It’s quite common for couples to ask my opinion on whether or not they are Biblically free to use pornography. They want to use it to help them get ready for sex. Or it could be that they want to use it to enhance their lovemaking.
I have 3 thoughts concerning the pornography issue:
1. The average female porn star retires at the age of 27. And the average male porn star retires at 32. The reason is that the porn industry sees the human body as being at its physical peak between the ages of 18 and 27 for females. It is 21-32 for males. The person in that video will never grow a day older or lose that “perfection.” Yet your wife or husband will.
Here’s the warning:
If you choose to use pornography as a means to sexually arouse yourself, you are forfeiting the ability to become aroused by your spouse. Over time, it will become more and more difficult to be sexually aroused by your life-mate. That is because he or she will age while the porn star remains youthful. Losing the ability to be sexually aroused by your spouse is a very bad thing. Not only are you putting yourself at risk for the temptation of an affair, but you are killing what should be a beautiful thing between you and your spouse.
Furthermore, which is really the better body? Is it the one whose breasts nursed your children? The body that held you close when you were scared or sad? Or is it the body that sleeps by your side at night? The world might see the young porn star’s body as being the best. But which is really the best? Why would you want to give up the ability to be aroused by the best?
Secondly, Concerning Pornography:
2. The use of pornography will inevitably destroy the self esteem of your spouse. Porn stars are selected because they are not normal.
As your spouse is constantly exposed to the “perfection” of the people having sex in the video, he or she usually begins to feel ugly, inadequate and unwanted. It becomes painfully obvious to each spouse in time that a substitute is required to sexually excite his/her spouse.
Can you see how that would destroy self esteem? And trust me, it doesn’t get better with time. It only gets worse as each of you experience the normal aging process. Yet, at the same time, watching porn stars who are always young.
3. If you are using another person —even a picture of another person —to sexually excite and arouse yourself, you are committing adultery according to Jesus.
Jesus said, “You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.“ (Matthew 5:27-28)
I certainly don’t want to judge another person. Nor do I want to involve myself in another’s sex life. You are obviously free to do as you choose. Yet I feel that it is important for you to have all the facts and viewpoints at your access.
This question has been asked so often by couples around the world that we felt it necessary to provide an answer here as a resource for individuals who want to please God in every area of their lives and to act in the best interest of their marriage and spouse.
This article is written by Joe Beam. Joe founded one of the largest marriage organizations in America. More than 100,000 people have enrolled in courses, workshops, and seminars he designed and developed. Additionally, Joe Beam has written several books, magazine articles, online articles, courses, seminars, and workshops both for the corporate world and the public. He founded LovePath International and serves as its President. For seminar and resource information, Joe can be contacted at Marriagehelper.com.
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Filed under: Pornography and Cybersex
50 responses to “Pornography In Marriage”
(USA) I caught my husband in several lies that led to the truth about his cheating with two different prostitutes or at least that’s all he has told me about. We’ve been married only 10 months and have been together a total of 4 years. After a couple of days apart for soul searching; he has come to conclusion that porn led him to wanting more graphic-type sex and that has an addiction to porn. He has said he will go see a therapist, give me all access to his computer, phone and checking account. And that he wants our marriage to survive and be happy again. All great things to hear.
However, during his confession of the ‘affairs’ he said two things that bother me the most. Or make it 3… 1. He said that he didn’t think he was truly having an ‘affair’ because he wasn’t looking for an emotional connection with these women. 2. He enjoyed the first experience very much so he made an appointment with another one that wasn’t very good. 3. Since I ‘caught’ him I have saved him and that’s why he stopped. If I hadn’t found out he would probably still be doing it.
So that’s my story. We are less than a week into all of this discovery and I’m pretty numb right now. I can say I thought we had the perfect relationship in terms of every aspect…intimacy was very frequent and pleasurable and we never argue about anything. I know so cliche’ to say.
