Reconciling with a Wife Who Has Hardened Her Heart

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466 responses to “Reconciling with a Wife Who Has Hardened Her Heart”

1. Hello my name is Jesse and me and my wife have been married for 8 years. We have two young children. She has recently filed for divorce wants it over quickly. We do attend church every Sunday including Bible class. In the past we attended marriage counseling that was not much help. We seemed to argue more. And it created more hurt and pain. She has said over the years she now has a hardened heart. We have individually and together have seen our pastor recently. I believe in hope for us and she says I need not to worry about her. Her actions and comments go in both directions for example, “act like someone I would want to be with”. She told me she bought me new knives for my apartment because she says she cares about me. I feel really confused by it. Then on the other hand she says” I don’t love you” and “I frustrate her so much and never will be married to me again.”

   I have been doing the Love Dare and she really has not had much response. I have told her I married her for better or worse. And she says I’m saving myself from you. She now is saying I have never loved her and negative things along those lines about my feelings to her. I have had a drinking problem for the past few years and have quit since the new year. And still going strong with the help of God. We have had an up and down relationship like most couples do. We have been down the alcohol road before but this time has been the longest time of sobriety. Our children attend Lutheran schools but we are a Sunday family. I recently dove into the Bible with the pastor’s help and now it seems so easy to fix the problem and according to her it’s me and her not so much. Please help.

   Reply

   1. Dear Jesse, I am going to tell you one thing, your post is one that stopped me in my tracks. Such posts like yours are very painful to read and reply. Anyway, my friend, after much pondering I am going to attempt a very brief reply.

      It is bad enough for a wife or husband to say to their other half that they do not love them anymore, but when a wife, as in your case, says that they have hardened their heart over the years, this is an extremely big statement to make. It’s seriously concerning. You have been married for eight years. How many of these years has her heart been hardening and when did it begin and why did it even begin? You see Jesse, these are the very important questions we need to also have answers to in your situation. But I believe you have the answers to many of these questions already.

      The reason why I say you need to know all this is so you can properly address the matter of your wife loving you again in prayer. Yes, Jesse, the best way to address your situation now is in prayer to God to touch the heart and the mind of your wife and soften it, to cause a change of her heart and turn it around back to you, back to her marriage, back to loving you. And what is required here is a fasting prayer or a fast and prayer if you want to say it that way. And it will be very good to get prayer intercessors to join you in this, some people to stand with you strongly in prayer specifically for your wife and marriage.

      You seem to have a good pastor and are based in good Bible based Jesus believing church, I hope. It is the touch of Jesus that is required on the heart of your wife. And when you pray, please pray with all hope and believing that you will get your wife back. Do not give up yet. It is very well that you have great hope for your marriage and wife. I stand with you in that hope. When the time, if ever, comes to let go of the hope and let her go, you will know, and maybe then you let go of your hope of her. But one thing I want to tell you is that never let go of your hope as long as you have it in you, just keep praying over the whole situation and seek the Lord for guidance and directions.

      Your wife has already filed for divorce and wants it done and over with quickly. That is a very brisk move after eight years of marriage and two young children. Marriage counselling hasn’t helped in your situation too. Unfortunately, this is all the qualities (signs) of a hardened heart, and I maintain my advice above to address this situation. Also pray to the Lord to stop the divorce.

      On the issue of you being confused by her buying you knives and saying she cares about you and also maintaining that she doesn’t love you anymore, don’t spend much time being confused by this anymore. Jesse, of course she will do that because somehow she will always care somewhat about you on the basis that you have been married for eight years and have two children. It is expected and natural. Let us keep our focus on prayer on restoration of the marriage. It is critical at this stage of your marriage not to get distracted by any type of confusion.

      And, you mentioned about your alcohol problems in the past. Alcohol and marriage are never two things, which can be mixed together. Never go back to alcohol again Jesse. Alcoholism destroys marriages. Keep up your great work on maintaining sobriety.

      I am so glad that through the Bible you have now found the solutions to the problems in your marriage. What a great thing that is to hear. Now my dear friend, let us pray to get the opportunity to fix the problem, that is the great opportunity we need now that we have the solutions to your problems in your marriage. We need the opportunity to fix the problems.

      And as you pray over your wife, continue to show her love and that you are a changed man now sober permanently. And as you interact if you get the chance to implement some of the solutions to the problems in your marriage, then do so without hesitation. Show that you can both keep your marriage and that it is worth it. I stand with you in prayer Jesse. All the best.

      Reply

2. My wife and I have been together for along time. Married 6 years with 3 kids. We have been separated for 2 years because of the restraining order against me. I haven’t seen our kids and recently last year my wife said don’t give up on us, we can get through this. Then a week before Valentine’s Day she asked what I was doing and wanted to get together, but changed her mind and then said I don’t want to be with you anymore. I found out she committed adultery 2 times.

   I really love her and she told my therapist a while back she loves me. Does she really not want to be with me anymore or is it because of the restraining order on me until April 2016? All my faith is gone. Please tell me there is hope for our marriage. I want us to go to Marriage Counseling. What do I do? I am depressed and sad and angry. And it’s my fault.

   Reply

   1. Dear Samuel, How are you doing? I hope I find you somehow doing fine even though you are going through such a difficult time. You say you and your wife have been separated for two years because of a restraining order against you for two years. That is a very major restraining order you have on you. Separation from a wife for so long is not a good thing at all and yes it can cause married people to end up committing adultery unfortunately. You say your wife has done this twice.

      You say your wife called you a week before Valentines Day to ask you to be together then later on changed her mind and said she doesn’t want to be with you anymore. Previously about a year before she had told you not give up on her and that both of you could work through this difficult time and I presume keep your marriage. She also told your therapist that she still loves you sometime back. I hope I got the facts you stated right.

      So Samuel, your questions on whether your wife really doesn’t want to be with you anymore? Samuel, over the course of these two years you and your wife have been separated she has given you mixed messages about her love for you. This is probably due to her confusion over the whole marriage between you two and this confusion is aggressively worsened by the fact that you two have been separated for the past two years. And let me tell you now Samuel, when a woman is confused over love, this is a very testing time for a woman in which any irrational decisions can be easily taken by the woman. In such moments, a woman can walk away or stay in a marriage or relationship so easily, whether it is right or wrong.

      So now, my advice to you as you have a wife whom you love who seems to be confused over her love and marriage with you is as follows. Firstly, as it stands, do not give up hope over your marriage at all. Do not even lose an ounce of your hope over your wife and marriage. The reason being that you two have been separated for two years and we don’t have any clarity as to where actually your wife stands over you two being together. What you need to do since you cannot see her until April 2016, is to try your best to form a very good relationship with her over the phone whichever way she states she wants it to be, but push to keep a good marriage relationship over the phone. Laugh with her, tell her you love her, ask her how she is, ask about the kids, talk about TV programs she likes to watch etc. The best you can do to keep your relationship going over the phone. You need to keep this going until you can meet her when the restraining order gets taken off.

      Now, when you can meet her after all this time, this is the very determining time to know where you two really stand in your marriage. I know you love her. I also know she has said she doesn’t want to be with you but also once said not to give up on your relationship etc. When you begin to meet her face to face, you shall find your answer then whether she really still loves you or not. Make sure you love her and treat her so good as a wife. Do all the best you can to be the best husband and person you can be to her. The fact that you now are meeting up and seeing each other is greatly going to remove the confusion she has over whether to be with you or not, and this is very important. It’s very important because once the confusion is eliminated the truth of her heart will come out. You will then hopefully truly get the answer as to whether she loves you or not. It’s my prayer that she still loves you and will always love you. I hope it works out for the best to keep your marriage between you two.

      Now Samuel, when it comes to a marriage, please try and not take much notice of what your wife might be saying about her love and your marriage over the phone if it’s especially negative things like saying she doesn’t want to be with you anymore. You two need to meet up and have a face to face discussions and talks about your marriage and love. Over the phone anything can be said without thinking or much consideration, so I encourage you not to listen much to the rejection over the phone. Let you two meet up and talk things out and if she insists then when you’re facing each other that she doesn’t want to be with you anymore, then it’s a very unfortunate thing and maybe then you might have to accept it.

      To add on, back to the fact that she called you a week before Valentines to meet up and then changed her mind not to meet you. Don’t worry much about that, something, probably much confusing thoughts, must have caused her to change her mind. She hasn’t met you in a long time so she has all sorts of thoughts. You Samuel, just need to show her that you love her, just show her love and hopefully she will realise that she actually loves you and wants to be with you. You have a six year marriage and three children. I pray it works out for you two.

      And yes Samuel it is important that you and your wife go for marriage counselling the soonest time possible. It’s necessary for your marriage especially considering the fact you two have been separated for two years in which your wife cheated on you two times. if you do get back together I hope that there shall never be any infidelity between you two ever and that the reason your wife ended up cheating is because you two have been separated for two years so it is something she would never do again when you are back together.

      I also understand you feel sad, angry and depressed and that this is all your fault. As to that, Samuel you feeling sad and depressed will never help your marriage or the restoration of your marriage. If your wife comes back to find you sad and depressed, this can cause her to leave you. You have to keep it together as bad as it is. Your wife needs to find in you a husband ready for a lifetime of marriage. Don’t give her doubts and cause her to leave by seeing you sad and depressed.
      Also you say you feel angry and that this your fault. Samuel, we all make mistakes in life and can even hurt those we should love the most. When this happens and you realise your mistakes and faults, the best you can do is to sincerely apologise to those whom you have hurt and also correct your faults. Hopefully, those whom you have wronged will forgive you and see the changes you’ve made to correct your faults. When this is done hopefully the people you have wronged will be able to move on with you in life and all of you forget the past painful events. You can only improve your ways in life, you cannot stay angry at yourself and always blame yourself for a past wrong. It was a mistake, just correct the mistake and your ways the best you can. And whatever people might decide about you whether to stay with you or not, please don’t hold anger to yourself because of it and find blame in yourself forever; just keep moving forward a changed and better person.

