Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. (Galatians 5:25)
Deciding who you will marry is one of the most important decisions you will ever make. In a kingdom courtship, the primary reason for marriage should be the conviction that a particular match is God’s choice for you. It should not be just a good choice, but God’s choice.
Good or Bad Choice?
Most of the time, you won’t have the luxury of choosing between people or circumstances that are totally bad or totally good. Nearly all your choices will appear good in some way, but only one will be part of God’s perfect plan —His best for you. The chief enemy you fight in choosing God’s best will be your own strong inclination to make a good choice instead of a God choice.
Before you can determine whom to marry, you must first answer an preliminary question: Does God want you to marry anyone, ever? Or is His plan for you to remain single? Scripture teaches that marriage, like salvation, is an unmerited gift from God (Genesis 2:18). When God wanted Adam to have a wife, He brought her to him. Their marriage was a gift from God.
Scripture Tells Us that Singleness is God’s Gift As Well.
“I wish that all men were as I am. but each man has his own gift from God,“ said the apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:7. He wished all men were single like he was and free from the stresses of married life so they could devote themselves to God’s work. “But each man has his own gift from God.” In other words, God will either give to a person the gift of being married or the gift of being single.
People who are perpetually lonely as singles are usually the same people who are worried about what isn’t happening to them instead of what they should be doing to minister to others. Their focus is inward, not upward. In 1 Corinthians 7, we’re told to acknowledge singleness as good, allow it for our spiritual growth and use it for God.
C.S. Lewis
C. S. Lewis was single most of his life. He taught at Oxford and Cambridge Universities and used his free time as a single to write some of the best Christian literature available in the world today. As he was nearing retirement age, he met and married a woman he came to love intensely. Sadly, they only had 3 short years together. What would the world have missed if Lewis had married earlier someone whom God had not chosen?
It happens. Singles become consumed with the idea of how wonderful life would be if they just had a marriage partner, and then they make concessions and compromises that lead to marriage out of God’s timing and out of God’s will. To feel accepted by another person and avoid the stigma of being single, they enter into unhealthy relationships and compromise values they once held dear.
Beware of Slipping
The more consumed you become with the idea of marriage, the more easily you can slip into a pattern of fantasizing. It might start as innocently as fantasizing about being with another person. It might be someone you know at work or church. Then you might progress to fantasizing about the children you’d have together or where you would live. If they continue unchecked, your thoughts could become a full-blown X-rated video that stays stuck on replay in your mind until it replays in your life. The powerful feelings that accompany such thoughts can lead people into marriages God never ordained and intimate relationships He never approved.
Thoughtful Reflections
The Bible declares that as a man “thinketh in heart, so is he“ (Proverbs 23:7, KJV). What a strange thought! How can you think with your heart? We normally associate thought with the brain and feelings with the heart. The phrase “to think in the heart” refers to thoughtful reflection. Many ideas are briefly entertained by the mind without ever penetrating the heart. But those ideas that do grasp us in our innermost parts are the ideas that shape our lives. When our thoughts are corrupted, our lives follow suit. We are what we think.
“Gift” of Singleness
If God gives you the gift of singleness, He may use that quality in a way that wouldn’t be available to you as a married person. It may be for a season or it may be for a lifetime. God’s sovereign will is always meant for your good and His glory. If and when God decides you can best serve Him as a team member with a life partner, you won’t need to change Sunday school classes, search the singles ads, or join a dating service He will work out the circumstances. “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD“ (Proverbs 18:22). This favor of the Lord is what God extends to His children in arranging the circumstances for them to meet their life partners.
Circumstances Could Be Worse
It also helps to remember that there are a great many circumstances worse than not being married. One of them is being married to someone who doesn’t share your love and desire for God. This person could be someone whose commitment divides your commitment.
Powerful Lesson
The life of Hudson Taylor is a powerful lesson in the value of God’s wisdom regarding marriage. Taylor was an English missionary who died in 1910 after spending more than 50 years as a missionary in China. When he went there in 1854, nearly 380 million people in the country’s interior had never seen a Westerner. They had also never heard the name of Christ. With a heart for God, Taylor penetrated deep into Chinese culture. He dressed like the Chinese, learned their language, and lived among them. By the end of his life, 205 preaching stations, 849 missionaries, and 125,000 Chinese Christians were a testimony to a life surrendered to God.
