Are you dealing with a Passive Aggressive spouse? If you are, you’re probably pretty desperate to find help in dealing with this issue. That is because it’s one that is certainly perplexing, to say the very least!
It’s difficult to deal with someone who seems to have such a slippery way of doing things. He or she can appear to be passive, but then does things that contradict that stance.
First of All, Please Note: We’re going to address the issue of living with the passive aggressive spouse. But some of the quotes and articles we link to will single out one gender or the other. Please don’t overlook the advice that is given just because you may be dealing with the other gender. Pray, read, glean, and adapt the advice given, if it’s necessary. The advice is still good, whether it pertains to the husband or the wife. We hope this will be helpful one way or another.
Communication not clear
“The passive aggressive will say one thing, do another, and then deny ever saying the first thing. They don’t communicate their needs and wishes in a clear manner. They expect their spouse to read their mind and meet their needs. After all, if their spouse truly loved them he/she would just naturally know what they needed or wanted. The passive aggressive withholds information about how he/she feels. Their ego is fragile and can’t take the slightest criticism. So why would they let you know what they are thinking or feeling?” (Cathy Meyer, from article “Passive Aggressive Behavior, a Form of Covert Abuse“)
Does this sound familiar? Most likely, if you’ve dealt with someone who is passive aggressive… and it’s frustrating. But how is passive aggressive defined?
Passive-aggressive:
Pertaining to behavior in which feelings of aggression are expressed in passive ways as, for example, by stubbornness, sullenness, procrastination, or intentional inefficiency” (from Medicine.net)
Medline Plus gives this insight:
“Some common symptoms of passive-aggressive personality disorder include:
- Acting sullen
- Avoiding responsibility by claiming forgetfulness
- Being inefficient on purpose
- Blaming others
- Complaining
- Feeling resentment
- Having a fear of authority
- Has unexpressed anger or hostility
- Procrastinating
- Resisting other people’s suggestions.
“A person with this disorder may appear to comply with another’s wishes. They may even demonstrate enthusiasm for those wishes. However, they:
- Perform the requested action too late to be helpful
- Perform it in a way that is useless
- Sabotage the action to show anger that they cannot express in words.”
Cathy Meyer gives even further insight:
“Passive aggressive behavior stems from an inability to express anger in a healthy way. A person’s feelings may be so repressed that they don’t even realize they are angry or feeling resentment. A passive aggressive can drive people around him/her crazy. And they can seem sincerely dismayed when confronted with their behavior. Due to their own lack of insight into their feelings the passive aggressive often feels that others misunderstand them. Or, they feel they are holding them to unreasonable standards if they are confronted about their behavior.
“…If you confront the passive aggressive he/she will most likely sulk, give you the silent treatment or completely walk away leaving you standing there to deal with the problem alone. There are two reasons for confronting the passive aggressive. One, if done correctly you may be able to help him/her gain insight into the negative consequences of their behaviors. Two, even if that doesn’t happen, it will at least give you the opportunity to talk to him/her in a frank way about how his/her behavior affects you. If nothing else you can get a few things ‘off your chest.'” (from article Passive Aggressive Behavior, a Form of Covert Abuse).
Glean Through Info for Passive Aggressive Spouse
In the above mentioned article, Cathy Meyer then goes on to give “some ways you might approach your passive aggressive.” You may find it helpful to read the entire article, including ways to approach your spouse.
• PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR, a Form of Covert Abuse
Here are a few other things you might find helpful to read, concerning this type of behavior. Then click onto the links after the quotes to learn more:
“Passive-Aggressive people don’t usually like the aggressive posture over any issue. They’ll rather say, ‘Yes’ when they already know what they are going to do. The yes is to get their aggressive spouse out of their face. Rather than speak up their concern on an issue they keep quiet. But their displeasure is displayed in their behavior. He/she might walk around the house banging the door after them, react to their spouse with short sentences, or act to sabotage their spouse to get even or get back at them. You never really know what’s on their mind. When they say yes, as a spouse, you watch if that yes is really yes or yes —get out of my face. Or it may be yes —I already know what I want to do.” (From the Christiancouples.org” article, “Home Improvement Series XXXVIII – Wired Uniquely?“)
The Passive Aggressive Spouse is Hypersensitive to Criticism
From the Couples Institute, Peter Pearson, Ph.D writes:
“Passive-aggressive people are typically hypersensitive to actual or perceived criticism. This is especially true when they don’t follow through with promises. Here’s the kicker. They have great gobs of good reasons for not following through with crucial agreements.” (From the article, “Does Your Partner Drive You Nuts? … The Passive Aggressive Personality”)
It’s a Crazy World
As a spouse, you are “doomed” if you get angry. The same is true if you say nothing. “Welcome to the crazy world of the passive aggressive partner” says Dr Peter Pearson, who claims to battle with this disorder himself. He writes:
“The passive aggressive person generally feels they are under assault .And no matter what they do, they cannot please their partner. …The other partner believes they cannot depend on the passive aggressive mate to reliably follow through. Even if I am 80% reliable, as I would sometimes point out to [wife] Ellyn, she has no idea what the 80% will be or when it will be completed. This screws up the logistical part of being an effective team which supports being an effective couple. So what causes this aggravating problem that painfully affects both partners in different ways? Most passive aggressive folks have two things in common:
1. “A highly critical parent or parents. This can cause a high sensitivity to being judged on performance.
2. “A lot of painful disappointments in life. This results in a reflexive coping mechanism that severely restricts their hopes and desires in life. Minimizing desires is a subconscious attempt to avoid getting hopes up and then dashed. This triggers a warehouse of painful disappointments stored in the emotional brain.” (Peter Pearson, Ph.D, from his article, “Does Your Partner Drive You Nuts? …The Passive Aggressive Personality”)
Certain Triggers can Activate
Continuing on, Deborah Ward offers this insight as well:
“Certain situations will tend to activate passive-aggressive behaviour. This includes circumstances in which the person’s performance will be judged. Or he thinks it will, says therapist Jay Earley, Ph.D., such as in the workplace. Similarly, any situation where the passive-aggressor has to deal with authority figures, such as bosses, parents, teachers, community leaders and even spouses, will often trigger an indirectly angry approach. “…Passive-Aggressive personality disorder develops as a result of a combination of genetics and environment, says Earley. Essentially, this person feels that aggression is not allowed and to survive, he has to express his anger indirectly and defeat others in the only way he feels he can.” (From the article, “Causes of Passive Aggression”)
How Do You Deal With a Passive Aggressive Spouse?
There are other reasons, you can be sure. But whatever the reason, or excuse, how can you deal with it? If you are a passive-aggressive spouse, therapist Jay Earley, Ph.D., offers these further suggestions for creating a healthier attitude:
- “Become aware of the underlying anger and resentment that is causing your behaviour.
