Are You and Your Spouse Drifting Apart?

Are you and your spouse drifting apart? If you are or you have been (or will), it’s no big surprise.

We hear this continually! One spouse or both will say, “We just drifted apart.” We especially hear it from those who are trying to justify divorcing. But we’re not surprised about this happening in a marriage. It happens! As someone named Debra wisely said,

“The natural trajectory of marriage is drift; that’s what’s going to happen, like in the ocean. That’s what you should expect in marriage instead of being surprised by it.

“But the whole goal of lifestyle choices is how do you fight the drift? If you do nothing and take a passive stance, drift is going to happen. That’s because you can’t rest. You have to constantly adopt an active approach. And the more kids you have the more drift happens because there are so many different things to navigate.

“One of the biggest traps is assuming that this is just a season, and you don’t have to put in the work right now. Well, this season may pass, but so will your marriage.”

We totally agree! We’ve seen it happen over and over again. Life has a way of squeezing in between us to make the drift all the more dramatic.

But our answer to those who give us the “drifting apart” line is to tell them, “Then do what it takes to drift back together.” That sounds crass, but it’s true. We say that because it CAN be done. It’s not easy, but it IS possible.

Drifting Apart?

A big problem in today’s world though, is that too many people think that once you “fall out of love” or once the spark leaves the relationship, it’s all over. You’ll never be able to love your partner again in a way that is romantic. And that just isn’t true. We’ve seen that it isn’t true! Our own marriage is an example of that. But thank God, our Heavenly Father, whose very name means LOVE proved to us (and others) that He can teach us to love each other again in a REAL way (even when we thought our love was completely dead. And if He has done that with us and He can do that with you. But we both have to be willing to participate. A good marriage doesn’t just happen. May we never forget:

“The marriage ceremony isn’t like graduation; rather it’s similar to the first day of kindergarten! It’s not the culmination, but the beginning.” (Susan Alexander Yates)

You can see from the Featured Video below that holding hands in the beginning can be cute for others to witness. It’s a great start. But things can happen to interfere with the “cuteness”:

It’s sad that they drifted apart for a while. But at least they finished well in the end.

Lesson?

The lesson we see in this is how sweet it is to be holding hands with each other in the beginning of our life together. At the wedding everyone thinks it’s so romantic, and the couples and the witnesses expect it to be that way.

“Most people don’t stand in front of a church full of people and pledge their love for each other thinking they will be standing in a courtroom dividing their property and arguing over custody of their kids. Most marriages just drift to these places. Most drift to mediocrity. It’s not something we intend to happen…it’s just something that we allow to happen. After a while our marriage is the way, it is, and we settle for it.”

But that doesn’t mean it has to stay that way! We can work to make things better. However, as Justin Davis continues to write:

“…Great marriages don’t happen. Great marriages are a choice. The great thing is that today could be the day you choose to stop drifting. Today could be the day you turn it around. It won’t be easy. It won’t be instant…but nothing worth having is easy or instant. It will be worth it.” (From the article, “10 Signs Your Marriage is Drifting”)

Again, it’s great to have a great relationship in the beginning of your marriage. But what’s even better is to be holding hands and holding one another’s affections long after you’ve been married. THAT’S the hard part; but it can also be the sweeter part.

Choices To Make When Drifting Apart

It all comes down to choices. Both “partners” have to find ways to “choose one another” when they see the drifting occurring. And that involves making continual everyday choices, both large and small that say, “yes” to their relationship.

It’s like what Dr Kevin Leman says,

“Marriage has no automatic pilot. You can’t flick a switch and lean back and forget about it. You have to stay at the controls, making adjustments, making it fly. Every day you have to decide to love your mate. Everyday.”

If you don’t, the drift that will separate you can grow greater and greater. Kathleen Billings explain:

“I read a story about an experiment off the coast of Brazil. Two bottles were dropped in the ocean off a boat at exactly the same time and right next to each other. One bottle washed up on the coast of Ecuador 100 days later and the other bottle went across the Atlantic Ocean and washed up on the coast of Tanzania a year later. The bottles started off in the same place. But they ended up a half a world apart. It’s the same in marriage—it’s so easy to drift apart and not even realize you’re doing it!

But:

“Setting goals together and following through will help you consciously stay close, so that you don’t end up half a world apart. If you want to prevent a drift in your relationship, you must be intentional. Can you set a goal to have a weekly date night or get away together for a few days? My husband Troy and I try to go on a date at least 2-3 times a month. We also get away somewhere alone once a year for a few days. This ‘date’ time has been a huge blessing for our marriage!”

Don’t Lose Sight

Steve and I have gone through many times where we’ve drifted apart in our marriage relationship. We’ve made poor choices, or no choice —which in itself is a bad choice. But thankfully, in more recent years, we’ve learned not to allow ourselves to lose sight of each other to the point where it takes a mammoth effort to paddle back together again.

In the first part of our marriage, we didn’t! And that’s why it took so much work to get our marriage into a better place again (and again and again, until we finally started to wise up).

A number of years ago, we came across the following letter, which was posted in a magazine (can’t even remember the name of the magazine —but the advice has helped us often). A mom, who gave this to her daughter on her wedding day, wrote the following.

In It She Addressed Her Daughter:

“Dear Meg,
Living with your dad hasn’t always been easy. But it’s been fun, and full, and most wonderful —especially, because of you!

“However, it wasn’t fate that brought us together… I chose him and he chose me. We now choose each other every day in small ways —like when he calls to tell me he’ll be a little late after seeing a client.

“I choose him when I remember to check with him before making a social engagement.

“In the past, we chose with our hearts and our heads. But now I know that a good marriage also means choosing with our actions.

“Once you make your choice, I know your heart, your head and your actions will make your marriage work.

…Love, Mom”

Isn’t that great advice to receive on your wedding day? How we hope it was well received by both the bride and the groom! We also hope the advice has been lived out in their marriage! If it was and is, Meg, her husband, and anyone else who follows it will do SO much better than it would be possible otherwise.

What/Who Do You Choose?

In closing, we’re going to share with you something we’ve learned that has helped us to choose each other. And when we live it out, it has helped us to continually grow closer to each other, rather than distancing us, in our relationship.

One way in which I (Cindy) show that I choose Steve, is when:

I make the effort to be an ENCOURAGER instead of a DISCOURAGER.
I make the choice to be a DISPENSER of GRACE, rather than a vessel of criticism.

And that isn’t always easy. As a matter of fact, it often isn’t easy (for either of us)! It comes pretty natural to drift into being vessels of criticism. It takes real intentionality to be dispensers of grace. But to my dying day, I pray I never stop being pro-active in dispensing grace. I want to choose Steve in big ways and small ways every day of our lives together. And with God’s empowering, I will —so help me God.

And what’s especially great is that Steve has pledged the same to me. Thank You Lord! But even so, I will. So help me God, I will!

If you and your spouse find yourselves drifting apart from each other in your marriage, please know that the Marriage Missions web site is filled with articles and skill-building tools that have helped (and continue to help) us to keep our marriage afloat in positive ways. Please look around and use what God shows you will work for your marriage. You can’t do your spouse’s part. But you can do yours.

And may God bless you in your efforts!

Steve and Cindy Wright

— ADDITIONALLY —

To help you grow further, we give a lot of personal stories, humor, and more practical tips in our book, 7 ESSENTIALS to Grow Your Marriage. We hope you will pick up a copy for yourself. (It’s available both electronically and in print form.) Plus, it can make a great gift for someone else. It gives you the opportunity to help them grow their marriage. And who doesn’t need that? Just click on the linked title or the picture below:

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