Pornography hijacks the brain. That seems like a strange statement, but it’s true! That’s what we’re seeing in our ministry, and medical evidence is now proving it to be true. The excitement of pictures and living “images,” plus having sex with one’s hand, is being exchanged for making love with one’s wife. Pornography is hijacking the brain of these husbands.
Continually, comments are being left on this web site where wives are crying out that their husbands are rejecting them sexually. It is being discovered that these same husbands are spending time on the Internet, “privately” fulfilling themselves sexually. (Of course, we know thatGod sees it all.) They are viewing pictures of naked women, and many are watching live strip shows. They satisfy themselves sexually, while their wives are left wanting and sometimes waiting in the bedroom.
Wives Left Wanting
I’m not talking about men who are rejected by their wives sexually. These are husbands, who have wives who want to make love to them. But instead they go into another room and satisfy themselves sexually through images of other women. Some even exchange naked pictures with other women. Somehow they justify that there’s nothing wrong with this. Sometimes I want to scream in frustration, as I learn of this!
It’s SO sad and frustrating when you see a problem and you know the solution to a problem. The ones participating in this sin, need to STOP IT. (A humorous way of approaching this problem is found in the You Tube video, Simple Advice We Sometimes Need.)
In reality, though, this issue is anything but funny and easy. That’s why it’s spreading like an insidious virus of darkness. It is hijacking what is decent and good. Those who are tempted to do wrong, need to FLEE, as the Bible tells us in 2 Timothy 2:22. It IS possible. Others have done it. But it also is very difficult, which Mark Gungor talks about in the following YouTube video.
Can the Damage Done by Porn Be Reversed?
I’m not going to go into this issue too much further. That’s because we have a lot of information posted on this web site that can help you better than I can. Paul Byerly’s article, “Sexual Attention Deficit Disorder” is one of them. Please read it. He gives you a lot of good food for thought.
And then we have additional articles posted in the Pornography and Cybersex topic of this web site. Make sure you read through the quotes, testimonies, AND the Featured Recommended Resources and Web site Links, as well. There is a lot of help you can receive, if you take advantage of and apply the advice being offered.
But I want to leave you with a few quotes, hoping they will inspire you to dig deeper into the Quotes part of the Cybersex topic and the links and articles, for the help you may need. Plus, I will close by giving you a link to a web site that will bring in the scientific backing to all that is written here.
The following are a few things you may not have realized:
• “Viewing sexual stimulation re-calibrates your sexual set point.
“Once your mind forms a picture or has a new sexual experience, this becomes the norm. To get another thrill you need something even more exciting. This is how porn use can destroy your interest and attraction for your mate. Repeated pornography use numbs normal sexual drives and deadens your desire for a real person/partner.
“In addition, bizarre as it may seem, the more shame you feel about your guilty pleasures —the more you resent your partner! We don’t like people who remind us of our bad behavior. When you violate the lines of your own commitment and values you actually end up looking for faults in your partner to alleviate your guilt. ‘Well, if he/she were more (fill in the blank) I wouldn’t be doing this.’ And the guiltier you feel the more vulnerable you become to the escape of a sexual high.
“Millions of people are currently caught in the excitement cycle of porn use or an affair, either online or face to face. And if you think it will stop where it is, research proves you very, very wrong. Relationships which begin in cyberspace eventually meet face to face in some way, shape or form.” (Pat Love, from Yourtango.com article, “Is MySpace YourSpace?)
• Pornography is a parasite.
“That is because it steals your emotions, your focus, your time, and your energy away from your spouse. I mean, it’s really demonic, if you want to get down to it. Pornography is trying to meet a legitimate need in an illegitimate way. When you go down that path, you are not fulfilling each other as God intends for husband and wife and vice-versa. Plus, it starts to degrade your marriage. (Alex Kendrick, co-writer of movie, “Fireproof”)
• Pornography is dangerous.
It rewires the brain to believe that what is sexy is anonymous sex, rather than the relationship. It makes sex physical, rather than about emotional intimacy. Soon it loses the ability to cause emotional intimacy, and emotional intimacy loses the ability to cause any sexual feelings. …It has been found that men who use internet pornography actually lose their sexual desire for their wives. (Sheila Wray Gregoire, from the Growthtrac.com article, “Talking About Sex”)
• A man who fills his mind with sexual images and thoughts commonly falls into a trap.
Pornography can become a drug that men use to find quick relief from their daily frustrations. The temptation to lust after erotic pictures of models seems easier than taking the time to build a real relationship with a woman. (Rob Eagar, from the Growthtrac.com article, “Fooled by Fantasy”)
• Pornography grossly distorts a man’s view of the way normal women approach sex and sexuality.
