Be Careful: Your Husband Will Seek Affirmation Somewhere

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Have you ever noticed how the adulterous woman in the book of Proverbs seduces the unwitting young man? It’s not with sex (okay, it’s not just with sex); it’s with flattery. “She threw her arms around him. And with a brazen look she said, ‘I’ve offered my sacrifices and just finished my vows. It’s you I was looking for!’ …With her flattery she enticed him. He followed her at once(from Proverbs 7).

Flattery is simply a seductive counterfeit for affirmation. As one marriage counselor told me, “Affirmation is everything. When a man is affirmed, he can conquer the world. When he’s not, he is sapped of his confidence and even his feeling of manhood. And believe me, he will, consciously or unconsciously, seek out places where he receives affirmation.”

Home is the most important place for a man to be affirmed. If a man knows that his wife believes in him, he is empowered to do better in every area of his life. Men tend to think of life as a competition and a battle. They can energetically fight it out if they can come home to someone who supports them unconditionally. They need someone who will wipe their brow and tell them they can do it. As one of our close friends told me, “It’s all about whether my wife thinks I can do it. A husband can slay dragons, climb mountains, and win great victories if he believes his wife believes that he can.”

Don’t tear him down!

If instead of affirming, a wife reinforces her husband’s feelings of inadequacy, it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. For example, if we focus on our attention on what he is doing wrong in the relationship, we can unwittingly undermine what we most want—for him to do it right.

But I discovered a dismaying fact. Of the men I surveyed, only one man in four felt actively appreciated by his family. And 44 percent of men actually felt unappreciated at home. More pointedly, men in their prime years of responsibility for home, children, and work —men between their ages of thirty-six and fifty-five —felt even less appreciated.

I’ll bet the wives or girlfriends of these men would be surprised to learn that they didn’t feel appreciated. My guess is that most of us do appreciate our men but don’t show it enough.

He’ll seek affirmation somewhere

If a man isn’t convinced that his woman thinks he’s the greatest, he will tend to seek affirmation elsewhere. He may spend more hours at work, where he feels alive and on top of his game. Or he may spend too much time talking to the admiring female associate. He may immerse himself in watching or playing sports, feeling the thrill of the competitive rush. Or he may retreat to his workshop or his home office. He may feel like he can control things there even if he feels inadequate and clumsy elsewhere.

“Why else do you think,” one man asked me, “so many men take sports so seriously? It’s something they feel good at, something they’ve practiced. They are admired and encouraged by other men on the field. People say ‘good hit?’ or ‘good shot!’ or show by tightening their defense that they know you’re about to smoke them. There’s nothing like that feeling. But I feel that same way at home when my wife applauds me for bringing in a big business deal. I also feel this when she brags to her friends about what a good father I am. It’s that same feeling.”

Need Affirmation

During my clinical research for The Lights of Tenth Street, several experts told me that a chronic lack of affirmation is one reason so many men slip into pornography addiction. For whatever reason, they feel like less than a man, so they seek —and find! —affirmation in pornography. As one man pointed out, “All those women in the men’s magazines convey one message: ‘I want you, and you are the most desirable man in the world.’ My wife may be nagging me at home, the kids may be disobedient, and I may be worried about messing up at work, but look at the woman in that picture makes me feel like a man.”

If affirmation is indeed everything, why should a man have to look for it in other places when he has a wife who loves and respects him? There’s nothing wrong with work, sports, or hobbies —it’s wonderful for him to feel alive and encouraged in those pursuits —but they shouldn’t have to be a retreat from an un-affirming home life.

Create a safety zone

Obviously, if many of our men spend their workdays feeling like they are always being watched and judged, it is no wonder that they want to come home to a totally accepting environment, where they can safely let their guard down. Men need a place where they can make their mistakes in peace and not constantly worry that they are one misstep away from being exposed.

If we don’t realize this and are perhaps too attentive to their mistakes at home, we risk creating a situation that is the opposite of what we want. Most of us want our men to be able to relax and truly open up to us. But in many ways, it is up to us to create the intimate, safe environment that makes that possible.

We may think that the adage, “his home must be his haven” is antiquated and unnecessary these days, but that is far from the truth. In fact, as the workplace has gotten harsher and less loyal, more demanding and less tolerant of mistakes, I’d say it’s even more important that a man’s home be a haven. Most of the men I talked with crave a retreat from the daily pressure of always having to perform.

