What do you do if you’re the one who has done wrong? You have acknowledged your error, but the other person won’t forgive you. Or they say they forgive you, but act like they’re still trying to even the score? Do you have to keep asking for forgiveness? Do you need to beg? What if the other person won’t forgive you?
These are tough questions. Most marriages deal with this problem at some point. It’s relatively easy to restore a relationship when both partners are willing —one willing to seek forgiveness and the other willing to forgive. But when the wronged partner is unforgiving, what can the guilty partner do?
Closed Spirit
First, remember the closed hand. The unforgiving partner has probably closed his or her spirit to you, and you need to find ways of reopening it. This can’t done that by yelling, warning, shaming, or threatening. “You call yourself a Christian? You have to forgive me or I’ll tell everyone at church what you’re really like!”
Will that help to open anyone’s spirit? Of course not. The fist will just tighten further.
You do not want to go on the offensive in this situation. Remember your position. You have done wrong, and you have caused pain. You are now asking a favor. Even if you are both Christians, forgiveness cannot be demanded. Your partner does not owe it to you. You are asking your partner to take a chance on you, a chance to be hurt again. Your partner has every right to have a closed spirit. Now, is there any way to coax it open?
Apology is First
The first attempt is the apology, which you have already offered. Was it sincere? Did you recognize the full extent of your misdeeds? Was it unconditional?
Let’s go to the example of Wilma. Let’s say her apology went something like this: “I’m sorry I threw away your stuff, but you really needed to get rid of it anyway.”
That’s what we call a conditional apology. These usually contain a yeah-but clause in them. If there was any excuse or but in your apology, then go back and apologize more sincerely.
Or you may have used blame shifting in your apology. Kids are especially good at this technique: “I know you told me not to go in the water, but Joey pushed me.” (That’s one I used as a kid.) Even adults use this technique at times: “I know I said I’d be home by 6:00, but my boss wanted me to..”
Take Full Responsibility
While Joey or the boss may have affected your behavior, you still need to take full responsibility for the wrong you committed. “My boss asked me to stay and finish payroll, but I know you told me that you had a doctor’s appointment at 6:00, so I should have called or gotten someone else to fill in for me. I was wrong to come home late today. I know that it really messed up your day, and you have good reason for being angry with me. It is my hope that you will be able to forgive me.” Conditions, excuses, and blame shifting are manipulative. They erode trust rather than restore it.
But what if this has all happened before? You are late for the umpteenth time. If it’s not your boss, it’s the train or the traffic or the terrorist incident that happened on your way home. You have become adept at apologizing with so much practice.
Change in Attitude and Behavior
Do you wonder why you’re not being forgiven? Apologies can lose their effect, after about the tenth or twentieth time. Your partner may be withholding forgiveness because he or she does not trust what you’re saying. That’s why our apologies need to be followed by an attitude or behavioral change. In religious terms, you might call this repentance. You stop the offensive behavior, confess it, and then turn the other way.
This step —repentance —may require some time to demonstrate that you really have changed, such as when Art had to prove to Sylvia that he really could be trusted again. Will your partner’s spirit reopen to you? Maybe. Your only remaining tools are prayer, patience and persistence.
Prayer
Pray that God will open your partner’s spirit, and that He will give you the strength and wisdom to know how to respond.
Patience
When you’re trying to mend fences and your partner is stonewalling, the natural, human reaction is to get mad and resentful. You need patience to continue being nice when you’re getting little or no reinforcement.
Persistence
Don’t continue to apologize, as long as you have done so sincerely. But you do need to persist in your attempts to demonstrate love, concern, and the desire to improve the relationship. This can be done by reassuring hugs, persistent nonsexual touch, and affirming words of encouragement—even if your partner is not as receptive as you’d like.
What if Sylvia didn’t accept Art’s apology after he had been unfaithful to her but felt sorrowful afterwards? And what if she was cold and closed to him for several months? What could Art do to help her forgive him?
Pray First
First, he could pray that God would open her spirit. If Sylvia was willing, they could even pray together.
Then Art would need to show patience, treating her gently and lovingly. He would need to make behavioral changes in order to rebuild trust. But he would also need to make spirit-opening gestures as well. He wouldn’t want to do this in a manipulative way: “Oh, I’ll buy her some flowers and gifts and she’ll get over it eventually.”
