My husband, Ron, admits that he used to be jerk, but I discovered a secret formula that turned him into a loving husband. I started treating him like a VIP! Ron always wanted me to respect him, but I thought he had to earn it and I had to feel it, before I could do it. Wrong.
We women are very good at pointing out our husbands’ faults and failures and punishing them for not meeting our needs, but that only leads to discontent and distance in our marriages. We all know that yelling, nagging, and belittling are disrespectful and ineffective. So I’m suggesting a radical concept: Treat him like a king, and eventually, he will begin to treat you like a queen.
Act Respectfully
Instead of waiting for him earn your respect, behave respectfully and you could watch him grow into the man God designed him to be.
Twenty five years ago, our marriage was on the brink of divorce. I was controlling, critical and disrespectful so Ron was defensive and angry. We were both Christians but neither of us was living a spirit-filled life. I was letting my emotions determine my actions and thought it was Ron’s job to make me happy. But through a series of miracles (read my book for the whole story) we made a decision to rebuild our marriage.
The Plan
We went to a Christian counselor who read Ephesians 5:33. “Nevertheless let each one of you so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” He said, “Nancy, the only way you will win Ron back and stay married is if you begin to respect your husband.” I knew he was right so I swallowed hard and came up with a plan.
Here are three of the ways I began to respect Ron: They are easy to remember because they spell out the goal—to treat him like a V.I.P.
Respect him Verbally, Intellectually, and Physically.
Verbally: Cut out (ok… cut back) complaining and add in compliments.
If you want to have a peaceful, happy marriage, learn the art of the compliment. Compliments are like magnets and the more you compliment your husband the more he will be attracted to you. Begin to notice when he does it right and verbally encourage him by complimenting him at least once a day.
If you are having a hard time thinking of anything to admire, consider these categories: physical traits, mental skills, financial strengths, spiritual growth, or healthy relationships with others (children, parents, or friends).
Why Should I?
You may be asking “Hey, why should I compliment him when he NEVER compliments me?” It’s because, if you want your marriage to grow and bloom, you’ll have to water it with kindness and encouragement. Then, as he sees your sincere efforts, he will begin to change too. Don’t give up.
If you do need to bring up a difficult issue, place it between two compliments, also known as a “Compliment Sandwich.” Here’s an example, “Honey, I know how hard you work for our money and that Sally’s braces will be expensive, but I need your decision before her appointment tomorrow. I hope we can do this for her, but if you want to wait, I trust your judgment. What should I tell the orthodontist?”
Intellectually:
Men like to solve problems and fix things. So appeal to his intelligence by asking him to help you solve a problem. Instead of saying “This garage is a mess, clean up your camping stuff!” Try, “I’d like your help with something. Could you figure out a storage system for all the camping supplies?”
Don’t imply that he isn’t smart. Instead of saying “I think you are wrong about…” Say, “I’m confused about… please explain it again” (Remember to keep your tone of voice sarcasm-free.)
Request his help on Spiritual matters too.
Ask him to explain a passage of Scripture or ask him to pray for you when you are going through a difficult time. If your husband is not the spiritual leader in your home, continue to pray for him and ask him if there is anything you are doing that is hindering his relationship with God.
Men don’t give a lot of weight to feelings—show them facts and they’ll be more likely to listen. For example: if he wants to buy a car that you think is too expensive, don’t launch into a hissy-fit, write out your monthly expenses and ask him what other things should be cut out in order to buy his car. Let the facts speak for you.
When you cannot reach an agreement, instead of trying to wear him down by nagging or crying say, “Is that your final decision or can I still try to convince you?” If it’s his final decision, then honor it. It’s freeing—let him carry the responsibility of your family.
Physically:
Physically ask what he would like you to do and then, do it. Find out what his top three needs are. Ron likes the laundry done, sex a least twice a week (guaranteed!) and he likes me to keep my “girly-make-up stuff” off of the bathroom counter. If these top needs are met, he’s content and easy to get along with. I know it sounds simple, but each of us have different things that make us feel loved and appreciated. You won’t know what he wants unless you ask him.
