Above all else, guard your heart, for it affects everything you do. (Proverbs 4:23)
Kate found out her husband was having an affair the same week he asked her for a divorce —she didn’t see it coming. She told me, “My ‘gut’ was telling me that things weren’t quite right, but Bob had convinced me that I was just paranoid and insecure. I had no idea he was such a good liar. He talked me out of my suspicions.” So, what ARE some of the warning signs of infidelity?
I asked her, “Could you make a list of his unusual behaviors? New actions that weren’t necessarily bad just odd. But now, looking back, you see them as signs that he was having an affair?”
Here is Kate’s top-ten list:
1. About six months ago, he started working longer hours and having more “client dinners.”
2. When he was home, he would seem restless and often claim he had “work” to do, so he spent a lot of time in the den —with the door closed.
3. He started some new patterns that I thought were wonderful. He took the dog for long walks, and offered to run errands for me in the evenings. If I commented that I wished I had some cookies for the kids’ lunches, he’d say, “I’ll be happy to go to the store for you.” I found out later that he’d call his mistress on his cell phone while he was walking or running errands.
4. He gave me a goofy, silly card for my birthday instead of his usual romantic, sentimental one, and he only signed his name —not Love, Bob.
5. Our sex life lost its sizzle. On the rare occasions when we did make love, it felt awkwardly cold – just a physical act, not an emotional connection. I think he may have felt as if he was being unfaithful to his girlfriend by sleeping with me.
6. He started referring to a person at work named Pierce. He would tell me how funny and talented Pierce was. That was his mistress’s last name!
7. He started to skip desserts and be very careful about what he ate —he lost weight and started exercising.
8. He dyed his hair —to cover the gray. “She” is twelve years younger than he is.
9. He seemed more short-tempered. Things that didn’t usually bother him suddenly did. He was especially impatient with the children.
10. After I saw the way he reacted to “her” at a company party, I asked him if there was something between them, and he lied to my face. Looking back, I know he lied to me about credit card and cell phone bills, and that most of the new clients he’d been taking to dinner were not clients at all.
Kate summed it all up:
“I wish I’d been more alert. I just didn’t put all the pieces together until it was too late.”
When Secret Service agents guard the President, they continually scan the crowd. They’re looking for unusual movements or odd behaviors that may be an indication of danger. The agents have studied how innocent people usually behave, so they can spot a person who’s acting “guilty.” We can apply some of these lessons to guarding our marriages.
These are some of the warming signs of Infidelity:
1. Changing eating and sleeping patterns;
2. Wearing a different style of clothes;
3. Starting arguments or becoming very passive;
4. Working longer or different hours;
5. Pulling away from church and extended family;
6. Taking more showers than usual;
7. Comparing his or her spouse to other people;
8. Hiding credit card charges and cash withdrawals
9. Taking off his or her wedding ring.
10. Becoming secretive or defensive about phone calls and emails
You don’t need to be paranoid or to see things that aren’t there. I don’t recommend that you spy on your spouse —but if you need to, feel free. It would be wise, however, to be on guard.
Guard Yourself
Affairs begin in many ways and for many reasons, so we must be always on guard for the slightest hint of temptation. Because hints turn into flirtations, flirtations turn into attractions, attractions turn into affairs, and affairs turn into disasters. 1 Corinthians 10:13 says that God will always provide a way of escape, but we have to make a decision to run toward the door.
When you’re guarding your marriage, you’re not guarding just your spouse, but guarding yourself too. I rationalized my way into a boatload of trouble because I thought; “The rules don’t apply to me. I’ve been to Bible College, I’m smart, I have self-control, and I can stop before it gets too far.” All lies!
Office Infidelity
My affair began at work, so I’m an expert on workplace temptation. Once, the most common type of office infidelity was between male bosses and females who were lower-ranking employees, but that’s changed in the last ten years. With more and more women working, the most common office affair is between coworkers. The man I had my affair with (Jake) was not my boss; we were both sales reps —equals
My relationship with Jake started innocently. I noticed that we laughed at the same things, and he noticed that we liked similar music, so we started to sit together at lunch. We were just friends —until we weren’t.
