The following article is written to women who are dealing with their husbands who have left them, but the same principles can also apply to men who are dealing with their wives who have left. During separation, time can be your friend, whether you are a woman or a man. We encourage you to pray, glean, and see what God could be saying to your heart.
“They that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings as eagles.“ (Isaiah 40:31)
Because your emotions are so turbulent, you may think no happy answer to your situation is possible. Your thoughts may run the gamut from a fairy-tale ending to the worst possible outcome. When you find yourself in this state for very long,you may be tempted to do whatever will give a clean resolution. You may want closure, even if that means doing what you really don’t want to do. But making rash decisions may be something you will woefully regret later. Time may be your friend, if you let it.
Difficult Advice to Hear
When this disaster first swooped down upon me, my friend Toni Jo said something that shocked me at first. I didn’t want to hear it.
“Don’t be in a hurry,” she said. “Give him as much time as he needs. He’s confused and needs to figure himself out. Tell him to take a year if he needs to figure out what he wants.”
“A year!” I exclaimed. “A year?”
“What’s a year in a whole lifetime?” she asked. “If it takes a year for him to figure things out, and then you have thirty more happy years together after that, wouldn’t it be worth it?”
As it turned out, it took three years for my husband and me, not one. But yes, it was worth it.
Don’t Make Rash Decisions
Trusting God includes waiting on him to do whatever he is trying to do during this process. Because God does not force his loving work into our lives, making rash decisions can preclude God from accomplishing new dimensions of spiritual and emotional growth in you and your mate as well as others around you. We need to give God time.
Waiting is extremely hard when each day weighs us down with an eternity of suffering. But time has a way not only of healing but also of giving perspective. What may seem true to your mate today may look different to him tomorrow. Each new encounter between the two of you can set him or you off in a different relational direction, either positive or negative.
Many years of clutter may need to go through the filter before the gemstones of your life together can become clear. If your husband has separated from you, he may be trying not to even think about you now. He may be focusing only on what he can make sense of. And that probably is not you and your relationship. Most likely he is filling his mind with work and other interests that keep him aloof emotionally.
During Separation Time Can Be Your Friend
During moments of deep depression, when you really want to give up, pick up your Bible and let God speak to you. Listen to what he says to you at that particular time. He wants to strengthen you, and you need strong wings if you’re going to mount up on the wings like eagles. Wait on the Lord. Remember, he is able to do more than we could ever imagine. But sometimes it requires time.
“Lift your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them each by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing. Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel, ‘My way is hidden from the LORD, my cause is disregarded by my God?’
“Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
“Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint“ (Isaiah 40:26-31).
This article is written by Linda W. Rooks and comes from the book, Broken Heart on Hold: Surviving Separation
You can also visit Linda’s Web site at Brokenheartonhold.com where she has “individually formatted a number of Bible verses for your strength and encouragement.”
Filed under: Separation and Divorce
(USA) Tonight I will ask my husband, whom I love very much, not to come home. Our first night of a trial seperation. I don’t know how long it will last. It seems as a result of our inactive sex life, due to his cheating. He has decided it is ok to satisfy his desire for sex by storking my personal areas while I am asleep. I have lived this year of lies since his infidelity was discovered and I do not trust his word well enough to believe he will stop doing this to me. I no longer feel safe to lie next to my husband at night. I am too hurt to have sex. Why would he be so insensitive to molest me in my sleep? Every shred of safety with my husband is gone. I believe God wants us not to divorce. What will it take for my husband to stop hurting me?
(SOUTH AFRICA) He left and refuses to talk or work things out, so I am giving him the time he needs to think things through, however, I am now suspecting another woman, motivating and adding to our problems. He said he hates, does not want this marriage, and has nothing but hurtful things to say. It’s as if we were never happy once, like this is one big mistake for him. I am hurt and going through real life hell. I have been praying and see no signs of hope. If God hates divorce, why does he allow marrieges fail, separations to lead to divorce? We need a divine miracle, I’ll pray for everyone and keep the faith.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi there Lindy, We are in the same boat. My husband too doesn’t want to work at our marriage. I too am suspecting another woman. We have a 4 year old son, and he doesn’t seem to care what this is doing to our son. I’m battling to keep it together for my son’s sake. it’s soo difficult!!! He too doesn’t have anything nice to say, only hurtful insults.