      Finally, Samuel, I hope you’re a praying man and that you’re going to a Bible based Jesus believing church. You really need to do that in life. I also of the greatest importance want you to take time and read 1 Samuel 30 in the Bible. Study that chapter. Read the Bible. The Bible, Jesus, is what is to help you through this very difficult time you are going through at the moment. Thank you Samuel, all the best in the saving and restoration and reconciliation of your marriage.

      Reply

3. I believe that God will make it work for me and my wife to be together, although she is into a different world. I cannot give account of her actions, neither can she. But God knows. We’re coming a long way. I made things difficult for her and had no idea that I was hurting her. She made her choice. I was hurt but didn’t try to hold her back. God knows if she is for me and if so, surely nothing will stop her. All my faithfulness is with her. I believe that God has it in control. I pray too that it will in Christ Jesus name, amen. She is my first real true love. She is adorable, fantastic, gorgeous, beautiful, and Attractive. She is magnificent in all the good ways God blessed her with.

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4. After 33yrs, my wife told me 3 weeks ago that she was leaving me. She has agreed to marriage counseling. We’ve had one session and our next session isn’t until next week, 3 weeks later. We’ve had several talks and for some reason I get the feeling her mind is made up and no matter what I say or do, she is going to move out.

   We are both to blame but more myself because I have a 2nd job and I’m gone a lot. She kept telling me she was lonely and missed me. There isn’t anyone else in the picture, thank GOD! She told me, “I love you but I’m not in love with you.” The death sentence.

   I’ve been doing everything I can to show her what she means to me and asked her what I can do because I don’t want to lose her. She means the world to me; I can’t believe I didn’t see all the warning signs leading up to this. I was blind because when I leave for work, she’s asleep, when I got home, she was asleep.

   In the last 3 weeks, I’ve lost over 10 lbs., can’t sleep, can’t eat, and my heart is broken. Our next counseling session is next week. I’m going to ask if we can meet weekly. The reason our sessions are so far apart right now, 1) the counselor had no openings the week after we met, 2) my wife went out of State for a company meeting. Therefore, its taken 3 weeks to see the counselor again. It seems like she isn’t responding to all the things I’ve tried to do.

   I should also say, she hasn’t moved out yet. She did start sleeping in another bedroom last month because she had pneumonia (lots of coughing) and broke her foot. I’ve read The 5 Languages of Love book and I’ve been speaking her love language, Quality Time. I’ve also been giving her Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service. She has told me she didn’t want me to pressure her for any Physical Touch just yet. But I do give her lots of hugs and small kisses.

   I think she is trying to make me mad but not responding so that she can say she tried but I knew you couldn’t keep being nice. She has told me over and over again, “Let’s take it one day at a time and not rush it.”

   I appreciate any input!

   Reply

   1. Dear Wayne, Okay, I hear your story. I will get straight to the point of making a few suggestions. Wayne, I think you have realised it already but I am going to say it anyway: time with your spouse is a very crucial important thing. It is one of the most important requirements of a marriage. So, really we are caught up in a situation in which your marriage has suffered a great deficiency of spending time together. And it seems that this has happened over a number of years. Now, we may be facing a very hefty price to pay as this has affected your marriage. Okay, you were working two jobs, trying to provide. Understandable. You say you both have started counselling and you have had a significant gap in the counselling sessions partly to your wife working out of state. THIS IS WHAT I’M GOING TO MOAN ABOUT IN A FEW WORDS.

      Firstly, the thing we need to address in your marriage is strictly now making sure that you two make time for each other. Wayne, it is time that both of you make some serious cutting out of things that take time away from you two. This is now a must do. The lack of time together has caused such a negative impact on your marriage, and to my astonishment you two are continuing to not find adequate time for your marriage. I mean, lack of time has caused the counselling sessions to be far apart, and I suppose you, Wayne, still are much out working and also it seems that your wife is too, at the moment, taking much time for work cause she had to go out of state for work reasons. At such a point that your marriage is at Wayne, there has to be some aggressive changes as best as you can to find and spend time together with your wife. It is one of the crucial ways required to fix your marriage. Sit down with your wife and arrange amicable ways to cut things out and spend more time together for the purposes of your marriage and relationship. This has to be done immediately. Go for your counselling sessions promptly and in a much better organised time with the sessions closer together as much as possible or as necessary.

      We need to fix your marriage and that is the most important priority right now. You see Wayne, I know we have bills and expenses but please find a balance which gives you and your wife time to spend together. Unfortunately, some marriages suffer breakdowns because people spend most of their time working trying to build on worldly things all to come to a nought because then after a while at some point, marriages are lost. You need to immediately fully address the issue of time together now in your marriage.

      Secondly, after 33 years of marriage, I think it is vital that you and your wife go for two things which is marriage courses and marriage retreats. I think it is good that both of you get back to the teaching and reminding of what is a marriage and all the aspects that it involves; and also attend some marriage retreats where you can meet other couples in their marriages who can refresh and bring back the meaning of marriage back to you and your wife. Some marriage retreats also offer offer marriage courses / classes together in one package so look into that. I would really encourage you to choose Bible based Jesus believing courses and retreats, that is very important.

      Thirdly, I come to this point that your wife has been sleeping in her own room after she got ill. Isolating herself because of the pneumonia or some sickness which requires isolation is understandable and right. But I get the impression that your wife is now healed of the pneumonia but has just continued to sleep in a separate room. If I am right I suggest that we find amicable ways with your wife to begin to share and sleep in the same bedroom. The separate rooms situation is not good for too long, it maybe good for a short while but not for too long and in your circumstances it seems to be now going on for too long which is now causing you two to grow further apart and also suppress time spent together. It is taking away time between you two Wayne. So I suggest that we come back to sleeping in the same bedroom immediately somehow. You will find a best way how to go about it with your wife.

      Now we come to the matter of you not being able to eat and losing weight. My friend, I understand you and how you are feeling. But please let us realise something here. This next point might be a hard one for you. But I will go ahead and tell you anyway. The fact that you are all in a state now, losing weight and depressed probably, shows me something possibly. I think you might be putting a human being before God. This cannot be, Wayne; you need to put God first in your life. When God is first in your life, then you shall be able, although it might be hard, you shall be able to go through the issues of life without much depression or loss of weight or any of the negative side effects of having things hard as you go through life. I hope you are a praying man, reading your Bible and loving Jesus. Put God first in your life. And Wayne, I have come to discover something in life, we all at some point, will have those things we put before God removed from our lives. So with that please Wayne, put God first in your life and give the Lord your marriage and seek God to help change your wifes heart to forget about leaving you and to love you forever. Go to Church with your wife regularly and study the Bible together with your wife. It will strengthen your marriage.

      Finally, as I read your post I want to tell you that I see so much hope and good for the reconciliation of your marriage. So, Wayne, do not lose hope of your marriage. The fact that you are still in the same house with your wife and kissing and hugging is a very good thing. Your wife says let us take it one step at a time, that is great. You both are going to counselling, that is the right direction. You, Wayne are putting so much effort into your marriage now, that is lovely. Keep up the initiatives you have started to better your marriage and also improve them and add more Godly ideas and things to improve your marriage. Complete your counselling sessions and I hope everything is changing more and more for the betterment of your marriage. We all go through the motions in marriages, but I pray you stick together and keep your marriage.

      And as an extra may I mention, be patient with your wife. I am wondering how old you may be and your wife, now that you have been married for thirty three years. With that may I suggest that your wife could be going through the one of those hormonal phases which are causing her to think of leaving you, but she will get over them soon and will come to her true senses and will continue to love and be married to you.

      Another extra is to just empathise on the importance of making time together and not only realising that you need time together and doing little to address the matter of spending time together. Make sure you and your wife make arrangements for good enough quality time together.

      By the way you say your wife tries to get you upset so that you get angry so that she said you tried but couldn’t keep being nice. Again, it’s an example of time, she needs time to know you and for her to see and accept those good changes in you she needs to spend time with you and will find her love for you back quicker the more she spends time with you.

      Lastly Wayne, continue loving your wife and stand for your marriage. I will be praying for you and keep up the good work. All the best, Wayne.

      Reply

      1. B, Thank you for all your input, I’ve been doing quite a bit of what you are telling me to do already. I’ve basically quit my 2nd job and when I do start it back up, it will be only 1-2 days a week. We’re spending more time together now but she is still distant and standoffish. I’ve asked her out on dates during the week a few times to go eat. We’ve had a nice time and had some small talk. One of the things our counselor asked us to do was ask each other questions off from a list she gave us, 4-6 a night. We did that every night the 1st week and most of the 2nd week until toward the end of the week. When I asked her about doing the questions, she said that she was tired and really didn’t feel like it. So I didn’t push the subject and just told her I understand. Since she has returned from out of State working, she hasn’t wanted to do the questions either.

         I’ve asked her about going to a marriage retreat and she said that she isn’t ready for that yet. I asked her if we could make our counseling sessions weekly, she said that she wasn’t sure about that because the last one was so emotionally draining to her. I responded with, “how can that be, we’ve only met 1 time?” “Let’s try it a few weeks and see how it goes!” Her response, was, “let’s see how it goes Tuesday at our session.”

         She is over the pneumonia, but her foot is still broken. Our bed sits really high up and she has a set of stairs to walk up to the bed. The other bed sits very low to the floor. Her foot is still broken and she sleeps without her walking boot on at night and she says its easier to get in and out of that bed. I actually told her the other day that we needed to start trying to get back in the same bed at least a few nights a week. She didn’t respond.

         B, we, or should I say…I, have good days and bad days. As far as our hugging goes, I’m a big hugger and MAKE her hug me…sometimes its a side hug but its still a hug. Our kissing is merely a lips smack, no deep kisses. I asked if I could give her a really nice kiss one night and she said, “No, don’t push it and I’m not ready for it right now.”

