Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. (Galatians 5:25)
Deciding who you will marry is one of the most important decisions you will ever make. In a kingdom courtship, the primary reason for marriage should be the conviction that a particular match is God’s choice for you. It should not be just a good choice, but God’s choice.
Good or Bad Choice?
Most of the time, you won’t have the luxury of choosing between people or circumstances that are totally bad or totally good. Nearly all your choices will appear good in some way, but only one will be part of God’s perfect plan —His best for you. The chief enemy you fight in choosing God’s best will be your own strong inclination to make a good choice instead of a God choice.
Before you can determine whom to marry, you must first answer an preliminary question: Does God want you to marry anyone, ever? Or is His plan for you to remain single? Scripture teaches that marriage, like salvation, is an unmerited gift from God (Genesis 2:18). When God wanted Adam to have a wife, He brought her to him. Their marriage was a gift from God.
Scripture Tells Us that Singleness is God’s Gift As Well.
“I wish that all men were as I am. but each man has his own gift from God,“ said the apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:7. He wished all men were single like he was and free from the stresses of married life so they could devote themselves to God’s work. “But each man has his own gift from God.” In other words, God will either give to a person the gift of being married or the gift of being single.
People who are perpetually lonely as singles are usually the same people who are worried about what isn’t happening to them instead of what they should be doing to minister to others. Their focus is inward, not upward. In 1 Corinthians 7, we’re told to acknowledge singleness as good, allow it for our spiritual growth and use it for God.
C.S. Lewis
C. S. Lewis was single most of his life. He taught at Oxford and Cambridge Universities and used his free time as a single to write some of the best Christian literature available in the world today. As he was nearing retirement age, he met and married a woman he came to love intensely. Sadly, they only had 3 short years together. What would the world have missed if Lewis had married earlier someone whom God had not chosen?
It happens. Singles become consumed with the idea of how wonderful life would be if they just had a marriage partner, and then they make concessions and compromises that lead to marriage out of God’s timing and out of God’s will. To feel accepted by another person and avoid the stigma of being single, they enter into unhealthy relationships and compromise values they once held dear.
Beware of Slipping
The more consumed you become with the idea of marriage, the more easily you can slip into a pattern of fantasizing. It might start as innocently as fantasizing about being with another person. It might be someone you know at work or church. Then you might progress to fantasizing about the children you’d have together or where you would live. If they continue unchecked, your thoughts could become a full-blown X-rated video that stays stuck on replay in your mind until it replays in your life. The powerful feelings that accompany such thoughts can lead people into marriages God never ordained and intimate relationships He never approved.
Thoughtful Reflections
The Bible declares that as a man “thinketh in heart, so is he“ (Proverbs 23:7, KJV). What a strange thought! How can you think with your heart? We normally associate thought with the brain and feelings with the heart. The phrase “to think in the heart” refers to thoughtful reflection. Many ideas are briefly entertained by the mind without ever penetrating the heart. But those ideas that do grasp us in our innermost parts are the ideas that shape our lives. When our thoughts are corrupted, our lives follow suit. We are what we think.
“Gift” of Singleness
If God gives you the gift of singleness, He may use that quality in a way that wouldn’t be available to you as a married person. It may be for a season or it may be for a lifetime. God’s sovereign will is always meant for your good and His glory. If and when God decides you can best serve Him as a team member with a life partner, you won’t need to change Sunday school classes, search the singles ads, or join a dating service He will work out the circumstances. “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD“ (Proverbs 18:22). This favor of the Lord is what God extends to His children in arranging the circumstances for them to meet their life partners.
Circumstances Could Be Worse
It also helps to remember that there are a great many circumstances worse than not being married. One of them is being married to someone who doesn’t share your love and desire for God. This person could be someone whose commitment divides your commitment.
Powerful Lesson
The life of Hudson Taylor is a powerful lesson in the value of God’s wisdom regarding marriage. Taylor was an English missionary who died in 1910 after spending more than 50 years as a missionary in China. When he went there in 1854, nearly 380 million people in the country’s interior had never seen a Westerner. They had also never heard the name of Christ. With a heart for God, Taylor penetrated deep into Chinese culture. He dressed like the Chinese, learned their language, and lived among them. By the end of his life, 205 preaching stations, 849 missionaries, and 125,000 Chinese Christians were a testimony to a life surrendered to God.
