We’re told in the Bible, that when we marry, “For this reason” we are to “leave” the primary allegiance we had with our mother, father and “cleave” to our spouse. We are “no longer as two” but were are to be as “one.” In other words, after wedding vows are exchanged they are to step behind each spouse both emotionally and authoritatively. If this doesn’t take place the offended spouse, quite often, starts viewing their inlaws as “outlaws” because of the intrusion into their marital union.
“This is not to suggest that children and parents should cut off their relationship under the guise of leaving and cleaving. But your primary human relationship now is with your spouse, not your parents. Your commitment to God comes first; then your bond to your spouse, then to any children you might have, then to your family of origin, and then to extended family and friends” (Sandra Lundberg, from the book, The First Five Years of Marriage).
Dealing with Inlaws
The importance they still have in our spouse’s heart shouldn’t be underestimated. But the influential role they once held in our decisions is to change.
If this hasn’t been the case in your marriage up to this point, this can be a time of “NEW BEGINNINGS” in your relationship with your spouse and his or her family “from this day forward.” It’s important that you make the necessary changes and stand by them together. With this in mind, please prayerfully consider the following thoughts. They come from an article titled “In Laws or Out Laws,” written by Dr Randy Carlson Theintentionallife.com.
He writes:
Lately on our radio program, I’ve been hearing from more people than ever about the difficulties they’re having in their marriages dealing with their mothers-in-law or fathers-in-law. The complaints vary. For one caller, it’s his father-in-law that’s showing favoritism for one grandchild over the other. Another person gets angry because her mother-in-law is always trying to control her husband.
For many couples, it’s the in-laws that simply won’t let go of their children and let them grow up. They constantly give unwanted advice on parenting, finances —even church. And then there’s the concern about in-laws who are not believers, who are having a negative influence on their grandchildren.
Afraid to Confront Parents
Whatever the circumstance, the way to overcome the conflict is through communication. But far too often, the husband or wife is afraid to confront their parents, or worse yet, just prefer to sweep the problems under the rug and pretend they don’t exist.
In the meantime, resentment and anger builds to the point that the easiest solution is just to stay away from the meddling in-laws, thereby depriving their children of an important and foundational family relationship —their grandparents.
Three Tips
“Here are three practical tips to help you deal with your in-law outlaws in a way that will glorify God and move your family toward healing, closeness and renewed trust.
1. Your in-laws are not the enemy:
Couples need to start with a little self-analysis. If you see your in-laws as the enemy, you’ll never get anywhere with them. No matter how troublesome they seem, you need to take the lead in working toward solving the problems.
“One thing that might help is to remember that your mother or father-in law is different from your parents. You cannot compare the two, because in most cases your in-laws will come up short. Therefore, you need to get to know them for who they are, not for what you want them to be.
2. “The biological connection:
If a wife has a problem with her husband’s parents, it is the responsibility of the husband to bring that issue before his parents —no matter how uncomfortable that may be. Truth is, the biological child will generally carry more credibility with his or her own parents, and should discern how to best communicate with them. It is then vital that the biological husband or wife lovingly but firmly defends his or her spouse and family.
3. “Stay unified:
Finally, couples need to be 100 per cent unified in their communication with their in-laws. It’s important for the mother or father-in-law to sense that there is no way they can possibly use their parental influence on their own child to try and drive a wedge in their marriage or in their role as parents.
“How can you do this while keeping the Biblical command to, ‘Honor your father and mother?’ By understanding and then communicating God’s design for families as established in the second chapter of Genesis. ‘A man will leave his father and mother,’ verse 24 says, ‘and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.’
Leave and Cleave
When you marry, you are to ‘leave’ your parental home and ‘cleave’ to your spouse and build a new home—with rules, expectations and goals set by you, not your parents. As a couple, you set clear boundaries regarding how you will maintain your relationship with your in-laws, and how you will communicate this to them.
In fact, it’s best to do this when you’re engaged so that the expectations of both you and your in-laws are established before marriage and parenting enters the picture.
