What do you do if you’re the one who has done wrong? You have acknowledged your error, but the other person won’t forgive you. Or they say they forgive you, but act like they’re still trying to even the score? Do you have to keep asking for forgiveness? Do you need to beg? What if the other person won’t forgive you?
These are tough questions. Most marriages deal with this problem at some point. It’s relatively easy to restore a relationship when both partners are willing —one willing to seek forgiveness and the other willing to forgive. But when the wronged partner is unforgiving, what can the guilty partner do?
Closed Spirit
First, remember the closed hand. The unforgiving partner has probably closed his or her spirit to you, and you need to find ways of reopening it. This can’t done that by yelling, warning, shaming, or threatening. “You call yourself a Christian? You have to forgive me or I’ll tell everyone at church what you’re really like!”
Will that help to open anyone’s spirit? Of course not. The fist will just tighten further.
You do not want to go on the offensive in this situation. Remember your position. You have done wrong, and you have caused pain. You are now asking a favor. Even if you are both Christians, forgiveness cannot be demanded. Your partner does not owe it to you. You are asking your partner to take a chance on you, a chance to be hurt again. Your partner has every right to have a closed spirit. Now, is there any way to coax it open?
Apology is First
The first attempt is the apology, which you have already offered. Was it sincere? Did you recognize the full extent of your misdeeds? Was it unconditional?
Let’s go to the example of Wilma. Let’s say her apology went something like this: “I’m sorry I threw away your stuff, but you really needed to get rid of it anyway.”
That’s what we call a conditional apology. These usually contain a yeah-but clause in them. If there was any excuse or but in your apology, then go back and apologize more sincerely.
Or you may have used blame shifting in your apology. Kids are especially good at this technique: “I know you told me not to go in the water, but Joey pushed me.” (That’s one I used as a kid.) Even adults use this technique at times: “I know I said I’d be home by 6:00, but my boss wanted me to..”
Take Full Responsibility
While Joey or the boss may have affected your behavior, you still need to take full responsibility for the wrong you committed. “My boss asked me to stay and finish payroll, but I know you told me that you had a doctor’s appointment at 6:00, so I should have called or gotten someone else to fill in for me. I was wrong to come home late today. I know that it really messed up your day, and you have good reason for being angry with me. It is my hope that you will be able to forgive me.” Conditions, excuses, and blame shifting are manipulative. They erode trust rather than restore it.
But what if this has all happened before? You are late for the umpteenth time. If it’s not your boss, it’s the train or the traffic or the terrorist incident that happened on your way home. You have become adept at apologizing with so much practice.
Change in Attitude and Behavior
Do you wonder why you’re not being forgiven? Apologies can lose their effect, after about the tenth or twentieth time. Your partner may be withholding forgiveness because he or she does not trust what you’re saying. That’s why our apologies need to be followed by an attitude or behavioral change. In religious terms, you might call this repentance. You stop the offensive behavior, confess it, and then turn the other way.
This step —repentance —may require some time to demonstrate that you really have changed, such as when Art had to prove to Sylvia that he really could be trusted again. Will your partner’s spirit reopen to you? Maybe. Your only remaining tools are prayer, patience and persistence.
Prayer
Pray that God will open your partner’s spirit, and that He will give you the strength and wisdom to know how to respond.
Patience
When you’re trying to mend fences and your partner is stonewalling, the natural, human reaction is to get mad and resentful. You need patience to continue being nice when you’re getting little or no reinforcement.
Persistence
Don’t continue to apologize, as long as you have done so sincerely. But you do need to persist in your attempts to demonstrate love, concern, and the desire to improve the relationship. This can be done by reassuring hugs, persistent nonsexual touch, and affirming words of encouragement—even if your partner is not as receptive as you’d like.
What if Sylvia didn’t accept Art’s apology after he had been unfaithful to her but felt sorrowful afterwards? And what if she was cold and closed to him for several months? What could Art do to help her forgive him?
Pray First
First, he could pray that God would open her spirit. If Sylvia was willing, they could even pray together.
Then Art would need to show patience, treating her gently and lovingly. He would need to make behavioral changes in order to rebuild trust. But he would also need to make spirit-opening gestures as well. He wouldn’t want to do this in a manipulative way: “Oh, I’ll buy her some flowers and gifts and she’ll get over it eventually.”
