You’d think that a wayward spouse would be aware of his or her weakness, and aware of the pain inflicted. And because of this awareness, he or she would be thoughtful enough to make every effort to avoid further contact with the lover. Instead, the wayward spouse often argues that the relationship was “only sexual.” Another argument this spouse gives is that it was “only emotional, but not sexual” or some other peculiar description. They say this to prove to the other spouse that continued contact with the lover would be okay.
Most betrayed spouses intuitively understand the danger and demand that all contact with a lover end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to the betrayed spouse.
Total Separation: The Right Way to End an Affair
In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children’s schooling, I recommend with all seriousness that there be a sudden and complete end to an affair. And I recommend extreme measures to ensure total separation for life from a former lover.
Several years ago, I owned and operated ten chemical dependency treatment clinics. At first, we used several different treatment strategies. For some, we tried to encourage moderation, and for others we tried to achieve total abstinence. Eventually, all of the counselors agreed that total abstinence was the only way to save drug or alcohol addicts from their self-destructive behavior.
Unless they completely abandoned the object of their addiction, the addiction usually returned. For these people, moderation was impossible. The conviction that their drug of choice was off-limits to them for life, helped end their cycle of addiction-treatment-addiction.
Total Separation Strategy
My strategy for ending an affair with total separation from the lover developed after my experience treating addicts. And, over the years, I’ve found my total-separation strategy to be very effective in ending affairs in a way that makes marital recovery possible. Without total separation, marital recovery is almost impossible.
An affair is a very powerful addiction. The craving to be with the lover can be so intense that objective reality doesn’t have much of a chance. Their spouse and children may be permanently injured by this cruel indulgence, but it doesn’t seem to matter. All that matters is spending more time with the lover. That makes it an addiction.
Affairs Are Addicting
Even the one-night stand may be an addiction. It may not be an addiction to a particular lover, but it may still be an addiction —to one-night stands. In affairs that have low emotional attachment, the addiction is often to the act of having sex itself, rather than to a particular lover.
The addiction to one-night stands can also grow from a need to be continually assured of one’s attractiveness. People who indulge in such practices want to feel that they can have anyone they want, even that person over there sitting at the bar. These people who need constant reassurance of their attractiveness must learn some other way to gain that assurance —a way that does not destroy their marriage.
The analogy between chemical addiction and an affair is striking. In both cases, the first step toward recovery is admitting that the addiction is self-destructive and harmful to those whom the addict cares for most —his or her family.
Suffering from Withdrawal
After recognizing the need to overcome the addiction, the next step is to suffer through the symptoms of withdrawal. Addicts are often admitted to a hospital or treatment program during the first few weeks of withdrawal. This is to ensure total separation from the addicting substance.
Abstain!
The way to overcome an addiction has been tried and proven. Addicts must abstain from the object of their addiction. Alcoholics, for example, must completely avoid contact with any alcoholic beverage to gain control over their addictive behavior. They must even avoid friends who drink occasionally in their presence. In addition, they must surround themselves with an alcohol-free environment. In the same way, when a wayward spouse separates from the lover, extraordinary precautions must be taken. They are to avoid all contact with the lover —for life.
Of course, my advice is not easy to implement. Many people who have had an affair try but fail to make a drastic and decisive break with their lover.
The above article is adapted from the book, Surviving an Affair
— ALSO —
To find further help on this issue, please read the two linked articles below. (Note: they are not Christian articles, but the information is very sound and is scripturally sound.)
• HOW TO PERMANENTLY END THE AFFAIR
• LETTING GO OF THE GRIEF, HEARTACHE, AND DISCOMFORT
— PLUS —
You will find below an additional linked article written by Dr Willard Harley Jr, to read, that you might find helpful:
• THE ADDICTIVE POWER OF AN AFFAIR
Filed under: Surviving Infidelity
(NIG) …If you’re willing to come out of adultery/fornication, ask God for strength and grace to, He’ll surely help ‘cos our bodies are His temple. Stay prayerful. Luv.