Ripple Effect
Hudson Taylor wielded a spiritual influence far beyond China. Even today, the ripple effect of his ministry is a part of our lives. The Chinese Christians number in the hundreds of thousands world-wide. Taylor was single when he left England, but he eventually married another missionary in China. A small sentence in one history book has always intrigued me: “In England, Taylor had left behind his unfinished medical studies and the girl he had hoped to marry. She had refused to come with him.” What would the world have missed if Taylor had stayed home to marry someone God hadn’t chosen?
God tested Taylor when He made him choose between God’s will and his own desires. The day came in Taylor’s life when he had to decide if it was important to be in God’s will or be married —the God choice over the good choice.
God still tests us today.
We can’t assume that the woman Taylor left behind was ugly, irritable, or contentious. He was a man of character who probably kept the company of godly woman. Many people may have thought it was a good match, and perhaps the couple could have had a good marriage. But every good choice isn’t God’s choice.
If God gives you the gift of singleness, He may use that quality in a special way. It’s something that wouldn’t be available to you as a married person—for a season or a life time.
God Still Had a Plan
God’s favor wasn’t lost on Hudson Taylor. In China, he eventually met and fell in love with 22-year-old Maria Dyer, the much-admired daughter of prestigious missionary parents. They had an uncommonly happy marriage because they shared a deep passion to evangelize China even at great personal sacrifice.
Seven years before his marriage to Maria and after his breakup with his fiancé, Taylor made a God choice that was painful and agonizing at the time. “What can I do?” he wrote to his sister. “I know I love her. To go to China without her would make the world a blank.” Instead of the “blank” life Taylor feared —the life we all fear—God brought purpose to his pain and honored his sacrifice. Even though it may have felt like a long wait, God was in the waiting. And so it is with us.
Don’t Miss the Best
When we decide on our own that we’re in love with another person and refuse to seek or wait for God’s instruction, He will allow us to choose the good. But we will miss the best—His perfect will. The problem is that things don’t work right when we’re in only the permissive will of God (1 Corinthians 6:12).
In his popular workbook, Experiencing God, Henry Blackaby suggests we “find out where God is working and join Him there.” We, on the other hand, are more likely to say, “God, here’s the person I want to marry. Will You bless us?” The difference is the approach. One approach puts God at the center while the other puts ourselves at the center. When we make choices independent of God and then ask for His blessing, we’re asking God to approve an idea that originated with us, not Him.
Adjust to Doing Things God’s Way
Throughout Scripture, God always takes the initiative. He sets the agenda. “We adjust our lives to God so He can do through us what He wants to do,” says Blackaby. “God is not our servant to make adjustments to our plans. We are His servants and we adjust our lives to what He is about to do.”
Once again we’re back to the difference between a good idea and a God idea. How many times have we heard people say, “If God gave me a brain, He must expect me to use it”? Even though God gave us the ability to reason and make choices, what did He say about our thoughts compared to His?
We’re Told in Isaiah 55:8-9:
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”
God’s knowledge and wisdom are far greater than ours. He can see the entire landscape while we concentrate on a single valley. We would be foolish to try to fit God into our mold and conform Him to our plans. Yes, He did give us a brain, and we should be smart enough to know that God’s even smarter.
Good Idea VS God’s Idea
Once again, what’s the difference between a good idea and a God idea? A good idea will work some of the time. But God’s ideas will work all the time. Scripture warns us not to lean on our own understanding but to trust God wholeheartedly (Proverbs 3:5). When we’re not willing to submit to God’s leadership in our lives, God will let us follow our own devices. In following them, we will never experience what God is waiting and wanting to do in us and through us.
Go With God
Christians must realize that it’s more important to be certain that a marriage is God’s will than to judge our suitability for marriage by love, attraction, or compatibility. Our situations change and we grow through the years. We cannot predict future compatibility on our own. When we accept compatibility as a primary basis of marriage, we can be led into cultural traps. One of these traps could be living together before marriage to make sure we are compatible. Only God knows the end from the beginning. He is the one who creates love, not man.