Ripple Effect
Hudson Taylor wielded a spiritual influence far beyond China. Even today, the ripple effect of his ministry is a part of our lives. The Chinese Christians number in the hundreds of thousands world-wide. Taylor was single when he left England, but he eventually married another missionary in China. A small sentence in one history book has always intrigued me: “In England, Taylor had left behind his unfinished medical studies and the girl he had hoped to marry. She had refused to come with him.” What would the world have missed if Taylor had stayed home to marry someone God hadn’t chosen?
God tested Taylor when He made him choose between God’s will and his own desires. The day came in Taylor’s life when he had to decide if it was important to be in God’s will or be married —the God choice over the good choice.
God still tests us today.
We can’t assume that the woman Taylor left behind was ugly, irritable, or contentious. He was a man of character who probably kept the company of godly woman. Many people may have thought it was a good match, and perhaps the couple could have had a good marriage. But every good choice isn’t God’s choice.
If God gives you the gift of singleness, He may use that quality in a special way. It’s something that wouldn’t be available to you as a married person—for a season or a life time.
God Still Had a Plan
God’s favor wasn’t lost on Hudson Taylor. In China, he eventually met and fell in love with 22-year-old Maria Dyer, the much-admired daughter of prestigious missionary parents. They had an uncommonly happy marriage because they shared a deep passion to evangelize China even at great personal sacrifice.
Seven years before his marriage to Maria and after his breakup with his fiancé, Taylor made a God choice that was painful and agonizing at the time. “What can I do?” he wrote to his sister. “I know I love her. To go to China without her would make the world a blank.” Instead of the “blank” life Taylor feared —the life we all fear—God brought purpose to his pain and honored his sacrifice. Even though it may have felt like a long wait, God was in the waiting. And so it is with us.
Don’t Miss the Best
When we decide on our own that we’re in love with another person and refuse to seek or wait for God’s instruction, He will allow us to choose the good. But we will miss the best—His perfect will. The problem is that things don’t work right when we’re in only the permissive will of God (1 Corinthians 6:12).
In his popular workbook, Experiencing God, Henry Blackaby suggests we “find out where God is working and join Him there.” We, on the other hand, are more likely to say, “God, here’s the person I want to marry. Will You bless us?” The difference is the approach. One approach puts God at the center while the other puts ourselves at the center. When we make choices independent of God and then ask for His blessing, we’re asking God to approve an idea that originated with us, not Him.
Adjust to Doing Things God’s Way
Throughout Scripture, God always takes the initiative. He sets the agenda. “We adjust our lives to God so He can do through us what He wants to do,” says Blackaby. “God is not our servant to make adjustments to our plans. We are His servants and we adjust our lives to what He is about to do.”
Once again we’re back to the difference between a good idea and a God idea. How many times have we heard people say, “If God gave me a brain, He must expect me to use it”? Even though God gave us the ability to reason and make choices, what did He say about our thoughts compared to His?
We’re Told in Isaiah 55:8-9:
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”
God’s knowledge and wisdom are far greater than ours. He can see the entire landscape while we concentrate on a single valley. We would be foolish to try to fit God into our mold and conform Him to our plans. Yes, He did give us a brain, and we should be smart enough to know that God’s even smarter.
Good Idea VS God’s Idea
Once again, what’s the difference between a good idea and a God idea? A good idea will work some of the time. But God’s ideas will work all the time. Scripture warns us not to lean on our own understanding but to trust God wholeheartedly (Proverbs 3:5). When we’re not willing to submit to God’s leadership in our lives, God will let us follow our own devices. In following them, we will never experience what God is waiting and wanting to do in us and through us.
Go With God
Christians must realize that it’s more important to be certain that a marriage is God’s will than to judge our suitability for marriage by love, attraction, or compatibility. Our situations change and we grow through the years. We cannot predict future compatibility on our own. When we accept compatibility as a primary basis of marriage, we can be led into cultural traps. One of these traps could be living together before marriage to make sure we are compatible. Only God knows the end from the beginning. He is the one who creates love, not man.
Ruth and Naomi
It was Ruth’s mother-in-law, Naomi, who made the choice of a husband for her (Ruth 3). It wasn’t love at first sight, getting to know each other, or even a passionate kiss that brought Boaz and Ruth together. Romance wasn’t the issue. But the story later became romantic as Ruth and Boaz developed an unselfish love and deep respect for each other. The issue was obedience, a “rightness” about the relationship. God was working in the situation, and He was using Naomi’s kindness and moral integrity to guide Ruth. As a result, Ruth later became the great-grandmother of King David and direct ancestor of Jesus.
Passionate Love?