         We went to see our daughter in another town this past weekend for a day trip, an hr and 1/2 away. We talked a little going, she mostly read on her ipad. On the ride home, I turned off the radio and said, “honey, we need to talk to each other about us and not listen to the radio on the ride home.” She sighed and said ok. I heard some stuff from her that was good and some not so good. But I know I have to take baby steps. The one really good thing I heard was, “I’m not as mad, or mad at you, like I was.” I told her that is good, now, what else can I do to improve on that? She told me, “I can’t tell you one specific thing to do….right now I just feel empty inside.” “I love you but not like I used to and I don’t know if I will ever get that love back.” Which I didn’t want to hear!!!

         So basically I told her that, before either of us throws our hands up and calls it quits for our marriage, I want to make sure we have gone down every avenue that we possibly can. I’m willing to wait, 6-9-12 months… however long it takes, because I told her that in the end, I’m positive we can get our emotional love back IF we BOTH work at it. I told her that right now, I know she isn’t trying but I just hope that over time, she would put a little effort into it.

         I’ve been doing all the things I used to do for her and she told me that I didn’t have to do any of it. I told her that I wanted to do it for her because these are things I used to do for you and I lost focus of us and I’m focusing back on us again. I took her out yesterday and bought her some workout clothes because I told her, “I’m proud of you for working out for 1 entire year this month.” She wasn’t going to let me do it but she finally said ok. We got to spend some good QT together shopping and eating lunch. 1 year ago, she was borderline diabetic and way overweight. To date, she has dropped over 30lbs and over 40″ combined off her body. I tell her, even before now, just how beautiful and smoking hot she is all the time.

         I am 55 and she will turn 53 next month. I brought it up to her that when she first told me she was thinking of leaving me, she said “I may be depressed, and/or I may be going through menopause.” She wouldn’t tell our counselor that but I will say it tomorrow. Because when she said, “I feel empty inside” this weekend, I know that can be a sign of depression. Also, I told her that her hormones may be out of wack and be causing some of her feelings too and she needed to get them checked just to make sure. She said that she “WILL NOT” take hormones because of the possibility of her getting breast cancer. Breast cancer runs in her family (mom, grandmother and 1 sister all had breast cancer and radical mastectomies). I told her it would give me peace of mind and her too IF she would just be checked. She said “maybe”.

         In closing, I want to tell you that this past Sunday when we were shopping. I asked her if she would like to go down to where all the wine vineyards are one Saturday and make a day of it, just she and I together. She did say yes, so I’m pumped about that. I told her that I’m just wanting to spend more time with her. Again, B… thank you for your comments, help and prayers. I’m going to continue doing what I’m doing and hope that I continue chipping away and she sees how much I really love and care for her!

         Reply

         1. The counseling session went better than expected yesterday. I was able to tell her and the counselor a lot of my feelings and concerns. The one thing I didn’t like, was she told my wife she would leave it up to her as to when we slept in the same bed and how much we did. Also, I let them know that even though I enjoy doing things for her, I feel as though her mind is made up and she doesn’t want to even try to do anything for me or help me! She said, “1 month ago my mind was made up, now I’ve told you I’m going to come to counseling to see if we can fix this!” That made me feel better!

            At least I was able to express all of my concerns that I’ve listed in my letters above and even some of the things you listed. I’ve set up counseling sessions up every 2 weeks through the end of June for right now. I’m thankful for that. I’ll be going weekly by myself.

            B, I’m starting to feel better about this. I’ve turned it over to God and put him first! If we’re meant to be together, then it will be his will not mine! A few of the things I’m going to back off of and quit doing as much is trying to hug her and give her a peck on the check. I’ve actually been going a little overboard with it and doing it just about every time I walk by her or she walks by me. I’m just that type of touchy feely person and its going to be hard for me but I’ll adjust how much I do it. I’m going to continue doing my acts of service and words of affirmation (5 Languages of Love) that I’ve been doing.

            Right now, I’m just thankful to God and that she is willing to work with me to see if we can make our marriage work. Thank you for your continued prayers and input.

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5. I have been married for almost 14 years and have a beautiful 10 year old daughter. Our marriage had been in trouble for years. I have found out I have codependency issues and also a lot more things inside from an abusive childhood. I have been out of the house for four months now and hoping for reconciliation. My wife quit going to marriage counseling a year ago after the counselor suggested I go and get my personal demons resolved. I started going right away; she had been on me for years.

   I have been sober for over 11 years now and thought that would fix everything. I have lied to my wife and teased her for no cooking. I always thought I was trying to be the best husband I could be cooking and helping around the house. Friends of ours have said it has been a one sided relationship for a while. I am still in counseling and really trying to work on my demons. She has depression issues and does take medication. She has already been talking to other men I just feel lost. I still want to make it work.

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   1. Dear Matt, I must admit there are some real mountains to cross to reconcile your marriage. The best we can do is to give the marriage to God and give it our best to reconcile it. How are you Matt? I am very sorry for your marriage circumstances that we find ourselves in. Your marriage has been in trouble for years, you say. That’s one mountain to cross. You see sometimes problems that have been going on for years, unfortunately sometimes those same problems could take years to fix. The length of time to fix the problems could be lengthy especially in marriages for various reasons. We cannot afford to have problems go on for years in a marriage.

      You mention that you have codependency issues, suffer from issues of an abusive childhood and have been out of the house for four months now. Your wife stopped counselling a year ago because your counsellor told you to go and sort out your personal issues first. Matt, you say that you’re still going for counselling to sort out your personal issues. Sadly Matt, one of the reasons your marriage is in trouble is because of your past. You have suffered an abusive past as you say, and are still feeling the negative effects of the abusive past. That I understand how you feel, it was terrible on you. I’m very sorry for that. As hard as it might sound, Matt, you need to snap yourself out of the negative effects of the abusive past. Don’t allow the past to make you lose your future, and your marriage. I am grateful you’ve been going to counselling for it and working on yourself to be free from the side effects of your abusive childhood, but Matt my friend, I think you’ve taken too long a time working on yourself to get over your past. You are still in counselling over a year after you started to go for counselling over the past. I think you should pick yourself to be over the past by now. Really I think you should have spent no more than six months to work on yourself and get over the past. Why I’m stressing on the time to sort out yourself? You see Matt, I know the abusive past is hard on you and I understand you on that fully, but the great change of circumstances for you is that you’re a married man and you have a daughter too. You cannot afford to be oppressed by the past anymore. Just wake and shake yourself out of the past. It happened, the past cannot be changed, but you need to live your life with and for your wife and child.

      Your wife probably over the years has just been seeing the negative effects of your past in you and this cannot be anymore. Your wife neither caused nor was she a part of your abusive childhood so please don’t let your family suffer the negative effects of that past. This is yes, a first immediate step we need to take for the reconciliation of your marriage. Do it now, just let go of the past. Sometimes, even those closest to us can get fed up of waiting for us to get over things such as an abusive past especially if we spend years and years dealing with the negative issues of the past.

      I would like to refer you to listening and reading CD’S, DVD and books by Joyce Meyer. Look up her material and teachings on how to overcome an abusive past and live your life. She has very great and extensive resources she has published on the subject of childhood abuse and abuse from the past etc. You will benefit from her teaching. Joyce Meyer also suffered extensive childhood abuse and she has now made it through out of it and teaches others on how to do the same. You need to pray to God daily to help you overcome the past. Read your Bible.

      Congratulations for been sober for over eleven years. That’s great. Unfortunately, of course that alone wouldn’t have been the answer to your marriage problems. There is more that needs to be worked on. Such as the above. I also notice that yes you’ve been doing more such as cooking and chores etc. That is good too. Has there been more activities of expression of love in your marriage Matt? Have you been telling each other I love you, going out for movies, been romantic towards each other etc.? If not this is really required to keep up your marriage. Show your wife love. Buy her flowers and the like. Make her smile. This brings me to the point that your friends have mentioned that your marriage seems to be one sided for a while. This is concerning. It then seems to me that you’re doing much but with little effort from your wife.

      I think your wife has been affected by the ongoing problems over years in your marriage. She is also suffering from depression. This has caused her to pull away from you in a way. Thus she might be putting little effort in the marriage. You’re going to have to be the one pushing for the marriage for some time Matt. Stand for your marriage. Sometimes, it’s very hard to stand alone for your marriage, but with the grace of God, your marriage will hopefully be reconciled and your efforts pay off. It might take a lot to get your wife to focus back on the marriage but keep telling her and showing her your love for her. It’s important that you and your wife restart the marriage counselling for you two. It’s important we get back on track to attending counselling sessions directed at your marriage. So if you can Matt, please immediately arrange for that. It could be also a worthy consideration if your wife at some point sometime could attend counselling sessions for her depression too. Completely treating and eliminating her depression could be of great benefit to your marriage. Her depression maybe possibly contributing to the problems in your marriage and also hindering the reconciliation of your marriage.

      So your wife is talking to other men. I don’t usually take notice of sayings but I’ll take exception on this occasion. Thus have you ever heard of the saying, out of sight out of mind? Matt you’ve been out of the house for 4 months now. You and your wife are living separated for four months now. It might seem short for you, but such time living apart from your wife can be very costly. Now she’s talking to other men. It’s probably a result of her living apart from you and also your other marital problems. If you can Matt arrange an amicable solution with your wife and move back into your family home. Live together. Separation out of the house is normally not a good thing. It sometimes will cause spouses to start finding greater liberty in talking to other people and also hamper efforts to reconciliation in a marriage. The more you are absent from the family home, the more you possibly could be dwindling out of her mind.

      I’m not sure about what you have lied to your wife, as you say above if I understood you right, but lying in a marriage is never a good thing. So, if you can try to reduce or completely stop the lying. And you say you tease her for not cooking. I’m not sure how she might be taking the teasing on this subject, but be careful of what you tease your wife at the moment because some of the things she could be taking sensitively without telling you anything and causing her to withdraw from you. And hey, it’s good to make jokes in a marriage as long as they make you both laugh and not hurt the other.

