“There are times when joking with friends the words can roll off the tongue without thinking. It may be that you say something you didn’t mean to say, or you say it in a way that sounds mean. Often, we make light of the awkward situation by saying, ‘Just kidding.’”
Have you seen this happen with a couple you know? Perhaps, you’ve even been involved in this back-and-forth exchange with your own spouse. Sadly, we have; and Debi Walter and her husband Tom (from The Romantic Vineyard) have, as well. And they regret it as much as we do! It’s insensitive and we’ve learned the hard way that it can cause disturbing marriage relationship problems.
For that reason, we’re sharing more of what Debi writes on this issue that we all can benefit from reading:
Just Kidding?
“Just kidding” is a phrase used often. It is said when the person really is just kidding. Laughter erupts with everyone in the room. However, there are times when this phrase is said, and one person is the brunt of the “just kidding” words spoken. One person may try to laugh it off—the one who said the thing. But to the one who heard the words, it’s like a dagger to the heart. They aren’t laughing. Oh, they may laugh on the outside, but on the inside, there are tears of pain, of humiliation, of all sorts of bad things.
When this happens in a marriage the pain is only more intense because the one who knows you best is betraying you by leaving you vulnerable and exposed in public.
This may sound harsh. But it isn’t our heart to be harsh, only to address a very real problem that can be a blind spot in many marriages. Here’s a scenario:
A couple is at a dinner party with friends. The evening is full of laughter and fun when one wife comments, “The flowers on the table are gorgeous. Where did you get them?”
“Oh, my husband bought them for me last week and they’ve stayed fresh all this time. I just love them.”
Another wife chimes in putting her arm around her husband’s neck, “If my husband ever bought me flowers it would be at my funeral.” She laughs and everyone else joins in, yet there is a sting in the air.
When the wife sees the expression on her husband’s face she says, “I was just kidding.”
These types of situations happen in marriage because two sinners got married. We shouldn’t be surprised when we treat each other this way at times.
Is This Healthy?
What we do after a time like this though, determines if our marriage is on a healthy path or a slippery slope.
A marriage on a healthy path would bring this scenario up later when the two are alone. The husband would say, “You know when you said that about the flowers tonight, I felt embarrassed. It wasn’t funny to me.”
A marriage on a slippery slope would not bring the situation up at all, letting the sting penetrate the heart. Or the husband may retaliate with a stinger back to her in front of their friends. Both responses only add to the damage done.
We must purpose before getting in situations like these to never put each other in a bad light. If there are hurts or disappointments—which there will be—make sure you talk about these things in private. If you happen to be the one who said the hurtful words in front of others, humble yourself and repent. You should also go to your friends and repent to them for speaking ill of your spouse making the moment awkward for them.
These are growing moments in your relationship, but growth is stunted if we don’t learn from our mistakes. The next time you use the words, I was just kidding, make sure you really are.
How have you handled moments like these? Has your marriage learned and grown stronger as a result? Or are you in need of making some things, right?
Just Kidding? Please Note:
This kind of hurtful humor is worse if you do this to your spouse in front of friends. If you shrug it off saying, “Just kidding,” you have a choice to make.
1. Humble yourself and apologize to your spouse for putting them in a bad light; then apologize to your friends for hurting your spouse. Both exhibit your love and care for them.
2. Or you can deny any wrongdoing and tell your spouse they’re being too sensitive. After all, you were just kidding.
The first choice represents a spouse who desires what’s best for their partner.
The second choice represents a spouse who cares more what others think of them than hurting and/or embarrassing the one they’re called to love.
We all say things we don’t mean at one time or another.
In our marriage we have both done this to each other more than we’d like to admit. But we shouldn’t be surprised—we are both a work in progress. We will never arrive at doing this marriage relationship perfectly.
When this has happened to us, we don’t say anything in the moment; we wait until we are alone and say something like this:
“Tonight, when you said this about me in front of our friends it made me feel (fill in the blank).”
When Tom is leaning in to learn how to love and care for me, he will apologize. It doesn’t matter if he agrees or not—if he made me feel that way, it hurts him to realize he did this. And when I’ve said more than I needed to say and put Tom in a bad light, he will do the same with me—talk to me in private. Honestly, my first reaction can often be to say, “No, I didn’t!” But this isn’t leaning in to learn and grow. It’s being defensive which never leads to growth and humility.
The Bible instructs us…
“There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” (Proverbs 12:18 ESV) “Whoever keeps his mouth, and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble.” (Proverbs 21:23 ESV)
Let’s take these verses to heart and ask God to help us when we blurt out something hurtful.
To read more of what Debi and Tom Walter share with those who are married, we encourage you to visit The Romantic Vineyard web site. It’s one of our favorites!
To add to this subject, we wrote a few things on this matter that we also encourage you to read:
In Closing
We pray that we ALL take that, which is written here, to heart and do what we can to stop participating in this type of hurtful behavior. And if we did it anyway, we hope you will join us in privately working with our spouse to repent, repair and reconcile with each other in humility.
“May the Lord make you increase and abound in love for one another and for all, as we do for you, so that he may establish your hearts blameless in holiness before our God and Father, at the coming of our Lord Jesus with all his saints.” (1 Thessalonians 3:12-13)
Cindy and Steve Wright
— ADDITIONALLY —
To help you even further, we give a lot of personal stories, humor, and more practical tips in our book, 7 ESSENTIALS to Grow Your Marriage. We hope you will pick up a copy for yourself. (It’s available both electronically and in print form.) Plus, it can make a great gift for someone else. It gives you the opportunity to help them grow their marriage. And who doesn’t need that? Just click on the linked title or the picture below:
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