The gift of confidence

I heard from many men, “Men put a lot of pressure on themselves.” On the survey, one husband pleaded, “I want my wife to know and understand my weaknesses, failings, short-comings, and still want me. I need her to be my number one source of encouragement to become the man God created me to be.”

We might think we wouldn’t have the ability to change our man’s feelings of workplace inadequacy. We would be wrong. By staunchly supporting our men, showing that we believe in them, and providing an emotionally safe environment to come home to, we can help give them at least the emotional confidence they need to dive back into the daily workplace fray.

In his autobiography, Jack: Straight from the Gut, Jack Welch, the famous chairman and CEO of General Electric, provides an insight for businessmen that is important for every wife —and mother —to hear.

Speaking about his mother, he wrote:

Perhaps the greatest single gift she gave me was self-confidence. It’s what I’ve looked for and tried to build in every executive who has every worked with me. Confidence gives you courage and extends your reach. It lets you take greater risks and achieve far more than you ever thought possible. Building self-confidence in others is a huge part of leadership. It comes from providing opportunities and challenges for people to do things they never imagined they could do —rewarding them after each success in every way possible.

A wife can give her husband that confidence (just as, hopefully, a husband can for his wife). It’s not about being the supportive “little woman.” It’s about realizing that despite their veneer of confidence, our husbands really do “carry their treasures in fragile containers.” They crave our affirmation for how they did on that play. Also, it’s about sending the man we love into the world every day —alive with the belief that he can slay dragons.

This article comes from the book For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men —written by Shaunti Feldhahn, published by Multnomah. This is a GREAT book to help women learn about what motivates men and their thought processes behind their actions (or non-actions). Shaunti had interviewed over 1000 men in researching this book. As a result she found that she didn’t know the mind of her husband and others like she thought she did. In this book she reveals the findings her research so women can better understand and interact with the men in their lives.

— ALSO —

There is also available: For Women Only Discussion Guide: A Companion to the Bestseller about the Inner Lives of Men. This book is written by Shaunti Feldhahn along with Lisa Rice, and is published by Multnomah. It’s designed to be used in small groups. It can even be used for having a one-on-one dialogue with the man of your life. Many women may wonder, “So what do I do with the information I’ve just been given?” This discussion guide is designed to answer that question. It contains personal stories, questions, and situational case studies to equip you in your own life.

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Comments

181 responses to “Be Careful: Your Husband Will Seek Affirmation Somewhere

  1. A good article. I’ve always thought that too much “not so useful information” during school years like algebra, calculus and trigonometry not to mention ancient history etc., could have been better by being replaced with Dale Carnegie’s “How to win friends and influence people.”

    Let’s ask ourselves, what do our children learn about future life in school? Knowing how to get along with other people, especially our partners is of foremost importance. There will always be time for “deeper studies.” Good advice could be given to all our young folks taking their first steps “out in the open.”

  2. Wow I’m speechless. I did a Google search “why does a married man feel the need to seek attention from other females” and found this read. This is the first time I’ve ever felt inclined to comment on a web-based forum post. I would honestly watch paint dry than read a book and I plan to research the authors from this particular posting and plan to make a purchase.

    I’m currently in a high-school sweethearts, 18 years together, total marriage that’s in a HORRIBLE nose dive with my spouse losing almost 150 lbs and changing. Thank you for shedding light on my situation and hopefully my spouse will change now I can explain it to her.

  3. I feel like my wife does not appreciate me at all. I do the best I can for her. We do have a 2 year old which can be exhausting at times. I am usually the last one to bed and the first one to wake up. I get up with our child 7 days a week so she can sleep in. She has a physical job with being a hair dresser and even though she is working only part-time, it can take a toll on her body. I rub her feet for her almost everyday. I make her coffee every morning, I usually do her laundry (wash, dry, fold, put away) for her without even asking along with our son’s. I empty the dishwasher without her asking. I do my best to be a good spiritual leader by doing devotions but I feel like she never pays attention or does not want to do them.

    She always criticizes me for the smallest things and reminds me of my screw ups not matter how big or small. She repeatedly rejects me when I attempt to initiate any sort of intimacy. She makes me feel unloved and unwanted. And if I don’t notice something that she did around the house such as laundry or cleaning or something like that, she gets angry and says I don’t appreciate her. She expects me to notice everything she does. She expects me to be a mind reader.