Be aware of your body language. You can communicate disrespect by rolling your eyes, crossing your arms, or slamming doors. Reflect your new decision to respect your husband in your heart, mind, and body.
Change your attitude and actions
Respect is both a verb and a noun. It’s an action and an attitude. So begin today to respect your husband in thought, word, and deed. He will be more willing and able to give you the love and affection you need if he is respected and admired. When I began to respect my husband, he was skeptical at first. However as he saw that I was committed to change, he began to treat me differently—lovingly. We now teach at couples’ events, helping others discover the blessings of true love in action.
Ask the Lord to strengthen you as you obey His word.
Remember:
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13)
This article is adapted from the great book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome: How to Grow Affair Proof Hedges Around Your Marriage
Author Nancy C Anderson and her husband Ron, speak nationally to couples’ groups of all denominations. They share their message of hope and restoration with tenderness and humor. If you live in the United States and would like for them to speak with your group please contact them at www.RonAndNancyAnderson.com. You may also want to visit their blog at www.joyfulmarriage.blogspot.com.
Filed under: For Married Women
(SOUTH AFRICA) Thank you for this article. It just opened my eyes to so many things. It’s about honoring God and not myself by treating my husband with respect. Sometimes I don’t think he deserves it, but in the end, it’s not about me, it’s about God. What you reap is what you sow.
(USA) Well stated. We, by nature, become so consumed with pleasing our husbands that we lose ourselves. Respect that husband, but don’t lose respect for yourself. It’s bad when we sometimes have to demand respect. Pray, pray, pray. God hears and answers prayer; not all the time the way we think, but He will answer the earnest pure prayer of the righteous. All we want is to be loved.
Some men, including my own husband, really don’t have a clue. Like you’ve stated, we reap what we sow. Sow love, show love, tend the field, and expect to be blessed. Be encouraged and trust God, even when it seems as if He is not hearing your prayer. God is faithful.
(ZAR) This is exactly what I have been struggling with … therefore my visit to this website. I am blessed by what I read here and will carry on my search on this website for similar articles. Gob Bless
(DENMARK) I too needed this article. You have no idea how much I needed to read this. I was making all the mistakes written, even commenting on the messy garage. Every example written was for me. The Holy Spirit really lead me to this page. Thank you so much for writting it and sharing from your own experience in order to help others.
(USA) I have tried this before, MANY times – Treat him like a King, but I still get nothing in return. I make dinner for him nightly, keep the house clean, praise him for the great things he does around the house, let him go hunting all the time, etc. You know, I’m never going to leave him or give up on him, so do you have any other suggestions? What am I doing wrong?
(USA) You should ask him =) communication and patience. If he is mean for no reason… continue to pray, keep away from sin, and God will give you the strength.
(USA) I am having a hard time with these comments. Why haven’t the men tried to respect YOU to get respect back? I am challenged by the fact that it is always the woman’s job to make the man happy, keep peace in the house and compromise for the good (or bad) of the marriage. Sometimes IT IS OK to get out of a marriage that is no longer respectful… especially if children are involved. Do you want your children modeling after fathers that don’t respect their mothers?
(USA) You cannot assume the men haven’t tried. You are hearing only one side of the story. Scripture is pretty clear, husbands love your wives; wives respect your husbands. The command to wives is not predicated on anything other than the pre-condition that they are married. Likewise for the command to husbands.
So the respect given the husband is not something that has to be earned by the husband. (I think a husband will rise to that level, feeling obligated to live up to the respect given him in most cases.) Instead that respect is commanded by God. If God says it, who are we to argue that we cannot respect or love our spouse?
(USA) I disagree. If you leave a marriage when there are children involved they learn that marriages are disposable and they should live by their feelings and for the moment. If you stay in the marriage, pray and work it out then think of the blessings your children will have heaped upon them: not only will they have an intact family with a mother and father who love each other, but they will also see that hard work pays off, that God is faithful, that they are not powerless to change things, that there is always hope, that marriages CAN improve, that ALL relationships can be bettered by a commitment to work it out.
