You’d think that a wayward spouse would be aware of his or her weakness, and aware of the pain inflicted. And because of this awareness, he or she would be thoughtful enough to make every effort to avoid further contact with the lover. Instead, the wayward spouse often argues that the relationship was “only sexual.” Another argument this spouse gives is that it was “only emotional, but not sexual” or some other peculiar description. They say this to prove to the other spouse that continued contact with the lover would be okay.
Most betrayed spouses intuitively understand the danger and demand that all contact with a lover end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to the betrayed spouse.
Total Separation: The Right Way to End an Affair
In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children’s schooling, I recommend with all seriousness that there be a sudden and complete end to an affair. And I recommend extreme measures to ensure total separation for life from a former lover.
Several years ago, I owned and operated ten chemical dependency treatment clinics. At first, we used several different treatment strategies. For some, we tried to encourage moderation, and for others we tried to achieve total abstinence. Eventually, all of the counselors agreed that total abstinence was the only way to save drug or alcohol addicts from their self-destructive behavior.
Unless they completely abandoned the object of their addiction, the addiction usually returned. For these people, moderation was impossible. The conviction that their drug of choice was off-limits to them for life, helped end their cycle of addiction-treatment-addiction.
Total Separation Strategy
My strategy for ending an affair with total separation from the lover developed after my experience treating addicts. And, over the years, I’ve found my total-separation strategy to be very effective in ending affairs in a way that makes marital recovery possible. Without total separation, marital recovery is almost impossible.
An affair is a very powerful addiction. The craving to be with the lover can be so intense that objective reality doesn’t have much of a chance. Their spouse and children may be permanently injured by this cruel indulgence, but it doesn’t seem to matter. All that matters is spending more time with the lover. That makes it an addiction.
Affairs Are Addicting
Even the one-night stand may be an addiction. It may not be an addiction to a particular lover, but it may still be an addiction —to one-night stands. In affairs that have low emotional attachment, the addiction is often to the act of having sex itself, rather than to a particular lover.
The addiction to one-night stands can also grow from a need to be continually assured of one’s attractiveness. People who indulge in such practices want to feel that they can have anyone they want, even that person over there sitting at the bar. These people who need constant reassurance of their attractiveness must learn some other way to gain that assurance —a way that does not destroy their marriage.
The analogy between chemical addiction and an affair is striking. In both cases, the first step toward recovery is admitting that the addiction is self-destructive and harmful to those whom the addict cares for most —his or her family.
Suffering from Withdrawal
After recognizing the need to overcome the addiction, the next step is to suffer through the symptoms of withdrawal. Addicts are often admitted to a hospital or treatment program during the first few weeks of withdrawal. This is to ensure total separation from the addicting substance.
Abstain!
The way to overcome an addiction has been tried and proven. Addicts must abstain from the object of their addiction. Alcoholics, for example, must completely avoid contact with any alcoholic beverage to gain control over their addictive behavior. They must even avoid friends who drink occasionally in their presence. In addition, they must surround themselves with an alcohol-free environment. In the same way, when a wayward spouse separates from the lover, extraordinary precautions must be taken. They are to avoid all contact with the lover —for life.
Of course, my advice is not easy to implement. Many people who have had an affair try but fail to make a drastic and decisive break with their lover.
The above article is adapted from the book, Surviving an Affair
— ALSO —
To find further help on this issue, please read the two linked articles below. (Note: they are not Christian articles, but the information is very sound and is scripturally sound.)
• HOW TO PERMANENTLY END THE AFFAIR
• LETTING GO OF THE GRIEF, HEARTACHE, AND DISCOMFORT
— PLUS —
You will find below an additional linked article written by Dr Willard Harley Jr, to read, that you might find helpful:
• THE ADDICTIVE POWER OF AN AFFAIR
Filed under: Surviving Infidelity
(UNITED KINGDOM) Many of these debates cannot have a solution because every situation is different. Although much of the puritanical advice given by many is appealing, it so often fails to recognise the human condition and the many complex issues arisign from such. Certainly, many affairs are based on lying and deception but many are also an emotional call for help by one or both parties. Are there other solutions to this call? Sometimes yes but also no, as so many issues need to be reconciled. It is certainly something to be avoided but the reality of life is that such things will inevitably happen, even by those who were seeking to avoid it. Seeking to condemn and pass judgement is thus surely futile and, without a full understanding of each situation, wrong. Any analysis must therefore balance the strict moralistic stand against the practical realities of people’s lives, insecurities and relationships.