Instead he might discuss how he knows that he’s hurt her deeply but that he’s committed to rebuilding the relationship. He might even ask her to give him hand signals from day to day, showing how open or closed her spirit is toward him-a closed fist, a partially open fist, and then a hand which is steadily opening.
Do What Won the Heart at Beginning of Relationship
In a solution-based model, we would ask, “How did Art win Sylvia’s trust during the very beginning of their relationship?” While they were dating, Art paid close attention to her needs, listened to her ideas and concerns, and sent her little cards and notes. They went on special dates, held hands, and exchanged reassuring hugs and kisses. Now Art needs to do all those things that he did to win her over in the beginning.
This article is edited from the book, The Marriage Mender, by Dr Thomas A. Whiteman and Dr Thomas G. Bartlett, published by Navpress. This book gives solution-based tools to begin rebuilding your marriage. With illustrations and exercises, it teaches how to look to the future of your relationship instead of focusing on the past with its problems.
Dr Thomas A. Whiteman is a licensed psychologist who practices with Life Counseling Services in Paoli, Pennsylvania. Dr Thomas G. Bartlett is also a licensed psychologist who practices with Behavioral Healthcare Consultants in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. They both work with troubled couples and have conducted seminars on marriage and divorce recovery through Fresh Start Seminars.
Filed under: Bitterness and Forgiveness
(USA) My wife of 27 years up and told me she could not stand me and wanted a separation. I was deeply stunned by what she said and left to find work up north. I was up there for a month and not a word from her. When I returned she said she was getting her own apartment so I went back for three more months looking for work. When I returned it took her two days to come and see me. I tried talking with her, asking what was her reason, aside from the way she said I paid bills and I told her grandmother she was abusive (her grandmother was staying with us and heard my wife go off on me).
She told me she only married me to make herself legal in God’s eyes. It hurt me deeply. Other things she said was our marriage was based on sex. When we met, we jumped into bed without getting to know one another. 27 years later this came up. Our sex life has been a joke. Her job came before me, her new career came before me, she was tired from her job all the time. Her rejection of me never stopped; I just took it.
I have not been able to locate a job. I am 58 going 59, still looking and trying. My wife says she is a Christian and loves the Lord, yet how she treats me is not in the Bible. I started reading the word and have a better understanding of what God says our marriage should be, but she will not even talk to me.
I am in counceling but she says she does not need it. I vowed to stand for my marriage but am starting to think I should divorce her. I ask for prayer to soften my wife’s hard heart. I pray for her daily. Neither one of us has cheated, yet I am starting to feel the way of the world is correct and I should forget her and move on.
(NIGERIA) I got married at the age of 21 as a virgin from a godly home, thinking my husband will respect, love and care for me. But I was fooled. Two years after we got married he would go 3 months without affection for me. After four years I discovered he was cheating on me, and by then I’m pregnant with the second child. Things became worse. He stopped talking to me (malice). For more than 6 months he was wicked. After personal prayer and fasting, he changed a little but refused to stop cheating. Now he’s not providing for the family as expected, and I’m a student.
I’m tired, and I’m afraid for my children, because his sister’s children (boys) abuse my daughter of 7 years. He does not care what is happening. He does not have a name for me and he calls himself a good Christian. He does not read his Bible, pray or fast. He can never laugh in the house, and worse of all his girlfriends call and abuse me. He also calls them in front of me.
What do I do? Divorce is my last option. I need spiritual advise please.
(USA) I am the mother of 2 with one on the way. My husband has left me and I’m actually not as depressed as I thought I was going to be. He has done this over and over again. He leaves and does his stuff and then comes back. I’m to the point that I’m used to it.
Yes, it hurts that my husband leaves me but I can’t take it anymore. I’m only 22 and he is 23. The first time he left it was devastating. I lost about 25 pounds in a month because of being so stressed out. The reason he leaves is because when I met him I had gone through a really harsh relationship. When we met me I had a son and told him I was not ready. He eventually developed feelings for me and I hadn’t. I still had feelings for my former partner.
I left my husband when I was 3 months pregnant with his daughter to go back with the other guy. I didn’t let my husband be in the delivery room. Now he is angry and hateful. He can’t forgive me. We keep going back and forth but I always have a side of me where I’m scared to say or do things that will remind him of the past, and then he decides to march back. I have apologized and begged and my son adores him and my daughter loves him, so what else can I do? Please help.