Ruth and Naomi
It was Ruth’s mother-in-law, Naomi, who made the choice of a husband for her (Ruth 3). It wasn’t love at first sight, getting to know each other, or even a passionate kiss that brought Boaz and Ruth together. Romance wasn’t the issue. But the story later became romantic as Ruth and Boaz developed an unselfish love and deep respect for each other. The issue was obedience, a “rightness” about the relationship. God was working in the situation, and He was using Naomi’s kindness and moral integrity to guide Ruth. As a result, Ruth later became the great-grandmother of King David and direct ancestor of Jesus.
Passionate Love?
Does the story of Boaz and Ruth interrupt your romantic vision of passionate love? Would you like the story more if the two had been lovers who glimpsed each other across the wheat field and became passionately attracted? It happens to some people in some situations, but the qualities that are attractive in the beginning may prove difficult to live with in the long run. The man who falls in love with a woman’s attentiveness may find it is the very quality that drives him crazy when he can’t get enough space. The woman who falls in love with a man’s drive to succeed may eventually find that quality irritating and destructive. He may end up spending more time at work than at home.
Critical Choice
Dr. Neil Clark Warren, author of the book Finding the Love of Your Life, says your choice of whom to marry is more critical than everything else combined. “If you choose wisely,” he says, “your life will be significantly easier and infinitely more satisfying. But if you make a serious mistake, your marriage may fail, causing you and perhaps your children immeasurable pain. Most of the failed marriages I have encountered were in trouble the day they began dating. The two people involved simply chose the wrong person to marry.”
What might seem like a good choice at the time may not be a God choice for a lifetime. If you “lean on your own understanding,” you may someday feel like the person who fell out of the raft into the Colorado River. The more you struggle, the deeper you go.
The Larger Picture
Just as Ruth was unaware of the larger purpose God had in mind for her life, you can’t see the larger picture of your life. Because of Ruth’s faithful obedience, her life and legacy carried great significance even though she couldn’t see the end result. In a similar way, your faithfulness to God’s leadership will bring a significance to your life. It’s one that will extend beyond your lifetime. The question is not how to find a mate, but who will find the mate. God will direct you in choosing God’s best.
This edited article can be found in the great book, Choosing God’s Best: Wisdom for Lifelong Romance
Filed under: Single Yet Preparing
(USA) It is very hard for a straight man like me looking to find true love again, especially after my wife of 15 years cheated on me. Women today have become very difficult for me to meet, since many of the women today have such a very bad attitude problem and are so hard to talk too. I was a very caring and loving husband to my wife at the time, and very much committed to her as well. I hope with God’s blessing that I will be able to find the right woman for me this time around.
(NIGERIA) I’m 23 and a young man of 25 (an evangelist) is coming for my hand in marriage. Initially I was happy about the proposal but as it stands now I am confused and afraid I am making a mistake. I don’t know how to end the relationship because it will hurt me and him equally. His health condition gives me headaches (asthmatic). What should I really do to continue or to end it? Please help me. I am confused!!!!!!!
(SOUTH AFRICA) Can our righteous God favour a second marriage built on infidelity and so much hurt caused to a family 14 months and still to a point where the husband wants his adult children to attend his wedding? This is a couple who says that this is God’s will for their new chance at love and happiness. I have forgiven, let go and letting God and do ask God to work in this very bizarre suddenly that hit our family of over 33 years of close Christian family and missions involvement.
(NIGERIA) I really like this website, I just visited it for the first time and it is making sense. I want us to acknowledge the facts that first of all, Jesus tells us in Matt. 19:11,that singleness is a gift from God. And to further show that it is important to seek the face of GOD concerning marriage. Let’s consider Jeremiah the prophet in Jer 16:1 and 2. Which shows that there is a permissive and perfect will of God.
(UGANDA) Great insight in all the comments. The Lord will continue to use you to reach His people. I am not yet married but of marriagable age and I look forward to having my own husband and as I wait patiently I pray the LORD will give me grace to do so in the name Jesus. I pray Spirit of God to uphold me in this period of weakness.
Well, having to find a good woman to share a life with is very hard for many of us straight men nowadays, especially that many of the women today are nothing like the REAL LADIES that existed years ago, where many of them were very committed to their men. Most of the women and men were very faithful, and money was no issue like it is today for many women that are looking for a man with a very large bank account. If only God could have made the women today like years ago, then many of us serious men could have found the love of our life with a family as well. And now with so many women today that are GAY, well that certainly adds to the problem.