Remembering…
I remember the first time we went out of the friendship zone and into the danger zone. We were sitting next to each other at a sales meeting when his leg brushed up against mine. I felt a spark at the contact point and was a bit disappointed when he pulled away. A few minutes later, he shifted slightly in his chair and his leg, from knee to thigh, pressed gently against mine. I liked it, and I didn’t pull away.
I should have. But because I didn’t, I sent him a signal that I was unguarded. We both began to look for excuses to be together. If I’d not responded to his flirtations, I would have avoided the biggest regret of my life.
Be on the Guard
Coworkers sometimes work on projects or solve problems together, and the resulting closeness can build teamwork —but it can also build a feeling of intimacy. If you feel an attraction to someone in your office, consider a transfer to a different department, a different position, or maybe you should quit. No job is more valuable than your marriage. I knew that I could not continue to work with Jake without being tempted, so I quit my job the same day I confessed my affair to my husband.
Be honest with yourself. If you’re dressing to please someone else or lingering in the parking lot hoping that person will ask you to lunch, stop now, before you’ve gone too far. If you’re in doubt as to what conduct is inappropriate, ask yourself, “Would I do this in front of my spouse?” And if you’re still not sure, ask yourself, ” Would I do it in front of the Lord?” (You are, you know.) Here’s a simple rule to keep you on the straight and narrow: If you’d have to hide it or lie about it —don’t do it!
Be Honest About Weaknesses
The key to growing effective guarding hedges is to be honest about your weaknesses, both as individuals and as a couple. Set up distinct boundaries and enforce them. If your spouse reminds you of the rules, don’t be defensive or point out your mate’s faults; accept his or her correction because it’s for the greater good of the marriage. Some of the most difficult phrases to say —you’re right and I’m sorry —can save your marriage —and your love.
When Secret Service agents guard the President, they regard the President’s life as more important than their own individual lives. Guard your marriages in the same way. You may be required to sacrifice part of your individual life —hobbies, profession, TV time, computer time, sports activities —to strengthen your marriage. If you’re both willing to make your marriage a priority, however, and guard it from internal and external dangers, your home will be a safe haven.
1 Thessalonians 4:3 says:
“It is God’s will that you should be holy; that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like those who do not know God.”
The above article was adapted from the book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome: How to Grow Affair Proof Hedges Around Your Marriage
Author Nancy Anderson and her husband Ron speak nationally to couples’ groups of all denominations. They share their message of hope and restoration with tenderness and humor. If you live in the United States and would like for them to speak with your group please contact them at www.RonAndNancyAnderson.com. You may also want to visit their blog at www.joyfulmarriage.blogspot.com.
Filed under: Emotional & Physical Affair
Dear God, Please give me strength, hope, clear mind and courage. My husband came back home for now 8 months after 1 1/2 years of being separated and now divorced. I happened to look through his cell phone and saw he called his ex girlfriend and coworker on a Sunday when he was supposed to be working. He asked me, why I am looking through his cell phone and I ask why are you calling her? He said he cannot discuss that with me. I told him he has no respect for me; I’m his women for 20 years and we have two kids together. He acted like he didn’t even care.
He told me that I has been telling me he wants to see other women. God, I feel he wants to be with his ex, which is his co-worker. I told him to leave the house today. Lord, I can’t take it anymore, his infidelity, his lying to me and the boys. I have tried and am being patient. He has a drinking problem. This is not the first time I saw her number on his phone. Lord, I am praying to you over and over again. Let this man change for the better. I am so tired of being hurt and crying. Help me God! Take away SATAN, his co-worker and other women from his mind. Make him a family man again. In the name of the father and Holy Spirit. AMEN!
So sorry about your situation. I’m going through same thing. He has been having an affair with his co worker. I’m tired and exhausted. I’m asking to GOD almighty to help me… Not just that he is talking with others too. I can’t any more. I’m asking him to leave the house.
Hi everyone, My son acquired my husband’s old phone because he got a new one. My husband had been texting the woman he hired & in those emails are him asking her to play golf! Apparently they did go golfing because he was video taping her as she golfed. A little further downin the text she tells him no more golfing or dinner that she wants to keep this professional.
