“If both marriage partners agree, is anything taboo?” “What about the use of vibrators?” “Is oral sex okay?” [These are a few questions that Christian women asked about the sexual relationship in marriage from a survey that the authors conducted.] But at the heart of each of these questions were two concerns: What does God prohibit in the sexual relationship between a husband and wife? And concerning the marital bed, what does God permit? In other words, what is not okay in bed?
We read the Bible from Genesis to Revelation and compiled a list of every scriptural reference to sex. As we reviewed our list it became apparent that God gives tremendous sexual freedom within the marriage relationship. But God also sets forth some prohibitions that we must honor.
Concerning What’s NOT Okay in Bed
These are the ten things God forbids in and out of bed:
1. Fornication:
Fornication is immoral sex. It comes from the Greek word porneia which means “unclean.” This broad term includes sexual intercourse outside of marriage (1 Corinthians 7:2; 1 Thessalonians 4:3), sleeping with your stepmother (1 Corinthians 5:1), sex with a prostitute (1 Corinthians 6:13; 1 Corinthians 6:15-16), and adultery (Matthew 5:32).
2. Adultery:
Adultery, or sex with someone who is not your spouse, is a sin and was punishable in the Old Testament by death. (See: Leviticus 21:10.) In the New Testament, Jesus expanded adultery to mean not just physical acts, but emotional acts in the mind and heart (Matthew 5:28).
3. Homosexuality:
The Bible is very clear that for a man to have sex with a man or woman to have sex with a woman is detestable to God. (See: Leviticus 18:22; Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:27; 1 Corinthians 6:9.)
4. Impurity:
These are several Greek words which are translated as “impurity.” To become “impure” (in Greek, molvno) can mean to lose one’s virginity (Revelation 14:4). It can also mean to become defiled, due to living out a secular and essentially pagan lifestyle 1 Corinthians 6:9; 2 Corinthians 7:1). The Greek word rupos often refers to moral uncleanness in general (Revelation 22:11).
5. Orgies:
For a married couple to become involved in sex orgies with different couples is an obvious violation of (1), (2), and (4) and needs no discussion.
6. Prostitution:
Prostitution, which is paying for sex, is morally wrong and condemned throughout Scripture. (See: Leviticus 19:29, Deuteronomy 23:17; Proverbs 7:4-27.)
7. Lustful passions:
First, let us tell you what this does not mean. Lustful passion does not refer to the powerful, God-given sexual desire a husband and wife have for one another. Instead, it refers to an unrestrained, indiscriminate sexual desire for men or women other than the person’s marriage partner. (See: Mark 7:21-22; Ephesians 4:19.)
8. Sodomy:
In the Old Testament, sodomy refers to men lying with men. The English word means “Unnatural sexual intercourse, especially of one man with another or of a human being with an animal.” Unfortunately, some Christian teachers have erroneously equated sodomy with oral sex. In the Bible, sodomites refer to male homosexuals or temple prostitutes (both male and female). In contemporary usage, the term sodomy is sometimes used to describe anal intercourse between a man and woman. This is not the meaning of the biblical word.
9. Obscenity and coarse jokes:
In Ephesians 4:29, Paul says, “Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth.” The Greek word for unwholesome is very descriptive and literally mans “rotten” or “decaying.” In Ephesians 5:4, the Bible warns us to avoid “silly talk” or, as it is called in some versions, “coarse jesting.” We have all been around people who can see a sexual connotation in some innocent phrase and then begin to snicker or laugh. This is wrong. However, this does not rule out appropriate sexual humor in the privacy of marriage, but rather inappropriate sexual comments in a public setting.
10. Incest:
Incest, or sex with family members or relatives, is specifically forbidden in Scripture (Leviticus 18:7-18; Leviticus 20:11-21).
God leaves much in our sexual relationship with our husbands up to our discretion. In all likelihood, the questions tugging at the back of your mind were not even touched upon. When she read this list, Shelby commented: “It’s helpful to know what God says is wrong, but I still sometimes wonder if what my husband and I are doing is right. We have a great time together in bed, but every now and then, this nagging doubt comes—does God approve?”