(UK) My lover gets back from holiday tomorrow, having gone with her husband. I have missed her intensely since she has been gone but also have been worried that her suspicious husband would get her drunk and everything comes out. That would be a disaster because he is already possessive and jealous, and their marriage would not survive. They have two beautiful children, as I and my wife do, all under 8 years.
When I met her I was very reluctant to take it further. I told her that if I split her marriage up I would deserve going to hell. Several times I have tried to break it off but she is very determined. I have even kissed her once at a hotel whilst praying in my mind… what chance did I give God to pray at that late stage? She does not have a belief in God but that does not stop God being her God of course. And it does not preclude me from considering her eternal soul.
My marriage was suffering before the affair but of course, I have let it slide instead of doing the work to make it better. My wife is not perfect but is a good woman and totally trusting. She deserves better of course, much better.
In my vanity, I fret that tomorrow she will announce that she must stop the affair. What a blow to my pride and self importance that will be! But in a way, a great part of me hopes she does. I have resolved to end it so many times in the last 10 days, and in a sense have suffered some of the withdrawal but as her day of return is now immininent, my mind wanders to hearing her voice again.
To everyone on here who criticises and condemns: please keep in mind that God gets to judge us all in the end, and there are many ways of being unfaithful. Please also keep in mind that the race is never finished until the end and one never knows when one will be tested and in what circumstances.
What I do ask for of all who read this, is a prayer please for me and the woman, to safegauard our marriages and the future of the innocent children.
(USA) I’ll pray for you. Keep in mind, scripture tells us it will be far worse for those who know what’s right and continue to sin. Given that you know that your affair is wrong, and you are the one who professes faith in God, it’s up to you to end the affair and honor the vows you took before God.
I don’t say this in a judgmental fashion, as I recognized even as a betrayed spouse that I too am a sinner. I am simply sharing with a brother in Christ my concern over a confessed sin.
The best thing to do is to end the affair and come clean with your wife. She cannot continue to live a lie, and must be given the truth and the opportunity to decide if she wants to rebuild the marriage or not. God is a God of truth. Truth is a central theme throughout scripture. If you are withholding details about the affair from your wife, then you are dishonoring God.
Get yourself a male accountability partner and make sure he checks in with you as frequently as is needed to ensure you are not engaging in your affair. Get a mentor at church and learn how to love your wife and honor your vows. Be completely open and honest with her. That will go a long way to throw water on the affair.
(US) Robert, I pray for both you and your wife and your lover’s marriage. Please take it to God in prayer. You know what is right. My husband had an affair also, and our marriage was not great before he had it. That is why he had it. (No excuse.) But I am now able to see that my actions also caused him to stray.
We are in the midst of rebuilding our relationship right now. We are in marriage counseling with a Christian counselor who has been a tremendous help. The book Torn Asunder: Recovering From an Extramarital Affair
by Dave Carder has also been a help in our recovery. You may want to purchase it for yourself, and if you reveal the affair to your wife, it may help her understand why… It may open both of your eyes.
Please try and stay away from the affair, go to God… and give your marriage a chance again.
My prayers are with all!
God Bless
(UK) Thanks you Mo,
I have talked to her on the phone. I left my phone off in order to avoid calling her but she contacted a friend and then we resorted to texting and talking. We have not met but we were only accustomed to meeting once every 6 weeks or so anyway.
I am back at square one in a sense but in 30 minutes I am meeting a Christian friend and I am going to tell him. I need to drag this sin out into the open with people. The secrecy is so painful. The lover seems to cope with it better than I although she does not profess a faith. I feel I carry the moral responsibilty for both of us.
I crave this woman at the moment because i am feeling so low in myself, but i can see how that can be a viscious circle.
I cannot tell my wife as she is not aware and I see no reason why she should suffer. She has contributed to the defects in our marriage but i have to accept that in no way deserves infidelity.
Thank you for your prayers. I need guidance and support.
