Here’s a hard fact to prayerfully consider. We are not promised tomorrow. We may live like this is so; but it isn’t! Who knows what the next hour/day will bring? As someone once said, “no breath beyond the current is promised.” That’s one of many reasons why keeping short “accounts” with each other is important, as far as quickly resolving our marital differences.
Also, it’s important to look for ways to express our love to our spouse “in this moment.” Keep loving relationships current in words and actions.
This particular marriage issue brings to mind an article posted on this web site, which is written by a dear friend, David Knapp. It’s not a fun subject to think about but it’s important. The article is titled, When Death ‘Parts’ Us. It brings home all the more why keeping short accounts in your disagreements between you and your spouse is important. You never know when one of you will be ending his or her life here on earth. Not living with regrets is so important for the surviving spouse!
Keeping Short Accounts with No Regrets
David lost two wonderful wives to cancer. His first wife’s name was Ruth —someone Steve and I loved and respected a lot. Her compassion and tenderness in the Lord was contagious. Our kids went to the same school for a while. We also saw each other at times because of the ministries we were involved in, within the same city. Whenever we were together it was always such a positive and wonderful experience. We will always treasure the memories of these experiences.
And then, years later, we had the opportunity to meet Judith (who David met and married several years after Ruth died). She was a vibrant, beautiful woman, inside and out. We both were thinking, who couldn’t love her immediately? We sure did. She personally helped us with prodigal issues she had experienced, and we were presently experiencing. Judith was very vulnerable and truthful. She cried with us as parents who prayed for our “children.” And she encouraged us in ways we will never forget. Judith and David beamed together in love with their passion to share Jesus with everyone God brought their way. Together, they were a true inspiration!
The fact that David then lost this precious wife is so difficult to imagine. It has stunned us all. But through it all, David has been incredibly open with his feelings, his struggles, and his journey during and afterward. As a result, we and a whole world of people have been enlightened and inspired greatly.
Keeping Short Accounts With No Regrets
One of the many points David brought out that we’d like to point to is his statement where he wrote:
“Keep all relationships current. To this day, I have no relationship regrets with either Ruth or Judith because we lived out our relationships with short, current accounts.”
This is GREAT ADVICE. It’s something we wish all married couples could embrace and follow!
Keeping Short Accounts in Our Own Marriage
I’m reminded of a short piece I was asked to write to contribute to the book titled, “Marriage on the Mend” (by Clint and Penny Bragg). In my part of it, I talked about the same principle David referred to in his article. Steve and I have learned a lot of important principles (the hard way), which continually keep our marriage growing and vital. One of them is:
We have learned to keep shorter “accounts.” This doesn’t mean that we keep score so much on who does what, but that we both make efforts to repair the tension faster. We also work through our issues thoroughly. It’s important that we don’t let problems mount up.
Something else that has helped us is we have a commitment to pray together every morning. It’s difficult to hold hands and pray together if we haven’t repaired our relationship beforehand. At the very least we have to have a good working start on repairing it. I’m sure that commitment has helped us in MANY ways. This includes the fact that God answers prayer. The old saying is true, “the couple who [earnestly] prays together stays together.”
Recommending Keeping Short Accounts
If you and your spouse haven’t yet learned to “keep short accounts” with each other, we can’t recommend it highly enough. It’s a good goal to have. Dave and his wives learned this important principle and we have too. And because of this, we have no (or very few) regrets.
When we first heard about doing this (many years into our marriage) it was a tough thing for us to do. We had developed unhealthy habits of stuffing, avoiding, and verbally jumping on each other. We didn’t even consider sitting down to talk issues through when it wasn’t a H.A.L.T. Time. (That is when we weren’t Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired.) We both had a lot of sore feelings that had accumulated over the years.
But when we started to work through the accumulated stuff, we got to a better side of it all. Eventually there wasn’t much that was hidden waiting to jump out to dump out onto the other. But we confess that things were quite upsetting for a while. Yet we were determined that we HAD to clear out the baggage.
So, for a “season” we fought through a lot of old stuff to clear the air that was horribly stinking things up in our marriage relationship.
Keeping Short Accounts Has Its Benefits
But because we did this, we got to a much better place in our relationship. We now keep our “accounts” with each other MUCH shorter so we’re less volatile when we argue. Together, we work out our differences BEFORE they can get to the wrecking ball stage. We aim at not being hysterical OR historical with each other.
And that’s what we hope for you in your marriage. Please don’t allow yourself to accumulate resentment and angst towards each other. To the best of your ability, aim to be healthy in your communication with each other.
Someone once said, “Your relationship will only be as healthy as the least emotionally healthy person in your marriage. Aim to be the healthiest one.” It’s not a contest, but rather a good personal goal.
We’re told in Romans 12:18, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” Of course, the “all” written in the Bible, includes your spouse. You can’t MAKE your spouse live with you in peaceable ways and join you to keep your “accounts” short. But hopefully, he or she will eventually want to join you in this mission. Yet no matter what, you CAN do your part in doing the best you can, with the Holy Spirit as your “Wonderful Counselor.”
Keeping Short Accounts in Forgiveness
As we conclude on this point that David Knapp made on this issue, we’re closing with something Bill and Pam Farrell wrote and also something Sabrina Beasley wrote. It’s important to note:
“We have no guarantee of tomorrow. So, if at all possible, compromise. Give up your right to be right all the time. Settle the issue [in reasonable timing] and get to the making up! It’s better to walk away more in love than to regret your anger if tomorrow doesn’t come for the two of you.” (Bill & Pam Farrell)
Also:
“Keep short accounts and extend forgiveness regularly. Nothing will ruin a desire to be with your spouse faster than resentment and bitterness. In return, it also ruins your spouse’s desire to be with you. Fights are going to happen in marriage; there’s no way around it. But you can choose to handle these conflicts in the right way and build up your marriage instead of tearing it down.
“In Ephesians 4:31-32, the apostle Paul exhorts, ‘Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.‘”
We pray all of this ministers to you, as it has us.
Cindy and Steve Wright
P.S. We also want you to know that David Knapp is doing well and has since fallen in love again with another wonderful woman. He and Crystal have been married (happily so) for several years and are ministering to people all over the world. Again, God continually amazes us in all He can do in us and through us!
— ADDITIONALLY —
To help you even further, we give a lot of personal stories, humor, and more practical tips in our book, 7 ESSENTIALS to Grow Your Marriage. We hope you will pick up a copy for yourself. (It’s available both electronically and in print form.) Plus, it can make a great gift for someone else. It gives you the opportunity to help them grow their marriage. And who doesn’t need that? Just click on the linked title or the picture below:
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