To help you and all the Shelby’s, we will get more specific and address the questions we are constantly asked.
IS ORAL SEX PERMISSIBLE?
Clifford and Joyce Penner, in their excellent book The Gift of Sex, give this definition of oral sex: “Oral sex or oral stimulation is the stimulation of your partner’s genitals with your mouth, lips, and tongue. The man may stimulate the woman’s clitoris and the opening of the vagina with his tongue or the woman many pleasure the man’s penis with her mouth.” This sexual stimulation may or may not lead to orgasm for the husband and wife.
What does Scripture say about this sexual activity? Most theologians say the Scriptures are silent about oral-genital sex. Some believe two verses in the Song of Solomon may contain veiled references to oral sex.
The first is Song of Solomon 2:3:
Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest, so is my beloved among the young men. In his shade I took great delight and sat down, and his fruit was sweet to my taste.
Throughout the Song of Solomon, the word fruit refers to the male genitals. In biblical literature, fruit is sometimes equated with the male genitals or with semen; so it is possible that we have a faint and delicate reference to an oral genital caress.
The second possible veiled reference is found in Song of Solomon 4:16 (KJV):
Awake, O north wind; and come, thou south; blow upon my garden, that the spices thereof may flow out. Let my beloved come into his garden, and eat his pleasant fruits.
These erotic words spoken by Solomon’s bride are at the culmination of a very sensuous love scene. Shulamith asks her husband to blow on her garden (a poetic reference used throughout the Song for the vagina) and cause its spices to flow out. Of course one cannot be certain, but it is possible Shulamith is inviting her husband to excite her by caressing her with his mouth. She then invites him to enter her and feast on the pleasures waiting in her “garden.”
Dr. Douglas Rosenau believes Scripture is silent on the topic of oral sex. “This does not make it right or wrong,” he says. A key emphasis in the New Testament is Christian liberty. Nothing is unclean in itself, says Paul (Romans 14:14), and this presumably includes sexual variety. Lewis Smedes, professor of theology at Fuller Seminary, amplifies Paul’s statement about nothing being unclean.
He writes:
Christian liberty sets us free from culturally invented “moral” taboos; and since there is no rule from heaven, it is likely that the only restraint is the feeling of the other person. For example, if one partner has guilt feelings about oral sex play, the Christian response of the other will be to honor the partner until they adjust their feelings. On the other hand, if the partner has only aesthetic reservations, and if these are rooted in some fixed idea that sex is little more than a necessary evil anyway, they have an obligation to be taught, tenderly and lovingly, of the joys of sex in the freedom of Christ.
YOUR MARITAL BED: For the Husband and Wife Only
In Intended for Pleasure, Dr. and Mrs. Ed Wheat writes that oral sex is a matter for only the husband and wife involved. If both find it enjoyable and pleasant, then it may properly fit into the couple’s lovemaking practices. One goal of lovemaking is to fill a treasure trove of memories with delightful love experiences that will quicken your responses during your future times together.
One minister’s wife blushes happily as she recalls a memo her husband sent requesting her presence for an urgent “appointment.”
RUN DON’T WALK! YOU WON’T WANT TO MISS THIS EXCITING, DYNAMIC, RIPPING, SLEEP-DEFYING MEETING. Details follow: Would you like to have a meeting in the bathtub? (Loving massage and oral sex are included.) I love you, Your husband
Women Respond Differently in Bed Sexually
One woman might feel horrified by the above playful interchange between a husband and wife. To her, oral sex is repulsive. Another may think the minister and his wife have a gloriously free, creative, and fun sexual relationship. She sees that oral sex adds a beautiful dimension to this couple’s lovemaking.
Before we go any further, let us clarify our intent. Are we suggesting you incorporate oral sex into your love play? No. We are not making recommendations. Instead, our purpose is to set out for you what Scripture prohibits and to encourage you to seek God’s wisdom concerning His personal recommendations for your marriage.
Each couple is different.
Each husband and wife is unique. Because Scripture is either silent —or veiled —concerning this practice, the only way to discover what God allows for you is for you to ask Him. If you’ve never talked to God about your sexual relationship, now is a good time to start. You will not shock God. Remember, sex was His idea. God is a God of wisdom (Daniel 2:20). He promises that when we lack wisdom, if we ask Him, He will give it to us (James 1:5).