(USA) Josselyn, One of these days your husband is going to leave and he won’t return. This in and out game will wear thin after a while and he will most likely find someone else who is less dramatic. If he doesn’t, I’d be surprised. A person can only live with this type of drama so long if there is any common sense ingrained in his character.
There seems to be a lot of playing going on as far as taking advantage of one another’s feelings. You should never have married him if you couldn’t stay faithful to him and stop looking at the “other guy” as an alternative. And then when you left your husband during your pregnancy and robbed him of being in the delivery room, you stole a lifetime memory from him that can never be given back. This is so grievous on so many levels. I’m not sure if you understand how horrible this is. I don’t know his part in all of this, but he was definitely deprived of seeing his daughter born — whether he participated in causing that to happen or not.
I don’t know all of the circumstances of your life together. You’re both so young. But youth should never be an excuse for not doing what it takes to grow up and mature. When you became pregnant with your first, and then your second and now your third, I would have thought that would necessitate your looking reality straight on and saying, “I refuse to ruin the lives of the child/children I am entrusted with by God to raise. I will do whatever it takes to grow up and become a good parent, wife, and woman I am designed to be.” If your husband will participate in this mission — GREAT! If not, his choice to do what he shouldn’t, should not stop you from doing what you should do. You have 3 children to consider here. What are you teaching them about love, faithfulness, honor, conflict resolution, and taking care of and protecting a child?
Josselyn, this is a Christian web site. We believe that marriage is to reveal and reflect the heart of God. The “help” I believe you need can only be obtained on your knees, praying for forgiveness, wisdom and insight as to how to untangle your life so you live it in a way that honors the gifts of life you’ve been entrusted with –yours and those precious children. And then you will find the help you need as you then do things God’s way, rather than the way you’ve previously been living. I can’t see how that is working well, at all.
We have a lot on this web site that God can use to teach you how to approach marriage in a more mature manner. If you don’t take advantage of what you have before you, then I believe you will find life even tougher than you do now, and your children will suffer more, as well. I truly hope the best for you and your children and your marriage. I hope you will learn from your mistakes and go with God from this day forward. May God bless you when you do!
(USA) I cheated on my wife. It only happened once. I told her a few months later. We’ve been married for almost 2 years and I didn’t want to continue hiding it because it tormented me everyday. We definitely talked about it. A lot actually. But I know that most of the time she reserves her anger and rage because of the love that she has for me. She’s an angel and didn’t deserve it.
Now after it’s all said and done and the dust has settled, all I am consumed with is constant doubt. I don’t know what to do. We talk all the time. She’s my best friend. There will be times where we would have this really long, deep, emotionally connecting discussion that I think is slowly healing her heart. But I see that she often started visiting social networking sites. Creating new usernames and email addresses. Figuring out the passwords for old emails from college and whatnot.
The first and last thing I always think is “Who are you to say anything? It’s your fault for starting this and no matter how long it takes you’re gonna wait here until she decides to leave you.” Everyday I get more depressed about it. We’ve been through a lot together, 2 kids, more downs than ups, but through it all I never stopped loving her.
I probably sound like a bad contradiction. Surely to cheat on someone you must stop loving them at some point, right? I mean the respect for the person wasn’t there… I started looking at forums to see what it is I can do to maybe stop her from looking elsewhere for this… a connection that she no longer has with me. In my haste for answers I reviewed our history since we shared a laptop. I’ve only looked once or twice. I hate doing it only because I hate finding out that something…no matter how small…IS going on in her mind. Somewhere in there is something that makes her think, “Im going to do this… now that things have changed.”
I know she’s insecure and the trust issues are there. I know that there really isn’t a timeline for forgiveness, no matter what she says. I confronted her about it the next day. SHe said that she was insecure and needed to hear that she’s pretty from someone who wouldn’t have a biased opinion. Thats what I am now… what I’m labeled in her mind.
I know there’s no going back. I try not to be so negative about it because I’m usually negative about most things. She’s been the only positive thing in my life that I can truly recognize as being an influence. She blessed me with 2 beautiful little girls… and I returned the favor I guess. In my heart, I fear that there’s nothing I can do to save my marriage no matter how much I want to or how hard I WILL try. All I can really do is… idk
(USA) Hi, I read your blog and was very uplifted. I have an issue. My husband wants a divorce. I do not. We live together still, but that it. It is like I have a roommate. I want to reconcile with him but he doesn’t talk to me about us. He is so distant, definitely not the man I married.
