Are you dealing with a Passive Aggressive spouse? If you are, you’re probably pretty desperate to find help in dealing with this issue. That is because it’s one that is certainly perplexing, to say the very least!
It’s difficult to deal with someone who seems to have such a slippery way of doing things. He or she can appear to be passive, but then does things that contradict that stance.
First of All, Please Note: We’re going to address the issue of living with the passive aggressive spouse. But some of the quotes and articles we link to will single out one gender or the other. Please don’t overlook the advice that is given just because you may be dealing with the other gender. Pray, read, glean, and adapt the advice given, if it’s necessary. The advice is still good, whether it pertains to the husband or the wife. We hope this will be helpful one way or another.
Communication not clear
“The passive aggressive will say one thing, do another, and then deny ever saying the first thing. They don’t communicate their needs and wishes in a clear manner. They expect their spouse to read their mind and meet their needs. After all, if their spouse truly loved them he/she would just naturally know what they needed or wanted. The passive aggressive withholds information about how he/she feels. Their ego is fragile and can’t take the slightest criticism. So why would they let you know what they are thinking or feeling?” (Cathy Meyer, from article “Passive Aggressive Behavior, a Form of Covert Abuse“)
Does this sound familiar? Most likely, if you’ve dealt with someone who is passive aggressive… and it’s frustrating. But how is passive aggressive defined?
Passive-aggressive:
Pertaining to behavior in which feelings of aggression are expressed in passive ways as, for example, by stubbornness, sullenness, procrastination, or intentional inefficiency” (from Medicine.net)
Medline Plus gives this insight:
“Some common symptoms of passive-aggressive personality disorder include:
- Acting sullen
- Avoiding responsibility by claiming forgetfulness
- Being inefficient on purpose
- Blaming others
- Complaining
- Feeling resentment
- Having a fear of authority
- Has unexpressed anger or hostility
- Procrastinating
- Resisting other people’s suggestions.
“A person with this disorder may appear to comply with another’s wishes. They may even demonstrate enthusiasm for those wishes. However, they:
- Perform the requested action too late to be helpful
- Perform it in a way that is useless
- Sabotage the action to show anger that they cannot express in words.”
Cathy Meyer gives even further insight:
“Passive aggressive behavior stems from an inability to express anger in a healthy way. A person’s feelings may be so repressed that they don’t even realize they are angry or feeling resentment. A passive aggressive can drive people around him/her crazy. And they can seem sincerely dismayed when confronted with their behavior. Due to their own lack of insight into their feelings the passive aggressive often feels that others misunderstand them. Or, they feel they are holding them to unreasonable standards if they are confronted about their behavior.
“…If you confront the passive aggressive he/she will most likely sulk, give you the silent treatment or completely walk away leaving you standing there to deal with the problem alone. There are two reasons for confronting the passive aggressive. One, if done correctly you may be able to help him/her gain insight into the negative consequences of their behaviors. Two, even if that doesn’t happen, it will at least give you the opportunity to talk to him/her in a frank way about how his/her behavior affects you. If nothing else you can get a few things ‘off your chest.'” (from article Passive Aggressive Behavior, a Form of Covert Abuse).
Glean Through Info for Passive Aggressive Spouse
In the above mentioned article, Cathy Meyer then goes on to give “some ways you might approach your passive aggressive.” You may find it helpful to read the entire article, including ways to approach your spouse.
• PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR, a Form of Covert Abuse
Here are a few other things you might find helpful to read, concerning this type of behavior. Then click onto the links after the quotes to learn more:
“Passive-Aggressive people don’t usually like the aggressive posture over any issue. They’ll rather say, ‘Yes’ when they already know what they are going to do. The yes is to get their aggressive spouse out of their face. Rather than speak up their concern on an issue they keep quiet. But their displeasure is displayed in their behavior. He/she might walk around the house banging the door after them, react to their spouse with short sentences, or act to sabotage their spouse to get even or get back at them. You never really know what’s on their mind. When they say yes, as a spouse, you watch if that yes is really yes or yes —get out of my face. Or it may be yes —I already know what I want to do.” (From the Christiancouples.org” article, “Home Improvement Series XXXVIII – Wired Uniquely?“)
The Passive Aggressive Spouse is Hypersensitive to Criticism
From the Couples Institute, Peter Pearson, Ph.D writes:
“Passive-aggressive people are typically hypersensitive to actual or perceived criticism. This is especially true when they don’t follow through with promises. Here’s the kicker. They have great gobs of good reasons for not following through with crucial agreements.” (From the article, “Does Your Partner Drive You Nuts? … The Passive Aggressive Personality”)
It’s a Crazy World
As a spouse, you are “doomed” if you get angry. The same is true if you say nothing. “Welcome to the crazy world of the passive aggressive partner” says Dr Peter Pearson, who claims to battle with this disorder himself. He writes:
“The passive aggressive person generally feels they are under assault .And no matter what they do, they cannot please their partner. …The other partner believes they cannot depend on the passive aggressive mate to reliably follow through. Even if I am 80% reliable, as I would sometimes point out to [wife] Ellyn, she has no idea what the 80% will be or when it will be completed. This screws up the logistical part of being an effective team which supports being an effective couple. So what causes this aggravating problem that painfully affects both partners in different ways? Most passive aggressive folks have two things in common:
1. “A highly critical parent or parents. This can cause a high sensitivity to being judged on performance.
