins to Jesus. Do I ascribe to Catholic penitence, confessions to the Priest, and forgiveness through works? No. Do I find it possible that you can do that, yet also repent directly to Jesus – sure, I think you can do that.
Two main issues, of course, are the marriage ceremony and the raising of your children. Let’s handle the marriage, first, since it would come first, and you mentioned it specifically. That said, I would advise you to settle both these issues before moving forward, since a post-marriage disagreement on raising kids can be a HUGE point of strife in a marriage. You are on the right course now, and I want to see you stay on that course!
I found this article very helpful from the Catholic perspective:
http://www.cuf.org/faithfacts/details_view.asp?ffID=221
It references a 1993 “Directory for the Application of Principles and Norms on Ecumenism”, and number 159 states that such a mixed marriage (and to be clear, the Catholic church does view a Catholic marrying a non-Catholic Christian to be a mixed marriage) should take place outside of a Catholic Mass. No doubt your husband-to-be would wish there to be a Mass, however, if you keep reading, you will note that there are specific guidelines that may permit things to move forward from this point:
1) Dispensation can be obtained to allow your Pastor to participate in the ceremony (yes, even in HIS church), including reading scripture, preaching, and blessing the couple (#158).
2) You can receive permission from the Catholic church to marry in a non-Catholic church, by dispensation from his local church authority. This permission usually requires an agreement on raising the children in a compatible way. I can assure you, this is relatively easy, having actually done it myself! When my first child was born, I was still Jewish and my wife was still identifying herself as Catholic (we are now both saved Protestant Evangelicals). While we did not include the Catholic church in our wedding planning, I did have that daughter participate in what we will call a Christening, and as such, had to receive permission from the Priest due to our status as a mixed married couple. If this former Jew was able to reach an agreement with the Catholic Church, no doubt you can as well, since you believe in Jesus, and I didn’t even!
One thing I’m not sure of is the ability to have a Catholic Priest participate in a marriage ceremony… outside of the physical Catholic church building itself. It’s either extremely uncommon, or just impossible, but I would advise you both to seek council on that matter from people with more experience, probably a few priests in local churches.
The Catholic church appears to discourage, and actively prohibit “two ceremonies” either at one time, or at two separate times. I cannot disagree with that sentiment. We are all meant to marry but once, and if you cannot find unity in how to do that, the time is not right, perhaps.
On your side, you would want to sit down with your Pastor (together with your fiance) and talk these issues out as well. You will likely find quite a bit of flexibility, but all Pastors are different, of course.
The important thing, to me, is to work out a ceremony that honors God, and honors both your denominational beliefs, specifically in that order.
It’s also important to ensure that your fiance has a personal, direct relationship with Jesus Christ, separate (perhaps in addition to, I suppose) his following of Catholic protocol. Otherwise, you may accidentally find yourselves in an unequally yoked marriage.
I would also encourage you to work out the issue of church attendance before hand. You might not expect him to give up going to his church, therefore he should not expect you to give up yours. You need to find a schedule of incorporating worship together, perhaps in both houses of worship initially.
I would suggest one thing: you mention specifically that you are saved “but my boyfriend is also a staunch catholic”. The real question is… is he saved? If not, take a step back. If so, take a step forward. Catholics are taught they must believe in Jesus, be baptized, receive the sacraments, obey the decrees of the Roman Catholic Chucrh, perform works, not die with unforgiven mortal sins, etc.
This becomes a real controversial issue, and one that I will not fully take a stand on in this forum.
Some Protestants will look at that, and call it a false religion, and a group of unsaved people. Some can look at those same two statements, and separate them. Your fiance must satisfy Romans 10:9 – That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. He cannot be saved by works, although you may consider it not harmful that he strives to do works. Does he satisfy Romans 10:9? What of Luke 13:3 – I tell you, no! But unless you repent, you too will all perish.
If you are able to work out an marriage ceremony, and are both comfortable that you are absolutely destined for Heaven (he may have his own concerns), and decide to proceed, then the question is can you raise children together. Are you prepared to see your children sprinkled in the Catholic church? Is he prepared to see you lead them towards a subsequent believer’s immersion after the children reach an age of accountability and form a personal relationship with Christ? How will you handle the issue of papal authority and decrees, when one of you reject that authority, and the other believes it’s necessary for salvation?
Understand that mixed marriages are one of the hardest things for me to encourage. If he were Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist or Mormon, I would not have spent as much time offering you compromises. But the relationship between the Protestant and Catholic is one that I suspect many have made work… and many more have utterly failed in.
So move carefully, but foreward if you can. Consider Jesus FIRST in every decision you make, and every conversation you have. And be Blessed, the both of you! And bring more questions, if you have them!