The following article is written to women who are dealing with their husbands who have left them, but the same principles can also apply to men who are dealing with their wives who have left. During separation, time can be your friend, whether you are a woman or a man. We encourage you to pray, glean, and see what God could be saying to your heart.
“They that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings as eagles.“ (Isaiah 40:31)
Because your emotions are so turbulent, you may think no happy answer to your situation is possible. Your thoughts may run the gamut from a fairy-tale ending to the worst possible outcome. When you find yourself in this state for very long,you may be tempted to do whatever will give a clean resolution. You may want closure, even if that means doing what you really don’t want to do. But making rash decisions may be something you will woefully regret later. Time may be your friend, if you let it.
Difficult Advice to Hear
When this disaster first swooped down upon me, my friend Toni Jo said something that shocked me at first. I didn’t want to hear it.
“Don’t be in a hurry,” she said. “Give him as much time as he needs. He’s confused and needs to figure himself out. Tell him to take a year if he needs to figure out what he wants.”
“A year!” I exclaimed. “A year?”
“What’s a year in a whole lifetime?” she asked. “If it takes a year for him to figure things out, and then you have thirty more happy years together after that, wouldn’t it be worth it?”
As it turned out, it took three years for my husband and me, not one. But yes, it was worth it.
Don’t Make Rash Decisions
Trusting God includes waiting on him to do whatever he is trying to do during this process. Because God does not force his loving work into our lives, making rash decisions can preclude God from accomplishing new dimensions of spiritual and emotional growth in you and your mate as well as others around you. We need to give God time.
Waiting is extremely hard when each day weighs us down with an eternity of suffering. But time has a way not only of healing but also of giving perspective. What may seem true to your mate today may look different to him tomorrow. Each new encounter between the two of you can set him or you off in a different relational direction, either positive or negative.
Many years of clutter may need to go through the filter before the gemstones of your life together can become clear. If your husband has separated from you, he may be trying not to even think about you now. He may be focusing only on what he can make sense of. And that probably is not you and your relationship. Most likely he is filling his mind with work and other interests that keep him aloof emotionally.
During Separation Time Can Be Your Friend
During moments of deep depression, when you really want to give up, pick up your Bible and let God speak to you. Listen to what he says to you at that particular time. He wants to strengthen you, and you need strong wings if you’re going to mount up on the wings like eagles. Wait on the Lord. Remember, he is able to do more than we could ever imagine. But sometimes it requires time.
“Lift your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them each by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing. Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel, ‘My way is hidden from the LORD, my cause is disregarded by my God?’
“Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
“Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint“ (Isaiah 40:26-31).
This article is written by Linda W. Rooks and comes from the book, Broken Heart on Hold: Surviving Separation
You can also visit Linda’s Web site at Brokenheartonhold.com where she has “individually formatted a number of Bible verses for your strength and encouragement.”
Filed under: Separation and Divorce
(USA) My wife left me 7 months ago with out two kids. We have been married for 22 years and were high school sweet hearts. We have very limited contact through text only, like 2 text a month if that. We talked on the phone one time for an hour and she said she felt like she didn’t have a voice and I did things that were insensitive to her.
She grew to be very cold a month before she left. I accused her of cheating on me because she was not where she said she was. But I have no evidence anyway… So I have been praying and going to counseling by myself. Also I have been reading books of how to save your marriage alone and working. I have apologized and asked for forgiveness many times and accepted responsibility for the hurt I caused her. She has not budged an inch.
I keep text to a minimum and just make small talk. I keep her informed of my marriage counseling, but she only txts me when she needs money. She rented a house and does not want any other contact with me. Please pray for my marriage.
(USA) I’m lost. I left my husband due to violence. I have a 2 ,3, 7 and 11 year old. He is on drugs, in a gang, and acts like he misses the kids but makes no effort to change. He is only getting worse since I left. I’m trying my hardest to follow God’s ways but I do have a drug problem, not everyday but at least once a month cause it’s a habit. I go to church off and on. When things are good I go and pray to stop my habit and now I just started go back to church cause only with God’s help he will give me strength.
I’m confused cause I know I’m sinning. That is my only sin. And about my husband, I can’t do it anymore. I’m struggling with four kids trying to do right without giving up. I’m 27 years old.
(UNITED STATES) My wife decided on divorce and we have been separated for 3 months. It was a blessing in the fact that the pain led me to Christ. In the time separated, she agreed to come to counseling with me, but little did I know, she was lying to me and the counselor, carrying on an affair and using drugs daily. Despite that, I forgave her and remained kind and loving to her, helping her in any way possible. This patience led me to being able to lead her to Christ.
Now, I have found out that there were many things in her childhood that hurt her and she never told anyone. She was repeatedly sexually molested by family and other people she trusted. Now I have an understanding about why she has been so irrational, since all this was so unlike her.
I love her and remain to be her friend until God heals our marriage. Things are not where I want them to be, but look at all God has done already. I choose to see the good in this situation. We could never have had a healthy relationship based on Christ without this mess happening. God has reasons behind His works. Until I get His answer, I will wait, show love, and trust in the Lord. Please pray for us as I am waiting on God’s healing to come.
