The following article is written to women who are dealing with their husbands who have left them, but the same principles can also apply to men who are dealing with their wives who have left. During separation, time can be your friend, whether you are a woman or a man. We encourage you to pray, glean, and see what God could be saying to your heart.
“They that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings as eagles.“ (Isaiah 40:31)
Because your emotions are so turbulent, you may think no happy answer to your situation is possible. Your thoughts may run the gamut from a fairy-tale ending to the worst possible outcome. When you find yourself in this state for very long,you may be tempted to do whatever will give a clean resolution. You may want closure, even if that means doing what you really don’t want to do. But making rash decisions may be something you will woefully regret later. Time may be your friend, if you let it.
Difficult Advice to Hear
When this disaster first swooped down upon me, my friend Toni Jo said something that shocked me at first. I didn’t want to hear it.
“Don’t be in a hurry,” she said. “Give him as much time as he needs. He’s confused and needs to figure himself out. Tell him to take a year if he needs to figure out what he wants.”
“A year!” I exclaimed. “A year?”
“What’s a year in a whole lifetime?” she asked. “If it takes a year for him to figure things out, and then you have thirty more happy years together after that, wouldn’t it be worth it?”
As it turned out, it took three years for my husband and me, not one. But yes, it was worth it.
Don’t Make Rash Decisions
Trusting God includes waiting on him to do whatever he is trying to do during this process. Because God does not force his loving work into our lives, making rash decisions can preclude God from accomplishing new dimensions of spiritual and emotional growth in you and your mate as well as others around you. We need to give God time.
Waiting is extremely hard when each day weighs us down with an eternity of suffering. But time has a way not only of healing but also of giving perspective. What may seem true to your mate today may look different to him tomorrow. Each new encounter between the two of you can set him or you off in a different relational direction, either positive or negative.
Many years of clutter may need to go through the filter before the gemstones of your life together can become clear. If your husband has separated from you, he may be trying not to even think about you now. He may be focusing only on what he can make sense of. And that probably is not you and your relationship. Most likely he is filling his mind with work and other interests that keep him aloof emotionally.
During Separation Time Can Be Your Friend
During moments of deep depression, when you really want to give up, pick up your Bible and let God speak to you. Listen to what he says to you at that particular time. He wants to strengthen you, and you need strong wings if you’re going to mount up on the wings like eagles. Wait on the Lord. Remember, he is able to do more than we could ever imagine. But sometimes it requires time.
“Lift your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them each by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing. Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel, ‘My way is hidden from the LORD, my cause is disregarded by my God?’
“Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
“Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint“ (Isaiah 40:26-31).
This article is written by Linda W. Rooks and comes from the book, Broken Heart on Hold: Surviving Separation
You can also visit Linda’s Web site at Brokenheartonhold.com where she has “individually formatted a number of Bible verses for your strength and encouragement.”
Filed under: Separation and Divorce
(USA) Hello, I wanted to thank you for this post. It gives a great deal of hope. Last week my wife told me she couldn’t "do this anymore" and that she doesn’t love me anymore because we are constantly fighting. She feels that I don’t love our daughter as much as she does and that she feels tired & exhausted from trying to make me happy and feeling like a failure over and over.
After talking things over, over a couple of days she told me that she does have a small hope that we might reconcile one day but she has no answer for that right now; that it will take time.
I ask any viewers for your prayers for my wife’s broken heart and that she may come back to the Lord and that this family (our 18 month old daughter) continue to be raised in God’s word. Thank you and Lord be with you all, Joshua
(USA) Joshua, So what happened?
(CANADA) Josh,
I feel your pain as I separated from my wife formally on December 1st, 2011 (after she requested it). My advice, which helped me is to watch the following movies in the interim: Courageous and Fireproof. The former, allowed me to purchase the book “The Resolution for Men” (you need to watch the movie to understand this philosophy and to fully benefit from it’s therapeutic properties).