2. “A lot of painful disappointments in life. This results in a reflexive coping mechanism that severely restricts their hopes and desires in life. Minimizing desires is a subconscious attempt to avoid getting hopes up and then dashed. This triggers a warehouse of painful disappointments stored in the emotional brain.” (Peter Pearson, Ph.D, from his article, “Does Your Partner Drive You Nuts? …The Passive Aggressive Personality”)
Certain Triggers can Activate
Continuing on, Deborah Ward offers this insight as well:
“Certain situations will tend to activate passive-aggressive behaviour. This includes circumstances in which the person’s performance will be judged. Or he thinks it will, says therapist Jay Earley, Ph.D., such as in the workplace. Similarly, any situation where the passive-aggressor has to deal with authority figures, such as bosses, parents, teachers, community leaders and even spouses, will often trigger an indirectly angry approach. “…Passive-Aggressive personality disorder develops as a result of a combination of genetics and environment, says Earley. Essentially, this person feels that aggression is not allowed and to survive, he has to express his anger indirectly and defeat others in the only way he feels he can.” (From the article, “Causes of Passive Aggression”)
How Do You Deal With a Passive Aggressive Spouse?
There are other reasons, you can be sure. But whatever the reason, or excuse, how can you deal with it? If you are a passive-aggressive spouse, therapist Jay Earley, Ph.D., offers these further suggestions for creating a healthier attitude:
- “Become aware of the underlying anger and resentment that is causing your behaviour.
- Be aware of your desire to defeat others, get back at them or annoy them.
- Become aware of your need to fail in order to get back at others.
- Work on allowing yourself to be just who you are. Or work on feeling that you are okay as you are, that your sense of worth doesn’t depend on other people’s opinions
- Work on expressing your anger and standing up for yourself.” (From the article, “Healing and Dealing with Passive-Aggression“)
Additionally, Concerning the Passive Aggressive Spouse:
Here is some advice from Drs Les and Leslie Parrott that could help you, as well:
“It hurts deeply to accept that your spouse has passive-aggressive tendencies and might not always have your best interests at heart. Once you’ve come to terms with the dynamic in your relationship right now, start taking steps to set boundaries that protect yourself from further passive-aggressive behaviors.
“Depending on the extent of the issue, you may have to start being selective about what you share with your spouse. Deep thoughts, feelings, and aspirations might not be safe to express. You know your spouse best, so use your judgment going forward. You may find that only certain topics need to be off-limits, rather than a broad change to your communication.” (From their article, “5 Ways to Cope with a Passive Aggressive Spouse”)
Dealing with the Passive Aggressive Spouse
Now, if you’re dealing with a husband who inflicts this behavior upon you and your marriage:
“How are you going to stay clear, calm and connected with a passive-aggressive man? It will not be easy. But it can be done. You must master a few strategies. ‘First, understand passive-aggression. You cannot remain clear and calm if you don’t understand what is happening. If you remain reactive, you’ll be dancing from one encounter to another. Notice what is happening. When and where do you get hooked? What does he say that provokes you into snapping back aggressively? Notice these patterns and determine to remain clear about what is happening. Second, determine to be active, not reactive…'”
And the list and explanations go on. To learn more on this behavior and some strategies to help you live with your passive-aggressive spouse, please read this Growthtrac.com article, written by Dr. David B Hawkins:
• LIVING WITH A PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE MAN
And then concerning passive-aggressive wives, Paul Coughlin writes about:
Additionally, here is an article that addresses both husbands and wives:
• IS PASSIVE AGGRESSION DESTROYING YOUR MARRIAGE?
The next question we’d like to address is:
“How do women love passive-aggressive husbands?”
Question Addressed:
“First, understand passive-aggression. You cannot remain clear and calm if you don’t understand what is happening. If you remain reactive, you’ll be dancing from one encounter to another. Notice what is happening. What does he say that provokes you into snapping back aggressively? Notice these patterns and determine to remain clear about what is happening.”
