You’d think that a wayward spouse would be aware of his or her weakness, and aware of the pain inflicted. And because of this awareness, he or she would be thoughtful enough to make every effort to avoid further contact with the lover. Instead, the wayward spouse often argues that the relationship was “only sexual.” Another argument this spouse gives is that it was “only emotional, but not sexual” or some other peculiar description. They say this to prove to the other spouse that continued contact with the lover would be okay.
Most betrayed spouses intuitively understand the danger and demand that all contact with a lover end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to the betrayed spouse.
Total Separation: The Right Way to End an Affair
In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children’s schooling, I recommend with all seriousness that there be a sudden and complete end to an affair. And I recommend extreme measures to ensure total separation for life from a former lover.
Several years ago, I owned and operated ten chemical dependency treatment clinics. At first, we used several different treatment strategies. For some, we tried to encourage moderation, and for others we tried to achieve total abstinence. Eventually, all of the counselors agreed that total abstinence was the only way to save drug or alcohol addicts from their self-destructive behavior.
Unless they completely abandoned the object of their addiction, the addiction usually returned. For these people, moderation was impossible. The conviction that their drug of choice was off-limits to them for life, helped end their cycle of addiction-treatment-addiction.
Total Separation Strategy
My strategy for ending an affair with total separation from the lover developed after my experience treating addicts. And, over the years, I’ve found my total-separation strategy to be very effective in ending affairs in a way that makes marital recovery possible. Without total separation, marital recovery is almost impossible.
An affair is a very powerful addiction. The craving to be with the lover can be so intense that objective reality doesn’t have much of a chance. Their spouse and children may be permanently injured by this cruel indulgence, but it doesn’t seem to matter. All that matters is spending more time with the lover. That makes it an addiction.
Affairs Are Addicting
Even the one-night stand may be an addiction. It may not be an addiction to a particular lover, but it may still be an addiction —to one-night stands. In affairs that have low emotional attachment, the addiction is often to the act of having sex itself, rather than to a particular lover.
The addiction to one-night stands can also grow from a need to be continually assured of one’s attractiveness. People who indulge in such practices want to feel that they can have anyone they want, even that person over there sitting at the bar. These people who need constant reassurance of their attractiveness must learn some other way to gain that assurance —a way that does not destroy their marriage.
The analogy between chemical addiction and an affair is striking. In both cases, the first step toward recovery is admitting that the addiction is self-destructive and harmful to those whom the addict cares for most —his or her family.
Suffering from Withdrawal
After recognizing the need to overcome the addiction, the next step is to suffer through the symptoms of withdrawal. Addicts are often admitted to a hospital or treatment program during the first few weeks of withdrawal. This is to ensure total separation from the addicting substance.
Abstain!
The way to overcome an addiction has been tried and proven. Addicts must abstain from the object of their addiction. Alcoholics, for example, must completely avoid contact with any alcoholic beverage to gain control over their addictive behavior. They must even avoid friends who drink occasionally in their presence. In addition, they must surround themselves with an alcohol-free environment. In the same way, when a wayward spouse separates from the lover, extraordinary precautions must be taken. They are to avoid all contact with the lover —for life.
Of course, my advice is not easy to implement. Many people who have had an affair try but fail to make a drastic and decisive break with their lover.
The above article is adapted from the book, Surviving an Affair
— ALSO —
To find further help on this issue, please read the two linked articles below. (Note: they are not Christian articles, but the information is very sound and is scripturally sound.)
• HOW TO PERMANENTLY END THE AFFAIR
• LETTING GO OF THE GRIEF, HEARTACHE, AND DISCOMFORT
— PLUS —
You will find below an additional linked article written by Dr Willard Harley Jr, to read, that you might find helpful:
• THE ADDICTIVE POWER OF AN AFFAIR
Filed under: Surviving Infidelity
(UK) I have to say that I have no intention of telling my wife. I have confessed to God and another human being. I don’t see a biblical command to tell the person you have sinned against. If that was the case, every sin of lust would require a man or woman confess to strangers in the street or colleagues at work for having looked at them sinfully.
I see how in some circumstances a spouse knowing might help a marriage rebuild. But how would it help my children for example, to have 2 parents emotionally crippled as opposed to just one, at the moment?
Also, speaking as a Christian, I want to recommend a secular book. It’s by Paul Mckenna and it’s called How to Mend Your Broken heart. It has a chapter called ‘How to Fall Out of Love’. How good is that? Does that not sound promising? I have been doing the exercises and the effect is almost immediate. You have to repeat the exercises, as in my case, but the effects are remarkable. Please try it, and no, I am not related to the author! Read my earlier posts to see my predicament if you doubt that. Try it. I think God wants us to use whatever we can to end the fantasy. Pray for me. God Bless you all
(USA) Rob,
I think you are ignoring this scripture:
Matthew 5:23-24 says, “If therefore you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, Leave your offering there before the altar, and go your way; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering.”