(USA) Been struggling with porn for most of my life. I’m in my 30’s, been married for more then ten years, have beautiful kids with my wife. I’ve been with her since our teen years. She has known I’ve struggled with porn. Because of porn in my life it led to premarital sex and it was hard for us to cope with being in sin. Anyhow, thats just a little insight on us.
I’ve gone months at a time without viewing porn to know that I’m sinning against God 1st and foremost, then realizing I’m cheating on my wife. My heart breaks and I’m always crying out to God for deliverance and strength. For the last year it has been bad with being able to get porn for free online and ways of hiding it. But now I am dying because my wife has revealed that for the last month or so she has been watching porn on her iPhone.
I couldn’t be a Godly man I should have been to protect my home I’m scared because the fight I’ve been fighting my whole life now got a hold of my dear and loving wife. She says that’s why she hasn’t been intimate with me a couple of times in this time frame because of the porn she said she saw on YouTube. I think it’s more than just YouTube. I don’t think she’s strong enough to handle this. I’m praying God deliver us both. I don’t want her to experience the pain and shamefulness that goes along with porn addiction but it’s too late. I know that.
(USA) Please excuse the length of my comment. This is the first time I’ve ever done this and want you to know all the facts. I looked for chat boards this morning because this is an issue in our house and I am not only hurt but torn. I spent my entire life being involved in different areas of my local church as well as in the music ministry, not because of tradition, but because I truly love God and His presence I feel… for me, nothing compares.
At the young age of 20, I married someone who I had only known for one year and it was long distance at that. He and his three brothers had been raised in church as well, mainly by his mother since his dad did not attend. Several times before the wedding, I thought of calling it off but then chalked it up to pre-wedding jitters and also didn’t want to hurt his feeling, so I went through with it. It’s not been an easy marriage. We were always arguing and within the first year or so of marriage, I had a one time affair. It’s complicated… I would never in a million years thought it would happen to me, but a guy at work pursued me often and one morning he was behind me in traffic, my car began to overheat and I pulled into a gas station. He, seeing I had a smoking car, offered to give me a ride home. I had a sick feeling that if he did, something would happen. I said NO then called my husband to come pk me up. He said he was too tired (worked nite shift) and asked that I try to find a different way home. I begged him but to no avail. The guy then gave me a ride home then said his pager was going off and needed to return a phone call.
Sadly I allowed him to enter our apt to return the call but once there, he advanced on me and my fears were confirmed. It could have been rape but I had been attracted to him already being that me and my new husband never got along and he had shown an interest in me. I believe it was a one time thing. It went against EVERYThInG I believe and I was appalled and angry that I had let my guard down. I immediately went to my husband apologetically and confessed and even offered to leave the marriage because of my offense. He said no.
We lasted years after that incident and went on to have several miscarriages and finally two children. At some point years ago, he stopped attending church. I recently found porn on our computer on a whim after hearing something my husband said to my child. Sure enough, our computer was saturated with porn. I was completely devastated. I already suffer from low self esteem and did not need this blow. I eventually confronted him to which he initially plead the 5th but then quickly and proudly owned up to it and boasted that it has been occurring for many, many years. It’s possible that he’s even frequented strip clubs and xxx stores, but I don’t really want to know.
I gave him the choice between me or the porn, he chose porn. Though 19 years ago he said he he forgave me for my wrong, he now blames that one incident for his actions saying that be has never literally cheated on me. I’ve remained with him out of our vow made before God. Otherwise, he’s a nice guy, but I can’t do this. I’m very active in our church and take my boys faithfully. Last nite I found tons more on his phone and again was hurt. He has no plan to quit viewing this stuff, yet he wants to continue the relationship. Though God’s love is unconditional, I am not God… How do I do it?
(UNITED STATES) I will be praying everything work out for you guys.
(INDIA) Yes , actualy I got addicted to porn when I was 14; I’m 19 but now but I’m not addicted. I went to a psychologist and he gave me advice and said porn is not the life we’re meant for.
