Signs That He or She Has Changed and Will Stop Abuse

Couple not talking angry stop abuse Dollar photoYou want to believe with every fiber of your being that your spouse will never hurt you again. You’re hearing so many promises that he or she won’t be abusive to you in the future. He or she may truly be sorry and may promise you everything you would ever want to hear. But it’s important to know that this doesn’t mean that he or she will be able to keep those promises. Some abusers won’t and some abusers can’t. They may not have the strength within them (at least not yet, or ever) to stop themselves from giving into their impulses to hurt you when they become enraged.

How do you know?

So how do you know if they really will stop the abuse in the future and if they indeed have changed? The truth is that you can never be completely certain. There are some signs, however, that you can look for, which may help you.

Before we lead you to the articles to help you with this issue, we preface all of this by saying that the information we’ve found is addressed to wives who are in abusive situations. But please know that in many homes it is the wife who is the abuser. We truly get that.

We keep searching for articles to help those who are being abused. But the majority of articles written address women as being the victims. If you are a man who is being abused, please accept our apology. We haven’t been able to find many articles to help you. It is not for lack of trying to find them (and we will continue to keep trying). If this is true for you, please reverse the “he’s” and “she’s” in the linked articles below. Pray, read, and glean through them, and apply what you can use for your situation.

Helpful Linked Articles

With that said, below is a link to an article written by Brenda Branson, posted on the BrokenPeople.org web site. We highly recommend that you read it to help you with this very important issue. Please click onto the link to read:

•  SIGNS THAT HE HAS CHANGED

And then from Barbara Roberts, from the web site Cryingoutforjustice.com here are some of the traits you should watch for:

WHEN BEING SORRY IS GENUINE

— ALSO —

In another article, written by Brenda Branson, posted on the Focus Ministries web site, she discusses whether the abuser is truly repentant or is temporarily regretful. In this article, she gives you insight, which may help you to be able to discern the difference:

The Difference Between True Repentance and Temporary Regret

The following blog is written by Leslie Vernick. She makes a few additional comments on subjects, other than this issue. But when you read the “Question” posed in her blog, and then the “Answer” she gives, we believe you will find some very good information. Please pray, read, glean and apply what you can use:

•  He Said He’s a New Man. Now What?

And finally, to learn more from an additional article (author unknown) that gives additional points to consider, posted on the Escapeabuse.com web site, please click onto the link below to read:

SIGNS THAT AN ABUSER HAS CHANGED OR HAS NOT

If you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

Print Post

Filed under: Abuse in Marriage

Join the Discussion

Please observe the following guidelines:

  • Try to be as positive as possible when you make a comment.
  • If there is name-calling, or profane language, it will be deleted.
  • The same goes with hurtful comments targeted at belittling others; we won't post them.
  • Recommendations for people to divorce will be edited out–that's a decision between them and God, not us.
  • If you have a criticism, please make it constructive.
  • Be mindful that this is an international ministry where cultural differences need to be considered.
  • Please honor the fact this is a Christ-centered web site.

We review all comments before posting them to reduce spam and offensive content.

Comments

136 responses to “Signs That He or She Has Changed and Will Stop Abuse

  1. I’ve been abusive. And I equate it to being like a drug addict. You know it’s wrong. You know it’ll destroy your life, but you do it anyway because until you admit you have a problem your helpless to it. Admitting you have a problem is the first step.

    1. I agree. I was abusive to my girlfriend whom I love with all my heart. When I met her I had never had someone show me so much love so I became jealous, controlling and did not want her to talk to other people. I was so scared that I was going to lose her love that I pushed her away and I found out she was talking to another man. I flipped out and hit her, breaking her cheekbone I went to prison for 2 years for what I did. And you are right.

      You’ve got to admit you have a problem and you can’t blame the other person because I know she didn’t make me do what I did – I made me do it. Now I’m trying to get the trust and love back. I don’t know if I will. This has torn not only my life apart but hers too. I just hope I can rebuild our relationship.

  2. I recently abused my wife of 6 years. I’ve never laid a hand on her till that night. And when I did it I got so scared and called the cops on myself. Since there were no marks or witnesses theres was nothing they could do. I apologized but that means absolutely nothing since sometimes my apologies aren’t real. Just me saying I’m sorry and I love you. I don’t believe in hitting women so this scared me. What should I do?

    1. First off, what is your wife’s reaction to all of this? Is she still in the marriage, or is she out? And where are you both spiritually? Be truthful… this is not to judge you one way or another. We just need to know so we can better guide you.

  3. Hi. I was recently married. It’s been 6 months and my husband has been abusive to me. The last time he slammed me into a wall and I hit my head very bad. He turned himself in and he wants to change and fix things. I really want to give him another chance. I could really use some advice or something.

  4. I used to be verbally abusive. I grew up like that. I changed and I have been good. I read articles that say abusers won’t ever chage and that scares me. What about me? I am insecure now and I am afraid I will lose my gf. She says she loves me BUT she says I doesn’t accept her love. I think I am angry at myself so I don’t understand why she loves me after all my mistakes. I am still afraid to lose her but I don’t want to wreck my relationship over insecurity.

  5. Thanks for this site. There is just some things that I, as the abused, dont yet know….Can I ever trust him emotionally again…Can I even try to forgive….Is he really really going to change even after being for help…he was admitted to a mental hospital with Bipolar, PTSD, OCDP and narcissm…yes he is on meds..so is it the meds that make him feel sorry or really him?…I dont want him to come close to me…will that change….is it worthwile for me to try and get him angry so I can see his reaction? Help

  6. I have been in a relationship for a year plus and had abused my girlfriend and I sincerely apologized and keep struggling hard to make sure I am so changed not being abusive anymore. I travelled for a month and she is with another guy. I really love my woman and I’m ready to give up anything just to be with her. I have pleaded but she strongly refuses; please, I want her back and really want to grow up and be responsible.

