The following article comes from the book, Beloved Unbeliever, which is written to women with spouses who are unbelievers. However, the principles outlined in this article apply to every spouse who wants to leave because of abuse. Please prayerfully read and consider what the author Jo Berry has to say, about leaving your spouse because of abuse. (Afterward, please read the linked article written by Leslie Vernick, which is important to also consider.)
Jo Berry begins this portion of the book by citing the scriptures in 1 Corinthians 7:15. She explains that letting the spouse “leave” goes beyond physically leaving the marriage. As you read the article you’ll better understand the scripture:
But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. (1 Corinthians 7:15)
God Understands
Rather than demanding that an unequally yoked wife stay in a situation where she is abusively oppressed, our Lord gives her an option. He does this because, “Just as a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him. For He Himself knows our frame; He is mindful that we are but dust” (Psalm 103:13-14). He understands her humanity and takes pity on her.
A Christian woman who is facing emotional or physical abuse needs to understand both the terminology and the implications in this verse. She can then act on it within the dictates of her own common sense and conscience. The word “leave,” as it is used in 1 Corinthians 7:15, means to depart or let go. While this most obviously refers to a physical separation, the concept of letting go embodies more than physical absence.
Thought Precedes Action
Since thought always precedes action, I believe we can assume that abuse and cruelty are outward manifestations reflecting a mental state of abandonment of the essence of the marriage. So, although Paul is dealing with physical separation, certainly there can also be a psychological severing, an emotional letting go, that is just as devastating and real as a mate’s actual departure.
Scripture does not deal specifically with this problem of abuse, but Christ’s attitude and certain biblical statements can help us draw conclusions about how to respond to it. The Gospels are saturated with statements about and examples of Jesus’ compassion. He was especially tender toward women and children. Think of how gently He approached the woman at the well, how respectful He was to the woman caught in adultery. Consider also how He met Mary’s needs by teaching her as she sat at His feet. And then think of how, during excruciating agony on the cross, He committed His mother to the care of His friend, John.
Christ’s Example
In the fifth chapter of Ephesians, the apostle Paul commanded husbands to “love [their] wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25) and to “love their own wives as their own bodies“ (Ephesians 5:28). Christ, in love, sacrificed His life for the church. This example is the antithesis of abuse.
It appears, then, that any man that constantly mistreats and maligns his wife, who wounds her psychologically and/or physically, has “let go” and departed from the intent of his marriage vows. He may be living under the same roof and sleeping in the same bed with her, but if he neglects her needs and destroys her as a person by attacking her body, soul, or spirit, mentally he has left! If he is cold, cruel, and uncaring, he has already separated himself from her, even if he shares a house with her. In his sick mind, the relationship is over.
Act of Leaving Spouse
The idea of leaving, then, can legitimately include the unbelieving husband mentally and/or emotionally abandoning his wife. The final act of “leaving” may mean he will physically remove himself, but the psychological process leading up to that moment may manifest itself in ongoing abusive conduct.
The Bible says that when this happens a Christian wife is to let him leave. The Lord does not expect or want her to suffer mental or bodily harm at the hands of a husband who is supposed to sacrificially love her. God does not want her to be oppressed or incapacitated by fear. Quite the contrary, “the sister is not under bondage in such cases“ (1 Corinthians 7:15), and any woman who is physically harmed or verbally belittled, insulted, or harassed by her husband is under bondage. Any wife whose husband controls her mind and activities with threats or brutality is enslaving her.
Freedom in Christ
In this same chapter, Paul reminds us, “You were bought with a price; do not become slaves of men” (1 Corinthians 7:23). God did not buy an unequally yoked wife out of the slave market of sin so she could be under bondage to another human being. He purchased her with the blood of Christ and freed her so she could voluntarily become His bond-servant.
She has to draw the line if her husband consistently oppresses her, by whatever means. In Luke 14:26, Jesus said, “If anyone comes to Me, and does not hate[the comparison of her love for Me, her] own father and mother and[husband] and children and brothers and sisters, yes, even [her] own life, [she] cannot be my disciple.” She has the right and responsibility to choose freedom impossible for her to fulfill her Christian calling.
Submission is Voluntary
We have already seen that submission is voluntarily choosing to yield or surrender to someone. When God instructs wives to subject themselves to their husbands, He is asking them to surrender to their husbands’ love and God-given position. Nowhere does Scripture imply that the Lord expects a wife to accede to verbal castigation or physical assault.
Many times women who are in this position convince themselves that they would be unsubmissive if they fled. So, instead of retreating and protecting themselves and their children (who may be scarred for life from exposure to continual abuse), they become passive; but passivity is not the same as submission. Whereas submission is voluntary, passivity is forced oppression. Whereas submission allows for individual dignity, passivity breeds self-hatred, and eventually a wife who subjects herself to abuse starts believing that she deserves it!
Why Victims Stay
She convinces herself there is no way out and that she is only getting what she has coming to her. This is especially pronounced in cases where Christian women knowingly married unbelievers. Frequently they stay to punish themselves, to pay the penalty for their sin. Their attitude is: I got myself into this, now I’m stuck with it. So, they become passive. It is vitally important that a woman who suffers maltreatment in her marriage draw the distinction between submission and passivity.
Also, some women stay because of guilt. They believe that their faith in Christ is the reason for their husband’s abusiveness, so they think that staying is a cross they must bear —part of their suffering for Christ. They need to realize that there is an immense difference between being persecuted for the Lord and for righteousness’ sake, and being physically or emotionally abused by a man who is a tyrant.
Although, an unbelieving husband might use his wife’s faith as an excuse for attacking her, that is not the real reason. Men who batter or consistently demean their wives are emotionally ill. The emotionally yoked wife who is being vilified by her husband does not have to submit to his tirades. God does not ask her to yield to outrageous attacks.
False Assumptions
Sometimes a Christian woman who is being harmed by her mate stays with him. She believes the Lord will protect her no matter what her husband does. Candy thought that, until Glen shot her. Eleanor thought that, until Ed fractured her back and skull when he threw her down the stairs. Emily thought that, until Howard burned down their house. He was spaced out on pot and booze and fell asleep on the sofa with a lighted cigarette in his band. Their three-month-old daughter suffered severe burns over 30% of her body and was in the hospital for months.
Claudia thought that, until she had a mental breakdown. Her children had to be put in foster homes while she recovered. That happened because the court ruled that her husband was not a fit father.
Like Begets Like
If there are children involved, the repercussions of living under such disparaging conditions can leave them with lifelong scars. Scripture teaches the importance of example. We are warned not to associate with fools, liars, fornicators, idolaters, blasphemers, or hot-tempered people. If we do we may end up imitating their behavior. Statistics show that many parents who are child abusers, and many batterers were themselves mistreated as children. Many abusers came from homes where one or both parents were abusive. Like begets like. Removing herself and her children from danger isn’t selfish, isn’t sinful, isn’t unsubmissive —it’s smart.
God hasn’t called the wife to live in a spirit of fear and instability but of “power, and of love, and of a sound mind” (2 Timothy 1:7). He hasn’t chosen her to live in a state of confusion, not knowing what to say or do next, or what tirades her well-intentioned responses might bring. “God is not a God of confusion but of peace“ (1 Corinthians 14:33) and “has called [her] peace“ (1 Corinthians 7:15).