    Now I will say that her mother is very disrespectful towards her father. She constantly belittles him and embarrasses him in front of people and makes him feel worthless. I’m not sure if that is where my wife is getting it from. But the funny thing is, my wife NEVER used to be like this. She was the exact opposite. She was the most loving person in the world and she made me feel loved and like I mattered to her but she does not do that anymore. I’m not sure what I am doing wrong. I do my best to plan dates, write her notes, and send her surprise flowers. And when I do that, she seems to like it for a day or 2 and then everything goes back to her seemingly not even caring about me.

    She puts housework before me as well as yard work. She is more concerned with the floors being slightly dirty than talking to me about my day or spending time with me in general. I don’t feel like I’m the most important person to her (besides God of course) as I should be now that we are married. I don’t even feel like I’m in the top 10. I feel like our child, her parents, her brother, and her friends/coworkers matter to her more than I do and that she does not even care about how I feel about anything. I’m always the last to know about anything new or exciting in her life. And something else that bothers me is that she try to make it seem like our marriage and home life is perfect to other people. I can’t tell if she actually cares about our marriage or what people think of our marriage more.

    I don’t do these things for my wife to gain accolades, I do it because I love her and I want her to know that I appreciate her and that I love to serve her. I’m not saying that I’m perfect and I never do anything wrong. I mess up all of the time. The difference between her and I is that I own up to my mistakes and she whenever she does something wrong or messes up she become petty and spins it enough to make it seem like I am the one who caused her to mess up. Now I will say that going outside of my marriage is not even an option for me. I love my wife more than anything in the world and would do anything for her. I’m just trying to figure out the best way to handle this. Whenever I try to talk to her about this and how I feel, she says I’m too sensitive and says she doesn’t have time to always make me feel better when I’m down. I’m not looking for that. I just want to feel loved and wanted by the woman that God chose for me.

    1. Hi Tony,
      My first queston is, Have you shown this text to your wife? It is a well written account of where you are right now… and she may not have the least idea you feel this way.
      I wonder also if she sees all the things you do for her as indications that you love her. She may not you know. Are you aware of the “5 love languages?” By this I mean that everyone has a “love language” such that, if others “speak their language” then they perceive that they are loved. Yours may well be “acts of service” ie. things you do around the house, and chores you do to make her life easier. Hers may be something different, like “quality time” or “words of affirmation” More about this here below>
      http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
      http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/communication-and-conflict/learn-to-speak-your-spouses-love-language/understanding-the-five-love-languages
      http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/
      She needs to hear from you where you are. I have an idea that she really has no idea.
      These are only “first thoughts” but I hope these words help….. and I hope to see things go better!!
      I am married now 36 years… we have 2 grown children. (I am the husband) I hope to hear from you…. WP (Work in Porgress)

      1. Most men are doers and fixers. Very simple. We show love by our efforts. We are not skilled in these other languages. We can learn though. We aren’t dumb, just thick. When we feel respected and appreciated for what we do we feel loved. When we are feeling loved we are more open to suggestion. Most men take praise as a dying man in the desert takes water, we know we won’t survive without it. In time though, years, we learn and grow and mature. But if we aren’t allowed that time we will get stunted.

        Young wives truly need to know this truth. A woman must set her pride aside in the early years of the marriage, not to be walked, on stepped on, ignored, or bullied, no way, just enough so that her husband can lay his pride down a little at a time. If a man feels backed into a corner he will retreat into his cave or he will fight or he will run. It doesn’t have to be this way but much of the responsibility for this relational growth in the early marriage just does fall to the woman. Your man is learning a foreign language and you are his teacher.

        1. Hi Chuck, I wish you would copy your comment and read, and then add this comment (or write a similar one) in the comment section of the following article: http://marriagemissions.com/fix-it-listening/. It is so appropriate. You’re right that young wives “truly need to know this truth.” So do many older wives. Here’s another article that came to mind as I was reading what you wrote: http://marriagemissions.com/how-well-do-you-encourage-honesty/. If we really want honesty and we want to make our marriage a safe place to share, then we need to be careful of backing each other up into corners. We also have to be more aware of our different needs, and we also need to know how to approach touchy subjects.