Counselors consistently report that when men indulge such a distorted view of women and their sexuality, they become dissatisfied with their own wives and sex lives. They tend to evaluate potential spouses based chiefly on physical attractiveness. Or they bring impossible expectations for sex into marriage. All of the above lead to sin and heartbreak. (Beth Spraul from the Capitolhillbaptist.org article “You’ve Got Lies”)
• There are three things you need to know about pornography.
(1) It’s addictive. Family counselor Gail Hoone said, “Pornography is more addictive than drugs, and thanks to the First Amendment, it’s getting bigger every day.” (2) It’s selfish. It trains you to see people as playthings to be played with, and all for one purpose —self-gratification. Intimacy, responsibility, and commitment are not even in the picture (or frame). (3) It’s shaming. Unlike the lepers in the Bible, pornography doesn’t ring a bell and cry, “Unclean! Unclean!”
Yet when you fall under its control, you find yourself responding to it in ways that leave you feeling cheapened and unclean. But there’s good news. Every leper who came to Jesus was cleansed; and through His blood you can be cleansed too! Furthermore, you can be empowered by His Spirit to cast down every imagination, and take every thought captive (2 Corinthians 10:5). (From the devotional, Word for You Today)
The Bible Tells Us:
• “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.” (1 Corinthians 6:18-20)
I hope all of this helps in some way. PLEASE get the help you need. The links to the web sites we recommend in the Pornography and Cybersex topic can even help wives, who need advice in what THEY can do.
Here is one of the sites though, that is secular, but it gives some of the scientific backing that it would be good for you to know:
May God bless you in your efforts to fight against this hijacking.
“And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ —to the glory and praise of God.” (Philippians 1:9-11)
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this blog.
Filed under: Pornography and Cybersex
(NOCITY) Since this presentation is completely one-sided, perhaps someone might interject that what is presented above is accurate and true, period. Some women haven’t a clue, when it comes to even helping the husband getting an erection, much less sharing intimately. The entire basis of sexual satisfaction between man and wife begins with building a relationship base on honesty, openness and intimacy.
Let’s just say for arguement, a wife hasn’t ever touched the husband outside the bedroom, or kissed the husband or shared intimate details about oneself with the partner. Shouldn’t that spouse that has no human contact, be entitled to some amount of pleasure? I am not proposing watching porn together, or oral sex, or anal sex or some type of perverted misrepresentation of what God intended for man and wife. This should raise up the hairs on the back of your neck suffciently.
As far as credentials, idiots and adulterers are not prevented from sharing the word of God to the public, nor are close-minded prevented from writing books, or articles about how pornography ruins a marriage. Careful how you respond, I could be an ordained Southern Baptist minister.
(USA) You sound about as inept as the ordained Southern Baptist minister that asked me what I did to force my ex-wife to have an affair. But you are right that just because we read something with or without credentials, that we take it as gospel. We are warned in scripture that many will fall for things that tickle their ears.
2 Tim 4:3-4 For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine; but wanting to have their ears tickled, they will accumulate for themselves teachers in accordance to their own desires, and will turn away their ears from the truth and will turn aside to myths.
What is the sound doctrine?
Matthew 5:28 but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
Porn likely falls into the category of looking at a woman with lust for her if the goal is to satisfy as you put it, “entitled to some amount of pleasure.” So I suggest you be careful what you suggest, for the following scripture may apply to you.
Ephesians 5:1-21
1 Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. 2 And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. 3 But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints. 4 Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving. 5 For you may be sure of this, that everyone who is sexually immoral or impure, or who is covetous (that is, an idolater), has no inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. 6 Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. 7 Therefore do not become partners with them; 8 for at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light 9 (for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true), 10 and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord. 11 Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. 12 For it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret. 13 But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, 14for anything that becomes visible is light. Therefore it says, “Awake, O sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.”
15 Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, 16 making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. 17 Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. 18 And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, 19 addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart, 20 giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, 21 submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.
I believe this and other scriptures warn us to both not listen to false teachers and not to be a false teacher for those who lead others astray will face severe punishment should they be involved in leading people into sin.
So I’d be careful about what I advocate. Any good SB minister would know the dangers of false teachings. After all, this former SB knows, so I’d expect a minister to know even more than I do.
(USA) I think Cindy’s article is certainly one-sided, but it’s by default because she’s a woman and can’t speak from the male perspective. That being said, Cindy is correct on every point as it relates to my experience. I’m guessing that she isn’t aware that naked pictures and some videos of a strip show are nothing compared to the pornography people watch on a regular basis; frankly, I envy her ignorance in that. I wish I didn’t have the track record I do.