I confronted him with the discovery and he didn’t want to talk about it! Not even to say it was just innocent we went as friends or anything! I did text her and she said she told him “no she didn’t want to see him outside of work anymore;” she felt it wasn’t professional and she did say he kept persisting but turned him down everytime! I do believe he had different intentions. She ended up quitting! Even if he apologized a hundred times I will never be able to trust him. His female worker was very nice and was very honest with me which I appreciate and I believe her when she said there was never any relationship. I believe she quit because my husband probably made other advances which made her feel uncomfortable. She said that she would answer any questions that I had…
We had been married for several decades. I always thought my husband was the epitome of the perfect husband. He was very handsome, very funny, very well respected, very successful, a very good father, and I thought a very good husband. Then my whole world started to crumble… during the last seveal years he changed. Slowly I noticed lots of things were not quite right. At first I put it down to the fact I had been diagnosed with a progressive incurable illness as well as a brain tumour…and at first I thought I was so lucky he was so caring, thoughtful and loving.
That didn’t last long and soon he was off on overseas trips saying he needed a break… and each time he returned he was more moody, short tempered, and asked me to leave the bedroom, didn’t want to spend time with me. I gave him opportunities to leave but he refused.
One day two years ago he took his life, shattering me beyond description. I smelled a rat, and began my own investigations. It turns out he was in multiple relationships with others, male or female, I don’t know, but certainly I know one was an ex colleague of mine. How could I have been so blind? I can’t believe I was so stupid.
So here’s a situation, where one thinks that you know someone after 40 years, the answer is you never know anyone 100%. I regard his act as the ultimate selfish act, just because he could no longer maintain or sustain his lifestyle he ended it, thereby just setting me off on a lifetime of pain and profound sadness. I feel totally abandoned, bereft and could never trust anyone again. The weird thing was the last thing he said to me was that I was too good for him and that he didn’t deserve me. He was dead right there.
I’m so, so sorry for your tremendous pain, Sorrowful. All of this is so difficult to understand. But trust me when I say, the fact that he was so good at concealing his cheating doesn’t make you stupid. Why would you think he was capable of what he did? Your heart was involved in pure trust; his was involved in grabbing onto what he wanted when he wanted it. He was captive to his own cravings and lust. What a horrible place to be, and what a horrible place it puts others who loved him after all is brought to the light of day.
Please know that my heart is with you and my prayers go up for you that somehow God will bring you to the place where the pain lessens and lessens, as you grieve this out and process all that was dumped upon you. I also pray that eventually you are able to see pin points of light and hope entering your life every day. May God minister to your heart, as you lean upon Him. “The LORD is near to all who call on Him, to all who call on Him in truth.” (Psalm 145:18) “Even in the darkness light dawns for the upright.” (Psalm 112:4)
My husband had an affair for for months in 1996. The affair was with my best friend. Both of us are Christ followers with 3 children. We decided to stay in the marriage, and most of the issues have worked out over time. We moved to another state, everything started over.
Sounds like it should be fine right? I still have such periods of depression and mistrust. You hear people say once a cheater always a cheater and you think, am I living a lie and this is going on around me? When the affair has been between your husband and best friend, every single trust is thrown out the window. I’m suspicious of all women and determined not to reveal anything about myself to them because they’ll hurt you. I want someone to respond that is this far, 19 years from the affair and how they’re doing.
I have been with my husband for 15 years now married 5 years. From the beginning I found out he was cheating with his ex while I was pregnant with our 1st son. Than I fount a video tape of him having sex with someone while I was away at college with my video camera I let him use back in 2003. Years later I would find out he’s cheating again. When things are good with us it’s great; we are like glue always stuck to each other. For months things are perfect then out of the blue I started noticing changes, like now he has something to do without me or he wants to start going out again just to hang out with the guys.
Once we got married things were good for a while until we decided to have a nother child and after 7 years I got pregnant again 2012, 2013 and 2014. Yes, I was pregnant for the past 3 years after going from having just one child now we have 4 and each time the pregnancy was horrible. He cheated the whole time. Things have gotten better but just the other day he went out and didn’t come home till 310 am. I called him over 32 times at 11am but no answer. He came home drunk. The next day he tried talking to me to make up for what he had done. However I didn’t want to talk so at 8 pm he left and didn’t tell me where he was going and came home at 410am. I feel like how much do I have to take? We should be past all of this; we are now in our 30’s.