Does the story of Boaz and Ruth interrupt your romantic vision of passionate love? Would you like the story more if the two had been lovers who glimpsed each other across the wheat field and became passionately attracted? It happens to some people in some situations, but the qualities that are attractive in the beginning may prove difficult to live with in the long run. The man who falls in love with a woman’s attentiveness may find it is the very quality that drives him crazy when he can’t get enough space. The woman who falls in love with a man’s drive to succeed may eventually find that quality irritating and destructive. He may end up spending more time at work than at home.
Critical Choice
Dr. Neil Clark Warren, author of the book Finding the Love of Your Life, says your choice of whom to marry is more critical than everything else combined. “If you choose wisely,” he says, “your life will be significantly easier and infinitely more satisfying. But if you make a serious mistake, your marriage may fail, causing you and perhaps your children immeasurable pain. Most of the failed marriages I have encountered were in trouble the day they began dating. The two people involved simply chose the wrong person to marry.”
What might seem like a good choice at the time may not be a God choice for a lifetime. If you “lean on your own understanding,” you may someday feel like the person who fell out of the raft into the Colorado River. The more you struggle, the deeper you go.
The Larger Picture
Just as Ruth was unaware of the larger purpose God had in mind for her life, you can’t see the larger picture of your life. Because of Ruth’s faithful obedience, her life and legacy carried great significance even though she couldn’t see the end result. In a similar way, your faithfulness to God’s leadership will bring a significance to your life. It’s one that will extend beyond your lifetime. The question is not how to find a mate, but who will find the mate. God will direct you in choosing God’s best.
This edited article can be found in the great book, Choosing God’s Best: Wisdom for Lifelong Romance
Filed under: Single Yet Preparing
This article has brought me to tears upon reading it, truly a God sent must read. I googled positive Christian single stories & scrolled down to find this. The funny thing is that I JUST watched God’s Not Dead and Isaiah 55:8-9 was quoted near the end of this movie & is used here, as well.
I’ve been struggling with being alone for some time, even today it was a point of topic at Bible study when an elderly man asked, “How have you managed to stay unmarried?” I said I was engaged once for 4 years but felt my life would not be as it should with this very nice person. He was not a devoted Christian, strong head, nor was I at the time. I’m certain I never would have become one with him either, as our life style was very worldly.
We talked about arranged marriages & their success rates. A young Indian woman there said she would never marry an Indian man & I said, “At 35 I would be more then happy to have an arranged marriage.” I was making a joke but found myself saying seriously a minute later, “if God arranges it.”
I will be erasing my two online dating profiles & giving this matter over to God. I have a deep faith & an overwhelming sense of resolve that I’m being built up to be matched w/ God’s choice for me. In the meantime I will clear my mind of any mystery man that’s just out of reach & accept my single self in this present day as it’s a gift in itself. Praise God!
Oh my!! Sounds like me. By the way THANKS to those who put up this article. GOD bless you all in Christ Jesus’ name. Amen.
Recently, I took account of my Feb 14th, we know the way most of us take this day as a big issue. While I’m not crazy for gifts and all [I just want to know I have someone, other than God, my parents and siblings, a ‘special’ someone], I realised that somehow, I’ve never really, really, really being with anyone on Feb 14 [and by ‘being with’ I’m referring to a partner whether he’s a thousand miles away or not at the time] that I can confidently call mine. Like I’m dating (courting) this person at this time.
A few days back, my daily devotion booklet brought me to ask forgiveness for the times I tried to act God’s role in my life (how often I do that… :( ) Then I remember something I read somewhere about Abraham Lincoln at breakfast with some church heads or so. When they prayed for God to be on their sides, Lincoln said it was better that they be on God’s side. Many a time as Christians, we say God is our ALL in ALL buhhht our actions depict us being God’s all in all (absolute impossibility).
So, for my Feb 14th, the thought crossed my mind that God probably wants me to enjoy having just HIM (and my family as it is) as my LOVE!!! So, next Feb 14th, I’m looking to have a special date with HIM (of course I’m not dissing HIM before then…don’t get me wrong please. We’ll be loving ourselves every day till then and after too).
If HE chooses to bring a third party (some young man who fears HIM), fine! But, for now, I’m planning for just two… HIM and me!!! I’m taking HIM real serious now!!! HE COMES FIRST!!! This jealous GOD of mine that I’m able to call… ABBA! FATHER!
Hi, I was in relationship with my colleague and friend who is a Christian but not deep in faith for 3 years and I prayed about marrying him but figured out that it is not God’s will and spoke to my boy friend about ending this relationship. He is not convinced with my decision and he feels that it is God’s will since we were able to pull this through fine so far.