As you seek God’s wisdom, you might find it helpful to ask these three questions about any sexual practice you and your husband are considering.
Three Questions Concerning What is Allowed in the Marital Bed:
• Is it prohibited in Scripture? If not, we may assume it is permitted. “Everything is permissible for me” (1 Corinthians 6:12).
• Is it beneficial? Does the practice in any way harm the husband or wife or hinder the sexual relationship? If so, it should be rejected. “Everything is permissible for me—but not everything is beneficial” (1 Corinthians 6:12).
• Does it involve anyone else? Sexual activity is sanctioned by God for husband and wife only. If a sexual practice involves someone else or becomes public, it is wrong based on Hebrews 13:4, which warns us to keep the marriage bed undefiled.
Let’s see how these questions can help when it comes to making decisions about sexual practices that are not specifically spelled out in Scripture.
ARE VIBRATORS PERMISSIBLE?
Some couples enjoy incorporating the use of sexual aids such as vibrators into their lovemaking. To find out if the use of vibrator is right or wrong, let’s apply the three questions. Is the use of a vibrator prohibited by Scripture? Is a vibrator beneficial in lovemaking? Does the use of a vibrator involve anyone else?
As we look at the list of ten prohibitions, we see that there is no scriptural reference that would prohibit the use of a vibrator. So if a vibrator enhances a couple’s lovemaking and is used exclusively for the couple’s private enjoyment, then it is permitted. Does this mean we are suggesting you run out and buy a vibrator? No. Again, we are not recommending any sexual practice. We are only trying to help you discern what is best in your marriage as you seek the wisdom of God.
WHAT ABOUT X-RATED VIDEOS?
Obviously videos did not exist during biblical times, so we will not find “Thou shalt not watch X-rated videos” in Scriptures. (The same is true for vibrators.) But as we read through the list of the ten prohibitions, a red flag is raised. In number two on the list, adultery is defined as “looking on a woman to lust” whether the woman (or man) is on a video, in a picture, or in the living flesh. Secondly, number four on the list describes impurity as “moral uncleanness.” X-rated would qualify as “morally unclean,” thereby making them something God would disdain.
As far as what’s NOT okay in bed, let’s apply the questions:
• Are X-rated videos prohibited by Scripture? Yes, based on (2) and (4).
• Are X-rated videos beneficial? Anything that promotes “moral uncleanness” is not beneficial.
• Do X-rated videos involve someone else? Yes. You bring the man or woman on the video into your lovemaking.
Based on these answers, we could conclude that God wants us to stay away from X-rated videos. PLEASE NOTE: The following are a few linked articles that explain more about watching X-rated videos:
• READER QUESTION: Is Watching Porn Together Okay if We Both Agree?
• SHOULD MARRIED COUPLES USE PORN TO ENHANCE THEIR SEX LIFE?
We have considered three “gray areas,” oral sex, vibrators, and X-rated videos. There are many others. We encourage you and your husband to prayerfully seek God’s wisdom, study the list of ten prohibitions, and use the three questions to help you discern what to do in your specific situation.
Seek the Best
As Christians we are simultaneously free and responsible. We are responsible to seek the best of the one we love, to think more highly of him and his desires than our own (Philippians 2:3-4). But we are also free to explore new territories of sexual delight.
According to Dr. Lewis Smedes, “The Christian word on trying out a sexual practice that is not prohibited in Scripture is ‘Try it. If you like it, it is morally good for you. And it may well be that in providing new delight to each other; you will be adventuring into deeper experiences of love.'”
God has given you great freedom in your sexual relationship with your husband. Remember His words to Solomon and Shulamith: “Eat, friends, drink and be drunk with love!” (Song of Solomon 5:1)
This article comes from the book, Intimate Issues: Twenty-One Questions Christian Women Ask About Sex
— ALSO, As far as What’s Okay in Bed —
Below you will find several linked articles we encourage you to read. In reading them we believe you will know better what God does and doesn’t allow us to do sexually in bed and out of the bedroom:
• WHAT’S OKAY? AND WHAT’S NOT?