Being reconciled includes the confession of sin against a brother, or in your case, a betrayed spouse. Even if they don’t know, it is still something they have against you.
I cannot force you to confess. However, is this something you want to take a chance with on being wrong about? Wouldn’t it be better if you erred on the side of caution and confessed? Keeping secrets is no way to run a marriage. Your bride has the right to know the truth about her marriage.
To deny her that truth is to continue to lie to her. She is assuming you were faithful. Allowing her to carry that view is to continue the lie.
It’s your life, it’s your marriage. It seems scripture is pretty clear, that if your brother, some who is close to you who cares about you has been sinned against by you, you are to confess that sin and repent.
To say otherwise is to ignore the scripture I’ve presented here. You can no longer say you cannot find in scripture where you are told to confess to those whom you’ve sinned against.
(UK) Tony, Thanks, but that refers to sinning against a brother. Where does it say I should confess infidelity to a wife? You see, it comes down to your interpretation of Scripture. Why is your interpretation better than mine?
(USA) You are assuming brother means someone like a sibling. Brother is a term that means someone who is close to you. So do really think God is saying that we are only to confess to brothers? That we are not to confess to sisters, parents, spouses? Is that really what you think God is saying in his word? You can try to hang your hat on that interpretation if you want to. I’d encourage you to research the significance of the word brother in scripture. I think you’ll find that it means someone with whom you have a close bond.
So unless you are trying to tell me you don’t have a close bond with you wife, which in fact I would believe since you are unwilling to confess to your wife, then I think you are standing on a very shaky position. But you are the one who has to defend it to God. You are the one you has to stand before God when He asks and explain to him how you took this scripture to mean that it was only brothers to whom you had to confess, and that you ignored the idea that one’s spouse was the closest relationship God intended one to have on earth.
Again, to support your position, you have to deny the idea that marriage is the earthly model of our relationship with God. That we are to be so close, that we are to be one. We are to be one with God, and we are to be one with our spouse. If your vows were anything like mine, you vowed to become one with your spouse. How does one become one with their spouse by concealing important aspects about themselves? How does one become one with their spouse while trying to hide sin?
What makes an interpretation of scripture good is not the person, but is it consistent when compared to the whole of scripture. I’ve asked you to provide a scripture that says we are NOT to confess our sins to those to whom we sin against.
So let’s assume that you are right, that it’s we are to confess to brothers. Where is your scriptural support that indicates when we are NOT to confess when we sin against someone? I don’t think you’ll find it, but I keep asking for you to provide an instance where God says don’t confess to the person you’ve hurt with your actions. Yet you’ve not provided such a passage.
That’s what I believe makes my interpretation more accurate. It’s that scripture is clear that we are to confess. Brother is a generic term for a close relationship. That could just as easily be spouse, parent, etc. There is also the idea that we are all brothers and sisters in Christ. Many times we are referred to as brothers or sisters in faith.
If one takes that approach, then if we sin against any believer, we are to confess. Yet I don’t think it ends there. If God’s objective is to win non-believers, wouldn’t it stand to reason that not only would we confess to believers if we sin against them, but also to non-believers? I think it does. At the very least, it’s much like Pascal’s wager. I’d rather err on the side of confessing too often and being wrong, than on the side of not confessing enough and having to answer for attempting to conceal my sin.
So I wait for your scriptural support that indicates God says do not confess sin to those against whom you sin. That’s all it takes to settle this. If you believe God has said don’t confess, then by all means, show me in scripture where God says do not confess sin to those against whom you or I have sinned.
(AUSTRALIA) Actually, I don’t see where Matt 5 says to confess. It says to reconcile. Reconciling does not have to include confessing every sin. I am reconciled with my family members, but I have not confessed every sin I have committed against them, and if I did, we would not be reconciled because some are not of the maturity to handle it. Love must consider the weakness of others.
I am sure I have come across counselors with high success rates and satisfied clients who would do not recommend confessing infidelity in every situation as a rule. Judge each case in its own merit.
(UK) Thanks Australia, Yes, this is my point entirely. Many of my friendships would be fractured if I confessed all to them. I will discuss my situation with good men that I trust before making any big decisions about disclosure.
(USA) Tony, Just so that you feel better about my situation I will tell you that I have prayed long and hard about the situation. Thankfully God has given me the strength to conquer my own guilt without devastating my husband. Hurting another human being to alleviate your own guilt to me is a worse sin than cheating. I think that every situation is unique. You need to not interpret the scriptures so rigidly and think a bit out of the box. Devastating my husband is not an option with me. Could never hurt him. If I was capable of that I would have left him to be with my lover like so many people do.