Instead he might discuss how he knows that he’s hurt her deeply but that he’s committed to rebuilding the relationship. He might even ask her to give him hand signals from day to day, showing how open or closed her spirit is toward him-a closed fist, a partially open fist, and then a hand which is steadily opening.
Do What Won the Heart at Beginning of Relationship
In a solution-based model, we would ask, “How did Art win Sylvia’s trust during the very beginning of their relationship?” While they were dating, Art paid close attention to her needs, listened to her ideas and concerns, and sent her little cards and notes. They went on special dates, held hands, and exchanged reassuring hugs and kisses. Now Art needs to do all those things that he did to win her over in the beginning.
This article is edited from the book, The Marriage Mender, by Dr Thomas A. Whiteman and Dr Thomas G. Bartlett, published by Navpress. This book gives solution-based tools to begin rebuilding your marriage. With illustrations and exercises, it teaches how to look to the future of your relationship instead of focusing on the past with its problems.
Dr Thomas A. Whiteman is a licensed psychologist who practices with Life Counseling Services in Paoli, Pennsylvania. Dr Thomas G. Bartlett is also a licensed psychologist who practices with Behavioral Healthcare Consultants in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. They both work with troubled couples and have conducted seminars on marriage and divorce recovery through Fresh Start Seminars.
Filed under: Bitterness and Forgiveness
(RWANDA) All the stories here are touching and I am sorry dear ones. May God heal your hurts. Well, mine is like this: I fell in love with a man less my age. He is the one who enticed me into a relationship. Then after one year and four months together he cheated on me last Valentines Day. I caught him. I almost went crazy but because he apologized I forgave him; but I failed to give him my full trust.
Some time back, I suspected he was driving a lady in our car and I called to ask if the car I had seen passing was ours. In reaction he has asked me to end the relationship. I have asked him to forgive me but it seems he has refused. In his words he says he still loves me. I am crazy for him and I don’t want to let him go. Please advise me. We are not yet married.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I’ve been with my partner for almost 13 yrs (5 yrs married) and late 2011, I started becoming insecure. I tried to control myself but kept going on till she noticed me. She tried to control me about this problem but I played as I did not want her to worry about it.
Late last year I decided to go away with a friend. A week later I called her and told her I was not coming back. She then asked me to come back home. A week before Christmas I came home, found her watching TV with our nine year old son. I was drunk and decided to go straight to bed. She didn’t say a word until the next day. She tried to explain that she is not doing anything wrong. I trust and believe her, I just don’t know what’s wrong with me. Late January I threatened her and she reported the matter to the police and served me with a Protection order. I threatened her again and I was arrested. I spent 3 day in a cell. The case is still on and we have not stayed together now for almost 3 months. She is very angry with me cause I made her to do something she never wanted to do. She still believes in us and I love her very much. She told me I will only go back home when I’m right. Please help me guys, pray with me to have my wife accept me. I’m currently seeking help.
(US) My husband will not forgive me. I honestly haven’t asked because he has told me more times than I can count that he is incapable of forgiveness. We have kids and have been married 25 years and he is just so angry.
I love him dearly and love our family but I just don’t know what to do. I have an older son but two younger girls so I just don’t know if it’s better to keep the family together or remove them from the turmoil (they do not understand).
It stems from the fact that I slept with my previous boyfriend before I even knew my husband. I did not lie about it. He knew. He knew when we started dating well before we got married. It was a mistake for which I have asked and believe I have received forgiveness. Just not from my husband.
It consumes him no matter what else is going on. Any mistake I make is somehow because I’m not a good person and am a terrible decision maker. Early in our marriage it was an occasional issue but in the last 5-6 years it has been an almost daily issue. He gets really nasty. He tells me that we’re not really married. I can’t tell him I love him since I said that to someone else. He did these things too but since he’s a man; it doesn’t count.
I wish he would have told me these things before we got married so I wouldn’t have brought three unsuspecting kids into the world. They don’t deserve a broken family and they don’t deserve the turmoil. Any advice? God bless you all for your help.
