Yes, I know, this is a controversial subject, and trust me when I say that I wish it wasn’t one I’d ever have to deal with now or in the future. But the reality is that we are often posed the question of whether a person should have sex with their ex-husband or ex-wife. Is this something God would sanction since they were once married? So here goes.
In broaching this subject, first I need to say that I realize there will be many who will say that divorce is not an option. They reason that there are no “exes” involved, which spiral the question into a whole different direction. And yes, if you don’t recognize divorce as something that is permitable, then I can see why you would think that.
But I am not going to go into that issue here —not now or in any other part of this web site.
At Marriage Missions, we don’t and won’t debate that issue. We stand firm on Scripture knowing that “God hates divorce.” But we are also operating in the “real world” where people (including Christians) DO divorce. Also, God gives grace, and so do we. Divorce is NOT an unpardonable sin, so we should not treat it as such. Most often, there are many, many spouses who fight and do not want the divorce. If God embraces them, are we to do any less?
In prayerfully considering whether someone should divorce or not, we believe that divorce and remarrying is something that is between them and God. We are not their judge, God is. It is also our belief that we are called to put forth warnings about possible consequences to consider. We encourage the person and persons involved to take all their concerns to God, and work them through with Him.
Human counselors, advisers, mentors, educators, and such are important to consult. (For insights, please see the articles, Scriptures Dealing with Seeking the Counsel of Others, and the article, Applying the Gleaning Principle to Human Advisers.) But they aren’t all knowing. Be wise and talk to counselors, but ultimately, ask for God His wisdom on matters of concern.
But Should They Have Sex Together After Divorce?
With that said, I have to say that when we are asked whether or not a person should have sex with their ex, our prayerful answer has been that we don’t believe they should. If they believe God has told them that they can divorce, even though they didn’t want it (their ex made it happen), having sex after the divorce is problematic.
That is why I was excited when I came across an article, which addressed this subject. It confirms what we believe, and is written so well that I want to share it with you.
Dr Roger Barrier, who used to be our pastor when he lived in our town, is the author. You can read it by accessing the following Crosswalk.com link:
Please let me add a few additional points to all of this. I believe that making love, is a wonderful gift God has given to those who enter into the covenant of marriage. Within the sanctuary of marriage, it is an exciting way of connecting physically, emotionally and spiritually. It can truly be a God-given gift. But when you open this gift outside of marriage, God’s blessing is not upon it. It’s as pure and simple as that.
And when you do something without God’s blessing there are complications, which are put into place.
1. When God is not in it, you will not receive all of His benefits. You don’t go against God’s ways and expect that He will bless it.
2. When you’re making love with an ex spouse, you’re giving yourself to someone who is not fully committed to you. You are giving one of the “benefits” of marriage to someone who will not be there for you through the good and the bad.
His or her commitment to you is only “as long as.” As long as you do what he or she wants, that part of him or her is available. But when you need more support through difficult situations, it’s questionable as to whether you will get it.
Those who martially cleave together, work with one another through the good and bad times. If you put yourself out there —expecting less, you will get it. That can leads to all kinds of complications of the heart and emotions.
3. If you are hoping to someday reconcile with your spouse, you are putting that hope in jeopardy. As the old saying goes, “Why buy the cow, when you get all the milk you want FREE?”
Yes, I know that is crude, but the principle behind that saying is true. If a spouse can sexually have you and yet have the option to have sex with others (because of your divorce), why should he or she go back into marriage? That, in itself, puts complications into place. One of them is that you are exposing yourself to the possibilities of contracting S.T.D.’s and AIDS and such.
There are other reasons, as well, to consider (which I hope people will add in their comments). But for now, please consider the following scriptures, as they pertain to this issue.
“Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” –Hebrews 13:4
“Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned?” -Proverbs 6:27
“Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.” -1 Corinthians 6:18-20
“It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you his Holy Spirit.” (1 Thessalonians 4:3-8)
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this blog.