(US) Rob, The only way you are going to heal from this, is to stop all contact with your affair partner. It is the only way that you will heal. I am glad you are going to speak with your Christian friend. It will keep you accountable for your actions.
How long will you be able to keep this a secret from your wife? Could you really do that without the guilt? That is a lot to carry on your shoulders for the rest of your life. That is all I am going to say, it is something you really need to think about.
I believe that carrying the secret around with you is going to end up hurting you and your marriage in the long run. You may become more distant toward your wife and marriage because the weight of it will tear you apart. Something to consider. Please let me know how things are going. MO
(UNITED STATES) Where do I start. My husband had an injury that really ruined our sex life. We were very happy for 10 years. Had it all. Somehow sex left our marriage even though we did the Viagra thing etc etc Became painful for both of us so we stopped trying. Met my married lover on an internet site. Went from friends to an and intense sexual thing as well. He claimed no sex in his marriage as well but for the reason he just wasn’t attracted to her anymore. Knew her since he was a kid and felt more brotherly feelings for her. Both of us had two children and agreed from the get go noone was going to get hurt. For alot of years we were happy together. Got closer and closer. Fell in love beyond compare. I was so happy with him yet loved my husband and would never leave him because of the sex issue. He was so great in every other way. But….I was IN love with my lover. Addicted beyond compare. After 7 years it started to get painful. My lover was miserably married which didn’t help. He couldn’t make the transition back to home as easily as I could. I kidded myself into thinking we weren’t hurting anyone since we both needed the sex. Well his wife caught on. Started to make his life miserable and we broke up. I realized as much as he said he loved me and not her he wasn’t willing to lose his kids and risk anything. I was devastated. Few months later came begging back. Said he will leave if I will leave. Can’t live without me blah blah blah I said no way!! Not hurting two families. Somehow I went back for a few more years and then he pulled a disappearing act again when the wife came down on him. Again devastation…..I decided to end it for good. Of course he came begging back again but this time I stood firm. I was good for two years. Wouldn’t take calls for a year but then this year started talking as friends. Recently went out for drinks as a friend. All the old feelings are there. Stronger than ever and I am fighting hard. Why do I still love this guy? Why cant I get him out of my blood. I need help to fight him this time and pray all the time. Cannot go back on the roller coaster and cannot do this again but I am consumed with thoughts of him. I hope reading these stories helps me but I am so afraid he will get me back somehow and I will be right back in. God help me…..
(US) Beth, I pray for you and hope I can help you somewhat. Through my research and my marriage counseling experience, the reason you cannot get him out of your mind is because you and your A are still in contact with each other. You even admitted you were “good for two years.” Even though he continued to call you. Every time he tries to reach out to you, and you speak with him, you are starting “those feelings.” all over again. You cannot be “friends with this man”, not even a drink. You’re on a roller coaster and getting off is not easy but in order to end it for good there never can be any contact with him at all EVER!!!
It must be hard for you and your hubby when there are issues that relate to your husband’s lack of being able to perform. Please take it to God. Remember your husband feels the pain of this also. There are other things you maybe able to do to compensate for the lack in that area. Intimacy comes from more than just sex. Hand holding, loving touches, massages, kissing, holding.. are other ways you can connect as a married couple. Let God show you the way!!! If you want to fight these feelings and finally get rid of them you have to make the decision not to see him, talk to him, e-mail etc. All communication over!
Please do this for yourself, your marriage and your family. God will help you, let him. When you see clearer, you will be glad you did it! God Bless
(USA) Mo, I know you are 100% right. I do connect with my husband on those levels. We are very affectionate with each other as far as we can go but…I still love my ex affair. I dream of him, yearn for him and you are right. It is because I am still talking to him. When I cut him off with no contact he called me begging to talk to me. He said he didn’t think he could live if I didn’t forgive him.