          The Bible tells us that marriage is a “mystery.” It sure is. There is a lot we need to learn. We don’t “just” get married and think that we have this love thing figured out. We need to learn how to grow together as husband and wives with all of our quirks, differences, the “good, the bad and the ugly.” It CAN be learned, but it takes intentionality, an emptying of foolish pride, and skill building. Marriage can be WONDERFUL, but it takes a lot of work to get it to that place and keep growing it so it stays there. Thanks for sharing Chuck.

        2. Chuck, Don’t get your feelings hurt when I write this, because this is from a woman’s point of view of how women experience being female. Men cannot tell women what they feel or experience and women cannot tell men what they as men, experience. I think this is where so many problems and “confusion” between the genders comes in. But according to you Chuck, “men are doers and fixers and men show love by their efforts.” What efforts? That is not what women need. Being a “doer fixer and efforts,” is absolutely not satisfying to us. Women are often told that men want to be our “knight in shining armor.” So not what women need to feel loved and respected. What this looks like is you as a man, telling women what we are supposed to need and want, but you can’t do that. Ask us. If you are a man, you cannot speak for us.

    2. Dalrock.wordpress.com. Look for the article “she felt unloved” and read as many of his articles as you can.

    3. It almost sounds like she is a narcissist. They tend to put a “spin” on situations to put the blame on the other person, and never admit that they made a mistake. You sound like a good husband. Not many men do all those things for their wives. I pray that she will reconsider her values and your relationship will improve.

      1. My wife hasn’t appreciated me in over 14 years. She plain ignores and when I mention it she gets angry. I do all the cooking, cleaning, landscape our five acres. She spends most of her time with her mother of friends. We have a sexless marriage even though I spend three days a week in the gym keeping trim. She has forgotten my birthday more than once but I make sure her day is wonderful. I beg her to take a day off and go somewhere nice but refuses, then only to find out she took a vacation day to take her hypochondriac mother to the doctor because she’s afraid of dying. I give her advice and tells me no one asked but then takes the advice of friends. She rolls her eyes at me like I’m a fool.

    4. I can relate to your story, sir. Mine is pretty much the same thing as yours. Whenever she comes home from work, instead of spending time with me and talking to me, she ends up on her phone talking to her friends for hours non stop. I brought many times to her attention that issue and nothing has changed. I came to a point that I don’t spend much time in the house. I wake up, go to work, relax at my university or Starbucks after a long day just to unwind. I usually get home very late at night and skipped dinner since all the frustrations come back again. I do my best to help around with laundry, cleaning, washing dishes and doing grocery shopping, etc… It’s very uncomfortable, trust me and sometimes I am very tempted to cheat since I feel so neglected, but I controlled myself. If matters come to worse, I am just going to get a divorce and call it a day.

  4. I have been married to a man for 24 years that has sought the attention of other women like I didn’t even exist. I found this terribly crushing in the beginning of our relationship. In the first year of marriage he has an emotional affair; at a time when we should be enjoying each other he was seeking attention other places. I asked him why and he said that I didn’t laugh at his jokes…seriously? I didn’t laugh at his jokes so he had to seek attention elsewhere? I had been the one seeking him and he was eating that up but the chase was not mutual. He was caught up in lust and fantasy and spent time he should have been working on the marriage seeking to please his lust.

    I am actually leaving, filed for divorce which will soon be final. Our years together never changed no matter how much counseling we had. He felt it was his right to seek other women and blamed me for not giving him attention when actually I see that he never showed any interest in me as he was seeking other women, daily thru porn or some other means. With time I disengaged as I did not feel he loved me and he did not want to spend time with me, would not speak. I did try but his only solution was for me to engage with him sexually…trust me I tried it repeatedly and he was never able to give on his part and his behavior never changed. He wanted his cake and eat it too.

    I spent over 4 years in therapy and realized that a man who has to be filled by seeking the attention of other women is empty inside and he using this attention to fill himself and feel good about himself. I do not believe a wife can fill a man who is empty inside. I think it is the responsibility of the husband to seek what is harming him and his marriage

    Too much is passed on to the wife to “fix” in the marriage and somehow we are held responsible for their actions but that is saying I am responsible for my alcoholic husband’s problems and that I can fix that. This is not possible. We each have to find ourselves. We can support our spouse but it take two and if one spouse chooses actions that harm a marriage they make the choice and the consequences will follow.

