Have you ever found yourself caught up at some level by pornography and cybersex temptation? Or do you know of someone else who has this problem? Would you like to know more about Cybersex temptation so you can better combat the hold it can have? Consider the following questions:
• “Does the Internet attract and make sex addicts out of people who otherwise might not have been addicts?”
• “We tend to think of this as a male problem. Are women at risk, too?”
• “…Our culture abuses us sexually by bombarding us with unhealthy sexual images. As a recovering addict, how do you deal with that?”
•”What would you say to someone who knows he or she has a pornography problem?”
Above are just four of many questions that Jim Killam asked Dr. Mark Laaser (an expert in the field of Cybersex and its destructive pull). Jim interviewed Dr Laaser for an article titled “Cybersex Temptation,” which appeared in Marriage Partnership Magazine.
Pornography and Cybersex Temptation
The article also lists several sights that indicate you are “at risk for sex addiction.” And then it gives “warning signs your spouse may have a secret cybersex problem.” It then points out “what to do if you suspect you are a sex addict.”
Temptation is a hard task master. You need to do what you can to overcome its effects. It will pull at you continually and increasingly, and never let up if you don’t.
You will find Dr Laaser’s article among many that are available within this resource. We HIGHLY recommend you read it by going to the link on the subject of:
• PORNOGRAPHY AND SEXUAL ADDICTION
We want you to know that the above article has been included in a free electronic booklet (which you can read on line, and/or download), courtesy of the Baptist Network NW. You will gain much more important information by reading through this booklet. They have many more articles and info contained within it. We believe that reading through this booklet is SO worth the information you will gain. That’s why we hope you will read through it.
To read this free booklet, go to:
• URGENT CARE: Pornography and Sexual Addiction
– ALSO –
K. Jason Krafsky has written a few articles on this subject that you may benefit from reading. On this issue, we recommend you read:
• IS FACEBOOK A CYBER THREAT TO YOUR MARRIAGE
• HOW FACEBOOK CAN IMPROVE YOUR MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP
And then lastly, if you need help in reaching for “freedom in Christ” as it concerns pornography and the temptations that are continually trying to attach themselves to you, please visit the web sites in the Pornography and Cybersex Links and Recommended Resources topic. Glean through what we have there to see who could best help you in this area of your life.
May God help you and your loved one to find true freedom in Christ, and bless you abundantly!!!
Filed under: Pornography and Cybersex
(USA) To answer the questions set forth by this forum or discussion, our answers are as follows:
Q1. “Does the Internet attract and make sex addicts out of people who otherwise might not have been addicts?” A1. While we think it’s quiet evident there is most likely a precursor earlier on in life that might make one more susceptible to this addiction, the environmental influences certainly figure into the equation.
Q2. “We tend to think of this as a male problem. Are women at risk, too?” A2. Much like Domestic Violence it is not gender bias, sexual addiction are not either. For although they may not look at the same content or be drawn in by the same things, curiosity is certainly the same among women and men both and if not kept in check even the most innocent of things can lead to impure thoughts and spin off into the most damaging of things. Like all things moderation and discernment are key and critical in steering clear of pitfalls.
Q3.“…Our culture abuses us sexually by bombarding us with unhealthy sexual images. As a recovering addict, how do you deal with that?” A3. MOST DEFINITELY, it’s EVERYWHERE…and we go into that more in depth in our story and testimony.
Q4. “What would you say to someone who knows he or she has a pornography problem?” A4. Again, PLEASE READ our story and testimony.
Now, our hearts go out to you and please know that you’re in our prayers. Maybe our story and testimony will offer you and others some encouragement. Ours has been a journey that has taken us over a year to come to realize the true love and commitment we have for one another after many a prayer having been said by us both. James has battled a sex addiction for many years, even before I came into his life – and as such he partook in anything that would apply to that online, be it a number of dating sites, pornography, all the chat networks, email, text messaging and even having “friends” call him on the phone -which continued even after we got married.
