How do you know your marriage is in crisis? That’s a good question! It’s one that you might think you have the answer to, but not necessarily. But there are warning signs when a marriage is in crisis.
We all know that every marriage goes through seasons of busyness, and stress. There can be illnesses/accidents, a child in difficulty or danger, job instability or loss. There also can be housing problems or loss, financial disaster, illness or death of a child or family member, natural disaster, and the list goes on.
During these times, your marriage may seem like it’s under attack. (It very well could be.) But it may be that the attack is subtler in its approach. You may not even realize the imminent danger until it appears to be too late.
So, to help you recognize the warning signs that a marriage is in crisis, whether the attack is evident or subtle, we have put together a list that should not be ignored. It’s meant to be your wake up call to treat the threat with urgency and intentionality if you note that any of these critical points is threatening your marriage. Please be forewarned that this is a time to make some important changes or a catastrophe is a very real possibility.
Warning Signs:
- When needs are being neglected and you (or your spouse) are running on empty emotionally, be on the alert. Also, when more negatives are seen in the relationship than positives, something needs to change in some way (either in attitude, actions or both) or a marriage crisis will follow.
- When you or your spouse (or both of you) are treating the other with contempt and disrespect, watch out! If this type of behavior is becoming the “norm” in your marriage and it’s as if the other “can’t do anything right” any longer, your marriage is in serious trouble.
Keep in mind: “Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Jesus Christ.” (Philippians 1:27)
- When trust is a continual issue, there is need for alarm. Trust is foundational for the marriage to survive. It CAN be rebuilt again, but it will take effort. Either building trust needs to be in the works so it is on the rise, or your relationship is in danger of completely collapsing.
ALSO:
- When open war is going on in your relationship —either behind closed doors or in public, you are at a critical point in your marriage. Your marriage cannot hold up under continual assault. Sometimes, the best you can do is to make sure you do your part in not contributing to verbal assault.
“Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.” (1 Peter 3:9) That does not mean that you cannot “speak the truth in love” to your spouse. But you need to stop your part in insulting and assaulting.
- Where there is abuse of any form, it puts the marriage into crisis. Abuse is a very complicated and critical situation. There is no “one size fits all” advice that can be given (especially considering that this is an international ministry where one’s culture can complicate matters). We refer you to the Abuse in Marriage topic of this web site to find ways to protect yourself, or to find methods to stop being the abusive partner.
- If your children start acting up as stress builds up in your relationship, your marriage is in a critical stage.
Realize:
“An indicator involves your children. Their behavior can often provide a barometer of what is occurring inside a home. You and your spouse may believe that the current level of interaction and health in your marriage is okay. You may think that’s just the way it will be. But your children may sense that something is wrong and needs to change” (from Focusonthefamily.com article “Indications Your Marriage Needs Help“). Do whatever is necessary to model healthy conflict resolution before your children and bring peace into their and your lives and hearts.
If your relatives/friends start telling you that they notice problems, take note. It’s an important time to get good help. We say “good” help, because often, spouses will look for cheap help, or will keep doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. That’s insanity! If you can’t build relationship bridges between you and your spouse without obtaining outside help, then don’t delay in seeking “marriage friendly” help. And don’t cheap out on it, if it comes with a price tag attached. A divorce is much more expensive in many ways than wisely working to save a marriage.
PLUS:
- If your spouse says, “I love you but I’m not IN love with you” …OUCH! This is the beginning of an end if your spouse isn’t willing to work again with you to rebuild lost feelings. This is NOT impossible to overcome, but it WILL take recognition, and intentionality on both of your parts to breathe life into your relationship again.
- When you and/or your spouse keeps looking for ways to spend most of your free time away from rather than with each other, serious trouble has invaded your relationship. You can’t control your spouse. Sometimes if you try to crowd him or her into doing that, which is right, it can backfire. But recognize the crisis, and know that you can control the efforts and time you invest in the relationship. Ask God for wisdom. Seek it as a hidden treasure. And then see what God will do in your heart and your marriage as you make Him your Wonderful Counselor.
- When you (or your spouse) is looking elsewhere to have emotional and/or sexual needs met outside the relationship, your marriage is in crisis, for sure. “Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned“ (or his marriage)? (Proverbs 6:27). It can be termed as, “being on the prowl,” although few spouses would admit to it. It might be as “innocent” as exploring someone through Facebook, or the Gym or elsewhere to find someone interesting to talk to. But when these types of temptations are fed by opening the door of curiosity, a crisis is either ready to explode.
