Reconciling with a Wife Who Has Hardened Her Heart

Reconciling Adobe stock Gefangen“I’m trying everything I can, but my wife just won’t consider reconciling our marriage.”

“I’m doing all I know how to do, but my wife still wants a divorce.”

“My family is split apart, but my wife says ‘no’ to working on reconciling.”

Those are just three of many statements we’ve heard here at Marriage Missions, where the husband is seeking to restore and rebuild their broken marital relationship. Despite their outreach to her, the wife will have no part of it.

They ask us for help and to be perfectly honest, we often aren’t sure how to help them. First off, Steve and I are not Marriage Counselors —we’re Marriage Educators. And many of these types of couples need more help than we can give them. When you’re talking about deep-seeded problems, have been going on a long time before they approach us, it’s seldom something that can be resolved with an obvious solution.

Good Starting Point for Reconciling

But I’ve done some digging into coming up with at least SOME type of “answers” for husbands, hoping they will be a good starting point. When a person feels they are drowning ANYTHING of any substance is better than nothing. This is true, at least, for the immediate moment. And that is what I’m offering here —something of substance to help you in your immediate desperation.

You will need to work through this journey together with God to see how He helps you to unravel this complicated situation. It may or may not end up with the result you desire. However, who knows? It may end up better. I don’t know. But when God is invited in, you can be sure that you will find a place of peace, at some point in time. And it will be the best solution that you can grasp, given the fact that we live in a fallen world. With the Holy Spirit as your “Wonderful Counselor,” you have more going for you than any other way you could ever go.

That doesn’t mean that God won’t use other human counselors and advisors to help you at some point, but as the familiar term goes, “He’s got your back.”

The Bible says in Proverbs 30:21-23:

Under three things the earth trembles…” One of those three things is “an unloved woman who is married.” You may be screaming inside that you WANT to show her love and are willing to do what it takes to give it to her. But for some reason her availability to receive your love is slammed shut.

I don’t know if it is your fault, her fault, the fault of “the perfect storm” of emotions all tangled up, sin run amuck, and/or someone else’s fault. But whatever it is, it is. It’s best to work with what is, rather than work in denial of the truth. It’s important to work with what you CAN do, rather than what you wish you could do. Denial will take you to a dead end, as far as getting any positive results in reconciling with her again.

I’m going to present an article for you to read, to pray over and consider. It may or may not be for you. Or there may be parts, which the Holy Spirit may use to speak to and help you. It’s the gleaning process, in action.

Start With Prayer

Please read through it. Then ask the Lord to help you to keep your mind open to what He wants you to know. A good prayer for you to sincerely express to God is:

Search me O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me
and lead me in the way everlasting.
(Psalm 139:23-24)


There IS a reason your wife’s spirit is closed off to you. It may be one or many or all of the reasons I pointed out earlier. However, you need to know that it didn’t happen overnight. It may seem to you that it did because of how it all came down. But in reality, it has been closing off to you for a while and it just now came to a final closure —one that opened your eyes to the final door slamming shut.

Closed Spirit

A number of years ago, I heard Dr Gary Smalley talk about the process of how a spouse’s spirit closes. He showed an open hand with all of the fingers splayed wide apart. He likened the heart being in the place of the palm of the hand. It’s the soft part of who they are and very vulnerable when nothing is protecting it.

And then he gave examples of different “events,” which can cause a spouse to close a protective finger over their heart. Because of these events, they felt too vulnerable to being hurt again by the “offending” spouse. Sometimes confession and repentance opens the fingers again. But sometimes, the offended spouse never opens up in the same way ever again.

He then showed that sometimes a spouse has been hurt so much over time. The result was that he or she will completely close off in spirit, from the other spouse. The hand looks like a closed fist. There is no part of that “heart,” which is open and vulnerable to the way you can approach it. And sometimes it never opens again.

In his book, Winning Your Wife Back Before It’s Too Late, Gary Smalley writes the following.

He wrote:

Although there are probably hundreds of ways to offend your wife and close her spirit, we consistently see several that top the list. You can close your wife’s spirit when you:

• Speak harsh words.

• Tell her that her opinions don’t matter.

• Act unwilling to admit when you are wrong.

• Take her for granted.

• Make jokes or sarcastic comments at her expense.