For some, as was the case with James, it can start out as a low level sexual stimulant, as simple as say looking at an catalog, seeing it in a movie or even a provocative commercial on the TV. For in truth, you can see it at your local news stand and at eye level of children! It can be a person they call a “friend” and a lot of times it’s not something their partner lacks but what they feel they lack in themselves or on their own. For in truth, there can be a number of underlying factors that can trigger this kind of addiction. For James it was a result of many years of childhood abuse. He literally thought no one could or would ever truly love him. He was afraid of love, resented love and as such disconnected himself or disassociated himself from the situation entirely on a personal level to any degree as that applies to a truly monogamous commitment, as God intended.
This is not to say he didn’t have needs, because everyone does. He just sought to fulfill his needs in what he considered to be the safest way he could, that being on the internet. So, what started as a safe and intriguing curiosity or interest for him steadily turned into a deep-seated and volatile addiction. Like any addiction it got worse over time, requiring more and more stimulus to satisfy an ever growing need for more and more stimulation. It’s like a drug in that regard and if left unchecked it can lead to all kinds of problems that are hurtful to all parties involved. Sexual addiction is the worst kind of addiction, in our opinion, in that there are no support groups readily available in most communities to handle this growing problem. There’s no progressive program to deal with it, diagnose it or help someone recover from it. It’s ready available on the internet, in movies or on the TV; even in commercials. “Sex sells,” they say – and the devil is everywhere. That’s the truth of the matter.
Thus, we’re sorry to say, if your partner wants to partake in it, they will always find a way to do just that. It’s only by way of love and a sincere love for the Lord that you are able to conquer a problem such as this, because believe me we never could have done it on our own. I prayed many, many times, daily that James eyes would be open, by the Lord. I cried many a tear for the pain, sense of loss and betrayal I felt. I had no idea what was going on and I felt totally rejected and abandoned in the process. I could not understand why he could not love me as much as I obviously loved him. He said it, so why couldn’t his actions parallel that? That was the question that ate at me. That and “WHY?” I blamed myself and I started to really get a low self-esteem and personality complex about it.
James got a job in Hong Kong, a high level, executive position and we were off to a new country, where I thought we could start a new and fresh life free of any interference or distractions; especially from his friends, for James had stopped partaking in most of his online activities by then; even though, I naively didn’t know about what was taking place by then either. I just had a gnawing feeling and many suspicions.
Call it woman’s intuition, but, the truth always comes out in the end – just as it did in our situation. After all, it wasn’t as much a secret for James, as I thought. Truth is, he’d left it on the computer for me to find. kind of like a test you might say. Although I’d been abused and much worse than him, he tested me and our relationship to see if I truly loved him enough to stay and maybe even, quite possibly accept it. Not that that makes it right, but my love for him was unwavering.
I found the pornographic videos he’d downloaded from the Internet, when he went over to Hong Kong alone to interview for the position at his new job and I was devastated- and clearly did not accept it. But it didn’t stop there as one thing lead to another revelation I wasn’t prepared for, such as: the numerous dating sites he’d joined or the alternate email account he had. The lies he’d told since the beginning of our relationship were so many, he couldn’t begin to explain it all away. One lie virtually leading into the next,…”virtually,” – sorry, but no pun intended.
But, ALL OF THIS came at a price. James got very sick, being guilt ridden and overstressed at work as he work many hours and into the early mornings trying to build a new department. Without any apparent explanation his internal organs began to swell and he was hospitalized for 10 days in a foreign country – to our surprise, with no insurance as promised by his company that could be utilized there. I stayed by his side; even though my pride at times told me to leave.
The lies didn’t stop there. We returned home to the US for medical treatment on a medical leave of absence from his new job, just 5 months after our departure – and the lies continued. As he began to speak of the omissions he’d purposefully left out, I interpreted everything he had to say as lies too. Worse yet, his addiction had lead to an encounter with a married couple, before we met and we had to deal with the very real possibility that he might have fathered a child with the other woman. But thankfully that was not the case; although we both very much wanted to do the right thing, if that had turned out to be true. Thus, that being said, I was the next one to get seriously ill, after that.