By the way, the counselor who wrote that is one of the most successful in her field. If you read it again it will make sense to you. Confessing might make some people feel better but in the case of someone like me it would kill me to inflict hurt on an innocent person. I also truly believe that confessing will end more marriages than save them. I know plenty of people who have a zero tolerance for cheating. Their spouse confesses and they throw them right out. Be careful who you give that advice to. With that said, I know you truly believe this in your heart and are trying to help, so thanks. Beth
(USA) Here’s what I’m caught up with in what you say, “Confessing might make some people feel better but in the case of someone like me it would kill me to inflict hurt on an innocent person.” Really? Somehow you managed to have the affair, so it’s not really something that will kill you either emotionally or physically. But now that your faced with the challenge of doing the right thing, it will kill you (figuratively speaking.)
Do you see how I could have a hard time buying that line of reasoning? A spouse throwing you out is the risk you take by choosing to have the affair.
Does your spouse believe you were faithful? If you allow your spouse to believe that, knowing differently, you are still lying to your spouse. Even if the affair is not on-going, the lie is. That means the betrayal is still on-going. So not telling just allows the sin to continue to do it’s damage. It’s not the confession that kills the marriage, it’s the betrayal that kills it. The confession is the only chance to fully end the betrayal and if there is to be a recovery, it allows recovery to begin.
But please, don’t shift the blame of a potential end of any marriage to the act of confession. It is NEVER confession that ends a marriage, but sin which is being confessed. To claim one cannot confess because they are concerned about the relationship rings hollow. After all, if the primary concern was about the relationship or the betrayed spouse, the affair would never happen.
The affair is the real damage. The confession is one of the first steps to heal BOTH parties from the damage done. It’s as if the marriage has a disease. One knows about it, but will not tell the other so the right cure can be applied.
We continue to apply our worldly wisdom as was done in the Garden. We continue to harm one another by applying that wisdom. I personally believe that to keep secrets from our spouse is just as damaging as the act being kept secret. Ending the affair is not enough, confession is required to heal the damage done. If there is no confession, there is no healing.
As long as you are adamant about not confessing, it’s my belief that you do not want the best for your marriage. Instead, you are afraid for your own life. You say it yourself, expressing much concern over how confession might kill you, figuratively speaking. Confession doesn’t kill you or your spouse. It frees BOTH of you and begins the path of healing.
(USA) Tony, Believe it or not I have an advanced psychology degree. Of course, when we ourselves, engage in the bad behavior it is very hard to help ourselves. So I do love reading respected collegues opinions. You have to know your spouse.
In your case you needed to confess to be closer to your spouse and I am happy it worked out for you. In my case, my husband is oblivious to the affair. He is oblivious to marital problems because we are happy. Hard for you to understand but I was happy with my husband during the affair. I love him dearly and that never faltered. I just fell in love with another as well. Of course my marriage is even better with the lover out of the picture. I want to keep it that way. So important for me to avoid him at all costs. That is why I came on this site, for strength to continue to not talk to him so I avoid all temptation.
My husband is fine, my marriage is very good. So you want me to confess for what??? To alleviate my guilt? To devastate my husband? To make him understand I lusted for another man? You are starting to sound silly now Tony. I will reiterate that advising people to confess who are already on the straight and narrow is bad advice and could actually break up marriages. Pray for guidance.
(USA) My ex-wife never confessed to her affair. She chose divorce instead of confessing and accepting the forgiveness that was offered. I confessed that I had failed her, but she took that as I was weak, or she couldn’t measure up, or something she years later is still unable to say.
Bottom line, I’ve yet to see anyone show me the scriptural reference that says don’t confess. I’ve heard about this marriage counselor or coach, or someone’s personal knowledge of their spouse. What I’ve yet to see is a scriptural reference that says don’t confess your sins to those against whom you’ve sinned.
I do find references that indicate we should confess sin to those against whom we’ve sinned. So wouldn’t it stand to reason that God would be just as clear if there were cases where He didn’t want you to confess to those against whom you’ve sinned?
You seem to think my objective is to save your marriage, or anyone else’s marriage. That’s really not what this is about. This website seems to be about marriages that honor God. Doing marriage in a Godly fashion. I don’t think that keeping the knowledge of sins against our spouse is in line with that objective.
I’ve yet to read where God’s primary objective is that we are happy, that we don’t suffer pain, or have to go through trials. Instead, I do read where God wants us to be HOLY, where we will suffer trials and that going through those trials with Him will make us more Holy. Not because of what we do, but because we trust in Him.
Neither you, nor your spouse are afforded that opportunity if you keep the sin from your spouse. When you do that, you demonstrate a lack of faith in both God and your betrayed spouse.
So again I ask, what is the scripture that says you are to conceal your sin from your spouse? All your arguments about how difficult it is, or may be, or how hurtful it is, etc, really don’t carry weight when we are talking about the Word of God.
(USA) Tony, How did it make you FEEL to know you where cheated on? Did it affect your confidence? Your sex drive? Your work? Your relationships? Your view of the world? Did you know the entire time you where cheated on, and waited for your wife to simply tell you the truth and offer you true remorse and “just compensation”?
How is it that so many people don’t understand this?