• Show that you do not trust her.

• Force her to do something that she’s uncomfortable with.

• Act rude to her in front of others.

• Dismiss her needs as unimportant.

Your wife could probably make up her own list of the things you’ve done to close her spirit.

We consistently get calls from men all around the world who are desperate because their wives just walked out the door. The most devastating part is that many of these men fail to realize that little by little, their actions closed their wives’s spirits. Because this happens internally, many men don’t realize they’ve offended their wives.

And one day the husband comes home to find his wife’s spirit rolled up in a tight ball, like a sow bug. You may not always be aware of what you do to deposit anger into the life of your loved one. However, when it comes to relationships, a preventative rule of thumb is this: whatever dishonors another person usually closes her spirit!

If you have been wondering why your wife left or perhaps why she resists your efforts at reconciliation, the answer is usually found in a closed spirit. The sad reality is, the more a man steps on the spirit of his wife, the more resistant she becomes to him.”

Gary goes on to then state the following:

“Our purpose in writing about a closed spirit is not to make you —who may find yourself with a closed sow bug, instead of an an open wife, feel guilty. It is to provide hope. I have done many things to close the spirit of my wife and the key to reconciliation is to learn how to reopen her spirit.”

I realize THAT’S what you are trying to do. Dr Smalley’s book gives you some ideas, which you may find helpful. They have worked for many husbands. They haven’t worked for others, but you never know until you pray, read, and see if God is leading you that way. For this reason, you may want to obtain the book to consider his advice.

I want to give one more illustration, before I move on from this point. I’m hoping it will help you to see what could have happened with your wife. It was written by someone named Camain, who asked for prayer on the Internet for his wife’s hardened heart.

Referring to his wife, he wrote the following:

“Someone said that she is really hurt, and you’re right, she is. I may not have hit her, or degraded her, or anything like that. But it’s the little things that have added up over the years. Each of those little things was a brick in a wall. Little by little with time being the mortar, that wall has gotten big and hardened.

“At first I tried to bang myself against it, repetitively hitting it. I can’t break this wall down though. The only thing that can is time, Gods help, patience and perseverance. I have to be patient, loving, and humble. I’m trying hard to find and identify all the issues that have caused harm to my marriage. No matter how big or small, I’m trying to ask for forgiveness of them, and stop doing them.”

I can’t help but think of “the earth trembling” because of a wife who feels “unloved” so she closes her spirit, walled off from being open to her husband again —at least, not at this point.

True, we don’t know the circumstances. And true, sin is involved somewhere —you can count on it. But nonetheless, her spirit is closed.

A Helpful Article on Reconciling

I came across an article, which I referred to earlier, believing you will benefit from reading it. I’m hoping that at least SOME of what the author, Reb Bradley has written will help. At the end of this article, he offers additional resources. I need you to know that I don’t know much about Reb or his resources. As a result, I can’t really recommend them. That is up to you.

All I can say is that I saw a lot of credibility in what I was able to read and glean. I encourage you to prayerfully consider all God shows you, for your situation. Below is the link to this article.

Please read:


Above all, I hope that your ultimate goal goes beyond reconciling with your wife. If that is the case, your “solutions” will be most likely be temporary, when and if you do. Ultimately, I hope your ultimate goal is to go to GOD and make sure your life is clean. Do not give your wife added “excuses” as to why she could remain closed in her spirit in reconciling with you.

Also, realize that giving forgiveness and reconciling the marriage are two separate steps. Your wife may have much, which she needs to forgive you for, and much that she needs to surrender to the Lord. But that does not mean that she will seek reconciling with you as husband and wife again. If she doesn’t feel safe with you (physically, spiritually, and/or emotionally), she may decide to forgive you, but she still will not live with you.

Live For God

I can’t account for her actions, and neither can you. This is between her and God. You will need to come to the place where you will live for God, EVEN IF your wife doesn’t join you in marriage again. Are you a man of God who can live like this? Are you a man after God’s own heart?

If you are, and you are sincere, then there is hope for you that you can be reconciled to God AND to your wife. But I don’t know what your wife will do.

I do know though, that God wants to work in and through your life. He wants to do this whether your wife comes back to you or not. It is my sincerest hope you will participate with Him in this mission.

Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.