The above article comes from the terrific book, Beloved Unbeliever: Loving Your Husband into the Faith
— ALSO —
On Leslie Vernick’s web site, she answers the question on whether or not scripture leaving your spouse because of abuse. I highly recommend you read it:
• SCRIPTURE SUPPORTS SEPARATION FROM A DESTRUCTIVE SPOUSE
Filed under: Abuse in Marriage
(USA) This is the best commentary on the subject I have read. It describes perfectly what happens in the mind of a Christian woman who is faced with this situation. It gave me peace and hope. Whenever I fade back into the denial and the lies that Satan tells me about this matter, I’m reminded of the truth of Scriptures. God cares and loves us so much, he will always provide a way of escape, so we may bear up under the circumstances. Thank you for making this pearl of wisdom available to all of my sisters. God Bless you.
(USA) It is a very good link and story to read BUT let’s not forget that women often abuse MEN TOO! If you believe otherwise you do so erroneously.
(USA) I married my husband Zach 6 months ago. I met him on a casual dating site when we were living in different states. He lived in the state I was born in, where my mom and distant relatives live as well. My mom had been trying to get me to move back to my home state for years. I have had many hardships living away from my family, even being homeless. I was once again about to be homeless but still did not want to go home. Then I met my future husband. I told him I was thinking of moving there. He was all for it. I told my mom I was moving there. She couldn’t believe it. I soon learned I would have no place to stay. My mom lived with my grandmother in a small apartment and apparently my grandmother implied she had no room for me. More relatives said the same thing, blaming their dislike for my dad being the reason I couldn’t stay with them. I found a room to rent in a few places, but it just so happened the place that called me back the soonest was right in Zach’s neighborhood.
We dated for 2 weeks before we got engaged. We didn’t have intercourse before marrying but spent every day and night together since we met face to face. We eloped another 2 weeks later. After our engagement my landlord turned out to be evil and I had to move in with Zach because I had no other place to go nearby and had recently found a job. My uncle and an aunt would’ve let me stay with them but I did not want to because they were both in a very bad part of town.
After I moved in with Zach things turned sour 100%. He would leave to go to a friends house not far away and stay there until late while I was at his place, he shared with 2 friends, by myself. I couldn’t go anywhere unless he took me or gave me permission to use his car. There were no buses where we lived. He would put me down constantly and call me names and I would do the same and even hit him. It got so bad I would go to work but just stand around all day clearly depressed. I got fired.
He started smoking marijuana. Before we married he said he hadn’t smoked in a long time and didn’t want to do it again. I told him I detested drugs. He later confessed he had smoked marijuana before we married. So early in the marriage I told him we should get an annulment and start over. He didn’t want to do that. He accused me of being ungodly and the cause of our problems. When he would make me mad I would punch him or kick him. I once tried to push him down the stairs. After I would calm down he would get really mad that I hit him and push me. Once after another time I had hit him and he got mad and put his finger in my face. I moved it with my finger and he squeezed my finger badly spraining it. I told him during a break up fight I had cheated but later said I was just mad. I’ve also implied that my dad would hurt him if he ever did anything to me. I quit college and my new job to move with him to another state to stay with his dad who walked out on him when he was 1. They often talked on the phone. Initially he was going to abandon me and go alone. After talking to my mom’s pastor he decided to take me. He didn’t get along with his dad and we moved back 6 days later. I still have to pay back a $6000 loan for classes I didn’t finish.
Then 3 weeks later we separated for a month, after he locked me out the house. One morning, when he opened the door, I punched him. He called the cops and I took our laptop he calls his and ran down the street with it. He caught me and took it back. The cops came and he told them I hit him. They were going to arrest me but he changed his story. They made me leave.
I had found a room to rent an hour away with a Christian woman and she was going to pick me up that morning. Zach didn’t know this. He thought I left, not having a place to go to. He called me that same day and we talked and everyday after that. He would call several times a day letting me know he was trying to enroll in school and get a job. My new roommate took me to her church for a singles weekend. I was relunctant but went and learned so much. I got saved shortly after and wanted to save my marriage. Zach always said he was saved and had the Holy Spirit, but his actions towards me says otherwise. I had been saved before when I was younger but had stopped seeking God.
Zach saw a change in me. I had found another job but didn’t think I would like it so I only wanted to keep it until I had money to go back to the state where I grew up. I was seeing a Christian counselor. Zach and I got back together after I kept telling him God hates divorce. When we married he was no more saved than I was. My counselor and pastor thought moving in was too soon but we did anyway because of financial problems. Zach went to counseling once after we moved in. He was mad at me that day for spending money in my own account. He put me down in front of the counselor! She suggested we seek counseling individually for a while. She later told me I have to leave or things will get worse.
Zach says we have an unequally yoked marriage even though I’ve rededicated myself to Jesus. We have been living together for 3 weeks now. I lost my job right before we moved in. I have not found another job yet and told Zach yesterday I will not get money from school until the Fall when I was going to get it next week. He has been saying since we moved in that I haven’t changed.
By the second week I was cursing at him again. I have not hit him. I’ve repented for being mean to him recently but it’s hard. He still puts me down and says I’m not saved. He says he is but I don’t believe so. All he does is talk about the end times and listens to shows with preachers talking about the end times. He goes to church on Sundays.
When we were separated I prayed daily for God’s will to be done in our marriage. I read my Bible for hours daily, went to Bible study, and prayed. I have neglected some of those things. Zach left yesterday morning when I was asleep and took some of his things. He didn’t contact me until the early hours of the morning today. He once again said we were unequally yoked because of me not being saved according to him. His mother who is racist (I am black and he’s white) says she’s a Christian but has been against our marriage since the beginning. He listens to her when she says we’re too different. He just thinks she doesn’t want us to be together because I’ve hit him but she knows things he’s done to me, and the problems I have with him are some of the same problems she has with him. She curses, yells, and really sadly to say says some of the things I’ve said to him.
I’m stuck with this apartment alone with no way to pay the rent tomorrow and he has moved out pretty much. He does not provide. He says he’s saved but his actions constantly say otherwise. He has held a grudge against me since we started dating. Are we unequally yoked? He thinks I’m not saved and I think he’s not saved. Does God want us to divorce? Were my prayers not answered when we were separated and I prayed for God’s will to be done? Did I get back with him against God’s will? I also prayed for us to get this apartment if it’s His will. Do I move on and start the divorce process and go back to my state? Am I really saved when I find it so hard to be saved when being married to my husband? I don’t know what to do. I love and want him but do not like the way he treats me most of the time.
(USA) Kinesha, If I didn’t know that the Lord specializes in doing that which is impossible, I would say that your marriage doesn’t have a chance of ever being a good one or being restored. But I have seen miracles and know that when spouses open their eyes to the truth that God will reveal when we seek it, that which looks hopeless, turns around. How I pray that for you!
I encourage you to look over what you have written several times, with new eyes. Ask God to reveal to you that which YOU should work on. Right now, take your eyes off of your husband’s faults and that which he does that contributes to the problems. I hope you can. I believe if you look at it again, you will see much that needs changing.
What I see is that you and your husband brought a lot of deep hurts into your marriage, and probably a lot of unrealistic expectations and limited (if any) knowledge as to how to resolve conflicts in healthy ways. Part of this might be because of your past and poor role modeling. This wasn’t your fault that others hurt instead of helped you, but it happened.
You obviously weren’t ready for the responsibilities and difficulties that come with marriage and the maturity it takes to get used to living with another person who will bump into you in ways that cause hurt and anger. It’s natural to encounter conflict. But it’s what you do with it that makes the difference in how good the marriage can be and whether it will last in our world today.