So I forgave him and said we could talk here and there. Well here and there just escalated and now we are talking one to two times a week. Ok…so now I have to cut it off again. Do I explain that I am still weak for him, love him and that is why I can’t talk anymore? He will come on like gangbusters then and I will really have trouble. At least now he thinks we are friends and isn’t sure what I am thinking. I guess the best thing is to tell him the truth. I know deep in my heart if I go back I will be destroyed. Yet the thought of never talking to him again is like death. Wow this is a rough one. I pray for the strength to take your advice and hopefully will see clearer in the future as you say. Thank you :)
(UK) Hi Mo, Thank you for your words. I don’t want to ‘dump’ my guilt on my wife… or maybe it’s because she would make it more painful for me… maybe it is me being selfish again, even over that aspect. I do know it would hurt her so much, and she simply does not deserve it. I suppose I know that once revealed it cannot be retracted and I’d like my mind and soul to be in a better place to make that judgement.
There have been times when I have been desperate to tell her, just to end the secrecy and make us partners in overcoming it. But I can’t do that to her. Even when I have been crying I put it down to depression which she accepts and comforts me… what a caring woman she is; what a wretched man I am.
I know in the deepest part of me that this affair is wrong on all levels. I know it has no future. I know I have been and am still selfish, vain and a betrayer. I need any prayers any can muster to help me and all other adulterers to end their affairs with as little damage to others as possible.
(USA) Rob, you must tell her, for one very simple reason. By having an affair, you have made a decision about her/your marriage without her consent. You are a husband and wife unit, and such big decisions must be made together. Yes, an affair is a sin, and you are aware of your sin. You must allow your wife this same awareness, so she can have an equal say in your marriage. It is her marriage also. The marriage that is 50% you, %50 her, and 100% God.
(US) Beth, Believe me I know what you are feeling. I have been there. Even though my husband ended his affair about 4 months ago, I too had an affair 15 years ago. My emotional attachment to this man was strong, (told him I loved him). I ended up leaving my job before it went too far.
There is pain involved but I realized down the road, it was all an illusion. A way for me to escape the pain is in my own marriage. Instead of using any wisdom from God, my marriage continued to deterioate, where as my husband ended up having an affair. (Yes, I told my husband about my affair.) Now my husband and I are finally on the right path of restoring and rebuilding our marriage. It will take a while, but with God as our guide, we have seen so much progress, in a 4 month period of time, then we did trying to handle it ourselves over 10 years.
This is my opinion, When your Affair Partner calls back, tell him it is over. Tell him your marriage means too much too you and you need to end all contact with him. You cannot be friends or call each other up once in awhile, no texting, e-mailing, nothing. This is a gift to the both of you. End of story!
Hang up Beth and be proud! Then block his phone # on your cell, get rid of your e-mail address. If you have cards, gifts etc.. get rid of them. They are just reminders of him. You need to concentrate on your husband, that is all! Your Affair partner is a drug, no more, no less. Your affair is keeping you in an illusion. Real life, as we all know, is not an illusion. We have the trials of everyday life. An affair is an escape. Ask God to show you the way…
Do not want to speculate on your sex life and forgive me if I am over stepping, but can your husband still please you in other ways? Is there something you can do to please each other in the bedroom without getting frustrated? Something that makes both of you feel good? (Sorry if I am getting too personal).
Remember, God does not make mistakes, so the man you married is the man you are meant to be with. God forgives if he truely sees remorse in your heart. Do not let Satan attack what you are trying so hard to avoid. He loves attacking when we are at our weakest point. You can do this Beth! God is with you! I can see you are a strong woman, you can overcome with God’s help. Please continue to post through your journey. I pray for you and your marriage! Mo
(US) Rob, If you have read my response to Beth, than you know I also was in your shoes 15 years ago. The guilt for me was overwhelming. Even though I told my husband, there were consequences to my actions. It took me a while to confess my sin to our Lord, but eventually I did. The detoriation of our marriage was putting our problems in our hands not the Lord’s. We are growing now in God’s hands and there has been such a miraculous turn around.