My wife and I have been married for 14 years. She never talks to me when I am doing wrong to her and she doesn’t know how to say sorry even she does wrong. Is it normal?
We have been married for 2 years. We had a son who passed on at two months. My husband had an affair, which resulted in a son, now 3 months old. He also has a daughter 9 years old from his earlier relationship. I once told him that I will divorce if he takes another wife. He went on and married the mother of her son. I told him I will not leave because I still love him, but he doesn’t trust I will stay in the marriage. He says he believes I will eventualy leave him for the pain he caused me and that the sooner I go the better.
Two weeks ago he came home and told me he has nothing to do with any woman and what he wants is to take care of his children and that I/we should divorce as I had suggested. I have tried to ask him to talk to each other and see how our marriage can work but he doesn’t want to. For two weeks we have not talked or slept together. Whenever I begin this topic he leaves the house.
I’ve begged him into speaking with our pastor or our parents but he tells me he has nothing to speak about. I’m distressed seeing my marriage stumbling with nothing to do. I love my husband and do not want to let him go but don’t know how. I have been praying all along for God to help him see things in my pespective but he is stil cold. I am stil praying that God may hear me.
I have an anger problem and my husband likes to hang out! He said he is only hanging with the guys, which I do believe but I get upset when he stays out too late. I argue with him when he gets back! Now I’ve done one too many times that he doesn’t love me anymore. He wants a separation because he said being around me is unbearable! I want to save my marriage but he doesn’t want to forgive me! What should I do?
I am facing the same dilemma. My wife hates me. I need prayer. My life’s a wreck after 13 yrs of marriage. I hate myself for hurting her as I should have treasured her. Now she won’t forgive me and wants nothing to do with me even though we’re still sleeping in the same bed.
Hi, Keep praying that the Lord opens her heart to forgiving you; also ask God to help you to change. Love is not a feeling but an act, and one of the scriptures in the Bible says you have got to be patient. It is well.
My husband and I have been married for almost 9 years. He told me a month ago that he cheated on me with a very good friend of mine 7 years ago, only a year and a half in to our marriage…our daughter was only 5 months old. He has apologized and I believe he is sincere. But the problem is that I feel like I have been broken inside, even if it was 7 years ago.
He has asked me to forgive him and he says he knows that it will take time and that he will do everything he can to gain my trust and love back…and I cannot respond…I can barely look at him without feeling that hurt. I don’t feel the same way about him; I do not love him the same. He is not the man I once knew, he was not the man I thought he was when I married him. I cannot forgive him and I don’t know what to do.
Dear Jessica, Please know that forgiveness is a lot different than most people realize. It is something that will eventually set YOU free. Please read the “Quotes” and other articles in the “Bitterness and Forgiveness” topic, as well as the “Surviving Infidelity” topic. You are on a long, painful journey –a road that you didn’t choose to travel, but because of sinful choices on your husband’s part, you are thrown onto it. The important thing right now is to try to process all of this in the healthiest way you can. It will be one step forward and another back… but eventually, you will make progress. As you prayerfully read through the quotes, articles and testimonies… and possibly even visit some of the web sites we recommend, I believe you will lean towards healing.
I’m so, so sorry that you are going through this Jessica. It should never have been. But sadly, it has. But I know from all I have seen, that if you lean upon the Lord instead of your own understanding, you will eventually find yourself in a MUCH better place. Please don’t trust your feelings right now… I can assure you that they will change, one way or another. Just read what you can… learn what you can, cry, grieve, work the junk out of your heart and feelings in the healthiest ways you can and you will do better than you could ever imagine at this point. I’ve seen it over, and over, and over again. I pray that for you.
God forgave all our sins even when we didn’t deserve His forgiveness. Ask Him to guide you and to open your heart to Him so that you can see your husband through His eyes. Love is not a feeling, it’s a choice and satan is doing his best to destroy everything. Thank God he’s here for us call on him in prayer. Ask Him to heal your spirit, in Jesus name. God loves you.
I said to someone that I didn’t like another person then she started telling the person I didn’t like when I actually didn’t mean what I said. I asked for forgiveness but all she said was nothing. What do I do?
