You’d think that a wayward spouse would be aware of his or her weakness, and aware of the pain inflicted. And because of this awareness, he or she would be thoughtful enough to make every effort to avoid further contact with the lover. Instead, the wayward spouse often argues that the relationship was “only sexual.” Another argument this spouse gives is that it was “only emotional, but not sexual” or some other peculiar description. They say this to prove to the other spouse that continued contact with the lover would be okay.
Most betrayed spouses intuitively understand the danger and demand that all contact with a lover end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to the betrayed spouse.
Total Separation: The Right Way to End an Affair
In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children’s schooling, I recommend with all seriousness that there be a sudden and complete end to an affair. And I recommend extreme measures to ensure total separation for life from a former lover.
Several years ago, I owned and operated ten chemical dependency treatment clinics. At first, we used several different treatment strategies. For some, we tried to encourage moderation, and for others we tried to achieve total abstinence. Eventually, all of the counselors agreed that total abstinence was the only way to save drug or alcohol addicts from their self-destructive behavior.
Unless they completely abandoned the object of their addiction, the addiction usually returned. For these people, moderation was impossible. The conviction that their drug of choice was off-limits to them for life, helped end their cycle of addiction-treatment-addiction.
Total Separation Strategy
My strategy for ending an affair with total separation from the lover developed after my experience treating addicts. And, over the years, I’ve found my total-separation strategy to be very effective in ending affairs in a way that makes marital recovery possible. Without total separation, marital recovery is almost impossible.
An affair is a very powerful addiction. The craving to be with the lover can be so intense that objective reality doesn’t have much of a chance. Their spouse and children may be permanently injured by this cruel indulgence, but it doesn’t seem to matter. All that matters is spending more time with the lover. That makes it an addiction.
Affairs Are Addicting
Even the one-night stand may be an addiction. It may not be an addiction to a particular lover, but it may still be an addiction —to one-night stands. In affairs that have low emotional attachment, the addiction is often to the act of having sex itself, rather than to a particular lover.
The addiction to one-night stands can also grow from a need to be continually assured of one’s attractiveness. People who indulge in such practices want to feel that they can have anyone they want, even that person over there sitting at the bar. These people who need constant reassurance of their attractiveness must learn some other way to gain that assurance —a way that does not destroy their marriage.
The analogy between chemical addiction and an affair is striking. In both cases, the first step toward recovery is admitting that the addiction is self-destructive and harmful to those whom the addict cares for most —his or her family.
Suffering from Withdrawal
After recognizing the need to overcome the addiction, the next step is to suffer through the symptoms of withdrawal. Addicts are often admitted to a hospital or treatment program during the first few weeks of withdrawal. This is to ensure total separation from the addicting substance.
Abstain!
The way to overcome an addiction has been tried and proven. Addicts must abstain from the object of their addiction. Alcoholics, for example, must completely avoid contact with any alcoholic beverage to gain control over their addictive behavior. They must even avoid friends who drink occasionally in their presence. In addition, they must surround themselves with an alcohol-free environment. In the same way, when a wayward spouse separates from the lover, extraordinary precautions must be taken. They are to avoid all contact with the lover —for life.
Of course, my advice is not easy to implement. Many people who have had an affair try but fail to make a drastic and decisive break with their lover.
The above article is adapted from the book, Surviving an Affair
— ALSO —
To find further help on this issue, please read the two linked articles below. (Note: they are not Christian articles, but the information is very sound and is scripturally sound.)
• HOW TO PERMANENTLY END THE AFFAIR
• LETTING GO OF THE GRIEF, HEARTACHE, AND DISCOMFORT
— PLUS —
You will find below an additional linked article written by Dr Willard Harley Jr, to read, that you might find helpful:
• THE ADDICTIVE POWER OF AN AFFAIR
Filed under: Surviving Infidelity
(SOUTH AFRICA) To all the Ladies having an affair look unto Jesus who is the finisher and author of our faith. God hates adultry.
(USA) The truth is simply that he loves both in different ways. Love can happen in parallel due to the different chemicals. I have several links to recommend below.
By the time he has to choose, the obvious choice is his wife for the sake of familiarity and comfort, and he does love her. Well, there’s no need to doubt his love and you certainly need time to grieve. You should know that he misses you the same way that you miss him, but it’s up to the women to remain in total separation and to move on.
Love happens, probably in a way that we can not control, but we do have a say in our actions.