(USA) The human condition doesn’t negate the fact that what you call “puritanical advice” is the actual Word of God. God is clear, have sex with your spouse and ONLY your spouse. Failure to follow that advice creates the complex world of which you speak. The advice is not the problem, it’s humans who think they know better, or that it doesn’t apply, or that their situation is different.
I agree, we should show grace. With that aspect of your comment I can find no fault. However, offering cover for excuses does little to better the human condition. The most practical reality is God knows far more than we do, and we ignore or deny his rules at our peril.
(NEW ZEALAND) James — I like your balanced view. Human relationships are complex and having an affair with a married man is a catalyst for pain, but as you said starting an affair outside of marriage is often a cry for help and an act of desperation. I know from my experience I cannot stand in judgement of anyone.
(USA) We may not be able to stand in judgment of any person, suggesting that we are morally superior. However, to agree with God and his laws is not standing in judgment of any human, but standing with God. Sin is still sin, no matter how much folks want to intimidate folks from calling it what it is.
My problem is that you and James are coming across as if whatever pain and hurt you have, whatever brokenness you have, justifies or excuses the hurt you inflict upon the betrayed spouse. I don’t disagree that the unfaithful spouse may be crying for help. I simply suggest, and I believe it’s borne out by your comments, that an affair is both a wrong and totally inappropriate means to find the help.
As a betrayed spouse, I wonder why my unfaithful ex-wife couldn’t just come to me and say, “Tony, I’m not happy and I think I need some help.” The problem is, she never said anything even resembling such a statement. Even after I discovered her affair, I suggested we get some help to address what are obviously some major problems with the marriage. The problem was, she was unwilling to do so.
Therefore, I find it hard to excuse such behavior, especially when help is available and offered, and folks continue to offer one excuse after another why they or others who make similar decisions choose to ignore such help. It comes down to what one thinks God thinks about such behavior. It’s pretty clear his preferences are for those to have a sexual relationship with their spouse and ONLY their spouse.
So we can debate how we as humans are going to address that reality, but it doesn’t change the standard established by God. Ultimately, God will judge. We are all condemned unless we have accepted Christ as our Savior. However, being a Christian should not be viewed as fire insurance against eternal damnation.
God is willing to forgive sin, but in no way does that mean sin is OK, or that we should turn a blind eye to sin. Love sinners, as we are all sinners, yet still we are told we should hate sin. We read in Romans 12:9 “Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.”
Since sin is certainly evil, we are instructed to hate sin. Hating sin is NOT EVER being judgmental. God has already established the standard, and the instruction is clear, we are to hate what is evil. God is clear that he considers the deception associated with affairs and divorce to be evil.
Malachi 2:10-17 says” 10 “Do we not all have one father? Has not one God created us? Why do we deal treacherously each against his brother so as to profane the covenant of our fathers? 11″Judah has dealt treacherously, and an abomination has been committed in Israel and in Jerusalem; for Judah has profaned the sanctuary of the LORD which He loves and has married the daughter of a foreign god.
12″As for the man who does this, may the LORD cut off from the tents of Jacob everyone who awakes and answers, or who presents an offering to the LORD of hosts.
13″This is another thing you do: you cover the altar of the LORD with tears, with weeping and with groaning, because He no longer regards the offering or accepts it with favor from your hand. 14″Yet you say, ‘For what reason?’ Because the LORD has been a witness between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant.
15″But not one has done so who has a remnant of the Spirit. And what did that one do while he was seeking a godly offspring? Take heed then to your spirit, and let no one deal treacherously against the wife of your youth. 16″For I hate divorce,” says the LORD, the God of Israel, “and him who covers his garment with wrong,” says the LORD of hosts. “So take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously.”
17 You have wearied the LORD with your words Yet you say, “How have we wearied Him?” In that you say, “Everyone who does evil is good in the sight of the LORD, and He delights in them,” or, “Where is the God of justice?” ”
I can find no way reading that scripture that we are to consider an affair or divorce anything but an act of evil, and God is clear, we are to hate what is evil. God, the God everyone says is full of love, clearly hates this particular evil. So are we as humans supposed to soften our stand against evil acts?