(USA) It doesn’t really matter what I felt as I’ve still not read in scripture that it’s about feelings. I would have to say that the lying was the worst part. The only way to stop the lying is to expose the truth.
I didn’t know, but suspected, and eventually got the proof of the affair. Even with proof, it was denied. So I’ve have to say the lack of honesty was the most hurtful part.
Maybe there are some folks who would rather remain ignorant. Still, I don’t think God has said to maintain the lie. Scripture is about truth, even when truth is painful. We are told to deliver the truth in love. That doesn’t mean it will be painless. Many times, truth hurts.
(USA) Another source and reason not to tell… There is a somewhat prominent author, whose name escapes me at the moment, who feels that in no way shape or form, should a cheating spouse tell their partner of a marital affair—except in the instance where not knowing may have an adverse effect on the health, safety and well being of their spouse and/or family. I suppose that this would entail issues like STDs, gun toting jealous husbands, and “Fatal Attraction” type women.
The main argument against confessing is basically that telling will only make YOU feel better, and your spouse feel worse. It’s the old “ignorance is bliss” mentality. I can’t say that this has no merit, as I once subscribed to this theory completely.
The other argument is that confessing could backfire on you, and though you may have expected forgiveness and the opportunity to work out your marital difficulties, the result could actually be that your spouse kicks you out of the house.
There are no “do overs” in love. Once Pandora’s Box is open there is no closing it and putting all the dirty secrets back inside. The relationship has changed forever. It will never be the same and will never go back to the way it was before you confessed. Your spouse may never trust you again. Even if there is a “forgive,” there will never be a “forget.” Your spouse will always have doubt about you in the back of his/her mind.
Whether or not a person ever confesses a marital affair to their partner, there’s at least one person they should get real with – themself. Figuring out how and why they ended up in the predicament – or predicaments, if cheating is a recurring theme – would serve well towards creating a life with more integrity and fulfillment.
(USA) Beth, What you don’t know DOES hurt you. How many spouses are having affairs AND maintaining the exact relationship they held with their spouse? Still holding them in high regard, and fulfilling their emotional and physical needs?
It doesn’t happen often. Most of the time people are in an affair, they become more self centered. They pull out of a lot of time and responsibility that they gave to their spouse, and leave the spouse with major amounts of pain. YOU KNOW.
It made me feel like I was getting stupider by the day, to know my wife was cheating on me. She was blaming me the entire time, and basically stopped doing everything she did for me before. Also in an effort to preserve her ego, and I told her she can’t keep it… In the effort to preserve it, she flipped her mentality and made me her problem. So there was nothing I could do right.
I KNEW, and like I said, it was an emotional drain to have someone cheating on me, and not being told. It also like I said made me feel stupider by the day. My confidence, my ego, my sex-drive many facets of me were being stripped out by my cheating wife.
I knew I would never know the truth unless she had a falling out of one of the friends who where harboring the secret. The secret came out 2.5 years later, and it was a relief. It will be a relief to any spouse who is being cheated on, to be given the truth and given true remorse.
(USA) Daddy L, What you didn’t know hurt YOU. Every case is unique and that is why we all have to make our own decision on how to handle it. If the confession is truly made out of love to help your marriage than that is the right decision. In my case my husband had no idea. Ok, give me the academy award. I guess I was doing plenty wrong then but add to the fact that I was ms perfect wife, nursed my husband back to health, ran his business when he got sick, nurtured him and got him back on his feet.
I truly think if someone told my husband I was cheating he would punch them out. He would never believe it. Telling my husband would serve no purpose but to make him feel inadequate, distrust me and fracture my marriage which is back on track. My confession is to God and I did confess to my good friends who all agreed with me that it was paramount that my husband never find out.
When you make a decision to devastate someone you need to know that you are truly doing it for the right reasons. As the counselor said, the higher principle is not hurting someone to alleviate your own guilt especially when it serves no purpose. I have reconciled myself to what went on and guilt is a useless emotion that will interfere with me moving forward so that emotion is gone from me. Right now my focus is to cut off all contact with my ex, devote myself to my husband and be the best wife and person that I can be.
(USA) On a christian based marriage website, you will be hard pressed to find someone who is not going to say to:
1. Reveal your betrayal
2. Ask for forgiveness
3. Remorse and recovery.
I know you feel that the fallout from the affair has not hit your husband, and he was unaffected. What you have done is put someone in your (you and your husband’s) life, and this person can cause malicious harm in the future.
One of the reasons for revealing the betrayal is so that the spouse may know what they are up against.
There have been many cases where the affair partner or his friends or contact have made a target of the betrayed spouse or the family. There may not be physical harm, but there may be. They look at your family to see if they can get financial gain out of it. Also later if rumours come out and the husband is blindsided… It would have been a selfish thing to keep that secret, that’s going to crush him.
Its up to you, I don’t want you to break up your marriage of course. I believe for most people where there is remorse that recovery and a stronger marriage is possible.