We are all children of God and are not infallible. So guilt and shame can either destroy you, or grow you closer to God. I am for the latter. Learn from our mistakes and move on. But keeping that in mind, if I never told my husband about my affair, and started marriage counseling addressing his affair, how could we really get to the bottom of our issues? My husband played a role in my straying as well as me playing a role in his. What could we discover about ourselves with me hiding the truth?
What I am trying to get at is if your wife does not know about the affair than how do expect to fix why you strayed in the first place? She may seem nothing wrong with your life. There is a reason for you straying Rob. If there is something that is not meeting your needs at home, I think your wife has the right to know, so the chances of you having an affair again dwindle. No one can totally fill all the needs we have not wife, lover, friend. Only God can do that!
Praying for you to resist temptation. Remember Satan attacks at our weakest moments. When I am having a bad thought or feeling I always say “Through the blood of Jesus Christ, Amen” a few times. It is amazing how those thoughts and feelings go away. You may want to try this before you contact your lover again. My prayers are with you, your wife and family. Mo
(USA) Mo… I am doing it! And guess what? I don’t think I am even taking the call or explaining. I am so tired. I have done the take the call and try to talk about it and blah blah blah. Look, there was a time he cut me off and wrote me a stupid letter about going through something at work and home, after 9 years mind you. I don’t owe him anything. The gifts I will keep. Never bothered me to keep them those two years I was doing good. There are 10 years worth of gifts and the expensive jewelry is stuff I would never buy for myself. I deserve those things in my opinion.
What I don’t deserve is to be tortured any longer. Sorry Mo, but I don’t regret some of those years with him. They were the best of times… and the worst of times. The good times were uncomparable and I feel lucky I experienced them. The angst I felt at the end of the relationship was lower than the lowest low you can imagine. I am good with my husband now, happy and appreciate him. He will ruin it for me again. He has my head spinning again and I am tossing and turning at night. It has to stop. I will keep you posted for sure. Your no contact words of wisdom have convinced me. It is the only way!
(US) Beth, I am proud of you for finally deciding to not speak with him and walk away. It is the best gift you can give yourself and him. You may not regret some of those years with him, but did it really bring the happiness you were seeking at the end of this all? In my opinion, when you say “I feel lucky I experienced them” I believe you really are saying you “Learned from the experience.” Which is a very good thing so you can move forward. Please do not take my next comment to heart, it is just the way I see things and I am not judging, just something to think about!
When you said “the expensive jewerly I deserve them in my opinion.” What are you deserving? For services rendered? That is how that comment came across to me. Even though the jewelry does not bother you, it will always be a reminder of the past. Are you not worth more than a piece of gold? Is your husband worth more than trinkets? Beth, you may come to a point where that jewerly will be a painful reminder. It may not have affected you for 2 years, but come 5 years down the road it could. I hope you have the strength to throw it away.
Let’s just say things were turned around and your husband had an affair and the other women gave him a watch. He always wanted to wear it even after the affair was over. How do you think that would make you feel? That watch would always remind your husband of her. Would seem like he was holding on to her even though the affair was over.
I hope you are understanding where I am coming from. You really seem like a strong woman to me. You love your husband and your family. Your focus should be where it belongs. It may seem trivial now to keep those things, but it may come to “bite” you later on down the road. Again, I hope I am not being harsh, just trying to get you to understand your thinking process.
Please continue to let me know how you are making out. True repentance comes from the heart. Give it to God, let him work with you and your marriage. My prayers are with you. Mo
(USA) Look, if my husband knew about the affair, of course, I would throw out the jewelry. It means nothing to me except it is pretty and sometimes I like wearing certain pieces that I really love. Why do I deserve it? I loved him with all my heart. I helped him through good times and bad. I made him happy. I was very devoted to him and put up with his depression, mood swings and loved him well.
I guess you can say I had a lot more to give and managed it well during those years. A Type A personality and can juggle a lot of balls. Of course, it takes it’s toll on you and the double life gets harder the more years it goes on. I could never do it now. I know that. Very involved with my husband’s business, and work much longer hours. My children are older but still need me. I think keeping the gifts or throwing them out is insignificant at least in my case.