He has lost his parents and left with no one. Our relationship was the only hope he had but I had to leave him now. I’m not able to get over this relationship and am unable to take any step ahead in life, career or spiritual life. I’m constantly worried that I have betrayed him and not able to think about anything. I dont know how to make him understand it is not God’s will and sometimes I feel doubtful if it is really not God’s will. Please help me out!
Hello, good morning, my name is Derek. I’m a Catholic man that is in love with a Christian woman. I met a female name Michelle on a website social dating website. We exchanged messages before exchanging numbers. After receiving her number we had our first conversation. I can say our first conversation was the most remarkable conversation I’ve ever had with a woman and for a long time it was filled with God.
She was just so overwhelmingly humble and was accurately speaking the word of God that attracted me not only to her but caused me to question my Catholic religion. Long before her I was seeking answers on where I belong, who am I, what is my purpose, and I’ve been having doubts and was unconfident with a lot of things and rules that the Catholic religion believes.
So with that being said, Michelle enlightened me in many ways with the Christian word, and besides absorbing the information she was giving me, this led us to start to face time (for those who don’t know of FaceTime, it’s a video chat that is connected with your iPhone where you can call another person and see their face that is why it’s called face time).
After 5 days of Michelle and I face timing I began to feel feelings that I haven’t felt in such a long time, feelings that I could honestly say felt God sent. What is interesting is she told me the same thing. The differences were that Michelle always used to call a dark and handsome man, but in my case I am an average height, handsome man, with light skin. She would tell me that she is shocked on how she feels for me because she’s not used to being with a guy of my complexion or nor my height and to make things more interesting, we were equally yoked due to the fact that I’m Catholic and she’s a Christian.
So one day soon at night with all the strong feelings, within the week and extremely strong even though she’s been practicing celibacy for about four years (she’s been into it with her religion …she’s following the word of God to guide to guide her to the max) Michelle wakes up and tells me we should have a day off of not speaking. I need to know if you’re my husband. So I said okay.
Then the next day Michelle told me of her dreams and things that I nurture and tells me she’s not my office I’m not her husband, and I could see that bothers me because I couldn’t understand. I CCed her heart answer, that it was God-given. It was a bit discouraging actually, because here I am two to three years of being single and not necessarily searching for a companion. I met one one that I was not prepared for, one that I do not have these feelings for such a short period of time.
So I asked her to tell me her feelings. She no longer wanted to face time me; she refused to videochat with me. She said that is not good. I don’t want my emotions to be involved with my decisions. And I said to her correct. Before I said God will make someone find you, but you have to see them. You know it’s not like I told her; it’s not like God is going to send you a text saying this is the one you have to see. When you see him you feel something instantly and we were there in the beginning but now she’s telling me it’s her emotions. She’s looking at me giving off feelings that this is not God sent and asks if they’re sexual. She said no; it’s my eyes. I’m seeing that she is just fighting a gift that God sent. This is because I am not what she’s physically used to because in her dream, after mentioning it to me, she said oh, I saw a man I was tall and dark.
I said okay, but what was the skin complexion? She couldn’t tell me how he looked. I said to myself, is it that probably her self conscience that told her?Maybe she so wants me; she has a feeling so deeply for me that was she trying to see a tall man and is confused. I make her laugh all the time. Within that dream comedians were popping up. I’m just really confused. I wouldn’t want the person that got sent to me and to her misread the message that God’s giving her because I truly feel that I’m in love with her. Please help.
It is very sad that God punishes many of us with Singleness since he Blesses so many others with a wife and family, and Loneliness is a very serious thing nowadays. Cancer kills much quicker, but Loneliness is a very Painful and Slow Death.
If truly she was God sent, things would have worked out better after she sought God’s face. Obviously she has some amount of feelings for you. The reason she stopped face timing, was to enable her get over you. Relax, and discover the reason for your singleness. You will find you’re God sent, at the right time and in the right place where God has ordained for you. Until then, stop trying to figure it out. God’s ways are not our ways and His thoughts not ours.
To Kas, I really met a nice woman that I was blessed to connect with. Thanks very much for your support.
Am in a relationship wit a girl who I would want to marry but don’t know if it’s God’s choice for me. My parents are not fully in support especially my mum. But I truly love her because I seem not able to let go despite her flaws. what do I do? I need Godly counsel, I want to marry – but God’s choice.