(UK) That is so positive to hear that you are both been led to Christ. I will pray for you that God will answer more of your prayers and gives you patience.
(USA) My husband left me 2 yrs ago. He said he loves me but is not in love with me. He said I was no longer his soul mate. He gave me so many lame reasons he want to leave me such as sexual reasons, I was no fun, I am a mean person and so on. He told the marriage counselor I was too nice and caring. I did everything for my husband. I cooked, cleaned, cut grass, took kids to all functions and did his college work online to earn him his B.S. He never helped me out, not even taking our son to the barber shop. He said he wasted 15 yrs (now 17 yrs).
I responded by saying “I wish I had never met you”. He draws me into confrontations. He said he wasn’t leaving me for another woman but started dating soon as he moved out. Now he is in a serious relationship with someone. Feeling unloved and depresed I started dating. My husband said he never wants to come back to me now that I am dating. The other woman and the man that I am seeing know that we are married. I feel like I am betraying God by seeing this other man. I am so lost and confused and do not want to hurt the man I am seeing. Miss my husband but not the way he treats me.
(USA) My husband and I are going through a separation because he said that he loves me but is not in love with me. I cried and cried and then he said he wants divorce but he still did not file for it. Then I was like, why did he change? Then I saw the phone bill. He was calling a number everyday for so many hours so I asked him who that was. He said we were arguing so much and we were not getting along and he needed to open up to someone. With all the family members and friends, you had to choose that girl?
I know for a fact that he fell in love with her but he doesn’t admit it to me cuz he feels guilty. He says she is just a friend. You don’t talk to your friends for hours on the phone everyday. And why did hide it from me? So we are separated. He already moved out but I still love him we have a 3 year daughter and a 3 month girl. I am so heartbroken. He does not have any feeling for me but I am praying every day. I know God has a plan for us. My husband just needs some time. I am not giving up on my husband. I know he will return. I have faith. Please pray for us. Thank you.
(USA) I have been together with my partner for over 15 years. We never married and have 3 young children together. For the past 10 years, we would talk about marriage off and on and for the past 6 years, since I have found faith, I have shared with him how we should get married. He feels that I may not be the right person for him and that he does not want to settle.
For the past month, it has been very difficult, because I’m to the point where I think he doesn’t love me anymore and I feel that the right thing to do is to get married. I don’t want to force him into something he doesn’t want to do. I think he is ready to move on and I have been very depressed. I feel like I have failed my family, especially my children. They don’t really know what is going on at the moment. They believe we are married. We have slept in separate rooms for several years now.
I feel the right thing to do is to leave and give him his space. I think that we are living in sin by living together. But I’m really confused. My heart is broken and I feel that leaving (separation) will hurt our family. I cry every night, and pray that God shows me the way. I love him very much and I don’t see my life with anyone else. Please pray for me and for my partner that God leads our lives and give me strength to get through this.
(PHILIPPINES) I’m working in another country right now. My husband is in the Philippines but he has a daughter with another girl. We were ok before I left and still, we are communicating. My problem is I don’t have 100% trust in him. Please help me pray that he will be faithful and honest and my trust will be ok. Thank you and God Bless!!!
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi, we’ve had problems in our marriage for two years. We separated six months ago. I’ve had councel from people to divorce. I don’t feel this is right. I want it to work. I want us to reconcile. I made a covenant -so did my husband. We have 4 daughters. This separation is not easy for anyone!
Please pray with me that we can find some common ground again. That my husband is able to come back to God and realises that He is the only way. Please pray with me for our girls, to somehow get through this without being scarred for life. Please also pray with me for a healing of our marriage. Thank you and God bless
(UK) I am so blessed to have seen this site. We are both 26 years old and my husband of 2 half years has just decided we are not meant to be together and we are separating. I’ve tried to fight but he has given up. But I will NOT give up on him… even if I have to let go for a while. I hope that you can pray that Dave will find Christ and that the Lord will open up his heart.
It has only been 2 weeks… but yet it feels like a lifetime. I hope that this is God’s plan and I will have to learn to be patient and let God start to work on his heart. I will also pray for all of you… and if anybody has reconciled their marriage, let us know. :)
(USA) My wife of 6 years left me the week before Christmas due to an affair she is convinced I was having, although that is not true. She refuses to speak to me still and has fallen under the advice of her friends who have experienced infidelity and divorce who are encouraging her to abandon our marriage. I am very committed to counseling and letting the power of God to restore our marriage. Please pray for us as I am struggling with the lack of effort on her part and my own impatience as she heals so we can hopefully move forward.
(MALAYSIA) I got engaged to my fiancee due to family pressure and the need of security. He always felt that I pushed him and we rushed into the engagement. We’ve had family issues at the beginning as we come from different cultures and backgrounds. Many times I also did push him a lot.
But for two years we took our relationship slowly just as best friends. But his family was arranging a marriage for him and maybe that pushed him and he suggested we get married. I obviously was so happy and excited. But now 3 weeks down the road, he tells his family about the decision and they are not happy with it. Now he is upset and angry. This causes fights and hurts between us.