(JAPAN) Oh I have had many experiences with many guys too and I am married again now. I am ashamed but it’s true and my daughter follows as I asked her. We’re good in saying but not good in doing.
(SINGAPORE) It’s an eye opener for me to read all your stories. I believe every woman experiences it. My husband always watches porn. He even saves some of the videos in his phone. We seldom have intimacy time. When I ask for time for some romance, he will give this excuse ‘sorry dear, I’m tired.’ ‘Been busy at work’ & ‘not now’ or, “Later, our kids will be awake and hear us.’
I find all this excuses is stupid. He is simply ignoring my desire. We have been married for almost 6 years but our intimacy can be counted. He always sleeps late. At first I thought he slept late due to watchings TV or maybe playing PS3 but after I caught him watching porn on my laptop. It at tears me. It hurts me so much cause he has promised not to watch it again. Help me!! I am so devastated to see my marriage becoming more boring. We have no life at all.
What about women who don’t deny sex and who love sex but he still wants porn? It hurts very badly. I think this article is geared toward those men who want both and who insist on both. Women love sex. Women who are blatantly deny sex have other issues that are preventing them from being intimate that need to be explored.
I do think that both spouses need to share intimacy with each other, but I think the women who just outright deny sex is not what this article is talking about. I know many women like myself who absolutely love sex, but my husband says he wants both and that I have no right to feel hurt by him wanting both. It is important for both people in a marriage to be very open with their fears and needs.
And if a man just turns to porn without discussing his needs and how she can help him, then that is not fair. How can she know if she’s not told? But for the men who want both, I am a perfect example of how he was criticizing my looks (expected me to look and do what was in porn) and he was not satisfied with me because I was not porn. I felt like I couldn’t be myself because i can’t look anything like a woman in porn.
I’m a guy and I know how hard it is to struggle with porn. It’s basically another form of getting high when you’re feeling like crap about yourself and your life. No man actually enjoys watching it. We do it as response to low self esteem and low confidence about ourselves. When a guy is feeling confident he will detest porn and run from it.
This one sided treatment is a gerrymandering of the issue. Other things about porn may include: Sexual education for couple on mechanics, spice and variety. Release of pressure for a defrauded spouse in order to keep the marriage in tact and avoid abandonment. A wife could learn what pleases her man by observing those who do it for a living. Thus affair proofing her own marriage. As preparation to build passion for a low libido spouse.
It’s most certainly true that the vast majority of erotic material is used for sin, but not every use is the same. An honest treatment rather than a prejudicial one is required in order to avoid violating the command to not bear a false witness.
Deposed, I couldn’t disagree with you more on your premise that porn can be educational or helpful in any way when it comes to learning how to make love to your wife …and I speak from experience. As a man who became addicted to porn at the age of 13 and battled that addiction for more than 30 years (many of those after I became a Christian), at NO time can I say that porn ever “helped” me in my love-making. What it did is drag down my libido for my wife, distorted my image of her as I made unfair comparisons of her against air-brushed images of women. In short, it nearly ruined our sex life, and had God not help deliver me from my addiction, it could have destroyed our marriage.
Now, I will admit that for a time it can create the illusion of being helpful, but that is just the hook that Satan uses to draw you deeper into your dependence on porn to “perform.”
Deposed, please don’t go on with your delusion that porn (in any form) is okay for you alone or in your bedroom to “spice things up.” Anytime you bring another person into your bedroom (air-brushed or other wise) it is adultery. Jesus said in Matthew 5:28, “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” When you bring in the image of any other woman or man into your bedroom it is a sin against God and a sin against your marriage.
You came to our web site “looking” for something, I think, to justify your behavior. And I hope you’ll listen to the voice of experience and turn from this behavior NOW. You can find a number of resources to help you by going into the Links and Resources in the Pornography and Cybersex section you were in before. I’d also recommend you read the article, “How Pornography Hurts Intimacy in Marriage.”
Don’t keep lying to yourself. To continue with this behavior will ultimately lead to hurting your relationship with your wife; and if you are a Christ-follower you will never have true intimacy with God as He will not tolerate or wink at this.