Is Love Really Just all About Dopamine?
http://www.wisegeek.com/contest/is-love-really-just-all-about-dopamine.htm
The science of love
http://www.youramazingbrain.org/lovesex/sciencelove.htm
I get a kick out of you
http://www.oxytocin.org/oxytoc/love-science.html
(USA) …And what about his wife’s choice? She has the choice to seek out what is healthiest for her, spiritually and physically, and for her family. Or rather, she too must make this choice. But she cannot make the choice if she does not know the truth of her relationship with her husband. It is his responsibility, as her husband and as a man following God, to tell her the truth of his actions with another woman. Unfortunately, adultery and deception often go hand in hand, but do not forget that they are separate sins. You can never undo adultery – but you can become a truthful person and give your wife the awareness to make her own choices.
If you try to choose between two women, and your wife makes the choice for you and leaves, well, at least you won’t be alone. Your lover will still be there. And for that, it was worth it… right?
(USA) I just had an affair with a lady who is 9 years my junior. She did a great job of ending the affair. What’s tough for both of us is we work together so we have to see each other everyday. I can tell she really has deep feelings for me and she is some what hurt and confused about most of her feelings. The one feeling she is not confused about is she knows I’m not leaving my wife.
For a while she thought I was going to leave. I never told her I would leave my wife. I guess she assumed because I talk to her about all of my marital problems I might leave. She had dreams of us being together in the future. When I finally let her know for sure I was not leaving she refused to ever kiss me or make love with me. She is tough because she stuck to her guns. We tried to maintain a friendship but it didn’t work.
I can honestly say I have deep feelings for this lady. BUT I THINK THESE FEELINGS ARE FALSE BECAUSE I AM MARRIED AND DON’T HAVE THE CLEAR MIND OF A SINGLE MAN DATING A WOMAN. I know if I was single I would not want this woman. In fact, I would have never approached her. What you women need to understand is being married and trying to cheat is like playing basketball with one arm. We men will find a way to always make the easy shot or the lay up because the jump shot is too hard to make. What I mean by this is, the women we respect and truly would be with if we were single, would never have an affair with a married man. So we prey on the weaker women. We don’t love you. In fact, we don’t even respect you.
I’m a habitual cheater. I have had more than a few affairs and I have made 4 women really love me. I honestly thought I loved two of those 4 women for a while. Truth is, if I was single I would not have given either of these women more than one night of sex. So women understand, when you disrespect marriage and yourself by screwing around with a married man, the man will never truly respect you.
(UK) I don’t respect men who screw around and cheat on their wives. Why don’t you just leave your wife and let her find someone who will be faithful to her and treat her with respect? Why don’t you put your energy into working on the marriage, and if that it a hopeless cause why do you stay?
(USA) Big Sam…talk to me! I need to hear it from your view. Please see my post of November 17. I’m trying to muster the courage to END IT. And, as I’m typing this, the “other guy” (orchid man) just called me at work to say “Hi baby. How are you doing?” Making me sick… Should I call him out on this orchid thing or just walk away? Any help is appreciated. Need to get a backbone, I know.
(USA) Ok, here goes. I’ve never commented before. I have been involved with a married man for 3 yrs; I too am married, with two grown daughters. This man has no kids, married 20 years (but it is his 3rd marraige), says he’s been looking for a way out of his marraige for years, blah, blah, but he is still with her. And it appears to me that their relationship is going along just fine.
I, on the other hand, have had a lot of heartbreaking moments when my husband questions me or my daughters suspect me of my affair. I get “sucked in” by this man’s charm and all the “nice” things he does for me. My husband and I struggle financially; this other man buys me things and he and his wife clearly do not have financial problems.
What has prompted me to comment is that, after “doing some checking” based on a hunch, I found out that when he got back to town after business travel last week, he had had an orchid delivered to his wife, and on the same day he had one delivered to me. (He’s into orchids.)
I have been praying for a “sign”, a way, to be certain that I want to end this. I’ve been wanting to for several months, but keep getting sucked back in. I have a lump in my throat; feel like I’ve gotten the wind knocked out of me in finding out about the orchid last week. If I confront him, he will tell me that he’s just “trying to keep the peace” and he will challenge me on the fact that I too am still married. However, I believe that his marraige has hardly been “affected” by our relationship, unlike mine. The reality is that this “orchid” deal shows me the absurdity of all this. Any thoughts?