(USA) Yea, you’re right. I am a Christian woman that is struggling with a very ignorant and disrespectful husband. Treating them like a king only gives them more power. There comes a time when we have to make decisions, but unfortunately trying to live with the mistakes we make can be costly to our mind, body and spirit. Even in all that I say, Pray! Pray for the mean rascal, and ask God to soften his heart, so that he will at least be cordial. I think men are beautiful.
I, too, unfortunately made a seriously wrong decision when I married this man. Tearful nights and tearful days, lonely nights and lonely days, but God said, “lo, I will be with you alway even til the end of the age.” Until I leave (because he’s too content with making me miserable), I have to deal with it, though not alone. The Lord is with me.
One more thing. Don’t try to out do anybody’s bad. If you are faithful to this man, stay faithful to him, regardless how lonely, hurt or angry you may become. If he is physically abusive, that’s another thing. Use Godly wisdom. Stay prayerful and be encouraged … just know, from one lady to another, you are not alone.
(USA) Amen! I agree with Marnie… I feel it should go both directions… men need to respect us too.
(UK) A relationship cannot grow or thrive without mutual respect. If one person doesn’t respect another, a vital ingredient is missing. You may live under the same roof, but you really don’t have a relationship. It is only a marriage in name.
You can keep doing what you are doing, but your relationship is not equal. You are doing everything to please him, but I don’t see how that is going to change him. If you have to bend backward to please someone just to get basic respect, something is very wrong. Ask for that respect. Set your boundaries and everytime it is violated, do what you say you will do. Eg, if he says something disrespectful, point it out and ask for an apology. Warn that if it happens again, you will leave the room for twenty minutes. If this gets him mad, warn that you will leave the house. If this makes it worse, leave overnight – tell him that you will be back and ready to talk when you get back, if he can be respectful. Of course, if you cannot carry out your consequences, then it is useless to warn about violating boundaries. I don’t see how you can have a partnership without having respect.
(USA) God has commanded wives to respect, because it is unnatural. Additionally, God has commanded men to love, because it comes as unnatural. Therefore, if you respect, love will come. Remember, women see and hear w. pink sunglasses and pink hearing aids while men hear and see with blue sunglasses and blue hearing aids. So what you say, they can’t interpret.
Remember, you took a vow to God, your family, and yourself. To Love, Honor, and Respect, your spouse through the good times and the bad. Marriage is TOUGH! I go through struggles daily! I pray and ask God to lead me to be the best Christian, Wife, and Mother. And then I just trust that He will guide me.
(USA) Leaving an already insolent man only makes it worse. When a man gets set in his ugly ways he WANTS you to leave. Leave the room, but don’t leave your house unless you are LEAVING. Pray much for him and that God will strengthen you through the struggle. It’s so unfair. I’ve learned that being good does not mean that you will get good in return, especially when a man is just plain rotten. Some think that paying a house note and a light bill is being a good husband. Boy, did somebody lie to them. Respect and communication are the keys to a good relationship. I can’t believe that being roommates was God’s idea when he created Eve for Adam.
Nevertheless, what’s wrong is wrong and if the man is wrong he is just wrong. We ladies sometimes beat ourselves up trying to figure out what we did wrong and we haven’t done anything wrong but tried to be too good. (It’s bad when a man has a good woman and chooses trash later.) Just pray, honey. And if nothing else happens, God will strengthen and change YOU and give you the courage and the fortitude to make decisions that will give God glory and ultimately bring about peace and stability in your life.
(AUSTRALIA) I don’t find it unnatural to respect at all. I don’t see the logic in God asking someone to do something just because it is unnatural. If He commands us to do something, His commands are not burdensome (see I John). Respect can be taught to kids and they can grow up respectful human beings.
Don’t marry someone if the love is not there, thinking that if you respect the person, the love will come. When two people make the vows, they both vow to love and respect each other, not for the wife to respect so that the husband can love, and the husband to love, so that they wife can grow in respect.