(USA) Hello I feel for the 2 of you. I am going through the same thing with my wife. We have been married for 10 yrs and together for 12 yrs. I had a very very bad childhood and never told anyone about molestings and other things that happend to me. I do not beat her or our 2 kids, 8 and 6. I do not drink nor do drugs. I was mad at the world and full of hate and depressed all the time when we were at home. I was good to her and our kids.
I grew up very poor and thought if I bought them everything they wanted it made them happy… that’s how I showed love. I was not romantic, I did buy her a spa and salon along with new yukons and tahoes every 2 yrs along with everything else I could give her. I am a jealous guy and I do not mean to be. I love her very much. She left me a month ago, for a separation and 3 days later she wanted a divorce. I am heartbroken.
Every day she said hateful things to me, she wasted 12 yrs on me, she does not love me, she can’t stand to see me in the same room ..etc. etc. etc. It hurts soo much. I do work out of state for 3 weeks or so at a time so she does not have to see me and I do get to talk to my kids a lot. I thank God for that. I have gone to God and pray every day 10 times to 20 times a day asking him for help. I have let go of my past and am still working on it. I have no anger, hatred, or racism in me. I never want to go back to being the same guy again; I am so happy.
I know I hurt her but I also know she would never see anyone else. I go home tomorrow and she said she will have dinner with me but does not want to spend the evening with me, just dinner and that’s it. She also wanted me to buy her plane tickets for her and our kids to see my sister for 4 days. So I have a lot of hope that it will work out now that God has showed me how I was acting.
Please pray for my family and I am praying for everyone on here going through the same thing.
(USA) I will pray for you. I can relate to you and your wife. My estranged husband of 32 years sent me a text like you, received a couple of weeks ago and blocked my phone number. We have been separated two years due to his alcoholism and mental abuse. We were trying to work it out. It’s in God’s hands now. God bless you and your family. I wish the best for you.
(USA) You are right to give God time. He will work everthing out. 6 yrs ago my wife, after my mother passed away, told me we were done and she took everything out of my house and moved in with another man. I prayed and prayed; it seem like nothing was working. The way I was praying was wrong. I was praying for the Lord to send her home and then I started to pray, Lord, let her be happy even it means me not being with her.
And then the Lord turned everything around. But now here is the problem, she wants another divorce after 6 yrs. We have problems over my stepdaughter so please pray I can get and keep my love for her because what the Lord put together let no man tear apart. So please pray for my marrige and my family. Thank you, amen.
(USA) The article is very promising. Tomorrow will be exactly 2 months that my husband told me he was done and he resented me. I was so blind sided, I’m still so hurt. Due to financial reasons he sleeps on the couch while I sleep in our bed. It hurts so bad. I miss him terribly. We have had good moments where we get along make jokes, but then I get so frustrated and don’t understand how he can’t know if he loves me. My friend keeps telling me to give him time, but it is so hard, when all I want is him. We have 3 boys, our family is supposed to stay together. But I don’t help. I have thought about entrusting the Lord, maybe it would take away the horrible, chest pounding pain I feel, but we haven’t had a relationship for a very long time.
(KENYA) I have dated this man for 6 years now. We have a two year old child. I may be wrong but for a while I felt that he insisted on getting a child with me to ensure that I stay bound to him coz he loves me and knows I’m the best woman for him. But he hasn’t been ready to settle. The reason he is not able to marry officially in my opinion, is that for a long time he has wasted money on alcohol and because of that he isn’t abe to plan. He has some of the greatest ideas but never implements them. I haven’t been a strong Christian explaining why I was able to fall into all this initially, but now i am.