(S.AFRICA) Dear Chrissy, What game are you playing? It is ever so clear that you are going to get hurt and in the process destroy your marriage and hurt the ones you love. Get out NOW and with God’s help put this man behind you. Yes, in your own words “this is truly absurd.”
(USA) I’m not sure if my reply I sent a little bit ago made it to the discussion, so I’m trying again. Big Sam…talk to me! I would love your take on my story. I appreciated your post; giving me the “energy” I need to end my deal with “orchid man”. (That’s pretty funny if I do say so myself! I’ll call him orchid man-puts some humor on this absurd situation.) Any thoughts?
(S.AFRICA) Dear Chrissy, What is it you want to hear from Big Sam? He said all you need to know in his last paragraphs. He said: “So we prey on the weaker women. We don’t love you. In fact, we don’t even respect you.” “So women understand, when you disrespect marriage and yourself by screwing around with a married man, the man will never truly respect you.”
Your “energy” to end this affair will only come through prayer and with God’s strength. You seem to think your “orchid man” and this affair is funny. There is nothing funny about it at all. Time to fall on your knees and ask God’s forgiveness and guidance in your life.
(USA) Thank you for your comments Rose. And, actually, I don’t think its funny either. It is awful and has turned my life upside down. And I appreciated a post by Jess. Yes, I believe that he “loves” me, but for his own purposes and ego. And I am realizing that he would probably love to have this go on forever or until I end it or until his wife “catches” him.
You all are right; he does not intend to leave his wife. He may not be happy and clearly is not satisfied in his marriage, but he will not leave. It’s like a comfortable couch that you really don’t like the way it looks anymore and would like a new one, but it’s just so comfortable, you can’t get rid of it!
He kept buying me things and giving me money because that it easy for him to do. He has no financial worries whatsoever. No sacrifices for him there! And, as long as I am willing, he will continue. But, I am no longer willing. I must keep the focus on all those things he has said and done in the past few years that did not “settle right” with me, in that I felt used. I must stay the course. I must not be “fooled” by all the “nice” things he has done and given me. He did those things for himself so that I would stick around and continue to stroke his ego. It really has very little to do with me.
And I don’t think he knowingly did this “to me”. He doesn’t know any other way to be. It’s just who he is. And I want to be the woman I used to be… a Godly woman who had great self confidence and gave wonderful, positive energy to all those around me. It’s time… time to go forward and do what’s best for me.
(S.AFRICA) God bless you Chrissy. I will remember you in my prayers. You are worth so much more.
(USA) Wow. I did it. I ended it last night. I asked him vaguely about the orchid deal and he gave me a line of bull. So, I told him I was breaking up with him. He was rather cold, pouty and acted so “hurt” last night. He said his heart was broken, that he would never allow himself to be so hurt again, that he just wanted to run away and (get this), he said he thought that we would never end and that it would go on forever. Say what? Exactly –he just wants to have me as a girlfriend “forever”. Wow, can’t be anymore clear on the fact that he just wanted me on the side and never intended for it to be more. It is so clear to me now… and I am so thankful for the “orchid deal”. It sealed the deal for me and made it so abundantly clear what this was about.
The best part of all this is that I told my husband about this yesterday morning. He told me I had been a fool and he said he thought I knew better. I asked for his forgiveness and received it. I asked him why he loved me and he said, “I don’t know. I just do and always have and always will. And I just want you to be happy and to be okay.” Wow, talk about a man that is truly comfortable in his own skin! And he shared his thoughts on the “orchid man” and some of the things he said were so right on I couldn’t believe it.
I am so blessed… and I have learned a big lesson. To honor myself, to treat myself well, to cherish myself, to believe in myself and to always listen to that “little voice” inside that tells me when something is “off” and not working for me. I have two grown daughters and just want to share “this lesson” of honoring and loving oneself as a beautiful woman. And I am so worth it!
I intend to talk to someone at my church and confess this sin of adultery. A priest once gave me a wonderful scripture to meditate on. Psalm 139… and I am so worth it.
And I encourage any of you that are in such a dilemma and struggling and feeling that something is “off” to honor yourself and love yourself and get out. If you have ANY inkling that you are being used or that you are being deceived, then you probably are indeed being used and deceived. Listen to and trust that “little voice” in you. It’s there for a reason!