Now, it’s relevant to know that the list goes on to make 11 additional points to help wives who are living with a passive aggressive husband. But many of these points can also be applied to husbands living with a passive aggressive wife. The principles given can pertain to living with a passive aggressive spouse, no matter what the gender is.
To learn more, it’s important to read:
• HOW TO LOVE A PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE HUSBAND
And lastly we encourage you to read these articles written by Drs Les and Leslie Parrott:
• SHOULD I CONFRONT MY PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE SPOUSE?
• 5 WAYS TO COPE WITH A PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE SPOUSE
In conclusion, I realize this article is not exhaustive in the information it gives concerning the passive aggressive spouse. If you are dealing with a passive aggressive spouse, keep asking the Holy Spirit to guide you to healthy information that will work for you in dealing with this marital issue. And then keep on the look-out, for what He brings your way.
Above all, may the Lord help you, as you put your hand into His for guidance.
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
If you have additional tips to help others, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: Communication and Conflict
My wife was molested when she was 12 years old by an uncle who repeatedly tried to touch her genitals as she was sleeping on the couch. I found out about this 2 years into our relationship because she was acting very cold to me one day and I asked what was wrong, and she said “sometimes things happen to people that make them not want to be touched” and then it all came out, except she said it only happened once. The uncle has long since died of a heart attack, which is good because I probably would have hunted him down and ended up incarcerated. I told her she needed to get some help with this and she flatly refused.
We married a year later and I kept thinking I could help her through this and guide her to a better place. Anyhow, in the meantime, my wife always seemed “easy going” but the reality was once in a while she would get very sarcastic, very mean, even bullying to me when she was stressed out and especially when she was on her cycle. It was always a weird comment here and there, (backhanded “compliments” and so forth) but otherwise it was smooth sailing and easy going over anything and everything. The bottom started to fall out with us though when I realized her father was abusive and I did not want her to be around him because he was trying to kiss her on the mouth when she was 25 years old and caught him with pornography (some really bad stuff) and then started wondering if it really was her uncle that did this or her father. The more I tried to keep us away from his mouth and controlling behavior the worse it got in our relationship, and the more angry I became because she allowed her father and then her mother to constantly dictate what we would do in our marriage.
The issues hit a head when her father assaulted me when I was on the way to an operation on my back–he pinned me against a car because I would not let the kids go with them camping up in the mountains where there was no electricity, no phone, no nothing. I didnt trust him and on the way to the hospital he pulled this. I told my wife “look, doesn’t this prove the toxicity and what he is?”–but she blamed me for the whole thing. Its been over 25 years now and the situation now is worse with her than ever before. We have had counseling both individually and as a couple over 10 times and spent a huge amount of money. I have acknowledged my anger towards her for allowing the stuff with her family to go on, and apologized over and over.
However now, there is nothing said when I hurt her feelings if we are joking (or when I think I am kidding around with her), if I forget something, etc. and she gets mad, says nothing, and then I pay for it later with the cold shoulder, withdrawing, and sarcasm/mean comments. It has driven me to the point I feel that I am losing my mind, and am so angry over all of it. She will admit nothing she does and then when I confront her in any way shape or form it is denial, denial, denial. I have taken a class on passive aggressive behavior and have tried benign confrontation and it does nothing. When I ask her to be honest with me how she feels, she says she can’t do that “because of whats happened before and I would just make fun of her, tell her to “grow up” or blow up at her”. The truth is that she never to my recollection has EVER shared with me once that she was upset about something. I have no idea if I am coming or going, and it finally came to a head a few days ago because she was telling me “not to live in the past” but then said because I had been grouchy on a vacation a year ago she didn’t want me on the vacation this year because I would ruin it for everyone. I asked her “how is that not living in the past by asking that question?” and she shut down on me, and would not talk to me. I finally just asked if she hates me that much then why are we married, to which she replied “I don’t know”. So, I am ready to just file for a divorce because nothing changes and she will not be honest with me, nor will she forgive anything I have said or done evidently.
If anyone has any direction for me I am all ears. I never thought it would get to this point but to be blunt I don’t know who I am living with anymore–does she really secretly hate my guts and is putting on the happy act for the kids and public because she’s too embarrassed to just divorce me? Who is the real wife I am with? I have no clue. I am a teacher and counselor myself, and have counseled so many people on so many issues but have never had to deal with a situation like this as a professional which is leaving me so totally depressed I am without hope. I am by FAR not a perfect man, but have honestly tried to figure this out and do what is best for all of us and am wondering if it’s beyond my ability to deal with. I feel like I am going crazy and there have been times I wanted to just smack her for the crass comments and mean behavior. If nothing else, saying all this has gotten it off my chest and maybe someone else can relate.