I have to admit, however, that though no one has ever forced me to watch pornography, and I completely agree that I own my own decisions and their consequences, the Bible does still speak of not denying each other sexually lest the other spouse be tempted. I’m assuming that the temptation or fall that the Bible speaks of there is another man or woman, but I think pornography certainly fall sunder the same banner of sexual temptation and sin – right?
Anyway, I’ve often gone to pornography (while being married) for several reasons:
1) I’m horny but wife is not available
2) I’m horny but wife is not interested
3) I’m depressed and no one is around
4) I’m angry and no one is around
Please understand that for me, depression often begets anger which begets further depression. I often go to sleep with intense feelings of loneliness after being rejected by my wife. I go to work the next day feeling depressed, angry, and just generally a little off. Pornography fits into that somewhere pretty quickly. It’s definitely not my wife’s fault, but there’s certainly some connection there, too.
During those rare times when my wife and are are intimate often for a couple weeks, I can honestly say that pornography disappears from my life. Again – I think there’s a connection. I know for sure that with the Lord’s help I can have no pornography in my life whether or not my wife and I are intimate, but I also know that the Lord Himself speak to us in His word about the importance of that area in a married couple’s life.
Pornography is bringing down today’s Man. It changes my expectations of my wife and makes me feel too too guilty and dirty to be the effective leader of my home I want to be and my wife desperately longs for.
I’m not a Southern Baptist minister. I’m just a married guy in New York that regrets ever watching porn videos, wishes his wife was interested in sex, and generally wants to be the hero of his home.
(CGO) What about wife who longs to pleasure her husband but is denied and instead at night he watches porn? I feel rejected. I am here alone. He does not initiate anything. Sometimes I try; he rejects me saying he is not into the mood. I check the computer and he was on porn the night before. He is having a girlfriend calling him at home asking him to come. I check his phone they have been talking to each other every day.
I know I have to focus on Jesus but I am tired, sad and lonely. I don’t know who to talk to. He is not into counseling and stuff. I don’t want to look around. Pleeeeease God help me. We are barely speaking now. He gets angry because I told him about the girlfriends he has. No excuse from him, nothing. When I am in the mood I have to beg him for a kiss …a kiss can you imagine? I need help and comfort Lord Jesus, help me…
Poor reasons to follow Satan. That’s exactly what a person does each time they seek out pornography. You will be judged for following satan instead of our Lord, no matter what your self-centered reasons are for seeking out pornography. Your poor wife should ‘run’ not walk away from your toxicity.
Greetings in CHRIST’s name. I am 46 years old, and have never been married before; please pray that the LORD will help me to find a wife. Thanks, and amen.
I NEED HELP IN PRAYER FOR MY ADDICTIONS TO PORN AND THE BAGGAGE THAT IS IN MY LIFE DUE TO MY ADDICTION AND MY LONG LIFESTYLE OF LOOKING AT PORN AND NOT TAKING RESPOSIBLITY FOR MY ACTIONS. I HAVE HURT GOD MOST OF ALL AND I HAVE HURT PEOPLE THAT I HAVE KNOWN IN THE PAST. I NEED GOD TO DELIVER ME FROM THIS BAGGAGE OF LIES AND SIN. I EVEN TOLD A LADY THAT HER DAUGHTER’S CHILDREN WERE BAGGAGE TO A RELATIONSHIP AND TREATED THIS WOMAN AS IF HER FAMILY WAS BAGGAGE. LITTLE DID I KNOW THAT I HAVE THE MOST BAGGAGE OF ALL WITH THE ADDICTIONS IN MY LIFE WITH PORN AND PRESCRIPTION DRUG ABUSE. PLEASE HELP ME. I AM DESPERATE.
I posted a question a few days ago, no reply, let me try again. I have a friend who has been married for 20 years and her husband has had to work abroad for several months at a time, how do they keep connected intimately? They are believers and do not seek out unbiblical methods of satisfaction, It is a real problem that many are facing these days, can you give some advice please?
With today’s many forms of communication: email, Skype, texting, cellphone, there are many options. What we see used so often in inappropriate ways in our culture can also be used for appropriate ways. If I were in the situation of your friend and her husband, my wife and I would be having frequent, playful, sexy conversations, limited only by what we are each comfortable with doing when face-to-face. We would place no other restrictions upon our communication and our play other than that, because the Bible doesn’t really seem to place any limitations on intimacy between a husband and wife. We would want to ensure that our spare thoughts were consumed with thinking of each other, and not leave any room for wandering thoughts of others that could become inappropriate.
I agree with M’s comment. Here are a few additional articles that might help them too: https://marriagemissions.com/staying-connected-when-your-spouse-is-away/ – also – https://marriagemissions.com/when-hubbys-away/. Your friends may find them insightful, as they address many different ways of communicating, including sexual issues. I hope they help. :)