(USA) So…its been two days since I ended it. No contact. He is out of town with his wife visiting family for Thanksgiving. And now I’m feeling like I probably really hurt him and that I “misled” him and that I took him on such a roller coaster ride and made him crazy. In other words, I’m feeling like this was all my fault and that I am totally to blame. When I ended it, he just stood there, cold as ice, as I’m pouring out my heart. He just kept looking at me. I said, “Why don’t you say anything?” He said, “I’m afraid I’ll say something I’ll regret.”
What did that mean? He just completely shut down while I ranted for over an hour about how I had to do this, I had to stop this. Then, as I was leaving, I got out of my car and walked to him and he got out of his truck and walked to me and I completely broke down sobbing. And I hugged him and he basically just stood there, like a stone, so withdrawn into himself. Did I mention I believe him to be somewhat narcissistic? And, apparently this reaction is not that uncommon for someone like that. Based on some reading I’ve done and counseling I’ve had.
I did not once waiver in wanting to end it the other day, but I am now feeling like I am totally at fault for his pain and that I acted like an idiot. Help! Keep me focused here!
Hi Chrissy, I’m so sorry for your pain… I truly am. Almost nothing hurts as much as a broken heart. When you tie yourself to someone in this way, there is pain involved when you rip yourself apart from the attachment you had together. But I can’t help thinking that you are projecting YOUR pain upon this man. What YOU would feel if someone did this to you, is what I’m perceiving you are believing he is going through as well. From all you have written, and especially in saying that you believe he is narcissistic, I’m not thinking he is in the type of pain that you would be in if you were in his place. Someone who is as “cold as ice” while you are “pouring out” your heart to him… someone who just “stood there” — “withdrawn into HIMSELF”, doesn’t sound like he’s in the place of “pain” that you would be in if the tables were reversed. He may be, but I don’t think so.
I’m not saying that he didn’t care at all for you, but to invest more time in wondering how he is and the “pain” you believe he is in, seems like it would be better invested elsewhere — like in your relationship with your husband. And allow this man to make the investment in his wife and the family, as well. It would seem good to go on a prayer journey, in praying for you and your marriage and for your husband, asking God to show you how to lavish extravagant love upon your husband, who has given you amazing grace after finding out about this. Make it your mission to take your eyes off this man and what he may or may not be feeling, pray that God would help him to start being faithful to his wife and showing her the love he once pledged to her when he said his wedding vows, and look for ways to surprise your husband with random acts of kindness and love.
I also encourage you to read through the various postings, starting from the beginning, to learn the journey that many others have made. They talk about the addictiveness of having an affair and how it’s like trying to kick a very difficult habit (much as kicking an addiction to drugs, alcohol, and such) when you are trying to break free. This may help you to read what they have posted.
Chrissy, from all you have written I sense that you are a very caring, loving, and sensitive woman. I pray and encourage you to invest those wonderful energies into that which you will find in Philippians 4:8-9, that you can read about in the Bible. After reading it, you may gain strength to start down a better path again… I hope so. I’m sure you will struggle again, even so. Please keep reaching out here and other places that could possibly help you. Please know we care and are praying for you.
(S.AFRICA) Chrissy, never forget your affair with this man was wrong, please do not waiver now. The pain you are both feeling is the result. You BOTH went into this as adults and are EQUALLY to blame. Yes, you acted foolishly but with God’s forgiveness, move on and find happiness with your own husband and family. As this article says “Total Separation” means NO contact in any way ever again. Its over! You need to take a stand for what is right and that means being true to God and your marriage.
(USA) Wow. Thank you Cindy. I love that scripture and had actually “forgotten” all about it. I was “once” a Christian godly woman. I strayed…put other “gods” before me, such as this guy. I am meditating on that scripture. And I appreciated your words about the “pain”.
And I have learned that narcissistic people do not “feel the pain”. They just curl up, withdraw and run. And he will find another “supply”. Please keep talking to me… it helps so much.
P.S. Do you think he will contact me again? He seemed very “done” with me…because I won’t give him what he wants…???
Hi Chrissy, I’m so glad that you’re meditating on that scripture. It’s actually my “life” verse that the Lord gave me to continually live by. I truly believe it will help you to keep scripture before you — especially while you’re in this battle of the mind and heart. I encourage you to try to go a step further in starting a Bible journey with the Lord. Either find a study book that will be a companion piece to study scripture or find a Bible study you can attend to help you, or just start in the New Testament by reading a certain portion… a chapter or so a day and ask God to reveal Himself to you. Have a notebook with you when you study and write down the things the Lord impresses upon you as you read. Take your time. Don’t make this a race to read a certain amount by a certain time — the Lord may even impress upon you to read the same chapter several days in a row. You may also find it beneficial to find a Christian book that deals with growing in your walk as a woman. Most any Christian bookstore has a section dedicated for women. Go and see what the Lord shows you to read.