Jay, It isn’t that God makes women any different today than years ago, it’s that society has changed the “women today,” but also men today. Some changes can be viewed as good and others, not at all. There are a number of reasons for this evolution including the expansion of media and technology (the good, the bad and the ugly of it), the break down of family and friends (and society in general) being a good marital support system. Job, career, and free-time choices have changed and expanded (in good and bad ways), and a big change in commitment and moral values people live out in their lives have caused a lot of changes. Christian values aren’t embraced as much as years before and the list goes on and on as to cause the differences between men and women of today, as opposed to how things were years ago.
I agree that it’s more difficult to find men and women who will make good marriage partners. That’s why it’s all the more important to be very careful and prayerful in who you date, who you become serious about exploring the possibility of marriage with, and ultimately, who the person is that you marry. That’s why we try so hard, here at Marriage Missions, to keep making helpful resources available to help couples in this mission. All I can say is, please don’t keep looking at all the ladies who you wouldn’t want to get to know better, but keep praying and looking for the fewer ones who are available that you would want to know better. And then when you find someone you are interested in, as far as marriage, do what it takes TOGETHER to overcome obstacles you will encounter and learn what it takes to build a great marriage partnership. PLUS, make sure YOU are someone that would be a good marriage partner. It all starts with us.
Well, I really don’t want to be alone for the remaining years of my life, especially when I see so many men and women that were very blessed by God to have met one another and have a family just like I would have wanted, as well. It is very true what I have said about there are certainly much more GAY WOMEN that are adding to the problem today, and that will without a doubt make it much harder for us straight men that are looking. And why would we ever blame ourselves for wanting to have a life with a woman which will be very normal to have? God did create man to be with a woman, and it is very wrong to make people born if they weren’t meant to find love and happiness.
We didn’t ask to be born as it is, and to go out all the time and never could be at the right place at the right time makes me much more upset. I will never understand why God blesses so many people to find happiness and not others. I am no different than the ones that have it.
TheVeryTruth, or TheAbsoluteTruth, You miss my point completely. You’re right. In your eyes there is no blessing if you don’t find a woman to be your wife, regardless of God’s will for you. What can I say? I’m sad for you and pray for you.
I know I am two years too late, but I wouldn’t condemn or more accurately rebuke TheVeryTruth for his sentiments. After all the Bible does say “He who finds a wife finds a good thing” and “It is not good for man to be alone.” There is even a study that suggests married men live longer than single men.
However, I will say that for THeVeryTruth’s own good he might want to change his perspective. Perspective is everything. He can choose to look at his circumstances and get angry and feel sorry for himself and maybe even resent God a little (I know I have -I mean not even one single date in 26 years and counting -but that’s neither here or there) OR he can fix his eyes on the REAL prize: Christ. It’s a decision that needs to be made -a hard one -but one worth making.
I have truly been blessed by these posts! I have been wanting to talk to someone for a long time about this and this feels like the best place to do so. I am few weeks away from marrying a man who my family and friends totally approve of, good Christian, treats me right and all, but suddenly I am beginning to think he isn’t good looking and it makes me shy to introduce him to my friends. Could that be a good reason to be skeptical about marriage to him and want to pull out at this stage?
Is it better for you to marry a tall/handsome devil that you will regret in the near future or marrying God’s choice for your life? Beauty fades with time. I will advise you to go for a man that loves you and if you have peace of mind within you, please don’t hesitate to take the plunge. I wish you all the best.
Amen! VERY GOOD ARTICLE!!! VERY!!!?
I am just curious! What did you decide?
Oooooooooohhhhh may the LORD GOD ALMIGHTY blesssss you richly for publishing this article! Wow!!!!!!! This was sooooo edifying and a confirmation in more ways than 1! What else can I say -OVERCOME VICTORY GLORY FREEDOM LOOSED FROM CAPTIVITY all these will not justify how I feel right now! I choose to wait!!! and I choose to wait for GOD’s CHOICE!!!!!!!!!! Hallleluuuuuuujaaaaah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you Lyn, you have touched our hearts with your comments. May you be blessed!