I’ve tried for long to push him to stop drinking irresponsibly and sometimes he deceives me into thinking he has stopped but goes back. Just when I thought he has become organised and we moved in together, planning for marriage, he started insulting me when drunk. Though it didn’t happen daily, it hurt me greatly and we have been distant and constantly in conflict for a while now, so that we havent been able to make any plans. I feel his alcohol is the problem. He blames me for the problems saying my option is to leave when there are problems other than solving them.
I feel I have solved so many of the same problems for years, all surrounding the issue of alcohol that I have no strength to fight. I’m scared of what the future may be if we continue. I separated from him yesterday and though we were not legally married I’m devastated and so is he. He says I should have stayed to help him with the problem instead of leaving but I feel I’ve been trying to help him but he resists when I try to help.
Was I wrong to leave? I didnt know how else I’d help him, considering he seems to barely listens when he is wrong and he sees the alcohol as a problem but keeps goin to it. He isn’t addicted but has a lot of spare time and uses it on alcohol. Please help with ideas if you can. A part of me is still with him but I know I can’t live the kind of life he wants us to live coz I can’t accept him with the alcohol.
(USA) My husband and I have been married for 13 months. He is a good, kind hearted, funny, gentle, caring and loving man who has been good to me. However, the last couple of months he has stopped talking to me, works all the time, does not make time for me, is short and angry with me, and has been telling me that we need to talk. Everytime he came home from work or I talked to him on the phone, I tried to get him to talk but he said he had to get his head right and kept pushing it back.
Finally he told me that he is not happy, does not want a divorce but does not like where we are at right now and wants to separate, take a step back and get to know each other. I do not agree but have no choice so we are separated I rarely hear from him now, am confused, my heart is broken but I have been praying and talking to GOD and he has been showing me some things.
First he led me to the scripture Psalm 46:10 which says Be still and know that I am GOD. He has also led me to others but this one really touched my spirit because I believe this is what he wants for me and all of us on this site. GOD wants us to seek him, pray and talk to him, and let go and let him do his work in our marriages. This is a battle for him to fight for us. We need to take our hands completely off of the situation. We need to put our marriages on the alter for GOD and not pick them back up. I know I personally in the past have claimed I have given a situation to GOD and then taken it back from him because I had to have my hands all in the mix. We need to leave our marriages on the alter and remember that this is the time when we have to show GOD that we know all things are possible through him and not through us. I believe he can touch my husband’s heart in ways that are unimaginable and that he can restore my marriage. I also believe this is a time for him to do unimaginable things in me. I believe I am a child of GOD and am already victorious over satan’s attempt to destroy my family.
I will pray for all of you and your marriages and ask that you do the same for mine. I hope this helps someone as I know reading your posts have helped me.
(USA) My husband and I have had issues with past infidelity, physical and or emotional on both sides. We have grown apart. Even though my husband did try to regain my trust and vice versa, I think he tried harder than I did. I have had numerous doubts of his fidelity over the years when he’s claimed it all ended over 3 years ago. We have had about 3 arguments in the last 4 months that nearly ended in divorce, we made up after each one. I thought we were fine.
He went away on a 3 day business trip that turned into 3 weeks. While he was gone I went to visit family. He came home just at the end of my trip and moved out of our house before I returned. I was blindsided and am really devastated. At first his reaction to me was cold and seemed heartless. But we’ve seen each other a few times in the last 3 weeks with and without our 3 children. He’s pulled away from many of our hugs until yesterday. We’ve not discussed what we are doing… if we are going to try to work it out or if we are just working on an amicable separation.
I do not want a divorce and would rather he come home now. He’s told me he loves me and misses me a few times. BUT I will go a day or so without hearing from him at all. After a very nice day with him and the kids yesterday, he and I shared a long hug, he kissed my cheek and we told each other we loved each other and that we had nice time. He said “it’s a good start.” THEN I asked him for the address where he’s staying in case of emergency because his cell phoned is turned off at nights, and he replied he’ll “think about it” said he doesn’t think he wants me to have his address just yet.
Of course, this sets off alarms in my head that it’s because he’s living with another woman. I am trying to keep faith and believe that it’s not the case. I love this man with all my heart and do not want our marriage to end. I am trying to be patient and trying not to smother him, but my fear is if I step back he’ll get used to not having me near and it will be easier for him to file for divorce in a year.