    I do not feel women are obligated to walk around in some state of denial for the sake of family or their religious beliefs.

    1. I found this article and the discussion today and it is the best thing I have found after looking for answers as to why my marriage ended. Without writing an essay my husband was unfaithful. He says that he felt undervalued. I have felt very guilty about this and have been questioning my part. I have reached this conclusion: Yes, I did undervalue him eventually, but as an earlier post said ‘I felt empty and had nothing left to give’. He was not a bad man, but allowed other things (gym, friends, alcohol, his hobby) to take precedence over myself and our children. It seems he was searching for happiness and approval wherever/however he could to build his low self esteem. He is the product of an over-protective mother, a domineering father, was bullied at school as a child and sexually abused by a family friend. He had no real life-experience when we met and I suppose that I did become a mother figure.

      My point is this: while I loved and cared for him, I have needs too, and I am worn out from being all things to him. I want someone to care for me too. I agree that both men and women need positive dialogue, but sometimes our partners have stuff going on inside that they need to work out. I feel he needed to go off and explore and learn, although this has of course caused much heartache. I did my best, but I’m not perfect, just human. Even so, I feel that I should have handled things better, been open instead of becoming resentful and being passive aggressive. I’m learning, not sure he is though :(

    2. That is very sad. Some men never grow up. You got one of those, sadly. You tried for 24 years though, and that says something about your strength and your heart. I hope you will find peace and that bitterness does not become your constant companion.

  5. Must have been written by a man …gimme a break …”be careful your husband will seek affirmation somewhere” obviously whomever wrote this article doesn’t know the first thing about marriage and he misses the point altogether both the husband and wife should give affirmation to each other and most importantly put God first!

    1. I think you misunderstand the intention of this article. It is to bring awareness to both the husband and the wife of these mutual needs that are very raw in the early years and need to be nurtured in both and by both. Yes too it is true that without a relationship with God and an understanding of how He sees marriage the marriage will truly struggle. Remember that He is the God of mercy.

    2. What difference if it is written by a man or woman if it’s true? Here’s my situation; I’ve been married 15 years and still have remained faithful to my wife. The last few have been the loneliest I’ve felt in my entire life. The reason is I don’t feel I am appreciated by my wife. I’m not looking for a “good job” anytime I fix something around the house. But I feel if my wife made a list of the 10 most important things in her life, I wouldn’t be on it. It may not be realistic, just the way I feel. I’ve attempted many things to impress my wife, to be her number 1. Just in the last 6 months, I’ve played minor league football, started a business, extended my education, along with trying things outside of my comfort zone like taking guitar lessons, voice lessons, dance lessons and yoga.

      An example of the response I’d get is when a play her a riff on the guitar I’ve just learned, she’d start going through her Facebook page or change the subject. The problem I have now is I ended up impressing the wrong woman. The other woman is proudly bragging to her friends about my accomplishments. To a man, nothing sounds sweeter. I have never been so flattered and I’m drawn to her. That is what the warning is about. I haven’t cheated but I’ve recently been tempted which causes a guilty feeling, which turns to resentment. It seems that woman, in general looks at men as simple creatures, just wanting sex or what is often seen on TV, men being incompetent boobs. The truth is men are just as complex as women and have needs too. I was going to send this link to my wife in hopes she’d get an understanding of my point of view. But, after viewing your post and many like it I’ve decided against it.

      1. Interesting, the way we look at the fact that divorces in the United States are the world’s highest, almost double the country in the number 2 spot, and eighty to 90% of those divorces in the US are initiated by the woman. Then when we look at arranged marriages in all other countries with a divorce rate between 2-4% it tells me something is definitely wrong. We don’t just have a bunch of bad men here.

        The stereotypical Hollywood example of marriage and sex based on “feelings” is obviously not working because feelings will come and go and we also go through seasons in life’s changes. Our feelings will change and so do all the Movie stars feelings in their own personal lives, which are a prime example and they have multiple marriages all based on their feeling “at the time”. We have successful, educated, men in the US wanting a mail order bride with the US already at a ratio of almost 2 women to every man here and these men are still choosing to look outside of the US for a wife?

        When visiting women from other countries come here. Many of those women comment on how “spoiled and self-absorbed” the American women are. Marriage counselors are seeing record number of women here in the US walking away from their perfectly good marriage and they’re calling these women I believe it’s “wandering women”. These same women after a year or 2 having an epiphany wonder what have I done; I’ve divorced a basically, perfectly good man (he’s human, just like her, he was faithful though).