How do I get him to change his mind when we don’t speak of us? I have never wanted anything more in my life than to be married to him for the rest of our lives and I love him more than anything. We have been married for 19 years in March and have a 19 year old son in college. Do you have any suggestions for me? I pray every day and it’s as if I’m not being heard.
(US) Patience! Patience! Patience! I tell myself this all the time! I have cheated on my husband. I never in my wildest dreams would have thought that I would be a woman that would do such of a thing!! I would do ANYTHING for him and that is what ruined me –things he wanted me to do that I did not like but did becuz he wanted me to, lead me into another man’s arms.
And after my husband discovered this I tried to go to church and be faithful to him! But seeing that, he still went back to what we both knew pushed me into this other mans arms. I contacted this guy again. Feeling completely guilty for not telling him everything that happened 4 years ago and then talking to this man again I decided If I truly want a loving marriage I needed to confess everything!
I am seeking God for Him to forgive me once more. But I have no clue how to show him with all the lies and everything else I have done to hurt him! I do not know if we can make it out of this. But I am putting it in God’s hands! I have faith that he will do what I need in my life! I am not blaming him. I had a hard time communicating with him for as I was raised, we did not do that at all! I have to learn that no matter his reaction, I have to speak how I feel. If he takes me at my word or not, is up to God!
(INDIA) I am struggling to save my relationship with my husband. I have done many mistakes in my relation, which he forgives me for but now it’s a high time on him. He is not ready to forgive me this time. But I’m really feeling guilty and want to save this relation. I am really sorry. We are only a year get married. Please suggest a way.
(GHANA) There is this guy I love so much and we have been dating for the past 3 yrs. Just this year I conceived and later on aborted it without informing him because my family won’t accept the fact that I’m got pregnant without work. I later told him about everything cuz I always want to be honest with him. But he decided to break up with me in spite of my apologies.
(USA) I’ve been with my husband for almost 10 yrs,and I started having a phone friendship with a coworker. My husband found out by reading my text messages, and I’m working so hard on our marriage,but I think he’s pretending to forgive me; every now and then he brings it up. Should i be angry at it? Is he ever gonna let it go?
(USA) I never cheated on my wife but she has never trusted me. I’m always apologizing for things I don’t do and she has cheated on me to get back at me for something I didn’t do. Even though she has taken action to settle whatever “score” she thought we had, she continues to act like she never did anything and I should still be punished. She tells me she wishes she never had my son, and that hurts me the most.
Sorry to hear, and also that I am replying to a year old message. It sounds like your partner is emotionally abusive and you both might need professional help. Most likely, she’s not even aware of it. She may trust issues that are deep rooted from childhood or past relationships that were abusive destroying her ability to have intimate relationships.
I can relate to some degree. I have a spouse who sometimes has anxiety attacks and nightmares but takes them out on me for things I’ve never done. I was unaware of this, so I would get blind sided with out of proportion bitterness, anger, resentment, or stonewalling for trivial things and sometimes out of the blue.
I was faithful and upheld my fair share around the house and in reality, I did most of the chores, cleaning, and 50% of the cooking. It drove me crazy, scared me, and was depressing at times blaming myself. I couldn’t do anything right I thought.
I have been faithful and despite a few quirks, character flaws, and limitations that the average person has, there’s no major issues. I sought out help from a friend of mine because of all the problems I was having and was ashamed, and that is when they told me. “That’s not normal or healthy, you guys need to get professional marriage counseling.”
Don’t wait, the longer you wait the harder it gets. Get help together ideally, if not, then at least do it for yourself.
(USA) What if the other person won’t forgive you? Good question, especially for my marriage: I’ve been married for 16 years to my high school sweetheart (been together for 20 years). 8 months ago my husband began a texting affair with one of my good friends (or so I thought she was) and he called it a friendship, which he really believed it was. I discovered their texting and asked them both to stop and they both stopped texting, but they picked up a few days later on facebook messaging so I wouldn’t find out.