Filed under: Sexual Issues
(SOUTH AFRICA) What the pharisees used to love doing (check this out especially in Matthew 23), is to make more rules than the Bible makes and reinterpret Moses writings to make man-made rules biblical. I’m not calling anyone here a pharisee but I see the same characteristics taking place on the comment thread. I think the article articulates the Biblical principles well and no rule-making for one another needs to happen here.
(USA) I suppose what I was looking for was different. Does it matter if you have oral sex while your spouse is uncircumcised? Is that considered unclean? In my honest opinion, I never found in the Bible that says you cannot have oral sex so my main concern was hygiene. It’s not wrong, but is it poor hygiene?
It’s the mouth that is unclean. Unless a penis is diseased it as clean compared to a mouth. Vaginas are clean, too, once the menstrual fluids are out. A mouth contaminates a vagina, not the other way around, unless, again, the vagina has a disease. Fingers are nasty, especially under the nails, and should not be put in a vagina or handle the vulva. The mouth is on par with the anus for contamination. When a woman’s vagina or vulva is itching and burning, suspect the mouth that was against it or the fingers that were in it.
(COOK) I think that if it’s pleasing to the husband or wife oral sex is ok, for God said in his word that the man’s body belongs to his wife and the wife’s body belongs to her husband. That’s why I believe that when a man goes out of the marriage in a sexual way it’s a sin in God’s eyes because he’s no longer the head of his body; his wife is. (The reverse is true too.) I thank God for how free he has made love; pure is the word for it, so that a husband and wife can enjoy each other as they please.
(COOK) I think that oral sex is a wonderful thing between a husband and wife. What makes it nasty is how it’s being used in this worldly matter. God made sex for marriage. It’s not safe sex; he meant it’s save sex for marriage. That’s what makes it so pure. God says the man’s body belongs to his wife, and the wife’s body belongs to her husband. This is why it is sin to lust after someone with your eyes cause it’s the body that’s bringing that sense of taste to your mind.
God is good and everything he did was perfect, even sex. God made it very enjoyable for the married couple. I even think as Christians we should feel God’s hand in it and enjoy what God has given us.
(NIGERIA) I’m in agreement with the authors of this article. Sex within a consumated marriage under God is meant to be enjoyed. The scriptures says and the two shall become one flesh. Also Paul says in Corinthians that a husband have no right over his body but the wife does vice versa. Whatever the wife wants from her husband’s body he has no right except outside his body like third party, x-rated videos, etc but anything that is within the spouse’s body Paul addressed it to the Corinthian Church, learn from it. God bless you. (all quotations are paraphrased)
(UK) I find that God gave us all freedom to choose with particular prohibitions, and for us humans we tend to misinterpret some things in the bible and closet ourselves or hold back. And as some have said that oral sex is wrong etc, it is wrong maybe as your personal choice but I would rather have that freedom with my husband only and not have a person say this and that is wrong. Desire is purely open between man and wife. I would rather give as much love and pleasure to my husband so long as we both permit and have clear boundaries. Reading this gave me a clear out look and happier disposition towards Gods mercy, understanding and uncondional love to tell us before hand how certain things are and affects us. So im glad he gave sexual freedom in my marriage :)
(UK) I strongly feel that in God’s eyes, oral sex is wrong. It is no better than sodomy. Todays so-called Christians have been influenced by this world’s standards. In biblical times oral sex was thought of as unclean, and mostly practiced by homosexuals. This is a learnt behaviour and not a natural one.
A man’s penis is designed for the vagina not her mouth! This is very unhygienic, and the wrong use of our bodies. Just because people desire something, doesn’t make it right. Also, there’s a link between many cases of mouth cancer and oral sex. I bet most people in biblical times had not even heard of oral sex, so of course it’s not mentioned in scripture. The OT talks of the uncleaness of bodily fluids. Do you think were meant to swallow them? Just because Christians are not bound to those laws, doesn’t mean they can’t learn from it. We can’t disregard everything it says, or beastiality and rape would also become acceptable. Praise God with your mouth; don’t use it in such a perverse way. Anyone who does these things is not a Christian.