You may even consider journaling your thoughts. Write out your heart cries over the difficult journey you are now on in battling with your feelings over this man. But if you do that much, be careful not to show it to your husband. It may hurt him even more. Make this a journal something between you and the Lord.
I say all of this because as you try to somehow remove this man from your mind and life — which you definitely should, you will need to replace that void with something else and Someone else. If you don’t, that emptiness will keep “calling” to you, much as a growling stomach or an addiction habit when it doesn’t have its fix. Filling your mind with falling in love with the Lord again and your husband is truly the best path you could ever take. Obviously, the Lord is trying to get your attention. Why else would you have posted on this web site and such?
Years ago, I had to go through a battle of my mind to get someone else off my mind and heart. It was wrong to entertain the fantasies and I knew it because I knew it could lead to something else which would have been even more wrong. But it wasn’t an easy battle. I had to keep throwing out thoughts over and over and over again and replace them with other thoughts, until I thought it would never end. Eventually the thoughts came less often & then stopped. It took real perseverance though. But it sure was worth it. So I know you have a HUGE battle on your hands. But please keep fighting this. I’m praying for strength for you.
You ask if “he will contact” you again. I don’t honestly know. It depends upon how much he’s into his selfism stage and probably, it depends upon whether he can find another outlet to cheat on his marriage fast enough. He might also yearn for the way you make him feel better about himself because of the way you are. But whatever the case, you need to throw those thoughts out of your mind. If he doesn’t, then work on NOT wondering about it. It’s an “itch” that will keep plaguing you to scratch it and entertain it. If he does contact you, stand strong and don’t allow it.
Also, I urge you to find ways to enjoy your husband. Invest your time in being a blessing to him and to others who need it. This is especially a great time of year to work together with your husband to find ways to help others. If you work together on this, it will not only be an investment in them, but also in your marriage as you are doing this as a marital team. When I and/or we have done this, it’s stepped up our relationship to a new level. Plus, we have a “Romantic Ideas” section you might dip into to put more romance into your relationship. I don’t know if your husband is a romantic initiator or not, but don’t let that stop you if he isn’t. Look at it as a talent the Lord has given you to bring into your marriage. …I hope this helps.
(USA) Cindy, keep talking to me. You are helping me so much….will post more later. Don’t have time right now. But, I’m barely hanging…keeping looking at the phone and email to see if he’s contacted me. Hope he does…..and hope he doesn’t…..keep talking to me! My bible is open to Phillipians 4 on my nightstand; reading it several times a day. I am GRATEFUL today ….for this post site….God bless you all!
Hi Chrissy, Please know that what you are going through is very, very predictable and common. You truly need help to stand strong. I greatly urge you to find help. If you don’t, I’m afraid that you will give in and call this man and see him and go against all you believe and know you shouldn’t. You will also at that point be more of a doormat for him. You will show your weakness in not being able to stand up for what you know is right and will continue to be his puppet to do his bidding. You will also be betraying his wife and your husband, who doesn’t deserve to be betrayed.
I don’t know who you know who could help you to stand strong. If you have a good Christian friend — one who would help you to invest in your marriage, she would be the one to ask to help you — NEVER allow it to be someone of the opposite sex unless it is a counselor or a pastor who is marriage-friendly… YOUR marriage-friendly.
There are two ministries that I highly respect that might help you if you don’t have someone else (& maybe even if you do). The ministry of Hope and Healing which is run by Gary and Mona Shriver. Mona is a dear, dear person who reaches out and helps those who ask for her help. She’s lived through the infidelity situation. Even though it was her husband who had the affair, she is such a sensitive woman and very gracious that I believe you will gain a lot from what and who she knows that could help you, as well. I’ve sent others to her and she has corresponded back with them. I encourage you to contact her. You can find her contact information in the “Surviving Infidelity” section in the Links part of it.