God’s Word Tells Us:
“Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.“ (1 Corinthians 6:18-20)
- When you or your spouse is having an affair, another person is being given the opportunity to divide the love you should have exclusively for each other. A marriage is in emergency mode when betrayal is in the works. Do not allow yourself or your spouse to continue the assault upon what should be an exclusive relationship between a husband and wife. Marriage is designed to be an exclusive covenant relationship between the husband and wife and God.
“Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares? Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers. May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth” (Proverbs 5:15-18).
In Addition:
- If the laughter has gone out of your relationship, warning, warning, warning! This might not appear to be as critical as some of the other signs that are listed, but don’t be fooled. If you see this happening, this is the time to infuse laughter back into the relationship again. The couple that doesn’t laugh together has lost a critical healing component to their relationship. The Bible says, “laughter (or a cheerful heart) is good medicine“ (Proverbs 17:22). If you stop laughing together, your marriage can naturally slide into crisis mode.
“Laughter bonds people. Any good friend will tell you that laughter is the shortest distance between two people —especially in marriage.” (Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott)
- When hope that a serious problem can be resolved is waning and thoughts of leaving the marriage are being entertained, your marriage is at a critical point.
“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life“ (Proverbs 13:12). Look to the Lord to show you where it is healthy to put your hope. And then invest wisely. And don’t use your human timetable when you believe your prayers should be answered. Line your will up with God’s and you will never be without hope.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path.” (Proverbs 3:5-6)
Finally:
- When the “divorce” word is being thrown around as a continual threat, it often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. You must stop doing that, which will drain your marriage of any hope. Instead, invest your energy into looking for solutions rather than inching towards a way of escape.
“There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death” [and in this case, it could be death of a marriage] (Proverbs 16:25).
As it concerns the many warnings above, consider:
“Whoever gives heed to instruction prospers,
and blessed is he who trust in the Lord.
The wise in heart are called discerning…“
(Proverbs 16:20-21)
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
Filed under: Save My Marriage
I need CHRISt to come in my marriage to make a miracle happen. My husband has neglected me for years intimately and it has taken a toll on my self esteem. I’ve endured 10 depressions with my relationship being the reason. And this time I’m without hope and I just don’t know how to find forgiveness in my heart. Please help me; I am in crisis. Is this the end?
I have two beautiful children and I want to live with my husband; he is such a good man. He says that he is ready to change and love me physically and we are seeing a sex therapist but it’s really hard for me to trust. My heart is so broken. For years I was citizen for gaining an extra 20 lbs and before I was skinny and still he would not pursue me sexually. I thought a man and woman, once they married, were supposed enjoy sex and making love.
I needed to feel loved and was neglected way too much time. The flowers in this garden were not watered and the weeds have come in and I do not know how rip them away to put in seeds and make the flowers grow. My love is somewhere I can’t find. I am so severely depressed. I need prayers and God’s wisdom and love.
Hi Vanessa, Thank you so much for sharing your situation here on this site. You are among friends who have gone through difficult times and who want only to help… It is NOT the end… even though it FEELS like the end. God has said, “If we pray according to His will He hears us… 1 John 5:24.” I can imagine that this has take it’s toll on your self esteem. All of us are so quick to blame ourselves for how other people interact with us (or don’t interact with us as in your case). We can reason these things out easily enough, but that doesn’t take the pain away always.
The fact that your husband says he is ready to change is a big plus!! At least he is willing. May I assume that this is a psychological “block” rather than a “physical disability?” Or is he simply far too busy with his job? Some men do get “married” to their jobs, and just have no idea how this impacts the family. Is your husband believing? Do you pray with each other? I know I am asking many questions, I am just trying to get a better picture of your situation.
A few websites which may be of interest: — http://www.marriagehelper.com/sexual-rejection-effect-on-marriage This site is unique in that the situation describes her sexual rejection of the husband, without knowing how hurtful it felt to the husband. Then later the husband does the same thing, not out of revenge, but because he basically “gave up.” I am not implying that this is your situation at all, nor that you have been doing this, simply to illustrate the dynamic in a relationship where neither parter was specifically seeking to hurt the spouse.
