The following article is written to women who are dealing with their husbands who have left them, but the same principles can also apply to men who are dealing with their wives who have left. During separation, time can be your friend, whether you are a woman or a man. We encourage you to pray, glean, and see what God could be saying to your heart.
“They that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings as eagles.“ (Isaiah 40:31)
Because your emotions are so turbulent, you may think no happy answer to your situation is possible. Your thoughts may run the gamut from a fairy-tale ending to the worst possible outcome. When you find yourself in this state for very long,you may be tempted to do whatever will give a clean resolution. You may want closure, even if that means doing what you really don’t want to do. But making rash decisions may be something you will woefully regret later. Time may be your friend, if you let it.
Difficult Advice to Hear
When this disaster first swooped down upon me, my friend Toni Jo said something that shocked me at first. I didn’t want to hear it.
“Don’t be in a hurry,” she said. “Give him as much time as he needs. He’s confused and needs to figure himself out. Tell him to take a year if he needs to figure out what he wants.”
“A year!” I exclaimed. “A year?”
“What’s a year in a whole lifetime?” she asked. “If it takes a year for him to figure things out, and then you have thirty more happy years together after that, wouldn’t it be worth it?”
As it turned out, it took three years for my husband and me, not one. But yes, it was worth it.
Don’t Make Rash Decisions
Trusting God includes waiting on him to do whatever he is trying to do during this process. Because God does not force his loving work into our lives, making rash decisions can preclude God from accomplishing new dimensions of spiritual and emotional growth in you and your mate as well as others around you. We need to give God time.
Waiting is extremely hard when each day weighs us down with an eternity of suffering. But time has a way not only of healing but also of giving perspective. What may seem true to your mate today may look different to him tomorrow. Each new encounter between the two of you can set him or you off in a different relational direction, either positive or negative.
Many years of clutter may need to go through the filter before the gemstones of your life together can become clear. If your husband has separated from you, he may be trying not to even think about you now. He may be focusing only on what he can make sense of. And that probably is not you and your relationship. Most likely he is filling his mind with work and other interests that keep him aloof emotionally.
During Separation Time Can Be Your Friend
During moments of deep depression, when you really want to give up, pick up your Bible and let God speak to you. Listen to what he says to you at that particular time. He wants to strengthen you, and you need strong wings if you’re going to mount up on the wings like eagles. Wait on the Lord. Remember, he is able to do more than we could ever imagine. But sometimes it requires time.
“Lift your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them each by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing. Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel, ‘My way is hidden from the LORD, my cause is disregarded by my God?’
“Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
“Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint“ (Isaiah 40:26-31).
This article is written by Linda W. Rooks and comes from the book, Broken Heart on Hold: Surviving Separation
You can also visit Linda’s Web site at Brokenheartonhold.com where she has “individually formatted a number of Bible verses for your strength and encouragement.”
Filed under: Separation and Divorce
(USA) My husband and I have been separated for exactly 6 months today with no communication or contact as we now live in different states since separation. He will not reply to my messages or calls and has informed me that he will file for divorce when we qualify for it. (I cringe when I even hear that word.) I have done everything possible to reach out to my husband and save our marraige, and he keeps pushing me further and further away.
For about 4 months now, I have decided to not communicate with him and give him his space in hopes that he would miss me and reach out to me and call. He has not. My birthday is in just a few days and I fear he will not call me or wish me a happy birthday either. I am terrified that our marriage will soon end; I want no one else other than him. I have kept in prayer each and every single day of our separation praying to see the day (soon) when we are reunited in love and in happiness.
Something keeps me holding onto our marriage and I can’t let go. I love this man with all of my heart and truly feel he is my soulmate and I pray God leads us back to each other. There are a lot of negative influences that my husband subjects himself too as well as temptations, but I keep in faith that GOD WILL save our marriage.
Please pray for our marriage, I cannot be with anyone other than my husband. Thank you so much. God bless, Rose
(MAS) Hi rose, I was wondering how are you doing now?
(USA) I’m in the same boat Rose. Love my wife so much but she left me and aborted our 24 week baby.
(S.AFRICA) Dear Rose, Your story is so much like mine. We even have the same name. My husband left me (after 37 years of marriage) for over two years and was working in Libya for one year of that. During that time there was little communication and I also decided to give him space to hopefully come to his senses. Unfortunately there was another woman involved drawing him further and further away. She lived in New Zealand and he would fly there as often as possible to be with her. He wanted a divorce (she divorced her husband and was waiting). The pain and rejection is unbearable I know, but I kept praying for God’s help and guidance. I never gave up hope and neither must you.