I still feel like I am ‘walking on eggshells’ close to four months later and am working through my own baggage. I recommend that you do the same! Meeting with a counsellor provided me with much needed peace of mind – gave me a fresh perspective on the whole trauma of being told to leave. I love my wife and children and will pray for your family during this truly difficult time.
Hang In There & Peace of Christ!
John.
(CALI) Can any one offer me any advice? I’ve been married for almost four years. My husband and I wed at a young age. I was 19; he was 22. We got pregnant 6 months after being married and our daughter has been our world. But when I was 3 months pregnant with our son I went back to my home town to see my dying grandfather. It turns out I felt happier without my husband. We always fought and yelled. It was sooo bad with the name calling so I told him I wanted a divorce. I left my daughter with him because I didn’t intend to stay long in Cali. The peace without disappointing my husband felt good.
But now I’m 6 months pregnant and I want him back but sadly he has moved on and has a girlfriend. They have been dating for 2 months and they tell each other they love each other. He says she’s his true love. What can I do? I want my family back. I need him in my life… and no, I did not abandon my child. I’ve been going through custody so we can both see her.
I’d like to know what to do. I’m sooo lost and depressed. I miss him so much. I’m willing to let go of him seeing someone else because I was the one who left… I still love him and miss him so much. They are my world and I can’t picture living without my family whole. He wasn’t there to see our son’s first ultra sound, or feel his first kicks. I missed my daughter speaking more. I need them back. Can anyone help me please? I’ll do anything to get him back.
(THE NETHERLANDS) Evelyn, This sort of thing could happen when we dont stand for our marriage. Life is filled with different seasons. But when the stormy season arrives we have to stand firm and never walk away. We have to believe in the one who’s has layed down his own life so we could keep ours. Right now your beloved husband is blinded and is living in adultery.
What you need to do is pray to the lord to lift up the dark clouds surounding your husband so he can shed light into this stormy season. Also take this time to pray for yourself so you can become the women + wife the lord wants you to be. Grow In faith so your husband can see all the changes in you. God hates divorce so he will certainly help you if you give him your heart. Also try to vistit rejoiceministries.org for some extra information… just a few words from a fellow stander.
(USA) You know, it serves you right that he moved on after you divorcing him just because you didn’t “feel” happy. You made a commitment with your marriage, and when things got tough, you didn’t have what it took to stick it out and just took the easy way out and decided to divorce and separate.
It is difficult during a storm of a break up. I was only married one year and 4 months, together 13 years. He left because he claimed I put too much into my kids and basically there is more. His family on mom and dad’s side were malicious to me and very jealous of how close we were. I am not that close to my family so I could not understand why they needed a piece of us all the time from holidays to nothing. I became jealous because his friends would call him as soon as they clocked out it seemed like.
Besides feeling distant, I loved my children so darn much and he spoiled them a lot. A good provider he is. The children are mine and the three oldest are grown and going on to college. I loved them and was so thankful to God to have a family I never had that he was jealous but I knew they were all going to leave. Well, that is just what happened. He left in May. My three sons have all went to college within the last month. Now it is just me and my daughter.
The ex comes to check on the kids but is distant from me. This is a person I shared everything with and I thought we were solid… I thought. Now his family is all thrilled and I have not spoken to any of them as much as I gave to them. My family loves him though, hmm. Did I deserve this pain too?
(AUSTRALIA) I know how she feels. See, I have been married for 19 years. I got sick one day. It took 5 years to see if I have this illness, but I don’t have epilepsy. I had a stroke a month before. They didn’t look into the reason why I had the stroke. But before I had this happen to me, my husband used to love me. But I asked him one day why he doesn’t kiss me, hug me, or you know, the closeness… what is the problem that you have? Is it men’s stuff? He said, no, I have put you on hold until you get better. I said on hold? Then when I am better, then what? He said, I will think about it. I am still waiting for him to love me again, but I am starting to feel like he is this stranger.