I have been praying and seeking God for answers. He spoke to me continuously and assured me that he’s in control but I don’t understand sometimes why God is not speaking to my fiancee and giving him the security of this marriage. He says he needs time and space that his mind is so disturbed and confused.
I always felt that it meant pushing me away or ending the relationship. But after reading this article I understand a bit that no matter how much fear I have that I might lose him for good… I need to let him go!
(USA) My wife left me 6 months ago and I feel she just uses me to get what she wants. I love her so I give into her when she makes me believe and tells me she loves me back, just to tell me the next week that I knew a long time ago that we were through.
I am so confused and have nightmares of her with another man. We have 3 children together, 2 girls both from different fathers and 1 boy from us. I love them all the same even though it was a trying marriage because her one daughter is disabled and has aggression issues and is labeled MR. Her other daughter knows only me as dad since her father did not want her. She is a complete sweet little girl and I call her my angel. She wants mommy and daddy back together and cries on the phone often telling me that she misses me. Our son who is 3 is very confused as well, and shows it by acting up in school and crying spells.
It is very heart breaking for me since I believe that once you marry that is it and there is no other so I continue to hold out for her wishing and praying that she will find her way back to me. I have done many things for her financially to support her and the kids while hurting myself in the process. We fought much through our marriage due to trust issues on her part and when she had to find a job she started to talk to male co workers and I caught her cheating on me by speaking with one on Facebook. She denies all but I caught her.
I forgave that and many other questionable issues that made me question her loyalty to me. She denies ever sleeping with another man but I have my doubts. She turned me into a person who is very paranoid about everything she does for I lost trust in her due to all the questionable things. She used to get so upset with me that she would turn to violence, biting and punching me at times.
She blames me for everything that went wrong in our marriage and I have started to believe that, but deep down I know that is not true. I am at fault for some things that went wrong but never did I tell her I don’t love her anymore like she told me, nor did I ever cheat on her like I believe she did.
I recently bought her a laptop for school because she needed it and bought her a cell phone. She took back the laptop so she could pay her rent and started text messaging other people on the phone I got her, which is strictly for us and the kids. The text messaging is another cause for our breakup because she would text message other men and not respect our marriage and refrain. She ended her Facebook account at my request just to open one behind my back.
I truly have no trust for her and I am sure that will be why we can never get back together since trust is a big issue in a marriage. Without that there is nothing. I just wish she could see how much she hurt us. I wake up every morning feeling drained and lethargic. There are times I wake after dreaming of her and look to the other side of the bed to see she is not there. That hurts so much. We had a true love in the beginning and then something went wrong. I can trace it back to when she started working. That’s when I lost all my trust in her because lies started popping up. I am sorry if I am rambling but I want to tell you my story and see if God can still save us? Or is it worth saving?
(USA) Thank you for sharing this article because some of us could identify with it. I’m going through this hurtful experience, although, it’s only been a month, I feel like it has been a year. I have been married for almost 4 years, but my husband left at the end of last year.
First, I wanted to change because of him, because every time I see him I was blamed for many things in the past. I feel like he is holding so many grudges that will not let us move forward. I know we fought a lot in the past, but I still love him, he is the love of my life, and the only man I can see myself with.
When I had the last conversation with him, he told me to go out and have fun with my friends which is the last thing I want to do. I feel lonenly and empty inside. It is hard to communicate with other people, but I have been going to church more than I used too, and I believe God has a plan for me even if things don’t turn out good or how I want them to be.
(USA) Married for 18 years this May (praying will make it!). I had an affair with a former neighbor Summer 2010. We started just by innocent texting…although quite excessive texting…then progressed to flirting, then to explicit texting and ultimately ended up in one physical encounter. After that encounter I told her I wanted to go back to being only friends….nothing more…she refused and began constant texting/calling at work to convince me otherwise. I have not met face to face with her since. She sent a text one night at the end of August 2010 and my wife found out. Cowardly, I lied and said we had only had a “virtual” relationship and vehemently denied physical. She did the same to her husband while continuing to contact me. I told her I wanted nothing….anyway….been going on a year and a half. I have been telling my wife she has not been contacting me, but she continues to contact me and my wife..begging for them to be friends again. I finally came clean today with my wife and told her everything. Obviously, she has zero trust in me right now and has asked me to leave for a while to figure out exactly what I want…which I know is only her and my two little girls. Anyway…we have agreed to Christian Counseling, and I pray that we are reconciled. I just dont know how I am ever going to regain her trust again…..I have zero feelings, other than resentment, for the other woman, but Love my wife and children dearly….of course, she says she cant believe anything I say……please pray for my family. I enjoyed the article and am going to share it with her at the right time.
(USA) I have just had my husband leave and I pray and pray and pray that God will let him see his way back to me. But what if it isn’t what God wants? I am confused. I know God hates divorce. It’s so hard to try and figure out what to do and how to make it through just another day. It’s got to get better… somehow.