He is back! We are working on restoring our marriage. Praise the Lord. It is not easy and the emotional and financial consequences are huge. There is one lesson I have had to learn and that is ONLY God can change hearts. ONLY God is in control. No matter what we say or do, nothing can help until we “let go and let God”. Be strong and faithful to God and your husband. Bless you; I feel your pain.
(USA) Me and my wife have been married for 8 1/2 years, but have been separated for the last three weeks. Over the years, I have made many mistakes and things were never properly dealt with. It got to the point where she asked for a separation and is considering divorce. I prayed long and cried many tears, hoping that this could have been avoided, but I feel God allowed it to happen for a reason. I am praying now that the Lord would speak to her and soften her heart and I am standing for the healing and restoration of my marriage.
I pray daily, read scripture, and try to better my relationship with God. The hurt is so intense sometimes, but I do the best I can to give it to God every day. I love my wife very much and one thing she did say was that if God laid it upon her heart, she WOULD reconcile with me. I ask your prayers that not only would we be reconciled, but also that God blesses and protects us both during our separation.
(US) My husband and I have been married almost 6 yrs and separated for 3 months. I pray many times a day that God will heal his pain and open his heart to come back to me. I have been jealous. I have said very hurtful things during times of anger. He has as well but not like I have! I don’t believe he has been unfaithful.
During his time of anger, he walks away and tends to leave or refuses to acknowledge me and ignores me for periods of time. There are many times I have put my children ahead of my husband and probably shouldn’t have… God says to honor your husband. I don’t think I’ve done that enough and have made him feel low on my priority list. He asked me to leave and I did. What comunication we have is sparse and he states he is just being civil.
I can tell he still loves me but is afraid of getting hurt again. I want to show him I have realized the things I need to do to make him feel he is important to me and our marriage is everything to me! He is a good, loving man! We always promised each other we would spend our lives together forever and always love each other! I love my husband with all my heart and soul! I truly want our marriage to turn around and be a happy, loving one. I want for him to know we can make our marriage work together!
Like so many on here… I know all I can do is let God handle this one! I’m confused and hurt and want my husband back in my arms! Please pray for my marriage, as we pray for others, to put our marriages in God’s hands and trust in Him that we will do what’s right and follow God’s word! May God bless you all!
(USA) B.J, My thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time. My husband and I are also separated so I can personally relate to your pain. While these last few months have been the most emotionally exhausting of my entire life I believe there is still hope for my husband and our marriage. I have used this time apart to work on myself and allow God to really work in my life and change me into the wife that my husband needs.
To my suprise the changes I have made in myself and my approach to my marriage and my husband have inspired changes in him as well. While our progress is small and slow I have been blessed with the peace and patience to allow God to work in his own time. I would like to suggest some books that have been so helpful for me during this journey in hopes that they can help you and your marriage in the same way they have helped mine, “The God Empowered Wife” by K. B. Haught and “The Power of a Praying Wife.” I’ll keep you in my prayers! May God bless you and your family.
(USA) I am so thankful for this post. It is amazing how God allows us to stumble upon exactly the encouragment we need to continue to get through life’s challenges.
(US) I posted a comment in Spring 2010 about my husband and I being separated and I just wanted to post an update. We have been separated for 10 months with no communication for 7 months. My husband wanted the separation and I did not. When he and I separated, I was devastated. I loved this man, believed in this man, thought this man was great. Everyday my heart ached and I cried.
But now I am better. I still love my husband, I still believe in my husband, I still think he is a great man but my heart does not ache and I do not cry except for every now and then. I have been standing for my marriage since we separated and I will not stop unless God shows me that it is not his will for us to reconcile. But everything that God has shown me has told me that when God says the time is right, my husband and I will be reconciled. God is doing a new thing in me and a new thing in my husband to prepare us for our reconciliation. I miss my husband and can’t wait until God says it is time, but in the mean time, I have just been delighting myself in the Lord and experiencing a peace that can not be explained.
During this time away from my husband, I have fallen in love with Jesus Christ. I have always loved the Lord but had not made him the head of my life until this situation. If I can give any advice, it would be to completely surrender yourself and your situation to the Lord, completely trust in the Lord, do not take advice or listen to the comments of anyone pertaining to your marriage – only listen to what God says, pray, fast and read the word of God, have unwavering faith that God is able to do all things to include restore your marriage, don’t go off of what you see because the enemy (Satan) will try to make you believe there is no progress, and finally, give continual thanks to the Lord in all things no matter what you are going through. Focus on the Lord and let him handle your situation. You can not fix the problem so take your hands off of the situation. Trust in the Lord!