A few days after that, they started getting together when he was supposed to be at the gym. They did this 3 times when their “friendship” took a turn and she told him she loved him and he said it back, not meaning it, but he said it. A week later, they committed adultery with each other. She too is married. I discovered their indescretion the night after it happened because they were messaging on facebook and he fell asleep with his phone. I took a peek and found out the hard way… He never confessed anything without me having to find the truth or stumble on it. My husband chose to leave when I gave him the choice to end it with her and work it out with me or leave.
He stayed in his truck, then in our camper. He came home a month later (the day after Christmas), having ended it with her and having tried to commit suicide on Christmas day because of his guilt and shame. He thought he had completely ruined any chance of reconciling and he wouldn’t even give it a try for the month he was gone, although I kept offering my friendship and unconditional love. He was a mental and emotional wreck.
At first, I could not understand why either of them could betray me as they did. The affair from start to finish lasted 3 1/2 months. It has been 4 1/2 months since it ended. My wounds are healing and my husband is very sorrowful for his sins and because of all of what happened and how I have been forgiving and have loved him unconditionally, he has found his love for God and his family and he is a changed man. However, I have been trying to figure out why he hurt me like he did… For my husband, she was making him feel like a winner, when in his reality, he felt like a failure because of all of his mistakes he’d made in our marriage and financially, as well as at work. For her, she was seeking a man to make her feel wanted and special because her husband worked away from home and was gone two weeks at a time and supposedly was not a good husband when he was around like mine appeared to be. She even told me she was jealous of what I had… I should have known that was a red flag!!!
My husband grew up without his dad -he abandoned his family when my husband was just 5 years old and made no contact until he graduated high school. His father has never appologized. My husband did not grow up learning how to be a man and defend himself or his family, so yes, some failures ensued and he was not capable of leading our family, so it was all put on my shoulders.
Over the years, I would get angry because of his childish behavior, poor decisions and lack of respect for my needs. There were a few times when I would say things to him that were disrespectful, because he truly lost my respect over time. When I’d say these things, I’d always regret it and appologize, just as he’d apologize for his mistakes and I forgave him. But then, he’d make some of the same mistakes over and over and I would repeat my mistakes as well.
I believe the bottom line to what happened, is that he was never taught about being a leader or carrying the man’s role in life. He was also never taught how to be forgiving. He held his pain from being abandoned for all of these years, never forgiving his parents. He also never forgave me when he said he did. He held onto every word of hurt I sent his way, until eventually, he punished me for it by having the affair. So here I am, trying to forgive him for having the affair, after all of the years of me feeling neglected emotionally and not respected as a partner and having forgiven him over and over again, and knowing he did this as a way to get back at me for hurting him with my words. Forgiveness is not always easy and it is definitely not always fair.
God wants us to forgive people who sin against us. My husband proved to be a very unforgiving person, and I am now struggling with it. Same thing with the other woman. She was unforgiving of her husband and got revenge for feeling neglected. I got revenge with words. I’m still not sure if I believe one is worse than the other. Hurting a person is hurting a person, no matter how you look at it (with the exception of violence, which isn’t what I’m talking about).
I am working hard to forgive my husband, because he is truly sorry and really is proving to be a changed man. I want to be able to forgive his selfishness and unforgiveness toward me. Having a true understanding of why he did this and what happened in our marriage makes a difference for me, and helps me understand why he felt that way about me. He is learning about true forgiveness also, so we can make sure he does not close his heart to me again. He is also working on his feelings toward his parents. He says he has forgiven them, but… Well, I think he still has some work to do there.
As for the other woman, she has not apologized and has avoided me in every way, even when I saw her at a school function, she would not look me in the eye. She is moving away from what I hear, which is good news for me, since our kids are in the same grade and school… even in the same classroom. Forgiving her is another story for me… I don’t know if or when I can forgive her. I’d like to think I will but without her acknowleding the hurt she caused me and my family, it makes it so much harder.
My point to sharing all of this: My husband was unforgiving toward me and his parents and lashed out toward all of us – toward me with the affair and withholding his love from me and toward his parents with silence and withholding his love from them. We are trying to break this cycle of unforgiveness so our children will grow up to be better people than we are and will represent God they way He wants.