— https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ep2MAx95m20
— https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZFPajbFhSOc&ebc=ANyPxKpLZLtiWBH46qLTFZeCnnWJIAWHmu7mB1obzYFMvQMDAjqrwWR6mQKv-j-OLIe8y50Oas8-JXxXdBBpcH-Jv17ljvoY6Q
I hope these help Vanessa….. I hope this reply is not too late. WP (Work in Progress)
I just stumbled across this site, in utter desperation at the state my marriage is in. We are currently in the process of moving. It has taken a toll on our already delicate relationship and I’m somewhat hopeless about it. You see, my hubby and I have been through a lot the 6 years we’ve been together. We usually come out above the waves but feel like we are sinking during the storm.
He and I are complete opposites when it comes to finances. I am a spender and he is the saver…extremely frugal might I add. I like having nice things and he could care less. That’s fine but what causes conflict is the constant belittling if I spend even a dime of my monthly ‘blow money.’
He checks the bank account constantly; threatens me with accusations about being a liar when it comes to how I handle our money and would rather look at pornography then be intimate. Pornography is a huge problem in America and the church is not addressing it. Luckily I have and he does not deny his wrongdoings. He says he will stop when I stop spending. I can’t go on with this circular, negative pattern any longer, especially with two boys under 3 in the mix. Help!
Hi Dana, I just read your text, and I think I can identify with some of your dilemma. I am a husband married to my wife now 36 years, we have two adult children and three grandchildren.
I am somewhat like your husband, in the sense that I am the saver. My wife is more of a spender; she also likes nice things. Nice things are OK for me, but… like your husband, they don’t matter so much. My thrifty habits come from a sense of extreme financial insecurity; I lived for a long time in fear of going broke. I had three jobs when I was in graduate school, and even went to the “Give Blood drives” as often as possible because I would get $5 for a liter of blood. Perhaps your husband is operating from a similar fear? Checking the accounts constantly tells me this may well be the case. In the years since then, I’ve learned that the Scriptures are true, that God does provide for His children. Of course we have our part to play, but He never fails on His promises. I have lost jobs; we have lived in 4 nations (I am an American, my wife is Dutch), we have had crazy situations with seemingly no way out, and God in His unknowable ways has provided. Through these circumstances, I have been able to release my fears, and am far more able to enjoy a nice dinner out, or an extra bit of photo equipment, (I am a photographer) without sweating about the extra expense. Of course we do not go into excess… and sometimes we both have to say “no.”
I have always appreciated the fact that my wife never goes beyond her budget. In the rare instance that she does, there is always a pretty good reason. Sometimes if her expenses get a bit excessive, then I will chip in a little. If I am feeling a bit cramped, then my wife will help me out by paying for things which I normally pay myself. Or we both agree to a “no” answer to a given expense.
I am assuming that your husband runs the finances, and you have a sum which is labelled “blow money” which is yours to do with as you wish? That’s what it sounds like. Then, it seems to me that your husband should not “mess with” your “blow money” at all! Your husband’s porn habit is for sure NOT OK. You must know that this is extremely addicting, and needs urgent attention. But that is a subject for another time. I wonder what that costs. :)
Perhaps to break the negative pattern, you can take him up on his suggestion. You can stay within your “blow money” budget, and let him sort out his end of the bargain and demonstrate that he is at least addressing his porn habit. You can keep receipts of your spending, which is outside your “blow money” and let him go through the papers when he accuses you of lying.
It doesn’t feel to me like you are lying. Handing him a fistful of receipts, (not in a nasty way, but in a quiet confident way) should disarm any ideas about your lying. I really hope these ideas help… it’s painful to read your text. I hope you let us know here how you are doing, and whether these, or other suggestions are helpful. WP (Work in Progress)
Hi Dana, You have several separate problems going on in your marriage. As far as having your husband check up on your “blow money” you need to go back to what that money is supposed to be –money that you personally get to spend without having it hurt your budget, or have to account for it. So why not use the “envelop system?” That’s what we do. Each pay check I get a small amount in cash that we both decided upon and so does my husband. This is money that we can spend in whatever way we want to (as long as it isn’t for something that is sinful, or divisive in some way –like spending it on porn or having lunch with someone we shouldn’t, etc). That way neither of you is micro-managing each other’s little bit of spending money. It makes you feel like you aren’t being treated like a child. And when the cash you have is gone… your spending is done until the next pay check.
