Do you truly want to stop abuse in your life? If so, you have a lot to learn so you can discern truth and false promises.
You want to believe with every fiber of your being that your spouse will never hurt you again. You’re hearing so many promises that he or she won’t be abusive to you in the future. He or she may truly be sorry and may promise you everything you would ever want to hear. But it’s important to know that this doesn’t mean that he or she will be able to keep those promises. Some abusers won’t and some abusers can’t. They may not have the strength within them (at least not yet, or ever) to stop themselves from giving into their impulses to hurt you when they become enraged.
How do you know?
So how do you know if they really will stop the abuse in the future and if they indeed have changed? The truth is that you can never be completely certain. There are some signs, however, that you can look for, which may help you.
Before we lead you to the articles to help you with this issue, we preface all of this by saying that the information we’ve found is addressed to wives who are in abusive situations. But please know that in many homes it is the wife who is the abuser. We truly get that.
We keep searching for articles to help those who are being abused. But the majority of articles written address women as being the victims. If you are a man who is being abused, please accept our apology. We haven’t been able to find many articles to help you. It is not for lack of trying to find them (and we will continue to keep trying). If this is true for you, please reverse the “he’s” and “she’s” in the linked articles below. Pray, read, and glean through them, and apply what you can use for your situation.
Helpful Linked Articles to Stop Abuse
With that said, below is a link to an article written by Brenda Branson. She put together a “Pastors Guide to Domestic Violence.” But actually, this list can be used by anyone. (Again, you can change the pronouns, if it applies to your situation.) Here are two things Brenda points out:
He Has Not Changed If . . .
• He blames her or others for his behavior.
• He uses guilt to manipulate her into dropping charges or keeping silent.
There are several more “signs” that will point out the seriousness of the “change” that is claimed. We highly recommend that you read the list linked below to learn:
And then Barbara Roberts came up with a great list that points to whether or not a person is truly sorry. Here are two of them:
“If they are genuinely repentant, abusers will:
• Stop all blame shifting. Stop blaming their spouse, and stop making excuses.
• Commit to going to a professionally run Behavior Change Group for spouse-abusers.”
But there are more. You can learn more by reading:
ALSO… to Stop Abuse:
In another article, written by Brenda Branson, posted on the Focus Ministries web site, she discusses whether the abuser is truly repentant or is temporarily regretful. In this article, she gives you biblical insight to help you discern the difference and truly stop abuse:
• The Difference Between True Repentance and Temporary Regret
The following blog is written by Leslie Vernick. She makes a few additional comments on subjects, other than this issue. But when you read the “Question” posed in her blog, and then the “Answer” she gives, we believe you will find some very good information. Please pray, read, glean and apply what you can use:
• He Said He’s a New Man. Now What?
And finally, below is a link to an article (author unknown) that gives additional points to consider. It is posted on the Escapeabuse.com web site. The author gives quite an extensive list. Here are a few of the points given:
“Beware of the temptation to gauge change by means of the perpetrator’s church-going or therapy-acquiring behavior. Going to church or seeing a therapist is not good enough . . . does not prove that (s)he is no longer going to hurt his/her partner any longer.”
(S)He Has Not Changed If…
• (S)He pressures the partner to let her/him move back in before partner is ready.
• (S)He continues to use sarcasm or verbal abuse, talk over his/her partner, and shows disrespect or superiority.
You’ll want to read this list in its entirety. It’s a good one! To help you to stop abuse read the following:
• SIGNS THAT AN ABUSER HAS CHANGED OR HAS NOT
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Filed under: Abuse in Marriage
146 responses to “Signs That He or She Has Changed and Will Stop Abuse”
My question is my husband has been in recovery for drinking for a year now. We’ve been separated for a year now; we are trying to decide to work on our marriage. He did physically abuse me. I haven’t seen this side of him in years [good] behavior. He’s grown so much and he wrote an ammends to me. He has said I can’t believe my behavior to you and this is none of your fault and doesn’t remember much of the abuse until his best friend told him about it, which his best friend beat him up when it happened. Could this be him changing for the best? He has been in mental health therapy, as well as alcohol rehab.
Has anyone had experience with an emotionally abusive partner that changed after divorce?