- Be aware of your desire to defeat others, get back at them or annoy them.
- Become aware of your need to fail in order to get back at others.
- Work on allowing yourself to be just who you are. Or work on feeling that you are okay as you are, that your sense of worth doesn’t depend on other people’s opinions
- Work on expressing your anger and standing up for yourself.” (From the article, “Healing and Dealing with Passive-Aggression“)
Additionally, Concerning the Passive Aggressive Spouse:
Here is some advice from Drs Les and Leslie Parrott that could help you, as well:
“It hurts deeply to accept that your spouse has passive-aggressive tendencies and might not always have your best interests at heart. Once you’ve come to terms with the dynamic in your relationship right now, start taking steps to set boundaries that protect yourself from further passive-aggressive behaviors.
“Depending on the extent of the issue, you may have to start being selective about what you share with your spouse. Deep thoughts, feelings, and aspirations might not be safe to express. You know your spouse best, so use your judgment going forward. You may find that only certain topics need to be off-limits, rather than a broad change to your communication.” (From their article, “5 Ways to Cope with a Passive Aggressive Spouse”)
Dealing with the Passive Aggressive Spouse
Now, if you’re dealing with a husband who inflicts this behavior upon you and your marriage:
“How are you going to stay clear, calm and connected with a passive-aggressive man? It will not be easy. But it can be done. You must master a few strategies. ‘First, understand passive-aggression. You cannot remain clear and calm if you don’t understand what is happening. If you remain reactive, you’ll be dancing from one encounter to another. Notice what is happening. When and where do you get hooked? What does he say that provokes you into snapping back aggressively? Notice these patterns and determine to remain clear about what is happening. Second, determine to be active, not reactive…'”
And the list and explanations go on. To learn more on this behavior and some strategies to help you live with your passive-aggressive spouse, please read this Growthtrac.com article, written by Dr. David B Hawkins:
• LIVING WITH A PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE MAN
And then concerning passive-aggressive wives, Paul Coughlin writes about:
Additionally, here is an article that addresses both husbands and wives:
• IS PASSIVE AGGRESSION DESTROYING YOUR MARRIAGE?
The next question we’d like to address is:
“How do women love passive-aggressive husbands?”
Question Addressed:
“First, understand passive-aggression. You cannot remain clear and calm if you don’t understand what is happening. If you remain reactive, you’ll be dancing from one encounter to another. Notice what is happening. What does he say that provokes you into snapping back aggressively? Notice these patterns and determine to remain clear about what is happening.”
Now, it’s relevant to know that the list goes on to make 11 additional points to help wives who are living with a passive aggressive husband. But many of these points can also be applied to husbands living with a passive aggressive wife. The principles given can pertain to living with a passive aggressive spouse, no matter what the gender is.
To learn more, it’s important to read:
• HOW TO LOVE A PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE HUSBAND
And lastly we encourage you to read these articles written by Drs Les and Leslie Parrott:
• SHOULD I CONFRONT MY PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE SPOUSE?
• 5 WAYS TO COPE WITH A PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE SPOUSE
In conclusion, I realize this article is not exhaustive in the information it gives concerning the passive aggressive spouse. If you are dealing with a passive aggressive spouse, keep asking the Holy Spirit to guide you to healthy information that will work for you in dealing with this marital issue. And then keep on the look-out, for what He brings your way.
Above all, may the Lord help you, as you put your hand into His for guidance.
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
If you have additional tips to help others, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: Communication and Conflict
My wife of 25 years started this behavior about ten years ago. So I put into google some of the things she said. And what came up was “what does a passive aggressive say”. So I started reading and it was spot on!! Then I clicked a link to narcissism and was stunned yet again!! Both said the behaviors stem from childhood issues. This I found to be true one night when I mentioned her parents and she flipped out and said they didnt love her. And that they got their son and daughter (her older sister and brother) and she got what was left. Not sure exactly what that means, but she said they never loved her.
So she has a lot of issues and wont go to counseling. We went for a few sessions and she said I was conspiring with the counselor. Because I agreed with her, I think. No affection or intimacy. No touching, compassion or caring. And because I want sex once in a while, I’m a sex maniac. She gets mad if I touch her and when I say she is beautiful she looks at me like I’m from another planet. And as a lot of others have said, everyone thinks she is so wonderful. And she acts loving until we get home, then turns it off!! I feel confused, lonely, crazy and I cry a lot!!! I know that makes me sound wimpy, but its true!!! I feel so alone!!
Emotionallyspent001, I feel for you as I am experiencing what you describe except he won’t initiate intimacy with me and blames me that we have no sex life! It’s a horrible way to live and you don’t deserve to be treated that way! You’re not wimpy, you’re human and you have feelings. I’ve never been in a marriage like this. I’ve never dated someone that acted like this to me (my ex boyfriend did towards his ex as I stated in a prev post). It’s like being with a child.
So I’m treating him like I would a child… (which I have zero patience with). I don’t reward bad behavior!!!! Since he’s an adult I can’t send him to his room, but I don’t have to play his game either. I keep myself busy with my own stuff and pretend he doesn’t exist, which is easy if he isn’t home. Much harder to do when he is. I know. This isn’t a healthy relationship. I wish you the best. I know it’s a hard life living with a person that is PA. I don’t accept that they cant help themselves.
My marriage is miserable. I’m a 43 year mother to 3 beautiful children who are the loves of my life. My husband and I have been married 13 years. I picked up red flags when we dated (he’s a binge drinker, his family of origin drinks; he was a non-believer when we met, his mother is domineering and controlling, dad passive, I let him treat me awfully). I got pregnant and we married. We had a tumultuous dating era, and our marriage has been the same.
We have stayed married and tried to work things out, but there are patterns of behavior that have not changed. We have been to many counselors. I feel as if I’m married to a child. He’s immature, selfish, avoids responsibility, doesn’t pick up after himself or turns the light off when leaving a room. My kids pick up better than he. There has been verbal abuse, things have gotten physical, and I feel constantly neglected. He has never done anything special for me as far as going to dinner, date night, etc.
He’s closed off. I always felt disconnected from him even when we dated. There was an intimacy (emotional) that was absent. He works and is a good provider for the family but that’s it. He constantly upsets me or the kids by his inconsiderate, inattentive, unloving, smarty attitude. He wants everybody to respect him while he ignores me. He doesn’t hug me or kiss me good night or even say I love you, yet wonders why I tell him to get lost in the bedroom. I find myself dreaming about an ex-boyfriend who was romantic and attentive to me.