You don’t have to respond, I just wanted to make you aware of some of the dangers of the affair that were far beyond having a child by another man or sexually transmitted diseases.
(USA) Beth, Just take good care of yourself and your husband. If you think that he can be hurt by this, I’d tell him before it gets to him. Try not to act or lie, it’s what causes us to think we can get away with these things in the first place.
(US) I guess telling your spouse or not is a personal decision. No, I do not advocate hurting anyone in the process. I chose to tell my spouse of my affair because of the deception. It was a personal choice. Sometimes I think if I did not know about my husband’s affair in may be easier. But then again, we could not fix the problems in our marriage that have been apparent for many years unless we were both awakened. So to each is own.
If personally, you are truely remorseful than I believe you are on the right track to recover. Your spouse needs to be informed of any issues to improve your marriage. As long as the sin is confessed to God then I believe you can move forward. Do not know if the “secret” will haunt you for the rest of you life but at least you made amends to the “one that matters.” After all, we all will eventually have to answer for our actions to our Lord, alone, He is the final judge. Mo
(USA) Mo, I think if I was in your situation I would have confessed to my spouse as well. There were issues in that you both had affairs. I think in that case once it is confessed then you can both work on why it happened, etc etc. Also, the guilt for both of you is alleviated somewhat since it happened to both of you. You can both understand how it happened and move forward with fixing the problems.
Sounds horrible but the secret doesn’t haunt me at all. I am a “power of now” type of person who truly believes that the past should never dominate your life unless it is useful. Guilt has been blamed for people going insane and I have seen that first hand. It is a very useless emotion that cripples us from moving forward. I agree 100% on your comment about being truly remorseful. That is the key. Our Lord knows what all of us are about. He is all knowing, loving and good. Beth
(AUSTRALIA) Beth, sounds like you are moving forward. For a truly repentant person, God forgives and heals. Guilt need not tie you down. Go girl!
(USA) Thanks Mia, You get it totally. Guilt doesn’t tie me down at all. I am moving forward, feeling good about myself, feeling closer than ever to my husband and the drama is behind me. Stirring up drama again and hurting my husband is not an option. Would only serve to devastate my husband, potentially break up my marriage and hinder moving forward. God truly does forgive and heal. You just have to believe in his goodness and power.
(CANADA) Thank you to all for sharing your stories and thoughts. I recently came out of a 2 year affair with an ex boyfriend. I leaned on this ex of mine when my husband and I were going through some serious issues. He was also going through some issues with his wife and we soon became a support system for each other. Before I knew it, I realized that I was in love with the other man.
I cut off contact for a while but we ran into each other and all the old feelings came rushing back. I do feel men will say anything to get you into bed. He would complain about his wife and tell me that he was going to leave her when she finished school. He said he loved me and wanted to be with me; he just needed more time. We went away on several romantic trips together and spent every second we could together. Unfortunately this year my dad died suddenly. The other man pulled away and was not supportive at all. I learned the hard way that he was only in the affair as an escape from his miserable marriage and that once things in our relationship became real, he wanted out.
The other man was at my dad’s funeral but a week later he told me that he needed to confess everything to his wife. He said something told him to leave me alone. I think that’s a load of crap and he just got scared and needed to have an excuse. I feel devastated because I’ve lost my dad and now one of my oldest friends. I miss the other man so much but not sure if I miss him or just the good feelings I had when we were together.
My husband is a great guy but I feel very tied to him and responsible because he is terrible with finances and I worry what leaving the marriage would do to him. He knows of my affair and says he understands why it happened – he ignored me for many years of our marriage and got us deep into debt. Not that this is an excuse but just laying my cards on the table. I feel so very alone and even more so with my dad’s passing and no contact from the other man for 2 months now. I am not sure how to continue.
(US) Cait, I am so sorry for the loss of your Dad. You have a lot on your plate right now. Lost both of my parents and know how you feel.
Right now, please try to concentrate on you and your marriage. The affair you had was an escape from reality. I had an affair about 15 years ago, and I felt the “love” toward the OM (even told him that). When I woke up from my fantasy I realized I never loved him and regreted that I got involved. No matter what was happening in my marriage, I had no right to inflict more pain and confusion. I vowed when I ended it that I would never do it again regardless of what the situation was in my marriage and I never did. Unfortunately I did not seek the help of God after it happened and my marriage continued to fall apart. Alas, my husband’s affair took root. He had a long emotional affair that ended about 4 months ago.
I watched my husband hurt just like you are. It is the addiction and the high of the affair that make it more appealing. But it is just that, an addiction, a feel good time. You and the OM went on “romantic getaways.” Nice to see each other through “rose colored glasses.” Both of you put your best face on. But in fact it is all an illusion. No work, bills to pay, household chores, raising children, etc. No everyday life to share with each other. Real love is facing the everyday problems of life, respecting, caring, and working together for the good of your lives. Real love has no secrets.