I am a Christian. I trust Jesus, but it’s hard because I have to not get too friendly with other men. So I am very lonely. I feel like a widow. But it’s harder because I can still see him, but we don’t touch. Plus, he doesn’t really talk to me, only if he needs something, plus, we argue. I also want to leave, but I am scared. I am so very tired of trying to make him happy, just like your wife said. I did leave once, only for a night. But I went back because I had no where to go. But I need to trust Jesus.
I pray that things work out for you.
(USA) Hello, I hurt so bad. She has been gone for 6 months now and wont talk to me. 35 years together. I love her so. I just know she loves me but her heart is hard from all the past pain and bad memories. Please pray God will soften her heart and she will want to come back together. I will pray for you, just let me know.
(PHILIPPINES) Please pray for me also. I cheated on my husband and admitted it to him years ago. Until now he said he can’t forgive me as much as he has tried to. Then weeks ago, he met his ex-girlfriend who is also having problems with his live-in partner and they (my husband and the ex-gf) suddenly decided to separate from their respective present relationships (meaning, my husband saying goodbye to me and the girl from her live in partner) and have decided to start a new life together.
We have been married for more than 10 years now with two kids. I thought we were surviving (not that good, but ok somehow) at least. But my husband told me that all these years, he was just keeping the pain inside. He said he just stayed because of our kids and now that somebody is willing to understand and take him, he will go away. I’m aware of my sins and how much I’ve hurt him. I’ve asked for forgiveness already from my husband and the Lord but yeah, everything will take time to be totally healed. I believe that I should start the change and renewal in me first then with the grace of the Lord, in His own perfect time, I’m sure my husband will come back to me.
(USA) Josh, I just wanted you to know that Cindy and I will be praying for you, your wife, and your marriage. I also want to encourage you to access any resources on our web site that may help you through the healing process. One in particular you may want to look at is called 100 Ways to Love Your Wife Her Way. Please keep us posted on your progress.
(PTY) Well, I am going true a very hard time. My husband left me and my daughter 3 months ago… he only calls about her. He does not care and it’s really painful after 10 years of a good marriage for him to be so indifferent. I don’t know if it’s even worth it to wait for him to come back home. He said he does not have the same feelings for me. What should I do? Ask for divorce? Even if it’s hurts?
(USA) Hello, I am also going through a separation in which my husband left me 2.5 months ago. It has been more difficult than words can express. One thing I can offer is that Jesus loves you unconditionally; no matter what we do, how many times we hurt him, He ALLWAYS loves us. Jesus loves you, as well as your spouse unconditionally.
(SOUTH AFRICA) My husband started cheating. When I found out about it, he started accusing me of witchcraft and said he was cheating because he is only doing what I am also doing, meaning that I was also cheating. I have never known any other man since I got married to my husband three years ago.
Then he decided to move out and start talking about things that happened in our marriage two years ago and he is now freely seeing this other woman and does not even come to see his daughter, our 3 year old. I have been calling him and begging him to come back to us for the first three weeks but he wouldn’t stop with the insults and accusations, and I am getting tired of it all. Sometimes I feel like giving up, but everyone I tell tells me to fight for what is mine but I just don’t know how.
He is already involved with another woman. I have been there for my husband through the most difficult times in his life. It hurts so bad I can’t explain it. Please pray for me that I may find healing and that God may convict his heart so that he can see the wrong in what he is doing and turn his heart towards home his daughter who needs him. She misses him. Now when he calls she refuses to speak to him.
I need your prayers. I believe that if God has saved a thousand marriages why can he not save mine?
(UNITED STATES) Be strong in the Lord. Never give up hope. He will restore your marriage. You just have to believe that he will do it and stand strong no matter what he says or does.
(U.S.) As women, most of us are long-suffering. We see the signs and yet our blinders keep us from truth, whatever that may be. I have learned throughout my years of marriage that marital problems don’t just happen. What I also know, is that God can heal us everywhere we hurt. He will enlighted us, give us direction and provide comfort thru the process. Pray for healing, because without it you can’t move forward. Pray for God to show you how to forgive, because without it you become bitter. Pray for divine intervention, because without it you will be lead by emotion.
