See Christ In Your Husband

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The following is a portion of a talk that author and speaker Elisabeth Elliot gave on her radio program, Gateway to Joy, September 01, 2000. In it she addressed the question: “How am I supposed to learn to see Christ in my husband?”

The following is what Elisabeth had to say pertaining to that question. It’s one that we hope you will prayerfully consider.

See Christ in Your Husband

So many women write to me to tell about their husbands. These husbands are either not Christians or they’re not behaving like Christians even though they claim to be one. So what we need to do is to learn to see Christ in our husbands. Jesus said whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine you did for Me. He also said whatever you did not do for one of the least of these you did not do for Me. That’s from Matthew 25:40 and also Matthew 25:45.

Here is perhaps one of the most difficult but also most transforming truths for a wife to grasp. She lives with a fallible human being 365 days a year. And so does he. Her husband does not always act like Christ, nor does she. Yet the Bible gives clear instructions to both.

Look up Ephesians 5:24 and 28. These instructions seem impossible. The husband is to love his wife as he loves himself. And the wife is to respect or reverence her husband. Lets remember that what is impossible with men is possible with God. He has never issued a command, which He will not enable us to fulfill.

And I want to repeat that. God has never issued a command, which He will not enable us to fulfill. The question is, “Will we choose to obey?” Because I receive so many more letters from wives than from husbands, I will leave the “but what about him” to God. I will try to address the difficulties that we wives face.

What to Do With a Disobedient Husband

What is a wife to do if he is being disobedient in any way to what God says? I am very grateful for the shining testimonies of several women who have found love, joy and peace by following the clear word of Scripture. Their marriages, once difficult, have been totally transformed. Might we, who earnestly desire that God’s will be gladly obeyed in our home, trust God to help us toward that transformation?

He will, I believe, if we begin with Jesus’ three conditions for discipleship in Matthew 16:24.

These 3 Conditions are:

Number one: Give up your right to yourself. That is a tough command and a scary thought, to give up your right to yourself.

Number two: Take up the cross. This means suffering.

Number three: Follow a daily obedience. Give up your right to yourself, take up the cross and follow. Do you want to be a disciple? Those are the conditions.

Once having made up our minds to be disciples, we may then study the specific teaching on marriage. Number one, what are the respective roles of husband and wife? Look first at Ephesians 5:22-33. The husband represents Christ, as He is head of the church. The wife represents the Church, the bride of Christ. This means that she is assigned a subordinate position, one which the world despises. As the church submits to Christ, the Bible says, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.” That’s Ephesians 5:24.

Submission is not inferiority. It is divine, drawn from the very nature of God. The Holy Spirit witnesses to Christ. Christ witnesses to the Father. And in obedience to His Father, He was willing to be made a little lower than the angels. That is, He was willing to be a mere man.

If He is Disobedient to the Word?

Now we’re down to number two. Number one was what are the respective roles of husband and wife? Number two, what shall we wives do if the husband is disobedient to the Word? Peter answers the question, 1 Peter 3:1-2. Wives, in the same way, referring to Jesus’ response to insults, suffering and injustice in the previous chapter, be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Is it easy for you women to keep silence? Well, it certainly isn’t for me.

One of my friends has cheered me greatly by her own testimony. She wanted, above all, to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings. She offers this suggestion: “When your husband comes home, say to yourself, ‘Christ returns. Practice readiness.’ When he is hungry or thirsty, give to him as if he were Christ, remembering that it is Christ he represents.

What a privilege we have to minister to him, just as the women of the New Testament did. If your husband is disobedient to the Word in any way, don’t get headaches trying to be quiet. Put an imaginary blanket over his face to cover a multitude of sins and not bring them to mind.”

Look For Christ

This paragraph that I’ve just read comes from a woman named Lori Morrison, and I think she’s learned a lot of great lessons along these lines. Try to see Christ in the man you live with, even though he may be acting in a less than Christ-like way. Rest on this, “You married women should adapt yourselves to your husbands, so that even if they do not obey the Word of God, they may be won to God without a word being spoken —simply by seeing the pure and reverent behavior of you, their wives.”

