Above all else, guard your heart, for it affects everything you do. (Proverbs 4:23)
Kate found out her husband was having an affair the same week he asked her for a divorce —she didn’t see it coming. She told me, “My ‘gut’ was telling me that things weren’t quite right, but Bob had convinced me that I was just paranoid and insecure. I had no idea he was such a good liar. He talked me out of my suspicions.” So, what ARE some of the warning signs of infidelity?
I asked her, “Could you make a list of his unusual behaviors? New actions that weren’t necessarily bad just odd. But now, looking back, you see them as signs that he was having an affair?”
Here is Kate’s top-ten list:
1. About six months ago, he started working longer hours and having more “client dinners.”
2. When he was home, he would seem restless and often claim he had “work” to do, so he spent a lot of time in the den —with the door closed.
3. He started some new patterns that I thought were wonderful. He took the dog for long walks, and offered to run errands for me in the evenings. If I commented that I wished I had some cookies for the kids’ lunches, he’d say, “I’ll be happy to go to the store for you.” I found out later that he’d call his mistress on his cell phone while he was walking or running errands.
4. He gave me a goofy, silly card for my birthday instead of his usual romantic, sentimental one, and he only signed his name —not Love, Bob.
5. Our sex life lost its sizzle. On the rare occasions when we did make love, it felt awkwardly cold – just a physical act, not an emotional connection. I think he may have felt as if he was being unfaithful to his girlfriend by sleeping with me.
6. He started referring to a person at work named Pierce. He would tell me how funny and talented Pierce was. That was his mistress’s last name!
7. He started to skip desserts and be very careful about what he ate —he lost weight and started exercising.
8. He dyed his hair —to cover the gray. “She” is twelve years younger than he is.
9. He seemed more short-tempered. Things that didn’t usually bother him suddenly did. He was especially impatient with the children.
10. After I saw the way he reacted to “her” at a company party, I asked him if there was something between them, and he lied to my face. Looking back, I know he lied to me about credit card and cell phone bills, and that most of the new clients he’d been taking to dinner were not clients at all.
Kate summed it all up:
“I wish I’d been more alert. I just didn’t put all the pieces together until it was too late.”
When Secret Service agents guard the President, they continually scan the crowd. They’re looking for unusual movements or odd behaviors that may be an indication of danger. The agents have studied how innocent people usually behave, so they can spot a person who’s acting “guilty.” We can apply some of these lessons to guarding our marriages.
These are some of the warming signs of Infidelity:
1. Changing eating and sleeping patterns;
2. Wearing a different style of clothes;
3. Starting arguments or becoming very passive;
4. Working longer or different hours;
5. Pulling away from church and extended family;
6. Taking more showers than usual;
7. Comparing his or her spouse to other people;
8. Hiding credit card charges and cash withdrawals
9. Taking off his or her wedding ring.
10. Becoming secretive or defensive about phone calls and emails
You don’t need to be paranoid or to see things that aren’t there. I don’t recommend that you spy on your spouse —but if you need to, feel free. It would be wise, however, to be on guard.
Guard Yourself
Affairs begin in many ways and for many reasons, so we must be always on guard for the slightest hint of temptation. Because hints turn into flirtations, flirtations turn into attractions, attractions turn into affairs, and affairs turn into disasters. 1 Corinthians 10:13 says that God will always provide a way of escape, but we have to make a decision to run toward the door.
When you’re guarding your marriage, you’re not guarding just your spouse, but guarding yourself too. I rationalized my way into a boatload of trouble because I thought; “The rules don’t apply to me. I’ve been to Bible College, I’m smart, I have self-control, and I can stop before it gets too far.” All lies!
Office Infidelity
My affair began at work, so I’m an expert on workplace temptation. Once, the most common type of office infidelity was between male bosses and females who were lower-ranking employees, but that’s changed in the last ten years. With more and more women working, the most common office affair is between coworkers. The man I had my affair with (Jake) was not my boss; we were both sales reps —equals
My relationship with Jake started innocently. I noticed that we laughed at the same things, and he noticed that we liked similar music, so we started to sit together at lunch. We were just friends —until we weren’t.
Remembering…
I remember the first time we went out of the friendship zone and into the danger zone. We were sitting next to each other at a sales meeting when his leg brushed up against mine. I felt a spark at the contact point and was a bit disappointed when he pulled away. A few minutes later, he shifted slightly in his chair and his leg, from knee to thigh, pressed gently against mine. I liked it, and I didn’t pull away.