When In-Laws Are Not Believers
Special relationship dynamics do exist when your in-laws are not believers in Christ. First, you must remember that it is still vitally important to nurture your relationship with your unsaved in-laws, especially when grandchildren are involved. But, as a couple, you need to stay sensitive to spiritual issues.
If your non-Christian in-laws are prone to use obscene language, live a carnal lifestyle, or try to directly influence you and your children against Christian beliefs, you need to step in and address the situation as lovingly as you can.
Goal: to Alter Behavior
Your goal here is not to change your in-laws. It’s to get them to alter their behavior as needed to protect your children and marriage as you see fit. But in extreme cases, where the mother- or father-in-law is an alcoholic, addicted to drugs, or is violent, you must draw the line to safeguard your family. Be sure to also communicate to your children what is happening with their grandparents. Encourage them to pray for the situation.
“In-law parents and grandparents are important members of your family. But your marriage and role as parents is now the priority. Wise couples will do everything they can to ensure they have a long, healthy relationship with their in-laws. Communication is the key to making that happen.”
Further Help
To help you further on this issue, we have numerous articles, quotes, testimonies, and available comment sections dedicated to Dealing with In Laws & Parents, posted on this web site.
Plus, below there are several links to web site articles, to read that could help you further with this issue:
• WHEN FATHER-IN-LAW DOESN’T KNOW BEST
• HOW TO MAKE PEACE WITH YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW
— ALSO —
• KEEPING THE PEACE IN YOUR EXTENDED FAMILY
We hope all of this helps you to set your marriage in God’s order.
Cindy and Steve Wright
Filed under: Marriage Messages
(LESOTHO) I believe in Godly marriage and would like to help others grow in that.
(FLORIDA) THANK YOU SOOOOO MUCH!!!!! This really came to me by way of the Holy Spirit. What great advice to help us along this journey as Christians. Thank you for being such a blessing. May the lord bless you with all his Glory!
(SOUTH AFRICA) I have a husband and we have serious arguments when it comes to his family. He always wants after church to visit his parents, since 2002 till now. I’ve been complaining about this and it seems he doesn’t understand why this is tiring me. His parents are not saved and even he is not a believer, but a church goer.
My husband is Venda by culture/tradition and recently he said he married me for his family, “to please his family.” On the other hand he said he loves me. We have 2 kids and got married 2001, started staying at his parents as they required and my hubby agreed. Finally I pushed that we get a house and we moved out after a year (2002).
My husband adores his mother. The day will never pass before he talks to her. He buys them presents and lots of things. Recently he wanted to give his mother a car. We have 3 cars and I refused as I have seen that most of the things are going to his parents unlike my parents.
Please tell me how to deal with this as I tried to explain to him that we should go 50/50 when it comes to our parents, but he doesn’t understand that. He never bought anything for my mom. Am I selfish or what? I prayed for God to help me but it seems like I’m developing a resentful attitude toward my in-laws. Your comment will be much appreciated!
(USA) Hi Vicky, I am feeling a lot if resentment towards my in laws, as well. I feel like my husband jumps for his family, his parents, brother, and even cousins and aunts and uncles. I don’t agree with the way he spends our money and time on them without wanting my feelings on it. I feel like his family takes advantage of him, and he feels indebted to everyone, especially his mom.
I feel like my family would never ask him for the things his family asks him for. He’s a full-time worker, student, and father to three very young children. I have prayed and prayed for help. I don’t want to feel like this. I love my in-laws, but I cringe when they come around or call.
I just wanted to let you know, you’re not alone. I pray that your answer will come to you and mine will, as well.