Dear Mark, It is terribly hard to judge the situation. However knowing a bit about PA people they have the tendency not to file for divorce but push the other partner into it. So they can captialise even more on the situation. Whatever happened to her in the past has nothing to do with you. She has to face these devils herself and look for ways of managing the situation herself even if it means to break up with her parents. That would be a most painful scenario she fears so badly that she rather punishes you. Obviously she has a very controlling father and it’s far easier to punish you and not him.
Now it will cost a lot of energy but if she wants a divorce SHE has to do it. If you give in and file for divorce the family as it is is destroyed. The kids will see you divorcing their mum, no. She will get the kids and more opportunity to incite missgivings against you blaming all her unhappiness on you. Hang in there. You have to manage a very difficult situation which “in time” you might turn around or not. Please don’t forget circumstances are changing all the time. Try emotionally not to act hurt anymore but indifferent. I know that is a very hard call especially when you love someone but I’m not saying love less but just show some emotional strength. You will shock her but that is exactly what she needs.
Your marriage, as most of the marriages, deserves great effort and energy because it can be done. When your children are adults you have the liberty to make whatever decisions you might want to make. All in life is about damage control and inflicting the least damage. I hope that helps!
Please… Does anyone out there have any suggestions on how to deal with the Silent Treatment ?
Hi Susan, Very GOOD question! As a husband married 36 years… I have had that tendency to be silent, simply because I do not know what else to do, nor do I always know exactly what to say, nor can I always how I feel. People also do this because they are mad, and they know this is hard on their partners.
Either way, the tendency is to try and break the silence, to resolve the conflict NOW… to chase the silent partner to get an answer. I think that if the opposite approach is tried… to take a step back, to be slightly aloof… will give the silent person space, and also make the silent person wake up and say, “This is not what I want!! What kind of a relationship do I have anyway?” Then the silent person has room to open up and approach the partner. I am NOT saying to “repay evil for evil” and also be silent, no… but rather not to chase the other right away… and also make it clear that the silence is not OK and that talking and communication are desired.
Basic message, “OK… if you want to be silent and difficult… I don’t like it… but I do have other things to do. When you’re ready to talk, I’m here :))” Really distressing!! See what you think and prayerfully consider this idea. I hope the silence breaks soon!! WP (Work in Progress)
My second marriage is ending and it seems I should be glad, but I’m so sad. My estranged husband is PA and it’s certainly his way of controlling. It’s taken 6 years for him to acknowledge his ways -including 2 yrs marriage counselling and 5+ counsellors/psychologists. I have not coped well with his PA. I suppose that makes me human! I love him so and see his ways as a product of his past; I don’t understand why he can’t be strong against his negative thoughts and ways.
We have been together 16 yrs. I feel like an idiot for still loving him and wanting our marriage to continue. We are “unevenly yoked” and in his leaving I know it is biblical grounds for me to be comfortable moving on. I’ve suffered depression over a 20 yr period and have had 3 exacerbations of Multiple Sclerosis. He has 3 grown children and I have one. I don’t want to write more… I’m trying my best to find inner strength to let go and move on. We’re only in the early stages of separation. Just need people to pray for peace in my heart. My head knows I’ll be okay, but my heart is struggling.
Every since my husband was laid off permanently from his job back in 2009 and has had to resort to working for Walmart part of his behavior has changed and not necessarily for the best. He is hoarding everything. He won’t throw anything away. If he empties, the fabric softner bottle he leaves it on the shelf. If we have a clear space on the coffee table he has to clutter it. If he does the dishes he doesn’t get them clean. He even puts dirty dishes back in the cupboard.
His parents live this way and it’s driving me nuts. He doesn’t want to do anything around the house and expects me to do it all and clean up after him. It takes me going on a cleaning rampage before he and our three adult son’s will do anything to help. I refuse to cook because I want a clean kitchen to work in. I’m not able to stand and do dishes because of my back.
We live in a 2 bedroom home so a small mess looks huge and yet he and the boys can make messes faster than I can clean them up. It’s driving me crazy. He’s even irresponsible when it comes to paying the bills. Because he didn’t pay the gas bill we went two months without hot water and a way to cook food on our gas range. I’m expected to work and then come home and clean up after 4 adults. Help before I lose my mind.
Armilda, you have a LOT of dysfunction going on in your home. It sounds like you have a major clean up that you will need to accomplish. The first is something that I need to ask a question about… why do you have your 3 “boys” who you also claim that they are “adult sons” living with you? Are they mentally and/or physically challenged? And why aren’t they helping with the cleaning and paying of the bills if they are “adult” in age? That’s my first question and then challenge to you. We can talk more after you consider that one and clarify the reasoning in having them live with you in a 2-bedroom home. Can they not pool their resources and get a small apartment for themselves and not live with mom and dad –adding to the confusion?