My wife moved out four months ago, saying she was “done living in a loveless marriage”, which was due to mostly a communication breakdown and I didn’t respond to her as I should have. I wrote and gave her a reconciliation letter, approved by a marriage counselor no less, about 2 1/2 months ago where I admitted all the mistakes I’d made, listed some of things I loved about her, and asked for her forgiveness. I followed up with an email about a week later, yet there has been no response from her. Obviously, it’s a case where her heart and spirit is closed off to me, and possible Him.
I’ve pretty much started to “Let go and let God” and quit contacting her about anything, particularly the past month, and pray that He works in her hardened heart as I try, waiting as patiently as I can. I’m standing and holding to His Word that He wants couples he joined to stay joined, per the law of marriage and covenant He put in place.
I’ve apologised way too many times. I’m suffering depression from the separation so it’s difficult to show any happiness. I’ve come across as too desperate and insecure. I’m losing her more and more each day and don’t think I will ever be given her forgiveness, earn her trust, and reconcile to be together again. But I’m afraid of what my life will become if I can’t get my love back; help me please!
I came across this site in desperation for advice on what do I do as well. I have betrayed my husband and am so hurt, depressed and miserable by my actions. Its been a year. I’ve been praying like I have never prayed before, apologized relentlessly, have cried almost every day in the last year, and its just been so hard and painful. We have two small children and he has said he stays because of them. He refuses to sleep next to me, wear his wedding ring, or even attempt to kiss me.
So many times I have just wanted to end my life, the pain is so unbearable. My children and my dad don’t deserve that hurt and I’m sure you must have others that love you. It’s so hard to believe that you can hurt so badly while it seems the unforgiven isnt hurting too much. Like you, I’ve tried desperately to make amends but all I do is hurt and cry as he just doesn’t seem affected by it at all.
I started some antidepressants, which have helped as the everyday crying and hurt was deeply affecting my life.
I hope things are getting better for you. This has to be the most painful experience in life. Try to pray, ask God for strength to keep strong, try to be around people who love you and will make you feel good. After over a year of heartbreak and desperation, I’m not sure I can take much more.
Maybe some people just can’t forgive and maybe we’ve to move on to stop the hurting. I have made plans to do a lot of activities without him from now on because it hurts too much to be constantly pushed away by someone you love so desperately. I’ve read a lot of self help books and going to church has helped me a great deal. Hope you are healing.
Liz, I feel your pain and do hope that by now you’re no longer in pain and have been forgiven. I recently had friends visit from abroad. During the few weeks they spent with us, I thought we had a great time. But when they left a storm came into my marriage over their visit. My husband of 2-3 years with whom I’ve had the best of relationships, started to act strange. When I asked him what’s wrong he told me that he was hurt by how I had joked around with my best friend’s husband in the last 2 weeks and that he couldn’t understand how my friend was ok with it.
He then brought in an issue of the past all about trust when a co worker had picked me up literally and another coworker took a picture of it. Then he started telling me about how I should not even be talking texting or having any communication with male friends from the past where there may have been an intimacy.
I’ve explained that the coworker incident was not my fault but I’m still sorry it happened and that it hurt him. Then I’ve apologized about the friends visit and how it made him feel. I’ve reassured him that I will be mindful of my responses to guys in the future. Now bear in mind I’m close to 50 and not even slightly interested in making life more complicated. He’s stuck in a rut and says he forgives, but then he’s behaving strange still. I feel your pain although in my opinion my issue is not half as serious as yours probably. I think I’m dealing with my husband’s real issue here -trust issues, which I kind of knew but it never really caused any discomfort till now.
My wife has a closed heart and has lost interest in God. I have asked for forgiveness when I have wronged her, but no forgiveness or little response or communication. Please pray for my wife that her heart may open to the Lord and me. I am loving, being patient and praying for her daily. Any recommendations on opening up a closed heart would be appreciated. God Bless you!
My husband and I had a fight and it has been three days that he didn’t talk to me. It is so painful. I served him supper but he neglects it. He never tells me any single word. It is killing me inside. The fight started with me comfronting him that I feel bad about what I discovered. We were already together, long distance relationship. I did not know that he was living in the same roof with his x wife until we we were together for a year. Because it is long distance, I didn’t know what he was doing. I asked and he tells me he is doing this with his kids and his parents. When we lived together, I discovered that he was with his x-wife.