(UNITED STATES OF AMERICA) I’m going through the same thing; it is because she doesn’t want him with another woman. That what she wants…for you to get mad. I know how it feels; the best thing you can do is when she says something is to smile. If he can’t stand up for you, leave him. That is what I’m about to do. Some men love their moms too much. It is going to take God to show him try to save your marriage. It is hard when a man can’t see that their mom wants them like that. I’m going to pray for you to put your foot down and let him know that you’re not taking it any more. Make him choose… he needs to take up for you, not his mom. He found out she was trying to buy a tape recorder to trap her on what she said. A mother doesn’t want their son to catch them. You may also want to look at Dr. Phil’s web site… it will tell you about a jealous mother-in-law. After you’ve read it, let your husband read it. He may see what his mother is trying to do. May God bless you; I’m going to pray for you and your family.
I agree totally. I am single now due to Inlaws and Outlaws. My Mother, Step Father, Mother in Law and Brother in Law, constantly disturbed and ran my husband and myself and if they could not get their tug of war one way, they used my sister’s against me, or his mother would threaten to kill herself like his father did in front of him.
I got pregnant, and my husband and brother in law fought over that as well as my brother in law thought his wife should have been pregnant first. My mother constantly demanded my immediate attention daily or call in my sister’s and my mother in law demanded my Husbands daily. I was not allowed to drive for ten years and had to ask when to get up or take a bath as my husband wouldn’t let me leave his side 24/7 and of course his mother demanded the same as I took care of her mother while she had a ball with her boyfriend at their home.
It was a horrible ten years and I ran away despite he tried to kill me. I had nothing to lose and all to gain. My parents and his have since passed away. Now my sister thinks that she’s going to do the same, demanding that I never get with a man, that I make poor choices and it was her that had an affair with my husband?
So, my advice is run, if your husband cannot man up and be a husband to you and if your family is doing the same or they need to family up or you step out and be brave, for if not, well it is better to be alone with God and yourself than with any spouse that cannot man up or woman up. There is life beyond their stagnated narcisistic behavior that usally never changes, but you can.
God never intended anyone to be controlled or He would have taken that position from the start but he gave us free will to choose not to be abused not by family, inlaws, or outlaws. And no matter your past and who knows what about you, in God’s eyes you are excellent, not ordinary. Ordinary people always want to remind you of who you are and what you are and where you came from because they’re ordinary and stuck on controlling rather than growing up and being responsible. They tend to over look anyone’s needs other than their own insecurities, which makes them the way they are. I hope this helped, it has been my experience. I am just healing and taking my time.
Gosh, seeing others’ situations seem so simple compared to mine. True, the Bible says honour thy mother and thy father, and that includes your spouse because, in a true marriage, the two of you are one. It’s easier for me to say partly because both my own parents are dead for many years, and my in-laws don’t openly, at least, try to interfere deliberately in our lives. Demanding at times, but still, you only have them once.
My own problem is trickiker. There is a third party, not related to us in any way that tries to control both our lives more than I welcome. My wife sees this other woman’s controlling tactics as welcome help, so she can’t understand why I’ve told her my level of tolerance has been exceeded. Please don’t misunderstand. My wife is welcome to have her own friends, and I don’t need to appreciate them as she does. If one person is constantly disrespectful to both of us and time has passed over the years to make me tired of it, then she should appreciate my feelings, not that she needs to like them nor obey them.
If she wants this other woman to control her, I can’t help it. I can only consider having my better life somewhere else in the future, because three’s definitely not appropriate.
Neither of you should give anything to your parents at all. They are older adults that are at the end of their lives and the gifts should be for your kids and your home. Don’t give your money away or lend it to family. Let God help them and you both don’t receive any gifts from no one or favors. God should give to you or them for their needs.
(USA) Hi Vicky, I’ve been praying about responding to your comment, but I would like to ask a few questions first, if I may. You say in what you’ve written the reasons why your husband married you, but I feel a need to ask you why YOU married him? You say your husband is a “church goer” — what about your relationship with God… is it deeper… are you a follower of Jesus Christ? And if so, how long have you been a follower? And are your parents followers of Christ? Your answers may color my answers a different way one way or the other, as the Lord leads. Thanks for writing. I am praying for you and for anyone else who may respond to your comments.
(INDIA) I like this.