      I wish you the best in the restoration of your marriage and will be praying for you and your wife for your marriage and also pray for you to be healed of those personal issues you both are going through. Specifically your abusive childhood negative effects and the depression your wife suffers. I wish you all the best Matt. Take care.

      Reply

6. My wife just left me after almost 28 years of marriage. This came as a complete shock to me as we attend church pretty regularly and never have verbal arguments. She says she is lonely and that I was controlling on the marriage. I ask her her opinions on any trips we take, financial decisions, eating out, etc. I’ve been attending counseling to figure out my own faults and want to reconcile the marriage. I am willing to do whatever God needs me to do. As of two weeks into this she is not willing to go to counseling at all. She says she loves me like a family member and not in love with me. That about sums it up. As I said, I asked her daily how her day was and she always gave me the same response, Fine.

   Reply

   1. Dear KWM , It is of my greatest concern the amount of marriages which are at the brink of divorce or go through divorce after such a very lengthy time of the marriage existence. By that I mean I am really concerned with the increase and the increasing number of marriages that break up after a very long time of the people being married together. For example, your marriage, after twenty eight years, you are at this point. I mean as married people do we really have to put ourselves through this for very minor reasons? It is a field I am now researching into as it has reached alarming levels. KWM, it is with sadness that I read your post.

      So your wife has recently moved out out of the blue and is refusing counseling and attempts to reconcile the marriage. You have been more than willing to correct any faults that you may have. She mentioned that she feels lonely and that you are too controlling. What do we do now?

      Firstly, we need to fast and pray over your marriage. We need to seek God’s guidance on what to do, to reveal the faults in your marriage and to reveal the truth of what is going on in your marriage especially with your wife. To show you why, if there is anything more, your wife has decided to leave you suddenly and not willing to explore any ways of working to keep the marriage. Then just follow through God’s guidance on how to deal with your marriage henceforth.

      So your wife has refused to go counselling. On this maybe, just maybe, I think it might be helpful to ask a family member from either side or from both sides to go and talk to your wife about trying, at least trying to work on the reconciliation of your marriage. If possible, maybe the family member can ask or convince your wife to attend counselling and the various activities aimed at reconciling the marriage. Maybe the family member can help you both, with some of their input, help you both start significant work towards rebuilding the marriage. BUT, I MUST WARN YOU, KWM, FROM THE TOP OF MY VOICE, that if you do go ahead and choose a family member or members to try and talk to your wife, your choice of the family member is seriously very crucial. You have to choose a family member who will remain neutral in your marriage issues, a family member who is God fearing and is really devoted to following Jesus and His Word. You have to make sure that the family member or members might not negatively influence anything in your marriage either way between you two. Such a family member might be hard to find so be careful. If you do not find the family member, then I suggest that you just keep asking your wife for her support in reconciling the marriage and attending counseling. And if you do find a family member, you yourself KWM should still continue your role in trying to convince your wife to take steps and activities to reconcile the marriage. However remember, this is a very delicate matter, we don’t want to to frustrate your wife by over pressuring her to attend counselling as this frustration of being overpressured can cause her to withdraw from you more.

      I also encourage you to keep the hope up for the reconciliation of your marriage. I know your wife just left and refused counseling. But if I understood you right, it has just been about two weeks. Two weeks is still a very short time, let us keep fighting for your marriage. Your wife will hopefully come back to you soon. In two weeks she might be thinking she is right and doesn’t want the marriage anymore, but hopefully after a short while she will realize that really this is not the right decision to leave her marriage and she will push to reconcile the marriage.

      May I also encourage you to keep finding ways to get her to talk more with you in general. You say that you ask her how her day was and she just says fine. I hope you just didn’t leave the conversation there. Sometimes it is a good thing for a man to get the conversation flowing with the woman. When you ask her about her day and she just says fine, then ask her more such as what did you do, did she enjoy it, maybe you can do the same thing together she found interesting that day, what she had for lunch, how was her commute etc. All these things by you, can help keep her spark with you my friend.

      I will be praying for the reconciliation of your marriage. I wish you all the best and may The Word of God guide you. God Bless You KWM.

      Reply

7. I’ve been married for 9 years and together for 2 years prior to that. We’ve had many changes in life over the last 11 years including career changes, moved to a small community, built a new house and have two amazingly beautiful children a daughter that is 6 and a son that is 4. Over the last 3 years I have felt my wife withdrawing from our marriage and spending more time hanging out with friends and building a life outside of what we were building together.

   My wife is amazingly beautiful and everyday grows into an even more beautiful woman. We started dating when she was 18 and married when she was 21 and I was 25. Sometimes I feel like she is looking for an opportunity to explore the world and see if there might be something better out in the world. The last few weeks I’ve felt my wife completely shut down from our marriage and am now living in the basement and stopped all communication other than to talk about particulars with the kids. She says that she doesn’t love me anymore and that she cannot see a future where we are together, both of these things dig deep into my soul and I can’t think of anything better than to spend every waking moment together.

   I can’t help but sense that I took my wife for granted from a position of “comfort” in our marriage and this has driven my wife away and hardened her heart towards me. I see he infectious smile when she is around friends, family and the kids but around me she is almost dead inside. She has said several times that our marriage is over but has not wanted to say the words “divorce.” She continues to talk in terms of separation. She has agreed to marriage counseling but seems resistant to the idea of fixing our marriage more so just clarifying that our marriage is over. We are both going to see a counselor individually as well to help heal ourselves and make ourselves better people.

   People keep saying that I need to be patient and continue to show her love but this is a very painful thing to do, continuing to show love and getting no response back is very difficult. So hard to watch my wife drift further away while I try to give her space. I pray to God everyday that she will find her way back to me and let me into her soul again. I’m worried that when she realizes what she wants it will be too late to fix our marriage. I would take any advice or views. I am committed to fighting for my marriage but I also love my wife enough to know that at some point I may have to let her go so she can find happiness again in her life.

   Reply

   1. Dear Tom, I am going to take a minute or two to shed some tears for firstly, your children. There are two little children at the highest peak of this very very bad situation. I feel for those children. Secondly, I am going to shed some tears for your marriage, you are a very young couple, not even married for that long (yes I said that, not that long compared to marriages which are now in their sixtieth year), and we are at this point in life. What a point it is for a marriage to reach. I wish we all could realise how a break up could really negatively impact on the childrens lives and on the lives of the couples which are breaking up too.

      Alright, what can be said about your situation? You say over the past three years, your wife has been withdrawing from the marriage building a life outside your marriage and family. Three years is such a long time for such a behaviour or act to go unchecked or addressed. What have you done to address the situation with your wife for the past three years. I hope there were some attempts to rectify this behaviour. My issue now is okay let us sort out what we have now, but the main question is to what extent has your wife built this other life out there? Over the last three years a lot could have possibly taken place which is possibly contributing to her withdrawing from your marriage. I mean hey your children must have been three and one year when this started, how was this building of another life or whatever you want to call it possible? I thought it is the time to be all consumed in the young children. May I ask if you are sure, considering the time factors here, are you sure your wife didn’t suffer any postnatal depression or some sort of sadness or loss of personal meaning after giving birth to your children. It is worth exploring how she has felt since day one post birth in general. Is she happy with herself, how is she taking motherhood and all its functions and requirements etc. I mean we really need to know what really triggered her withdrawal. The answers to some of these questions can help in reconciliation attempts of your marriage.

      You mention that she has been spending more time with friends. What kind of friends are these? How do they influence her? I mean, how good are friends which can happily take more of your time at the expense of your time for your marriage. Friends, good friends at least, will not take much time of a married woman doing things that are out of her home and don’t involve her husband and children. Are these friends married? I mean I think to add to the reconciliation of your marriage we have to look at who are these friends really and how do they spend time and influence your wife. Friends can be a negative influence in a marriage sometimes.

      That brings me to a brief comment on age. If I am right your wife is thirty years or in her very early thirties. I have observed that this age group between thirty and forty is a very reckless time for men and women. We feel somehow between that age group we can do it and should be doing it and should have done it all. That, I suppose, we are running out of time and we are at our peak in life in that age group so should go and explore the world regardless of our commitments or anything that might prevent us from doing so. What a very great misconception that is. And sadly, what destruction going down that route leaves behind. Only after we have participated in doing the wrong things that we finally realise that they were wrong, and it is too late to fix them. So, I pray that we are both wrong in thinking your wife might be looking for an opportunity to explore the world to see if there is something better out there.

      So you have been sleeping in the basement for the last few weeks and you feel your wife has completely shut down on the marriage and that you and your wife are not talking unless it’s only about the welfare of the children. I feel you too when you say that it is really hard for you to keep showing love with no response back. You also wish to have the marriage reconciled. Tom, at the moment what is going on in your marriage is totally a further barrier to the restoration of your marriage. Living in the basement and only talking about the children is going to deepen the distance between you and your wife in every way. The greater this distance becomes the more your wife is going to harden her heart and the more you are going to find it difficult and painful and hard to keep showing your wife love or rather to even love your wife. You need to come out of this basement and go back to living with your wife in the house and bedroom too. You cannot be living in the basement.

      If anything is going to happen, whether she leaves you or not, then let us give all our best to reconcile the marriage. If your wife leaves you then fine, at least you gave it your all even though it was very painful. One thing I need you to do is also look up on this website and other websites about the whole dimensions of standing alone fighting for your marriage. It will teach you what to do and what to expect. I hope this will in turn help you to keep standing for marriage and go through the standing alone right to the end whether your marriage works out or not. The more you understand the facts of standing alone, the more you will be able to stand for your marriage despite the pain of being the only one showing love. Start back finding the conversation back with your wife. Do things as a family as much as you can. But remember too, that going back to the same bedroom with your wife now could be a process since you had moved into the basement already.