I’m a pretty 43 year old who has a college degree, keeps herself physically fit and tries to live a life that honors God. My marriage makes me feel dead inside. I’ve been to the doctor 3x in the past few years from chest pains due to anxiety. He’s lazy around here and prefers to do things with the least amount of effort possible. I give 110%. I’m neat and he’s messy. I’m thoughtful and he’s sarcastic and selfish. My kids are picking up on things and I know it’s effecting my oldest son who is 12.
I’ve researched a lot online and read a lot of books and passive aggressive fits him. I have trouble trusting him because he half-heartedly does things or doesn’t do it at all and says “what do you want me to say -I have no excuse.” For example, this morning I was feeling sick (which is rare, I usually push through when not feeling well) and instead of making coffee and packing school lunches I was lying on the sofa -which I never do, he came downstairs and walked right by me and didn’t say a word -not are you okay, good morning, anything. Just ignored me. He was in our bed on his phone. Had to ask him to come in the kitchen and help. Huge argument ensued, response -“no excuse.” He’s always disengaging via his phone or a book. We can’t have alcohol in the house because he can’t monitor his drinking. No self control. He looked at porn when we dated but swears not anymore. He used to travel for work but recently changed jobs to be home, which I appreciate. I hoped things would get better but they haven’t.
I’m worried about the kids. I want to be in a happy marriage with a man that expresses his love to me. I don’t expect fireworks and roses all the time, but I feel non-existent. I know divorce is not God’s will except in infidelity (which there have never been signs of). I’m miserable and trying to still function for my kids.
This is my first post online ever, so please bear with me if it’s long or rambling. It feels good just to share this. Thank you and God bless.
Truth really is stranger than fiction! If I told anyone ALL the traumas I have experienced since the age of four they would not believe me. I know this because a psychologist actually asked me if I’m sure these memories I have are real!!! REALLY??? I won’t risk reaching for that Apple again. Falling from the tree hurt far worse than the courage it took to climb it!!! That said, reading others stories have shown me how PA, individuals seek out the kind hearted, wounded submissive personalities. We are the perfect match, moths to their flame, dispirate for love, addicts of guilt, people pleases etc.
Here is the only place I feel understood, thank GOD and all who support this site! Honestly out of all I have survived in 51 years. I gotta say living with my PA husband is above and beyound the most painful situation I’ve had to endure. I live day to day. Having others who can relate to here is my soft place to fall. God bless and thanks to all.
I’m reading this and I’m so thankful that I’m not alone. I’ve never joined a chat group or made comments on anything like this before. I was starting to think I was crazy. I don’t go anywhere, I don’t leave the house; I’m always feeling like my only way out is a disease or sickness. My self esteem has gotten so low. When you live with someone who is never wrong, what does that make you? Always wrong?
I’ve even been telling my husband for years I need affection and romance and for him to say something nice once I a while. He never does. When I confront him he says he does; it’s not his fault I don’t hear him! Everytime I snap and express my feelings he says I don’t give him what he needs either, and he should just go because I don’t love him. I can’t take it anymore. I’ve gained so much weight and my health is failing. I pray and ask for instruction and strength and I know it’s our there. I just don’t know where to begin to look, or how to even get him to agree that we need help.
Brandy, I’m also new to this chat. I found it when I was looking up PA again and my situation keeps playing out. I thought I may find other ways of dealing with my PA husband. I also put on 50 pounds with all the drama at this house.
To make a long story short, I’ve worked really hard to lose the weight which seemed to get my husbands attention. I’ve lost half of the weight and I look good again to him. I believe he tries to sabotage my efforts in order to keep control, but this time I don’t give in and stick to my needing to get the weight off. Feeling better about yourself would put you in a stronger place to deal with him. This isn’t easy, but try to think about yourself and get involved in things that would make you happy. You probably will never get what you need from him. Get yourself strong then you’ll be in a better place.
I’ve had more success with this situation now that I save my yelling for my friend who is good with me venting on her. For example, when I was growing up my oldest brother who was 5 yrs older, he liked to walk past me and slap me in the back of the head. My mother never stopped this behavior. He got me to the point that all he needed to do was to raise his hand and I would flinch to cover my head. He didn’t need to actually hit me because he got his kicks seeing me cover my head.
To stop this behavior I told myself the next time let him hit you. Don’t cover your head. So he raised his hand and I didn’t react. No more fun for him! He didn’t do that to me again. With regards to my PA husband, I’m now NOT reacting to whatever he does to upset me. I have a very strong side to my personality and I’ve called on this side to help me. I know that sounds crazy, but most people would just get out from a sick relationship and save themselves. This coping mechanism so far is working for me. I just tried it with his last tantrum. So far so good. I also have a prescription for Valium if it gets to be too much and I want to knock myself out. Unfortunately I used that a lot in the beginning, which isn’t good for my health. Better to figure out a coping mechanism that will work for you.
All..I met a man through church about 1.5 years ago. He seemed perfect; Christian, single dad, raised 3 daughters, successful, handsome, sweet, caring. We like to do the same activities.
When we did start to date, it was a whirlwind courtship. We got engaged in 6 months. But it seemed like we fought alot and I am pretty easy going, so I kept thinking that maybe because I have been alone for so long I was having difficulties getting along with a mate.
We are getting married Jan 2nd and just had a crazy fight last night. I found myself thinking Passive Aggressive and decided to google that. I’ve spent all day reading and am sitting here with my mouth open..this is exactly who he is.
We are actually going to pre-marital counseling with the church, but the funny thing is we have only made it twice and we are supposed to read through a book together and talk about it, but he gets mad at me and then won’t talk for days and then we don’t get the homework done. Our next session is tomorrow and I am not sure if he will speak to me today or not…I waited so long to find a husband and the fact he was Christian, I just assumed it was God that brought us together.
I am hurt and disappointed…and was praying to God if he wants me to marry him or not…we only have weeks until the wedding. But, then I found this site and my heart is pounding, but I know I should not marry him, I just need the courage and grace to tell him. Please put me in your prayers.
If you can foresee years and years of agony like the many people commenting here, and you’re obviously not OK with that, then don’t marry him. Read and re-read all the posts here. You can’t and shouldn’t marry someone expecting and hoping for a change, just imagine that it won’t change for the better.
If you need encouragement to call it off, you have mine. Canceling now will cost you only a few days of sadness, that’s all. Compare that with the other comments you see here.
You should marry someone that you can be “all in” with, and not have any reservations. You deserve better.
Whether or not to get married is ultimately up to you, but reading all this after yet another terrible weekend with my husband, I thought I would weigh in. I’ve never posted online about any of this, and have only told my closest friend… I will be 44 next week, and have been married for almost 22 years. I had one (not passive aggressive, but significant) warning sign when I was engaged. I wish that I had taken it seriously and not followed through. Part of me thinks I went through with it because it was after the invitations had gone out!