I was fine while I kept away from talking to him. I missed him at times but I dealt with it and I was at peace with my decision. That is where your point is well taken. Once we were in contact all the old feelings came rushing back especially the sexual feelings. Yes, I feel like I am addicted to him again. I am going through such a rough time that I feel like picking up the phone just to get the fix. I am already in bad pain and feel this is God warning me of the much worse pain to come if I embark on something with him again. I deserve this for letting him back in. It is my punishment and arrogance to think I could handle a friendship without those old feelings coming back. Praying a lot and appreciate your feedback.
(USA) Beth, To completely recover your marriage and restore intimacy your husband HAS to know about the affair. If you don’t tell him, it’s essentially the same as if the affair was on-going. By not telling him, you are STILL deceiving him, and therefore you are keeping a barrier in place that prevents you and your husband from completely restoring your marriage.
Intimacy is built on truth, and hiding the affair from him is the opposite of truth. Therefore, as long as you have not disclosed the affair to your husband, you are still doing damage to your marriage. Disclosure may hurt, he will likely be angry. But chances are, he knew something was wrong, but couldn’t quite understand what.
If you really want to have a strong marriage, a Godly marriage, you have to be 100% open and honest with your husband. As long as he doesn’t know, you are still deceiving him, and making it impossible to have a great marriage.
(US) Beth, I am so sorry you are hurting. If this is good news, the pain is all part of the healing process. You recognize that you want to call him just for a “fix.”, which is a great sign that you are starting to think clearer. Each day you stay away from him is a victory! Be proud of yourself. You are well on your way.
My words to you in my previous post were not intended to degrade you or pass judgement. When my affair was over, I did not keep anything that the other man gave me. I did not want to be reminded of the pain of betraying my husband. But we are all different; I just did not want that “jewelry” to always be a reminder to you. I thought it may hinder any progress you make to finally being done with the affair.
Please continue to let me know how you are doing. My prayers are with you and your family. Remember, each day is a “victory” and one day closer to being free. God Bless, Mo
(USA) I respectfully disagree with you about telling about the affair. There is no need to hurt your spouse. I have never agreed with that!! Not everyone feels the same amount of guilt and shame. My God does not judge. I confess to him. There is no need to hurt my husband and permanently damage his self esteem. He feels bad enough about his performance issue. If you ask me, confessing is for people who want to make themselves feel better and I won’t judge those who do.It certainly isn’t going to make your spouse feel better. My take on this is… Deal with the guilt which is pretty much a useless emotion like worry, thank God your spouse wasn’t hurt and move on to walk a straight line. That is my plan and I feel good about it so far. I will keep you posted and thanks for your advice. :)
(USA) So let me see, you are going to argue against both the Bible and Dr Harley. Both say confession is needed when sin takes place.
I will not argue against the fact the confession is painful for both the confessor and victim to whom you confess. What I will say is when your husband does find out, and one typically does, it will be even worse if he finds out from another person, or from any means other than from you.
You seem to believe that it’s the confession that hurts. That’s not exactly true. Your husband likely already hurts due to the affair. He simply doesn’t understand what was happening because you concealed it from him. Therefore, the confession, while painful actually ultimately relieves the pain because he now knows what was going on during the painful period of your affair.
You can respectfully believe what you want. It’s your life. I respectfully ask you to consider that God and folks like Dr Harley, who’ve dealt with far more affairs than you, may know a bit more about how to successfully deal with affairs, their confession, and how to recover.
Ironically, while calling for no judgment, you sit in judgment. You judge that your husband cannot accept the pain associated. No one has judged you. I’ve simply asserted that recovery and true intimacy cannot be restored until a complete confession is made to the betrayed spouse. No judgment of character in that. It’s simply a step that I’ve learned is required by studying the subject and standing on the work of experts.