(UNITED STATES) Thanks for this article. I can relate very well. I have been married for 4 years and my husband and I were single parents when we met. I have 2 sons and he has 1. Well, when we got married, my mother-in-law would send gifts/money to my step-son but would not send monies for my sons. I talked to my husband about this and immediately she made the change but later she went back to only sending monies to my step-son.
Initially, we had the boys on our cell-phone plan but we agreed that the boys would pay their own bill when they obtained a job. Well, they all received their own plans and paid their own bill. Well, my step-son did not pay his bill and lost his service so my mother-in-law added my step-son to her plan. On the other hand, my boys are still paying their own cellphone bill.
I give the boys chores and they are expected to get them done. Well, my mother-in-law tells me that my step-son was upset because when he does not do something right I make him go back and do things over. Well, I advised her that I am the woman of my house and he is expected to do things just like the other boys. He is not treated any differently than my children. Well, she literally told me I was controlling and bossy.
Also, recently my mother-in-law made contact with my husbands ex-wife. Well, the ex-wife, my husband and, my step-son have communicated on the phone without me knowing about this. Well, I found out and I addressed my concerns with my husband, step-son and the ex-wife. No, the ex-wife is not my step-sons mother. Well, they stopped talking. When my husband and his ex-wife separated and then divorced they did not communicate until my mother-in-law made contact with her.
Then, on Facebook my Mother-in-law has the ex-wife as her first and only friend. I addressed this with my husband and he then discussed this with his mother. Well, she then decided to ask me to be her friend, which I refused because I do not have a desire to relate with my mother-in-law and my husbands ex-wife.
My step-son did not like the rules of the house so my husband moved my step-son into an apartment. Well, initially my husband and step-son made the agreement for my step-son to pay half of the bills and my husband would pay the other half. Well, my stepson quit his job and my son was left to pay all of the bills. This financial burden has contributed to my marital problems because my husband continues to provide for his son. I refuse to take care of my sons so why should he continue to take care of his son?
Well, as you can see there is a lot of annomosity because one my husband has not stood up to his mother and he has allowed others to play a factor in our marriage/household. He tells me that he has talked to his mother about her behavior but I have never heard him address her. Also, the unhealthy boundaries has contributed to our marital problems. Now, I am praying everyday and asking God to help me to resolve my feelings of hatred and anger. I continue to address this matter with God’s guidance. Thanks for listenting and allowing me to tell my stories.
(USA) Our family is a blended family, I brought 3 kids into our marriage, we have had 2 together and he is legally responsible for a child that he questions that is his. My husband’s parents go to church, his dad a Deacon. They both are very involved in their church. Yet when it comes to being there for us emotionally, spiritually or any other way they turn their backs on us.
My husband lost his job in Feb and he was our only source of income. His parents have not gone out of their way to make sure we are doing ok. Both my mom and dad have been very gracious to help us as has my husband’s grandparents. My mother-in-law went so far as to tell me that she didn’t care about my “other kids” meaning my kids that are not her blood. At Easter she got our youngest two, who are her “blood” clothes and flat out ignored my kids when she was here. This woman opens her heart to others that aren’t her blood but she cannot to children that are her son’s step kids.
How can a woman say she walks in Christ yet cause intentional emotional pain to innocent children? This woman has made threats against my children, saying she would have them taken away from me, has told me to let them go back to their dad’s and said very inappropriate things to them. And the only reason it seems to me that she does these things is because she is unable to control her son and is bitter for who he chose to marry.
My husband and I have had many problems in our marriage. For a while he had been physically & emotionally abusive to me and his behavior toward me had a horrible impact on the kids. My husband’s mother still to this day blames me and is in denial that her son was ever physical even though she witnessed it one time herself. My husband put himself into Batterer Intervention and Anger Management classes and has came a long way. I have so much bitterness and resentment toward him for what he has put us through and toward his parents for turning their back when they knew what was going on.