Kinesha, I’m concerned for you if you DON’T start heading in a healthier direction. I sense so much hurt under the surface, ready to explode over the top. It’s so very, very sad how much you have been rejected in your past. NO ONE deserves this type of treatment. It should never have been. My heart goes out to you that you have experienced this and grieves for you that not only have you been hurt in the past, but your past is still causing hurt in your present and future. Somehow, you need to learn how to properly let go of past (and present) rejection, as difficult as that will be, and stand up with the Lord by your side, as a confident child of God who is very loved, and approach life in that manner. Today can be the beginning of a whole new life — a better one than ever thought possible.
You say that you find it hard “to be saved” when you are married to your husband. Actually, it’s not that you are no longer a Christian when you do things you shouldn’t, it’s that you aren’t LIVING IT OUT in ways that you should. And you’re right, marriage DOES make it difficult to live out what we say we believe. But isn’t that normal? It’s easy to SAY we believe something and want to live in a certain way, but “when the rubber meets the road” as the old saying goes, our words are put to the test. It’s MUCH more difficult to live it that to say it.
What I perceive, as I read your comment, is that you came into your marriage very wounded by your past. That is probably why you lash out at your husband. But you need to face the fact that this is abusive behavior. You are giving yourself permission to hurt your husband for piling more hurt upon your (already) wounded feelings. That’s probably why your counselor told you to go separately into counseling for a while, so you can work on your issues and he can work on his. Somehow, you have to sort through your issues and learn ways NOT to act or react abusively. NOTHING GOOD can be accomplished with abusive behavior.
I don’t know if your husband’s mom is racist or not (I don’t know her), or if she’s mostly reacting to the negative circumstances which she sees happening to her son when you are both together (and doesn’t see that he is also contributing to the turmoil as well). But I would stop focusing on this right now. Instead, I encourage you to focus on issues that you CAN change (and hopefully, whatever is happening with his mom, will eventually change for the better, as well… if not, you will be better equipped to handle it at that point in a healthy way).
I encourage you to go back into counseling to work on your own issues, with the goal in mind to have the counselor help you to react in a healthier way when you’re angry and hurt. (Your husband may need this as well, but right now, don’t get bogged down at looking at his issues, but… you don’t have the strength for that at this point.) Behind your anger, you will find a lot of hurt. I’m sure of it. Somehow, you have to process and react differently because if you don’t, you will carry this type of behavior into any other relationship you have in the future (plus drag baggage from this marriage). It will take a whole new way of approaching things. That’s something that will need to be learned and you will most likely you’ll need help to do that.
We have a lot on our web site on anger and abuse and such. If you put those words into our search engine individually, you will find all kinds of articles and quotes and testimonies and such to help you. That in itself is a good start. Also, there is a ministry called Christian Marriage Today that keeps coming to mind that they might be able to help you start to approach marriage differently. I encourage you to go to their web site and see if it is possible that they can help you in some way. I hope so. And I pray for you Kinesha, that you break loose from the bonds of your past and start learning how to truly live in victory in the future!
(USA) I orginally moved in with my husband 10 yrs ago and along the way retained a certificate of common law marriage because I did not want to continue to live in sin before God. Before we retained this certificate of common law marriage, my husband walked away from our relationship and told me that he did not love me anymore, later to find out that another woman was involved. We were separated for 6 months.
During those 6 months, I was angry and confused and made the mistake of dating again for revenge, not taking the time to seek God’s direction. I asked God for forgiveness and made the decision to be faithful to God regardless of what my husband did. My husband and I decided to reconcile but before doing so, I told him the truth of my relationship with someone else during our seperation because I did not want to live with skeletons in my closet. When I told him, I saw a evil spirit of anger and hate come inside him. I tried to plead my case and explain that the reason for my mistake was because of the anger that had built inside of me because of the other women that he had left me for. It made no differnce, I was the only one at fault.
I explained to my husband that he had a choice to walk away or to continue our relationship but if he chose to be with me we would need to get married because I wanted God’s blessing in our marriage. He chose to marry me anyway and the night that we got married, I experienced the worst emotional and physical abuse that I had ever experencied from my husband. Before this he loved me and cared for me, he had me on a pedal stool. From this day forward I saw a side of him that I had never seen before but I continued to love him and watch my every move and do everything possible to make him happy.
After several years of this verbal, emotional and physical abuse, I began to build up anger and hate toward my husband. I stayed in the relationship but had no relationship with him. My husband never kept me from serving the Lord but due to what I was going thru on a daily basis I couldn’t continue. I began to act out by sinning before God. Although I knew within my spirit that it was wrong, I had gotten to the point where I didn’t care. Everything that I was dealing with my husband brought out the worst in me and I lost myself in the process. I can’t blame my husband for my actions I am the only one at fault.
The day came that our relationship was affecting my children. My children are not his but he has been the only father figure that they have had and at one time they loved him as their father. When I saw that the love that my children and I had towards my husband was gone, and I was at the verge of commiting the same mistakes that I had before, I began to seek the Lord and reconcile my relationship with him. As I drew closer to the Lord, my husband became more and more unbearable. I was not able to fight for him with him, as crazy as that sounds that is how I felt. I would take two steps forward and 10 steps back everyday that I was with him. I finally made the decision to leave.
Before our separation, that evil spirit that I saw years ago enter him, manifested. It spoke to me in an unknown different voice and language and began to do things that no human in their right mind would do. My husband’s father died in his house when he was 3 yrs old and we’re not sure if it was accidental or not, and now my husband was trying to commit suicide. He ripped a Bible in two and began to curse God and would tell me that there was no God.
I believe that God allowed me to experience this manifestation in order to see that it was not him that was doing these things but what was in him that was causing him to be so evil. I believe that God also showed me this to help me understand that the battle that I was having with my marriage was a spiritual one, not physical, and that I needed to love my husband even more now because he needed me more now than ever. I lived with this demon and knew that although I was restoring my relationship with the Lord I was not spiritually strong enough to take it on myself.
The counsel that I sought advised me that unless he chooses to free himself from that spirit on his own, he would not be set free. I felt hopeless. God does not force himself on anyone. He gives all free will, and my husband cursed God when I would try to explain to him what was happening with him. It was impossible because he would become so angry.
One night my husband put his arm around my neck telling me that he just wanted to hold me and to prevent any arguments. I complied. As soon as he placed his arm around my neck, he began to speak that language in my ear and would laugh in my ear. I turned toward him and whispered in his ear “I know who you are and you will not win.” My husband became so angry and tried to choke me but something held his arm back. His arm would shake with such force. He was trying to attempt to choke me but he was not able. Another night came when he encouraged his sister to cause me physical harm. He begged her to hurt me. God intervened, although she attempted to, when she saw the evil in my husband’s actions she held back. I knew then that it was time to separate. I packed his things and made him leave our home.
It has been 1 yr since our separation and I have to admit that I have not fought as I should. For the first 6 months we stayed in contact and would have dinner, spend time together, etc. but for the last 6 months I hardly speak to him. I love my husband and love who he really is. During this process I feel my highs and lows which are mostly lows and I am not sure how to break myself free from this and I know within my heart that if I don’t break free from this depression and uncertainty I will lose my husband and my childrena and my self in the process.