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Filed under: Bitterness and Forgiveness Save My Marriage

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457 responses to “Reconciling with a Wife Who Has Hardened Her Heart

  1. I am young in God, but 25 years. I recently hurt God and my wife SEVERELY. I was the definition of spiritually compromised, backsliding quicker than I could catch my feet. I struck my wife (a lot of people try to rationalize to what degree they abused) but WRONG is WRONG. I had things I hadn’t dealt with from her adulteries when we were young and not in union under God, and habits she still could not let go (makeup etc) that gave me severe PTSD.

    I lost three relatives, and had to bury my dog in my backyard (which she was there for). None are justification for the pain and defiling I caused my queen. I hurt to the point that it has transferred to physical pain, no dramatization. I sat for two months waiting for her return. The other day she returned. It was short lived; she’s vanished. The only means of communication, she has pulled. My heart aches and screams. I want nothing more then to do what God is asking and rededicated and disciplined myself. Give us and myself to his mercy and oversee.

    I told her I am willing to counsel, give her all space needed, take a stoning (verbally and since I did what I did physically if that is what is necessary) from her family members individually and as group. To work tirelessly just to preserve the only thing that really matters at this point. But she seems hardened; her heart is in rock phase. My tears and promises seem to make no penetration.

    I am afraid of what I may become, to need someone this bad, can’t be healthy. I love God, and am hurt by what I have done to what he gave me as a blessing more than anything, to allow satan and his whispers in my ear. I anguish; I want a time machine. I am reading scripture and trying get back in tune with what God sets as tasks for me as an individual, but a soul like mine is shattered.

    I need immense prayer, I wish God had made us have pre-scripted will, so that we could not do things to ourselves like this. I am not evil or sadistic. I was tormented and not allowing God’s command over my life, thinking I could bench press things that were spiritual. If anybody can give advice to a young man, any similar stories, or just prayer, I am asking. I have been suicidal and just a mess. I just want love back in my life from my father and from my rib. This is a journey I wish on no young man, and I would like to say that if you have communication with your wife but are having turbulence, I encourage you to grab her close and realize that once she leaves, so will your arrogance. IT WILL HURT YOU. Don’t be a fool, love her in God and in your heart NOW so that you don’t have to miss her LATER.

    1. Sorry you’re going through this trauma. I’m in the same exact boat. Exactly what I am now facing and my lack of understanding has brought me to a dead end road with my wife and marriage. It’s as if you depict the very core of my soul as to what I’m feeling and going through. I wish I had the answers and I do, is God first. We’re told in Matthew 6:33-34 (NKJV), “Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.” This is so true… come what may, the Lord has plans for us all.

  2. I’d love to ask some questions about this, but it’s hard to sum up the situation in a comment. Here’s my best attempt:
    I’m the closed off wife. I have no feelings of love, attraction or really even like for my husband. I even left him for 5 months about three years ago. We “reconciled,” but my emotions have never returned. For me, he’s still walled off, self absorbed, using porn (he says he is not, but my suspicions are still there), a deceiver and a controller. To him, he’s changing as much as he can & I’m unreasonable/angry/demanding/unwilling to forgive. I think that the truth is somewhere in the middle. He says he loves me & says he’s sorry, but I don’t feel loved. I am angry – I still feel betrayed for many reasons. He feels I need to accept his apologies and move on.

    So, how do I attempt to move forward with this? The only reason I did not divorce him is because I believe that I made a covenant before God. I want to honor God, so I’m still here. I don’t want to be here, but I’m here. I really don’t want to spend the rest of my life like this, but I don’t feel safe opening my heart to this man. It’s miserable being closed off, but I really don’t know what else to do.

    1. Hello Chrissie, To begin with, you say you are a closed off wife and you are still angry because you feel betrayed. You also have your suspicions that your husband is watching porn though he denies it. You don’t feel loved by your husband as well. Okay. I greatly appreciate your honesty about yourself. Let us now take a moment to look at this scenario of your marriage.

      It is such a noble thing that you have not divorced your husband because you want to honour your covenant before God. You said you once left your husband for five months three years ago and “reconciled”. You feel your husband is still walled off, self absorbed, a deceiver and a controller. Firstly, it was a great thing to reconcile with your husband after five months apart, but it was of paramount importance also that with the reconciliation, steps and goals were put in place to work on and improve your marriage and relationship. What measures did you both put in place to cater for this? Did you just reconcile and put no measures in place to work on the marriage? If so, then that was a mistake because as a result of not putting measures in place when you reconciled, three years after the reconciliation we still have problems, most of the problems which seem to have been the cause of the separation in the first place.