Verse 6 refers to the example of Sarah, whose husband Abraham asked her to do some foolish things. Yet, she obeyed him, called him her master and did not give way to hysterical fears.

We give ourselves many excuses for failure to comply with our husband’s wishes. Often it is merely that we prefer something else and we’re unwilling to surrender our preferences. A more serious objection is fear that our husband’s decisions will be unwise and perhaps even disastrous. This is our opportunity to trust God in the man He has given over us.

Look to God

My friend says, “If the disobedience is an unkind or harsh attitude, instead of pulling away, nursing wounds, say, ‘You, Father, have put this upon me. It’s from your dear hand, your appointed trial for me right now, and I accept it with joy.'” [This is not referring to abuse issues.]

Beware, however, of a martyr complex, which leads to that terrible temptation of our enemy, the devil, called self-pity. If we get down on our knees and offer up our sufferings to Christ, He knows just what to do with them. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses. But we have one who has been tempted in every way just as we are, yet without sin. That’s Hebrews 4:15.

Beware also of saying, “But what about me? Why am I the one who always has to give in?” That question cloaks a critical spirit. Love aims always at unity and at the good of the other. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, and is not proud. It is not rude, and is not self-seeking. Love is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. Love never fails.

Love Never Gives Up

Another translation says, “Love never gives up.” That paragraph that I just read is from 1 Corinthians 13. I commend it to you to memorize, 1 Corinthians 13.

Spend more time thanking God for your husband than you do in criticizing him. Pray for him earnestly and daily, asking the Lord to help you to practice the self-giving, sacrificial love that He showed to us on the cross. Jesus accepted the terrible injustice as the Father’s will. Treat him exactly as you would wish to treat Christ if He came into your home. Can we do that? No, not by ourselves, but we are not alone.

God speaks peace to our souls. “Do not fear, for I am with you,” He says. “Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” God bless you.

Same Subject

On another radio program Elisabeth Elliot spoke again on the same subject. She had received a letter from a listener that lived out the advice Elisabeth gave. Here are some additional insights on the same subject that she read:

I have a letter here from a mother. She says:

“Years ago I wrote to ask for prayer because my husband was badly wounded by friendly fire during Army training. The response I received was timely and right on. You see, my husband’s injury involved the whole right side of his brain. It blinded and paralyzed him. There was a major change in my life that I was not handling very well. How was I to obey a man whom I could not trust to make even routine decisions, never mind life-sustaining, life-changing ones?

“God’s grace was sufficient for me and your timely counsel and prayer and the prayer support of many friends got me over the initial hump. But the ongoing, day-to-day living can get depressing if your focus is on your circumstances instead of on the Mighty God who chose every path for you.

“What really helps me daily is offering up today in prayer all that I am —that I will respond with instant obedience to God’s plan for me. Saying that prayer every morning helps me to get a right perspective for the day.

Seeing Christ

“I must tell you that seeing Christ in my husband keeps me in check. I’m nervous to do or say anything that would offend my Lord. I have found that even in submitting totally to my brain-damaged husband there is complete and total joy and peace. I know only God can protect and lead me —even through him —and that He is able. The more I submit to my husband’s leadership, to the family, the more of a great leader he becomes. The more successful he is, the more motivated he is to continue on.

“We have been blessed with three more children since his injury. This has really cemented our relationship. I love trusting God through this man. He gives me more love for him every day.

“We’ve been married now almost nineteen years. I wouldn’t trade my cross for anything. I wake in the morning excited for how God will show Himself to me this day. And I seek Him and find Him in every little thing. I urge women who have trouble serving a ‘whole’ man, give it up. It’s not worth holding on to if you can’t keep it anyway. Jim Elliot said it better than anyone else; ‘He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.’

Seeing the Stripes of Jesus

“Yes, I see Christ Himself in my disabled husband. I see the wounded head bowed down for me. I see the stripes taken for my sins. Plus I see the pierced and bleeding hands and feet. Now I see the scars, signs that the wounds are healed. And He walks and talks with me daily. Not a bone was broken but there was a lot bleeding. Was I worth such suffering?