I don’t know if my husband has been faithful during this year. I don’t know if he even loves me anymore. There are no instructions when we are placed in situations like this. I know that I have to continue fighting for his soul so that he will not go to hell. I know that I am obligated to fight for him and his family (I brought his sister to the Lord) but how? How do I do this? Where does my marriage stand in this process of separation with these circumanstances?
If my husband has been unfaithful, how do I know? He will not tell me. If he has been unfaithful do I continue praying that my marriage would be restored or do I set myself free from all of this? I know that God is not a God of confusion but I do feel opressed and feel that I am in bondage and don’t know how to set myself free from this to serve the Lord fully and totally with all my heart. I have fasted and prayed but have not received results in my spiritual walk. What is hindering my spirit with the Lord? I have to admit that I put my husband before God for many years which was my mistake but I loved the Lord even before I loved a man and that has to count for something. I need direction, knowing that my husband is possesed and he refuses to seek God or reconcile due to this demonic oppression. What is my responsiblity as his wife regardless of his actions?
I hope that I am not the only one that has experienced this type of situation and pray that there is someone out there that has seen God’s hand move under circumstances like this, it would bring me such encouragement.
(NAMIBIA) Hi Kat, you wrote this some time ago, and I hope the Lord has spoken to you since. Just in case you still are on the same page of your life, I’d recommend you visit Rejoice Marriage Ministries. Just google them up. They are quite helpful with people under circumstances such as yours. God bless you!
(CANADA) What God puts together… GOD, not man. So if God didn’t approve of your marriage/union he obviously didn’t put you together.
(USA) And… you’re qualified to judge what God has or has not joined together how? Marriage is a covenant. Covenants may not be broken. Read carefully and you will find that Jesus NEVER gave ANY acceptable excuse to divorce your spouse. People who are being battered can and should “separate” until the batterer changes.
(AUSTRALIA) I think you will find that Jewish covenants were not unbreakable. If one person in a bilateral covenant did not meet the conditions, then the covenant was broken. God Himself claims to break a covenant in Zechariah 11:10. In Jeremiah 2,3 God draws analogies between Israel’s unfaithfulness to him and the breaking of a marriage covenant.
Jesus’ statement that man should not separate what God has joined together was made not to condemn all divorce, but to rebuke those Pharisees who claimed that according to Deuteronomy 24 men were entitled to divorce “for any cause”. Jesus was affirming the “one flesh” principle that God had intended for marriage, chiding them for distorting Deuteronomy 24 to mean that they could divorce “for any cause”. Jewish scholars and evangelical theologians, eg Rev Dallas Willard, explain what the Bible says about divorce and remarriage very well. Laypeople often have a misconception based on a lack of understanding.
For starters, the word “join” in Hebrew means to be “firmly glued”. It is a moral bond that can be withdrawn or untied. In the case of abuse, one partner has withdrawn his commitment to be “for” the other, and can be treated as having deserted the marriage.
More importantly, Jesus taught us that God values men and women far more than the letter of the law in marriage. When a human life is being tortured by the cruelty of their life partner, God hates it and would not condemn the victim to a life of oppression for the sake of upholding the institution of marriage. That’s why He allowed for divorce. Jesus Himself said that God allowed it due to the hardness of their (the religious leaders) hearts. Divorce is tragic, but sometimes necessary to save lives.
Separation does not end violence. Almost always, violence escalates in other ways. For the sake of confidentiality, I will not go into detail, but I have three friends who are fleeing for their lives, in spite of being separated. Some have not been able to access police help because they are separated but not divorced. These perpetrators take advantage of the fact that the church does not condone divorce to further abuse and justify it by saying they are still married. One has been given a court order by a judge not to allow her children to see their father because he is dangerous. Yet he is encouraged by his church members to pursue her. All of these men present well in church, and either claim to have changed or claim not to have done anything wrong. Only the family members know the damage that has been inflicted behind closed doors.
It is naive to think that God would want us to stay in marriages that abusive and evil when elsewhere He commands us to withdraw from all forms of evil. There are worse things than divorce. The destruction of a human soul is one of them.
I have noticed that all comments from people in AUSTRALIA are very negative and anti-Bible – they never give hope to abusers. My God can transform anyone.
(UNITED STATES) IF… the abuser changes. I know that with God ALL things are possible. But I also realize that God gave each of us the gift of free will. Even He won’t make us change, especially if we don’t see the need to.
(ENGLAND) God gave permission to divorce on the fact of one partner committing adultery. God does give a reason for divorce. When the covenant is broken by one of the spouses, it is broken. Too many have dictated that they cannot go their separate ways, no matter what. That is not true. It is clearly stated that divorce can take place in certain circumstances.
Some do not change their ways. They soon resort to the old abusive ways. They believe they can have chance after chance. Do not give the wrong message. God states that you get his message right and you do not mislead anyone. God is against bondage, against oppression, against his people being wrong towards others. No abuse should be tolerated, God is for peace.
(UNITED STATES) You can know if something is from God, because all good comes from Him. An abusive,unfaithful partner is not good therefore it cannot come from God. I have yet to ask God for something and He gives me less than what I’ve asked for. It’s always greater. Always.
(CANADA) I would like to encourage anyone who believes that God is calling a woman to stay in an abusive marriage on her own or with her children, are sadly disillusioned. Looking up scripture that talks about how God feels about abuse I have done a lot of research on this area. Having come from an abusive marriage I can tell you that in no uncertain terms GOD DOES NOT EXPECT WOMAN TO STAY WITH AN ABUSIVE SPOUSE… BE HE EMOTIONALLY, SPIRITUALLY OR PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE. You need to take your legalistic false doctrine and do some serious research on how God feels about abuse and about Gods deep and abiding love for HIS children.
Here is a list of research and information… check it out, revamp what you’re saying and come back in a spirit of true love and understanding for woman who have been abused. Get right with the heart of GOD and who he really is for these poor woman. He adores these woman and would NEVER ask them to subject themselves to harm or harm for their children. With Love in Christ, A sister who is not only free from abuse but who is now married to an amazing Godly man.
What Does God Say About Abuse?
Genesis 42:21 And they said one to another, We are verily guilty concerning our brother, in that we saw the anguish of his soul, when he besought us, and we would not hear; therefore is this distress come upon us.
2 Samuel 22:28 And the afflicted people thou wilt save: but thine eyes are upon the haughty, that thou mayest bring them down.
Psalm 11:5, The Lord tests the righteous, but his soul hates the wicked and the one who loves violence.
Psalms 9:9 The LORD also will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble.
Psalms 18:48 He delivereth me from mine enemies: yea, thou liftest me up above those that rise up against me: thou hast delivered me from the violent man.
Psalms 22:24 For he hath not despised nor abhorred the affliction of the afflicted; neither hath he hid his face from him; but when he cried unto him, he heard.
Psalms 72:14 He shall redeem their soul from deceit and violence: and precious shall their blood be in his sight.
Psalms 140:12 I know that the LORD will maintain the cause of the afflicted, and the right of the poor.
Psalms 103:6 The LORD executeth righteousness and judgment for all that are oppressed.
Psalms 146:7 Which executeth judgment for the oppressed: which giveth food to the hungry. The LORD looseth the prisoners:
Psalms 82:3-4, Vindicate the weak and fatherless; Do justice to the afflicted and destitute. Rescue the weak and needy; Deliver them out of the hand of the wicked.
Proverbs 10:6 Blessings are upon the head of the just: but violence covereth the mouth of the wicked.