The other woman was unforgiving toward her husband and lashed out at her husband with the affair. She even told me before I knew about their affair, that it was her turn to be selfish in their marriage (another red flag that I missed!!!). She used me to get what she wanted, but I will say this, she failed miserably. Every bit of their affair was not good for her, since my husband treated her worse even than her own husband treated her. She never got to experience my real husband. She was used and not respected at all and I will always know that, which I hope will help me find a way to forgive her, even without an appology… It will help me forgive my husband at the very least.
In marriage, if one person forgives and the other doesn’t, and takes it out on the forgiving person, the cycle can continue and probably will, until BOTH people recognize the combined problem. Forgiveness truly is a two way street because no one person is flawless. It is better for the offenders to be remorseful and change their ways, otherwise, true forgiveness cannot take root.
(U.S.A) I FEEL for you, but I’m going through something different. My husband cheated on me; he came up to me and confessed and promised not to do this again. I forgave him, not knowing that it was after the lady that he cheated with threatened to exposed him to me. After he told the lady the affair is over, now I am involved and begged her not to exposed him for my sake and the kids. The 3 of us talked and settled the issue, but to my surprise she called after a week that.
We did not contact her and said she still wants my husband, and she thought we are going to divorce and we didn’t. Now she planning to blackmail both of us. I am so confused about everything. Was this their plan or just her plan to separate me from my husband? Please, I need your advice. I have been praying about this that God would intervene.
(USA) Blackmail is illegal. It may even be a federal offense. If you have no other recourse, it may be time to talk with the authorities. Prayers for you.
(MEX) There is a time when everything ends. Relationships end, jobs end, life ends, as well. I couldn’t control my anger issues and I yelled several times to my almost wife of four years. She forgave me most of the times. She did tell me what I was doing wrong but I kept doing it even though I tried to control myself. I never cheated on her or made something really horrible.
We were very much in love but even though I tried to make it up to her and make her understand I’m not a bad guy, I just realized there is no turning back. So, reading a lot of these posts, my advice is that first of all you have to forgive yourself. We are humans, we are imperfect. You have to seek forgiveness if you’ve done wrong, but if the other person won’t grant it to you, then accept that it is a consequence of your acts and move on. But first forgive yourself. Understand what happened and learn from it, and also accept the fact that we are alone on this planet. You will die alone and alone we will all be judged by God in the end. We can’t demand a perfect relationship or a perfect marriage because there is not such thing.
Try to be the best person you can, but don’t give in into depression or feeling sorry for yourself. God knows what’s in your heart, and if you have good intentions, maybe you will have what you seek, maybe not. This may seem pessimistic, but in reality it’s the only logical way to think. Being ruled by emotion and nostalgia always ends in pain and suffering. Love God, love your kids, love everyone you can. Just be a good person, and don’t expect anything from anyone.
(UNITED KINGDOM) Hi there, I am in the worst possible pain ever. I came out of a very abusive marriage, met someone over facebook and had a long two year telephone relationship. I prayed for God to send me someone closer as I really felt lonely. I then met a wonderful man who would do the world for me. However, the guy from the telephone kept phoning and texting. I told him that I found someone and for him to be happy for me.
He then after a couple months landed in the UK and asked me to meet him for coffee. He was with his children. I thought it no harm and met him. Nothing happened, it was a very friendly meeting, and I told my boyfriend about it. He went mad, left me and then came back and forgave me. But over the months could not get this jealousy out of his head that something happened. He has now left me for good and won’t take my calls or answer my texts. I am heartbroken.
Why does he not trust me? I had been open about everything. He now says he is seeing someone else and I must move on. I know he’s only doing this to hurt me. Do I let go now? I am so confused. Please God, help me with this pain. I feel so guilty for the meeting now. But I didn’t want to be rude to anyone.
(USA) I’m seeking advice for my Christian wife of 18 years. She says she will not forgive me and any problems with the marriage is my fault. Typically we get along well, but every so often we fight and I go on the defensive in a argument. Then I say things that are very hurtful to her and to me. I will forgive her and ask for forgiveness, but she says she will not forgive me and refuses to accept my apologies. It now is so bad that she is becoming very angry, won’t talk, puts up a wall and says its over. But, she also says she won’t leave the home as she has no place to go. We have 3 kids 15, 13 & 9 and they have, for the most part, been our priority in life as the unforgiveness, bitterness and resentment is slowly ruining our lives and the kids.
I do pray every day for the Lord to open and soften her heart. I’m not sure what else I can do. Any suggestions? Blessings to all of you!