I am in a 15 year marriage. Life for my children and I have been up and down like a roller coaster. We have difficult challenges in emotional, spiritual, social, and financial areas of our lives because I made a good choice to marry a man instead of allowing my choice to be “God’s Choice”.
My question to this ministry is, should I stay in this stressful and unprosperous marriage or do I divorce so that I can in all hopes live and experience the good that Jesus intended for me since the beginning?
You are thinking about getting divorced only because you have problems? Maybe you should take a look at other couples’ lives. How much they suffered in the past and continued being married. Who told you that marriage was made to make us happy? Marriage is made for us to have someone to face the problems of life together, to suffer together, to resist evil together, to pray together, to overcome together, to cry together, to moan under the heavy burdens of live together.
WHAT A NICE ARTICLE! THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST CRITICAL AND IMPORTANT PART OF ONES LIFE. GOD CAN SPEAK TO US IN MANY WAYS: THE WORD, THE SPIRIT AMONG OTHERS. PRAY GOD WILL GUIDE US DAILY AS WE MOVE TOWARDS OUR MARITAL LIFE.
Please, I seriously need an urgent answer to this question. I prayed about a lady and God said she is my wife though she is not my choice for this reason 1. She is the mother of one; secondly she is wayward up til now. But I respect the voice of God. I determined to marry her and I proposed to her but did not ready for now because she still wants to flex around. She did not agree. Now since God has said she is good for me but did not ready for me, please what should I do?
John, I want to caution you about attributing what you think you heard to God. Often times the enemy of our faith can disguise himself as God. Any time you have a sense of “confusion” over a decision this most often means it comes from Powers of Darkness who is called “the great deceiver.” What you describe about this situation makes me think that this is the case here because God brings peace, not confusion. And all of this flies against scripture and what God’s living picture of what marriage represents, especially spiritually. God doesn’t go against His Word.
Just the things you say about this woman is a blaring siren saying, “Warning! Warning! Something is wrong here.” Until such time as she makes a 100% full commitment to Jesus Christ (not just “God”) I would not even try to move forward with this relationship because you would be unequally yoked, which is again contrary to what God tells us to do in His Word.
Understand that IF you pursue this and she agrees to marry you, you are making a life-long commitment to her whether she changes spiritually or not; whether she continues to fool around or not; whether she brings sexually transmitted disease into your home or not. If you are sure, that you are sure, that you are sure that GOD Himself told you to marry this woman, and not a contrary spirit trying to mess things up for you spiritually, emotionally, and otherwise, then you will HAVE to stay married to this woman, which again, wouldn’t make sense that God would lead you that way. I’m very suspicious, to say the least. Remember, the enemy is very good at disguising truth… making it SEEM like truth, when it isn’t.
I believe God is giving you ample warning that this woman is NOT His choice for you. I believe God is warning you through the uneasiness you are feeling in your spirit that you are being deceived and NOT to do this.
Go back into our web site and go into the Single Yet Preparing topic because you will find a lot of articles that can help you discern what God’s REAL plan is for you. I hope this helps. Blessings! ~ Steve Wright, Marriage Missions International
I love this. It enlighlitens me though am in the same problem of either good choice or bad choice. My big brother passed away leaving 4 daughters and a widow who is young. After the widow had prayed for more than four years to get a partner God spoke to her that it’s me who should marry her this was confirmed by different pastors though I was against it because she is my elder and I love her so much as my big sister.
But my family could not listen to me saying that if God said it and I don’t marry her we will be killed by devil worshiper i.e my father. So I was forced to marry her out of fear and obedience but since then I don’t have any feeling for her. Please help. Is my marriage valid because I loved my fiancee very much and I was forced to break up with her because of this.
I want to ask a man that has been married with three come to propose to a lady saying God revealed that the lady is his wife though him and his wife are separated. Please advise.
What a wonderful article. I have made horrible choices for a mate in the past. As I’ve allowed God’s thoughts and ways to become mine. I’ve seen a drastic change. God’s spirit with God’s word will guide us into God’s truth. I am in a waiting, preparing season right now. It’s been very precious to get to know the Lord in a more intimate way. This season of my life is a blessing.
This is one of the best articles I have ever read on this subject.
When you pray to God you have to work towards it, because if you pray and just relax like that, your wish will not be granted when you pray you work towards it okay.
That is true. This article has really touched my heart.
Wow! This is an awesome post .I’m greatly blessed by reading this post. Thanks!
I quite agree with this post completely. It was really educative.
Where in the scripture does it say being single is a gift from?