So if you are feeling judged, then perhaps it’s because you are being convicted by the Holy Spirit. After all, it’s God’s word that say if we’ve sinned against a brother, we are to go to them and confess our sin to our brother. Matthew 5:23-24 says, “If therefore you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember thatyour brother has something against you, Leave your offering there before the altar, and go your way; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering.”
James 5:14-16 instructs us to confess our sins one to another that we might lift one another up. Your primary support should be your husband, so for any sin, the first person you should be confessing to is your husband, as he is to be your closest partner.
I don’t find a scriptural reference that says if we’ve sinned against someone, that we are to hide that sin and never tell the person against whom we’ve sinned. But if you can find one, I’m willing to learn.
I don’t sit in judgment, because we are all sinners. Everyone has something to confess. I’m simply sharing the Biblical truth that God tells us clearly in His word that if we’ve sinned against someone, it’s more than just between us and God, it’s between us and the person we’ve wronged. God is clear that we are to go to that person and confess our sin against them.
(IRELAND) From what I have been told, some sins are better not confessed to the person. The Biblical injuction is to do all things in love, so we are to use our judgement as to whether it is really a loving thing or not. If we have held a grudge against a pastor and later repented and confessed, it may not be necessary to confess to the pastor how much we wanted him to fail. Or if we have betrayed a friendship, or lied about someone, etc. It is normally necessary to make restitution, like repaying a debt or money stolen, that is Biblical, but I don’t see a blanket rule, as the Bible is not about legalistic rules to follow in every situation. We have to use wisdom and discernment, and see if our motives are simply to protect ourselves or to lift the other person.
(USA) Beth, I can probably find a counselor to say anything I want. The question is, how successful is that counselor?
Dr Harley found that traditional marriage therapy had a failure rate of over 80% He cites in this page that less than 25% felt marriage therapy helped and more than that felt it did more harm than good: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3100_how.html
His success rate is about 90% for those who follow the program completely. But don’t take my word for it: http://www.lifeturnaroundnow.com/authors/j-o/willard-f-harley-jr/
So what does Dr Harley say must be done when an affair occurs? Well, this article has one aspect, total separation of the affair partners, FOR LIFE! Let’s read the rest of the plan: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html; http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5061_qa.html. There is more before and after that in the series of links about surviving an affair. However, in the first link I’ve presented, Dr Harley is clear about the need to confess the affair.
This gives the betrayed spouse crucial information needed to restore the marriage. Dr Harley rightly says that it’s insulting for the unfaithful spouse to take the approach they are sparing the betrayed spouse pain. After all, the affair was a very hurtful action, and they had not reservations about doing that, so now claiming they care about their spouse and therefore will not confess only demonstrates a lack of care and trust for the betrayed spouse.
I can’t force anyone to confess. I can only continue to point out that scripture is clear in that it tell us that we are to confess our sins one to another, that if our brother has something against us that we are to go to him and seek forgiveness. No where does scripture give a caveat such as only if they know, or only if it won’t hurt. After all, it’s the sin that hurts. The hurt has already been done. I contend that those who are unwilling to confess are unwilling to allow their betrayed spouse to heal from the hurt already done.
I believe it’s short-sighted thinking to believe that a sin committed against a spouse is not painful if it’s not know. Marriage of all relationships is a special relationship. For marriage to be what God designed it to be, which is a model of the relationship between God and man, full disclosure between both husband and wife must happen. Just as there are no secrets kept from God, one should not keep secrets from their spouse. Regardless how painful it may be to reveal such secrets, I do believe God is clear that we are not to keep the secrets of our sin from our spouse.
I know that many will choose to ignore this advice, as it’s difficult. I simply request that you go to God and ernestly pray about it. Look in His word. If you can find any scripture that says to conceal your own sin from those against whom you’ve sinned, then continue to conceal your own sin. But if all you find is that you are to confess to those against whom you’ve sinned, then I pray you will follow God’s plan and ignore human wisdom in this matter.
(USA) From a 30 yr couples counselor… Should you confess your affair to your spouse?