I should have. But because I didn’t, I sent him a signal that I was unguarded. We both began to look for excuses to be together. If I’d not responded to his flirtations, I would have avoided the biggest regret of my life.
Be on the Guard
Coworkers sometimes work on projects or solve problems together, and the resulting closeness can build teamwork —but it can also build a feeling of intimacy. If you feel an attraction to someone in your office, consider a transfer to a different department, a different position, or maybe you should quit. No job is more valuable than your marriage. I knew that I could not continue to work with Jake without being tempted, so I quit my job the same day I confessed my affair to my husband.
Be honest with yourself. If you’re dressing to please someone else or lingering in the parking lot hoping that person will ask you to lunch, stop now, before you’ve gone too far. If you’re in doubt as to what conduct is inappropriate, ask yourself, “Would I do this in front of my spouse?” And if you’re still not sure, ask yourself, ” Would I do it in front of the Lord?” (You are, you know.) Here’s a simple rule to keep you on the straight and narrow: If you’d have to hide it or lie about it —don’t do it!
Be Honest About Weaknesses
The key to growing effective guarding hedges is to be honest about your weaknesses, both as individuals and as a couple. Set up distinct boundaries and enforce them. If your spouse reminds you of the rules, don’t be defensive or point out your mate’s faults; accept his or her correction because it’s for the greater good of the marriage. Some of the most difficult phrases to say —you’re right and I’m sorry —can save your marriage —and your love.
When Secret Service agents guard the President, they regard the President’s life as more important than their own individual lives. Guard your marriages in the same way. You may be required to sacrifice part of your individual life —hobbies, profession, TV time, computer time, sports activities —to strengthen your marriage. If you’re both willing to make your marriage a priority, however, and guard it from internal and external dangers, your home will be a safe haven.
1 Thessalonians 4:3 says:
“It is God’s will that you should be holy; that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like those who do not know God.”
The above article was adapted from the book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome: How to Grow Affair Proof Hedges Around Your Marriage
Author Nancy Anderson and her husband Ron speak nationally to couples’ groups of all denominations. They share their message of hope and restoration with tenderness and humor. If you live in the United States and would like for them to speak with your group please contact them at www.RonAndNancyAnderson.com. You may also want to visit their blog at www.joyfulmarriage.blogspot.com.
Filed under: Emotional & Physical Affair
In my case my wife is the one I am having problems anything I say or do is not right or good enough and is getting overwhelming specially when she whispers, I hope he leaves, meaning me and she says I did not say that. How or what can, or should I do? Please help.
She might not be talking about you. The only way that you can know for sure is if you communicate more with your wife. Let her know how you feel about what is going on. Prove to her and show her that this is bugging you. When talking don’t yell at her, but rather talk as two adults should talk. She must love you if she is still with you. Don’t be scared to ask your wife questions. Tell her that you love her AND what the problem is because the problem will not get fixed if there is no communication between the two of you.
The woman sent me photographs from his phone of him and her. Her note read ” we have been dating for seven months now. He is playing you.” I responded, “obviously you are a scorned woman at this point”…I suppose he checked his phone and found out she had sent pics….his defense….I was just joking around with her, she is a friend of my families…..he even wanted me to write a note saying our relationship was over to see if she would respond again. Horrible experience, I am older than he and well situated in life….my situation spelled….he used me for his gain alone. Stupid me!
I have been angry and very abusive verbally. I have cheated and often spy on her phone. I may be insecure. We separated for 5 months; now we’re trying to make it work but now she doesn’t wear her wedding rings because she’s tired of giving them back and trying to see if I stop being insecure.
For me/us I believe she is in the early stages. She began criticizing me in public, withdraws from sex almost completely, spends hours on social media and forgets almost everything that has to do with us. We had plans to go out on a Friday night. It came and she tells me that she and her friends are going down to Atlantic City and I don’t need to wait up…I asked about our plans. She basically shrugged it off. I made a small scene about her putting her friends before me for the last time and she replies, “we’ll see about that.” She is smart and covers her tracks well. I asked who’s going to AC and she just gives me, “the girls;” I asked her to be more specific. She said “don’t worry about who I’m out with.” Red flag after red flag.
After many 20+ years of marriage I know when something’s up. At this point if she decided to check out then that’s that. I’m not gonna fight to change her mind. If she wants out she can have it. She came home Saturday afternoon and right to the shower and then bed. Red flags. She woke and tells me very little about her time. Seems that there is a 70’s disco theme bar there and she went there. I will talk to my buddies about if in fact their wives went down. I do know her crowd of women friends and their husbands quite well. You know your spouse and you know when they’re hiding things and she is hiding something. I wanted to check her clothes for fluid stains or the smell of cologne but she put her stuff right in the wash…another red flag. Her ring was still on but you’d think after taking our night and making it about her and her “friends” that she would feel something for me. She didn’t even ask about my night. So I will post as I figure out more.