I finally have a name for this terrible struggle between my husband and I. He is extremely passive aggressive and I constantly feel anger loss and now more frequently despair. Counsellors have not been very helpful because he is so gentle and hard working in the sessions.
This has really been helpful, thank you so much for writing this article on how to manage an aggressive husband. The Lord will strengthen you.
I pray the Lord strengthens you too, and gives you wisdom as you try to figure out how to interact with your spouse, now that you have been given more insight. “May the Lord direct your heart into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.” (2 Thessalonians 3:5)
I’ve been married for 23 years to a recently self-diagnosed passive aggressive husband. This was my second marriage, his third. Between the two of us we had nine children. Blending ourselves and our kids was a nightmare. I naively thought that after they were grown and we were out from under all the ex’s interference and torture, that we would be happy. Not so.
Long story short, I was a stay at home mom and homemaker most of my married life. I believed it was for the best to raise and nurture children instead of working and putting them in daycare. I’m now 61 years old, no retirement, no income of my own–the age when most people are getting ready to retire. When I try to talk with my husband, he says I need a job. He has expressed resentment that I get to stay home and do nothing if I choose while he has no choice but to work another 11 years till his retirement at 67. His number one punishment of choice is the silent treatment, while he scowls and pouts. Whatever I tell him I need from him, he does the opposite while saying I am complaining of him and have low self esteem, and nothing pleases me. I am drowning. I am not suicidal, but just have been wishing the Lord would come because all I see in this world is meanness, cruelty, and evil. Please pray for me. I need a friend with a kind word.
Debbie, as I read what you wrote, my heart tugs for you in sisterly love. What occurred to me as I pray is to encourage you to find a ministry in which, you can get involved. The Bible tells us that those who refresh will themselves be refreshed. Look for ministry opportunities for those who have it worse than you. It gives us greater appreciation for what we have and blesses in ways we never could have imagined.
As for your husband… honestly, he has a point. It has to be hard to be the only one having the responsibility of bringing in the income. If he expresses to you that it is causing resentment within him, ask God to show you how you can find a job –even a part time one in the beginning. If it didn’t bother him, it wouldn’t be an issue, but it does. So even though it would be difficult (because your husband doesn’t appear to have handled his emotions in mature ways), try to express your appreciation to him for working as he does, bringing in the money that puts a roof over both of your heads. Try to find ways to bless him. It’s amazing how that can sometimes start to turn things in a better direction. Keep in mind that whatever you do for him, you are doing it as unto the Lord.
Perhaps this is a new chapter in your life that even though you are 61, God wants to use you within the work place and within ministry opportunities to shine His light within a darkened world. We are in our 60’s and it is amazing how God is opening doors for additional ministry opportunities –exciting ones at a time when most people think it’s time to sit back and “retire.” That isn’t always the plan God has for us. It isn’t for us, and I have a feeling it isn’t for you. Seek God’s face in this and ask Him where to look, and what to do as you are facing this new time of change in your life. I pray God gives you insight and guidance, as you do and gives you HIS vision for what you are to put your hand to, to do. “And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ —to the glory and praise of God.” (Philippians 1:9-11) May He bless you as you reach out to Him.
Thank you Cindy Wright for your words of encouragement. You are so right in your advice. I will get my mind on helping someone else. Self pity is disgusting. Thank you also for your sincere prayers. They have renewed my strength to get on with life in a positive way. Love in Christ, Debbie
I notice my husband trying with me. I would never deny that but, his back tracking is confusing, and when he antagonizes it is a conversation killer. It’s why he does it because, it works. If I try to ignore it and get us focused on a good place again, reminding him, this is only us expressing ourselves, it’s good but, it shouldn’t come between us. He reacts resentful but obliges. Sometimes.
What you said is all true but, I feel him pulling away and it’s really hard to feel secure. How does one keep their security?
I’m not sure if this will help at all, but I highly recommend you read the book, written by Milan and Kay Yerkovich titled, How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage
. It’s published by published by Water Brook. The authors of this book “draw on the tool of an attachment theory to show how your early life experiences created an ‘intimacy imprint’ —an underlying blueprint that shapes your behavior, beliefs, and expectations of all relationships, especially your marriage. They identify four types of injured imprints that combine in marriage to trap couples in a repetitive dance of pain. The principles and solution-focused tools in this book will equip you to… –identify the imprints disrupting your marriage –understand how your love style impacts your mate –break free of negative patterns that hinder your relationship –enhance your sexual intimacy, and –create a deeper, richer marriage.” I heard the Yerkovich’s talk about this subject and could see how it could absolutely change the lives of many couples in positive ways as they better understood each other’s communication styles. It’s truly an enlightening book –revealing things I never realized before. I’m thinking it may at least give you some insights into your husband. And because they give solution-focused tools in the book, you may discover that some of them may help. I hope so. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Please know that.