No. I’ve got to tell you that this is very, very important. I’m a person who is just an advocate of truth. I really will do anything to tell the truth, so it took me a long time to get to the point where I say, just don’t tell. Because how does it make a person less guilty to inflict terrible pain on someone? Which is exactly what the confession does. It puts the other person in a permanent state of hurt and grief and loss of trust and an inability to feel safe, and it doesn’t alleviate your guilt. Your relationship is dealt a potentially devastating blow.
Honesty is great, but it’s an abstract moral principle… The higher moral principle, I believe, is not hurting people. And when you confess to having an affair, you are hurting someone more than you can ever imagine. So I tell people, if you care that much about honesty, figure out who you want to be with, commit to that relationship and devote the rest of your life to making it the most honest relationship you can. But confessing your affair is the kind of honesty that is unnecessarily destructive.
There are two huge exceptions to not telling: if you’re having an affair and you haven’t practiced safe sex, even if it’s only one time, you have to tell. Again, the moral principle is minimizing the hurt. But this time, the greatest risk of hurt comes from inflicting a sexually transmitted disease, and I’ve never seen a relationship recover from that. You also have to tell if discovery is imminent or likely. If you’re going to be found out, then it’s better for you to be the one to make the confession first. I agree with this premise. Professional couples counselor of 30 plus years
Sorry I agree with her and I didn’t read this until after I posted. My confession is to God only. I would never inflict that kind of pain on my spouse unless I was trying to get him back for something. That is not the case here. He has no idea, happy now and always was happy with me. No reason to do that to a good man to alleviate my guilt. I deal with it… and I will give him the honest relationship he deserves from now on.
(USA) Beth, as I said elsewhere in this topic, one can find a counselor to say anything. However, at this very site, here is a link: https://marriagemissions.com/finding-a-good-marriage-counselor.
Notice that only about 16% think their counselor did any good. Again, I ask you, do you want to follow the majority, who typically fails, or go with the advice of a known successful counselor who has a success rate of about 90% when it comes to saving marriages and restoring romantic love.
Since Dr Harley has such a high success rate, and more importantly since scripture says we are to confess, I content that the path you are advocating is risky and has a high chance of failure.
(USA) The marriage you have with your husband – it is his marriage too, is it not? By having an affair, you have made a very large decision about your marriage without the knowledge or consent of your marriage partner. While you may not want to inflict pain upon your husband, and this is an understandable sentiment, you already have hurt him by having this affair.
One can never know what is within another person’s heart, and he may have doubts that he has hidden from you, because he does not want to hurt you with accusations. Either way, does he not have an equal say in the relationship you have together? Does an affair not violate the relationship he has agreed to with you? He has a right to know.
I respectfully suggest that you give your husband more credit, tell him the truth, and have faith in him that he will be able to handle it in whatever way he needs to. God never gives us more than we can handle.
(CR) Hi, I’ve been married for 3 years, to my highschool boyfriend. 5 years ago, I started making out with my best friend from college. It lasted 2 weeks or so. We stopped seeing each other, except for formal activities, cause we’ve got friends in common. We went to each other’s weddings; everything was more than over. We got together 4 months ago, and started going out for lunch. But like a month ago we started making out again. He’s great; I’m starting to feel strongly about him. I’ve tried to end it, like 3 times. Every Friday I say it’s enough, but we get back together on Mondays.
This week he said he couldn’t “play” anymore like this, and broke it off. It cost me a lot. I’ve got to admit that I’ve written to him on the messenger several times. I try to keep it “normal”. I’ve got Jesus in my life, I’m young, and I’ve got a baby. I’m usually very well focused, and organized. This is a NEVER what I would do in my life. I would always say, me with a married man? Me, cheating on my husband? Never.
Pray for me, and wish me luck. I miss him greatly and I love him a lot. If it were a different situation, it would have been great. I think we can’t judge. It’s something we can’t expect. We can avoid it. I know I miss handled the situation, and I’ve got to pay the consequences of being broken hearted.