James lost his job abroad and we were very much under spiritual attack and the situation got a whole lot worse, before it was ever got better. I almost left James on a few occasions as I interpreted everything he said to be an excuse. But the Lord obviously had a lot of work to do within me too to get me to listen and stop taking offense to everything that was being said. So, James’ prayers were obviously answered too. For if we could all truly strive to have a heart like His, wouldn’t the world be a better place? That’s not to say that forgiveness is a viable option for everyone and I’m sure God understands that too with him being the loving and compassionate Savior that He is.
True enough, James did hurt me and I had every right to be mad, hurt and feel violated: mind, body and soul, because I felt like I’d lost the soul mate that God had intended for me all along and a lot of time. I truly felt dead inside and void of all emotion as we both began to take anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication. But at least according to God’s love for us, James also had the right to fully understand his misdeeds and try to explain them to me; even after I’d discovered all the lies he initially told and the lies since.
So the long and short of it is there can’t be true recovery and a rebuilding process without accountability, responsibility and true remorse. One can not partake in sins of the past, bring it into their future if they want true happiness and a truly fulfilling relationship. What may seem to be an innocent, harmless or acceptable activity online can easily and quite quickly turn into a compulsion and addiction that can adversely affect every aspect of one’s life. After all, the internet is the devil’s playground, as he is always ready to try to come into our lives by any means necessary.
It’s like we were under attack, even after the biggest and most damaging revelations had been discovered, and probably at our most vulnerable point. The devil will not always use the most obvious things to enter into or manipulate our lives. But, he will attack us at our most vulnerable point – that much you can be sure of, and he will use any and everything he has to work with at his disposal.
James’ vulnerabilities, making him an easy target for attack: With James it was his fear of being unworthy of love and his fear of being hurt – so much so, that he couldn’t commit to anyone, let alone his own desire to have a meaningful relationship with another human being, after being so hurt by his abuser. For he had appointed himself protector over both himself and his mother and felt powerless to change anything given the situation of his father’s worsening mental illness and battle with Schizophrenia – and that’s a lot for any kid to take in. There was quite a bit of guilt associated with that and his obvious limitations, due to his young age and stature. Besides, it’s customary within any family unit that the father is to be the protector.
James always wanted to be a man of God. He always wanted to be a man of integrity. At one time he wanted to be a preacher and he wrote beautiful sermons, standing in for his pastor. (I know because I read them!) But later in life he suffered rejection at the hands of…for lack of a better word, “a former fiance” and an abuser who cheated on him and that made him feel very unsure of himself, making him question whether love is even a valid concept.
Tori’s vulnerabilities, making her an easy target: Whereas, with me it was my fear of being betrayed, unlovable (not good enough), or even unworthy of love, for I’d endured many years of abuse at the hands of almost everyone I knew. I’d endured abuse as a child and as an adult and in several different dynamics. I was abandoned and abused by my biological family with 5 sexual predators living in the same household as me. I went to foster care and was made a ward of the state, where I was violated yet again; then, only to be abused the third and ultimate time as child, by my adoptive family. I lost my children to an abuser and my life had been riddled with subsequent abusers ever since.
I felt like there was no end to it; even though, I remained faithful to God, was an acolyte in my church and taught Sunday school for preschool aged children. At one time, I even wanted to be a nun, thinking no one could ever love me like Him. Then, when God brought James into my life, I rejoiced at the opportunity and the wonderful gift He’d given me. I never for one second doubted James’ love for me, until that fateful day and after that doubted everything and questioned everything, up and until God helped me to see past my pain and into His promise for me.