“Are we worth all the work our husbands put into living with and serving us, providing for our children, paying all the bills? I want to be worth it all. I feel like a gift. Every day I’m unwrapped, are the recipients going to like what they see? May God let it be so!

“As a mother, I realize the awesome responsibility we have in keeping out attitudes in check. That is because as the heart of the home, we do set the atmosphere. Thank you, Mrs. Elliot for your timely teaching. I’m convinced that your work and words are of Lord and we thank Him for you. We continue to hold you up for clarity of mind and speech as you asked in your last letter.”

Elisabeth Elliot goes on to say:

Well, thank you so very much. I won’t give you the lady’s name, but that is a most unusual story, a wonderful story of how in spite of very grave injuries, this husband is still the head of the house and the wife is loving him and submitting to him and praying for him. In that letter I counted that there were at least four times, she speaks about the word prayer.

This is a situation to prayerfully consider. It may be that God is leading you in the same direction. But pray about it, asking for wisdom.

This article was transcribed from a radio talk given by author, and former radio host, Elisabeth Elliot. It was aired on the radio program, Gateway to Joy, sponsored by Back to the Bible This was one of the programs titled, “Seeing Christ in Your Husband.

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Filed under: For Married Women

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8 responses to “See Christ In Your Husband

  1. (USA) I’m married and have been for about 2 years. Before, my husband and I were going to church, but I wasn’t going all the time. Then he ended up getting a night job and we just stop going completely. I thought our marriage was going great until we started having problems.

    I recently got saved. I notice since I did, the devil has been attacking our marriage, but I know JESUS will help me. Just like Elisabeth Elliot said “Are we worth all the work our husbands put into living with and serving us, providing for our children, paying all the bills? I want to be worth it all. I feel like a gift."

    I have been taking him for granted but I know JESUS is going to help us through this….

  2. (USA)  “Number one: give up your right to yourself. That is a tough command and a scary thought, to give up your right to yourself.

    Number two: take up the cross, which means suffering.

    Number three, follow a daily obedience. Give up your right to yourself, take up the cross and follow. Do you want to be a disciple? Those are the conditions.

    So I still do this even though my husband won’t let me go out of the house w/out permission, won’t let me go ANYWHERE by myself without him (driving or walking), won’t let me take the kids ANYWHERE to do ANYTHING (no exaggerating), kids are home accounted for 24/7, they have zero friends, won’t let me have even one friend, won’t let me see my mom and family, points out my faults most of the time, raises voice most of the time, gives me A LOT of rules to do everyday, always correcting me about things I do or don’t do.

    BUT the Lord has told me many times I am NOT to leave him even though I feel like it because this has gone on for SEVERAL YEARS and the Lord tells me I am to ENDURE it. WOULD YOU ENDURE THIS even though you know things are NOT going to change?

  3. (USA)  From what I see the viewpoint in this piece accepts that some women will die at their husband’s hand. Look at all the Bible based cults out there where pastors abuse people. They learn that at home from there own Fathers! God sees everything.
    It is a wife’s right to save her life and that of her child. I think if a woman has let her husband take over, then his harm of her should be seen as the same as harm of an unborn baby. How can so many Christians hate abortion but sweep spousal abuse under the rug? WWJD?

    Jesus stopped people from stoning a woman. He respected his mother and he has as a bride the church! Would he ever knock some sister’s tooth out? Would he ever kick a pregnant woman in the face? Does he say never to speak to your parents or your own brother ever again? No! This is a form of idol honoring. It’s a man who will not work (ie care for his family). Since when does ego and rage trump what Jesus said?!

    Please get help Sister. Go be with your parents and take the kids. For God to work on this man, you need to give him space to do so. More then likely he will be unfaithful and then you can get a divorce. That is in the Bible too.

  4. (SA)  We must just see Christ in our husbands? Our husbands are not Christ and will never be. I’m so dissapointed in the quote by the one lady saying to herself, as her husband walks in there is Christ, referring to the husband? What? The Bible for one, states very clearly there is only One God, only ONE. The Bible again clearly says in the ten commandments, Have no other God but me; NO other.