(USA) K, Thank you so much for the update. I read everyones new replies daily, and wish I heard more updates. I always wonder where they are in their stand. My wife will be moving out in the next couple of weeks, and the Lord told me this was his will. He has perfect plans for me and I have been standing for this broken marriage (while she is still here) for the last several months.
This difficulty has also brought me to a closeness that I have never had before. It is amazing, how the enemy attacks so much harder… the closer and more intimate we become with God. Adversities are mounting weekly, if not daily at times. God is faithful, and if we perservere and stay faithful with Him… he will bless us even more, according to those adversities and faithfullness. May God bless you and I pray your reconsiliation is blessed beyond anything imaginable.
(USA) Hello everyone. I am guilty of straying from my wife. There are several problems that I was unaware of coming into the marriage that ended up eating me like a cancer. It took one trigger for me to take it too far. I am a sex addict.
Since the affair was uncovered (I was scared to tell her, yet still was out of control), I have moved out of the house. My wife stated that she wants to see me over a long period to see if I heal or become a better person. Along with the sexual side, I have issues with control, anger, putting walls up, which I believe are all part of my childhood, growing up, tied to the sexual side. I have been steadfast with counseling and groups (this all happened 2 weeks ago). I have found that in my darkest hour, I repented to the Lord, and accepted him as my Savior.
The Lord was there and has been lifting me up. I know I have a ways to go, but I told my wife that I still want the marriage. Her anger and hatred has been spewing for about 2 weeks now. I’ve been absorbing it because all of this is because of my wrong choices and I love her and want to keep our family together. She is now seeking legal separation, to set up guidelines for us. I’m guessing that she wants the marriage to survive, because she hasn’t slapped divorce papers on me.
Right now I am working on being a better man and a good father to my 10 and 8 yr old, who are hurting bad. I’m a little concerned because I have been seeing a Christian counselor, as well as some other outpatient therapies. I have reached out to my other Christian friends to help build a support system. The Christian counselor I see as the key. I have been praying for her to be compelled to go. Our old pastor had met with her and suggested that she go. But she has a secular friend and her sister living with her right now, and I think they are not helping the situation at all. I keep saying “How can I get her to Christian Counseling!”, and then I realize that I am powerless, and only through prayer and the Lord, will she be compelled.
I have a lot of worry about what’s to come in the future, which I pray for deliverance from my worry. I, at times, am great about putting it all to God, but at other times, I am weak. It’s a roller coaster. I wonder how long the anger and hatred will last. I’m not sure if I could take 6 months of her running me, and demeaning me, but my heart is telling me to stay the course. We desperately need to get into counseling together, but maybe it is too soon for her, because of anger. I’m just hurting for the destruction that I’ve caused. In the end I have become closer to the Lord. And if she can learn to trust me again, then it would be a blessed marriage. But does anyone have any advice, encouragement for me?
(USA) Johnny, I will keep you in my prayers. I too am going through the same as you. I was the one who had the affair. I’m praying she can forgive me and trust me again with her heart. We have been separated now for six weeks. I’m praying God will work a miracle in my families life and marriage. There are good days and bad days but I’m standing on God’s promises.
Make sure you keep fellowship with other Christian men. Keep praying and trusting God.
(USA) Please pray that God helps my estranged husband with his alcoholism and brings us back together. We have 32 yrs invested. God bless everyone else that posted and I wish all the luck and prayers to all of you.
(USA) I came home from work today March 11, 2011 and my husband had packed up his clothes and left me after 28 years of marriage. We have had trust issues in our marriage due several extra-marital affairs by him. He never really seemed to get how deep emotionally, his affairs hurt me. I never seemed to get over them but I stayed because I loved him and I didn’t want to be without him. The way he left me today is the way he has always treated me. He would just go and do what he wanted never, ever considering my feelings. He always made me feel like it was my fault.
Through our entire marriage I never felt valued or respected. I felt like I was not enough for him but I stayed. I am hurting so bad emotionally. Let me be the 1st to say in no way am I perfect and I am sure he sees it totally different but I have been faithful to him.
I have been up all night long because I can’t sleep and I started surfing the web and found this website. I have chose Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Saviour and I will serve him until the day I die. Please pray for me.
(CANADA) Paula, Shon, Narla and Isabelle -and those who are confused and hurting- I am releasing prayers of courage and hope for you today. I believe that God in His grace and mercy has led you to this Marriage Missions site, and He will provide rich counsel for you, through many of the articles and testimonies of hope. I want to bring you before the Father today. He knows you by name. He knows every hair on your head. He has loved you with and everlasting love. I encourage you to read Psalm 139, as a love letter from God to you.