We both have struggled with our faith and to feel the uncaring attitude from his parents that are Christians who help their Church family hand over foot, causes even more confusion for us. How are we to overcome our struggles when there is such contradiction as an example for us from his own family? We have tried to talk to both of his parents about how we want emotional and spiritual support from them and not just around the holidays. We have asked that his mother respect us and not to meddle in our family affairs and her response is hatred and mean words about how we need to “grow up and suck it up.” Those are just some of the words that are said to us and comes from a woman who calls herself a Christian, I can’t write the rest, they are very foul in language.
How can a marriage work when the couple is up against this? I, personally myself, am filled with bitterness from all the hurt from my husband and his parents. How can I overcome my pain?
(US) I hope this is not a rambling story but it’s been so long and ongoing it will assuridly be a ramble. My mother in law has recently told us she became a Christian. She has never accepted my husband and I being married and continues the same patterns she has always done only more hidden. Christian to her means “God will get what I want for ME” and she brags on how calm her life is while she runs through our children’s and our life like a rampant elephant charging in our affairs through phone calls to our family, internet posts degrading all of us on her “secret” family web site and visits to our church where we have struggled to earn respect in our ministries.
She lies till she gets large obstacles in all relationships with my father in law, my husbands sister and his extended family. She then announces that the whole family wishes we would get a divorce to give her peace. I pray and pray and try and try.
She has befriended my husband’s ex-wife and her children (not my husbands) as her grandchildren and her best friend. Then she degrades our children and consistently trys to meddle in our church, financial and everyday affairs. She calls our home and tells me “I don’t want to talk to you.” Then professes she only called to start trouble. My husband screams at me if I show any emotion allowing her to get to me. Our pastor has told him she is doing these things as she came to the church to ask questions about us and declare how badly she is treated.
She has no life except in her torture of my husband and I. She pays TV ministers to save her soul yet has not been to church since she came to stir up gossip through her second husband. She declares she is handicapped and feels the world owes her and God more than anyone HAS to make her dreams of our divorce come true. Personally, I have no hope she will never change but my marriage is intact and Gods words are my strength.
She declares the world will end in September and that we are not saved. I think she needs institutionalized due to her inability to care for her self. She is getting worse as our marriage has survived.
We moved close to her as she told us six years ago she was dying of terminal cancer. We had a beautiful home, great jobs and happy life until we moved. My husband has not been able to get a decent job since that and we have been struggling financially. I have an opportunity to get my PhD but everytime we try to plan for it she again becomes terminally ill. I don’t want to get graphic about what she does but its not pleasant for anyone around the situation.
When questioning her physician., he commented not only was she telling a non-truth ,she was mentally unstable in his professional opinion. Her second husband will not make any effort to assist and actually acts like hes not involved.
The situation is very sad. I however, know that God is with me and Jesus will be with my family.
I ask for prayer for my husband and I and our children. I ask for prayer that she will become a kinder, gentle person in peace with love and marriage. I ask for prayer for all the wounds she has caused heal and that she can no longer wound anyone.
I ask for prayer that I genuinely keep forgiving her…as it seems so routine now I am not sure of my sincerity.
Thank you for listening & God Bless you all.
(USA) Hello, I am so blessed to have looked up what a family member on my husband’s side made a while back -as in about 9 years ago? My husband’s Uncle called and asked…”so are the “outlaws” in yet?” Little did he know it was me who answered the phone not my husband. Yes, he felt like an idiot (rather funny hearing him after he realized it was me). I knew it was snyde comment against my parents but didn’t really know the meaning. So, I am wondering what did he mean by outlaws?
So 9 years later… I look it up as my husband and I have been married for 11 years now… and my relationship and feelings toward my in laws and the entire family are only to the point of I would rather never see you again. I came across the above and now am typing away, praying for PEACE in my heart towards them. There is an extremely long history of things that they have done… I do believe the main issue is that his entire family (both sides moms and dads) live in the same city within 3 miles apart. I have found prior to our wedding that his family is rather centered around their town and family and heaven forbid them to go out of their way for out of town family.