Of course not. Grace to the sinner, but we steadfastly hate the evil act. If the sinner is unable to see that it’s the act that is hated, and that the most loving thing we can do is to entreat the sinner to turn from the sin, then that falls upon the soul of the unrepentant sinner. So I believe the most loving thing we can do, the most grace we can show is to make clear that certain behaviors are pure evil and entreat the sinner to turn from those behaviors and follow Christ.
(USA) I feel like I am looking at this with a lot less “fog”. Looking at it for what it really is/was. Wife No. 4… exactly. Yuck. When I would say to him, “You don’t want to be divorced for the third time, do you?”, he would just kind of sit there. He may have almost wanted me to end this. (He doesn’t do much of anything without being told. His wife always told him what to do, what to wear, what car to buy, etc.) It’s almost like he wanted to have me be “the goddess, the one he could never have, the perfect one, the love of his life. But, oh, woe was me. I can never have her”!
His mom abandoned him and his family when he was 14. I believe, thru some counseling I have done, that he has abandonment issues. I believe I was strung along, used. I allowed myself to “play that role” in his story. There were many red flags along the way. I recall how I felt when I found out that the tenant in his rental house that he bought “for me” is one of his wife’s office staff. Hm… But I also believe that he probably doesn’t think that this “relationship” with me was wrong. It’s just who he is. It was his story and I played the part well. It was working for him and it appears that he could live with having an affair. So, I got to be his “goddess” for a while and now his wife can have him back and put up with him.
So, the hard work begins. Why did I think it was okay to indulge in this behavior? Yuck. Why did I do that? To my husband, my daughters AND to myself. I was NOT okay with being in the affair. It made me crazy, pulled on my heart and my conscious. And the fear and anxiety was ten times worse after other man and I would be physical. And those were the days when the other man was on cloud nine and “showering” me with words of affection, praise and “love”! I feel I have taken years off my life with all the stress I have put on myself. And I take stress on in a physical way. I would wake up almost every morning thinking I was having a hot flash-it was panic, fear, anxiety. I DID NOT experience that this morning. Wow.
May I ask? Are my perceptions of this other man, i.e. using me, him never leaving his wife, etc… are those indeed correct? I think I hear you all telling me YES! As we all know, we get into such a fog in an affair. And, is it possible to love yourself again? To be ok? To have dignity? And, is it possible for a marraige to survive? and be even better?
(USA) Shoot. I in looking at my most recent post, I realize that I didn’t put the whole thing in my message. And I want to put this out there to you so you know more of the picture of what happened two days ago. I told him again sunday night, for the third try, that I am breaking up with him. I told him that I believe that he loves his wife and is not going to leave her. I wondered out loud about why he hadn’t left yet when he has no children or financial considerations to keep him with her. He looked so hurt that I would think that he “hadn’t done his part” in making it work for us to be together. I told him that was one of several factors, the others being my concern of breaking up my family, financial concerns and just not wanting to be in an affair because it was making me crazy.
We talked more, he was quiet, seemed hurt, cold, withdrawn, unfeeling. He took me to a very nice restaurant to eat, where I know he had been before with his wife. As we walked back to our cars, we started getting physical and it all happened very quickly. When he asked where do we go from here, I had to continue with the “breaking up” focus. I apologized for getting physical and in the same breath, wanting to still break up.
I received an email from him yesterday morning. He told me he was “beyond repair, 100% absolutely” heart broken. He told me that he “finally heard me last night” but that he wanted the night to go on forever. He said he is struggling with getting thru the day and feels pathetic and full of self pity and wants to be alone. He signed the email “Charlie Brown”
(USA) So why haven’t you changed your e-mail? New cell phone, disconnect the home phones until you can get your home number changed? If you want to break up you need to burn all the bridges he can cross, phones, e-mail, even where you live quite possibly. You could also tell his wife. That would put a lot of cold water on the affair.
If you no longer want the affair, burn the bridges, expose the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy and if you remove the bridges and expose the affair he’s far less likely to try to keep reeling you in.