I have felt deep rooted hurts of marriage and I don’t know what the outcome will be. What I am sure of is that “God is the same yesterday, today and forever.” There is nothing double minded about him. I am safe with him. Someone told me that, I live below my priviledge. So, I am telling you “Pray that God’s Divine and Perfect Will be done in your life and that he will make it well with you.” Don’t jump to a decesion based on emotion; seek God and he will answer. If your marriage is over, God will help you through. Keep in mind your life is not over and maybe he was not the one for you if the marriage does end. After healing, always comes restoration and God can give you an upgrade, meaning a new husband if your heart desires, but you have to let him help you with that hurt and pain or your baggage will cause you to miss your future blessing, if you so desire. Be strong, stay in pray and the word of God. -Sanora
(USA) Sanora, Well said. Thanks for your comment. God is awesome.
(USA) Wow! This is exactly what I needed to lift my spirit this very moment. God is indeed a prayer answering God!
My husband and I are currently separated, and have been for a little over two weeks. I am trusting that God will redirect our steps back to each other, to rekindle that which we lost and rebuild our trust in each other. It is not easy to go through this and I’m not sure I can survive 3 years (if that’s what God wants for us), but I’m willing to fight till the very end.
We made vows to each other and I meant every word. There’s nothing too big for God to handle! Please pray with me! Pray that whatever lesson he’s trying to teach "us" that we will learn it in good faith, and may his name be lifted up in the process.
(USA) Praying with you Nicole –Pray in the Spirit. Your post is now almost 2 years old. Has anything changed? If so, post it –whatever happened it was the Lord’s will, and I pray that you are happier now.
(USA) I am going through the same thing currently. It has been four days since my husband left. Your post read almost as if I wrote it. I pray for my husband constantly. That he is able to work through his issues and find his way back to me and our 2 daughters. Keep praying and remember you are stronger than you think.
(US) Brandy, My husband left me about the exact same time as yours. I am on 5 months of being separated now. How are you doing? I would love to pray for you! I know this is so tough and that the more time that passes the easier it is to lose hope. But we need to stand strong and have faith while our husbands are currently out of the will of God.
(USA) Brady & Caprice, I too can relate… My husband left us (2 sons from deceased husband) in March 2012. These 5.5 months have been a struggle mentally & financially. My husband never gave a reason, just stated he needed time to decide if he wanted this martiage. Still not sure what that means. I continue to pray for faith, strength & guidance in me & my husband. I will pray for you both.
(UNITED STATES) Wow to Nicole, Brandy, Caprice, and Tina, (and everyone else here searching for advice and needing prayer and guidance thru this terrible feeling of loss of a spouse) you are now in my prayers. But as for the women I listed above, I too am first very thankful I came across this site because I too just became separated from my husband of 3 yrs (significant other for 6) on Sunday so six days ago and its killing me inside. I thank God for Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit, my two small kids and my family. I haven’t thrown in the towel but chose instead to accept what the Lord is putting me through have faith that this will turn around for the ultimate best, and just wait on Him because faith produces patience. It has been like moving in slow motion everyday…like everyday feels like a lifetime. But no matter how much I try to hang in there and be strong and pray fast and study (the Word) I find myself drifting back into hurt, sorrow, pain, confusion, doubt, and fear which are all of the enemy who will not win. I just need encouragement and prayer. Thank you all and God bless!
(USA) I found out on Christmas Day that my husband of 25 years had been having a 6 month affair with a woman at work. He wanted to leave… he believes he loves her and she is his "soul" mate.
Our sons, 17 and 20, didn’t react like he thought they would, so he stayed and we tried counseling. We were going separately and he never would move to the couples counseling because he was certain he knows what he wants. He left and has been gone 3 weeks.
He spoke to our sons yesterday for the first time and he has yet to speak to me. I am at a loss. We have had a Christian home and raised our sons as such and it is like he has broken every rule and expects us all to accept it. His excuse is that he has "been unhappy for 20 years" but he sure didn’t let me or anyone else know of his unhappiness and we have been the picture of the happy home.