Now, I am at the point of not even wanting to see them when we head to visit family. My husband sees what his family does but will not address it ever. I always am blamed for everything (or so it seems) until recently. My husband has thrown me under the bus before to “keep peace” in the family. In some ways I figured oh well, even if he did stick up for me in the situation where his dad made a derogatory comment towards me, then it still would be my fault. I honestly can say I would almost rather divorce my husband than to deal with his family because he doesn’t want to address anything… just avoid, avoid, avoid.
I believe in doing things for my kids sake but my heart isn’t into it this year. I just have built up too much and now, I see how they are acting with my daughter’s baptism, which we are doing up North so family can attend and pretty much my side will be the only ones to attend. We are still expected to drive 2 hours south to his home town so they can all see us… after we drive over 24 hours to see everyone. They can’t even make it to a baptism 2 hours away?
I am just throwing in the towel… I have chatted many times about we need a family meeting- this was prior to the kiddos (5 years ago), but my husband never wants to address it. They are so self centered (always have been) so maybe I made the mistake ages ago. I know you shouldn’t try to change people as in the family, but it was easier when kids weren’t in the picture. They definitely treat our kids different than my husband’s sisters’ kids. His grandmother even said she would do for our kids the same thing she does for the step grand kids… a while back. I just tried to move on from the comment… I cannot change her just accept it, right?
Well, I can’t accept this anymore. I try to talk to my husband about this but I can see he is hurt by his family so I do not want to harp. However, I need some type of closure before we go up North. I am not able to be fake to his family. My husband just wants to go up -visit (for a WEEK), let the kids see everyone, then leave. Sometimes I feel like he agreeing to their behavior by doing this.
I personally cannot take it anymore. If they came to the Baptism we still were going to see them for a whole week out of the 2 weeks we are up North. Now, it looks like no one is coming up North for the Baptism, but still expects us down there for a week. We will do this no matter what for his mom (who cannot travel). But I am not going to the Grandparents place if they can’t travel to the Baptism and yes, they can travel.
I can’t believe the person I am becoming… not to mention his dad hasn’t even acknowledged my second son’s birthday ever, until a phone call this year for his 3rd birthday! All parties are Christians and I really do not believe in divorce but… argh. I just can’t deal with this. I feel alone. My parents saw this before the marriage and did warn me, but… I love my husband. My husband used my family as references once and I asked why he didn’t use his dad. He said because I am closer to your family than mine. This is sad… they need to talk. How do I push this before my BIG MOUTH finally opens up when we are visiting. You can hurt me, push me, etc… but when you start treating my kids different and never acknowledge them, that is when the protective momma comes out.
(UNITED STATES) I am so thankful I came across this page. I don’t know when I’ll find peace with my mother in law, don’t even know if I want it at this point. She has hurt my husband so much and she keeps on referring to me as evil, Jezebel like and everything in between.
To top it off, she has befriended his child’s mother (whom she despised, until I put a stop to her controlling habits). I’m not trying to dictate her life, but she has a hard time understanding that my husband, her son, does not agree with the relationship she has with his ex-wife, who is currently taking him to court for the 5th time based upon ludicrous accusations. We’re tired and my husband feels betrayed… what to do?
I pray for the Lord to guide me and grant me peace and serenity… but gosh darn it, it’s hard! Help me understand so that I can have peace in my life and within myself.
(UNITED STATES) It will be 6 years in October since I have been married, and the last 2 years have been a struggle. Well I’m dealing with my husband stating that he has low testostrone and this is causing the lack of sex in the marriage. This has drastically bothered me. And now come to find out he and his ex-wife have been texting/calling each other every month. His reason is because they have 2 daughters. He states she calls or texts only when there is a problem –so you tell me there is a problem every month? Well the daughters are not babies, they are 22 & 24. Old enough to handle things on their own. I understand if there is a dying emergency yes please do call. But gee whiz every month and then not tell me.
Well, our pastor and wife have talked with us, but I need to hear some opinions about this. Very angry with a lot of resentment inside right now. Please reply with comments.