I am another stupid women who has lived with a passive aggressive man for 39 years. (Yes. I know. How could anyone be so stupid?) It took 35 years to discover why he had always acted in certain ways. He almost convinced me that I was crazy. I started researching his behavior online and there it was-all of the signs that he was passive aggressive! My dad was an alcoholic (every drinking holiday he would try to beat my mom and I would have to call the police) and my mom was manic depressive and I was a codependent just waiting for my husband to come along.
I was a peacemaker and a problem solver and worked hard at home and long days at work to insure that my husband never had to do anything but go to work and come home and sit in his recliner. Then about 10 years ago I started to get sick and was only recently diagnosed with severe neuropathy. The medications have caused me to gain 60 pounds and I found out my husband doesn’t like fat women. He uses what I have always called “hostile humor”, lies by omission, never does any chores I ask, or does them poorly, gets verbally abusive when criticized and on and on. He will not talk to me about any of this and when I push the issue he walks away or starts saying unforgiveable vicious things to me.
His family are some of the meanest and rudest people I’ve ever met so I know he has a lot of resentment towards his mom. I can’t work because of the health issues and because it took 10 years for the doctors to diagnose me I cannot get disability and need the health insurance. The last time I confronted my husband he told me that I make him nauseous and he wants to throw up when I’m in the same room with him and that I never did anything for him. Of course he apologized and doesn’t understand why I’m still upset with him. In fact told me that I need mental help. (Guess I do for staying married to him that long). Any suggestions on how to cope with my tattered marriage?
What are you to do as a wife when your husband provokes? Or gets mad when you ask him to not drive at 80 going in and out of traffic then he calls me fidgetty or that I need a thunder jacket used for dogs? He says he hasn’t gotten in an accident and is not driving unsafe… he becomes very frustrated with the people on the road and seems highly annoyed. We have been married 25 years and have 2 boys, still school age.
He continues to belittle me and I would greatly consider him passive aggressive. I am now always doing the driving or taking separate cars because my request annoys him to help me feel safe while he drives and he feels it is unnecessary request.
My husband seems to be passing email aggreasiness and has also physically assaulted me, which led to an arrest on one occasion. He refuses help of any kind. He has split but lays a a guilt trip on me and says he prays every day for me, as I see him each day because of shared responsibly with our dog. He will not take responsibility for his behavoiur nor has he said he is sorry. Each time I try to talk with him he says it’s in the past. Then he bullies me, then when he has calmed down he says it’s in the past, and acts as if nothing has happened although I am a fearful wreck. Is this a passive aggressive person.
Hello, Would passive-aggressive be an appropriate description for a spouse who, when I was verbally abused at church by pastors and deacons, refused to take up for me? In fact, he kind of piled on and agreed with the terrible remarks. The rest of the description fits him. I did enter the marriage with low self-esteem. He said something like, “I had to find someone who could get along with my mother.” I took it as a compliment, LOL- can you imagine? Now it would be a red flag. I think he meant him because he is NEVER wrong.
In all these almost 4 decades if I state mildly that I have a need, very minor ones, he emphatically says no, he will not do that. I thought it was me all these years, then went to counseling. To everyone else he appears perfect. I’m always the “bad guy.” Once my car needed work and when I asked if he would trade, as I work out of town, so he could get my car fixed, he was very mean saying no, he did not want to have to drive my car at all. I ended up staying out of town overnight to get the car fixed.
If I have a problem with us, he turns it to I have said he is a bad husband, and he knows that can’t be true. Although his mom is domineering, she worships him totally. She used to tell me all the time how lucky I was to be married to him. Now she just tells me now and then. I think he thinks the same thing. I am working hard to not need him at all. I have read Christian stuff that says I should keep needing him. I don’t know why as it never works.
Other women make it clear that they would like to be with him. Sometimes I think, ok, go ahead. I’m trying not to doubt myself, but it is difficult. I just wanted to have a loving companion who valued me but what I got is someone who found me initially easy to manipulate and blames me for everything. Sigh.