I pray almost ceaselessly. I am willing to do anything to save this marriage. I believe in the vows and I believe that God does not intend for anyone to divorce. BUT he apparently does not feel the same way. If it were just sex, I think we would have a chance, but this feeling that he has that he "loves" her… I don’t know if we can overcome.
Please pray for me, my husband, our sons and even for this other woman who is supposed to be a "Christian woman." To top it all off, I stopped working when our oldest was born to be a stay at home mom, so here I am after 20 years of unemployment and approaching 50, looking at having to start a career.
I can honestly say I still love him and I would cross over any mountains necessary to heal our marriage but he has to want to as well. Again, please pray.
(US) You are in my prayers. My heart goes out to you. The point of living is to believe the best has yet to come.
(USA) Thank you for this article. My husband left me 8 weeks ago and has now made up his mind that he is getting a divorce. I have decided to put my faith in God’s word, not his word, and trust that God is working to restore our marriage even when my husband says his mind is made up and I should just accept it.
When we were still just dating many years ago, he broke up with me for four months and during that time I prayed to God every time I thought about it. God showed me that if I would just be in love with HIM more than I was with anyone else, it would make Him so happy. So I fell in love with God and then got to see my husband get saved and eventually marry me!
I know that God is reminding me that He has fixed us before, and he can and will do it again. I am giving my husband all the space and time he needs to "figure out what he wants", but am definitely taking the time to pray that God fixes this before it leads to a divorce!
(USA) My wife of 4 1/2 years left me just over 5 weeks ago. After 4 weeks I asked her if we could both work together on our marriage. Her response was "I don’t feel the same anymore, we have too much damage in our past" (arguing, financial, communication). I asked her we can get help, do you think we can save this? Her response "I don’t think so". So now we are looking at a divorce (I hate that word). I have not given up on her and have been praying hard for Gods intervention. We only talk thru texting as of now, and those are simple goodnights. But I tell you what, God is the only one who can mend us back together. I wish all of you good luck with your marriages. Casey
(USA) The problem with separation is the opening of doors that would otherwise not be accessible. I know, my wife left me mainly over issues with my stepson who was spoiled and difficult to discipline. Resentment developed and she left til he graduates, 3 yrs away. Because she was not clear and reassuring and we both failed to communicate, I determined to go my on way because, I thought it was really over, and was planning to go my on way.
Because we both did not communicate and reassure each other strongly, she very nearly fell into an affair before I decided in my case it was God’s will and her will for me to pursue her. All within merely 1 month. I can’t blame her, because if I had not really sought God and decided to pursue her , I would probably have done the same thing.
We are still apart but have recommitted our love to each other. I decided it was worth it to work within parameters that I did not agree with, and God is blessing both of us for it. We are learning other areas where we both failed. Learning to be careful of justification, and showing our love in ways and opportunities that we allowed to slip through our fingers when we were together. God Bless all your marriages. Also I found out sometimes it really helps to be broken so God can work a miracle in our lives.
(USA) I cheated on my wife with a former co-worker in addition to that my wife also found emails too. She says she has nothing left for me and that somehow she is doing me a favor by setting me free. She had given me one month to leave prior to agreeing to go to counseling but every day and night is brutal. The words are beyond harsh… things said that cut to the core and I choose to hold on because despite my serious lack of character and morals, I am aware that my issue stem from something deeper than just the sin of adultery. I need help.
I believe that despite what my wife says I am not a lost cause. If that were true then why did Jesus die for me? With that said divorce, is not a solution it’s a cop out. People have given up on me all of my life, that I never amount to much. I am no quitter. All have sinned and have fallen short. I am no exception to the rule, but still that is no excuse for the betrayal I caused.