As for other types of spending, you really need to work that out. You may need to spend less and he may need to spend more so there is a little bit of wiggle room, and you both feel like winners, rather than losers. Money speaks different things to different people. Different values for it are involved. Here are a couple of quotes to note: “For richer or poorer, money is a key spark in couple conflict. It seems common sense to say that paper currency and coins are not themselves the root of the troubles, but it’s the underlying habits and attitudes, or ‘habitudes,’ that drive how those financial instruments are used, or misused, spent or saved. And many people are unaware of their habitudes, attitudes they internalized during the growing-up years: for one, money may represent security, for another it may be about control, and for another, money is the key to power, or freedom.” (James and Audora Burg, from the Sturgis)
• “You can’t have a great relationship until you can communicate and agree about money. Larry Burkett, noted financial author, says, ‘Money is either the best or the worst area of communication in our marriages.’ After years as a financial counselor and working with marriage counselors, I know that money and money fights are the #1 cause of divorce, not to mention the thing we fight about the most. So if you have money fights, you are normal. But if this is a real problem area for you, there is also an opportunity to improve your relationship and maybe even reach agreement with your spouse. I’m not talking about agreement brought on by surrender, but rather by each person getting a vote, understanding the other’s view, and finding common ground.” (Dave Ramsey)
I point this out to say, you need to try to find a way to work together on financial compromise here. You can be good for each other –one can balance the other, if you allow it to do so. That’s what we found out in our marriage. But I can tell you that your financial matters need to be worked on separately from the porn issues. Imbalance in finances can be problematic, but porn issues are just plain unacceptable. It is a form of adultery, even though your husband may not want to admit it. Please go through the following topic, particularly the Quotes part of it for a better understanding: https://marriagemissions.com/category/pornography-and-cybersex/. Your husband is rewiring his brain by exposing it to this stuff. Many, many studies are coming out with this. Please read, pray, and talk together about both issues. They need to be worked out so neither causes permanent damage to your relationship, and it will, if you aren’t intentional in working against this.
We are young couple married for several years and have been together since high school. We’re finally expecting a baby soon and my husband just keeps subtly reminding me that he has to pull almost all of the workload around the house. His job keeps him mostly at home and when I get home from work I’m absolutely too exhausted to even function enough to finish my online courses. There is no intimacy anymore and I feel unloved.
My automatic reaction is to always fight back and tell him he is being a jerk but it doesn’t seem to matter he just unplugs and says he doesn’t even want to talk to me. My heart is breaking. I know without a doubt this is the man God gave to me; I just don’t know if I can find the energy to help anymore and fear what will happen once the baby comes. How do I find a way to not lash out when he says hurtful things like this? How can I get him to acknowledged my hurt?
Cindy, How I wish we could sit down together and talk and talk. I sense that the things that you are going through with your husband are things my husband and I went through and millions of other wives have gone through –different ways of seeing the same thing. What seems to us to be so apparent does not seem so apparent to husbands, and visa versa. It’s difficult being on the same “marital team” when day in and day out, we see things so differently.
A case in point is what you said about your husband “subtly reminding” you that he has to pull almost all the workload around the house. You probably think his “being a jerk” is because he continually reminds you of all he does when it seems apparent to you that he SHOULD do those things because he’s home more than you, and you are so very tired, which you believe he should realize. He may, but lots of times guys (and some gals) are not aware of these types of things as we as wives, think they should be. It’s a vicious circle. But basically, what I’ve seen (as research bears out) is that guys are wired to want accolades for the things (more than wives want) that we as wives think they shouldn’t. They want words of affirmation beyond what we think they should, but they do, and that’s the dilemma. Are you going to hold your ground and keep saying, “it shouldn’t matter that much,” or are you going to say, “I don’t understand it, but I can do this?” Showing appreciation will grow his eagerness to do even more. Since I started lavishing compliments (sincere ones) upon my husband, it’s amazing how much more he works to please me.
There is a GREAT book by Shaunti Feldhahn titled, For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men
that talks about this. I encourage you to get, if you can. It’s written in such a common sense way, also based on years of research. As a matter of fact, we have one article (among others) written by Shaunti which you can find on our web site at: https://marriagemissions.com/be-careful-your-husband-will-seek-affirmation-somewhere/. It simply talks about the different way many men approach marriage matters, which is so very different than the way women approach them. For more insights, I encourage you to read through the topic “For Married Women.” Here’s a link to the topic index: https://marriagemissions.com/category/for-married-women/. You said that you’re really tired, and have a lot you’re trying to do, plus, you’re pregnant. But for the sake of your marriage, and the sake of building a peaceful home for your baby to grow up in, I hope you will make it a priority to read one article at a time here and there so you can build precept upon precept. Here’s another article: https://marriagemissions.com/how-to-talk-to-your-husband-to-truly-connect/ and here’s another, which seems to address the reason he might not “even want to talk” to you: https://marriagemissions.com/how-well-do-you-encourage-honesty/.