The OM gave you the best gift he could, by not contacting you. Even though you hurt right now, that hurt will eventually go away. It is going to take time. You will start to see things clearer as the feelings diminish and the “high” of the affair is gone. You must stay in no contact with him. Period. No phone calls, texts, e-mails, facebook. Nothing. This is the only way. Take it one day at a time. Live in the present. Do not look back or forward. Everyday there is no contact is a gift to you. Try to look at it that way. Put your time and energy into you husband and family.
Look at your hubby as the most wonderful man in the world despite all of his faults. Ask God to change you, (yes change you!) then you will see changes in your husband. Show your husband “love”. Hug him, kiss him, buy him cards etc. Love is an action not a feeling. Even if you do not “feel like you are in love with your husband.” Do it anyway. I did not feel “love” for my husband but decided to view things differently. I did things for him, bought cards, wrote letters etc. Well, the love feelings have come back with a vengenance and I am getting a great return on my investment, my wonderful husband back. He reciprocates the Love. This all happened because I chose to love him, not wait for the feeling. Try it, you may surprise yourself down the road.
I used to pray to God that my husband would change. Eventually I realized that I was the one that needed to change. So with God’s help the changes came in me, which led to changes in my husband. It is not happening all at once, but the changes in my husband are coming to light. My husband and I are also in marriage counseling to work through our problems. I would highly recommend it. Problems will not be solved overnight, but we are progressing. Our “dead marriage” is starting to come back to “life.” With all of the problems we have had, it is truely a miracle. If we can do it anyone can. Ask the Lord for guidance and pray. That is one thing that we never had in our marriage and now we incorporate it. Every morning we pray together. What a wonderful gift we give to each other.
I pray for you Cait, and hope my advice will give you some insight. Continue to look to God, ask forgiveness and show your hubby love. Take it a day at a time. Let your heart heal. Eventually you will “see the light.” God Bless you and your Marriage, Mo
(USA) Very good point Mo re: the addiction. I used to think my OM was my soul mate until I realized I was addicted. Affairs can become like a drug to you, literally. “They can elicit a chemical reaction in the brain, releasing endorphins, adrenaline and oxytocin. You become physically and mentally addicted to them.” This statement I read somewhere really hit me. I was addicted for sure and the only way to break the addiction is through no contact. Just like a drug addict or alcoholic cannot touch the offending drug. Once this hit me and I did the cut off – the healing began. Support of friends and prayers to God help keep you strong during the healing process
(CANADA) Thanks Mo, for your comments and your condolences. It has been a horrible ordeal, these last 3 months. My dad’s death was after a very sudden illness and it devasted me and my family beyond belief. I spent 4 weeks looking after my dad while he was in the ICU and my time with the OM was very limited. There were a few days he came down to the hospital area and took me for dinner and a walk to try and get my mind off of things. He drove down for the funeral (11 hours one way because he was on a business trip) and he said that SOMETHING told him to leave me alone and that my husband and I belong together. Is is screwed up to think that SOMETHING was my dad telling him to leave me alone?
I’ve been trying so hard to reconnect with hubby. Unfortunately, there’s been many things that have gotten in the way of that… he lost his job and a couple of other downers. I am committed to making it work with my hubby, but I need to get over the great void of my dad. It’s so hard to totally reconnect with him when I feel so sad about the death of my father.
I also feel sad about the loss of the OM who I’ve known for 13 years. The OM really led me to believe that we would be together. He introduced me to coworkers, introduced me to his parents (while he was briefly separated from his wife and they knew that he shouldn’t have gotten married to begin with). I gave so much of myself to him and just feel so terrible that I hurt other people in the process. His last letter to me was so hurtful and I think that is why I just can’t move on right now. He said that through the lies he never loved me. He only told me that he loved me to keep me from exposing the affair. He said that if I have any other questions, just think that the answer would be he lied about that too. Am I that stupid and pathetic to have fallen into this trap? The worst part of all is that in his “confession” to his wife he stated that I pursued him. I absolutely did not. He pursued me for years before I became so lonely and had such low self esteem that I fell for him.
I just want to know…how do I let it all go? The angry feelings? The sad feeling? The nervousness in my stomach? Constantly feeling like I”m on the verge of tears. I feel that I am not functioning properly and I want to be able to tell hubby how I’m feeling, but he won’t understand. I wouldn’t expect him to… my mind is a mess. Thank you for your kind words and support…in advance.
(USA) Caiti, They do lie to their wives and that is a hard thing to accept. I was also cut off by my OM at one point when things got tough at home for him. That was the beginning of the end. I realized that I would never be first and it was my own fault to think that I would be the paramount factor in his life. That is when my soul searching began, prayers to God, and analysis of what happened here began.
Let go of the anger. It doesn’t help. It will just intensify wanting them. When I was in the anger stage I was very vulnerable to my OM. Once I accepted the fact that it was just plain wrong to carry on with someone else’s husband no matter what he told me or to be unfaithful to my husband then the pieces fell into place. I also realized I was addicted to him. To the trips, gifts, crazy passion.