Thank you for this nice article. Unfortunately I got married too soon with a man 12 years older than me. A few weeks into the marriage, things got pretty bad. I could not express any opinion, even the small mondaine things. He would turn everything as if I was exaggerating, crazy, and unrealistic. We would be sitting together and if I say a word that he would not like (even something trivial) he would ignore me and stop talking to me for a week. He would also withhold affection and intimacy.
His behaviour used to drive me crazy, and he just stayed calm. I used to pray to God every night to remove this toxic man from my life; I felt there was something wrong and of course I started doubting myself. I am known to always have a smile on my face but my self esteem took a hit with him. Even with all this, I wanted to do a family and make my marriage work.
Then I started to notice that every month would pass and when it was time to get intimate to make a family he would either pick a fight or give a silly excuse. I started googling his behavior after a year into our marriage and found out about passive aggressive behavior. It was my husband, without a doubt. I should have known better as he was married before and his marriage lasted a year.
The second year of our marriage I was still trying and trying, especially that I believe a marriage is for life but you simply cannot do anything as people with this disorder never admit they are doing anything wrong! They are always the ones hurt. I was always to blame for everything according to him. Finally, after we had spent two years together he says to me, I don’t love you and I don’t want to be with you; pack your things and leave. That was last August. I am back to living with my parents. Thank you God that I am no longer with him. I have rediscovered what it is like to be me again (where I do not have to think a million times before speaking because it might turn into a fight). I believe that you cannot be fully happy with such a person. Now I am focusing on myself.
Although I learned some things in this article, I found it profound that the responsibility seemed to rely on the spouse’s reaction instead of helping the pa learn positive behavior and how damage is done to their relationships.
Wow where do I start. Thank you for this article and thank you all for your comments that I have read with bulging eyes. Omg omg! I’ve been with my husband for 9 years married 7. I first noticed this PA when we moved in together. I have a son who was 15yrs old at the time and a pretty good boy. The very first night in our home my husband complained to me that my son used the wrong towels; my husband was fuming. I got angry with him and said it was just a silly towel. But he just kept complaining and ended up resenting my son and didn’t pay attention to him and just the way he looked at my son really scared me at times. My gut feeling then said that this man wasn’t right. My son moved out and lived with his dad within a year as he felt not included and felt rejected. Hard because at the time I thought he was being a typical teen but I was kind of happy (mean I know) that there wouldn’t be any more conflict or trouble now he was gone. Deep down I knew the truth but was too selfish to do anything about it.
My husband got worse. Constantly sarcastic towards me and my son, constantly avoiding talking to me, constantly critical of himself and me, constantly playing the victim, constantly fake (smiling at me but his eyes are angry), constantly saying yes but meaning no and making my life hell each time, constantly trying to compete with me, constantly putting my friends down, constantly taking other people’s side and making what they think more important than me (we were doing IVF and the doctor we saw was undermining me and being rude and sarcastic; I’m a straight up person and told the doctor that his behaviour was upsetting me, immediately I needed my husband’s support but he just looked at me like I was disrespectful to the doc aaaarrrggghhhh).
He was constantly wanting to control how I furnished the house or where I put accessories (I was about to put my photos of my family on the wall and he said he hates photos; they make the house look untidy. Omg I should have left then -that was 2weeks after moving in. He said that constantly complaining I don’t include him in anything I purchase. I bought some clothes at the second hand shop for $30 and he thought that was too expensive (I got 5 pieces of clothing for that price).
The biggest and now most concerning is he’s stealing my joy for life (I shared with him last year a vision I had about the future that I would travel the world teaching). I got soooo excited. Within 1 minute I was in tears; he said I was selfish.
We had been trying for a baby for 6 yrs and during that time he was so unhelpful, so scared he would avoid talking at all about having babies. Every time some one we knew had a baby he hated them, if we saw a new baby he would avoid it, and through out this tough journey I said to him one night if he had any hope we would have kids and he said there was no hope at all -something died in me when he said that. This meant this whole baby making journey he wasn’t a part of except physically; I was on my own. Actually the whole marriage I’ve felt on my own.
After realising he had no hope 2 days later I found out I was pregnant I was soooo excited but he wasn’t now; he was scared. We lost the baby 2 weeks later. A month after our miscarriage I decided I wanted to nurture something must have been hormones and bought about 6 beautiful flowers that I potted. I was so happy and excited about them I couldn’t wait to show him. He came home and the look on his face was deadly and just said what a waste of money, lots of tears that day and a thought that I have to leave this man he’s killing my joy. I then said I wanted a puppy; he said no, never.