There’s so much more… I don’t want to overwhelm you. But trust me Cindy, these things are fixable. I know life is busy for you, but I encourage you to clear some things away that you can clear (ask God what you can delay until later), and work on these issues in healthy ways before your baby is born, so you have a more peaceable home. Look around our web site, and you will find articles, which address the many questions you posed. Right now you are in what we call the “wet cement” time of your marriage, where things are still a bit pliable. Please don’t wait until you both get more and more hardened by all of the misunderstandings that are going on, because then it will take a jack hammer to work these issues out, which will be much, much more difficult… difficult, but usually not impossible unless you’ve let it go too far. I hope and pray you will. :)
I don’t know what to do. I have tried everything I can and I get no response from him at all and he has called his bank for an address change. I’m lost on what can I do to fix this. I know I may be the cause by fussing at the kids about keeping the house clean and trash not going where it goes and upping the windows when the ear on things like that frustrated me, so I asked them to leave if they couldn’t obey by our house rules. It lead to other altercations with me and my husband. He said if his son had to leave then he was leaving also, so I if that’s what you want then it’s up to you.
When he left the first time for that weekend, he came back and he then was leaving after I was going to see my neice in the hospital. I asked him why was he getting all of his clothes. He then said he was leaving so I said give me my tithes money; I ask you to pay my tithes. He said he was going to give it to me when he got paid. Ok he then asked me to pay his bike insurance. I then asked him when was he going to pay me back. He said whenever I get it. He just got paid so I was asking him and he said I don’t have any money. I said you just got paid, please give me my money because if you’re leaving I need my money so I can pay some of these bills you’re leaving me with.
I saw that he wasn’t going to give it to me so I then was trying to take it from him and it led to a fiscal fight. I still was trying to talk to him and he just didn’t want to listen so he left saying that he’s not coming back. He may need some time to think and get his head together, and he won’t answer the phone for me nor he has changed his address to his bank account, nor wants to help me with anything. My car broke down; he had the insurance company remove me from the insurance when it was my insurance. I now have to take my insurance company to court because they changed my policy without informing me. Now I can’t get my car towed because he now wouldn’t respond to the insurance company, so I am lost. I don’t want to lose my husband. I still love and forgive him. I asked him to forgive me but he is still not responding.
Hi Angire, Wow… a lot of hurt on both sides… and little real communication is what I perceive in your text. (I am a husband married 36 years; we have 2 adult children.) You both are reacting in defensive ways… You two really seem to be islands more than friends and spouses.
Have you sat down with him and expressed yourself as you have in your first paragraph? That you regret your “fussing at the kids about keeping the house clean and trash not going where it goes and upping the windows…?” Have you asked him “What am I doing which makes you want to leave?” (Or do you have a fairly good idea already? If so, perhaps you should admit these shortcomings and ask him to help you do better?)
There is a lot of ground to cover here, and it will take time to fix… true. There are two sides to every coin… no husband is perfect… also true. But the only person whose reactions and feelings you can truly control are yours. Otherwise you can only “exert influence.” The wonderful thing about God’s design for marriage is that when even one partner lays down the “right to be right,” and trusts God to enter the situation, and acts accordingly, that miracles do happen and changes can and do take place.
Certainly a start for you could be to
– pray,
– own your shortcomings and failings,
– ask your husband what you can do to do better,
– listen carefully to his answer,
– put his answer into action,
– not take actions or say things you know in your heart are hurtful or counterproductive,
– ask advice of trusted friends,
– never speak badly of your husband to anyone,
– not try and change your husband,
– get counselling if you both agree.
I cetainly hope these ideas help… Take care, WP (Work in Progress)
I have been married for almost 3 years and my husband is a very good father and man. I don’t know how to change the way I feel. I love him, but I don’t see our relationship the same way I saw it 3 years ago, especially after our son was born. My son is 1.5 months and he is a very easy child, so I know it is not my child putting stress in our relationship. It is just sometimes I feel like my husband prefers to spend more time in his hobbies or with friends than with us or me. I have always had issues with a low self esteem, so I am alway trying to do things that make me feel useful, important, smart or look good. I know I have to work a lot on myself, but I really want to love my husband the way I loved him when we got married.