  7. I have been in an emotionally abusive/manipulative marriage for 10 years. I’ve been personally religious my entire life and my children are also naturally deeply religious. My husband, realizing that we are nearing a breaking point during an argument after threatening to leave over and over again, asked me to pray with him for the first time. I would typically be ecstatic that he was coming around, but instead it felt manipulative from him, because he was using it to “make up” after he’d just been threatening to leave. Many things he says are hurtful, but it was the first time he tried to use my faith to control me; it felt awful, very icky.

  8. After the abuse and we split up. My husband is starting to see what I have done. Which my own husband always had some excuse as to why he did not want to do what me and the children were doing at that time. Also when my daughter chewed him out. My daughter started chewing her dad out at age 5 years old. My daughter would come in the room that me and her father was in, and she heard her dad yelling at me. My daughter told her own father to stop talking to mommy that way you are, the one that has turned your back and walked away from us. You need to stop treating mommy bad.

    Then once my own husband started to notice me and the children my own husband wants to be more involved. I am glad that my husband wants to be more involved but it would have been better from the start of the marriage. Now that my husband wants to help more I wish he would open up and tell the truth. Yes, I know things will take time. All I hear is all in due time. But here is the thing my own husband is falling more in love with me when I am no longer in love with him and can’t tell him. So I leave it in God’s hand’s and whatever may come of it, so be it.

  9. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. He has been physically and verbally abusive towards me. He is an alcoholic and has anger issues. He is very good at times and takes good care of me, but he has a side of him that I hate. I never know day by day what kind of mood he will be in when he gets home from work and I’m always walking on eggshells. His last abuse was we were in bed and he grabbed both sides of my hair and was pulling where I could feel my baiting ripping out. He held me down and was calling me nasty names..saying I never show him attention. I was scared so I lID there with tears rolling down my cheeks hoping a drop wouldn’t hit his hand. The next day the sorrys..like always came and promises. I told him I was done. I will no longer deal with it and we needed to separate. But he keeps living in our house day by day acting like nothing happened and ignoring my feelings. I don’t know what to do…PLEASE HELP.

    1. Tammy, I’m so sorry that you have found yourself in this place in your relationship. It’s good that you see this now, in the earlier part of your relationship, but it’s horrible that he has given himself permission to do this to you. Tammy, I hate to tell you this, but the behavior you describe is typical of an abuser. Sadly, the typical behavior of an abuser is that this abuse will escalate. Please read through the articles we posted in the abuse topic at: https://marriagemissions.com/category/abuse-in-marriage/. They will tell you a lot of the things that you need to know, even though they are written about spouses. Particularly the quotes and also this article: https://marriagemissions.com/warning-escape-abuse-before-marriage/. But read all you can. Your life may very well depend upon it. Also read: https://marriagemissions.com/help-my-spouse-drinks-too-much/. Again, this is addressed to spouses, but you can glean a lot of good info from it.

      Yes, your boyfriend WILL be apologetic. That is quite a typical profile for an abuser. And I have no doubt that he is sorry. Some abusers aren’t… they justify it in their minds that it’s the victim’s “fault” which it never is. Abuse is wrong, no matter what. But despite the times of sorrow afterward, the abuse with your boyfriend will escalate and the sorrow will grow less and less as he works this out in his mind. Trust me, you are on a very dangerous path. Most times the abuse escalates –growing worse and worse until it’s very dangerous. But sometimes it zooms right to dangerous really quickly.

      Tammy, your boyfriend is showing dangerous, abusive tendencies. IF he can ever stop this abusive behavior, it would only happen because he gets the help he needs for anger management. Without it, you truly need to leave or MAKE him leave. You will have a horrible future ahead of you if you don’t. He has already crossed the line as far as being a safe person to be around. He has given himself permission to abuse you, even though he wouldn’t do this with anyone else. That is a dangerous precedent.

      I can tell you that it would be a miracle if an alcoholic would work on his anger issues. Many, many alcoholics are what is called, “mean drunks.” The alcohol seems to numb them so they make horrible choices to not control themselves when things irritate them. Trust me when I say this… YOU aren’t the problem. He is. He is making horrible choices in drinking to the point where he is an alcoholic. And he is continuing to do this even though it leads him to make other horrible choices –seeing you as an object he can abuse.

      Please read the articles and quotes and such that we have posted. Be proactive in stopping yourself from being in a place where you can be abused. Honestly, as much as you may love this guy… you will find that eventually your love will grow cold. He is not your husband. I would get out now. It would be sad for you, but at least you would be leaving before it gets tragic for you. The next abuse could be one where he seriously maims you or kills you. Believe me when I say this… we see it happen all too frequently.

      You have no idea the hurt that you can be in store for if you keep living with an abuser. He abuses alcohol, AND, even worse, he abuses you. This is not about you. It is about him. Please prayerfully consider what I am saying and warning you about here. I am writing this because of the experience I have with abusers (I have relatives that abused their spouses), and what we have learned in this ministry… so, so much we have learned. You are on a very dangerous path right now. Please don’t take this lightly. I beg you. And PLEASE don’t have children with this guy. You will regret it for the rest of your life (however long he decides to let you live). I’m very sincere here… this is no drama. It is the truth. Read, educate yourself, protect yourself… he won’t.