I have trouble sleeping, cry numerous times a day. I am afraid of being without him. I am trying very hard to believe God will reconcile my marriage and fix what is wrong with us. It is a difficult thing for me to do. Please say a prayer for us, many prayers if you could. I would really like to have him home this summer. The kids and I miss him and love him so much. He travels for work so much as it is… to have his things back in the house while he’s away would be comforting.
(U.S.A) I left my husband a year ago due to infidelity, mental abuse and physical abuse. I could not take any more of the pain he was causing the family. I had 3 minor children before the marriage, he had no involvement in their lives and they lived in the household with us. My children began to act out at home and school with many behavior problems. I knew it had to do a lot with my marital problems. I’m a Christian and serve God to the fullest I know how. I have a daily relationship with Him and put him first in my life.
At this point and time I’m confused if I want the marriage saved and I believe it’s because I have not completely healed from 6 years of abuse and unfaithfulness. Now that I have moved out he seems to be more angry and bitter toward me. He stated he did not want the marriage and did not care if I file for a divorce. When I first left my intentions were to give our marriage a rest for at least a year. Now I’m at the point of how long should I wait when he seems not to care to make it work or to seek professional help? I don’t know what God is doing but please pray for my marriage. By the way, since I have left my kids state they are much happier and feel safe and my children are doing 100% better in school and home. I was amazed with their behavior and progress. I thank God for all and give Him the praise.
(UNITED STATES) My husband and I separated three months ago, after 18 1/2 years of marriage. I heard it all, he doesn’t love me and hasn’t for some time, I nag, I complain, It’s like a prison here, I never made our house a home. I finally said I give up, you want divorced I will agree to it. He and I both saw lawyers, decided dissolution would be the best.
I wrote down what I thought was a generous amount for me and my two children and basically left him everything else, we own 8 rental homes, our own, and a building with 5 apartments, and 4 store fronts. Then I get I’m not pushing for divorce yet, just need time and space, and he wants his own place.
He is currently living with his sister, while the children and I are in our family home. I am trying to not text, call or relate to him on any type of emotional level. I will text him about the kids, or the business and I get short answers. He never texts me first. I wrote him a letter, just a short one and said, “look I know I have been acting crazy (text terrorism), I also know that this separation was probably the best thing for the both of us, and I signed my name.”
I am walking in faith that God will bring my husband home, but he is out doing all types of things that I am not even sure about, he said he isn’t cheating and doesn’t want anyone else? I have my faults, I ran up credit card bills early in our marriage, took money out of savings unbeknownst to him, and I bounced a couple checks. I am in therapy to change those rotten behaviors, and I have asked him to join me, but he said he doesn’t think it’ll do any good, so all I can do is sit and wait!
I am going back to school in the fall, as I have primarily been a stay at home mom, and I am going to keep on keeping on, all prayers for my family and my marriage would greatly be appreciated.
(U.S) My husband has been telling me for a month that on July 1st I need to find a place because he wanted to move out. We have caused so much pain to each other and he says that with the job he has as a police officer he cannot deal with the stress and fighting. The thing is that I have been crying for months and months about our relationship and prayed for it to be saved. On June 28th 2010 I got home from work and he had packed all his things and was gone. Two days later the cops came knocking on my door and served me a summons for child visitation and a temporary order of protection.
The visitation rights, I don’t have a problem with. My problem was the temporary order of protection and all he lies he stated. Some were true but I said them two years ago, out of anger. He said things to me as well but I would never do that to him and risk his job. I went to the court and got a child support summons which is for August. My parents, his parents and his aunts and brother helped me move all my kids and my stuff and put it in storage until I find an apartment. I am living with my parents.
Both families keep contact everyday and he calls my mother. Since I moved, God gave me the strength to remain calm and has healed the hurt in my heart. Sometimes I feel like crying, but I keep myself occupied in other things. I wish the Lord would restore our marriage and revive the love that’s burried between us. I haven’t lost my faith and pray to God for us and the children everyday. I ask you all to pray for us and I let go and let God. He’s out of my hands and now in GODS hands. Like they say if you love something, you set it free; if it comes back to you it’s yours; if it doesn’t it never was. My kids cry everyday. They are 5 and 6 and say they want us to be a family again.