I have been really reading the Bible lately I started in January an I am already almost in the new testament. We pray together and do everything together but right now I can’t even look at him. I hate him so much at this point but also love him a lot. I just dont know what to do anymore. I went from when I met him in college studying computer science to now going to work and back home. And he leaves whenever he gets ready to. I am trying to be strong. I’ve been thinking about divorce and leaving but now I have 4 children – all really little and it’s not just me anymore. I am so sad and lonely and I don’t want anyone else. I have never cheated just last week someone asked me out an i declined. I just really don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to get older living like this, I don’t want our 3 sons to think this behavior is acceptable and I don’t want our daughter to think this is how a man teats you. But they love their dad and he is a excellent dad. I know it would be stupid to stay and just know that the affair he is having won’t last long and wait it out. There are always so many; it’s not ever just one women when he starts is alot he talks to at once. He even told he about a threesome he had right before he decided to stop doing whey he was doing in my 3 pregnancy. I know I must seam really dum but no one knows what would do until your actually in the situation, I never thought I would take all that I have.i guess my question is do i Stay an wait for it to get better are struggle with 4 children on my own?
It 5:10 a.m. and my husband just came in an hour ago. I have been asking him to be mindful of me and our marriage to no avail. I don’t want to pass judgement, but recently a woman told me they had gone out to eat several times; he flipped out on me I can’t shake the feeling and I am a godly woman so I’ve tried putting it behind me but it is eating at me daily. Please help; I don’t like how I’m feeling – internally crushed.
I will be praying for you Mary. Been through much the same. Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal truth.. He always will. I pray you find someone you trust to speak with also. For me it was shocking and very lonely to deal with this. These men get into a deep dark fog when engaging in immoral ungodly behaviors- they don’t think of the ripple effects or pain they are causing.
Do not listen to any blame shifting, or comments that find fault with you!! That is just a way he rationalizes n excuses his behavior. Even if you are not listening to it – keep worship playing 24/7. I’ll keep you in my prayers asking His angels to comfort and minister to you, as you go through this season. May your husband’s eyes be open and his spirit receive conviction of sin – may he respond with desire to repent.
I can relate to how you feel; my husband and I have been married for 6 years (happily so…) this September. I knew something was going on but I couldn’t accuse him. I recently accessed info on his phone that was very disturbing. I was shocked torn and broken. I confronted him that night, but his anger was more focused on the fact that I got his phone information. Up to now… 2 days later he hasn’t denied nor acknowledged to anything that I said, and is rather normal around the house as if NOTHING happened!!
I need help with my life and boyfriend of 9 years. I just don’t know. If you have time I’m not good with web.
Cj, It’s difficult for us to help you with your boyfriend. We deal with marriage issues (and have our hands more than full with that). But there is a GREAT ministry, which helps those who are single. I highly encourage you to go to their web site at http://www.boundless.org. If you can’t find what you are looking for within the helpful articles and blogs they have posted, they also have contact info posted. Please pray and look to see what you can find in answer to your questions. I hope and pray you will be lead to the best of advice and Truth. :)
I want my marriage to work. My wife is a college recruiter and gets a great deal of texts from potential students. These texts come in after work hours and I’m not sure that it’s appropriate. I checked the cell bill and there were quite a few calls/texts from these odd #’s. She says that it’s part of her job however, I’m not sure if I buy it. This subject has been harming our marriage for weeks. What should I do to solve this issue?
It touched my heart to read this. I’ve been married for 4 months now. We stayed for 2 years in a relationship. Looking back now I can not say it was a happy relationship. He lied to me so many times and I found out the truth many times regarding his relationship with other girls. He is 11 years older than me. Every time I asked him he knows how to lie to me. Before a year into the relationship he cheated on me but I couldn’t confront him fearing I would lose him. I thought he will get better after we get married but I found his recent messages with the lady he cheated with and now am so confused. I used to love him truly but now all the love and trust is gone. We go to church every Sunday and seeing him serving at church and remembering his cheating confuses me. Whenever he sees another woman at church he gives no attention to me. I am really suffering right now. I start feeling marrying him was not a right decision.