Anyway, some background -my husband grew up in a Christian home, which was one of my criteria for choosing a husband. What I didn’t know is that his parents are THOSE Christians: the ones who have extra “rules” not found in the Bible and judge everyone and everything, and only the people in their church are going to heaven -everyone else is to be shunned or looked down on. So my husband kept his head down all the way through college to win their approval and support, and to this day still hides things from them. So I know where the root of his PA behavior came from.
As others have mentioned -he looks perfect from outside our marriage. We used to go country western dancing, something we’re very good at. Almost every time we went someone would come up and tell me that they wished their husbands looked at them the same way mine looked at me, and that we were obviously in love. He would act very romantic and make a big show of it. Then most nights as soon as we got in the car or home, the act would end.
We had always had a push/pull relationship with sex. If I didn’t initiate often enough, he’d complain. But if I did initiate he’d act disinterested or like he was doing me a favor. In 2009, I started saying we needed to have sex more often. This was around the time that he started denying me sex. At first it would just be 3-4 times a month, but at this point from October 2013 to present day we’ve had sex once.
He started in with the PA actions pretty much right after marriage. I actually recognized it at the time, just not how destructive it would become. Just some of the things he has done/does: -I worked nights for nine years, normally he left the porch light on and the front door unlocked for me, except when he was mad. I’d have to fumble in complete darkness to get up the steps and in the house.
-He always made the coffee in the morning, except when he was mad, then I’d awaken to no coffee and he would already be gone for work.
-When we got married he got mad at me for changing the oil in my car by myself, something I was accustomed to doing. So I said if he’d follow the proper schedule then I was ok with him doing it, if it was that important to him. I’d usually give him 2-3 weeks notice that the oil needed changing soon, but he’d never do it on time. After a couple years of this I had to start taking it to a repair shop to be changed, or risk more anger.
-For the first 10 years of our marriage he criticized everything about me. Literally. He didn’t like the way I talked, or my friends, or when I drank (I’ve never abused alcohol), my cooking or house cleaning, or pretty much anything else about me. Around the 10 year mark he accidentally blurted out that he was trying to help me be a better person. If looks could kill… He had to be more subtle after that because his consequence for random criticisms became too severe, since I’m a very direct person.
-As soon as he knows I want something, he immediately stops doing it for me. Early on this included compliments and kissing me, or having any kind of meaningful conversation with me. Eventually it led to him withholding sex as well, as I mentioned.
-As soon as he sees me acting happy about something, he’ll ruin it. Gardening, raising rabbits, taking day trips, etc are all things he has ruined for me in the past year and a half.
-He’s a master at designed inefficiency. Whenever we sit and plan out a project together, we’ll work to get it all down on paper -then he’ll go and build/do the project differently than planned. He’ll deny it, but when confronted with the paper he’ll say that’s not what he agreed to. On a couple occasions he has actually said that I must have changed things after he was already out building it -even when the plan was written in INK!! He’ll also bring the wrong things home from the grocery store, etc.
-When we’re having a conversation about issues, he won’t look at me. He doesn’t care if I tell him I’m hurt, or sad, or lonely. He doesn’t care if I cry. Of course, he tries to turn it all around and act like I’m crazy or making things up. He’ll say “Why would I do that?” or that I’m just making up meanings to the things that he says/does. This is just a partial list, but my post is getting too long!
He “acts” like he thinks he’s a great husband. I’ve had moderate to severe chronic pain for almost five years, and am in terrible pain and fatigue every day. He’ll do small chores for me but continues to deny me any of the things that I need from him. He has made it so that I can’t get out of the house, because I rarely drive, and almost every time we go anywhere he ends up picking some petty thing to give me the silent treatment over or berate me publicly, or he’ll yell at me over some perceived slight.
I’ve noticed for some time now that my pain level increases when he comes home. We were supposed to do some freezer cooking yesterday, and he came home from shopping and immediately sniped at me. I felt my pain level rise and became nauseous. Most of the time if I tell him he’s stressing me out and increasing my pain, he’ll actually ignore that and continue yelling at me or starting a fight. I end up in severe pain that can’t be managed with my meds. There have been times that I was sobbing and yelling at him to leave me alone because of the pain, but he would just keep hounding me about how everything is my fault.
One last warning sign for this post -I did make my husband aware of the whole PA thing last year. The 1st time that I told him about how big an issue it is, and said there was evidence online, he was enraged and didn’t believe me. After the second or third time he looked it up and had this big “pretend” conversation with me about how he read up about being PA and was shocked to recognize so much of himself on there. By the next day he was back to himself and created a huge fight that left me pretty much in bed for almost a week.
Since then there have been several occasions where we were fighting and I called him on something PA, and he became enraged. He has gotten in my face, and once pushed me backward over some boxes so that I fell to the floor on my back and hit my head, getting me a mild concussions and severe pain in my back for a few weeks. He hasn’t touched me since that event. I don’t think it’s likely he will. I share that just so people can be aware, the characteristics of being PA is NOT something that a PA person wants to hear. I’ve never seen that look on his face any other time that he gets when I say he is being PA.
I’m no angel, and have never pretended to be. I’m very direct and when pushed I push right back, which made me a prime pick for a PA man. But I do believe that I deserved better than what I got in a husband. At this point I mostly keep to myself and don’t expect anything of significance from him. Between that and being mostly housebound and the constant pain/fatigue, life is not much fun anymore.
I recommend that anyone not married to RUN not walk away, because many experts believe that this deeply ingrained condition can’t be reversed. I do believe that God can do it, but I’m not sure how He would do it without the participation of the PA person.
If you’re not happy before you get married –you’re in for some very bad times after you get married. I always thought I would come to love my husband after we got married since he was such a “good” man who took his “faith” seriously. The Pharisees took their faith seriously too –it was important for them to look good not be good.
How I wish I had not gone through with something I was never really happy about. I didn’t trust my own judgement since it had been belittled by parents and family members so often. Love is security –if you’re not feeling secure, you’re not loved. If you don’t feel peaceful, calm and happy, you’re not loved. If I could rewind my life, I would prefer never getting married unless it was a happy, peaceful, and secure place. I feel like I’m living in a Nazi prison camp. I cannot leave until my children are in a good place and I have some way of supporting myself –pretty intractable dilemmas after 26 years of painful effort. I would never wish this life on anyone.
Oh girl, I hope you ran!!!!