(USA) I am so heart broken right now and it’s all my fault. My husband and I have been married for a little over a year and I have cheated emotionally twice. He took me back the first time after 3 months and I thought I could change and for a while I did. But within about a year I got addicted to the attention I was getting on an Instant Messenger from guys I knew. I didn’t have any feelings for them, but I also didn’t stop it either even though I knew my husband was worth so much more.
He left 8 days ago and hasn’t had much contact with me. He will sometimes reply to emails and some of my texts but they are all uncertain. I feel like I’m losing my mind cause I have no control of what my husband is going to decide to do. I adore him. I don’t know why I allowed situations like this to happen, but I have decided it wasn’t the life for me. My husband deserves to have someone treat him better, so I have started going to counceling for myself (he said he doesn’t believe in it). I have also erased any means of communication with men and recently started living my life for God. Since I can’t seem to get through to my husband, I am going to leave it in God’s hands. He knows how this is going to turn out, I am hoping we remain married so I have been praying for someone to speak the word of God to my husband. I am praying for strength for both of us and for my children (from a previous relationship) and am hoping that I get the chance of a lifetime to prove how much I love him.
Also, I just wanted all of you to know that I understand you’re hurting and I am praying for you all as well. You have all touched my heart and I will continue to ask God to guide you all to everlasting happiness. God Bless you all!
(US) Hi Billie! (((HUGS))) I would like to tell you, that you are forgiven. Yes, you made mistakes with your marriage but God can heal you and your husband. I do not know you (obviously) but it seems that the attention you were getting from these men were a sort of validation from you. While I am pretty sure your husband was giving you the same validation or he would not have married you, nonetheless, you might have felt a bit of a high and good about yourself hearing nice things from other men.
If you genuinely want your husband back, give your marriage to God. Also, please make sure whatever issues you had (stemming from childhood, negative self-image, low self-esteem, et cetera) are resolved. God hates divorce and wants to restore you but in order to do so, you must do some work on yourself first.
Do not tell your husband you’ve changed. SHOW HIM you’ve changed. He probably feels afraid to trust you again and no matter how much he wants you back and for things to work, has formed a wall.
I will continue to pray for your situation and know that your husband already has a powerful Healer dealing with his pain. God can heal everything and everyone!!!
(UNITED STATES) This article helped a lot. The comments also helped me to not feel so alone.
I found out last week that my husband cheated on me last fall with a woman who pretended to be my friend. This would be more forgiveable, but she had a child 9 months later, a baby girl (we have 2 boys and I wanted a girl someday). We will be going for a paternity test soon.
I am the one who left. We have counseling today and I told him that if he wasn’t there then I would take it as he doesn’t want to try and be gone. I hurt too much to be in the same house. I gave him a “last chance”. He hasn’t had a job in a year and a half and we live in a falling down trailer house. I just can’t take it anymore. I want things to work so bad, but I need what I need. I told him to find a job and a decent home to rent. The entire situation is so complicated and I hurt so bad. (I helped throw her a baby shower.) I pray and pray, but I said what I said and have to stick to it. I’ve prayed with my husband. Right now it hurts too bad to see anything past the pain.
(USA) This article and everyone’s comments really helped me. It is a crazy small world because I found out that the “Toni Jo” referred to in the article is actually the same one that works at my church, and has been offering me support through my own separation. I like how God works :)
I found out last year that my husband had a 4 month affair while we were engaged (and saving ourselves for marriage ironically enough). While it was devastating to learn about a year and a half into our marriage, with God’s strength I was able to forgive him and we moved forward with counseling as well as working a 12 step program (he’s had a history of addictive/compulsive behavior). He exhibited all signs of someone who was remorseful and repentent of his actions; for about a year.