This is why you don’t go to someone face to face to end an affair. That whole closure thing is simply a trap by the devil to keep you hooked to the affair drug. Send a letter, get a restraining order, tell his wife. If you really want no more contact, you can do it. It may take some effort, but it’s totally doable, once you decide you really want to do the right thing.
Frankly, I’d start by telling his wife. He’s a manipulator, why would you want to expose yourself to someone who attempts to keep you on a string like a puppet? Send him a final e-mail saying you are sorry he feels the way he does, and you no longer wish to be with someone who is willing to cheat on his wife and continues to try to manipulate you.
Then close your e-mail account or put his address in the spam filter so his e-mails get disposed of automatically, while you establish your new e-mail account. Tell your family and friends of your new contact information, but don’t let him know. Set up his phone number as a blocked number.
If you really really want to end this, you can. It’s simply a question of when are you going to really burn the bridges, really expose the affair to those who need to know and really change your contact info so he cannot keep trying to manipulate you.
(USA) Hello all, Hanging on here. Been 8 days of NC. I’m in the fog still, I’m sure. My husband wants to go to marriage counseling and wonders “where my head” is at. I want my marriage to work. I am feeling shame for the affair. I am feeling so scared… sick… shame… Wow, I really feel so very used by other man. He has not tried to contact me since we last saw one another when I again ended it. The ending was “romantic”, sexual, passionate. etc. But I believe that, in giving him attention and responding to him in the way he wanted (attention), I kept the affair alive. When I cease to give him the attention, he’s gone. His last email was all about him: how’s he’s “broken, full of self pity, can’t get thru the day, etc.” Don’t see anything in there asking about how I’m doing and he has not contacted me since. What to make of that?
One place we always hooked up was on Sunday nights when he would attend his AA meeting and I was in my Al-anon meeting across the hall. I DID NOT GO LAST SUNDAY!! Wow…big step for me. I feel I made a statement to the other man by not going there, presuming of course that he went. That was the place we made contact after my first attempt to end it about a month ago and the place where we sometimes even skipped our meetings to be with each other. (It was always his idea and I resented it, but I went along with it anyway. Stupid me.)
I have thrown away some, but not all, mementos. Getting close to getting rid of all of it though…I think. I am focusing more on my husband and working on improving my marriage. Something happened to me this morning. I had a minute before leaving work and I pulled out my journal of this “journey” with other man, which included all my notes from over 2 years of IC, where the focus has been mainly on the other man. I also pulled out Nancy Anderson’s book “Avoiding the Grass is Greener Syndrome”, which I flipped through first. And then I picked up my Bible and went to Psalm 51, then to Phillipians 4. I never looked in the journal about the other man. And I am “hit” with the glimpse of me and God’s will for me and who I used to be. And I am “hit” with the awfulness and shallowness of the affair.
I am wondering if I should send a final no contact email to other man, or just leave it as is. I do not intend to contact him again. I do not foresee him contacting me again, especially if he’s getting his strokes elsewhere, which I believe he is at his new job. Heard he was buying lattes for a gal at his new job; she’s single. He used to buy me lattes all the time. Hmmmmmmmmmm….
But I’ve also been advised that other man will probably contact me again over a period of time. I was told that “men like this always return to tread in familiar waters.”
I am wanting to go to church and talk to a priest and make a confession. Isn’t that the first step? I am really feeling so… alive, yet scared. Seeing things I didn’t see before. Coming out of some of my denial. It’s scary, hurts, but gives me a “frightened hope.” I appreciate your posts; they help me a lot.
(USA) I’d say you are on the right track, but take the job to completion. Look at the steps I mentioned above. No need for any sort of final no-contact e-mail. Throw all the stuff out today, change your number, change your e-mail, unfriend him on facebook or whatever takes. Burn the bridges and the mementos.
Confession is good. Let your family know too, so you can enlist them in keeping you on the right track.
Having a Godly woman as an accountability partner who won’t take any of the lame excuses typically offered by those having an affair is good too. It’s time to be “Sherman through Georgia” on this and declare total war on the affair. Attack and destroy anything that could possibly be used by the enemy to tempt you back into the affair, and enlist trusted lieutenants to keep you on the straight and narrow.