I wanted to comment on almost every post. I don’t even know where to start. I feel like I have so much to say but can’t articulate. I think the hardest part is that to deal with the p/a spouse you almost have to become like them. If you simply just say what you think or what you want there is a fight -usually resulting in him saying what amounts to, “See, I can’t do anything right. Look how you’re making me feel. I would be happy if you were happy.” The thing is that I cannot create a conflict free world for him. Raising kids, dealing with holidays, inlaws (both sides)… Life has conflicts. I would love it if we could face them side-by-side, together. Really in any conflict, the thing I fear most, is his reaction. It’s not that he is particularity violent -although he has punched a hole in the wall.
I had a family member sending threats and thought to protect my family, we should get a restraining order. I was so alone in that effort. He made me feel like it was all my fault. The guy was saying he was going to bring bloodshed to my doorstep. The hardest part of the entire ordeal, wasn’t the $20k spent on lawyer fees, it was my husbands attitude toward me. It was bad enough that this was my family doing this, but it was harder doing it almost completely alone (well, he does get points for letting me hire a lawyer). I know if I was severely ill or in terrible trouble, immediate trouble, he would come to help. But it comes at such a high price to get his love, while we just live day-to-day.
I totally get the post on how they make the counselors think they’re picked-on. We finally had a pastor tell him, “keeping everything in isn’t good”. No one seems to understand how toxic and destructive p/a is. I know what you all mean to say you are emotional beaten down. I just keep questioning myself, because now that he has to talk about things (because of the pastor), it’s all my fault. Well, really I’m saying it’s mostly his fault, so am I different? He has admitted that I’ve changed and come a long way. But still, those changes make him angry. I used to be opinionated, direct, and passionate. All the things he didn’t like. Now, I don’t care if the Christmas tree gets decorated.
Things I used to think were fun or good, causes so much frustration for him and the last thing I want is to get him frustrated. He becomes emotional distant, and I haven’t found a way to resolve it with out a fight. He says, everything he does is to make me happy, so the problem is just me never being please with him. For us, he doesn’t necessarily have to be right, he has to be the nice one. Which automatically makes me the mean one-right.
The only thing I know is to dig deep and find God in the middle of the choas. God is there, even when I don’t feel him. I’m starting to see that my worth doesn’t come from how happy my husband is. I need to quit working so hard to make him happy. It’s just so hard to be emotionally distant ,to keep myself intact and not get reactive because he knows and then blames me for being emotional distant. I used to be quite out going, and some might of said, “peppy.” He wants to continue to be distant himself, grumpy and negative, but for me to be singing about rainbows and unicorns.
I was oddly comforted by the post one of you said, about how your husband could tell if you started feeling better and would undermine your efforts. YES! I get it. If I let him know I’m happy or content, it’s like it doesn’t settle right with him. I just don’t get why someone would choose that behavior. I’m just ranting now. Sorry. Anyway, you all, you’re not crazy. Thanking for your comments.
My spouse is a passive agressive, he denies it. He has verbally, mentally and physically abused me where he would choke me. The police were called and he got arrested. But he did not stop the abuse, he told my boss that I was hitting him with a pet gate, even though this was not true. I lost that job, because he lied so well that they believed him.
He says and does things then turns around and denies saying or doing it. His abuse and making me think I was crazy almost caused me to committ suicide 4 years ago. I am to the point that I want to leave again sometimes, but I have responsibilites that I have to take care of.
I told him he needs to get help, he has lost so many jobs from this and his attitude, that he was once again not working. that is not the problem. He has stole over 35,000 dollars from my mom’s money, he said he would pay it back when he had no intention. Now he says that it was my choice to borrow the money to keep a roof over the kids and his head. He is a liar and a con artist.
He talks to himself and then denies it. He says he is going to do something and he doesn’t. He yells at me and treats me and the kids with disrespect. I am lost, I cant take it anymore. Now we are losing another house because he refuses to help out financially on the bills. Now I will once again be without a roof over my kids heads.
I need help, I cant take it anymore, I want out of this world and everything. There is so much more that he has done, I can’t keep trying to keep it all together, I want to be happy, I want to feel like I matter to someone.
My heart aches reading all these stories. After 25 years of wondering what was wrong with my husband, I decided that I was not going to live like that any more. I started reading everything I could get my hands on: Leman, Chapman, Ingram, MacDonald; “How to Get Your Husband to Talk to You”, “Sex Begins in the Kitchen”, “How to Have a New Husband by Friday,” just to name a few.
After 7 years of this, the living with a Passive Aggressive man practically jumped off the shelf, after fleeing the house to avoid yet another futile confrontation. I finally got him to agree to see a counselor and around our 30th anniversary we went together a couple times; it went very badly. He has continued with a female counselor for 18 months, and has developed an emotional attachment to her! I am dumbfounded!
I met with her several times, and she is completely hooked on his “poor me” it’s all her. Even after meeting with church elders, these men all side together. I have been abused the 32 years of our marriage, and I am not heard, he now has been “coached” by his counselor and puts me on the defense, because it’s not him! This man attends men’s group and church with me! When will this stop?
Oh, I have to change me! Waiting for another book this week “The Silent Cry of the Christian Woman”. I believe this needs to be addressed in the church! Who is teaching men to be spiritual leaders? The 70’s did a number on family values, and it needs to be reversed! No place to go.
Wow, the more I read the more happy I have become knowing I am not alone. There is so much that has happened that I can pin a tail on it. I read another site that stated we women choose men like this. Had I known the signs of him not forming close bonds with others I would have really run for the hills. This was hidden because he was a migrant and new to the country so I assumed it was circumstance.
However hindsight is always a wonderful thing! There where other signs on first meetings: defensive when questioned deeper on a subject, avoidence etc. My friends treat me like a leper now cause all they see is the wonderful believing man and a good provider etc. What do I have to worry about and one won’t give me her new address cause she doesn’t want drama at her place. Not supportive I have never been to her place taking my “drama”. Wow, if they could only lived in my shoes one day being ignored for months on end in between bouts of happiness and real closeness .
It’s like just when you begin to trust again and become happy then bam, the door is shut. It makes me very weary of sharing when I am truly happy with him. I pray for all the sufferers here that God gives us the strength to get through all this.
You’re not alone -ever. These men are the ones who choose us, not the other way around. So many times I trusted and was betrayed. Even my mother thinks my husband walks on water. And so many times I almost told her how he cheated on me -but stopped short -not sure why. Maybe she would blame me for it, who knows? I talked to some of my girlfriends about it but am always afraid they’re tired of hearing about it. So glad I found this forum!!
I read your story, my heart goes out to you. I have dealt with a pa husband withholding money to pay our lease and bills out of spite. I have had to make excuse after excuse for him to family and landlords. And finally one day God gave me the courage to stand up for myself and my children and tell the truth.