Hi Mag, Your text strikes a chord with me because I also am a person who has struggled a lot with low self-esteem. (I am a husband married 36 years; we have 2 adult children.) I know that earlier I had a lot of trouble when my wife wanted to be out with her friends… I was too often thinking, “She really doesn’t want to be with me, she’s looking for excuses to get out of the house.”
Can you say that you are in general fun to be around –that you are basically easy to live with? Or do you have the tendency to nag… control… be critical? In other words, do you have a real reason to believe that your husband is preferring his friends and hobbies MORE than you or does he simply like a little time to himself? I know that I do like to be out with friends once in a while… and I have my hobbies… also my wife likes her outings… then we are together again, and we have more things to talk about.
Perhaps you are over-reacting? Realistically…what do you think? I hope to hear from you… You take care, Cheers, WP (Work in Progress)
Hi, I am a young man of 35 and my wife is 26. We are married for five years. My feelings for her took a major down turn so to speak after we got married, in the first month. I was previously married with a kid and was completely transparent with her about it. I was divorced for 4 years when I met her. She told me she was in a marriage as well before me for 3 years, and was single like I was for 3 years before we met. – A month into our marriage I discovered she was in a really long term serious relationship with another guy who she had broken up with 5 months before we met. – Most of her sexuality had developed with this guy and that angered me big time. I went on to develop servere retroactive jealousy and felt really let down. Even today I feel like he is her ideal although she totally adores me.
She also suffers from intermediate social anxiety, Anxiety, depression, and has no social skills except for being accepted for her looks, and she is drop dead but becomes too dependant on her spouse it seems. Her recent ex was Mr. Undying Love – When we argue she would mention how he didn’t have a problem wth her psycological problems mentioned above. I do have an issue. – Basically feel like I married his girl. Although she does not have feelings for him since they split.
We do not have any stimulating conversations at all, she is awlays hating her life, her mental state, her jobs, her abilties, my lack of romance (I don’t feel romantic with her). – One of the ways I was hoping we would really grow close is through praying and learning our religion together since that was why she expressed her interest in me when we met and I was looking for a woman to grow that part of my life. – When we began that journey in our marriage she would get annoyed and angry at all her mistakes or the stuff she had NOT learned growing up. She refuses to pray alongside me, or practice what we learn and her excuse is that she feels like she is not worthy. – She cannot seem to learn – anything. – Any form of criticism is devastating for her. My family don’t talk to her because they say she makes them feel weird, but thats due to her social insecurties.
We have a two year old son…and he is my life; I love him to bits, but I am not in love with my wife…and I am struggling to find romantic love for her. – She just hangs around me almost 24/7 and she has no interests, no ambitions, no effort in anything she dreams of…and always blames the world for everything.
I have no idea what to do…I don’t want to lose my son.
Hi Mr. I, Wow! Your situation is certainly not easy… and we both know that there are no easy formula’s.
If I have done the math right, you are telling me that you married for the second time to your present wife when you were 30, and must have been divorced when you were 26 with a child by your first marriage. So you married in your early 20’s? Your present wife also in a second marriage, and she was married at 21 and divorced at 23. You both have your 2-year old, as well as your child from your first marriage.
It just seems that you were both very young, and both with difficult histories when you entered into your present marriage.
In the short term, it seems that the most important thing you can do is to see your wife through new eyes. What did you like about her which made you want to marry her? Why did she say “yes” to you?
You say she misses romance with you, Well- be creative! Surprise her! Take her out on little outings, go for a coffee, bring her flowers, write her little notes and leave them in special places where she will find them! When you start with being romantic, the romantic feelings tend to follow.
What else does she miss with you? Perhaps ask her? Perhaps the website below will be of interest; the 5 Love Languages. We found this very helpful :)
http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/communication-and-conflict/learn-to-speak-your-spouses-love-language/understanding-the-five-love-languages
http://www.proprofs.com/quiz-school/story.php?title=whats-your-love-language
No this is not a quick fix cure-all. But it is a start. Hope this helps, and I hope and pray the very best for you, Take care, WP (Work in Progress)
Help my name is Ade …I am about to get married in a few days to come but my partner has changed. Should I go ahead? I am confused. Please help me.
How has your fiancé changed?