I also encourage you to find someone that you can talk to who will just pray with you, and help you to believe in the active presence of God in your life. The person doesn’t necessarily have to be a counsellor, just someone who deeply loves and trusts the Lord and who believes in the best for both you and your spouse. If you need more help then seek the help that you need and don’t feel that you have failed because you require more resources or help. There is great strength in recognizing our own vulnerabilities,and needs and then having the courage to reach for the necessary help.
I would encourage you to go to the article on this site, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you anymore.” There is a powerful prayer from Stormie Omartian. She prays using scripture. Take this prayer as your own. Listen in your heart for what the Lord is highlighting for you. For instance if you read this part of the prayer, “Help me to remember that no matter what is happening in my life and in my marriage, You will never leave me or forsake me.” “Lord, I confess as sin any time I have felt hopeless about my situation and especially about important aspects of my marriage. Your Word says that ‘hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when desire comes, it is a tree of life’ (Proverbs 13:12). When time passes for so long and I see no change, I feel heartsick and hopeless. But I confess any hopelessness I have to You, for You have said that whatever doesn’t come from faith is sin…”
If you feel like, “Yes Lord, that’s how I feel- I feel hopeless.” Give that hopelessness to God, and ask Him to replace it with “Hope in Him.” Ask that you could agree with what God says about you and your marriage. Come to God with expectations for your heart alone to begin with during this difficult time. If you know that you are “agreeing with resentments, bitterness and anger” ask the Lord to help release you from the power of those emotions and change your focus. Begin to respond to God and thank Him that He is present and that His love is the most powerful force in the universe. Whatever you choose to focus on will become “large” in your view. Focus on the attributes of God- His goodness, His mercy, His awesome love…and your heart will be renewed. You will gain courage and hope. You will find that God is a very present help.
God bless you with His nearness.
(USA) Thank you, thank you, thank you… Shelley, and everyone who prays for these gals and all who are hurting — that reach out for help on this web site. You are a blessing!!! We appreciate your love and your prayers more than we could EVER express.
(USA) This article was very uplifting. I know that god will hear my hearts cry and restore what the enemy has tried to steal and destroy.
(SA) Hi, this is the first day after being so angry and feeling resentful towards my husband, that I feel different. He actually asked for divorce and I agreed it was the only way for us and was so relieved. We did not see each other but last night I saw him at a distance and I felt angry for even the little things that he does that annoys me. But today for the first time, I found I’m worried whether he arrived safe where he stays. We are separated. Then I realized I care about him. Later I realized I still love my husband; I dont want to divorce him.
I was too angry, now I don’t know how to fix things. He only knows that I hate him but I’m so glad I feel hope. Please help and pray for us. What can I do?
(US) Been married 6 years. Drugs [both sides] and alcohol involved. I verbally abused her and was violent with our property. We have 3 kids. She walked out and hangs out with her drug buddies and has a guy friend or two. I have quit substances and am turning my life around. She won’t hardly talk about anything ..won’t go to counseling …does nothing …says she’s not in love with me. Is there anything I can do to save our marriage?
(NIGERIA) Thanks so much, have been unofficially separated for one year now and what’s worse is that he keeps coming and gives instructions. I get so angry and sometimes react. I know God hates divorce and am willing to wait. but how do I handle the anger and hurt, bitterness and resentment I feel when he comes to visit? After all he only comes to see the children.
(USA) Thank you for this article… My relationship of six years has taken a sudden turn, and my fiance has told me “it’s done.” He is hurting from the passing of his mother, and other pressures, and I see now that I was adding to his pain. I know God has a plan for us, but I feel like I am not done… not at all– I love this man, and believe that he is the one for me… I am uncertain where to go from here- it is difficult for me to accept his sudden decision… and I feel like there is still love.
For any readers of this post if you would say a prayer for God’s will to be done, and that a blessing of love and joy would be found for him? I would really appreciate it.
(USA) I’m sorry for what you are going through and I will pray for you. Your situation seems similar to mine, only because it seems like he is just pushing you away, just because your husband may be stressed out and depressed. Most men are not good at communicating their feelings and he feels he needs to do it alone. See if he is willing to do anything to save your relationship, go to counseling, etc. It really seems to me that if he didn’t say he didn’t love you anymore that he probably still does, but maybe is struggling. Good luck.
I understand the heartbreak you are going through. A part of you feels like it’s missing and your heart actually hurts. I hope it works out.