Also, Nancy Anderson has a ministry that you can find in that same section. She has been in your spot before. She cheated on her husband with another man and almost lost her marriage, as a result. Nancy is also very personable. I’ve never met her (as I have Mona), but I’ve corresponded with her and she seems like she would also reach out to you to help you stand strong, despite your feeling weakened. Please, please, please try to reach out to get the help you need, such as with Mona and/or Nancy. I believe they can help you in ways that I wouldn’t be able to, because they’ve both been in the middle of infidelity situations, so they know how weakened one can be in this. Mona and her husband Gary may even know someone in your part of the country that may be able to help you (since they work with so many that are trying to rebuild their marriages).
Chrissy, how I hope you are able to turn your back on your temptation. And how I hope you are able to see that which is wrong and grievous with the relationship you have had with this man and will do everything you can to run the other way, no matter how tempted you are to contact him again. Your husband and your marriage and you are worth more than that. Please don’t allow yourself to stoop down and pick up the droppings this man leaves for you to grab onto as he goes about making his life work for him. Please center your attention on that which is “true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable… whatever is excellent or praiseworthy.” Please do what you can to run away from this temptation no matter how strong it is. May God help you in this.
(USA) Thank you Cindy. I had contact with the other man Sunday at our meetings that we always go to. He is in AA and I go to Alanon across the hall (my daughter is in recovery and doing well-praises!) He showed up on his motorcycle, which I have always told him I liked motorcycles. He “strategically” placed himself where we would be in contact. We sort of “made up”. I hate how I feel. Funny. He made no efforts to contact me while we were broken up, but the minute I opened the door, he was right there. He’ll play as long as I want to play. YUCK.
I am having trouble finding Nancy and Mona. Do you have the links? Any help is appreciated. Thank you… feeling like crap today, so stressed I can feel it in my chest.
Hi Chrissy, I’m so sorry that you put yourself in a place where you would “make up.” It’s important to guard your heart and not put yourself into places where you can be tempted. Since he knows about the meeting place, you need to strategize a plan so you won’t be as vulnerable… for example, there is safety in numbers. Don’t allow yourself to be alone with him, even in a hallway.
As for finding the contact numbers for Nancy and Mona, go into Surviving Infidelity Links and Resource Descriptions and you will find contact information for both of them. You will have to email them, at least at first, but that is a good first step.
I hope you are able to find a way to stand strong. What you are feeling is God tugging on your heart, letting His conviction be known. Please find a way so you don’t ignore His promptings. Eventually, you won’t feel them as much… but that will be a bad thing for you, not a merciful thing. God will only be ignored for so long. He loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life which does NOT include being with a married man. Please know that and keep seeking HIs way, rather than this man’s ways.
You must find a way to have no contact with him. If you see him, it doesn’t mean you have to entertain him with your undivided attention. That will be difficult, but important for victory!
(USA) Ugh. Still “dying” over here. I have been in contact with him. STUPID, STUPID, STUPID. Not getting me anywhere. As we speak, he is at a formal dinner affair with his WIFE (where I’m sure they are both dressed to the nines). Hmmmm, don’t think things are going to change anytime soon!
I bought the book by Nancy Anderson. I looked online for one of her retreats and there is one in our city the weekend of our 27th wedding anniversary. Wow….how did that happen??? I must “make the decision” to stay in my marraige. Hanging out to be his feel-good secret is making me crazy and killing me, emotionally, physically and spiritually.
And, you are right Cindy when you say “don’t allow yourself to stoop down and pick up the droppings this man leaves for you to grab onto as he goes about making his life work for him” and “You will also at that point be more of a doormat for him. You will show your weakness in not being able to stand up for what you know is right and will continue to be his puppet to do his bidding.” I feel very used.
He and his wife, I believe, are rocking along just fine. He’s in a new job (where I’m sure he’s getting attention, succeeding, the new guy, etc.) and he’s always with his wife on the weekends. I get “the droppings”.
So how and why did I allow myself to get into this? When I was growing up, I would have NEVER allowed a guy to use me. I would have NEVER done anything that would allow a guy to disrespect me.
What have I become? I am so very, very down. Yuck. I MUST look at myself differently and find the woman I was!
Please pray for me! And, am I right in that this man is using me? I’m finding myself wanting to “get revenge”. Oh help! I am not in a good place! Father, don’t leave me! Stay close; lift me up. Help!