      I understand the way you feel about your husband at the moment, so please don’t blame yourself or hit hard on yourself for the way you feel. From your description of your husband there is a lot of work to be done on his part to improve this marriage. To begin with it sounds like he is forcing you to accept his apologies. He cannot tell you to just accept the apologies and move on. It is great that he has apologised, but he needs to give you time also to forgive him and let things go.

      And during this time of giving you time to accept his apologies, he should be doing things to show that he is a changed man and that he is working on improvement. Now the fact that he tells you that you should just forgive and move on is a great reason why you still feel angry towards him. The more he does this the more he is going to get you angry, and the harder you will find it to completely forgive him and hence why you are closed off towards him. And his lack of change will leave you too with no reason or ability to forgive and move on. All his behaviour towards you is a total reason why you are closed off.

      Your husband is saying that he is changing as much as he can. It seems to me that there is very slow change in him or none at all. The fact that he even says that he is changing as much as he can shows two things. First, that deep down in his heart he knows himself that he has not made any adequate change over the given time. Second, it shows that there is a lot more your husband needs to get over and change in himself.

      So what do you do now? This could the hardest step for you both. The first thing is that you both need to pray for your marriage. You both, especially your husband, need to go to marriage counselling sessions. Find a marriage counselling service, it could be from your church or your local counselling services. Please note that counselling will be mainly only successful if both of you go for counselling, so if your husband refuses, that will be a bad situation. Go to Church every Sunday and learn the Word of God. Both of you need to start having some Bible study moments together. It is also important that you both find a few hours during the week which are set aside for only you two to do some activities together. At the moment I recommend activities outside your home such as movies, bowling, the mall etc., this will help lessen arguing.

      I know that he says he is changing as much as he can, but it is now greatly worth it and important to set goals for change for the better of your marriage. He has to sit down with you and come up with an agreed plan for his progress for change, and yes, also at a faster pace but not over pushing. You see it is also important that you don’t spend too long a time in love problems in a marriage, that could be very costly.

      To add on, you say that you are not feeling safe to open your heart to this man. It is probably because of the way he is still doing a lot of things. I suggest that you don’t force yourself to open your heart. Give yourself time and if your husband does the changes, you will automatically find yourself opening your heart. It will come naturally. If you force yourself to open your heart, you will only get to resent him more especially when you still see no change in him. So please take your time and let your heart heal too.

      You don’t feel like you want to be in the marriage but you are there I gather you say. There will be days like that when you feel like you don’t want to be in the marriage, especially in your situation, but I encourage you past that feeling and keep on in there. There could be a change for the better in your husband or marriage just round the corner. And by any chance if your husband is actually watching porn then this is one of the greatest disasters in a marriage. So if you find out he is truthfully watching porn, then encourage him to seek support to stop this immediately and if you can by any means possible and if you are willing, then support him in his journey for help to stop watching porn.

      And now a sentence or two on a sad note. I hope your husband will change soon, sometimes it could take a short time sometimes a long time. And sadly sometimes the change may never happen. I hope your marriage works and never breaks down. You need to see marriage builders, attend marriage courses and attend marriage counselling. With the right input your marriage can grow from minimal to become a very great happy marriage. God Bless You Chrissie.

    2. Open your heart to Christ, and model that for your husband so He can be saved by doing the same, and remember that biblical live is always a CHOICE before it’s ever an enduring emotion! In Christ, Andrew

  3. My wife has suffered from a social anxiety/panic disorder since childhood. In the past, she has gotten physical with me. This Summer, she got into debt, to the tune of about 60K, when I was working out of state for the last 4 years, getting my social security retirement built up and we would see each other on weekends. We are both in our early 60’s. We had a great retirement party for me in May this year. In June, the bills came in and she went bankrupt in July. She wouldn’t give me access to her account until the end of July, where I took over paying all of the household bills and managed her account too. We had to repossess her car in September. I let her use my car to go to work. At the end of September, we blew up over the use of my car one morning before work. She got physical with me again where she wrestled with me over the car keys and she tried to choke me to get them. She told me she would call her ex-husband Steve, (who still owns the house we rent) in order to get the keys to the car. I threw the keys on the kitchen floor and she left for work.