As I told the truth to everyone at different times of course, it became clear to me that I wasn’t insane to rely on him for financial support when we are married and have mutually agreed upon a certain amount for the monthly maintenance of our home and business. I filed for divorce because it hasn’t gotten any better.
I know that it’s not God’s plan for my life nor my children’s to be without a home. Yesterday God opened a door for me to move to a place affordable on my own. And He will do the same for you. I have endured verbal, physical and emotional abuse for three years. It has been the worst experience of my life. Every holiday and birthday is ruined, and I’m not exaggerating one bit. It doesn’t get better, only worse, because the manipulation is always an underlying factor.
I had to fight through many sleepless nights crying and wondering if I was living in the twilight zone. And when you come to the truth and speak it, and seek God’s holy guidance, you’ll begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel per say. When you do, run as fast as you possibly can to that light. You cannot help a person who will not help them self.
Susan, I’m so sorry that you came to this point in your life… truly. But please know that there ARE some P.A.’s that do change –maybe not as many as we’d like, but we can’t go forward thinking it never happens. A miracle may or may not happen for Terry… and I love your heart to ease her pain, but please be careful in recommending your path to her. It MAY be her path, but we still need to be careful not to eliminate the fact that hope may come in a different way than it did for you. Thanks though, for trying to reach out to comfort her. We both need to pray for Terry that she will know what God will have her do in her case.
Terry, I totally understand!! We attempted a Baptist church, and I felt they all looked down on me! We tried church counseling and regular counseling but nothing works because I can see he’s not being truthful. He’s only trying to prove he isn’t a bad guy, he turns things around and lies so convincingly, that they believe him! I quit even trying to tell people my story. Thank God for this site.
I have a PA husband, too. We’ve been married 36 years and are currently going to counseling. I know I should be grateful and hopeful, but it’s all a sham. The person he pretends to be at church, in small group, during counseling, at parties, is a far cry from who he really is. And most people “love” him. he’s very social and thrives on attention -always the funny guy. But at home he’s anything but charming. Of course he paints a picture of being a victim always. The counselor even told him during one session that he needed to stop playing the victim! Inside I was actually joyful -not because my husband was getting called out but because I finally had someone who got a glimpse of the real person!
My adult daughter sees him for who he really is and finally told him over Christmas that he was abusive toward me and if it didn’t stop she wasn’t going to come home anymore or be around him. So now, of course, he’s nicey-nice and trying oh so hard to be the perfect husband and dad. But I’ve seen this many times before and I’m always sucked into it with hope that MAYBE this time it’s real. I must be an idiot.
PA’s look for someone who is codependent and easily controlled. Given my childhood growing up with a narcissist controlling mother I was a prime candidate. I foolishly thought because I had grown up with someone like that I could resist and be strong enough to deal with another controller. But that’s incorrect thinking. They’ll wear you down over the years. I must turn to the Lord for strength. He will supply. I don’t know how anyone can get through this without Jesus Christ.
I didn’t realize my husband was Passive Aggressive until it was too late. I knew something wasn’t right at times, because it’s like he was there, but not really. He was good to me in 14 years of marriage, but I felt a sense of loneliness. If I asked him for something, he’d always get me whatever I wanted. I feel that he’s a good guy, but he just doesn’t know how to have a connection. If we argue, and I’m pleading with him, at times even throwing a mug on the floor to get through to him, he’d just sit there repeating the same thing. It was exhausting; I questioned myself throughout the years.
He got a DUI back in July, and when I look back now, this is when he started to slip away and withdraw from me and our son. I just never thought he would distance himself from our son. He was still being a dad, but he was different. He laughed less; he just was there playing on his laptop ignoring me like I did something to him. And if I dared to ask why he was behaving this way, he was utterly surprised.
He accused me of keeping our son from him. By this time, I just stayed on the computer and finally realized what it was, PA. But it’s too late, I just couldn’t take it anymore and I asked him to leave. For 3 months he stayed, even after he said he didn’t want to be with me, and just wouldn’t talk, or eat dinner. He was just there, punishing me. I miss him, but I’m happier.
Everyone goes through hard and difficult times in a marriage. But when you do not have a connection that is positive, then it makes it hard to grow as a married couple or family. I came to a point where my pa husband was so negative and uninterested,that I did what you did, found myself busying myself with the computer as he was, shutting down. Then he would blame me for always being on the computer or phone. It’s a no win situation that doesn’t end without a true miracle from God. I truly believe God has given you a gift of peace.
Today I stumbled on the Passive-Agressive term and how a person with those qualities manipulates a relationship. That term fits my husband perfectly. But when I began reading this site, I didn’t see many references to leaving the marriage or divorce or separation. It seemed like a “put up or shut up” mentality.
I know in my heart God would not want us to suffer under someone else’s hand. And knowing that Passive-Agressive person cannot be “fixed” without serious intervention, I was a little confused.
But Calli brought everything back into perspective for me. (Thanks, Calli!) Her last statement resonated so very loudly. “I miss him, but I’m happier. We’re happier.” I filed for divorce three weeks ago with that very hope in mind. I explained to my husband that I thought he would be a better father and I could be a better mother without the baggage of our relationship weighing down our responsibilities to our children (11 and 17).
Yet, the damage he did to my self-esteem, self-worth and independence is already making an impact on the children. And like my situation, God would not want our children to suffer under his manipulation. Our son (17) already exhibits the damage through low self-esteem, truancy, poor academic performance, forgetfulness, etc. My PA husband has already said that I have a hand in that damage, too… (passing blame) yet I’m the parent our son turns to when he’s frustrated, hurt or concerned.
We’ve tried counseling, but as soon as the counselor (male or female) calls him to task, my husband withdraws and proclaims they don’t know what they’re talking about. Even a role-play where the counselor asked us to reverse roles was quickly dismissed when the counselor indicated that my husband was a “bully” toward me.
I read that PA divorces are also drawn-out, expensive and painful. I hope I have the strength and resources to pull through unscathed. But always, I’ll keep my eyes on the desired outcome through my faith. God wants us to be happy. And maybe happy for me and the kids is away from the tyrant at home.
My situation ended in the EXACT same way. How is your relationship with him now? Did he change for the next woman? My ex still goes out of his way to frustrate me even after I’ve gone no contact for almost a year now. We have a 10 yr old son. Simple pick ups and drop offs are not simple at all… drop off is at 8 am but not a single call or text to say he’s not coming AT ALL. Why???
I’m so glad I found this website. It describes my wife pretty much to a tee. I think what makes it really tough for her is she’s a passive aggressive with real responsibilities, a husband, a job, and a special needs son. Many times she has said she doesn’t like her job and has said she wants to quit. I always say the same thing, look for another job and then quit. But she doesn’t do that. On a bad day at work she’ll say I want to leave but YOU won’t let me; you’re forcing me to stay.