The men in life can certainly interpret what I say very well, even though there are obviously differences in the way we store or interpret information generally. I have no problems with deep communication and relationship with my brothers, close friends, relatives and dear father. It was a lie all along that the communication with my husband was a gender thing. Even men (pastors, my doctor, my brother-in-law) tell me now that they wouldn’t have accepted it.
The vow for better or worse refers to circumstances that befall a marriage – life crises. It doesn’t refer to one person violating the covenant or indeed, abusing the other person. God didn’t intend for the most sacred institution of marriage to be a sanctuary where you can do all sorts of evil and get away with it because you committed yourself for better or worse. People who believe that make themselves prey to Stockholm Syndrome and suffer traumatic bonding. This is not God’s will.
With all your heart, respect and love, whether you are male or female, and whether it comes naturally or not. This should apply to all relationships, but obviously, in the cauldron of marriage, character is refined and everything comes to the surface. If both are committed to growing in God, and love the other like Christ, then “for better for worse”, the relationship only blossoms and thrives, even through fire. That’s how it is with all my relationships. Where there is no respect, then like Christ, I am not going to throw pearls before swine. The most loving thing to do is not enable them to perpetrate mistreatment. Leave them to God.
When you pray and trust Him to guide you, He will. He certainly made it very very clear in my journey what He thought about my situation. Now I see all the scriptures and think, “Why didn’t I see it before?” Because my eyes were blinded by all the false beliefs that were passed down, including ones that said that the problems with my husband could be solved by more respect.
(SINGAPORE) Good that you have done all this… but what was the tone of your voice and the body language you conveyed while doing all these for your husband? The tone of voice and body language carries the message of love as much as the act. Think about this, if your body language and tone is not in sync with your actions, your husband picks up the nice act as pretensions, and not respect from your heart. I know it’s not easy at all. May God guide you, and strengthened you to do this right.
(CANADA) I’m in the same boat as Julie. I see my partner of 8 years as a very hardworking man and tell him so (treat him like a king) I do it all as well. I work 25 hours a week so I do have more time then him. He works 12 hour shifts plus a side job from our house. I answer calls, takes messags, pick up parts, shuttle service… I do it all! Last year I bought a little trailer for us to get away from all this. Two weeks of our holidays he has arranged to spend with his brother and wife along with 3 kids! Our children are older.
(USA) I was directed to this site by google. I was listening to Joel Osteen and the Holy Spirit has been working on me with this issue. At first I was seeking advice on how to best communicate with my spouse and his temper. In reviewing these messages and thinking of the message by Joel I realize now I’m the one with the issue.
I kept telling my husband he needed to change and his temper was wrong and what a terrible example he was showing our children. I was so busy pointing the finger at him that I didn’t stop and recognize that I wasn’t doing as Lord has required of me. I believe if you love your spouse and God is in it then you will do what you can to follow how the Lord has instructed you as a wife and a mother.
Read the book Liberated Through Submission: God’s Design for Freedom in All Relationships!
. I think it’s time for me to read it again. Cuz who am I to point the finger at my husband and judge him if my heart and spirit are not in the right place? God told us to respect and submit to our hubby’s. When I do my part the Lord is faithful and just to do his. This is something I need to get straight with God before I get it straight with my hubby.
Lord, forgive me for not seeking you first on this. Help me to TRUST you Lord, because you blessed me with this man to be head of our home. Help me to trust that he is seeking you first in all he does. Bless my hubby with strength and knowledge. Help me to show him by action that I trust him for the leading of our home.
(USA) This is a great website… love (I feel) and respect are hanging on a thread in our marriage. I will try your suggestions.
Thank you.
(UK) Hello, May the Lord bless you! My husband and I spent the night arguing and fighting. I am at a point where I am frustrated and ready to leave but want to stay because I love him and we have a 9 month old daughter. He’s getting more angry by the hour and I keep telling him that I will never respect him because he does not deserve it.