        Hey both genders make mistakes. There’s a perfect balance and a perfect dance that’s all laid out in the Bible, but most people, even Christians, don’t want to obey God’s commandment for our roles and then we wonder why it’s not working and we start putting the “band aids” invented by men and women with the help of media, laws, groups, agendas to right a perceived wrong, when it would have corrected itself had we just followed God’s map for marriage in the Bible.

        Men are supposed to love their wives “unconditionally” which is a greater responsibility and women are supposed to respect their husbands “also unconditionally, because none of us earned our Salvation in Christ nor should we have to “earn” love or respect from our spouse. The feminist movement has taken the obey your husbands, as well as “submit to your husbands in everything (obviously not if it’s into sin) but in everything “allow” your husband to lead). This has been hugely countercultural today, because women don’t want to be doormats. Women are able to manipulate many men through sex, which is also a perversion and the whole “it’s my body” mentality that is so widely culturally accepted, which now men are starting to withhold sex from their wives for whatever reason, overweight, she’s not doing specific sexual acts, too tired, just don’t “feel like it” carrying out a selfish “me” manipulation. These women are embarrassed to tell their friends and even the counselors

        Once we get off track from God’s plan we’re putting Band-Aids on everything with both genders “looking for loopholes.” The pendulum has now swung to the other side from back when women were treated like chattel. A time and age that nobody wants to go back to and “re-live” for women. There is a woman who has released a book this year called “The Peaceful Wife.” She and many other women, some of them having been divorced or married for 20 years or more have completely changed their lives, their entire marriage for the better, never before ever realizing marriage could be this good. More and more women are becoming involved in the way God did plan for marriage to be and these women from the peaceful wife website and book, now with miraculous changes in their lives! One last thing, God tells us not to fear more than anything else in the Bible! Trust God!

  6. After reading many of the comments I see that the enemy pits us against each other in some kind of destructive competition. This kind of game though has no winners. We are all in this together and fundamentally want the same thing, to love and be loved. God bless everyone. Now go hug your spouse.

  7. I have been seeking answers and have prayed so hard and so long that my fear is that my husband will never see “Me”. I’m extremely attracted to him and even though I find myself trying to make excuses for the fact that he lies about going on dating sites or talking to other women (I have seen the messages and seen the little things around the house… lotion and towels, DVD’s that he has burnt and bought etc.) I feel that he thinks I’m so totally naive or not so bright. When I as a women want to be held or loved on and he has no excitement about “Us”, all I can do is cry inside because I know his expectations are what he sees on the web, be it porn or whatever it is.

    I never yell at him or make him feel as if he has done wrong. I just stay silent and hurting. I don’t ever want him to feel that I am beating him down as a man. Honestly it is so hard to not speak up because is is killing me inside to feel as if I’m not enough of a women for him and that tears me down as well. I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong or how to fix what is happening. I hate feeling as if I cant trust him because of all I have seen.

    1. Erika, I don’t know if your husband is a “player” where he likes the chase of playing with more than one woman, or if he’s caught up in an addiction, or if he’s just cheating because he can. Whatever the case, this is not about you “not being enough of a woman for him.” Please get that out of your head. It’s about him. He is cheating because he can. He is locked into “functional fixedness.” For as long as he figures this is working out for him, his way, he has no motivation to change –no motivation to find excitement in only you. The following article may explain a bit more about this: https://marriagemissions.com/why-doesnt-my-spouse-change-functional-fixedness/.

      I’m not sure why you don’t say anything to him, staying “silent and hurt.” He may need a bit of screaming to happen (and consequences, maybe even ultimatums) so gets stirred up to think he may lose you, so he stops this. He is a married man. That is not what he promised you on your wedding day, I’m sure –to keep you locked into your promise (silent and hurting), and yet for him to act like he is a single guy. Ericka, I’m concerned for you. He can bring home some type of disease and pass it onto you. We hear of this all the time (don’t think it wouldn’t happen to you)… and yet you are making this easier for him by not expecting him to be monogamous with you. He has quite the deal going. He can play, and you pay.