Moral of the story being: Life is never easy and it’s not without it’s lessons and the devil always knows what he has to work with even if we don’t, even if we’re in denial or not prepared to see the portals that have been created for him to enter into our lives. But he also knows he is weak in the eyes of God and that makes him work even that much harder when people turn away from sin. So, don’t think you are free of his grips when you begin the recovery process. Work more diligently than ever and stay the course, relying on God to help see you through. Stay in the Word!
James is in counseling now and I am committed to standing by him in his efforts to overcome his sexual addiction and his tendency towards compulsive lying, which is a whole issue unto itself, as the compulsion to lie requires both compassion and understanding too. For it is not by way of condemnation that one is going to overcome it and there is a fine line between enabling a person and offering support. But much like repenting one’s sins, the compulsion to lie requires one to admit to it; thereto, striving to do it no more, much like repenting one’s sins to the Lord and you have to stand on a good foundation and stay in the Word of God to achieve this, remembering the scriptures like Phil 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” which applies to us both or anyone dealing with an issue such as this. For it is not by way of our own strength (or pride) that recovery is possible but only by way of God.
With God’s help, James has opened up to me a great deal and even a little more with each passing day. I’ve learned to listen with discernment, not being judgmental, but realizing we’ve got a long way to go to work through this process, as thereto God has been and will always be with me and us in this situation. For He is our only source of light through the darkness and whereas worldly counselors might fail, He will not. So, just like us, always turn to him and stay in the Word of God, living accord to the Word of God everyday. That’s why we would say, when facing a problem such as this, it’s not enough to go to church every time the doors are open. You like us, might consider making Bible study a part of your everyday life, because there is strength in the Word and it helps reinforce us, in knowing that every day is a battle (it’s spiritual warfare) and we need God to overcome this and all things.
It’s so important for anyone that is battling any kind of addiction that stresses their marriage, relationship, livelihood or otherwise to seek out the proper counseling or resources that it’s going to take to overcome this condition. We’ve all been given free will and it’s our responsibility to make choices that are beneficial to not only ourselves but our loved ones or those we take into our midst. Whereas, the devil’s only objective is to kill, steal and destroy. So, with God’s help this too we shall overcome and please know we’re praying for you all too, because quite honestly a lot of your stories brought us to tears and a lot of them offered us encouragement too. Where ever this journey takes you, we pray you arrive safe in the assurance of God’s love for you and we wish you peace, love and joy. Thanks for listening and God bless you! :D :D ~ Tori & James
(UNITED STATES) I have been with someone for 11 years and he is the only guy I have ever been with; he used to abuse me, now he verbally abuses me in front of my child. I am so stressed over the things he has put me through. It has been over 20 women he has slept with and the other day my child and I had to pick him up from a strip club. I’ve seen girls in my car, the woman that stays down the street from me, even in the same store I shop in. We don’t go out together but once every three months. I’m really making this story short but I can’t think straight anymore or stay focused on my job. I can’t interact with my child. I’m so stressed I pray and pray and pray. I met this guy and he is everything I could imagine and more but I don’t know how to accept someone like him because of all the things I have been through over the years. I just need help; I can’t cry anymore. There aren’t any tears left. The weight on my shoulders is so heavy I can’t sleep or eat; I’m so hurt and mad that I let this go so far.
(USA) Grace, you deserve so much more. Your boyfriend is NOT who you should be with. To help him the most, you have to leave -he is trapped and enslaved to his passions and emotions. As a man, I don’t know or understand why women stay with sexually abusive men -it really confuses me. Oh, how I wish I could persuade you to leave right now. Find a friend, your parents, anywhere else to live… and the farther away, the better. Your “boyfriend” needs help but you cannot help him.
There are 350 million people in the USA and you can find a man who will love you and treat you with respect. You deserve this. Now, you need to get healthy yourself. You need to be strong enough spiritually to be clear about your life and what God can do with you. Your child needs you to be healthy.