With the years of frustration and pain living with him I just said stuff it I’m getting one and I did. She’s the joy in my life. My punishment for getting this puppy, my husband refuses to help bring her up. He’s done nothing and that’s fine with me. She’s made me smile and happy again. This happened late last year and in my head I know it’s only time. I’ve gotten so unwell that I had to leave my teaching job as I felt I was going mad. I’m now at home doing nothing while he works and I’m planning my separation. I’m glad I waited till now so I can first get well, then I’ll be able to be more strategic because I know I have to be; he’s sharp and doesn’t miss a beat.
I’ve already told him I’m seeing a counsellor and I spoken with a lawyer about leaving him. But oh he’s real good; he’s decided to fake intimacy, he’s kind and generous, giving me lots of affection and even came with me to the park with my puppy. He’s also suggesting we both go to counseling. My goodness it all sounds and certainly feels lovely like we’re a family again, but I know how it works. I’ve decided just to do whatever I want that makes me happy at the moment and it’s lovely…I dread the D day when I leave; I can only imagine how hard it will be. BUT I know I will have my joy back my zest for life, can’t wait.
In saying all this about my husband I know that his behaviour most certainly triggered my angry buttons and loads of times I saw myself screaming, just constantly annoyed and angry with him. During my relationship with him I took my issues to counselling to sort through so it confuses me when nothing changes in our relationship. I’m trying but he’s like an anchor on our boat going no where.
Thank you all for your words, it’s helping me big time. God bless. Denise
Denise, I can’t tell you what to do, nor do I have all truth, but please be careful about judging your husband’s every motive on what you perceive them to be. I don’t know you and I don’t know your husband. Perhaps his motives are as underhanded and self-serving as you claim… I don’t know. But I want to warn you, because I’ve seen this type of thing happen many times before where it all LOOKS self-serving and evil, and yet it was one misunderstanding heaped upon another, which looks one way, but actually it’s false evidence looking real.
I’ve written 2 articles that I encourage you to read, hoping they may bring a few things out to the light that may help in some way. One is found here: https://marriagemissions.com/dangerous-assumptions/ and the other is found here: https://marriagemissions.com/looking-through-manure-colored-glasses/. Please read them with your heart open… JUST IN CASE what you thought you knew, may be skewed in some different ways (I’ve sure done that many times). Maybe not, but it’s worth looking at before you dump out of the marriage.
I can tell you that we receive email after email, comment after comment from (mostly) husbands who thought things were fairly okay, from how they see it, but then their wives leave and their eyes are totally slammed open. They realize how wrong they had been –they go through what we call “ah ha moments” (we’ve even written about them on this web site), and wish with all their might that they could have a “do-over.” But the wife won’t, at that point. How we wish we could have talked to these husbands and wives before one of them declared “it’s too late.” I shared one such email in an article, which is posted at: https://marriagemissions.com/wishing-for-another-chance/. Please read it.
Perhaps this is your now “clueless” husband… perhaps not. But please prayerfully consider all that I’ve encouraged you to read. It may not be as late to turn your marriage around for the better as you think. My husband and I were there once, and many, many other couples we have come across through the years. Ah ha moments do still occur and people can change. Are they capable of stumbling even afterward? Sure… but they are stumbling forward, instead of backward. These are just some thoughts for you to consider. Not all things are the way that they seem. I pray wisdom and insight and an open mind in considering these things, and pray the Lord ministers to your hurts, which are very real and need to be tended to.
Excuse me but I’m not judging my husband im living it and I’m getting really unwell. I don’t assume anything. I’ve tried for 9 years to initiate help and get us support. He’s just recently sed he had no issues and he doesn’t need help or counseling. You c I’m doing all the wrk. I’ve just realised he’s doing nothing to change. Because of this im unwell and exhausted and run out of energy. If he realises later what he should of could of done when we separate that’s his fault. Gee funny u advise me not to judge yet I feel judged by you.
No judgement here… I just asked you to consider the possibility of looking at things another way. As I said before, I don’t know all of the circumstances. I just felt impressed to put that out there for you to consider because I’ve seen marriages more messed up than yours make complete turn arounds. But again, I don’t know all that is going on behind the scenes that I can’t see. I’m sorry for your pain.
Well i felt judged, especially when you said for me to be careful not to judge my husband for his every motive. When some one says to me that I wasted my money on flowers even though it made me super happy and joyful that hurts. I didn’t judge him here I felt the pain of his comment and felt deflated and belittled. I was simply wanting to nurture something after our mis carriage so I bought flowers. Every time I’m happy and joyful about anything he immediately changes that through his comments or his facial disdained impressions which leaves me confused and hurt. That ain’t judgement that’s pure pain and lack of care and happiness for me. He said himself he’s depressed and don’t think much of himself. He’s reflecting that onto me and I’m exhausted. I’m just sharing my experiences and thoughts on here as part of my own healing. Thank you anyway.