      You say you sense you took your wife for granted from a position of comfort in your marriage and that could have driven your wife away from you. Tom, let’s not rush to find unnecessary blame and faults on yourself because of the state of your marriage at present. Look at yourself and also your wife and be fair to yourself and your wife in trying to find where the faults are so that you rectify them. But I must say don’t pick petty things to put the blame on yourself for the state of your marriage. We need to stay focus and realistic while looking at your marriage at this very major state it is in now. And you need to remember Tom, if someone is going to leave a marriage and are head bent and leaving, they most likely will leave anyway. It doesn’t mean it all about your faults or so; the person just wanted to leave.

      It is great your wife and yourself are going for counseling. But it is also greatly important that you also go for joint counseling and not only individual counseling. You need to try and see if your wife will go to joint counseling with you to see if there is anyway things can be rectified between you two. You can both continue the individual counseling but it always of paramount importance to have joint counseling together in a marriage.

      And what is this about giving your wife space. I mean do we realise the meaning of marriage anymore? Tom, you and your wife are married and are now one and thus have one space now. It is fine once in a while to go out with your friends as individuals or do very few activities as individuals, but there is nothing about giving the other space in a marriage. You are together, one people, one person together. Life is now about you enjoying each other most of the times and doing things together and being together most times (and hey, how that time together goes so fast. To all the married people, please cherish all the time you can with your spouse). And yes, yes Tom, I am very sorry, I do not know what your perception about this “space” is, especially that you are trying to give it to your wife; but yes I am sorry Tom the moment married people start giving each other space it will only cause them to drift apart, just like you say you feel your wife is drifting apart from you more now that you are giving her her space. So please Tom, as much as possible, please cut this space you are giving your wife, at least cut the space to the point where there is some room between you two but not enough to allow anyone of you to drift apart from the other. Too much space will cause spouses to drift apart in a marriage.

      I wish you all the best in the restoration of your marriage. I hope your wife finds her way back to you when it is not too late. Give your best as much as you can in your marriage to the end. And if ever you feel the time to let her go has come, only you will know when that time has come. Stay strong in the Lord. I wish your marriage restoration and I will be praying for strength for you Tom. I will also pray for your wife to find her love for you back again.
      God Bless You Tom.

      Reply

8. Question, Please. my wife of 25 years got involved with a 29 years younger man, she said she does not love me anymore, also she said that she has not being physically with him but I do have my doubts. This guy is in jail right now for felony charges. She keeps saying she does not want me to be hurt. She wants to leave because she feels bad for me, because she does not want to be with me. She covers herself when she is undressing, we sleep in the same bed but for almost a month we have not any intimacy. My question is should I let her leave? She said she knows that the relationship with this man cannot go anywhere but she cannot stop what she feels. I’m trying to love her unconditionally but I just feel really bad about her rejection, should I sleep in a separate bed?

   Today she told me that she is empty, that she does not have love for anybody, and that she is looking for an apartment so she can live on her own, leaving us, my 15 year old son. I told her to start from fresh like we are just friends and go slow. She said she has being trying for the last 9 years and she says nothing happened. she cannot feel what she used to. I do not want to lose my marriage. I’m praying so God can give strength to continue standing. Sometimes I feel so weak that I just want to let go. I have being in this battle for more than a year. I feel she is obsessed with this young man. My wife is 52 and he is 23. Pray for me; I wait for your words. Thank you, God Bless.

   Reply

   1. Dear J Pablo, I am very sorry about the current state of your marriage. I know how hard it is on you right now. Twenty nine years you two have been married! I feel for you. You ask if you should let your wife leave. J Pablo, if your wife is going to walk out of that door on you, really is there anything you can do to stop her from leaving? She will find an apartment as she says and walk out of your home and marriage. How really will you stop her leaving? You can not force or stop her against her will not to walk out. That is her choice and her freedom to do so. And at the same time I must say you cannot force anyone to love you or to continue loving you when they don’t love you anymore. And if somehow you can stop her leaving where you live together and she stays there and doesn’t ever love you back, then this is so ever going to hurt you really badly. Especially if this 29 year old starts coming round to see her at your house because she lives there and is somehow made to continue living there by you.

      So, what is that we do? I will always support people to fight and stand for their marriage. That is exactly what I suggest you do. Do not go and sleep in a separate bed. This will never help to restore your marriage. I know the rejection is really painful and it’s very hard on you when she covers herself when undressing, but do not go to a separate bedroom separate bed. Keep standing for your marriage. Even though there is no intimacy or any physical thing just remain in the same bedroom and bed. Fight for your marriage whilst at least maintaining your bed and bedroom together.

      Now what things can you do to continue and add to your marriage. I suggest you two start marriage counselling. See if you can talk your wife into marriage counselling to explore if the marriage can be saved in anyway. I know she has been saying that she has tried for the past nine years to keep the marriage. But let her tell those things which she has done in those past nine years so that you can try different things together to try and save the marriage. Convince her that let both of you do activities together with an aim to save the marriage. Whatever she has been doing in the past nine years she did by herself, which really I think is best done together to achieve a difference.

      I understand you that you have been in this battle for a year and that you feel so weak at times that you just want to let her go. Do not focus on the length of time you have been standing alone, focus on doing everything you can to keep standing and save the marriage until the battle is over either way it goes. J Pablo, you still want your marriage and do not want to lose it, so that is good enough reasons for now to continue standing for your marriage. In marriage, especially when standing for your marriage alone, give it your all until the point you wholly feel yourself the stander, that it is now time to let that spouse who doesn’t love you anymore go and you are okay with it and at least you know you tried all you can to save the marriage.

      You say she says she doesn’t feel love for anyone at all. You also say you have a son. Right, I see you say you have been married for twenty nine years and quoting you above you said “my son”. That is the part I am not understanding. Is he your son with someone else or your son with your wife? This is very crucial to know the right thing because I can actually say more on it knowing the right answer to that question. But for now, since I can’t really be sure on that statement of yours, I shall not assume anything, thus I won’t further put in suggestions pertaining to the whole issue on your wife saying she feels no love for anyone.

      Then we come to the matter of your wife and this man your wife is involved with. This is such a major issue and will be a great challenge to overcome as we attempt to reconcile your marriage. It is great that you are willing to forgive and let it go. I hope that your wife finds it in herself to let go of this man and stay and keep her marriage. This is what really needs to be sorted out. I think if she manages to let go and forget this man, it would definitely open greater doors to saving your marriage. These are some of the things that have to be tackled hopefully through counselling and you continuously showing her love.

      Now J Pablo, your wife at moment seems determined to leave you. But until the day she says she has found her own apartment and walks, and until the day you feel it fully in yourself that it is time to let her go, then let us continue standing for your marriage. There is always hope for the softening of your wife’s heart, which will result in her coming back to you. You be strong. Continue strengthening yourself with the Word of God. Pray for your wife and for your marriage. We will be praying for you and your wife for the reconciliation of your marriage. God Bless You J Pablo.

      Reply

      1. Thank you very much. I will clarify something. I was not very clear about it, but we have four children 30, 27, 21 and 15 years old of our own, which I love very much. My wife at this time is saying she does not care about anybody but herself and she needs to look out for herself and nobody else. Also, the young man is only 23 years old but he is in jail on felony charges, with $1120000.00 bail. She is 52 years old. She said that she does not have a future with this guy but she cannot take him out of her heart. Thank you very much I will keep posting to keep updating the situation. Thank you, Pablo.

         Reply

9. Hello, I am an Indian staying in Mumbai. My wife whom I got married to used to stay in a small town. I got married to my beloved wife three months ago, I(age 30) and my wife (age 28)are both educated, simple, and prefer to give more to family than each other. A problem was raised when my mother – avery hardworking woman but due to a circumstances she remains ill, she not keeps well and that has kept her a little tense about her future.

   My wife is a very silent and very conservative nature, she gets afraid if someone or other shouts on her or shows anger towards her and she is not able to fight back. She shows her anger but couldn’t express her rights. So she keeps silent and starts avoiding or sidelining by talking less or avoiding to get in the situation of joining of my family in the way that this can reduce problems or unopen things that creates a problem between any one of us.

   The problem arises between my mother and wife’s thoughts. My mom wants my wife to realize that life is not about taking things light on a very fast track mode vice Versa her way of making her learn things is like loud or an arrogant /unrealistic way. This has created conflicts between my mother and my wife. I Had always been in my wife’s support but not able to make a realistic stand for her so far; not able to give her comfort regarding our life. My mother on other hand feels that I am getting away from her because I support my wife and I’m the reason of not letting her make things go smoothly in our family by supporting her.

   These conflicts have been on daily basis the last three months and now the situation has arisen that my wife doesn’t trust me that I am able to make a solution for our life. I had given her an option of splitting from family. At first she felt this is wrong (she being stayed in a joint family) but later she discussed about her staying with my mother makes her ver uncomfortable. She feels that she is doing wrong by taking a son away from her mother, so she thinks that splitting away from me is the best solution. This would relieve my mother and her. My mother on other hand is unable to realize the situation; she is still adamant that she is right. She keeps complaining that your wife is making you learn these things and you want to split off with me. My mom feels unsecured regarding properties and her future. At this position my wife is staying back at her families place. And her family is supporting her in every decision she takes about her life. On other hand my family is not realizing the situation that’s going on me and they just want to complain regards approach taken by me.

   In the current situation my wife talks to me but not that way; she just thinks that if we get separated then that’s the best solution of keeping things right in the old mannered format before marriage. I don’t want to split with my wife .. but I have developed a hurt feeling for my mother. I also get hurt when my wife says she doesn’t want to stay with me because she feels if we live alone my mother’s rebellious behaviour won’t let us live peacefully in our life. I have realized that must I have never been able to gain respect for my wife in my family. Please guide me in what I can do.

   Reply

   1. Dear Ravi, I have tried to understand your post and with the understanding that I got from your post, though difficult to understand in some places, I will make a reply. I think I fully understood your post anyway. Yours is a very brief reply to the point, not much words required to reply you. The question left is if whether you will be able to pick up some of the suggestions. Before I begin, forgive me in advance, but I noticed that you are from India. With that realisation I wonder if your problem also stems from culture and traditions. So I will talk about that later on but when I do, please forgive me if I cross the line.