I really need advice. I am newly married and belong to the Indian community. I got married in January this year and my family arranged a big lavish wedding for us. Now four months down the line I feel lost. I have known my husband for 5 years now as we started dating in 2011. It was all good back then. I felt loved and we used to have a lovely time enjoying each other’s company. Back then I wasn’t sure of him being somebody of marriageable material especially since there are some big differences; however, we decided to keep these differences aside and marry.
Fast forward to now, I feel lonely all the time. He has stopped initiating any intimacy and there are his family members always around due to which we have no privacy. We have lived with his family since our marriage and I really feel that this has caused more of a crisis for us. I always have to behave a certain way and his siblings, especially his sisters don’t seem to like me. I’ve openly heard them whispering about me. I don’t know why because I’ve always been respectful to them.
Anyway, I’ve decided to mind my own business as far as his family is concerned as we’re moving out in two weeks time. I work full time, hold a good job and feel my aspirations and ambitions are something they probably wouldn’t relate to. I don’t really care about that anyway but this has made me realise the massive differences in their traditional beliefs and my forward thinking ambitious attitude. My family is affluent; they’ve always brought us up so we can go to college and make something out of our lives. I know that I have a bright future ahead; however, my marriage…not so much.
After a busy day, I always try to make time for my husband but he goes to bed and has no regard for my needs. We haven’t had the chance to be intimate because his family is always around and this has made me feel lonely. I don’t feel attractive and have low self esteem because the one person who should love me makes me feel rejected. I was once very confident and had men chase me. He says that he loves me and does show affection. He’s definitely NOT having an affair as he comes straight home from work. It’s probably a very low testosterone drive but this is obviously having a bad effect on me. There are times when I feel so suffocated by his family and the fact that we rarely spend time with each other that I just want to run away. However, it will break the hearts of my parents who have always vouched for him.
Initially my dad wasn’t too keen on him but then he saw him as a good, kind and caring person. He is all this and he does show that he cares; however, it’s not enough for me…really really lost. I just want to speak with someone to help me improve my marriage. I hate being miserable as a newlywed. P.S. We haven’t even had the chance to go on a honeymoon yet.
Hi Diya, I hope this reply is not too late. Sounds very sad…only 4 months into your marriage and already such a big change from your dating days. Have you sat him down and told him what you have written here above? He may not even be aware of how you are feeling!
I am a husband married 36 years with 2 adult children. I’m sorry to say, but we men can be rather blind regarding emotions, feelings, and knowing how our wives feel. My wife has had to tell me in tactful but firm words how she feels sometimes, and I have to admit, I really did not know. Sounds crazy, but many men have this. Early in our marriage I had the tendency to pay less than the needed attention to my wife in my efforts to be sure that the children know that their father loves them. A good friend of the family pointed this out to me in a kind but no-nonsense manner. Again, I really did not know. I am grateful to this day for friends and family who care enough to point out shortcomings and faults so that I can change direction.
It is good that you are moving very soon, living with his family constantly underfoot is a bad situation for sure. Have you talked with your parents or siblings? From your text, you seem to come from a close, as well as an affluent, family.
I certainly hope the best for you…. WP (Work in Progress)
We’ve been married for 30 years we have been on a crazy road. I’m deaf and she’s he hearing; we have three hearing daughters too. God I love her and she said she loves me. But she’s never home but maybe 4 or 5 hrs out of 30 days. She says the reason she does it is to show me I am doing wrong to her. Does she have a right to do that? She said she wants me to do the right thing to her, I don’t know what I did wrong. I kept asking, and she said this and these point out our problems.
Hi David, Of course she does not have the right to do that. I hope this has not been your situation for the last 30 years! Can you think back to when things were better and determine any changes in your behaviour which would lead to her staying away to “show you what you are doing wrong?” 4-5 hours per month is certainly pretty minimal. You must have at least even a small idea of what is amiss.