(USA) After two weeks of NC, he contacted me. He is off work this week, his wife is working. He called Monday, asked me to lunch. Hey, his wife is working so why not call me? I went. I met him there, crowded restaurant, open parking lot, no physical contact. He told me that he loved me, I was his soul mate, he respects me, apologized if he ever hurt me, told me I had “saved” him and accepted him for he is and made him feel OK about himself, thanked me for all I have done for him, told me I was “interwoven” in his life, I was beautiful, he had a rough Christmas because he missed me so much, he is choosing to be patient and wait for me, etc.
I feel used. I feel that he does believe all that he told me, but that he knows he will never leave his wife and he told me all that to keep me hooked. He will not leave because it looks good to be in that marriage-comfort, feeling of attachment, she makes him look good (trophy wife) and he makes her look good. (He makes good money, etc.)
I feel he contacted me a few days ago just to make sure he was “OK” in my eyes and to make sure that I would still believe his junk. It was all about him. He had to know he was OK and I fill that void for him; I make him feel OK. He has been sober 7 years and he told me that I accepted him for who he was and that he has “discovered” love in his sobriety because he has “found” me. Am I right on these perceptions? Would like to hear some opinions.
I have been coming clean with my husband and getting rid of the momentos from the other man and looking at myself. And what I see is that I seek attention and adoration from other men. And the kind of men that willingly give that, especially if married, are liars and cheaters. And, they too are seeking attention and adoration outside of their marriages. So, I got involved with a liar and a cheater. So what? What does that have to do with WHY I did that? I am wanting to look at THAT, not why the other man does this or that or says this or that?
But, with that being said, is the way I perceived his latest contact correct? And, I feel he will contact me again when he needs another stroke, especially if he does not hear from me. Should I be prepared for that? More contact from him?
(USA) I guess I have to ask why you’ve not taken the suggestions about AVOIDING any further contact? You are helping to perpetuate your own drama, instead of taking positive action to avoid any further drama. Why continue to offer advice if you are unwilling to follow through?
You know what has been suggested, yet you’ve still not done it. Your actions indicate you don’t want to avoid contact, because if you did, you would have burnt all the bridges and let his wife know what’s been going on. As long as you fail to take these steps, your actions are speaking louder than your words here.
Take action. You really don’t need to ask any more questions. Or if you do have questions, how about asking them of the older woman mentor that I and perhaps others have suggested you seek out to guide through this, so that your actions honor both God and the vows you took before Him and your husband.
Action, not words, not further questions are what will win the day.
(USA) I think it is really unintelligent how so many are blaming the other woman and not their husband. Sure, she was an accomplice, but the ultimate commitment broken was the husband to the wife. I also see a lot of wives stating that the men go back to their wives because they love them and never loved the other woman. I think you are fooling yourselves, and also incriminating your husband further when you say that. I think that the husbands are telling both women stories, and the truth is in the middle.
Statistics and studies show that men are less likely to leave marriages, EVEN if they are extremely unhappy. Some men cheat because they are weak. But a man who carries on an affair is not just weak, it is becoming emotional. Most men say they cheat because the other woman pays attention to them, and shows them respect and adoration, not for sex. That is just the easiest, most meaningless thing they can tell their wives.
I have stood on both sides of this no-win situation. And the pain you suffer does not come from God, it comes from not taking care of yourself, and allowing yourself to fall for someone who is not able to return the love – someone who is usually unhappy and love starved and not making good choices either. The truth is that most marriages end in divorce, and the majority of men cheat.
(USA) Hogwash on the majority of men cheat. If that’s the case, then since they are having affairs with women, the majority of women are also involved in affairs.
Remember, God’s law is that one doesn’t have sex with anyone other than their spouse. Therefore, the woman in the affair, married or not, is just as much a sinner as the man. Not better, not worse, exactly the same.
It’s time to end this treating men and women who are in affairs differently. Men and women are sinners. The Bible says “All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.” It doesn’t single out males, it says ALL.
As long as there are folks willing to sleep with people like my unfaithful ex-wife, there will be affairs. If men and women would commit to having sex only with their spouse, there will be no affairs. But you cannot blame one gender over another when both are equally represented in the affair market. Unless men are having affairs with other men, the blame is equally shared by both genders.