If you still read this forum, I pray That you are doing better! I have been going through the same marital problems; I pray that God restores your intimacy with husband. And I pray the same for mine.
(CROATIA) @Debbie: Debbie, I’m sorry your husband hasn’t been straight forward with you about what’s going on. I’m not going to comment on the sex life as I have no experience with my husband rejecting (and hope I never will!) but I can say something about his ex and the communication there.
Considering the girls are 22 and 24, I really don’t see a point in them talking, of course there are exceptions: emergencies, well being of the girls (if mom thinks they are involved in something; drugs, alcohol, bad relationship). If I was in your position, I’d sit down with hubby and ask what happened and why she needed to talk to him, and make sure he is specific about it. Tell him that you trust him and that in no way are you thinking that he is trying to be unfaithful, but that you are interested and you could add onto that, that those girls are your step kids and that you do want to be involved and see if you can help with a problem that’s going on, since obviously their bio-mom can’t and is asking bio-dad for help.
As far as you claiming “they can handle things on their own” (because they are not babies, 22 and 24 years old), I have to dissagree with you on that. I was fully independant by age 18. I had to travel the world by 16 alone to countries where they didn’t speak my native language nor English. But that is what “matured” me at a young age, I lived alone for 6 months at age 18, I had to learn how to cook, clean, wash, take care of bills, control financial issues, etc… Maybe their mom (who they grew up with) never put pressure on them to “take responsibility and grow up”. Perhaps their mom is calling their dad because (just an example) one of the girls got a car lease and now she is stuck and having a hard time paying for it and needs ex’s help/advice (weather financially or just advice). I did say I wasn’t gonna comment on the sex life, but perhaps all this is causing him stress and when stresses he just can’t relax and give himself to you. But that’s where you come in, to relax him, go for walks, go fishing (if he likes that), have a picknic, do stuff that will take his mind off of things. If you are a couple that are not all “outdoorsy” then get with some friends and go with them, next time around just the 2 of you can go alone.
My husband talks to his ex, but that’s only once a week. They have a 4 year old girl so they kind of have to. But yes, I do have a problem when she called one time at 10 pm!!! Her excuse was “she was working.” Well, sorry, but it could wait until tomorrow. Anyway, non relevant to your case, but try not to think right off the bat as it being something negative or a conspiracy. In the end, I think you should spend some time with them and your husband, to feel more comfortable. Why not invite the girls for dinner one time? Just a thought… good luck! :)
(IRELAND) Ladies, whatever you are going through, sometimes it is needed to test your faith. The most important and sad thing is don’t be so desperate to be married especially to unbeliever. Of course you will experience unnecessary stress once you are married if you accept an unbeliever. Please read 2 Corinthians 6:14-18. Please sisters in CHRIST, read and obey GOD’s word. JESUS said we will know the truth and it will set us free. For all who are already in the bad marriage situations, continue to read the Bible, try to meditate on building your peace and trusting GOD, LET HIM GUIDE YOU. HE is well able to sort your life out for you & HE IS DEPENDABLE. I know this will help you.
(USA) Hello everyone. Hope everyone is in great health and hopefully many for their prayers answered. I’m going through a questionable phase… I got married a year ago, have been with him for 4 years in total. He is from a different country, the eldest son of three. He never got the chance to finish past elementary school because he was forced to work at an early age, since his father being an alcoholic, spend most of the money in his addiction and his mother, has never, ever worked in her lifetime; blaming it on her depression. So he’s worked since a kid, moved to the USA when he turned 20. He worked over 100 hours weekly, nonstop. He has been sustaining them his whole life. Built the house his family lives in, paid for everything, his sisters healthcare as well as his brothers, and his mothers… And even his alcoholic father.
So we meet when I’m 20, he’s 27. We date, we fall in love, we get engaged and eventually move in together. I see the situation, and try to analyze it.