I am a husband married 36 years with 2 adult children. Perhaps in the meantime you can look at the 2 sites here below? Certainly worth a try.
https://marriagemissions.com/100-ways-you-can-love-your-wife-her-way/comment-page-4/#comment-347263
http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/communication-and-conflict/learn-to-speak-your-spouses-love-language/understanding-the-five-love-languages
I hope this helps David….. WP (Work in Progress)
My husband is always drunk. His children come to stay on holidays and summer. I dread the week before and about a month after. He becomes mean and abusive to me especially in these periods. While they are here he only says mean things to me in private. When they leave he is free to do it anywhere. I can’t do anything right anymore. I have been out of work due to MVA for 1 1/2 years. I’m in pain daily and he gets drunk and hurts me either physically or emotionally. Everyone thinks he is so good, he is a RN and a Knight of Columbus. I want to video tape his behavior and show everyone what he does. His family knows what he does as he did the same things before to his ex wife. They condone his behaviors. He has tried to stop drinking only for them to bring him beer. I’m ready to leave him. I love him but I can no longer take this. We have been married for only 2 years and been together 5 years. I left my ex husband for way less than I have endured with my new husband. I myself have been a RN in ICU for 22 years, I have been charge, supervisor, mentor but after I married him he now tells me I am a worthless nurse and that I am stupid. We worked together for 3 years until we married and I taught him most of what he knows. Please help!
Hi Kitty, You’re in a dangerous situation and you need to protect yourself and any minor-age children you have in your house. You need to enlist outside help if at all possible. You say he did the same things to his ex-wife. Clearly there is a pattern here, which is not someting you want to be a part of. Please understand, it is not my place to recommend separation or divorce, and I’m not doing that here. But it is also true, from what you say, that your situation is precarious.
I am a husband married 36 years with 2 adult children. Our daughter was in an abusive relationship for 8 years, and finally left soon after her first daughter was born. She realized that she could take on the “problems” before she had children, wanting to be loyal, and knowing she was taking a considerable risk. She was not willing to subject her daughter to the dangers present in the house. She, and we, realized that her, and her daughter’s emotional, and physical well being were hanging in the balance. Now, almost 3 years later, she is VERY happy she took that very difficult step of leaving the relationship.
I hope and pray for the very best for you Kitty, WP (Work in Progress)
Thank you for this article it was helpful and comforting may God richly bless you and you ministries
My husband doesn’t respect my feelings because he doesn’t change his ways after telling him that this can effect our marriage. If he cared he would change and stop hurting my feelings. He says negative things toward me when I address the issue?
My husband said he wasted his one chance to get married on me. I really haven’t been the same after that. Being around him is hard. It’s been almost two months since he said that and no matter how I try to let it go those words are still there. It’s like a physical wound that won’t heal.
I was in my third trimester of pregnancy when my husband said he will be travelling to another country to marry in order to secure citizenship, work there, raise enough money there and set up a school so that we could come out of financial challenges. I almost died.
And also during an argument, he said to my mother I was of no use. He does not respect my feelings. He treats me anyhow & I’m so tired of it now. I’ll give birth in 2 months time.
Jennifer, my heart cries with yours. I’m so, so sorry that your husband has done and is doing this to you. Your focus should be on this precious baby and the joy you both should hold over a new life you are bringing into this world. Instead he is making deals, involving another woman, and is breaking your heart. I’m so sad for you. I hope you can somehow find a way to take your eyes off your husband (except when you pray for him because he definitely needs prayer) and put them on the Lord and this baby and living as healthy as possible.
This situation is so toxic. But God can help you to find hope in Him –He will not disrespect you or leave you. Please do what you can to dismiss your husband’s horrible treatment of you, and his disrespect, and look for pinpoints of light that God will bring your way as you lean upon him. You and this baby deserve whatever good can come your way. Lean upon the Lord to show you how to find it. I pray for you.
God has recently revealed to me that many of the problems I see in my husband are the ways I used to be before I accepted Jesus as my Savior. However, I was not careful and did not heed God by waiting to get married, and now there are some serious consequences. Those familiar spirits re-attached themselves to me, and I have acted in a similar manner. I hope this helps someone see that we, as the wives play a part in our marriage as One…with Jesus as our glue. While we are the weaker vessel, He can come to our aide when we ask. Thanks for being there. In Jesus name, I pray we all live a victorious life in our marriage in the name of our precious Savior, Jesus.
Hello, after 15 years of marriage recently I have found the desire to sleep alone and away from the husband. On our last day of intimacy, which was about 3 months ago I expressed to him I felt pain while having sex. I honestly was expecting for a loving response to at least try to make it passionately and help ease the disconfort. But, instead he responded with “well you just have to deal with it”. What? It truly demolished my heart. After that day, I have not kissed, hugged nor had sex with him, I simply can’t stand him. I truly think my only way out is getting a divorce.
He has tried to kiss and hug but I reject him. Presently I find myself dealing with a childish husband who is now destroying my shoes. Yes, my shoes! There’s no communication among us and so…please help!