      Basically, my friend, what you need to do is to take a stand for your wife when it comes to your family especially your mother. This is one of the greatest unfortunate positions to find yourself in when you get married, tension between your wife and mother. From your post it seems as if it is more your mother causing the problems. Because you have not taken a stand for your wife with your mother, she has now someway lost confidence in you and that is why she now feels that she cannot trust you anymore and feels you cannot make decisions and solutions for your day-to-day and future lives. This is a serious feeling she feels Ravi and that is shown too in the fact that she has moved out and is now living back with her family.

      I see you came up with only some part of the solution to solving the problems between your wife and mother. By that I mean you gave your wife the option that you move to your own place together. Ravi, you say you gave your wife the option, so basically you didn’t actually make the decision and fully committ yourself and see it through that you move out. You sort of left your wife to decide whether to move out or not as you had given it to her as an option. What really is that Ravi? You are the man of the house and you should be fully capable of taking charge and leading your family. Of course and I am not surprised that your wife decided that she moves out instead and goes back to her parents. That is because really how were you expecting her to decide to leave and move out on your mother. It is a situation and a decision you Ravi are supposed to take. You were supposed to just tell your wife that you will be moving out with her to your own place. You should just have taken the decision and seen it through. Your wife would feel bad of course to feel like she took the decision to separate you and your mother especially if you in her eyes are not able to stand up for yourself and your wife when it comes to your mother. You seem to her as someone who cannot fully separate yourself from your mother as a grown independent man. So inorder not to destroy any relationship between you and your mother she chose to move out herself and make herself suffer the loss of her marriage, husband, home and own family rather than live a life of being pained by accusations that she caused you to split from your mother. I must imagine that she also want to avoid a mishap in future were you might turn around and blame her for moving out from your mother if she has to decide to say yes on the option you gave her for her to decide for you as a family to move out.

      Another thing is that you really needed to take a realistic stand as you like to call it for your wife when it comes to your mother. Take a firm stand Ravi and tell your mother to take a step back from your wife. She should respect your wife as a married woman to her son. You have tell your mother to start accepting your wife the way she is with her character and not try and force your wife to do things differently or do things your mothers way. We are all different and nobody should be forced to change themselves to the way the other likes or sees fit. Your mother can only advise your wife on things and not force her to accept that advice or be upset with her for not taking that advice.

      Another thing we need to is that for a day, let you and me put ourselves in your wife’s position. Imagine for a day that you are your wife, imagine for a day that it is your wife’s family and mother that is ill treating you or doing all the things your mother does to your wife, how would you feel Ravi? How would you feel when your wife is not taking a stand for you with her family. How would you feel if she is not really effectively supporting you when her family is treating you wrong? Maybe now you can really see what your wife is going through. And oh yes, now I realise that you are realising that your wifes family are supporting her about every decision she is making about life. Of course my friend it will be so especially after the way she has been treated by your family. Your family should support you in your choice of wife and how she is and also support your marriage by respecting your wife. And if your mother had got deep concerning issues against your wife, she should come and speak to you and allow you to talk to your wife if you decide to do so about the concerns.

      Ravi, you have to also think about the future realistically. You are at the very greatest point of possibly losing your marriage and wife. You have to think and ask yourself after fifteen years from now, when you look back, would you be happy for the reasons you and your wife broke up. You have to think how would you feel to be without your wife at that time. Will the things that probably led to you and your wife breaking up have been worth it? Ask yourself such questions. This is just a scenario if in the worst case you and your wife end up breaking over this.

      Now, Ravi, do you realise that you are now possibly losing two of the most important women in your life. I mean hey, your wife has moved back to her family, and you have now acquired this hurt feeling over your mother. It seems to me due to your inability to contain this situation you have just lost two people at the centre of your life. I must add that actually three lives have been affected here because you also are feeling hurt. That is a very big side effect for you of all this. You also feel hurt when your wife says she doesn’t want to stay with you because of your mothers rebellious attitude. Your mother’s attitude towards your wife and marriage are only going to go on if you do not put a firm stop to it. And yes your wife will say that she still doesn’t want to live with you even if you move out because she has seen your inability to stop the situation. You have to stand up for your home, wife and marriage Ravi. Welcome to married life, and sometimes you will be required to stand for your marriage and home in very okward and touching situations even with your own close family. With that it is also great if you find a good marriage mentor for yourself in future. Do you go to Church? Find a good bible believing Jesus believing God fearing pastor or mentor to guide you through the stages of marriage and how to deal with the various issues as the man of the house.

      Your mother. You say she unable to realise the situation and maintains that she is right. Your mother feels unsecure about properties and her future. She accuses your wife of trying to split the two of you apart. Let us discuss this. On the other hand, you have been recently married, maybe your mother is at a fear that now that there is a lady in your life, maybe your mother now is suffering from a fear of losing you and everything in her life. It seems to me that you as her son had been the centre of her life, you are the man in her life. She cannot accept another lady around you, especially a wife because it maybe that your mother cannot let go of you. That kind of attachment does form in some mothers and can be a very big complication for a son. Your mother seems to have all her hope in you that you are the only person that will ever be there for her. Also now that she is not feeling well she might be feeling you are the only thing she has in this world. Another woman around your life could take you away from her she could be feeling. And if you go you might take the properties and yourself away from her and she loses everything. I think Ravi, another thing you should do is find ways to reassure your mother that you will always be there, that you love her. Find ways to show her that having your wife in your life is only going to add to the love she has in her life and not take away you or anything away from her. Show your mother that extra assurance that you will always be there for her and that your wife is a great addition to the family. These steps can also heal the relationship between your wife and mother. Find ways to help your mother accept your wife if you can think of any.

      And maybe for now Ravi to keep your wife and marriage, maybe you are going to have to find a place of your own to live for a while with your wife until things are sorted out with your family. Your wife is your wife now and a very crucial element to your life.

      And to whatever you do and decisions you take, make sure that you find amicable ways to take care of your mother even if you move out. Make sure that you are taking care of her. And things are really bad for you but please Ravi, find ways to forgive your mother and stop feeling this hurt you feel over her now. Just let it go and take the necessary steps to fix and keep your marriage whilst looking after the welfare of your mother. She is your mother always. It is time you get your family to respect your wife, she is your choice, your marriage. And Ravi, you may never achieve the perfect solution to your whole entire problem, but strive to achieve the best solution possible.

      I am going to leave you with a Bible verse: Matthew 19:5. But read Matthew 19:1-6. Read those few verses too Ravi. I hope you are a Christian man and that you pray. Keep praying for God to continue helping you in your situation. I hope that there will be amicable solutions found to resolve your situation. I will no longer talk about culture and traditions. You know your culture and traditions best to know how to deal with them as to move forward in your situation. God Bless You Ravi.

      Reply

10. My wife of 14 years has asked me for a divorce. She looked me straight in the eyes and told me she didn’t love me anymore. She claims that I’ve pushed her away with my jealousy and possessive behaviors over the years. I’ve questioned her loyalty, her faithfulness to me and God. Although she tells me this has nothing to do with another man there is a man that she is talking to. We have decided to coexist in the same house in the meantime for the sake of the kids; however she is now going out with her friends and perhaps this new man as well.

    I definitely do not want a divorce as i am still in lover with her, but it is very hard for me to be at home with the kids while she is out doing who knows what with who knows who. She tells me that she needs space for her to figure out what she wants. Am I supposed to just give her the time and space she needs? And then what? Do I get to question what shes done or what she did if she decides to stay with me? I am really at a loss here.

    Reply

    1. Dear Orlando, The very first thing I suggest to do in your marriage is to start taking the initiative to reconcile the marriage so as to save it. At the moment the steps you and your wife have taken are headed more in the direction of breaking up the marriage. I suggest you talk to your wife and begin marriage counselling to see what is it that has gone wrong and how it can be rectified. I get the point that she says you have drawn her away with your jealous and possessive behaviours, but really is that the real reason she wants to leave a fourteen years old marriage with children?

       Is there more she feels that is making her take the big leap to opt for a divorce? Divorce is not a small thing my friend, for someone to suggest that, something more major than just jealousy and being possessive has to be given as a reason for one wanting a divorce. And one thing is that everyone in their own way is jealous and possessive over their other half. The thing is to maintain it in a healthy way, because yes jealousy and possesiveness can become unhealthy at times and ruin a relationship. But I mean in your case after fourteen years of marriage and with children involved, I would expect and want your wife to find ways to rectify the issue rather than just rush and opt for a divorce.

       Now you and your wife are just now coexisting in the same house for the sake of the children. Your wife says she’d like some space to figure out what she really wants and you wonder if you should give her space and time. At the moment a suggestion of space in your marriage is out of the question. I don’t think with where you’re at this present time in your marriage giving each other or rather your wife space would be beneficial. Your wife is going out more and talking to another man for whatever reason, and not doing all that with you. There are principles and steps which need to be observed and practiced when spouses give each other some space to think. Surely talking to another man is not one of them. If you give her this space she wants right now, do you not think it will just enable to increase a distraction towards this other man she is talking to and maybe contribute to the break up of your marriage. I wonder how much more space she needs because hey, she is going out with her friends more and talking to another man already, I mean ain’t that enough space already?

       Do you get to question what she has done if she decides to stay in the marriage? Of course yes you have every reason to want to know what she has done during this very difficult period. The wonder of what she has done would always be on your mind and can also become an issue in your marriage if you do not ask. If you do not ask it could also trigger other behaviours and actions in you because you, Orlando, can end up making up things in your mind of what she has done and conclude that you are right, thus doing things differently which could cause new problems in your marriage. It is good to restart on a clean plate with all questions asked and answers given by both parties on any issues. This would really highly aid the healing of your relationship. Everything should be out in the open.