1. His sister, after my husband’s struggle to give her the education he couldn’t get, drops out of school. She had no desire to finish; she wanted to enjoy life. She has never had to work for anything, and till this day she never finished, and is not working. She is a party goer, leaves the house whenever she wants, with different men every other week, and disappears for weeks. Well, now the girl is pregnant. Single, uneducated, unemployed and living at home.
2. His brother, is mentally handicapped due to a doctors mistake when he was born. He receives a monthly pension. His money is taken away from him and used by his mother to pay bill etc.
3. His old aged aunt, lives there, as well. But at least she cleans around the house, cooks does laundry etc. She is in constant conflict with his mom.
4. His mother sleeps till 12, 1 pm every day, doesn’t clean, doesn’t cook, doesn’t do anything at all. She is constantly reminding my husband to send her money to fix the house, to paint the walls, to pay her pharmacy bills, and send her gifts. She even mentioned to him. Once we became engaged, she felt threatened because he would forget to send her money and take care of her. She asked him to make a commitment of sending her a pension every month. Mind you she is not even 50 years old. And now she is pressuring him for more money, telling him whatever happens to her will be on his account –that it’s his responsibility to pay her medical bills. She keeps saying she doesn’t want to live, she wants him to go back to his country. She keeps telling him her life has no meaning and keeps saying all sorts of things just to manipulate him.
5. His father works to pay his habit. He is drunk 24/7. In the past 4 years plus, I’ve never had seen him nor heard him sober, through the video chats and phone calls.
So, ever since I’ve been with my now husband, I’ve bought computers, expensive make up kits, clothes, parfums, furniture, cameras, music players, shoes, sent money almost every month, 300+. Most of these get stolen during the shipping process, so it’s money wasted because we have to buy the same articles and send them again.
During the same time, my mother who is a single woman, is living on her own. Older, almost 60, she is on her own, unlike my husband’s mother… Well, my mom has been helped only after I spoke to him about the ordeal. Out of the thousands already sent to his family, only 600 has been given to my mother. Not fair, right? So now I said to him it’s either 50/50 or it’s nothing to either.
His mother and sister used to adore me, because I was blindfolded and kept giving them what they wanted until I realized they are fit to work and mend on their own. Especially now his sister is expecting us to support her throughout her pregnancy and afterwards. I put a stop to it.
After his mom during a chat said that he is her son so he has to take care of her, I couldn’t hold it any longer and mentioned to her that she bore a son and not a slave and that it is her husband’s responsibility to get help and support her monetarily. She doesn’t consider me the greatest anymore and wants her son to go back to Brazil and be with her. She complained her life is meaningless, it’s the worst and she wishes to die. But how does she dare speak like that when there are millions wishing to be in her place? She’s never lifted a finger, not even to clean her house! She is not going hungry! She is even over weight!!
I’m very frustrated because the only thing they do is ask for more and more money. They live in an over 1/2 million dollar home in Brazil that their son built, and supported them until now. Isn’t that enough for them? How many people in the world are dying from hunger diseases etc. and this lady is manipulating her son because he won’t make the compromise of sending her a pension!?!?
We’ve gone through months when our fridge was empty, only a gallon of water, when our account was only $4. We have no savings. And now I’m the bad one because enough is enough.
I’ve prayed; I’ve mentioned to them about God and to look more to Him. He is the light, the way, the path to happiness. They don’t care. They only care for money. They frustrate me. What will happen when I have my kids?
(USA) I am a godly woman who raised my son alone. I do believe in leaving and cleaving, however what this biblical verse does not address is men who have become manipulated by jealous, self-centered bratty children who think they know everything about life and need no one but their spouse. Sorry, that is very wrong.
Many children today show no respect, do not honor or respect their parents for anything that they have been handed. Along comes a wife and you are left with nothing but an empty bedroom with no contact because that would mean they are not the center of attention. I have had to pray a hedge of protection around my home from such things as well as do spiritual warfare against my daughter in law and immature godly children.
Grow wise in God and everything else falls into place. Just because you’re married does not mean God intended this verse as manipulation over your partner. If you’re walking with God there would not be so much attention needed on how to run away from your parents.