I was very strong when he came back after me….and that is when it gets tough. When they come back after you declaring love etc. Even though I am strong now, I still live in fear that he will come back after me gangbusters and I could potentially crack so I continue my prayers, support system etc. Hopefully he will do you a favor and continue the no contact so you can begin healing.
I do feel very much at peace now and I don’t want to ever give up that feeling. Sorry you are hurting. I know the pain all too well. It does go away and you get your life back. Beth
(USA) It’s not just husbands that lie to their wives. After all, any spouse cheating is lying to their spouse, not just the male actor in an affair.
Participants in affairs are not victims, or at least one is no more a victim than the other. So when I read about someone being vulnerable to the OM, I really want to wretch. That’s not ownership of the choices. That’s blame shifting. It’s, “I sinned, but it wasn’t my fault, I was a victim of the circumstances and the OM took advantage of me.” That’s the way it comes across.
If you really live in that fear, why not expose the affair to both of the betrayed spouses? If both your husband and his wife knew of the prior affair, as Dr Harley says, that’s a strong deterrent to the affair starting back up. Affairs thrive in secrecy. The best way to kill an on-going as well as any future eruptions is to expose the affair so there is no secrecy.
But I’ve already heard the comments on this. So I won’t belabor the point.
I really pray that you are strong enough. I really pray that the betrayed spouses learn the truth about their marriages so they can make decisions about their future with complete knowledge. For I believe the only path to a Godly and fulfilling marriage is with 100% honesty, even when that honest seems to be the “wrong” thing to do when we apply worldly wisdom to the problem.
(US) Cait, You’re are actually healing. All of these feelings you are having are normal. Plus you have to deal with the death of your Dad. Sometimes when we hurt so bad we want the hurt to go away and seek the comfort of the one we feel will take it away. But this is not about feeling for “him.” This about how you feel.
The OM shut the door on you. Be grateful Cait. You really only saw on side of him. He is not the “perfect man.” (And by the letter he wrote to you, he proved it.) You were an ego boost for him. (Trying not to be harsh.) He chose his wife. End of story. Lean on your husband, tell him how you feel. Remember this is not about what you feel for the OM just how you are feeling. Your husband may be able to relate better to you.
Part of what you’re feeling is the void that the OM left. It was a void that neither the OM, or anyone else can fill. The only one that can fill all of you is God. Our counselor told my husband and I that we can only fill about 80% of each others needs. If we could fill 100% we would be perfect. Well, no one is perfect. The OM is not perfect. Your hubby is not perfect. The OM is telling lies to his wife. Believe me Cait, he also told you lies. He is trying to save himself.
Try to reconnect with your hubby. Even though it is difficult. Give him that extra hug, kiss or whatever you want to. Believe me it does work and your husband will pleasantly respond. I also encourage you to visit ivillage.com. Go to the message board type in “EAS”. There are a group of men and women that have ended their affairs and are well on their way to healing. Many of them have healed and help other people through their stages. Quite a few that are still married. They are very strong people. You can tell your story and they will help you through it. Each day you have them to lean on.
Please take it day by day. You really are healing. It is a good sign. You are well on your way to recovery. Mo
(USA) I have been married for 17 years. Several years ago I found out my husband whom I adored was bicurious. I caught him in so many lies that I questioned the truthfulness of our marriage. For a long time I felt like our marriage and kids were just square fillers. He denied ever being unfaithful and acting out on his curiosities. I never caught him cheating but he does travel often and it is possible. I guess that although our marriage has recovered, his curiosity and deceit has stayed at the back of my mind. He is a wonderful father and provider and we have a great time together. He is very loving and still desires me sexually but has trouble with premature ejaculation. For a long time, he had trouble maintaining an erection. It is a great source of frustration for both of us. Does it stem from his curiosity? He denies it but only he knows the truth.
I have always been extremely sexual and just flat out love sex. My kids adore their dad and we have a very nice life. I could never afford our lifestyle on my own. Perhaps it was selfishness but I decided to take matters into my own hands. I didn’t want to leave my husband but I needed sexual satisfaction. I found it with a friend who was a much better friend than lover. The sex was amazing… an hour plus nonstop… compared to 30 seconds… how could I not desire that? The problem was that he was separated when we started our affair. He went back to his wife due to the kids (15, 16, and 2– last kid was during a previous breakup– I think it was her insurance policy for holding on to him).
He is nothing compared to my husband. I don’t get the emotional satisfaction or attention I need from my lover. Communication is infrequent and the excuses are many. To make matters worse, I moved out of state making any visitation difficult although I can fly free when I want to (job perk). He is self-employed and works ungodly hours plus decided to taking up coaching football on top of it all. I was low priority. I was risking my marriage for occasional sex with an emotionally detached man… he said he loved me… actions speak louder than words. I thought I loved him but we both mistook lust for love. Neither of us have ever had any intention of leaving our families…at least until the kids were grown.