       Your wife has responsibilities of a family. I really understand you when it’s hard on you when you are left taking care of the children and she is out with her friends. I’m not sure if she thinks this could be a long-term resolution to her being able to go out. There are so many things we do nowadays as humans at the greatest expense of children. I wish your wife could realise that if you two get divorced it would only make it harder for her to even have this time out with her friends possibly when she now has the children with her more on her own and this man she is talking to could even walk away if ever their talk is to amount to anything more. Then your wife would realise that divorce is not at all something to just dive into without really a good reason and without trying to amicably solve any existing problems in the marriage.

       So Orlando, the best I can suggest to you is to meet up with a counsellor with your wife and talk about the marriage, see what things could be done to put your marriage in the restoration path. Hopefully your wife will agree to do this. This is just the beginning and one of the steps in restoring a marriage.

       I would also encourage to be strong and patient as you work through the restoration of your marriage. Forgiveness is going to be a very important element you shall be required to have in the restoration path of your marriage Orlando. Just as you would want your wife to forgive you for those actions which you have done in the past which have caused her to be upset and lose her focus of her love for you. Keep your hope up, and as long as you want the marriage and don’t want to give up yet, keep doing things to show your wife love and improve on the things she finds uncomfortable in you within reason and as much as you can without hurting your own heart in the process.

       Finally, and most importantly, I need you to pray for your wife, pray for her healing of anything you could have done her wrong knowingly and unknowingly. Pray to God to soften her heart and love you back. Read your Bible as much as you can everyday. The Word of God will guide you through this extremely devastating time you are going through right now with your wife. I will be praying for you Orlando. I wish you all the best and restoration of your marriage. May God richly bless you and richly bless your wife. Thank you.

       Reply

11. I’m a woman who had a hardened heart and sometimes I still do. I thought I would post to help some of you understand it. I have read some of your posts of spouses saying their partner has hardened their heart and they don’t know how to accept it.

    I got married about 5 years ago. I had two children from previous relationships not wanting any more. I was a baby Christian marrying a man who was very familiar with the Bible. He seemed like a dream come true and I looked up to the man he was when we first married. My children looked up to him also. He insisted on having a child. He said I was supposed to submit myself to him according to the Bible and to be fruitful and multiply. My job situation was not permanent at the time so I told him I would reconsider when my employment was secure. We had our issues. Especially me as my previous relationship was very abusive. But in my mind I thought everything was ok for the most part between us. I decided it was time to give him his desire of a child that he kept pursuing me for. I was not wanting to have more but it was a sore issue between us and I felt I was disappointing God by not submitting myself to my husband.

    He had children from a previous marriage that lived with us. I was pregnant and extremely sick in and out of the hospital. He helped me a bit but I felt like I was pressuring him to rub my back if I was throwing up. His behaviour was out of the norm. I felt like a burden to him. I felt that he was turned off by me with all of the sickness and the throwing up. He was very distant and I felt alone and depressed. I found out that he was having an affair with a married woman at work. He admitted to it after I had evidence of it. I was crushed. I felt like I wanted to kill myself. Although the affair happened in 2011 and we are apart it still deeply hurts me. The baby came early due to stress. I went down to 80 pounds in weight. I felt low about myself. I felt ugly. He did not want to discuss the affair as he said I’m suppose to forgive 70 times 7.

    He did not seem sorry at the time as it felt like I wasn’t allowed to have any emotions. If I spoke to friends about it he would say I’m trying to bring shame. I’ve been a counselor and he says he knows they’re twisting my mind. Feeling like everything I did was wrong I couldn’t take it anymore. I cursed at him calling him names, I demeaned him through all of my anger… I felt like I hated him for all the pain. I left him still feeling down with confused feelings of loving him some days and hating him others. I was disappointed with myself for marrying him and for him hurting me and my children and for still caring about him.

    So I figured I would move on with someone else to get rid of my feelings. I met a great guy. He was everything I wanted in someone, caring, nurturing, affectionate. He was everything I lacked from my husband. It was only a rebound. I left him and reconciled with my husband. There was no trust though. Now I was with him again yet this time so alone and disconnected. He tried his best but nothing he did could validate my trust for him. My hurt was very deep still. I still felt low and depressed and I had felt feeling less towards him. Our intimate life was empty. By getting involved with some one else had affected me so I urge you that is the wrong way to deal with your emotions.

    It has caused my husband to be very insecure knowing that I had previously been seeing someone. His insecurity drove me nuts. It pushed me away more and I would say he opened our marriage to infidelity to begin with and he pushed me to someone else. We separated in 2014. Our divorce just came through. I found that he was talking to young women online before the divorce went through although he was still trying to reconcile with me. I’m sad that our marriage was not able to succeed. I’m sad about the infidelity. I’m sad about my children. I’m sad the Devil won. I’m just sad period. I also know that we tried at church on our last attempt. I would say to any of you that Divorce is painful for both parties. Even the one like myself with the hardened heart. I don’t want reconciliation. But I can also tell you I don’t want to feel like this. Both sides are hard, the spouse who still cares and the one with hardened heart.

    It’s been painful and still is but I continue to trust God that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. That there is purpose in my pain. It doesn’t mean I don’t cry still. I know God is a God of restoration. I know I committed adultery also after he did but I urge you that it will make things worse.

    I pray that you will find peace in the battle as I’m trying to do. Everyday gets a little easier. I do have my tough days but I know God is with me in the storm even when I’m unsure he is there. I have not been involved in a relationship since 2014. I still have a lot of healing to go through and I want to do everything according to Gods will and not my own. Don’t give up hope as he will never leave you or forsake you.

    Reply

12. I have been married for almost 9 years to my wife, and together for a total of 11. I’ve suspected that she has been having something going on with a coworker for about 6 months now. About a week and a half ago I set up a hidden camera when I left for my midnight shift at work. I checked the camera the following day and it was confirmed that she’d been having an affair.

    My wife has always been so anti-cheating. We’ve talked about this topic concerning other couples numerous times. I am still in shock that she has actually done this. It’s just not her. Now she tells me she loves him and that she’s not “in love” with me anymore. She says that she feels nothing for me. She told me it’s because of how I treated her numerous times over the years when she was upset. She could be crying hysterically and I did nothing to console her. My position in whatever argument we were having to cause her hurt, meant more to me than her emotions at that current time. I ignored her, wouldn’t talk to her. I even gave off a vibe that I hated her or was disgusted by her. I basically minimized her feelings when she was hurt, but when I was hurt it was a huge deal! I realize this now. I don’t know why I closed her off like that. She’s said to me multiple times over the years that one day she’s going to resent me if I kept doing that.

    I guess I didn’t take her serious. Now we are in a place where her heart is so hardened towards me, it’s like I’m talking to another person. I’ve told her how sorry I am and that I finally get it. She admits nobody will ever love her as much as I do and also says that I’m a good husband. However, it’s this one main issue, coupled with what she calls “picking on her” (getting mad over stupid/little things all the time), that has got her to this point.

    I love my wife more than anything. We have a 17 month old son, and it breaks my heart we’ve gotten to this point and he may have divorced parents. I don’t want this at all. She means so much to me. She says she may be open to trying to work things out, but she doesn’t know what to do and needs to talk to a therapist for guidance. She supposedly has one picked out and is supposed to talk to her soon. Meanwhile, I feel like I’m in limbo. Not knowing what’s going on.
    I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get my marriage healed and restored. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to act, how to talk to her, what to say, what not to say.

    I hate myself for how I could have just treated her different in that main area and we wouldn’t be in this position. I feel like she has dwelled on this one main character flaw in me for years, and forgot about all the good things I’ve done. She has things about her that I don’t like and irritate me, but nice always put it aside because I think about all the wonderful things I love about her. I don’t know what to do.

    Reply

    1. Dear Jonathan, Your situation is one that is going to require much strength. I hope youre ready with that strength. And as you begin this journey in your marriage from this point onwards, I need you to know one thing, that as messy and bad as things look, no matter what she did, no matter what you did, your marriage can be rectified, reconciled, and restored. So when you come with that strength, add great hope to it too, for your marriage with the grace of God, can be saved.

       I realise your shock at your wife cheating on you with all the anti-cheating perspective of hers. I just need to ask you a question at this point, are you a Church going Bible studying Jesus believing family? You see, Jonathan, there is no one above any temptation. This is why it is important to be a family a focused on the Lord and firstly a person devoted to God yourself and a husband who sees to it that his family is always in the Word of God by you Jonathan teaching your family the Bible, reading and studying the Bible together as a family. You should be praying for your family about everything and be a praying man. Your wife should be supporting you in this. This is the greatest way anyone can help prevent themselves or any of their family members from falling into temptations. So, Jonathan, if you have not being doing this all the time before, let not you or your wife be shocked that this affair has happened. Your wife and yourself have to be grounded in the Word of God and be daily praying and studying the Bible together. And there you are Jonathan, this is the first step you and your wife should take to fix your marriage.

       Secondly, I see what you’re saying about the things that have upset your wife and closed her heart to you. On that let us get one point right, I see you have done wrong things, but I see your wife has done wrong things too, so let’s not solely put the blame on yourself. In life mistakes happen, we all do wrong things, unfortunately for you after much highlighting of the your wrongs which you didn’t correct, you have had to learn the hard way to realise your wrongs. So, well, your wife has cheated with you with another man and says she does not love you anymore. I am very sorry for that Jonathan. Absolutely sorry. I did like the points that your wife said that she knows that she will never find a person who will ever love her like you did and that you are a good husband. In the middle of my tears for your marriage those words bring a smile to my heart. That is because Jonathan, this reveals very great hope for your marriage. You are a very good person Jonathan. You are a good husband. We are all not perfect so fine you have done some wrong things in your marriage, we all do that. So with those statements from your wife, let us keep the hope for your marriage too. Let us work on showing your wife that good and loving husband that you really are. And how do we do that. To your love for your wife, you now need learn to add the ingredient of care for your wife. Care is one of the ingredients of love. And the one thing about care, is that for it to be felt by the other, it has to be something done in practice. Practice showing your love care. Make some changes in your life to start caring more for your wife. Make sure that you yourself Jonathan change to be an individual who cares more and is able to show and do more caring things for your wife. When you go for counselling, see if they can resolve any issues that might have caused you to prioritise the promotion of hurt of your wife during arguments. See what it is that caused you to be fine giving her impressions that she disgusts you and that you resent her. When you find out all about why you could have done this, you need to remove all that negative from your life. We all argue in marriages, but let us not seek to hurt the other in marriage but seek to find an amicable solution to whatever it is that has caused the argument.