She wants me to give up and something in me says no; she deserves better and I still believe that I am the man who can do that. God brought us together. HE makes no mistake; our marriage is no mistake. I ask that you keep us in prayer and that God will help her and speak to her in this time of difficulty. In addition I also ask that you pray for me that God will help me get to the root of my troubles and deliver me from the spirit of infidelity and everything tied into it. I ask that you pray God would give us both strength through a terrible time and when it said and done we will cling to the Father and remember that beyond and shadow of doubt we know we were meant to be together.
(USA) Robert, How is your marriage? Is it surviving? I’m going through the same thing. My wife is full of rage and hatred.
(USA) I am going through this but, my wife is the cheater. She led a secret life for 5 years. I divorced her 20 years ago, forgave her and remarried her. Twelve years later she begins an affair with the same childhood sweetheart.
She filed divorce so she could be with him even tho he’s a drunk, broke and non Christian. She now drinks and hasn’t been near a church in 4 months. All the articles you read it’s usually the men that are this damaged. Look out guys the world is changing. I have found hope love and peace in Jesus who has helped me endure the pain. Pray for me as we will be doing the settlement part soon. Paul
(USA) My husband left yesterday. I am hurt, confused and shocked. I want to fight divorce. It’s so weird to even think this. I love this man –this man with whom I found a spiritual partner and friend. I believe he still loves me. I admit, I have not respected this man whom God gave me. I mean to change that. I have already sought God through His word and the counsel of others.
How I do get my husband to listen to me? He does not want counseling. Should I go myself? Should we take time apart? A goal-oriented separation? He made this decision without me. I am not going to take this lying down.
Please pray. I don’t want to be desperate and I want to give God all the time He needs to work on both of us, all the time clinging to the Rock and not listening to the Enemy’s lies. Please pray for us.
(USA) I too had an affair with my counselor. He counseled me through a divorce in which I was battered. He was an ordained minister, music director and I trusted him. I contacted him after running into him because my husband was distant from me. My husband was unemployed at the time. I ended up involved with the counselor. I have sinned and I am so sorry. I knew something was wrong with my husband but let myself get side tracted by the old counselor. My husband left me before he knew about the counselor. After his departure, I saw emails to another woman whom he still says is only a friend. He told her that he loved her and the title of the email said “Good Weekend.” There was weekends that he said he was staying with his mother. I have fallen to depths of depression, feel lost, even suicidle at times. We were married for 12 years and I know that he was my soul mate. I still have faith in God. I need your prayers – please.
(USA) Wow!! Reading your story is like living my own. I have to admit in the past 10 years my husband and I have fought like cats and dogs over the dumbest things. He left a week ago and told me that nothing in this world will make him come back. The first couple of days he would not talk to me or even let me see him. He lets me see him now and I am thankful. Like you, my husband decided to leave all by himself and it hurts more than I could have ever imagined.
I have never been very religious but I believe in God, and I have put this situation is his hands. No one but God knows how much I love this man and that I will fight, even if it’s alone, for our marriage until the end. I pray that God touches his heart and changes both of us. Please keep us in your prayers. Like I told my husband “say never all the times you want, I will be waiting because you will come back and we will be happy” I don’t care how long it takes. Our family is worth it.
(US) I am considering a separation. The guilt I feel is overwhelming. I have 2 children 9 and 11. I used to be able to deal with my husband being unreasonably moody. I used to ignore it, put up with it, and fight with him about it. I also had my part too. I never realized how controlling he was or still is. I have always been somewhat laid back, but he would get angry over the smallest of things and frustrated easily and angry if things didn’t go exactly his way.
We have been for counseling and I have gotten to the point where I feel I can’t deal with it. It just seems too hard to do. My heart isnt in it. Now I have constant anxiety over separating or not. I don’t want to of course, because of our children, but my life is a nightmare. I constantly pray, and have been looking at this website. I’m on medication to help but it really isn’t helping. He was verbally abusive for years and had stopped. We are in counseling but I think his anger is just a part of his personality. But I still can’t get past it.