A lot of times she seems to hold some small bit of anger for me not being a mind reader, instead of just communicating her desires in a traditional manner. A lot of times when I tell her to get the things she wants and needs for her happiness she’ll bring up that we don’t have money and I’ll say were ok, but she still doesn’t buy the stuff. Other times when she asks for things I may say can we hold off on that till next month or two weeks from now on payday? She seems again to be very disappointed like a kid without getting a toy from a store.
A lot of times she’ll say inappropreate comments that are hurtful and then seems mad that I’m asking her later why she said those things. You would expect a person to come back and say yes, I know that was ridiculous of me. Any thoughts?
Welcome to the madness Tom. After reading your post I can share some of what I know for sure. If in fact your mate is PA don’t torment yourself thinking your doing something to cause her to withhold emotions. I’ve been with my husband 15 yrs. Not once, has ever willingly expressed any verbal emotional feelings, without me starting the conversation of which I get little to no response and no eye contact.
True PA’s will not tell you how they feel but they’ll always show you! Mind reading is a prerequisite for the passive aggressives counter part. It’s not you; if I had ten cents for every time I’ve said “you think I can read your mind!!!,” I’d be rich. Keep the faith I’ll add you to my prayer list.
Last thought Tom, maybe you’re one of the lucky ones, that could talk your mate into counseling or marriage therapy. I believe with all my heart, with the right help and PA is not extreme; this would get much better for you and she. Pray for God to lead to you to therapy because I think unless PA is mild, the help you need for your relationship will only come from JESUS or along with a trained professional.
Although I can add before closing, when first I stumbled upon this wonderful site and realized what I was really dealing with. In my excitement to learn I asked my husband to review the information. I told him that I realized some of his actions may not completely his fault. I also expressed sympathy for a condition I truly believed he has. After some research he partly agreed to my astonishment and his behavior somewhat changed for a while. Maybe you should try the same. Good luck and prayers, Tom.
I believe my wife and twin sister are passive aggressive. There are many signs but here is one that happened me on a cruise. My wife and I and her sister and her new husband from Australia went on a 7 day Mexican cruise. Some of the ship seemed to be doing some light on going maintenance. One morning after breakfast we walked down a hallway that we shouldn’t have. Because the signs were not clear, when we got to the end of the hallway a Philippine man in dirty overhauls seemed upset with us and was a little impolite for being an employee. We turned around and went the other way he wanted us to and that was it, so I thought.
My wife’s twin sister said she never wants to come on this cruise line again. My wife said nothing but seemed to be sullen. We were headed to the deck to see the sun come up but both my wife and sister wanted to go back to the cabin. My sister’s husband looked at me and kind of rolled his eyes and slightly shook his head to me as if to say here we go. When we got back to the cabin my wife immeadiately said she didn’t want to take the tour of the ruins in Mexico that day, that we were all doing. She said she had a headache but when I pressed her she said she didn’t want to run into that man.
I didn’t feel like I wanted to go on tour as a third wheel and decided to go golfing alone. A few minutes later my sister’s husband knocked on our cabin door and said they weren’t going either because sister wasn’t feeling well but he did that roll of the eyes thing again as if to say it’s more than just a headache. So he and I both went golfing.
The next morning we decided to go to breakfast. The girls seemed better but didn’t want to return to that particular restaurant. Instead, we went to another one on another level that had no view. We didn’t go back to the other restaurant for four days and that was because the construction crew was now on the other level near that resturant. We were going to to avoid them… any thoughts?
This a very informative website but what I realize is no one talks about the underlying cause of the Passive Aggressive disorder and that is he or she being a victim or perceived victim. Last month I had a very nice couple in my office with some issues the wife had with her husband, neither of them knew the term passive aggression or its meaning.
For the purpose of this story I’ll say the wife’s name is Jane and the husband’s name is Stan. Stan had spent 11 years working at the same job getting a nice yearly bonus. He was a passionate Chicago White Sox fan but had never had season tickets. This year was going to be different and he commuicated to his wife that he was going to buy those tickets when they went on sale after he got his bonus. Jane was in total agreement with the purchase and felt he derserved the tickets.
Unfortunately, Stan received one of the lowest bonuses he ever got, lower than the one he got his first year at the company. Stan was a real victim at this point from his job and any bad choice his company had made that year that would cause him and other emploees to get such a low bonus and Jane agreed. Stan was understandably dispointed as was Jane for him. Stan told Jane he was going to get those season tickets regardless of his bonus and was going to get them by maxing out two credit cards, something Jane was not in agreement with. Jane’s reason was the that in four months they were going to have to start making loan payments on their sons first year in college and the extra debt would be difficult even without the new credit card debt Stan wanted to create.
Stan then felt that he was a real victim by his job and a perceived victim by Jane and Jane became the center of his passive aggression mostly through comments by Stan accusing her of control and reminding her continually that she, and not, the job was the reason he had no tickets. This is why Passive Aggressives usually take out their anger towards people who will accept it because Stan knew the job wouldn’t.
Thanks for this needed insight. I’ve seen this to be true with the passive aggressives that I’ve known. It’s something for the other spouse to realize so he or she has this hidden piece. Perhaps it can help in some way to be aware of this.
Hi there alone again & my other friend Susan if you’re still here. Feeling sad, overwhelmed, mostly bitter. Last night all I felt was rage!!! This site has saved my life!!! Knowledge is a powerful thing. I as well, did not know there was a title for the insanity we’re all living in with PA mates. The worst part of all I believe, other than giving up on love is when you feel like giving up on yourself!! There was a shift for me yesterday. I’m not looking for answers anymore! Feed back is wanted but please not in the form of this can get better or my marriage has a chance; it does not.
I need to vent, we all know talking to the one we live with is out of the question. Coming from an early background of sexual abuse and abusive relationships not to mention my mental issues, no matter how hard I pray or try I keep reacting in his traps. Extreme ADD, PTSD, combined with bipolar doesn’t leave one highly skilled in emotional control! I manage well with what I have to deal with, according to all who plainly see, without me making it verbal.
There are many times my husband’s behavior has caused me embarrassment, often leading to unwanted advice, comments as if they think I’m soooo stupid I don’t notice how inconsiderate or rude his action may have been. My GOD… I’ve spent years defending his actions as he thought I talked about him, instead of for him, which is something I waste little time on anymore.
I said something about a shift, right? Well here it’s as stupid as it will sound!!! All the hudge things he’s done, losing my 15 yr old blind, beloved, pet after me saying a million times “please don’t forget him when you let him out!” Oh and that other small incident when he forgot to pick up my child from grade school!!! Nor did he think it was a big deal after all he said he was sorry! he didn’t mean to forget her or have time to stop working outside long enough to help me find her!!! I discovered when I came home she was missing 5 hr. After school was over!!! Funny how I was the only one who didn’t realize she was missing Huh???