Sorry about your issues, but they are your issues. I have little doubt that many would resonate with you, but it may be that your experience is not as universal as you imagine. Your line of reasoning is much like those heard about guns. Guns kill, guns bad; when I was a kid I a gun was used to hurt someone I knew. There is no good use for guns… anyone who supports guns is just trying to justify thier sin.
BTW- your ad hominem is prima facie of a position for which reason and logic have failed to persude, thus turn the discussion to the person away from an untennible position.
Deposed, I’m afraid you’ve tried very hard to justify your unhealthy lust for women but I hope no one else believes what you’re espousing. I know from experience how porn devastates a wife and causes nothing but pain for everyone involved. It may begin rather benignly but soon you will begin to use it secretly and desire more and harder core. Don’t just believe me. Read what other wives who have been through this hell have posted.
My wonderful hardworking husband who everyone loved became an addict to porn about 20 years ago (we have been married 35 years). I only found out about it a year ago. I NEVER turned down his advances before that or afterward but the problem was, there never were advances after he became obsessed with internet porn. I worked full time and kept myself in good shape but I couldn’t compete with those young girls. I didn’t know what was wrong and I used to beg him to tell me. He never did.
I found out myself. The love of my life, my soul mate, the father of my children wanted sex with someone else. Now I have not only lost my joy about what lies ahead in life, I’ve also lost my past. I cannot look back fondly at episodes in our life because I wonder who he was thinking about then. When he would hear a favorite love song, which of his “hotties” would he envision? When he dreamed, who would it be about? I thought he loved me even though we weren’t intimate–I chocked it up to low T. I could live with that. Now that I know what it really was, I cannot overcome the heartache.
I could go on but I think you get the picture. PLEASE any guy out there –Don’t think that porn is harmless. That’s a lie from hell. It only destroys.
From the time I was courting him till now he watches porn and naked women. I asked him about it when courting and he said it will stop. After I got married he used to watch it. It was painful. You are right when you say it brings down our self esteem. I don’t worry about myself anymore. I know putting on a lot of weight is the cause of this. I hate myself and feel too ugly.
There’s no love in this marriage. He doesn’t consider how I feel. I feel broken and in much pain. I built up anger because of what’s happening. Everywhere we go it’s about looking at women. It hurts so bad. He gets angry when I want to talk about it and says I’m a devil. I’m married fout years and have regrets. With this pain I feel like leaving. I can cry in front of him, and he feels nothing. I’m so negative about myself after this.
Sue dear, you deserve more than this! Life is precious and you are precious and you must not let this man destroy your life by making you feel inadequate in any way. He has the problem. It sounds like he is truly sick. Don’t think it is about you. If he had married any other woman it would have been the same. You probably should go away to some safe place to heal (maybe your family) and he will perhaps realize what he has done and want to change. You are in a toxic environment that will not change until you do something about it.
You are important; you are capable of great things. Don’t let ANYONE convince you otherwise. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!
I would like to submit a poem I wrote:
MARRIAGE and PORNOGRAPHY
The two became one, “let no man put asunder”
How blessed we were! Children added to the wonder.
A home full of love, promise, respect
A sanctuary from evil, sadness, neglect.
Who knew this heaven would be turned upside down
Damaged, deflated, brought down to the ground
By an image, a fantasy, something unreal
Unable to love you but able to steal
Your heart away from the one who could
Offer true passion, true intimacy if only you would.
Be true to yourself and put the lies behind.
In all your delusion, you have become blind
To all you are losing and the wounds that won’t heal
Because of this obsession you have tried to conceal.
My husband watches porn …so I think it’s commiting adultery …hes dads it’s not…so the question is …is watching porn commiting adultety?
What if it is not the pictures but rather the story or theme of the video or movie? I am very much in love with my wife and have truthfully never wanted another woman in my bed or my arms. She is very beautiful…and that will never change