My husband had an affair with my sons mother in law. He starting going to the doctor she works for, for a weight loss program. Her husband was accusing her and my husband of meeting and texting and calling in secret. They used my grandson as an excuse to call each other. I found out that they text each other 40 to 50 times a day. My son was also suspicious of their relationship, it was overly flirtatious and overly friendly. When I look back I see all the signs. Since they were both exposed I see my husband with a regretful attitude, like saying if I had been nicer and more loving, this would not have happened. Now he was saying 31 years of marriage was a misery. He portrays that they had only an emotional relationship not sexual but looking back he had told me he was not going to seek me anymore. Too many lies between them, I’ve discovered. Sometimes I feel he is not ready to give up the situation even though she is married and according to him her husband is the biggest jerk, from what she tells him. He has been nice to to me but not very talkative. Going to church, but I feel sometimes he I trying to portray he did not do anything wrong. That she is family and a good friend but they were lying and now meeting in secret. My question is, I cannot keep track of what he does but when he has an appointment were she works, should I go with him? He asked me not to because last time I just showed up to be the supportive wife for his appointment and to stand up for my marriage to let her know this is my husband. He was very uncomfortable and she did not like it. I don’t know if they are still talking or doing things in secret. I want to have faith and trust but not sure, need advice, please. Should I go to doctors appointment and why is it he does not want me to go?
I’m not having an affair but I truly believe my wife is about to. We’ve been married almost 29 years and I’m very good to her. She gets me totally. I give her attention, affection, we’re intimate and spend countless hours together. But she likes to drink. She has a core of friends that she goes away with and I’m leaning towards thinking she meets someone while away. She’s away now and for the last 4 days. I’ve received only 1 call and it was 1 min 29 seconds in length. I see posts and photos of her and her friends but there is a strange guy in almost all of the photos. The photos are taken at various locations in the keys but he’s in almost every one.
When she drinks she’s very flirty and very open, touchy and feely if you know what I mean. She allows men to approach her as if she were single and this kills me. She slow dances with any man who asks. I’ve seen it and I’ve called her out several times on it. Her actions don’t seem to parallel her words. Down in AC with her friends she disappeared for 6 hours and cannot account for her whereabouts. Her drinking and activity make me insecure and I try to explain how her doing this is destroying the foundation of our marriage. She says “I’m just having fun”. I try to explain how her couple of hours of fun hurts me constantly.
She said last night on a text that’s she’s going to bed early (Sunday, 10:30pm) so I go online this am and see her posts of them partying and it’s 5 a.m. She’s basically telling me that she has no time for me. I think I’m done being hurt and I’m going to serve her with papers. I took my wedding band off yesterday for the first time in many years. Any suggestions? She’s due home Wednesday.
George, I’m so sorry you are going through what you are going through. But don’t rush and get the paperwork yet; sounds like your wife is an alcoholic and she needs help. If her marriage is important to her and she loves you, she will get the help she needs with your support. So, when she gets back, try and tell her concerns. Let God do his work, don’t lose faith, our God is with you. He lead you in the direction you need go in. May God be with you.
What if my Christian husband goes to the bar every night even though he knows it causes problems?
Can you talk to your pastor about this, asking for advice?
Our marriage has just reached one and a half years. And we have a beautiful baby boy. As the time passes I started getting the feeling of insecurities. We are having arguments almost 4 to 5 days a week. And I don’t think it’s healthy. Most probably we argue about nothing but in small things, which are not so serious topic. And I feel changes in my husband’s actions. He is working in another country so it’s getting difficult for me to understand what’s really wrong with him. Can you suggest me how to know the problems and its solutions?
How are you arguing 4-5 days a week if he’s working in another country? Are you arguing over the phone or Skype? If so, why are you and your husband picking petty fights with each other instead of valuing the time you CAN spend together? Pick your battles Keren. If he’s picking the fights, don’t engage… work on finding things you can affirm him rather than allowing petty arguing to go on. Why would he want to come home to someone who is a source of contention for him? Find ways to change the subjects to positive ones. Evade the fights… particularly since you say they aren’t on “serious topics.” Build good thoughts and memories together, rather than picking each other apart.
On your wedding day, you have promised each other to love each other for life and you also have a baby boy to consider. You want to build a peaceful life together for him, rather than one full where his mom and dad are picking each other apart. Eventually things will fall apart if you don’t change the direction of how you treat each other. Ask God to show you how you can be the hero here and work to save your marriage and the peace that should be in your marriage. I pray God gives you wisdom.