I feel so much guilt it is agonizing. We don’t fight but I feel like we do because I act like the good girl and try to not do things to anger him. I try to prevent doing things that might make him angry. I am literally sick over all of this. This is honestly the worst thing I have ever been through in my life. I feel so much guilt, it is eating me alive. I’m a good person. I work with children and have given my heart and soul to my job. I’m so afraid of making the mistake of leaving him and it being wrong. If anyone can relate please let me know. Liz
(USA) Hello Liz. As a man whose wife left 3 months ago, I can assure you there are reasons your husband is such a jerk. I came to that realization after news of an affair and her walking out. Sometimes there needs to be a traumatic event to cause us to lower facades and face who we are and why we behave the way we do. For me, my first wife was killed suddenly in car accident. I was remarried 2 yrs later to my current wife.
I was never able to bring up the pain in my soul about my first wife. I had to pretend I did not miss her or had any pain. This caused resentment and unresolved pain for both of us. This grew and grew. From my perspective, I was angry and bitter with my new wife and God. This unresolved bitterness manifested in many ways that my new wife understood my actions that I did not love her. I did love her but my anger needed to be exposed and dealt with. I am willing now, but it might be too late for her!?!?
Bottom line, ask him what issues make him unhappy or angry. Just asking should help him know you actually care. That really helps break the ice. You should do the same, take your concerns to him, and most importantly, take each of your concerns to God, our wonderful counselor. God bless you both!
(US) Hi Michele, I am actually going through the same situation and I really want this marriage to work but his attitude is so bad that he doesn’t believe he has a problem and only blames me. As of now a week has passed by without no communication about us only the boys so at this point I doubt know where we stand. Any advice of I should move forward or if I give him all the time he needs? He currently has lot belongings still here at my house such as clothes, furniture etc any advice? Thanks, Cynthia
(UNITED STATES) Cindy, I am in same boat. My husband left me Monday October 1st. He still has many of his things in our home. I will not give up; I will fight. I am praying for you. If you want, we can “talk” here. It’s better to do it together than alone. I have barely been able to get out of bed. :(
(USA) I moved out of our home on Friday into an apartment. My husband has many many issues as a result of childhood trauma and his upbringing. I am relying on God to show me his path for our marriage. We have been married almost four years and dated for five years. I am 28 years old and feel lost and alone. I am going to continue to improve myself and work on personal growth. I am committed to finding happiness within myself. I cannot depend upon another person to bring me happiness.
I feel sad, angry and alone. I am just trying to get past each day and thanking God for getting me through each day. Blessings to all.
(CANADA) My Husband is leaving today for a 3 month trial separation. He is feeling empty inside and doesn’t seem to want to work on our 17 year marriage. Our kids 15, 13 and 12 are confused and hurt. The counselor suggested this as he feels it will help my husband. I just pray to God he works on our marriage and doesn’t think this is a free for all. I don’t know how much contact to have with him. I think I should let him be for the first couple of weeks and see where his mind is then. He is staying in our trailer at his mother’s farm. Hopefully she will get him to open up to God and God will lead him home to his family.
(USA) Wow! My husband told me to leave about 3 weeks ago and move back into my then vacant house that wasn’t selling. We went to a “Christian” counselor two times this spring; the second visit in April, the counselor said, “maybe you should just separate.” I think this is what my husband wanted to hear. He was and still is so very angry with me about everything.
Last Saturday was our 1 year anniversary. He told me that the last year was a “waste” of his time and life. Wow, again! I have been in nursing school for the past year of our marriage, drove 186 miles round trip each day, mothered our 4 children together (3 his, and 1 my biological); it has been a rough transition. But, I do not doubt for a second that God is not bigger than all of our circumstances of two houses, tight finances, raising four children, moving, where to go to church, etc. It has piled on so much stress that I have wanted to walk away several times. I did tell my husband many times, “this is just too hard, I think I should leave.” But, truly my heart has never been to end this marriage. This man has my heart; albeit, he now claims he threw my heart away.
He says that reconciliation is the right choice, but he is making no efforts to do anything toward reconciliation. He is turning his 3 children against me; that was very apparent last weekend when we saw each other for our 1 year anniversary. There was a lot of disrespect toward me and my son the whole weekend.