I read this article and some things really hit home. I’m searching for an answer to a question that probably is too specific. But how is one to know whether or not the choice is God’s choice?
I hope this helps. Don’t take my words without testing them against God’s. When it comes to knowing God’s choice the first thing to consider is has he prepared you to be married? By this I mean: 1. Is God sufficient for you? 2. Is God your first love? 3. Do you know you are a complete person made in the image of God and whole on your own with him? If these 3 things are not considered you may be looking for identity in another.
Next, does your life hold and display the type of character shown in 1 Corinthians 13 and Galatians 5:22-23? If your life is not emanating these, you’re just going to hurt whoever you’re in a relationship with. If God has prepared you in this way and then it is God’s choice. Is the God fearing member of the other sex displaying the same characteristics of Holiness and is he or she content to walk along side you?
Largely it’s listening to the Holy Spirit and your conscience and comparing their life to the word of God that lets you know if its God’s choice. For further reading I would recommend 1 John, to further clear up what character they must have.
I hope this helps and is not too vague. Remember just because God has prepared you in the manner I said earlier, it doesn’t mean he did it for marriage. It just means you’re ready for it if that’s what God wills. He may have prepared you for a glorious life of a single mission, which is why it is so important. Whether you marry or stay single God is to be your first love.
Outstanding Dan. Thank you for sharing this. My husband Steve and I agree with what you have written whole-heartedly –especially about testing the words of human beings (yours, ours, or any others) against God’s. We hope others will pay attention to what you have written… it’s good advice.
Hi, I am really so blessed by this article. I really want to talk to someone about this. I was in a relationship for about 8 yrs. Then I was too young to really pray to God if I was doing the right thing or not. Now I realize that God definitely has a plan for me and I decided to let go. I met someone else and even before we got close I saw a vision where he was beating me up in the dream. And before then, he never showed any sign of anger what so ever, until it happened physically and it’s like something takes over him when he gets angry. He has been begging me that he needs help.
Also, my ex wants me back. I’m so confused. Did God show that to keep away or to help him? I just keep seeing things about him even before it happens. I’ve never been connected with someone else like this before, apart from this. He is a wonderful God fearing person, and especially has the qualities I prayed for in a husband. Please, I’m really in a confused state right now. Thanks.
Hello, I’ve been in a relationship with someone for the past 7 years. He has really been a blessing to me. My parents had a difficult marriage, which made me scared of marriage so from a very young age, I’ve been asking God to pair me with the right person. He came along and seemed to be the answer to my prayers. We are ready to take the next step (marriage) but I have this strong urge to seek God’s mind. Is he the right one for me?? I don’t want to make a mistake because I let my emotions mislead me.
He is loving, kind and has never laid a finger on me. However recently, it seems something always comes up to make us quarrel. I don’t know if this is God’s way of making me pause and think carefully but I really want to know if he is truly God’s choice for me.
I’m in a relationship for 7 years, even got engaged to a wonderful man. And everyone in my family loves him. But I made this commitment at a very young age, and didn’t even pray about it if he’s the right partner for me or not. Last year I meet another man, whom I so loved and I think he also did but I can’t be double minded and I have put myself in a situation which I can’t fix, while at the end of the day I don’t want to hurt any of the man. They are both good men. Sometimes I just think of digging a hole and get inside it because I’m so confused and hurting. I’m trusting in God to lead me in this situation and I understand I have put myself into it, but can’t solve it at myself.
I am dating a lady who accept gifts from me but refuses to give me her mind anytime I ask for marriage. I prayed over this for a year now. Anytime I pray I see her as the Holy Spirit reveals but it is like she pulls back. Is it that I am using my own mind or God is in connection to this?
I’m so blessed and touched about this article. I have the father of my baby. He sent his uncles at home for lobola negotiation while he was having an affair with another lady. I saw them and I dumped him. Now he comes back, expecting me to take him back. I have been praying for him to marry me but this, I don’t know if he is the one or not. Please help me.
As a Muslim reading this article, I find it more than inspiring to read advice that resonates so much with Islamic principles. A very well written article that, among with many other materials, is aiding me in decisions relating to my future path where I find myself faced with a choice between ‘love’ because of attraction to a person Vs love of my faith because of attraction to another due to his religious commitment, beliefs and practices. Thank you for sharing such article :)