I don’t normally comment; however, in this instance I felt compelled to do so. In your (C. wright) response to K from Nepal, I felt your comment ” Why would he want to come home to someone who is a source of contention for him” was somewhat unsympathetic and odd. The Lord says we must respect one another – He does not say to allow disrespectful and unwarranted bullying from our spouses. Perhaps the baby she mentioned is quite young and her hormones have yet to return to normal making her somewhat more sensitive than usual…..perhaps her husband is being overly critical or aggressive….there wasn’t enough information provided to warrant an unsympathetic and somewhat accusatory comment such as the one above. I thought this sight is supposed to be supportive and godly – pointing fingers or suggesting blame is not godly behaviour, nor is it helpful or supportive.
Dear Lord, I offer you this prayer, to help me Suzanne and my husband Juan with my current relationship situation. Please take away all the pain and hurt in my heart. Fill it with love, joy, patience, and understanding. Bless me and my husband Juan, so that we may never surrender to whatever challenges that come our way. Fill our hearts with love for each other, and may you make each one of us realize each other’s worth. Please touch the heart of me of my husband Juan and fill it with much love for me. Make our complicated relationship become uncomplicated. I seek for your mercy and blessing that you may allow us to spend the rest of our lives with each other. Please make this feeling mutual for both of us. Lead us not into temptations. Guide us wherever we go. Always put us in each other’s heart and mind.
Lord Jesus please let my husband realize that Jennie, the lady he is having the affair with, is using him. Please open his eyes, mind, body and soul and let him leave her for good and come back home. Please let him have a sign every time he tries to call, see, or text her. Let him see a sign to leave and go home. Please give him the strength not to answer her calls, texts or go see her. Go into his heart and tell him what he is doing is wrong and he needs to go back home to his family. They love him and forgive him for his adultery and mistake.
Please Lord Jesus, I ask this prayer in your name. Please Lord I need a miracle from you now. I asked in the name of Jesus to let Jennie, the lady my husband is seeing, leave him and go back to her boyfriend. Please give my husband the strength not to turn back to her and her the strength not to go look or call or text my husband any more. Please I asked in your holy, precious name Jesus Christ. Thank you Lord for hearing my prayer. I love you, Amen.
He will hear your prayers, Suzanne. Your husband is very fortunate with you.
WP (Work in Progress)
I found out that my husband of 32 years cheated on me 6 year’s ago. There was no sign of a him being a cheater. He comes home from on work on time; he will tell me “I love you” every day, that I make he very happy and that he was so lucky to have a wonderful wife. And now he doesn’t. He doesn’t Want to lose me and that it was a mistake and that he will never do that again. So, I gave him a chance to work on our relationship. Then last year I found out that he lied to me again. It is sad that he lies to me. In two days it will be our 39th wedding anniversary, and today we got into in a fight because he keeps calling her name when he is sleeping. I’m starting to wonder if he’s cheating again.
Hi Tia, From what you say here, it sounds like it is very possible that your husband is cheating again. As a husband married 36 years and after having had on-line emotional relationships now ended 11 months ago, I can say that these relationships are very hard to break. When I was faced with the real hurt being caused here, and the looming possibility of wrecking my family, it was then possible for me to change direction. Is your husband truly aware that he could lose you? Or is he convinced that he can continue what he’s doing without any real risk? What is your position at this time?
I hope and pray for a positive outcome here…and that you have a special anniversary day tomorrow.
WP (Work in Progress)
I’m asking for prayers. My husband has a former female coworker that I have asked him in the past to take a step back and put up boundaries but it didn’t happen. He has not had an affair but I discovered tonight that he has been talking to her on almost a daily basis and he’s been laid off for 3 weeks. He swears they are just friends but yet they flirt through text and he only talks to her when I’m not around. I want to believe him when he tells me he’s going to cut her out of his life but this only came after 2 hours of me fighting him, begging him to see what his actions were doing to our marriage and him telling me I was overreacting and I’m crazy. I love this man and I know it can work. I’m asking for prayers that we can both find God again in our marriage and get past this “other” woman.