I feel so bad about this even if it was 2 years ago. I feel cheated and I don’t know what to do. God knows I love him so much but He also knows how hard it is to know that somebody you love lied to you. I asked my husband, “how come I didn’t know?” and he just said, “I do not know” while flipping in his phone. You know, I am trying to open up and solve a problem that has been bothering me, but then, he shuts me off.
Now, I feel so distant from him. I beg him to talk to me, and he just says,”shut up.” I am so scared that our marriage will fall apart because of this. I feel left alone and abandoned. It was just a tiny thing but he is so angry at me and he is making me feel like I am invisible. By the way we are married for just 6 months. I keep saying sorry if I got mad about the lying part but he still will not talk to me. I want to hear his part too but he just shuts me off and never talks. I don’t know what this means. I cannot figure it out. I love him so much and I do not want to lose him but it seems that this issue is making a gap between us already. It is so painful.
My husband treats me like this too. He has so few communication skills that he thinks every discussion is an argument. It usually ends up that he tells me he regrets marrying me. We didn’t date long enough before getting married, and he would get a divorce “if he could” (what I think he means is “if his daughter didn’t love me so much”). I started saying “if you’re so miserable, why don’t you file the papers?” That curbed it so far.
I totally understand the silent treatment. My husband holds grudges for days. He’s currently holding one from 3 days ago when I told him something completely inappropriate of sexual content that he said about me in front of 4 other people (his 12 year old daughter, her mom, his coworker, and his coworker’s girlfriend) hurt my feelings and humiliated me. He denies the problem or that I should have feelings. I’m too sensitive. It’s not easy to live with someone who enjoys and jokes with all of his friends and then becomes sullen and pouty when he’s home alone with you. He said it’s harder to forgive me each time.
I’ve found some solice in knowing that the Lord is in control. The Lord wants good for us, even through bad times… the time that we grow in Him. What I’m really leaning on is that our Good Lord said that anything we ask in His name (provided it is in His will), He will not deny us. That’s my prayer for you!
What if none of this has worked and ex-spouse refuses to forgive and moved on to someone else? I have given up. I think if God wanted to restore he would have by now. It’s been almost 2 years.
Why should they forgive you? You can’t ever be *entitled* to forgiveness. It’s a kind of test. If you can’t live with not being forgiven then you’re not really that genuinely sorry.
Imagine you killed someone. You didn’t mean to but you got drunk and stupid and drove into someone. You live with that forever. They do not even live to forgive you. Their family doesn’t have to forgive you. They almost certainly won’t. In a small community (or family) you’ll still live close with them. But they don’t forgive you. Why should they? Why would they?
Instead they need to accept what happened really happened for their own sake. But that does nothing for you. You’re owed nothing. Live with it or show your not really that sorry and are only staying for the forgiveness.
That’s not fair, if God forgives, who is man not to? After all, repentance is seeking the forgiveness of God, showing you’re sorry and promising never to return to that act again. Although, yes a drunken driver killing an innocent victim is different to forgiveness in marriage.
We all make mistakes and are human. Why should such a strong covenant be destroyed because of pride and ego, after all, that’s what unforgivemness is, isn’t it?
Good answer.
I agree Fatima, I have deeply hurt the person I love and after over two years he has not forgiven me. I have become a victim of his un-forgiveness and he has become a victim of the pain I caused him. You can do everything you can possibly do but if someone is set on not forgiving you it is painful for both parties and you will be miserable, I know from experience.
No, you are not entitled to forgiveness but it is necessary to move forward in the relationship. I have come to believe that with out forgiveness it is better to part ways. I am speaking of the person I was going to marry before I did what I did.. It is a painful process but there is always light at the end of it.
Hello…Let me share my experience with you. Thanks. I hurt my girlfriend. She got angry at me and hateful of me. I asked for her forgiveness, sincerely. She refused to forgive me. She admitted, she will never, ever to forgive me. The pain and disappointment was unbearable for her to forgive me.