    I left the house that afternoon and got a temporary place to live in another town close by. I texted her that I wasn’t going to come back unless she got counseling with our pastor for her anger. She texted back to me that she didn’t want to talk to anyone, that we were done, and that she was afraid of me and that I hurt her for the last time and that she didn’t love me anymore! I said fine, then I will get my car back on Wednesday. I got my car back. She then texted me again that she couldn’t believe that I could hurt her like that, taking my car back; that we were really done now!

    I said OK, since you don’t love me anymore, I will take my phone back too, since she lost her phone, since she couldn’t pay the bill. Her son paid off all of her debt that weekend, and is pushing her to divorce me. We have been separated for 4 months now. We see each other on Wednesdays at the house, where she does my laundry. I have been doing some minor repair work at the house for her and in return, she has let me sleep over with her, in our bed, but no sex is involved. I still love her and I just wanted her to get counseling with our pastor. She still won’t.

    I wrote up a separation agreement, since I am a paralegal, but she doesn’t want to get divorced until her son reviews the separation agreement and says we need to process the divorce, which will be in January, after Christmas break. She says she just doesn’t want to do it right now, but in January. She still says she doesn’t love me, but also doesn’t want another man in her life as well and that she doesn’t want to be married again.

    I wrote up a “plan” that she has agreed to that:

    1- We both agree to send the divorce through in January.
    2- We will have an exclusive dating arrangement after the divorce, where will be “friends with benefits”, but live in separate homes, 15 miles apart.
    3- We agree not to have sex with anyone else, or date anyone else.
    4- We will have a “common law” marriage arrangement and we will both wear our wedding rings.
    5- When her son is paid back, I may be able to move back into the house in four years, when my wife retires.

    I am spending the night on Christmas night and she is coming to my house for an overnight stay on New Year’s eve. She says no sex though, until after we are divorced. I have since counseled with a psychologist, who says she might be Bi-Polar, or have a Borderline personality disorder in addition to her SAPD. I still love her. She says her love for me is “buried deep down” and that she needs space to heal, but still wants a divorce and likes our “plan”! She gives me mixed messages all of the time. I can come over to the house and stay over as long as I do things that help her out as much as I want, but still no sexual contact. A lot of flip-flopping on all issues. I know she is mentally ill.

    Can my marriage be saved? What should I do? She won’t go to counseling, because she cannot confront the truth of her mental illness or other fault or short commings. Help! MDH

  4. I am 57. My family culture history was marriage and unconditional love or togetherness for life knowingly and acceptingly. Simple philosophy, which was mentally accepted and averted all the negative reasons for leaving in todays relationships. I never fought or was disloyal or irresponsible in maintaining a home for us. I have noticed in many relationships over the years that do not work that men become complacent over time and woman become bored and controlling to mitigate what is perceived a man’s lack of attention. Usually the one who leaves magnifies every inconvenience and ill emotion to justify our failure and always criticize the other for it (when there is no physical or verbal or social abuse etc.) Our legal system makes matters much worse when its policy is to judicate separation without finding fault and allow opportunism and reward almost automatically for one over the other. (This is no sarcasm or exaggeration.)

    I bring this all up because in a world of new found freedoms and immense “personal rights to everything” this present system of justice is only aiding the new majority of immature and irresponsible people who abuse it and advocates the destruction of family and children who grow up experiencing it. If courts cannot judge on fault and immaturity as well as “abuse”, then they should not be in the business at all. If the church and its vows cannot be upheld, and have lost the institution to the state, then marriage should be illegal. Only in this way will people think about what they do before they do it.

  5. My wife is 54 years old, we still live together, but, she tells me the I’m only the father of her kids, but she has no feelings for me. Actually she is looking for love in the wrong places. She has had, that I know, three affairs, which I believe were physical. One I know was, because she told me. Actually she wanted to leave and go live with him, but he told her only wanted sex.

    Right now she’s flirting with one man that she met on Facebook or might also work where she works. I do not know what I did wrong. She does not tell me; she says the love is gone. I tried different things and nothing happens.
    Any advice?