Proverbs 10:11 The mouth of a righteous man is a well of life: but violence covereth the mouth of the wicked.
Proverbs 11:29 He that troubleth his own house shall inherit the wind: and the fool shall be servant to the wise of heart.
Proverbs 22:8 Whoever sows injustice will reap calamity, and the rod of his fury will fail. (ESV)
Proverbs 22:10 Drive out a scoffer, and strife will go out, and quarreling and abuse will cease. (ESV)
Proverbs 31:9 Open thy mouth, judge righteously, and plead the cause of the poor and needy.
Isaiah 1:17 Learn to do well; seek judgment, relieve the oppressed, judge the fatherless, plead for the widow.
Isaiah 35:3,4 Strengthen ye the weak hands, and confirm the feeble knees. Say to them that are of a fearful heart, Be strong, fear not: behold, your God will come with vengeance, even God with a recompence; he will come and save you.
Jeremiah 22:3 Thus saith the LORD; Execute ye judgment and righteousness, and deliver the spoiled out of the hand of the oppressor: and do no wrong, do no violence to the stranger, the fatherless, nor the widow, neither shed innocent blood in this place.
Malachi 2:16 …and I hate a man’s covering himself with violence as well as with his garment” says the Lord Almighty.
Matthew 5:21, 22 Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not kill; and whosoever shall kill shall be in danger of the judgment: But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the council: but whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire.
Matthew 18:10, See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven.
Colossians 3:19, Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.
Galatians 6:2 Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.
Galatians 5:19-21, Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.
Ephesians 4:29-32, Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the
day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. (ESV)
Ephesians 5:25, Husbands, love your own wives, even as also the Christ loved the assembly, and gave up himself for it;
Ephesians 6:4, And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
Hebrews 12:12 Wherefore lift up the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees;
Hebrews 13:3 Remember them that are in bonds, as bound with them; and them which suffer adversity, as being yourselves also in the body.
James 1:19, 20, Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.
James 1:26 If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man’s religion is vain.
To my sisters
Let me come in where you are weeping, friend,
And let me take your hand.
I, who have known a sorrow such as yours,
Can understand.
Let me come in – I would be very still
Beside you in your grief.
I would not bid you cease your weeping, friend,
Tears bring relief.
Let me come in – I would only breathe a prayer,
And hold your hand,
For I have known a sorrow such as yours,
And understand.
by Grace Noll Crowell
Real Men: “The love of a brother for a sister, especially a spiritual sister, is not just some official emotion, “I love you.” Real love, real manhood says, “No one is going to hurt this woman! Especially me.” ~Ron Hutchcraft
http://www.abigails.org/index….
http://www.abigails.org/a-abus…
http://www.ccada.org/Pages/def…
http://ezinearticles.com/?expe…
http://www.mendingthesoul.org/…
http://www.hurtbylove.com/
http://www.mendingthesoul.org/
http://www.notunderbondage.com…
http://notunderbondage.blogspo…
http://patsyraedawson.com/?pag…
http://www.sermonaudio.com/sea…
http://thoroughlychristiandivo…
http://cindyburrell.wordpress….
http://godswordtowomen.org/ide…
http://eaandfaith.blogspot.ca/…
http://www.freefromverbalabuse…
http://www.freefromverbalabuse…
Men and Women in Ministry: The Meaning of Headship
Sam Storms – Nov 6, 2006 – Series: Complementarianism
There is a sense in which I address this issue with a measure of reluctance and hesitation. It isn’t because I’m in doubt about what Scripture says on the subject or because I’m uncertain about my own beliefs. It has to do with the widespread misunderstandings about headship and submission.
Many think that headship and submission mean that a wife must sit passively and endure the sin or the abuse of the husband, as if submission means she has no right to stand up for what is true and good or to resist her husband’s evil ways. Perhaps some of you come from families in which the husband was an insensitive bully and where it was assumed that it was the wife’s “duty” to tolerate this silently. God’s word does not call upon a wife to acquiesce to brutality or thievery or abuse.
Some of you may think that a husband can get away with whatever he wants in the name of headship, as if that word or concept endorses and encourages his sinful behavior, such that the wife has no recourse but to “submit” to his dictatorial and destructive ways. I, and I trust, all complementarians, utterly reject and grieve over such a terrible distortion and misapplication of the principles addressed in this study.
I know that there are both men and women who look at someone like me or other complementarians and say to themselves, or perhaps even say to others, “My dad is a mean and abusive bully who belittles my mom and ignores her needs and those complementarians hold to a view that says that’s ok or at that there’s nothing she can do but quietly ‘submit’ and put up with it; after all, he’s the head of the house.”
It’s hard not to be offended by such a horrible distortion of the truth. I assure you of this one thing: that is not biblical headship; that is not biblical submission.
On more than one occasion I’ve had women tell me horrible stories of neglect, tyranny, abuse, abandonment, and even adultery on the part of the man, the husband, and then say: “How could you possibly embrace complementarianism, a view that permits and perhaps even encourages such sinful behavior.” Let it be said once and for all: I don’t! Can complementarianism and the notion of male headship be perverted and distorted by selfishness and sinful oppression? Yes. Even as egalitarianism and the denial of male headship can be perverted and distorted into a rejection of any differences between male and female.
My prayer is that if nothing else is accomplished in these studies, perhaps I may be of some help in clarifying the meaning of these ideas and how they actually work within a marriage.
A good place to begin is with the meaning of marriage (Gen. 2:24; Mt. 19:5; Mark 10:7-8; Eph. 5:31). I would define marriage as the enjoyment of spiritual and physical unity based on a life-long, covenant commitment.
Marriage is a unity of both flesh and spirit. It is a mutual commitment in which husband and wife share their bodies, their spirits, their possessions, their problems, their insights and ideas, their goals and gripes, their sadness and happiness. Ideally, nothing should stand in the way of this mutual experience. As Wayne Mack explains:
“The wife promises that she will be faithful even if the husband is afflicted with bulges, baldness, bunions, and bifocals; even if he loses his health, his wealth, his job, his charm; even if someone more exciting comes along. The husband promises to be faithful even if the wife loses her beauty and appeal; even if she is not as neat and tidy or as submissive as he would like her to be; even if she does not satisfy his sexual desires completely; even if she spends money foolishly or is a terrible cook. Marriage means that a husband and wife enter into a relationship for which they accept full responsibility and in which they commit themselves to each other regardless of what problems arise” (3).
In order for true, biblical unity to occur, both husband and wife must understand what the Bible means by headship and submission. The failure to appreciate these truths has contributed immeasurably to disunity and eventual dissolution of countless marriages.
Headship “Headship” (kephale) has three meanings in Scripture: (1) a physical head (1 Cor. 11:7); (2) source or origin (Col. 1:18); and (3) a person with authority (Eph. 1:22).
A. Misconceptions about the Nature of Headship
1. Husbands are never commanded to rule their wives, but to love them. The Bible never says, “Husbands, take steps to insure that your wives submit to you.” Nor does it say, “Husbands, exercise headship and authority over your wives.” Rather, the principle of male headship is either asserted or assumed and men are commanded to love their wives as Christ loves the church.
2. Headship is never portrayed in Scripture as a means for self-satisfaction or self-exaltation. Headship is always other-oriented. I can’t think of a more horrendous sin than exploiting the God-given responsibility to lovingly lead by perverting it into justification for using one’s wife and family to satisfy one’s lusts and thirst for power.