What I did wrong to her: I kicked her out of my house because I could no longer take her disloyalty and lack of integrity towards our relationship, which caused me to not trust her anymore. Prior to this, we talked about this situation that she must stay away from flirting/leading on a man at her work. They in turned built an emotional attachment/ affair.
I reminded her that we’re dating and we planned to get married one day soon, have a family, kids, and happy home. She told me her family wanted to see me. I agreed as planned. But her disloyalty and lack of integrity has not changed. I even told her to tell the guy that she already has a bf to drive the guy away. She did not do it because she said she’s leading on the guy so she gets what she wants from him such as favors, snacks, etc… I told her it’s not a good idea using people that way.
She spent a lot of time texting with the guy even off work days. There was no cheating involved. As a decent man of faith, I never cheated in the past, and I don’t want our journey to marriage to be marred with unfaithfulness by her (red flags on the wall). I decided to kick her out of the house. She feels I was being unfair for kicking her out. I told her of my reasons that disloyalty and lack of integrity is not included in my journey to marriage, and our journey must be paved with honesty.
I went to church and prayed to God with all my heart, tears in my eyes, and asked the Father Almighty to forgive me for hurting my gf as I could no longer afford to have her with me.
After praying on my knees, I got up and felt the burden off my shoulders, lightness in my chest, ease to breathe… and my sight became brighter. The Holy Spirit must have touched me and forgiven me. I felt lightness as I walked out of the church. I thank God for his love and forgiveness.
I’m aware that God can forgive me even if the person who I wronged could not forgive me. My gf has to deal with her anger, hatred, and unforgiving heart to God the Almighty. I feel peace and free now.
Wait, WHO destroyed the Covenant?
Wait, WHO destroyed the Covenant?
Dear Fatima, I have been a victim of cheating, but I parted immediately because I could not base my marriage on lies and cheating. Although, I haven’t been married I feel a major problem lies with the reason to justify cheating. Of course, there is reason for someone looking outside of marriage but that should never be left as an option. I know there are people like me who are completely against cheating. I hope to find someone like that. Or maybe I am expecting too much?
You’re not married, are you? A marriage doesn’t stay together long without forgiveness and if it does, it isn’t good. During Christmas time, my husband was holding a grudge for something he perceived I was wrong about. Without knowing, my sister gave us a cute sign that read “a good marriage is a union of two good forgivers” – Mark Twain. Forgiveness is essential to marriage.
Suzanne, Amen, forgiveness is essential!! I have seen amazing stories of people forgiving their spouses even after they divorced them and caused them great pain, now this couple is married once more.
I had a relapse in substances a year ago. My wife took the kids and left. I got clean and begged her to come back, I was on dating sites when she left, just to make her mad, but I never saw anyone in person or met anyone. But It was inappropriate even if I never knew who I talked to. Now she is back but accuses me daily of doing it again even though I gave her all my passwords and all. I have been 100% careful to do nothing wrong but she is madder every day and believes her own lies. Don’t know what to do.
TJ… All you can do is pray for strength and favor and keep staying clean. God can help –by giving you insights as you pay attention, and the test of time will hopefully be your friend. Whatever you do, don’t allow yourself to get into a pity party state, which says, “well, since she doesn’t trust me anyway, why should I keep trying?” I’m forewarning you of this ahead of time. It will be a temptation you will battle with the current situation the way it is. Please, just do what you know is honorable, no matter what your wife does. And pray for wisdom and insight as to ways to show your wife beyond the ordinary, that you love and honor her –that you “get it” as far as how wrong you were before.
Eventually, I believe you will gain her trust. But it’s often not a short-term thing that happens. You broke her heart and her innocent trust in you. Now you need to man up and do what it takes to show her (and your kids, because either now or later, they will see what their dad did with this and it will teach them things, either for the good or bad) that you are willing to do what it takes to make this right. You were wrong, but now you know how to do it right. So do it… and don’t give up. I hope you do and pray for you and your wife and kids that you can persevere in being the good husband and father that you know you should be.
P.S. I also want to congratulate you on getting clean. I know that is no small task… staying clean is even harder, ESPECIALLY when you’re facing trials. But hang tough T.J. I know you can do it and your kids are counting on you doing it. You are a living example to them of how to act in the face of tough stuff. I pray strength for you.