But no… not the straws that break the camels back for me… go figure!!! What could it be? a TV show, that’s what!!! YEP, you heard me. I met my limit over a TV show, silly I know! After watching the weather 30 mins or more and able to resite verbatim forecast to me for next several days, my husband goes outside to do some chores, at least 15 mins gone. I decided to do something [really stupid apparently] and change the channel to a show I don’t even try to watch if he’s in house. He enters the house, begins to berate my choice of which I ignore for a bit. But he won’t stop… on an on, then walks past me an says “stupid just stupid.” Me or the show, who knows, who even cares anymore? Continues on and on, he hates it, can’t stand to listen to it, etc, etc.
I ask “please stop” not very nicely I’m sure, then explain I really want to watch this. I go for another cup of coffee, and he changes the channel to the weather again!!! Three guesses… yes I did stand up for myself! I grabbed the remote back, cussing, shouting, no you won’t do this to me!!! “You will not treat me this way,” by a filthy word ending in hole!!! “Excuse you I’m watching this!!!” Oh yeah, I was not going to have it, I will not stand down this time!
Then I change change back to my choice. After all I live here too, I have rights, right? WRONG!!! I must have lost my mind yet again with that thought!!! Even if he didn’t mean me, when he said stupid, he was right, because from time to time, I have these relapses. Pointless I know but it happens. Sometimes I think I’m worth something, or that I should matter to someone!!! But then again… he goes on to prove I’m not. He proves just how competely unrealistic that sort of thinking really!!! The remote is in my hand… so he unplugs the TV and my value gets turned off with it!!! I feel such resentment, rage, frustration, dare I even say hate, toward someone I am supposed to love.
I would not have lost control as I did, had he not pushed button after button on me for days before this, impatient, insensitive I’m sure many know the drill! I end with this with his thoughts, which are, I was in the wrong because I pushed his buttons first. I should have known that he didn’t want me to change the channel because he was still watching THE WEATHER. And even worse, I put a show on, which I know he hates!!! Oh and, he did nothing wrong by changing the channel on me. He was simply going back to his show. I’m the one who changed it on him!!! COMMENTS PLEASE PEOPLE!!!
Reading this, and reading all the comments, makes me feel like I’m not crazy. My husband of 18 years is very passive aggressive and I haven’t really recognized it until recent years. I’m realizing that no matter how hard I try I will never be good enough and things will always be my fault. I don’t have a car so I have to use his. My husband throws a fit about me using it, but if I ask him to take our kids where they need to go, he throws a temper tantrum about that too. No matter what I do I am doomed. I’ve just ignored the tantrum about me driving & it seems to have toned it down some. I think what bothers me the most is that I feel like I don’t have a partner, I am raising a grown child. That, and the fact that my children are watching this behavior. I pray my children don’t fall victims to this behavior when they get married & I pray they don’t victimize someone this way.
What a terribly, miserable life. My husband struggles keeping his job. He is always the “victim” and takes everything his boss says as a personal attack. I worry all the time that he’ll lose his job. He doesn’t usually keep one for more than a couple years at a time.
I’m exhausted and I have no one to take care of me. I had major surgery & he couldn’t even come to the hospital. When I got home I was told to stay in bed, but I was up getting him what he wanted & making him food because he “didn’t feel good.” I feel more like a servant. I know we’re to happily serve others, but this is extreme. I feel like I have no control over my life. If I try to work out & get in shape, he’ll put me down or start arguments so I don’t go exercise.
What has helped me the most is calling him out on his behavior at the time he does it. I have said “blaming me doesn’t solve the problem,” etc. I have no help. He refuses to do anything but work and sit around & watch tv. I’m there to work, cook, clean, serve, raise the children, I could go on & on. There’s no relief for me. No one to ask me what I need.
He sleeps in a different room to avoid intimacy & then blames me. We have sex about every three months. If I don’t initiate I’m berated, if I do, I’m ignored.
There were warning signs before we were married but I ignored them. I thought my love could fix everything. Warning sign #1 anger out of nowhere. This anger isn’t always directed at you. It could be because a restaurant messed up, because someone pulled out in front of them. It could be directed towards you though. Maybe you miscommunicated (which is very common with them), or you made a mistake. It happens, but to them it’s the end of the world. Warning #2, they blame others. They didn’t get a promotion? Clearly their boss trashed them to management or someone else kissed up. They forgot a something important? It’s your fault for not reminding them. They lost their job? Their boss lied, a coworker lied, someone sabotaged their job. It’s never their fault. This brings us to warning #3, they are always the victim. They tried their best but someone didn’t like them. Poor them. You don’t love them enough, no one loves them enough, no one understands them. Warning #4, they discount anything important to you. If you have something important for work, or if you are graduating, or even a family get together, they’ll create drama or a distraction to turn the attention back on them. Warning #5, they’re jealous…of everyone! They’re jealous of your successes, friends, coworkers. No one deserves anything as much as they do. If you’re dating someone like this, RUN! Get away while you still have your spirit & dignity.
PA’s are selfish, lazy, entitled, angry & insecure. They will sabotage child raising, finances, even something simple as a good day. I’d like to think God can heal anything, but they have to be willing to listen to Him. Being a good Christian wife doesn’t make me a doormat. I’m slowly finding my voice. Either he’ll change or he’ll leave. At this point, I have nothing to lose but everything to gain.
Great website. There is hope! Me NOT being CRAZY has been confirmed over and over again, via this blog :0) I’m SO happy and I declare tonight that my husband’s passive-aggressive behavior will no longer rob me of my joy. Thank you – EVERYONE. I will continue to pray for myself, my son and my very weak husband. This passive-aggressive sickness is real! Tonight, I am free, truly free because, I believe that my God shall supply all of my needs according to his riches in glory. I am fortunate that I have a mother and sisters, and prayer warriors that pray for me and my family. I am blessed that my family is not mean to my husband, and is always willing to talk to me if my stress is at a level 10 (out of 10). I feel so at peace. I cannot put my trust in “any man”. That’s what the bible says. I would love to be able to depend on my husband. But, I can’t. I know there is a bright future for me. My main focus will be on God, staying healthy (eating, resting, working out, staying connected with others and planning for my future). I thank EVERYONE who have commented on this blog!
There were so many things in your post that said, “We’re married to the same person.” You described my life (without children, mine were grown when I married him). Then, I married him, a large child. Thank you for posting what you wrote. It is like riding a roller coaster and never getting off. It breaks you down and breaks your heart.