I ended things today because I was sick of hurting, sick of excuses, sick of the one-sidedness, and sick over the thought of breaking up my family. I am praying that God helps cure my husband (as well as myself) sexually because he truthfully has the traits I desire in a husband/partner and is a good man.
Oh and I was one of the women who previously thought I’d divorce before I ever cheated and cast judgment upon those who did cheat. Until you’ve walked in someone’s shoes… I don’t think most people go looking for an affair. I also think people seek affairs because they don’t want to end their marriages or break up their families but seek something majorly important that they are not getting in their own marriage. Is it wrong? Absolutely. Affairs rarely work out and someone always gets hurt.
(UK) My heart goes out to all who are suffering and I mean all. Many of you are rekindling your marriage, my best wishes to you. It is very possible. Some of you are alone and filled with guilt/remorse/sorrow etc. DON’T BE. You partook of a relationship, a moment in time, you have learnt lessons, you have come through stronger, you shared something beautiful with another human being. Yes, I say beautiful because it would have been or you would not have gone there. Do not call it an addiction please.
An addiction is repetitive, habitual. Most of you have had one affair not multiple. You were going through a bad patch within your primary relationship, you were lost and looking for something you didn’t know what. Wham along came another in a similar situation and something sparked ..all that you were feeling deprived of. All that you felt was missing, long gone, all that you dreamed of in your primary relationship was suddenly in front of you. So you ventured. Ok, maybe wrongly.
But there is a train of thought that lessons are sent to us by God for us grow. We deal with them. How we do is our choice, from them we learn and grow stronger. ‘What does not kill you makes you stronger’. From what I have read most of you have grown stronger. You had the elation, the meeting of your desires, the dream. Then, as with all highs came/comes the pain ,sorrow,regret.
All I am saying is you were not addicted, you made a choice, you walked a path, things did not feel good/go how you wished/etc. So you chose, you turned to another path. That is life. Yes, as married people one should know not to, but as humans one should know not to kill another and yet we do. God would not wish you to keep berating yourself. He knows your heart, he knows your pain, your suffering and he is saying ‘I love you, I forgive you’ .Only the individuals concerned know how they should deal with their situation. I pray that all find their solution and peace within. With love and kindness,
J
(USA) Sin is never beautiful. Doing something that hurts your spouse and your children is never beautiful. I’m sure it “LOOKED” beautiful, or those who cheated wouldn’t have done it. But to actually call it beautiful is not only insulting to those who were betrayed, but makes God a liar. After all, I really doubt God finds sin beautiful, regardless how romantic we make our sin appear to be.
You are right, we all sin. We are all to grow from that experience and not do it again. May I suggest that part of your growth is to learn that in no way is sin even remotely beautiful when viewed from a Godly perspective? To call it otherwise is a slap in the face to those who are hurt by the sin. Any sin. Not just adultery, not just betraying your spouse, but in fact any sin.
Forgiveness is beautiful, sin is not. If sin were beautiful, then God would look at it. But since God is Holy, he cannot even look at sin as best as I understand scripture. If God cannot look at sin, then how can it possibly be beautiful?
Please, consider how hurtful and misleading are the words you’ve presented here. Sin is not glamorous. Sin is the most ugly thing in existence.
(USA) Do you think that your spouse – the one you say you love, the one who may or may not know about your affair, the one who has remained faithful, the one who you are cheating on – deserves that same passion that you feel with the OM or OW? Do you think that your spouse deserves to experience something beautiful with another person like that? Do you?
If you do, then let your spouse go.
If you are feeling like you might begin an affair, then end it with your spouse so that s/he can find someone else who makes him/her feel as alive as your OM/OW makes you feel. Be fair to your spouse, if you really love your spouse.
Do not trap them in an illusion while you seek out pleasure from another person. Or, if you know it is wrong, then don’t do it. But if you will do it, then release your spouse from their vows to you, if you cannot uphold them. “Forsake all others…” Remember those words please.
(S.AFRICA) Dear Judgenot, Being the wife betrayed by my husband’s affair I must say they all knew exactly what they were doing. As you said “they chose”. To say so casually that they “experienced something beautiful with another human being” is so hurtful and wrong. What about the FAITHFUL spouse who hung in there through thick and thin and never went looking for a quick fix outside of the marriage? The comment “So you ventured, OK, MAYBE wrongly” should read CERTAINLY wrongly. Your comment “You had the elation the meeting of you desires, the dream” makes me feel sick. Yes true, after the highs comes the pain, sorrow and regret. Also with it comes the damages made to your spouse’s heart. Yes, God forgives and loves us all. We all make mistakes. Please also remember us “the betrayed and broken hearted” in your prayers.
(USA) He NEVER LOVED YOU! He used you. Why don’t you get that? You put out and he took it from you. You are worthless to him. What is wrong with you? You are a horrible person to break up marriages and destroy children’s life. No wonder why your husband hates you.