    Please, please be careful about these things. A person without Christian knowledge can truly be mislead by this. Worship no other God but me; it’s in the Bible.

    1. Christ Left us with the greatest gift of all…And that gift Is the Holy Spirit which is Christ in us. Now whether a person is letting him be who he wants to be or not might dictate if someone is able to see Christ in that person or their flesh. But also remember too that God is love and when we love we are being examples of Christ. It says that the Holy Spirit is like living waters inside wanting to flow outwardly to others. There is not one person worthy to be called righteous and it says all of our righteousness is as filthy rags and that the only thing good in us is Jesus. That’s not saying a person is Jesus but Jesus does live in us.

  5. (UGANDA)  I read the article a while back and I’m still trying to understand some of the stuff. For start, I would like to make it crystal clear that in God’s eyes we are all equal. The Bible clearly states that. Secondly, we are ALL made in the image of God, not only men but all. In Genesis 1:27 the Bible clearly states that we are all made in the image of God, not only men but women as well.

    As a woman I’m not made in the image of man but of God. God has called all of us to carry the cross, not women only, but everybody.

    The feminist movemwnt was started by articles such as the above they really make women feel small and not appreciated.

    1. (USA) You are absolutely right. This article isn’t meant to belittle women, insinuating that a man is the only one who is created in the image of God, because OF COURSE, women are also made in the image of God. But this article addresses women. As Elisabeth says, “Because I receive so many more letters from wives than from husbands, I will leave the ‘but what about him’ to God and try to address the difficulties that we wives face.

      This article is meant to inspire wives to look beyond a man’s actions (because sometimes it’s difficult to see who God created them to be when they entertain the enemy of our faith by their actions) –to see the person God they can become and join God, as His colleague in showing grace and forgiveness to our husbands. It’s not that they are to “get away” with sinning, but rather, for us not to be their final judge and to NOT block God’s dealing with them.

      It’s also not meant to make women feel small. So sorry that it came across that way, but rather to help women to see themselves as partners with God in helping our husbands to be all they can be in Christ (which of course, they should be doing for us… all of this advice can be given to them, as well).

  6. (USA) I’m reminded by Eph 4:14-16 (NIV)
    Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming. 15 Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. 16 From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.

    We must not be afraid to speak the truth in love to our husbands. This is a command from God, and he will use that to mold the hearers. We must obey. God is using you to change your husband’s spirit, just as much as God uses him to change yours. Get the specks out of your eyes and focus on what you need to change to be more godly. This is really hard…I’ve felt at times – what about him?!! and you have to realize that only God can change your husband’s heart, but we can change ourselves. I know that there are things in my character that have resulted in strain in my marriage as well.

    Only if you obey, ALL of God’s word, can you have the fruits of the spirit. Tell your husbands (IN LOVE) how they hurt you and then also LISTEN to what God is saying (through his word, believers, and your husband) about what you need to change.

    Keep reading in Eph 4, v18: Gentiles “They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts.” Be careful not to harden your heart against your husband and thus separate yourself from God by your own sin! Remember a wise woman builds up her own house but a foolish one tears hers down with her own hands (Prov 14:1)

    Eph 4: 25 Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. 26 “In your anger do not sin”[d]: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold.
    Again, this still applies to our husband!!! Even if you are in fear of your husband (through verbal, emotional, or physical abuse), you must obey God and trust God to keep you safe if you tell the truth (I know from experience, and it has truly ‘set me free’, but it was so hard and scary).

    1 John 4:18 – There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
    I trusted God’s perfect love, and overcame my fear of my husband.

    Eph4:29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

    This last passage helped me to realize and find Jesus in my husband. The spirit of forgiveness and love (that comes only from God) is what will directly impact your husband and your relationship. You have to follow Jesus and be the example – even though it is hard, and you just want to be angry at your husband sometimes – this is where you have to imagine that you are talking to God, not your husband, and think of the right way to say things and pray that Got will give you the words your husband needs to hear at that particular moment.