    By the way I remain at home because of my covenant with God. I do not believe in divorce, does not matter what, but it is hard to live like this.

    1. Juan, I am so sorry you are finding yourself in this place in your life right now. I can only imagine the pain and heartache you must be experiencing and how I wish I had a three point plan I could give you that would fix all of your relationship problems with your wife. Sadly, there is no quick fix. And from your description your wife doesn’t have so much a hardened heart as she does a rebellious heart. Not only is her heart hard towards you but is hard towards God and what His word says about marriage. We will pray with you that the Lord will break her heart and get her to realize her sin and that she will repent and turn back to God and then turn back to the covenant of your marriage. We admire you for your stand to remain faithful and true to her, no matter what may come. She may think she can get away with this kind of behavior and escape consequences, but the Bible says God will not be mocked. For your own spiritual well being get involved in a good Bible teaching/living church where there may be some men you can fellowship with. You need to draw your strength from those who can uphold you in your mission to save your marriage. Blessings, Juan!

      1. Hello. OMG! Lord knows I needed to read this. That was me after the separation from my now ex husband in 2017. I had gained a closed spirit. I was very hurt that the man I once loved with all my heart would not change. I was with my ex husband for 8 yrs before we married; our relationship was shaky. Ee had plenty of break-up/and make-up. I was the one that kept running back to him like a sad puppy. You know women, we love hard sometimes. My ex-husband was controlling, self-centered, selfish, cocky, mentally/verbally abusive. He could be cold hearted at times also and tight with money.

        I had three children from previous marriage and they really did not get alone with him because they did not appreciate how he treated me. I got fed up with my now ex husband because he refused to go to counseling at the time; he used to tell me to leave a lot, to go live with my Aunt when we got into arguments. So eventually I did. I moved in with her. He owned the house before we married. He also bought a new car after we married that I helped contribute to. He was possessive of our material things.

        I had gotten my tubes untied in 2015 to have a child for him because he asked me to. I did because I felt he loved me so much but I did so before we even married. We had a precious baby boy – he is now three. During our separation he did try to get back with me but I kept refusing at first; then one day I was gonna go back but he said something to me and made me realize he did not change. We even went to a couple of marriage counseling sessions. It did not work out because I felt he was not sincere. I stopped being intimate with him. I now have my own apartment; our son lives with me but he gets him on weekends.

        He kept trying to get back with me but was not showing me any change so he said he would file for divorce. I told him do so and I would agree but I was not gonna file because he was the cause of our separation. I finally got papers in the mail showing he filed for divorce. It kind of hurt me at first but my heart was still cold at that time. Then I got a letter in the mail that the judge signed for our divorce and it was a done deal. I was a little sour about it but my heart was still cold. It did not hit me until later when I realized that my ex husband got another woman; he moved on fast! OMG!

        I was crushed; my cold heart then realized that I still have love for him. My divorce was just finalized 04/2019. I got so depressed after I found out he’s sleeping with another woman and actually really divorced me! I got so sick, lost weight could not really eat. I started reminiscing about our old times; the fun times we had together. Last week I texted my ex husband letting him know that I realized that I still loved him and that I was just so hurt and at that time my heart was not healed. He txted me back and told me that it’s a done deal now that he moved on and the lady he is with is special to him. I was so crushed by hearing him say that but then I told him that he told me that he loved me like a couple months ago thru text messages. He told me that it changed in that short period of time.

        He said he gave me two years to return to his home before he divorced me and I did not go back to him so he moved on. I told him that it was possible that we can try to reconcile our marriage and take it slow and date again. He was not trying to hear me; I guess the lady he’s with is really that special. It’s hurts because it was a short period of time and I just can’t believe he could move on that quick.

        I want my ex husband back but I am not sure if it would work where we could remarry or not, but I heard it works for some. One big issue will be his mom. Long story with her because she contributed to our divorce; she tried to run our home. I let God deal with her. I know he has a mind of his own, but still. She won’t agree with us trying to work on a relationship. I know I can’t change my ex husband’s heart but I know God can, if it’s in his will, and if not I just have to try to accept what’s present and move on. But thanks so much for this most needed page; it described who I was after I left my ex husband. My heart was just so cold but not anymore. God bless.