Then one by one lies started coming undone, questionable websites and phone numbers started to crop up. He admitted that he never really changed, and he was only doing it to make me happy, and not because he cared about being a godly man. He said there’s been no physical cheating since we’ve been married, but the porn, chatrooms, webcams, texting, etc. have all continued. He then said he didn’t know if he even believed in God, even though he’s been actively and passionately involved at our church and has shown all signs of being a great spiritual leader in our home.
He left about 2 weeks ago. He said he doesn’t know “when or if” he’ll be ready to ever be a husband to me, and that he wanted to let me go before he causes any further damage. I get frustrated because I feel like that’s a cop out. He said that he won’t divorce me though. It’s hard, it’s like he keeps putting our marriage on life support, and I’m left with the burden of when to pull the plug… Please pray for us.
(USA) I asked my husband to leave yesterday. I am mostly worried that he is fed, that he has all his things ready for work, and he is not hurt where this would affect his daily schedule. But when I think if I’d want something romantic with him I don’t. I’m not attracted to him anymore. All we did was fight and I found every reason to stay busy and unattached to him.
He did ask me for “us” time but I would avoid it at all costs. Right now I’m feeling like I’m a bad person for doing this to him… But for 4 yrs I’ve been feeling like a prisoner in my own home. I never knew how much money we had, I couldn’t spend money without consulting with him, and there was always that reminder by him of “I pay for everything you have.” He is a good dad but I don’t know that we work together anymore. Please pray that he finds comfort and he is healed soon. And pray that I give God his time to do his job! Thank you.
(USA) Why would you marry someone and then throw them out of your life? It sounds like your husband is a great guy. He provides for you, he asks for time alone with you so he can develop a close relationship with you, perhaps make love. What do you do to reward him? You throw him out and say you are not attracted to him.
If you feel so bad, why didn’t you just leave instead of throwing him out of his own home? Why didn’t you get attached instead of unattached? You complain about having to ask for money, but you describe person habits that ensured you would not be romantically attached to him. So you are saying you wanted him to trust you, but you were doing everything possible to ensure he’d never really feel close to you, even when he was asking.
If you don’t work anymore and he’s a good dad, ask him to come back home and let him raise his child without his ungrateful wife who doesn’t love him. He was trying to build a family and you want to throw him out of that family because of how you feel about him. That’s the most selfish thing I’ve heard of.
It’s your feelings, so perhaps you should go and leave him to raise his child/children without you. You certainly shouldn’t be rewarded for this behavior by being the primary custodian of the children and expecting a man you refused to love to support you in any way in the future.
I pray that YOU are healed soon and see how hurtful and counter to what God teaches us your view is. As long as you are unwilling to honor your vows and continue to make excuses why you cannot honor your marriage vows I pray that you are healed. I also pray that if you are not healed of this, that God will make sure that you are the one left out in the cold for throwing your husband out of his family.
I don’t blame him for saying he pays for everything, because he’s tried to build a family and in your own words, you admit that you’ve fought against that. You remained busy and unattached simply because of your feelings.
The last time I checked, there was no romantic attraction pre-condition in the Bible with respect to your vows. There was no allowance for divorce if you don’t feel romantically attached to your spouse. There is scripture saying separations need to be mutually agreed upon and only for a short time so that neither of you are tempted into sin.
So have you followed this Biblical guideline, or did you just kick him out because you felt like it? I do pray that God works in your heart and shows you how you are breaking your vows.
(US) I will keep you all in my prayers and believe that God is not a respecter of persons. If He did it for one marriage, He can do it for all. I got married at 20 years old and now it has been 11 years. I cheated on my husband after 2 years of marriage for 9 months. I verbally abused him throughout and he left in July. All of the abuse I went through in my home, I recreated the same pain with my husband. I remember there being times I would get cursed at so much growing up I couldn’t breathe and would hyperventilate for hours. Yet, I did the same thing to my husband. He knows what I’ve been through but I finally pushed him to the limit.
I have sought counseling at my church. I have repented and for the first time in my life, I feel whole again. I came into my marriage broken, arrogant and thought I knew all about love. Please pray for me as I will keep all of you in my heart throughout the day, lifted up in prayer.