Now, I do see that I have to stay away, pray, and be sold out to Jesus. There is such a coldness from him that he doesn’t care what words he uses. My heart is just crushed and in pain. I believe that separation is wrong. There needs to be a mutual peace, a set time for prayer and fasting, and and agreement as in 1 Corinthians 7. The decision was made in the last 15 minutes of a counseling session as a “goal.” It went back and forth in his mind, and this is how it has ended up. I told him two weeks ago that I refuse to file for divorce. It is wrong.
(PHILIPPINES) For a long time now, I’m still afraid to find out that my husband is already comfortable with somebody. It’s a good thing that I came into this site. I believe that my husband loved me before he left three years and 4 months ago, but now I’m confused. We seem to be good friends now especially when it comes to our daughter, except that he does not want to talk about “us” anymore.
Upon reading the different situations above, I’ve realized the value of waiting. He is still wearing our wedding bond though he told me that there’s no way for our marriage to be restored. My heart is willing to wait until the end.
(PHILIPPINES) I was out of the country for nine months (and for almost 2 years earlier) to pursue my postgrad studies in the UK but returned to the Philippines last December to spend the holidays with my wife and kids. Several circumstances (backed up by hard evidences) led me to believe that my wife of nine years is having an affair with another man. Her own sister and a house companion confided in me what they know. I even received numerous anonymous text messages telling me that my wife is seeing another man every time she’s out of town (mostly during the weekends, when she would tell me she’s either visiting her parents who live in a far-flung village or she’s on an official travel).
I spoke to my wife many times on the matter (usually in a cordial and gentle manner although at times it became hostile and insulting because of how defensively mad she reacted). She angrily denied having an affair with someone. She reprimanded her sister and our house companion. She vented her anger on me, telling me on numerous occasions that it’s better off that we separate because we are always fighting and that both of us are no longer happy in each other’s company. We never spoke since then but communicated only thru text messages even when we were in the same house! We also slept in separate rooms. My kids would sleep with her.
I left the Philippines last month (with a heavy heart and unanswered questions) to return to my postgrad studies here in the UK and more importantly, to give my wife space and time to reflect on her own. Barely five days since my arrival in the UK, I learned that my wife and two children went out of town for one week. She informed her officemate that she’s taking our kids for a vacation to her parents’ place. But when I called her parents, I was told that she and my kids were not there. Her cellphone was turned off the whole week. When I finally contacted her, she insisted that they went to her parents until I told her that she was lying as I’ve already spoken to her parents. Feeling cornered, she angrily said they went to a “friend” for a vacation, but she refused to tell me who this “friend” is. Last week, I learned from my wife’s officemate that she and our kids went out of town “again” for one week. Her cellphone is turned off again so I couldn’t greet my kid on his birthday last Thursday. When it finally rang on the same day, she didn’t answer my call. After numerous re-dials, a strange thing happened: she has unknowingly pressed the receiver button of her cellphone so I heard her conversing with a “man” (who she called with a “term of endearment”) and with my kids. Later that day, she sent me a text message telling me she took the kids to a swimming pool-resort and that she is exhausted the whole day so she cannot answer my call. She then turned her cellphone off and never turned it on again.
I don’t know what went wrong with our marriage. I have been a very faithful husband to her all these years. I admit that I have shortcomings (because of being away from my wife and kids most of the times) but never did I attempt to even flirt with another woman even while I am here in the UK. I’ve always asked her that both of us should be open, sincere, and honest to each other so that love, trust, and faith will fluorish and lubricate our marriage. It’s really painful and unfair especially with the thought that my kids are being exposed to my wife’s “extra-marital liaisons”.
Please pray for me to go through all these. Although I am furiously mad at my wife, I also ask you to pray that she comes to her senses and realize the serious implications of what she has been doing. I don’t know if time will heal the wounds that she initiated or if time can still provide for a mechanism that will revive an obviously dying marriage. I’m really hurting right now.