  6. This article speaks perfectly to the situation I’m currently in with my wife. I lied for years and had an addiction to pain meds that killed our marriage. I was dishonest about everything and she finally closed her heart. I just completed a 6 month faith based life recovery program and my walk with the Lord is closer than ever before. I’m praying for reconciliation but I know that above all I have to stay in close intimate relationship with God. This article really opened my eyes to some things and I appreciate you guys writing it. God Bless.

  7. My name is Christian and I have been with my wife for 6 years and married for 3 years. We have 2 beautiful kids together. Throughout my marriage with my wife, I have hurt her miserably (emotionally). I was not faithful in my marriage a few times because I felt like my wife was not giving me the attention I desired. My wife now wants a divorce and blames me for everything. She hates my guts, my face; everything. She stated that our whole 6 years of being together was a bunch of lies.

    As years went by, we always did the ” lets start over” phase and do better but for no longer than a month. As time went by, more resentment was formed. I did hurt my wife and now she is crushed. She states she loves me and is no longer “in love” with me and can never love me anymore.

    I’m really torn about this as I am deeply in love with her more than I can ever imagine. She is my world. She is my rock, she is indeed my soulmate and I would do anything just to have her love back. I am currently fighting with a lot of thoughts and some of those being suicidal. I now hate myself for all the pain I have caused her. How low of a guy can I have been to allow my wife to be hurt for so many years.

    I am officially lost. I don’t know if my marriage will ever end up working. There’s no trust or a want on her end for me anymore. I’m afraid that my marriage is really over but I also have that slightest gut feeling that I may have a small fighting chance and I’m willing to take that fight. I’m willing to fly and land this plane and fix this.

    So I’m asking for all prayer warriors to lift my wife and I up in prayer so that God can hold us and keep us and change our selfish ways of living and looking at our marriage. I write this with so many tears in my eyes. I lost all my strength once; hers was lost because of me.

    1. Hi Christian, One thing is for sure…you are honest and are now aware of the issues. I’m praying that you are growing in your relationship with God, seeking His divine wisdom and letting His love inspire you to keep fighting for your marriage, but yet giving your wife space to let God do His work in her as well. Yet, you must also be willing to let her go if that’s what it comes down to…but, continue on the path that God has for you. Praying that you continue to persevere through this season – learning the lessons you have to learn and implementing permanent changes that will make you better in all your relationships. May you look forward to each day knowing God is with you and for you and in time everything will work out for the best.

  8. I’ve been in married for 12 years. It’s now been 4 months me and my wife separated. We’ve got 4 beautiful girls together. My first born is turning 18 years now and she’s old enough that she can see exactly what is happening between me and her mum. I try all I can do to get her back but she doesn’t even respond back to my messages. I’m just scared that I won’t get her back. I really love her and just wish 1 day she will come back to me. I pray day and night but it’s just look like it’s not enough. I really love her and just wish if she could see that I don’t even know where she is staying or who is she staying with; maybe she’s got someone to stay with her who gives her love that maybe I could not give her.

  9. I am a lost man married at a young age. I have cheated and let lust get in our way. I love my Lord our savior; I just don’t know how to say sorry to people I have hurt. She shows I love with no strings attached; she gives me her all when I only gave it what I had to. Paid for everything when we started and now I make her pay half for everything. I only buy her things to make her feel bad about what she has done. Now can I really call myself a man? Do I really deserve the chance to be in God’s hands? Has my life fallen all around me and I can’t do anything to stop it? I Have money and everything I want besides the woman I once loved. All I have now is this angry rock that lays with me as we sleep. What should I do with this lifeless life I am living?

    1. Hi, Christian. I have ONE THING you can do that can dramatically change you, your wife, and your marriage. Get the book, Cherish: The One Word That Changes Everything for Your Marriage“> by Gary Thomas.