      If you want this to continue until he finds someone else (and the chances are VERY good that he will), then keep going on the way you are. But if you want this to change, then you need help. It may be good to contact the ministry of Focus on the Family — at focusonthefamily.com. They have counselors on staff that can direct you to others who could best help you in your area –someone who is marriage friendly, which I’m sure you would want. You need to get unstuck from this destructive behaviour –both on his part and yours. You deserve to be treated better by him than the way he is… please don’t continue down this dysfunctional path. It will ultimately lead to disaster one way or another. I pray you will hear what I’m saying and get the help you need –for your sake and his, and the sake of your marriage.

  8. My husband of 21 years sent me a copy of this article because he felt that I wasn’t giving him any affirmation at home. I know he probably receives much at work when he does something good or completes a project. At home when he does something I ask I always tell him thank you. He claims that it’s not what this article means. He wants me to praise him if he fixes something or replaces something. He said that for an example when he troubleshooted and fixed the pressure washer that I should have praised him. I didn’t even know that it needed fixed. Do I need to praise him when he completes a task of his own choosing? Why isn’t a simple thank you good enough when he does something I ask? I’m a stay at home mom so I don’t understand affirmation from a spouse. The affirmaion I receive comes from within myself knowing I’m trying to do the best for our kids. He knows that I appreciate that he works hard so I can be home to manage the house and our kids.

    I’ve always gotten up daily during the week and on weekends with our kids (even on mothers day since my husband told me that I wasn’t his mother). If I’m sick I’ve been told the world doesn’t revolve around me because I’m sick. Husband sleeps in to 9:30-10:30am every weekend because he said he deserves it for working hard. I do these things with no outside help and with no extended family. I cook, clean, do laundry run kids to all activities and appointments, run husband’s errands, assist with school projects and homework. Paint interior and exterior of house including climbing on roof to paint shutters. What I can physically reach with ladder I do. I cut, blow and edge lawn weekly and do all lawn maintenance like weed control myself. I trim trees with extend clippers, trim shrubs, spread mulch. My husband tells people he doesnt need a lawn service since he has me. I tear out carpet, tack strips and vinyl floors myself to prepare for installers. I’ve fixed our dishwasher and garbage disposal thanks to youtube videos. I do all snow removal too. I do so much more and I feel these things are over and beyond what most stay at home moms do. I just didn’t want anyone who reads this post and think that I have the luxury to stay at home. My job never ends. I don’t have sick days, vacation days, personal days or a 9-5 job. I love my kids with all my heart and I deal with this because of them. My husband – if you don’t receive affirmaion from my I’m sorry.

  9. I’m sorry but I wonder what the statistic are for how many women feel unappreciated at home compared to the amount of times we cheat on our husbands or complain about our job as a mom. I’d like to know those statistics. I think you will find they are higher on feeling unappreciated and lower on straying. I know my husband appreciates me and I feel I dote on my husband and he still needs more. Hey, I’ve got it hard too!

  10. This article is another slap in the face to married women, as if we don’t have enough to deal with already. LISTEN UP: If a man is looking elsewhere for attention—it is HIS problem. He can make all the excuses he wants, it is still HIS choice to look elsewhere. Wow, just what married women needed–another guilt trip put on us. GROW UP BOYS !!! And there are plenty of devious women out there who know how to spot a guy who is looking for it. Married women are some of the most unhappiest women on the planet–no wonder why.

  11. When his hand calls for it fine. If he’s a malignant-narcissistic-socio-psychopath, then, no. We don’t affirm, enable, or encourage that.

    1. You’re right. We don’t “enable or encourage” that, which is malignant, narcissistic, or socio psychopathic. That is an entirely different type of situation.

  12. Well, I think if a man is looking so much for affirmation that he will destroy his relationship with his wife, there is something wrong; he has not grown up to be a very confident, trustworthy or strong man. No one is perfect and men and women need to forgive one another, and not cheat to find affirmation.

  13. Love this article. Lots of great information here. And what it says about us men is right on point. Sad thing for me is, my wife knows all of this but still won’t even try to offer the kind of affirmation or encouragement that this article speaks of. She know these things. She also knows that this kind of information is out there.

    Problem is, she would never read this article or even seek this kind of information out. I’m a hard working, faithful guy. No cheating, non-abusive, good father too. Confident in my manhood, and my ability to please in bed. So what do I do? Again thanks for providing this good read. I guess one day I will have to figure this out.