3. Headship is not the power of a superior over an inferior. Human nature is sinfully inclined to distort the submission of the wife into the superiority of the husband. That some, in the name of male headship, have done precisely this cannot be denied, but it must certainly be denounced. We must also remember that the abuse of headship is not sufficient justification for abandoning it. Rather, we must strive, in God’s grace, to redeem it and purify it in a way that honors both Christ and one’s spouse.
4. Headship is never to be identified with the issuing of commands.
5. Headship does not mean that the husband must make every decision in the home. Unfortunately, some men have mistakenly assumed that it undermines their authority for their wives to take the initiative in certain domestic matters. This is more an expression of masculine insecurity and fear than it is godly leadership.
B. Identifying the Essence of Headship
1. Headship is more a responsibility than a right. A “right” is something we tend to demand or insist upon as something we are owed. This can all too often make for an authoritarian and self-serving atmosphere in the home. When headship is viewed as a sacred trust in which the husband is “called” by God to lead and honor and sacrifice for his wife, the tone and mood of the home is radically improved.
2. Headship is the authority to serve. John Stott explains: “If headship means ‘power’ in any sense, then it is power to care, not to crush; power to serve, not to dominate; power to facilitate self-fulfillment, not to frustrate or destroy it. And in all this the standard of the husband’s love is to be the cross of Christ, on which he surrendered himself even to death in his selfless love for his bride” (232).
3. Headship is the opportunity to lead. If Jesus is our example of biblical leadership, it will help to take note of how he led his disciples.
· Jesus led by teaching his disciples (cf. 1 Cor. 14:35)
· Jesus led by setting an example for his disciples (John 13:15)
· Jesus led by spending time with his disciples (Acts 4:13)
· Jesus led by delegating authority to his disciples (Luke 10:1-20)
4. Headship is Scripturally circumscribed. Husbands have never been given the authority to lead their families in ways that are contrary to the Bible. On a related note, if a wife is ever asked or told by her husband to do something that violates Scripture, she is not only free to disobey him, she is obligated to do so.
5. Headship does entail the responsibility to make a final decision when agreement cannot be reached. This final decision, however, may on occasion be to let his wife decide. No. contrary to what you may think, this latter option does not undermine the husband’s authority.
6. Headship entails gentleness and sensitivity. See Col. 3:18-19 where Paul exhorts husbands not to be “embittered” against their wives. The idea is that of “friction caused by impatience and thoughtless nagging” (Moule).
7. Headship does not give men the right to be wrong. Simply because God has invested in the husband the authority to lead does not give him the freedom to lead in ways that are contrary to God’s Word.
8. Headship means honoring one’s wife. See 1 Peter 3:7.
9. Headship means loving and caring for one’s wife as much as we love and care for ourselves. See Eph. 5:28-29.
10. Headship means loving and caring for one’s wife as much as Christ loves and cares for us. See Eph. 5:25-27. Christ’s love for us has several characteristics:
· It is unconditional (Rom. 5:8)
· It is eternal (Rom. 8:39)
· It is unselfish (Phil. 2:6-7)
· It is purposeful (Eph. 5:26-27)
“Christ ‘loved’ the church and ‘gave himself’ for her, in order to ‘cleanse’ her, ‘sanctify’ her, and ultimately ‘present’ her to himself in full splendour and without any defect. In other words, his love and self-sacrifice were not an idle display, but purposive. And his purpose was not to impose an alien identity upon the church, but to free her from the spots and wrinkles which mar her beauty and to display her in her true glory. The Christian husband is to have a similar concern. His headship will never be used to suppress his wife. He longs to see her liberated from everything which spoils her true feminine identity and growing towards that ‘glory’, that perfection of fulfilled personhood which will be the final destiny of all those whom Christ redeems. To this end Christ gave himself. To this end too the husband gives himself in love” (Stott).
· It is sacrificial (Eph. 5:25)
· It is demonstrative (Rom. 5:6-8)
The way Jesus related to women in general is a model for all men: “They [women] had never known a man like this Man – there never has been such another. A prophet and teacher who never nagged at them, never flattered or coaxed or patronized; who never made jokes about them, never treated them either as ‘The women, God help us!’ or ‘The ladies, God bless them!’; who rebuked without querulousness and praised without condescension; who took their questions and arguments seriously; who never mapped out their sphere for them, never urged them to be feminine or jeered at them for being female; who had no axe to grind and no uneasy male dignity to defend; who took them as he found them and was completely unself-conscious. There is no act, no sermon, no parable in the whole Gospel that borrows its pungency from female perversity; nobody could possibly guess from the words and deeds of Jesus that there was anything ‘funny’ about women’s nature” (Dorothy Sayers).
Even tho I readily admit that my actions were emotionally abusive – which I did not realize, I wish to change and give my wife a good life. Based on your comments you seem to think that God cannot transform me. Aside from my wife saying that she never loved me at anytime during our 21 marriage – I would like to think that God as the power to change me. Your comments are very disheartening.
You’re awesome. I left and am not guilty. Am at peace and happy!
David… CLEARLY you’ve never been in an abusive relationship. Unless you’ve walked in those shoes, better to remain quiet and understanding.
(ZIMBABWE) The issue of abuse is very frightening and real. Sometimes when you hear other people’s stories, you tend to think that a woman enjoys being in an abusive relationship and they don’t want to leave. When you experience it, you understand. By reading other people’s stories, I see that abusers have a common behaviour in general and in most cases money has something to do with it. It’s also true that hurt people hurt people.
I was in an abusive marriage for almost a year. Within the first week of marriage, I had suffered from beatings from husband. The second time I was beaten by hockey stick, kicked and beaten with fists and all. It was like that all the time. The reason would be that I didn’t respect him enough or if I confronted him about something I didn’t like, the issue would always end up being mine.
He wasn’t employed and I tried my best to make things work. I would give him money and he would spend it on beer with his cousin and friends. After finishing his allocation, he’d make sure that he stole from my purse. I tried to understand as he always made me believe it was all my fault. He didn’t respect his mom or anyone else for that matter. Not even my relatives were spared. When I fell pregnant he wasn’t even happy, instead he accused me of doing things without communicating because I had bought a test kit without telling (using my money).
Anyway, I got tired and tried to leave and he sweet-talked me and I went back. Things didn’t change. I almost lost my baby one day then I decided to leave. It was difficult but I think it was a wise decision.
Now I am praying for God to heal me. I don’t want to pass all that hurt to my child. I wonder, how do you let go of all that pain caused by someone you once loved? And what’s funny is that the person tells you that they love you. Is that how you love someone? I pray that God helps me forgive. It’s now 3 months after I left and he sometimes asks me to come back. But then it’s not worth it. I am sure the marriage didn’t come from God. When God blesses, he addeth no sorrow.
(USA) It is very hard, try not to communicate with him so often, the more you talk to him on the phone, the more he is getting the message across to you that “it’s your fault” and it’s NOT your fault, you did NOTHING to deserve any of his abuse. If you feel that you NEED to talk to him, try this. Each time you talk to him, re-play his abusive rages in your mind, the abused person usually goes back to the abuser an average of 8 times before anything tragic happens, remember that, don’t become a statistic.
God wants your husband to love you like he loves himself. If he beats on you, then he is beating himself. mividaloco on facebook, is an inspirational page on facebook that inspires women from around the globe. Please send an invite if you’re familiar with facebook. We will get through this together.