I’m praying for you and your child. I’m also praying for your boyfriend of 11 years -not that you two stay together, but that you both come to know God and learn to live the way God wants you to. If it is God’s will for you to be together AFTER you both turn to God and become much more healthy emotionally and spiritually, then I think that would be wonderful.
(IRELAND) Thank you…..
(UNITED STATES) My husband and I are Christians. When I ask why I should feel like I look okay or am anything good, he says “just because -I love you, you’re beautiful, you’re wonderful.” “Just because” and “I dont know” are often, he feels, him really answering my question or really giving meaning or explaination. But when I ask him how can he feel that way about me when he wants to see other women he says “It has nothing to do with the way women look. In general women are beautiful, but I’m looking for sex -I don’t care if they are pretty.” I have a LOT of physical flaws. So I asked him, well, but the women in porn are prettier than me, arent they? He didn’t want to answer but finally said “well, yeah, but I don’t care. You’re pretty enough. You’re pretty. They’re not better than you.”
So this is my question he cannot answer -he always says he doesn’t know and hates himself and is disgusted with himself, etc., but he can’t tell me why if he tells me he is “satisfied with me, our sex is better, it’s nothing about me, I’m pretty enough, even says “I want you more than anything in the world.” Does he want to see porn where other women who are prettier than me have sex? I’ve always had bad self esteem and thought when we dated I finally found someone who would accept me as I am and not want anybody else, and even discussed with him before we married that the one thing I couldn’t deal with, would be pornography, because it would just crush me. He told me a friend had shown him some websites when he was 15, but that he would never do that to me.
Well, after dating three years, and 5 months of marriage, I was a few months pregnant and found out he was looking at porn late at night on the computer when I would ask him to come to bed. I was not witholding sex or anything, but he said he “didn’t feel like he was good at sex.” That started our ten year struggle in our marriage. He had betrayed me for very selfish reasons, and now I’m no where with answers. This is my question. If women in porn look better than your wife, why would you want to be with her, and how could you EVER see her as pretty or say that you don’t care that those gorgeous women are more beautiful than your wife, if you’re going to look at them have sex? How could I ever be attractive after he has seen these gorgeous young girls???
We have a 8 year old, four year old, and four month old, and my mother keeps telling me I have to build my marriage, not tear it apart but I feel like he made the conscious effort to tear it apart, not me, and I just have no hope of ever feeling like anybody. I felt like a loser and he confirmed I’m a loser, nobody is interested in being with exclusively. He tells me he’s so sorry and loves me forever and is not leaving me, I would have to leave him. But how can we grow old together or how can him saying I love you, mean anything after all the hiding and lies? I just feel like we are nobody, that the relationship is a joke, because we are a joke -because I don’t look like those beautiful ladies everybody wants to be with, including my own husband (or at least watch what they do as he claims).
I really just want to kill myself I hate myself so much, but I don’t because I was taught suicide is a sin. That’s the only reason I feel sometimes, that I don’t. I’m afraid I may end up in hell, but I can’t imagine how I’m ever going to feel like anybody. I love him, and he says he loves me, but it’s like we’re not good enough. We don’t matter. People like that are beautiful and everybody wants them and nobody wants me, really. He says he does, but then why would he want to see them too if he didn’t care about them more than me, more than my self respect or esteem or dignity? He says he cared about my feelings, he just put them aside and was selfish. I don’t think that is caring for my feelings. If you can put them aside and exactly –selfish is what you want –which is them, not me. Please help me understand. I want to be happy and okay and don’t know how. I wish it never happened. I don’t feel it’s fixable.
(USA) Oh Lindsey, I am so sorry you are going through this. As a man, I can tell you that what your husband is doing, although wrong before God and is a sin against you. I can say with confidence that it has nothing to do with your adequacy, your attractiveness, nor your ability to be all your husband needs in a woman. You are all he needs. However none of us can fully satisfy another person. Only God can do that. I’m praying for you and your husband.
The solution it pretty easy. Get rid of the internet, tv, and any smart devices.