       That brings me to the next step to take in your marriage. You both need to go for marriage counseling together and also individually. Sit down with your wife and agree on the counseling sessions and counselors to see. You mention your wife is willing to take steps to fix the marriage if it’s possible, so this is another step to take. If you’re going to a Church, then I suggest you also talk to your pastors and marriage counsellors and mentors to see if they can help you both in this very difficult period you are both going through. But be very careful who you choose to talk to, I know with the extent things are at in your marriage you might find it uncomfortable to talk to your church folks so that is also understandable. If you find you cannot talk to your church folks, then seek some Christian based Jesus believing counselling to help you restore your marriage. Once again, be very careful whom you choose to counsel your marriage. Choose people who support the restoration of your marriage in a Godly way, people who are truly Jesus believing God fearing.

       So you do not know what to do or say, what not to say or how to act in the meantime while all this is going on in your marriage. On this an immediate prequsite is required in your marriage. Your wife needs to stop seeing this person she is cheating on you with immediately. If we are to push for the reconciliation of your marriage this affair has to be stopped immediately. It has to go. Now the question is how. You might have to sit with her and discuss her not seeing this man again while you both work on figuring out the best way to move forward with your marriage hopefully with an aim of restoration. You can even discuss it in counselling and seek for that affair to end immediately as you and your wife work on your marriage. Also be careful how you go about talking to her about this whichever way you choose to talk to her because it could be a stir of resentment in her again also. And in the meantime, Jonathan just pick yourself and change what you can in yourself for the improvement of your marriage. Those things you say you did wrong before, change them and just do the right thing. Say the loving words you want, do the caring actions you have not done in the past. Show your wife love and care, show her the changed man you are today that she can be guaranteed to see in you still in the next one hundred years if she decides to stay with you and keep her marriage. You just change to be a better man in yourself Jonathan, and as you do that it will also reflect by you being a better husband. You can do this Jonathan. As hard as it is, continue a normal life too with your wife as you are going through this terrible time, tell her you love her, do things as much as you can as a family, show her love and care etc.

       Another small point I’d like to mention is this, I notice you put cameras up when you left for your midnight shift. I cannot say anything much at all about your job pattern as I don’t know it. Reading your post I also do not think your job pattern or shift is an issue in your marriage. However, make sure for me please that your shift pattern is not contributing to the problems in your marriage. If in anyway it is, then it is something that needs to be immediately looked into thank you.

       And now to another crucial step I need you to take is that I need you to go onto Amazon and buy two copies of a book called: A New Season (a Robertson love story of brokenness and redemption) by Al and Lisa Robertson. Give one copy to your wife and encourage her to read it. Keep one copy for yourself and read it too. As you both read through the book with your wife, find opportunities to discuss what you are reading when possible. You can even both set a section to be read each day or week and meet to discuss what you have read. I recommend this book to you because it is an exact replica of a marriage of what your are going through and how they worked to restore their marriage. It is better to be told all about it by those who have been down the same road even through a book the people have written. I also need you to extensively read two topics of this website: Emotional and Physical Affair; and Surviving Infidelity. These two topics are filled with resources on the things to do and the steps to take at this point in your marriage. Make sure you read them please.

       Finally, Jonathan, don’t ever waste your time hating yourself for your part in the wrong going of your marriage. Life is about learning as we go. Your hatred of yourself could hinder the restoration of your marriage. You prevent yourself being a better person by hating yourself. Learn from the past and be a better person by correcting your wrong ways. Do not create more problems in your marriage and overall life by hating yourself. God loves you and will always will, so start back loving yourself. It shall be well.

       And oh, by the way, do not worry much at the moment about your wife saying she doesn’t love you anymore. It could be just a confusion due to the fact that she is in an affair. She possibly feels her love for you still deep down in her heart. We just have to light it up back again. She will hopefully find and realise her love for you soon once you start both working together to restore your marriage. And, Jonathan, after this affair your wife is having, when finally your wife decides to stay in her marriage, she is also going to need your extra extra support. Be ready to give it. You love her and want to keep your marriage and wife and family. Do the best you can. I wish you all the best in your marriage and its restoration. I will be praying much for you. I am actually going to fast for your marriage. God Bless You Jonathan.

       Reply

13. Hello my story goes like this. I’ve been married 8+ years, have 4 boys, but work in the oil field. Right now I’m only home every two weeks. I have treated my wife badly with words during fights and didn’t do much around the house when I was home. She said that she isn’t in love me anymore but she still loves me. I’ve been horrible to let this get this far. But what should I do to prove to her that I am making a change to be a better man and husband. I have already talked to my pastor and she knows this. I really want to fix this and she is apathetic to my words. But she did say she would work on it, as well.  

    But is there anything I can do from work or a hotel that doesn’t cost a lot? FYI she works as well.

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    1. Jason, Please don’t make the emphasis on PROVING to your wife that you’re a better man and husband. Work to BE a better man and husband and father because you know it’s the right thing to do. Whether this PROVES anything to your wife or not, the point is like you said, you have been “horrible” and you need to work to do better. You need to be the man God created you to be. Do this beyond your short term goal of proving anything. If you take the emphasis off of proving and instead look to and work to grow into being a better man all the way around “from this day forward”, then your wife could eventually trust that this isn’t just a “quick fix” of a marriage situation gone bad (and then you’ll go back to your old ways), but instead see that you’re sincere that you want to change. That will give her hope, and help her to fall back in love with you again… plus it’s the right thing to do.

       Humble yourself before God. Pray for Him to direct you to learn to grow to live as a better man, husband and father (remember that you’re continually teaching your 4 boys how to treat their future wives by the way you treat your wife –their mother). Don’t stop short of doing what you should. Go into the “For Married Men” topic of this web site. Pray, read, and glean through every bit of that information, using what will help you in this journey. This stuff works, believe me. It’s biblical… so believe God. The principles are sound –whether you live at home everyday or only every two weeks. Also, go into the “Assorted Marriage Issues” topic and you will see several articles posted on the subject of the spouse being away that could help you as you read, glean and adapt some of those ideas that would work for you. There are other topics that could help you too like “Communication and Conflict” plus using some of the “Communication Tools” and others. Our web site is filled with articles and “tools” that can help you. But it’s just like with any tools, if you don’t pick them up and use them, they can’t help you. Be pro-active and intentional in doing so. This can be good for you and for your wife, family, and your marriage.

       Become a student of marriage and of your wife. Learn what you should about being a good man, a good husband, and father. You vowed to do this in your wedding vows, I’m sure. Now follow through on your promises. THAT is what will build confidence in your wife that you are committed to her and in keeping your promises.

       I sense that you’re a good guy Jason… you’ve just taken your eye off the ball and went into an unhealthy direction. You need to change that. Your wife needs to see that you are her partner, whether you’re at home physically, or working in the oil field. Your being gone for 2 weeks at a time brings its own set of challenges for your wife, but it CAN work. However, when you act in hostile ways, plus what appears to her to be uncaring, and uninvolved in your married life when you ARE home, plus you neglect her basic needs as a woman and wife (which are different than yours –you need to learn that), you put your marriage in jeopardy. You also shove temptation her way, which can possibly allow her heart to be drawn away from you in other directions. And trust me when I say that you won’t want the consequences of that.

       Working in the oil fields is not something that sissy’s do. It’s hard work. But so is being a husband –at least a good one. Any guy can be a bad one, just as any woman can be a bad wife. But you have it within you to put the work into being a better man, husband, and father (I keep emphasizing all 3, because each is vitally important). You can do this Jason. I sense with my whole heart that you can. But as you start on this journey, keep in mind that this is not a short sprint… this is a lifestyle change that is needed “from this day forward” –a marathon race to run to get to a greater marriage and way of life. I hope and pray for you that you will do what is needed. It’s SO worth it!

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14. I’m sorry, in more ways than one, at least I feel that way. I’m sorry that I hurt my wife, I’m sorry I disrespected her, I’m sorry I did not cherish what God had given me, my treasure, my wife. I miss her so much. I don’t know what to say, if I should say anything to her, for it has been many months of separation. I don’t know what else to say to God; I know He sees my loneliness and tears. Is she happier now without me, maybe so, maybe I don’t stand a chance of having her back in my arms. No one seems to care, no one calls, no one ask, no one pays any attention to me. If you read this, if you know God, please, please pray for me and my wife’s hardened heart to soften, and for God to tell her to give me another chance. Thanks, Tim

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15. I recently had a bad break up, which caused my wedding not to happen. I cheated on my fiancé and she cancelled the wedding. Everyone was hurt, including both families because of what I have done. I have regretted and repented everyday ever since it happened. And now it seems that she does not want to give our relationship another chance because of what had happened. To make it worse, her family of course, would not love me again the way they loved me before (although I apologized to her parents and her sister).

    I’m really devastated because of what I’ve done. I understand there is no one else to blame but me. But here is the confusing thing, me and my fiance still see each other from time to time. A roller coaster of emotions indeed. But at the end of the day, she always tells me she doesn’t want to work it out. I love her and would do a huge leap of change just for her. What should I do?

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    1. Hi Miguel, I’m very sorry to hear this… and I can imagine you’re regretting this mistake. I think the only thing you can do is to continue to show genuine regret by additional apologies and at the right time, asking your fiancé, AND her family, “What can I do to convince you that I sincerely regret this action, and that I want to marry you and you CAN trust me?”

       I don’t know the background of course… whether this has happened in the past or not. If not… if this is a first time error, then perhaps you have a chance to repair your relationship. You can pray, and hope for the best. I really hope this works our for you… WP (Work in Progress)

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