It’s time to man up ànd tell her to get her act together; that you will not put up with it any longer. You deserve respect.
My husband put everyone before me. He never takes me out or anything. He talks about his male friends and when they call him my husband’s laughing so hard with them but never laughs with me; we just renewed our wedding vows in December of 2015. My husband never would make love to me when I come on to him. He shuts me down and tells me he isn’t a morning person. It has been a year prior to marriage that my husband has not touched me or made love to me. Now on our anniversary of December 13-2016 still no affection; we did not go out and I bought him a Michael Kor watch. He did not buy me anything for anniversary or my birthday and my marriage meant everything to me.
I have been a perfect wife to him washing his clothes, respecting him but no respect from him. He will leave out of the house and go somewhere and be gone Thursday through Sunday morning telling me he was at the casino. This is every Thursday since I’ve been back with him. I told him I was displeased with the way he disrespected me and I was hoping that he would understand and show some compassion but unfortunately he did not show any compassion or concern of my feelings. Now last Thursday he was supposed to get paid and he was supposed to give me $500 for Christmas shopping but unfortunately as I was taking my niece to the doctor he asked me where did he want me to put the money. His words were “I will give you $250. What do you expect me not to have money for myself on Christmas?” I had already went shopping and bought him several gifts he hadn’t bought me or his two children anything he said that he would give his boys something I said okay. Well returning back home from the doctor appointment with my niece I looked up on the dresser just see if he had placed the $250 there but it was no money there so I’ll call my husband but he did not answer his phone – went straight to his voicemail. I received a call about 15 minutes later and I said where is the money? You didn’t leave it where you said. It’s in my pocket I’ll be home shortly so I just assumed that he would come because I know he had to go to work. it was Thursday But unfortunately he never showed up and when I tried calling him it just went to his voicemail and I never got a response or answer. To this day I have not seen my husband. He has not come home; all his belongings are here at the house so I’m just hurt by his actions and the way he has treated me once again.
What can I do? People, I need your opinion and praying about it and also he did admit to me that he was taking cocaine maybe every 2 to 3 months. I’m beginning to think that my husband had got himself off as being gay because he’s always communicating with his men friends and spends the night at these males houses which make me feel like he is involved with guys and one day he’s MIA on me only to return home he had on one of his friends pants. I asked him are you telling me you’re wearing another man’s pants? I said if you wear another man pants you will wear another man’s underwear. I was just wondering if he’s gay. Please give me some information on this.
Well new years night, bringing in 2017 my husband of 35 years of marriage tells me at the dinner table in a restaurant that he needs to be alone and then putting his wedding ring in my hand and then he tells me he wants to date me. He wrote me a letter a while back that his feelings have changed. Still to this day his ring is still off, told me later that it gets hung on things while working and when I ask him why he won’t wear his ring, he will say something like, well I didn’t wear one for the first 10 years of our marriage; that’s because we could not afford to buy one. We got married young – he was 18 and I was 16, and he has been telling me things like, let him go, or don’t you think we have been married long enough. For about 2 to 3 months now he is clinging to his cell phone; he changed his password to his phone. When I asked him to let me in his phone he was really nervous and the person that I saw on his cell phone screen wasn’t in any of the text it was gone. He has been getting text messages from a woman at work, one just came from her about 8 pm last night. I asked him are you not going to look and see who it is? He said he would look later, so I looked and then said to him its your girlfriend, then he started naming women at work, but didn’t say her name.
He does not ever make the first move, I always have to make the first move when it comes to wanting to be loved. I asked him a few days ago are you still – In Love with me or do you just Love me. He would never answer that question. When I’m loving up on him and getting close to him he seams cold towards me. We have been sleeping separate and have our bedrooms for 2 years now, because he is not a sound sleeper and I snore a little too much but he also snores.
I just can’t understand not wanting to wear his ring all of the sudden and why he is being so secret with his phone. This is making me sick; can’t sleep. Only slept 3 hours last night and getting worse. My gut is telling me something is not right, I hope he can be man enough to tell me if he is cheating that is. I thought about spy ware and put a GPS tracking device on his truck or a hidden camera at his place of work, I would put spy ware on his cell but I cant get in it and he doesn’t leave it sitting alone for too long.