The Spouse with the Hammering Attitude

Have you ever picked up a bad attitude and used it to pound away at your spouse, almost like swinging a hammer? And when you’re hammering away have you noticed that you don’t even care about the ways in which you hurt your spouse and others who witness it all? Actually, do you even notice that others are being hurt, as well? It’s called having a hammering attitude!

We confess that we have done that to each other more than a few times. And as we think about it, we’re embarrassed. Yes, we were mad, upset, and frustrated. But that doesn’t excuse bad behavior. And we know God feels the same way about it.

Just because we have a marriage license, it doesn’t give us the license, to be rude to each other… husband or wife. Our displeasure (or downright anger) doesn’t give us the right to do that, which is wrong.

The Hammering Attitude

From Galatians 5:19-20, we’re told, “The acts of sinful nature are obvious.” That includes, “hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissentions, factions… and the like.” OUCH!!!

To illustrate this a bit further, here’s something written by Valorie Quesenberry, (in an article titled, “A Hammer in My Hands”). It was addressed to women; but most of it could be turned around and applied to husbands by changing pronouns. Here’s Valorie’s take on this issue:

Pounding in a Point:

“I have come to realize that my attitude is a powerful tool. It’s one that can create beauty or havoc. Proverbs 14:1 says, ‘The wise woman builds her house. But with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down‘ (NIV). To put this in building terms, every wife has a hammer in her hands. It’s her attitude toward her husband. And how she chooses to use it will have an impact on the type of home she has.

“A hammer can drive nails into boards, adding to the stability of a building. Plus, it can remove nails that have been wrongly pounded in. When it’s used to fasten pieces tightly, a hammer can help in the process of raising the walls of a home, making it solid and secure.

“But a hammer can also be used to demolish a building. It can destroy what was once standing. It can repeatedly chip away at block walls. And it can be used to bludgeon and inflict pain.

“I confess that I’ve been guilty of using the hammer in negative ways. Sometimes, like a foolish woman, my attitude has been as brutal as a sledgehammer. And I’ve used it to clobber my husband —words, facial expressions, and body language, are all a reflection of attitude.

“Maybe you’ve been there too. It’s not always intentional. A disagreement goes south quickly, or a simple irritation becomes an escalating issue. Or maybe over time a reluctance to forbear and forgive becomes resentment and finds expression in hurtful ways. And after the explosion, looking around at the debris, you feel tempted to drop the hammer for good, sign off on marriage.”

Hammering Approaches

Sound familiar? Again, we confess that we’ve both been there. And sadly, earlier in our marriage, one of us would bring the “D” word out (divorce) and sling that around too, thinking it was justified. It was not.

When we look back, we shudder. What were we thinking? Actually, it should be reworded here that to say, why didn’t we START thinking? What did we think would result from one or both of us threatening divorce? Did we think our spouse would come running up begging us not to do it? Did we think that our offended spouse would “straighten up and fly right” as we thought he/she needed to do? Yes, we did. How naïve! The ideal is not reality!

All that did was make him/her angrier and more defensive and take our argument to a new level. It also chipped away at our trust and the solid foundation of our marriage. Wrong, so, so wrong!

If you’ve been giving into “stinking thinking,” hammering away at your spouse with a lousy attitude, hopefully you know better than that. Please don’t allow yourself to believe the lie that because you hurt so badly, or because you’re in a lousy mood, solutions to do that which you should not are acceptable. They aren’t.

Warning! Warning!

One thing that has helped us through the years is to warn our spouse (and our sons when they were younger and in the home) that we need some space and grace because we’re going through a tough time. Cindy even wrote about it in the blog, Warning: Bad Mood in Progress.

When they heeded our individual warnings (whichever spouse was on the edge of having a hammering attitude), we were able to keep it together MUCH better. When they didn’t, it was not a pretty scene!

Ahead of time warnings are quite helpful when one of us has that hammering attitude. It sure has prevented some terrible arguments and hurt feelings!

So, this is one of those “thanks I needed that” reminders. Please do what you can to NOT be contentious. You may not be able to change your spouse, but you can certainly work on your own attitudes.

As we’re told in the Bible:

“Do not contend with a man for no reason, when he has done you no harm.“ (Proverbs 3:30)

“It is better to live in a desert land, then with a contentious and vexing woman.“ (Proverbs 21:19)

“A wicked man puts on a bold face, but the upright gives thought to his ways.” (Proverbs 21:29) 

“Put away from you crooked speech and put devious talk far from you.“ (Proverbs 4:24)

“The month of the righteous is a fountain of life, but the mouth of the wicked conceals violence.“ (Proverbs 10:11)

“The wise lay up knowledge, but the mouth of a fool brings ruin near.“ (Proverbs 10:14)

“When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.” (Proverbs 10:19)

“The lips of the righteous feed many, but fools die for lack of sense.” (Proverbs 10:21)

“Whoever belittles his neighbor lacks sense, but a man of understanding remains silent.” (Proverbs 11:12) [Note: And what neighbor would be closer to you than your spouse?]

“Whoever troubles his own household will inherit the wind…” (Proverbs 11:29)

“Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly.” (Proverbs 14:29)

“A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.” (Proverbs 15:4)

“The lips of the wise spread knowledge; not so the hearts of fools.” (Proverbs 15:7)

“The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things.” (Proverbs 15:28)

Also Note:

“It is an honor for a man to keep aloof from strife, but every fool will be quarreling.” (Proverbs 20:3)

“Whoever keeps his mouth, and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble.” (Proverbs 21:23)

“As charcoal to hot embers and wood to fire, so is a quarrelsome man for kindling strife.” (Proverbs 26:21)

“A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back.” (Proverbs 29:11)

“A man without self-control is like city broken into and left without walls.” (Proverbs 25:28)

So, if you’re a wife who is contentious, or if you’re a husband who is contentious… STOP IT! (For a humorous look at that advice please watch the following video: Simple Advice We Sometimes Need.)

Also note:

Whether you’re a wife or a husband who is feeling, “ill at ease”, there’s nothing good about going around with a bad attitude. If you have a tendency to continue down that path, maybe you need a hammer… or even a chisel. You need God’s chisel used on you, such as the following video demonstrates:

Lord, may we remember this when we want to hammer away at our spouse! May we remember that there is a good type of hammering and a destructive one! And may we choose wisely!

Most importantly, may we always keep in mind:

“By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches.” (Proverbs 24:3-4)

Cindy and Steve Wright

— ADDITIONALLY —

To help you even further, we give a lot of personal stories, humor, and more practical tips in our book, 7 ESSENTIALS to Grow Your Marriage. We hope you will pick up a copy for yourself. (It’s available both electronically and in print form.) Plus, it can make a great gift for someone else. It gives you the opportunity to help them grow their marriage. And who doesn’t need that? Just click on the linked title or the picture below:

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