(PHILIPPINES) I am married for 15 years to a drug user and a full time pervert, suspicious-jealous man. Throughout our marriage, he accused me of having affairs, of being involved in drugs, sex and pornography. He accuses me of not being in the office, of having people follow him around and he accuses me of inhuman acts of orgy, multiple sex partners and everything else. He treats me dirty. He does not respect me. He blames me for the mess in his life. He threatens me. He abuses me emotionally, mentally, and sometimes physically. A number of times he almost killed me. He does not support our family. I work for my children’s needs.
I am a Christian. He attends church but I know he is not a Christian at heart, because he treats me bad. He does not love me the way Christ loved his Church.
There was an opportunity to separate and we did. But I was so stupid I took him back, because I’d rather bear the sufferings he caused than suffer not having him around. I wept and cried when we separated, and blamed myself.
Now that he is back, the nightmare is all back, same things over and over again. Each time I pray, I trust in God’s faithfulness and believe that it will all be ok one day. But I think I am so tired already. I cannot bear the torture he causes every night. We do not sleep because we argue, he will accuse and I will deny. And it will be a circle over and over again. And I’m tired. But when a moment came that he wanted to leave, I cried so hard to my children. And so he didn’t leave.
My life is a mess, and I am so sad. My work is affected and I worry for my young children. I think it is time to leave, but I do not have the strength. I promised God that one more time he attempts to leave, I will not stop him.
Every night he sexually abuses me, after emotionally abusing me first, and I ask God, is this how I am supposed to submit? But after reading this article, I realized that it is not. This is another reason for me to end this. But I am scared. I always end up running after him after a couple of days. I so depend on him, for what, I do not know, because he does not provide and we live in my parent’s house.
I’m so tired. I always pray that Jesus is enough for me. My kids and Jesus are all I need. Please pray for me. I need to let go of myself from this bondage to my husband. Every night I am scared that he might hurt me or the children (coz we sleep in one room). I am the victim, but he thinks he is the victim because he really believes that I am doing this and that. I am a decent person. I may be hot tempered or impatient at times, but this is not the same as being promiscuous, as what he accuses me of being.
Sometimes I think God is punishing me through him, but then again, this is a lie, because everything happened out of my own free choice. I am stubborn. I should not have taken him back. Now it is so hard, and I am sad. I think I need a strong person, somebody who will rescue us, who will decide that we will separate and there is nothing anybody can do. I do not know.I have disorganized thoughts now. All I know is that I am sad, because my husband is that way and I think he will never change anymore. I am so tired, and scared, and sad.
Please pray for me and my children, for strength, for wisdom to finally do what is right. I think it is time, to sit down and talk. But I cannot do that with my husband, because he will tell me to give him back his life. Can I do that? He said I ruined his life, he wants me to fix it. I am so abused and battered, emotionally and mentally and spiritually. I cant stay this way forever. Please, can somebody help me?
(UNITED STATES) Hello, I’m in a similiar situation, but mine is only emotionally abusive. My situation is even harder, because the physical abuse isn’t there. I’ve been married for 15 yrs., to an ex drug addict who comes from a family of incest, drug addicts, divorce, perversion, and men that run.
I am too at a breaking point. I feel horrible. I am an emotional wreck. I feel like I’m stuck because I do love him, but what am I to do, leave or stay, do I have grounds to leave? I ask myself lately. I want to be emotionally whole, but I’m realizing my husband is a huge downfall for me. He always plays the role of woe is me, I’m messed up and will never change. I’m beginning to think it’s all junk. He has left his faith quite a few years ago. He drinks and has a horrible mouth. I feel as if we are falling apart little by little and he doesn’t care.
I’m sorry to hear you have to go thru this… sounds like you are in bondage of him… me too! I read your post and I know exactly how you feel. I wonder if we have to pray for that bondage to be broken in order to be okay. I don’t think, especially after reading that God wants that… our husbands are not idols or are they??? It’s so easy to mix our committment with idolatry. Is it right to love someone so much to the point that we are gonna go crazy? I’ve recently realized that my mind is not where God wants it to be… and that my husband has a lot to do with it. I’m so sorry that both of us have to be so fearful all the time, thinking about how we are gonna live w/o our husbands! I’m downright tired of it.
I also think about my children. I have nothing but boys. They need an example to live by. If I leave, who will they have? We will be a broken family… to me it’s the worst. I don’t know how to deal with this… why does it have to be so much trouble? We could pray for one another.
For the past four years I’ve had to battle anxiety/depression and God has seen me thru. I’m scared that if I leave I won’t be able to cope… that’s my biggest fear. It makes me sad to think about my husband loving another woman. But will he ever change? I think should I continue to put up with his drinking, and vulgar behavior. I too am so sad about it all.
Let’s help each other. I’m praying this reply gets to you. I hope things have changed for you. It’s not fair to live in fear each day waiting for something to happen to our marriage. I hardly slept last night because my husband got home @3 under the influence of God knows what, from being around people who have no morals and are falling apart themselves. I’m so tired and pray that God would grab his attention and your husband also in the mighty name of Jesus!!! My heart is with yours, friend :(
(USA) mividaloco on facebook, it’s an inspirational page on facebook that inspires women from around the globe. Please send an invite if you’re familiar with facebook. We will get through this together. Abuse is the same no matter if it is physical, mental, sexual. God did not give any man the power and control over his wife. He is supposed to treat her the way he wants to be treated.
(AUSTRALIA) Jewel and Rieca, I wish you lived closer – we have a support group for Christian women suffering abuse. The names may be different, but the stories are just like yours, and yes, there is life after abuse. You can’t change your husband, but you can take charge of your life. It’s not OK for your husband to be the idol of the family. God doesn’t intend for your marriage to be the no-touch zone for the protection of sin. Marriage isn’t an idol to be preserved at all costs.
If you leave, you have a broken marriage. Understandably, nobody wants that. If you stay, you have a broken life. I know that if I have a tumour in my arm, I would rather have it severed and have a broken arm. No sane person goes around breaking things that are whole, but with things that are destructive and toxic, there is no choice but to break them before they break you. Go to theraveproject.org or hurtbylove.com, both Christian websites, and get some knowledge and insight about abuse in Christian homes. Once you see clearly, you will have the strength to take the next step. I can’t say your finances won’t suffer. I don’t know of any victim who hasn’t paid a hefty price, as financial abuse normally goes along with psychological abuse, which is at the heart of all abuse. But it is a small price to pay for the freedom, peace and life that God has for you.
(UNITED STATES) My wife has left me for my anger problem. All this site is an excuse for women to leave over ANY problem. I totally own up to my sin, but no ONE is holding women accountable in anything these days. I see more women cheating and leaving there husbands than men. And the church just sits silent on it. Women are intitiating divorces these days at a pandemic rate! They seem to find any excuse to leave and the men get battered in the media and the church for it.
We make no excuses for men behaving badly nor women behaving badly. Both are wrong. One spouse acting out in an abusive manner is not an excuse for the other to act out in an abusive manner. This ministry is dedicated to helping couples to work on their marriages –not to encourage them to leave marriages where they can instead fix them, but when someone is endangered, they need to get to a place of safety. And we aren’t silent… that’s why we have an “Abuse in Marriage” topic –to help those who need it –women AND men. We don’t believe in battering men or women. I’m sorry you see this ministry in such a negative light.