I have been trying to find out what it means to respect him because I know the Lord requires me to do so and I want to follow what the Lord wants. I was desperate and I googled respecting my husband and found your site. I will try your suggestions and believe God to turn our marriage around. Thank You so much!
(USE) Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path. Be encouraged and stand firm on your convictions. Respect him and do what you are supposed to do, but be mindful that you not become a slave to your husband. Do not let the spirit of fear keep you bound. Bind the spirit of fear that would keep you from expressing yourself, but speak the truth in love. Ask God by His Holy Spirit to loose to spirit of peace that surpasses all understanding so that you will be able to endure the trials and the heartaches that comes with an insensitive husband. Pray continually for him, pray for yourself and pray God’s will for your marriage.
(CAN) I am going through a very difficult time with my husband and we are separated at this time. I know all these things and scriptures that I must apply to my life and towards my husband, but I am so confused now. Everything seems hopeless because my husband recently said I was ugly and old looking. I am so discouraged and want to give up and leave him alone if that’s what he sees but I love him. What can I do???
(NIGERIA) I love him, respect him, but he doesn’t love me anymore.
(USA) Thank you. Me and my husband have been at the edge of divorce for a while and it’s been over the whole respect issue. I never had a father figure in my life to look up to.
So the respect for my husband was hard. So I Googled “respect” and found this and I pray this is what I have been looking for. Thank-you and GOD BLESS!!
(USA) I think that is a crock! Maybe this works for a man who actually TRIES, and CARES, AND has a sense of right and wrong or uses his God-given brain for even the little things!
But after you wake up in the middle of the night being strangled to the point of passing out, and having only half the hair you had when you went to sleep, and a cut eye, and a broken thyroid/bone into your trachea and cough for 6 months straight and can’t sing or talk right a year later and he tells you you are throwing it in his face if you mention how it hurts!
And you are to FORGIVE HIM, the church says! And you ARE TO RESPECT HIM, Church and BIBLE SAYS! AND UNCONDITIONALLY!!! NO MATTER WHAT HE DOES SAYS ETC… and he is to be head of home, step kids etc… that he admits he doesn’t even like!! That they are my responsibility. That he would have loved to take their mother from them easily as not!!!
THEN AS FAR AS COMPLIMENTS ON THE GARAGE -every dime you worked for to put tools in the garage he leaves in the grass, and won’t put them back or help you and has no idea how to organize anything or help you when you are deathly ill. In fact he tries to make it worse– Let’s get the video "LOVE ‘n RESPECT" and take it out of context and throw it in MY FACE that I don’t respect him.
I ask him to earn back the respect that I gave him the choice to try. It doesn’t mean I forgot, and I quit sleeping (accidentally) with my hands by my throat nightly! Tell me? Compliments will make that man alright! It makes him a monster. He takes them and runs with them. He is bigger and badder and I am smaller and weaker in his eyes.
I don’t see that being unloving is a good thing, but being false is not good either. And false respect and false (lies) to puff him up to make him feel more like a man he hasn’t been to make him one he should be is not the way to go!
(USA) Loving and respecting your husband includes discipline and boundaries where you think necessary. Things to the extent to which you speak of, are prohibited by law. Why don’t you report him? That’s not against the Bible… you love him, you’ll try to make him be better, right? For his own good? So he’ll go to heaven? A trip to jail will teach him and you keep away from sin yourself.
(INDIA) Hi lisa , I feel absolutely the same. Had had similar experiences, and yet he’s taking the high road. Its an extremely difficult space to be in when none of your needs are being met and yet you’re expected to give more. But I am still not sure if leaving him is the only solution. Let’s see if we can find something that resonates with our hearts. God Bless .
(JAMAICA) Hi Lisa, I feel your pain. I personally don’t believe an abusive spouse can be respected. I am not one to tell you to stay in an abusive relationship. God depicts the relationship with him as that of which should be of a spouse and his wife. God doesn’t abuses us. I pray for your strength.