(USA) Well… it FINALLY ended!! My 8 month fantasy/nightmare finally came to a crashing halt 2 days ago! I already feel better. Do I miss my MW? Of course, but not even CLOSE to re-establishing contact. I also told my wife that this “friend” was no longer a part of my social circle. Although, me (22 year marriage) and she (5 year marriage) never had sex, lines were crossed. Too much sharing, too much sex talk, too much confiding. Worse thing was that headache and pain of separation. It was ridiculous! So much energy wasted on a dead end.
Of course I fell for all the usual bull. So close, we think alike, we are attracted… Don’t believe a word of it. I went back to mine, she went back to hers..No harm. No foul… BUT I did love her and she loved me. Affair ran it’s course and no casualties except my pride… How could I do it? Christmas week was horrible, obviously, and that’s when I decided this couldn’t continue.
To ALL of you out there considering even a short/long or physical/emotional affair… My advice..DON’T DO IT!!! Those love chemicals are strong stuff. I did and said things I never would have done if “sober” …Only plus side… What an education! I learned more in 8 months than in 47 years! I wish her nothing but the best… I’ll bet it’s my last affair, but I’m SURE she’ll be back a huntin’ before Spring…
(USA) Would be good to know what’s happening with Sara. She looked determined and has encouraged me to do the same.
(USA) I just ended a 6 month long affair with a army sergeant stationed in Japan. He was an ex boyfriend from college who has been contacting me over the course of the past 20 years. He would contact me every few years, to catch up mostly. I was not interested and never thought much of his phone calls. He is on his 3rd marriage and from what he says, there is no intimacy, separate bedrooms, hate filled arguments and he is very unfulfilled in this most recent marriage.
Unfortunately my marriage is in terrible shape as well at this time, so I was receptive to his advances. He got me pregnant in college and I decided to terminate the pregnancy before telling him (he was so irresponsible in college, always cheated). He used this pregnancy as one of his excuses to contact me now. He wanted to let me know that I was the one. He would have happily married me. He always wanted 3-5 kids with me, and still wanted to have children.
In one of our first conversations that we had, he asked me if I could still have children. Our conversations have gone on for 6 months, which included on line chats, thousands of e-mails, NSFW pictures, webcams and a plan to meet to have the child he says he always wanted with me. He told me no protection and not to go on anything and that this is what he wanted, and this would end both of our marriages. However, when I pressed him for his plans if I got pregnant. He had no plan. His plan as he told me was sex/love making first and then he would to talk about the future (in that order). I felt like he was trying to trap me into getting pregnant.
He has a son from his first marriage who he never sees and I could see myself in the same situation as his ex-wife. He always requested naked pictures of me so that he could masturbate and would leer at me like a dirty old man on the webcam. I am younger than his wife, much more attractive than his wife (by his admission) and always felt like I was on display for him like a trophy or something. Another red flag is that he never spoke well of his exes, so there is no real respect for women.
After 6 months, empty promises from him and a my declining self respect, I decided to end it with him. I gave him an ultimatum that I knew he could not live up to. He is in the army and that is his first love, period. He would not come back to the US to have a real relationship with me (only to have sex with me and get me pregnant). That would have destroyed my life as a single mother.
I am hurting because I did trust his words and put so much of my emotions into it. After I sent him a very nice e-mail cutting ties, I tried to send him another one (which was more nasty) and discovered that he already closed down his e-mail address. It is for the best but at the same time, this is the 3rd time that he has burned me and I need to stay strong so that it does not happen again. However, in the back of my mind, I feel like he will resurface again one day.
(AUSTRALIA) What’s with all the religious guilt mongering? This forum is aimed at helping people with their relationships/psychological problems, not making them feel guilty, inferior and bad about themselves. Shame on many of you for your responses! Big hug to the woman with the problem xoxox
(US) Thank you Rose! Some people on here are really hurting and looking for guidance and understanding. They don’t need to be constantly berated by bunch of repressed Christians.
(USA) Look. I am a married woman and have fallen for a married man. If you haven’t been in my shoes, you don’t understand. I have tried so hard to break it of with this man, but he is like an addiction to me. It’s a constant struggle. If you haven’t been in my shoes, you can’t possibly understand.
(UK) No one understands till they’ve been through it. It is an addiction. You will get through this. I just started looking at blogs about this, and it makes me feel kind of sick to see how many women, both the wives and the other women, have been victims of this. I hate it, and I still deal with it every day. Scary that we’re all speaking the same language, and it’s all PAIN. I hope you’re okay.
