This article focuses on the marital sexual relationship. The questions posed concern oral sex, novelty items, and whether or not they are biblically sanctioned.
So what about oral sex?
This is the most common question asked by both men and women at the seminars I hold. A close second behind vaginal intercourse, oral sex, or fellatio, is a highly desired sexual activity for men. Many men also like to give orally to their wives. They like to stimulate the clitoris with their tongues instead of their fingers or a vibrator. Many women enjoy receiving oral sex. But more often when the question is asked, it relates to the wife giving oral sex to her husband.
This involves taking the penis into her mouth and simulating intercourse there, often with a light suction. It may lead to orgasm in the mouth or outside of the mouth.
Surely there is some Bible verse for this one —but there is not. Oral sex is not listed as being prohibited, and God is never caught off guard. It falls within the broad freedoms we possess within marriage to explore each other and discover what pleases the other. (See: 1 Timothy 4:4.)
One reason that oral sex is so desired by men is that it feels good! Another reason lies in the fact that the penis is the symbol of manhood. When a woman acknowledges that organ and gives special attention to it, she is letting her man know that she appreciates him as a man.
It is common for a man to struggle secretly with insecurity regarding his ability to please a woman. He wonders how he compares to any other man she could have had (or has had). Oral sex tells him that he is man enough for her and that she likes what he has to give. And it doesn’t have to continue to climax, but it can be a part of foreplay alone. This is important, because some women do not enjoy oral sex for fear of the ejaculate.
There can be no coercion by either party to get the other to do something they do not want to do. But if both are willing, oral sex can be a wonderful enhancement to marital sex.
Some people ask me about vibrators and other sex toys that they see the world using. Vibratos can be used to help a woman reach orgasm if it is acceptable to each party. Other things that are novelty items may also add some fun to the encounter. I am not a fan of “bondage” items such as leashes, handcuffs, whips and so forth. That is because it may demean and demote the other person. But I would not interfere with what is honestly mutually acceptable to both spouses. There are those who even find various foods such as chocolate, whipped cream or strawberries an exciting addition to lovemaking. It might make a great excuse for your wife to break her diet!
Some couples ask if there is a role for fantasy in sexual intercourse. My opinion is that as long as it involves just those two people, they can pretend to be whatever role they wish. A man can pretend to be a fireman rescuing a woman in distress. But he must still be himself, playing a role. A woman can pretend to be a nurse, giving her “patient” a sponge bath or massage. You get the idea. A word of warning concerning role-playing is that each person must stay true to his gender. The man should never dress up or pretend to be a woman and vice versa.
The Delight of Discovery
God knew that in the sixty to seventy years we might be married to the same person, there would be a lot to learn. Part of the excitement of marriage is the discovery of what makes the other person happy and what pleases them. As our bodies are constantly changing, we will never come to the end of our quest for knowledge and the delight of discovery, if we will only continue to pursue it.
In general, I find men more willing to experiment than women. A certain Puritan ideal, which conveys a false modesty, is prevalent in many Christian circles, even into the bedroom. Many women would never dream of wearing a Victoria’s Secret garment to bed. That is because, in their minds, it conveys the world’s view of sex and women. The real problem with Victoria’s Secret is that it has left the secret place of the bedroom. But it now appears on billboards and television sets across America. It is not wrong in the bedroom if the message you are trying to convey is an invitation to explore the sweet gift God gave your husband when He gave you to him.
An Intimate Portrait
Song of Solomon paints an intimate portrait of a wife who knows how to use the resources God had given her to both arouse and capture her man’s attention:
Why should I be like a veiled woman beside the flocks of your friends? …While the king was at his table, my perfume spread its fragrance. My lover is to me a sachet of myrrh resting between my breasts. (Song of Solomon 1:7, Song of Solomon 1:12-13)
And the man replies:
You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride. You have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace. How delightful is your love, my sister, my bride! How much more pleasing is your love than wine, and the fragrance of your perfume than any spice! …The fragrance of your garments is like that of Lebanon. (Song of Solomon 4:9-11)
This is a biblical portrait of a sensual woman who has perfumed herself. And she has worn garments that are pleasing to her lover. The sensual man makes wise use of those things the Lord has created that bring pleasure to a woman. God has covered the earth with beautiful flowers that display a rich palate of color and fragrance. Women are endowed with an ability to appreciate these gifts of love and affection. A bed sprinkled with rose petals is an invitation to drink deeply of love. The flickering of scented candles is but a prelude to the warm embrace that awaits her.
There are countless other examples I could give of questions I am asked from sincere Christians. The bottom line is that God desires sex to be fulfilling, pleasurable, intimate and lifelong. Sex is not the cure for all of life’s problems. But it has the potential to be far more satisfying than most Christian couples allow it to be. It is not an activity, as men often see it. Nor is it an obligation, as women may tend to view it.
Marital sex is an invitation God extends to a husband and wife. Through it He invites them to know one other person on this planet at a level and depth that will not be found anywhere else this side of heaven.
It is a Sacred Union
In the union of man and wife, or two differing yet complementary strengths, God reveals Himself in His creation. As we experience the riches of marital love and intimacy, we are drawn to the One who is the source of it all. As a result of our loving marital union with our spouse, we can reflect to the world God’s character, His love and His heart.
This article came from the book Intimate And Unashamed. It is written by Scott Farhart, M.D., and is published by Siloam. This is a book that can be used as a guiding light in an area of darkness to most Christians. In it, Dr Farhart, one of the premier Christian physicians of San Antonio, Texas, approaches traditionally forbidden topics boldly.
— ALSO —
To learn more on the oral sex issue, here is a link a related article written by Pastor Mark Gungor, that we recommend you read:
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Filed under: Sexual Issues