An abusive man has a problem with ego and any compliment you give him will only pump this up and I agree, it makes you seems weaker. I suggest you find your strength. If he is a church man, find some scriptures to use against him (there is power in the word). If he hits you, remind him not to touch the Lord’s anointed. Remind him that his prayers are hindered, remind him that he should not abuse the wife of his youth, else the Lord will deal treasurously with him, (malachi). Don’t stand for abuse. Find ways to show forth your strength without being confrontational.
For me, if I am preparing dinner and my husband becomes increasingly verbally abusive, I stop. I tell him I’m not his slave so if he can’t speak to me properly there’ll be no food. I agree with persons that say set boundaries. I am not your child I am your wife.
(USA) Lisa- you are in an abusive relationship. He has psychological issues and by you staying in that type of setting you are endangering your life and his. The Lord does not condone violence in the marriage and if it does say something crazy like that in the Bible then resort to your individual lawful rights to not have to be subjected.
Go to a cheap motel with your children and contact the social services in your area. They will help and I’m betting so will your family if they are close by.
You are a beautiful person that deserves to be loved and honored so don’t wait till it’s too late. Good luck and God Bless!
(USA) Lisa… I can’t agree or disagree with this! I am trying to respect my husband more because I am very nagging all the time, and I complain and pout when I don’t get my way… But he is an AMAZING man, no matter how hard I try to get under his skin, he will not raise his voice at me… and he would never put his hands on me.
We both came from abusive parents. He watched his step dad beat his mom many times and I watched my drunk step dad(s) [there were 3] beat my mom. And all I can say is, you openly stated he has physically hurt you, and he openly says he doesn’t like your kids.
WHAT KIND OF MOM ARE YOU?! I am a mom 1st and foremost! Nothing comes above my children. You need to leave him! NOW! Why would you put your children in a life like that?!?!?!?! where kids that see their mom get abused by a man! Get out. Seriously, if you care at all about your kids… GET THEM AND YOU OUT!!!!!!!!!!!
(AUST) That’s strange. I left a similar situation and Christian friends are saying that if I cared about the kids, I wouldn’t have torn down the marriage. I think that’s why most Christian women are reluctant to leave. They know they will not get support from the only community they know and rely on.
Before you think I am only referring to one or two friends, let me assure you that I am referring to many. Some have personally confronted me, and it doesn’t matter what you say, the conclusion is that you have done something wrong. “If the marriage was truly abusive as you say, then why didn’t get you help”? (How many times do I have to try to get help?) If he really did all those things, “why didn’t you email everyone and list everything he did so we all can believe it?” (Like you will believe it, and like he will let me get away with it without punishing me!) “If everything he says is false, why are you refusing to talk?” (And get labelled a badmouthing vindictive ex?)
So before you condemn her for not getting out, think about why she seriously considers the pros and cons. At least when you are married to an abuser, you only get abused by one person. Leave, and you get abused by the church, by the legal system, by ignorant bystanders, etc. Unless you have a strong mind (which is unlikely, since abuse attacks the mind), you are going to have a hard time.
(UNITED STATES) When my husband left, and I divorced him because I could no longer get in contact with him –and he wouldn’t tell me where he was… I took a lot of flack from my family, who are devout Christians. They do not believe someone should EVER get divorced because it is against the Bible. My ex-husband was an alcoholic and a gambler. He was a bully to me. I do not regret divorcing him, in fact I believe it was God looking out for me. I had no respect left for him because he was drunk every day and could not keep a job. I know that my relationship with God is OK and that I am in the palm of God’s hand – –but I struggle knowing that Christians judge me because I am divorced.
No matter how open and loving Christians SAY that they are –when it comes right down to it –I have found that I am still judged as a divorced woman. Also, I have to agree that when I tried to be the “good wife,” he just seemed to run even more roughshod on our relationship. He acted as though he was entitled and the respect/love was never returned.
(USA) Your problem is completely different. Wisdom is priority, use it!!!