      This book has revolutionized thousands of marriages and has taught me further what Cindy needs most from me – to cherish her. Believe it or not there is a difference between loving your wife and cherishing her. Gary lays it out very clearly how you can begin to do this for your wife; and eventually, when your wife is ready, it will also teach her how to cherish you. But while this book can teach you “how” to do this it will be up to you to do what is necessary if you want it to be successful. I truly hope you will follow through on this and then eventually write back on our web site to tell us how it worked for you. Blessings! ~Steve Wright

  10. This article gives me no hope for my marriage. My wife heart is hard and she has turned my children against me. Our problems stem from emotional abuse on my part due to depression. I have asked for forgiveness renewed my relationship with God and asked Him for reconciliation. Trusting in his word for all that and am getting a little tired of articles like this that nullify or water down His ability to heal and resurrect and reconcile. He does not need us to make excuses for Him as to why something is not happening. I choose to stand on His promises and cling to examples in the bible of restoration, revival and reconciliation believing that He will restore my marriage making it better than it ever been.

  11. Hi, my name is Bryan. I am an alcoholic and have jealousy issues from childhood I guess.. Or MAYBE a demon of jealousy. I have treated by wife bad for years, 20 years to be exact. We’ve been married for 18. Recently I got jealous and put my hands on her and scratched her face. I am so ashamed of myself and I was in a drunk black out.. NO EXCUSE. She has closed her heart and took off her wedding ring. I think she might be having an affair too. NO proof just phone calls to another man, which I have asked her not to do on the house phone. But she still has.

    I love her so much and I am so heart broken; I feel like I would rather die than go through this pain I am feeling. We have 3 children and one of them is just starting to talk. I don’t want to lose my family and not be able to see her or them every day. This is the most pain I have ever felt. It’s hard work and hard to breathe. She hasn’t moved out but I feel it is coming. I beg her to reconcile but she keeps saying no. I love the Lord but it feels like He has left me. I don’t know what to do. Feels like I am losing my soul. I am willing not to take another drink but it feels like too little too late. God, please help me. Can some one pray for me. I feel like I am going to die.

  12. You are like society today. Blame the man. The Homer the dumb male. He is the problem you jump to. Marriage and the life are much more complicated than that. But you just keep on blaming the man completely. There are very few relationships that are so one sided as you have laid out. Everyone was part of the problem and everyone needs to be part of the solution. Hardening your heart is a sin. The opposite of Christ.

  13. Hi, It’s Farshid from Iran. I’ve been Christian for 10 years. 2 years ago I married a godly girl who has been converted to Christ. After a year passed we had a problem but I neglected the problem and tried to ignore the fact that was obviously there. Two months ago she left me. I pray a lot, connect to a counselor to find out what is the final solution. I tried a lot one and after one to talk with her we solved the problem but she closed her heart and insists on a divorce. I really love her and I don’t want to lose her. I repent before the Lord our God and pray a lot.

    At the moment I can’t see her, talk with her, and I really feel lonely, and hopeless. I thought that she would live with me for a lifetime. I read the article and I found it useful. First, I need your prayer for me because I am not calm. I cry every day and ask God to kill me because this life is like nightmare to me. I cannot imagine why this storm happened for us. We really loved each other but at this moment she says, “I hate you, and the only thing that I want from God is to never see you again!” Please pray for me and for us and guide me how I can come out from this hell! Thank you.

  14. Assuming the wife in this article is a professed Christian, the article appears to say forgiveness and reconciliation are two completely separate things. This may be the world’s teaching, but it contradicts Scripture (Matt 5:24; Col. 1:20-22). Imagine Jesus saying to someone, “I forgive you — but since I don’t feel safe, you can’t be with me”.

    And why does it matter that a spouse doesn’t “feel safe” with the other or how hurt they are? The Bible teaches keeping one’s vows trumps feelings. He who swears to his own hurt and changes not shall abide with God (Psalm 15:4). A person who vows and does not keep it is foolish in the understanding of the Lord (Eccl. 5:5). Furthermore, a person choosing to willfully remain in a divorced state is a covenant breaker, or which thing Paul said makes one worthy of spiritual death (Rom. 1:31-32). The reason this is so is because the decision is based on a lie.

    Ultimately, the spouse refusing reconciliation is accountable to God for their own sin and needs to repent of it. If not, despite any claim they may have in considering themselves a Christian, I would assert their conduct severs their relationship with God (1 John 3:18, 4:20).

    1. This is so true. I admit that we as men need to own up to the pain we caused our wives but if they seperate from us with the intention of divorce they are living in sin. Especially if the hardened spouse leaves for another man or woman. That is adultery and that brings God’s judgement of eternal seperation from God in Hell. I don’t believe in once saved always saved. If you habitually live in sin you will go to Hell.