(USA) I agree, it is an addiction and is so hard to overcome. I have been seeing a counselor for the past 7 months (during the affair to try to handle everything and now after ending it to deal with the grief) and the counselor told me the calendar and the clock are my best friends. It takes time to get through, especially since our emotions were so invested in these relationships. He has no way of contacting me but I can still contact him. I desperately want to contact him again but I know if I do, I will lose even a bigger part of me. It is an everyday battle.
(USA) I hope you’re okay, and you’re not alone. Won’t get better till you cut the chord though. I do understand, and you’re not the bad guy. You wanted someone to love you, and that is not a sin.
(CANADA) Good Lord!! I cannot BELIEVE some of the comments I’m reading; that man having an affair is bad but if his wife has one it’s even worse cause the Bible says women should be SUBMISSIVE to their husbands? What century are you people living in? That is ignorance at it’s absolute BEST! REGARDLESS who does it, adultery is adultery.
@ Jackie: forget the backward opinions of the self-righteous ones on this board. Jesus himself told the crowd that those who were without sin could cast the stone. So there you go. Never mind them. You my dear, are most certainly NOT a whore. Perhaps a little naive or misguided, certainly confused. And yes, a lot of people got hurt. What’s important in all this is that you do what you must to survive this and especially LEARN from it in order to avoid similar errors in judgement in the future.
All you can do is deal with the pain and disappointment and move forward. Some are excellent con artists who know the right words to say at the right time when you’re at your lowest and most vulnerable. But most men aren’t that way. Surround yourself with good, positive people, stay busy, go out. Isolating yourself will do you no good as you’re bound to brood. A little bit of counseling might do wonders as well, as will prayers to the Almighty. Good luck, honey. Don’t give up – you’re on your way!
(AUSTRALIA) Hi, my situation is a little different. I am married and for the past 6 months have started texting and talking to my childhood sweetheart who is also married. There is no sexual affair; I will not cross that line while we are both married. I have made that point clear. We have loved each other going back to when I was 15 and he was 17. He is from a traditional family who doesn’t believe in divorce and arranged his marriage. I was heart broken when he married someone else. We never did anything in the 20 yrs that he was married and 15 yrs that I have been.
He saw me very upset 6 months ago at my sisters funeral. Seeing me like that had a big affect on him and that’s when he realized that I need him. He got my number from his sister (family is also friends with my family). He sent me a sympathy text and that’s how it all started. We had a connection talking about the past, how no matter how long has passed we have never stopped loving each other.
His sis found out we are talking. She sent me some nasty messages. I told her I stopped contact with him several times cause he has 5 kids aged between 19 yr to 2 yr old and I have three kids. But everytime I tried he said he would harm himself; he can’t live with out me and that we are just friends.
Long story short, we started talking about leaving our partners and getting together. That has been the plan. I haven’t let my husband get close to me for 6 months now. He is getting worried and asks what’s going on. My husband is a good man but there is no love like I have had all my life for my childhood love.
He recently had a big argument with his wife who left with the kids. He was extremely stressed because of his kids and he said that’s who he’s mainly concerned about and he said if his wife comes back it will never be the same between them. This made me angry as I said if he wants to separate then this is the best time (remember his family doesn’t believe in divorce). He is concerned about his reputation and mine as we have good names in our community but he says we are not random people falling in love now. We have loved each other all our lives. I have given him 1 week to work out what he wants and to only contact me if he wants me. If I don’t hear from him after the week, then it’s over.
This past 6 months has been an emotional roller coaster of guilty feelings, anxiousness, tears and laughter. It has been 2 days of no contact and I feel down and depressed. I check my phone every minute expecting him to contact me even though I asked him not to. I don’t believe he can go through separation because of his kids and family tradition. I just need the strength to get over him. I am lost in life. I don’t know what I want. Before this, I have never done anything behind my husband’s back.
(S.AFRICA) Dear LOST, That surely is an appropriate name. What game are your playing with the lives of all these children, his wife and your husband? Ten people getting hurt because of your selfish desires. Hopefully you married your husband in love and promised to remain faithful to him. After all you have three children. I ask you to fall on your knees and ask for God’s forgiveness. Let him get back with his wife and children where he belongs and leave him alone.