(USA) Lisa – I am so sorry for what you are going through. I don’t know you and I don’t know what it is to deal with someone like your husband, but trust me, knowing that other people are suffering the way you are, causes me pain. I am praying for you right now, I know God listens to prayers. Have you tried going to counseling? I am not sure if he will go, probably not, but what about you?
Joann
(USA) Lisa – you should check "Abuse in Marriage" on this same website. It talks about dealing with an abusive spouse and how you can’t be part of it. Joann
(USA) I am having problems with loving my husband. We have been married for 2 years now and he just irritates me. It has been two months since we have really spoken and it’s beginning to take toll on me. I love him but I just can’t deal with his selfish ways anymore. He pays me no attention and everything is about him and sports. I have tried praying for us and even praying at night so he sees me on my knees pleading to the Lord.
I think that we need to be separated for a while because I am so unhappy. I even try to get in early from work so that I can have some time at home to myself before he gets in from work, just to be happy alone. I am desperate for advice please.
(USA) What happens when your husband never compliments you, hardly kisses you and talks about how hot his celebrity crushes are? It makes me feel like nothing… and please don’t tell me about self esteem because I have a ton of it. But I should feel that no one and nothing means more to my husband than I do. I just read this article and it will be super hard for me to try this, but since I love him I will try anything -any words of advice for the beginner?
(USA) Karen, it is infuriating. I sympathize. It is not about your self esteem. Pray, pray, pray. Have you tried giving him the compliments that you want to receive, tried just out of the blue kissing him and telling him how hot he is to you?
(SOUTH AFRICA) I think marriage is about you giving what you want to receive and not except it immediately as it will come. Your marriage is still young for you to want separation — don’t. It could be because you have never went for pre-marital counseling or what they have said to you in those sessions has never sunk in. You are starting to get used to each other as you are aware that you are now in each other’s space. Give it time and don’t move out. It won’t solve your problem, but will make it worse.
(KENYA) I am so grateful for this message in general. It has highlighted some of the issues I was seeking clarification. I know that if a man seems to be different from what you wanted, then all the respect, love and admiration you had for him quickly fades away. I have learnt that it is not the person (since the person can change) but the devil manifesting himself through this person. So, we need to pray and ask God to change this person to be a person after Christ’s heart and I know whether it takes 10 years or more, things will change. Be a book to be read!! Remember if you don’t respect him then he will never respect you back!
(AUSTRALIA) Are you for real?? This is 2009, not the 1950’s! If a man won’t respect you, find one that will. You have to believe that you deserve that much. Too many women fall into the trap of thinking "I can change him" – no you cannot! Your love will NOT change him. This just sounds like a recipe for disaster, especially since many studies show that a disrespectful or abusive man will act even worse the more docile and submissive his partner becomes. Wake up call, anyone?
(USA) You are so right… that we (women) CANNOT CHANGE our spouses BUT GOD CAN!!! You need to understand that no matter what year it is on our calendars, GOD is always the same and always will be! And He tells us to respect our spouse. I think that the main message that this lady wrote has excellent advice and I bet that it will help MOST women out there.
To the ladies that still don’t get respected after trying everything, I would highly suggest trying to find out WHAT is holding him back… Ask him, get on your knees and pray. Most likely the Holy Spirit will pinpoint something that you are doing that you shouldnt be. I too had problems in my marriage (he wanted sex often and I didn’t, he said that kids are my only duty. Never helped out in the house, just played too much sports, and didn’t pay enough attention to me and the kids. He messed up my house all the time, worked way too much etc). I always thought that I was the good one and he was the bad one.
After many years of problems and crying at night I finally (with a lot of prayer) figured out that what he wanted from me was NOT TO CONTROL him. And he was right, the whole time I thought I loved and respected him, but really it’s the times that I would tell him how and what to do that would RUIN everything and he would start to treat me bad again. As soon as I changed (as suggested above), he changed too. Then he said “that this is the woman I love”… So it was I that changed to controlling that made him become disrespectful to me, I had no clue! You really have to remember who is the boss of the family: #1 Husband, #2 WIfe.