(USA) My husband and I are both Christians and have been active in our church. I’ve always been very committed to my marriage and my family and did so much for them. My husband had an affair 14 years ago and seemed to be truly repentant and we went through counseling to repair our marriage. However, this past October he was charged with 12 counts of indecent liberties with a minor in a custodial relationship (he was a deputy and School Resource Officer). Apparently, the realtionship began sometime close to our 25th anniversary in May.
In November, he fled bail with the girl and was later arrested after a two day hunt for him two states over. He is in jail now awaiting trial and has not been offered bail and has added charges of abduction. I, of course, feel no inclination to pay if they did. He seems to be remorseful but I am untrusting of his remorse as he may be trying to hold onto what little he has left. I also still feel that he is being untruthful and is unwilling to open to me because of his attorney’s advice and because they record his conversations. Anything that he and his attorney have discussed has not been revealed to me.
I want to forgive for my own well-being but I am trying to decide if the relationship should be restored. It may also be a long time before that is possible, due to sentencing and there are many legal and financial ramifications from his actions. Does anyone have advice or know of books or websites that would help with this kind of infidelity? I’ve been relying on my private time with God, prayer, Christian friends, and counseling.
Oh sweetheart, I am sooooo horrified to hear what you have been thru. I was married to a man who sexually assaulted our eldest daughter when she was very young. I advise you to forgive him and the girl and yourself but I would leave for good. Once he has chosen this level of wickedness it is very, very difficult. You are biblically permitted to divorce but you have to settle it in your heart.
I went back after numerous affairs including him having prostitutes. I found out vital information from going back and have to say I am so glad I left. I prayed and fasted for a long time and God did such a huge work in my life and heart. I saw powerful miracles, healings, and salvations on mission trips. My ex tried to have sex with a teenage girl we were supposed to be helping. Do what you hear God tell you. I know a lady who prayed for seven years for her husband who was sleeping with another woman and he got saved. And I know another whose husband left her for years to work and raise their kids. She prayed all that time and he came back.
(USA) This is one of the best, most thorough break down of scripture (on this topic) concerning the meaning, implications and will of God’s word. It sadly, & quite disturbingly amazes me how many are battling these abusive marriages & are being looked down upon for leaving or separating by church and/or family members. This is truly an epidemic of spiritual type warfare, concerning the mass majority of abusive marriages increasing at such an alarming rate.
I believe it is partially based on wrongly interpreted scripture content that has blinded many with fear to be “the one” who chooses to “defy” their spouse by taking a leap of faith for means of safety. While the Bible teaches we “perish for lack of knowledge”, many would rather turn a deaf ear to our afflicted, rather than redeeming the time & showing our hurting body the attention & care in praying & seeking God’s wisdom for truth, Godly wisdom, understanding on scriptures in reference to abusive marriages.
Assumptions are acceptable this day & age, while many beautiful families are ripped to shreds by the plague of diverse ungodly reverence to the false teachings of “submitting to abuse”… we need more sisters & brothers willing to take a risk for truth and stand strong sharing, just as this author has. We all must seek to stay/be solely Spirit led by Christ, not emotion led, to death, concerning great matters of spiritual importance such as these. Thank you for sharing.
(MEXICO) This article brought peace to my soul… :) thanks!
(USA) I was raised in the church, reading my Bible daily. As I got older, my family didn’t go as often as I did. I always felt a closeness to God. I belong to the body of Christ. I grew up knowing that all I had to do was ask God for something, and he would take care of my need.
I married my first husband at 24 yrs old. We had our arguements, nothing abusive. We were both Christians. He passed away when our two children were 7 and 8 and a half. He was only 35. I waited 5 years before I started to date and 6 years before I married the second time. Growing up, my parents always sheltered us 7 kids from the “worldly ways.” My Dad was a strong believer in God and his morals were commendable. My Mom, always tried her best to teach safety to her 5 daughters that men would or might try to bestow upon us. What neither of them taught us about was that there was such a thing as “abuse” in relationships.
I learnt “abuse” in my second marriage, we’ve been married for 12 years. Soon after we were married, he started mentally abusing me and my children, he was careful not to mentally abuse them in front of me, his type of abuse was more like degrading us behind eachothers backs, i guess he was the “cowardly abuser” the type that keeps it within the small family but doesnt want anyone to think its “abuse”.
Soon after we married he started drinking. Then I found out he was an alcoholic. The love of his life was “beer.” He tricked me into sexual “adventures” is what he called them with his friend, then he claimed that I was at fault. If I left one spoon in the sink, I would hear about it for a week how I am a pig, and how worthless I am and so on. I had to work 12 hours a day. While at work, I met a very nice man. His wife was very sick. We became good friends. The other man made me feel like a queen.
I don’t condone adultery, I’m a firm believer in what the Bible says about adultery. I would go home and listen to my husband create in me a low self esteem, degrading me in every area of my life. I thought that if we moved out of state my husband would change for the better. It didn’t change. It only got worse. He started physically abusing me. He wanted me to disown my children, but my children are my life. I left him after 10 years of marriage and 1 son.
My son ran out with me after seeing his Dad punch me. We fled to the nearest abuse shelter, for which that meant “safety to us.” I really don’t think that was a sin. I think God provided me with a way out, and a place to go. My husband moved back to our hometown, so we’ve been separated for 2 years now. I still care for him as a person, but I am not in love with him. He expects us to get back together, but I’ve already told him “I can’t live with someone who has beat down my spirit and tried to beat down my body.”
Some may say that I don’t sound like I’ve been abused enough to make a big deal out of it. But, abuse is abuse, no matter how small it is. I am starting a new life, me and my husband still talk, and he says he has changed but I can’t go back to that kind of life. I am afraid of that kind of life. It brings tears to my eyes knowing that it goes on and on in every nation.
I learnt from the abuse shelter that an abused person goes back to their abuser about 8 times on average, before anything tragic happens. I don’t want to be a statistic. I don’t want to live in the past. I strongly believe that God wanted me to live through that phase in my life to grow stronger and wiser. I don’t blame God for any of my life. I know he is with me throughout any ordeal. I know I trust him. He is my only True friend. He will never give me anything that I cannot bare, and I do believe he provided me ways to live when I couldn’t see in front of me. I pray everyday for every abused person in the world, so they may become stronger. I also pray for all the abusers, so they may fall off that pedestal they put themselves up on.
(AUSTRALIA) The Bible definitely DOES allow divorce for domestic abuse – see my article http://notunderbondage.blogspot.com.au/2011/06/bible-does-allow-divorce-for-domestic.html.
It also allows the victim of abuse to remarry –see http://notunderbondage.blogspot.com.au/2011/09/does-1-corinthians-710-11-mean-victim.html
At the blog cryingoutforjustice.wordpress.com, which is co-written by Pastor Jeff Crippen and myself, we are calling the evangelical church to wake up to the issue of domestic abuse in its midst. Many victim and survivors of domestic abuse are visiting, commenting, sharing their stories and supporting each other. I hope to see you there! Remember, you don’t have to have suffered PHYSICAL violence to be a victim of domestic abuse. Most abuse is verbal, emotional, psychological, coercion, mind-games, subtle threats, etc. The hallmark of abuse is violation of a person’s rights and dignity, and it’s all about the abuser exerting power and control.
It is not your fault if you are suffering abuse. You are not to blame. Abusers CHOOSE to abuse. That’s the bottom line. ((hugs)) from Barb
(UNITED STATE) God hates putting away. Christ Jesus is our example. Our Father is able to use in our marriage if we trust him and pray for help. Everything we need is in the Bible.