(NEW ZEALAND) I feel badly for you. Falling for a married guy is the worst thing — especially when he plays on your weakness and your need to be loved. It’s really unfair. I say get revenge by growing out of your despair and being the best you can be. Thrive. “Living well the best revenge.” Eat well, read interesting books, meet new people. And look at it this way: at least you are not the one who has a cheater and a liar as a husband :) I’ll pray for us.
(USA) Lil222, I know you are trying to make Chrissy feel better, but I have to call you on one thing. Just because one is not married, that doesn’t mean they are not a cheater. After all, she knows this guy is married, yet she continues the relationship. I fail to see how that makes her any less of a cheater.
In any affair, there are two cheaters. Their marital status does not matter. Even if they are single, they are still betraying God. After all, God’s plan is for sex to be in the bounds of marriage, enjoyed only by two who are married one to another. Any other permutation or combination is cheating.
The sooner we stop trying to make one affair partner an innocent victim, and treat them the same way we treat the other partner, the sooner we can change how society looks at affairs. Affairs are sin, period, and it doesn’t matter if an affair partner is married or not; that person is betraying God, their affair partner and the spouse of their affair partner by continuing the affair.
There is nothing that cannot be forgiven. However, sin is indeed very ugly, and I encourage Chrissy to accept the reality of how ugly that sin is. Perhaps it will better motivate her to end the affair.
(NEW ZEALAND) Well — I’ve never cheated on a boyfriend of my ex husband (who did cheat on me many times until I decided the marriage was over and we separated when the children were 2 and 7) and we finally divorced after years. I always, always knew when he was with a woman –I could literally smell them and see them over the miles –it was weird. I also confronted these women and honestly, they seemed to be truly ‘in love’ with my husband. I was grateful they were around –honestly my marriage was so bad that the affairs were only an excuse to leave a really rotten situation. Regardless, I vowed NEVER to sleep with a married man because the betrayal and humilition was so sharp it almost killed me.
I raised my children alone without any support from anyone and I worked on a career. As a result I had not been with man for 10 years, and once my daughter went to college I began to date single or divorced men. After two dates they dumped me– I could not figure it out and it was awful. After two more years of loneliness and rejection I was a basket case, weeping for no reason in public, I was falling apart from lonliness from lack of affection. The only men who were interested in me were married guys. Well, I had to fight them off with a stick, one after the other — they made me sick. Finally I gave in to a most unlikey candiate. A short, fat, bald, guy who looks like a gaint baby. Now my ex husband was tall, thin and very handsome and intelligent –I didn’t care. I just needed sex so much and I asked my short, fat friend if he was married and if he messed around on his wife and he answered yes to both questions and before we knew it, we were in bed having great athletic sex and that (I thought that would have been that — a one night stand). I never gave him my name or any information and there was no further contact but that one enounter saved my life and I understand it saved his marriage.
A year later we met again at a convention (I thought for sure he would have brought his wife, but he said she never wanted to come along –which I thought was dangerous on her part) and picked up where we left off and then we exchanged names and talked a bit but mostly we just had sex. Now two years later we’ve had what is known as a romantic affair and spent many nights and days together and rendezvous in other cities. However, I always kept looking for a single man as a partner. Once again, no one seems interested so my affair with short guy escalted and when we were together all he ever talks about was his ungrateful, negligent, unemployed, insane wife.
Upon my further questioning it seems like their marriage is quite normal and actually very pleasant. She is a beautiful woman who has put up with his cheating and obesity induced poor health for years. So I sent him back to his wife even though I had truly fallen in love with him. Was it love? All I can say is that it was great and we helped each other out. He brought me back to life but my main worry and concern was for his wife and teenaged children. I did not want to break up his family and nor did he. So he finally emailed and said our relationship should only be professional. And my answer and my strength is my silence. It’s over and I will never respond to that email, because nothing more needs to be said.
It’s painful but cold turkey is the best way. We live in different cities and that helps. I think we both grew from our relationship and I wish him and his family much happiness. I also know that I deserve to love a man who can love me completly and without guilt.
My advice: If you are going to enter the trecherous world of affairs with married men know many things: 1. Eventually you will be hurt so brace yourself from the beginning –stay busy and be keep looking for an available guy. 2. Don’t take anything he says seriously –his actions prove he embodies dishonesty. 3. You will feel like the most desired skank on the face of the planet. 4. Know that for a short time you were the world, the temptress, the goddess to one man and cherish that knowledge during your free and indepedent years while his wife has to put up with his ‘ little’ ways. 5. Go for counselling.