It’s very common for the vulva to be called a “vagina.” Many people are not familiar with the word “vulva.” They may know what it means when they read it but it’s not in their normal vocabulary. Some women don’t know where urine comes out of them.
Melanie, it has been within my adult life that these perverse practices were included in “the abominable and detestable crime against nature, whether with mankind or with beast, not to be named among Christians.” In the Bible, the apostle used the terms “akatharsia” and “aselgeia” to refer to such depravity that “was not to be named among Christians.” Corinth was noted throughout the known world as a hub of every kind of vice that could be imagined by the mind of men. When he used these terms, translated “impurity,” “uncleanness,” “filthiness,” “foul” (what is more unclean, filthy, and foul than putting a penis in an anus?), “lewdness,” “demonic,” “licentiousness,” “lasciviousness,” “wanton,” Paul assumed that the Christians there knew what was meant by “akatharsia” and “aselgeia.”
When we use words like “sodomy,” “impurity,” “licentiousness,” “lewdness,” we are not describing the actual behaviors. We went to the Romans for the words that literally mean the specific acts, for the Greeks, no prudes they, couldn’t quite bring themselves to say the acts of which they were so fond. They were “akatharsia,” having some remaining sense of propriety. The Romans were “aselgeia,” having no compunction about fornicating in the street.
For you ladies who refuse to give you husbands oral sex because you BELIEVE it is a sin, well, I feel sorry for your husbands.
(UNITED STATES) My wife and I have been enjoying each other for the past 18 yrs we’ve been married. Like everything else in life, oral/anal/vaginal sex is something that both of you need to discuss with each other.
For example, 6 years ago we tried anal sex. It was something that I wanted us to try and at first she wasn’t that keen on the idea, but we had an open and honest talk about why I wanted to try it with her and she decided that she was willing to try it for my sake to see if maybe she would enjoy it (it was something that she’d simply never really thought about). I did everything I could to make it comfortable for her but in the end it just wasn’t something she enjoyed so we decided that it wasn’t for us. Even though it didn’t work out for us like I might have hoped, she was glad that we tried it because it was her way of showing me that she was willing to try something new to make me happy.
She surprised me 2 years ago when she decided to try oral sex, something I’d thought about, but had never asked her for because I always thought that she’d be too grossed out by the idea of it since it wasn’t something her parents ever talked to her about in “the talk”. (I asked her for one, but not the other because I thought she’d be more grossed out by oral sex than anal sex, never said I was the brightest bulb…) It was a wonderful surprise for me and although she doesn’t want to be on the receiving end of oral sex, she’s more than willing to give it to me if I ask her (and sometimes I don’t even have to ask) and as a result we’ve enjoyed it on and off as part of our sex life since.
In the end because we were willing to talk about what we both wanted in our sex life and we both could find a middle ground that we both could enjoy, now our sex life is better than it ever was.
Sorry. But it’s one thing for a couple to talk about and do things in private. But it’s another to talk (boast) about it online (in public), which to me is wrong. We may not see you sex capades. But we’re invited into them (so to speak) when you give details or summaries. I think we need to learn to keep things scriptural instead of looking for excuses to do nasty things with one another. If a couple are both devoted to GOD and waiting patiently each and every day for the Spirit of Christ to purify their hearts, then they will be removed from Sin. Therefore, the love of lust will fade. And that alone should tell us how clean a marriage bed will be. If someone keeps looking for reasons to have anal sex, then that’s a sign that they aren’t receiving the faith of Christ.
I disagree, JoeM. Jeremy wasn’t boasting about his “sex capades” or giving inappropriate details. He was simply describing his experimentation with different kinds of sexual acts. Simply using the terminology “oral sex” and “anal sex” is not inappropriate. That’s the topic of this page. He’s simply adding real life examples to the discussion.
His point was that couples can innocently experiment within the marriage relationship. He said that one out of the two things he described worked for both of them. They were both sensitive to each other’s needs and desires. That’s a good thing. It all goes back to 1 Cor. 10 where Paul says “everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial.” There is tremendous freedom in God’s kingdom. It’s not like morality is relative, but one person may feel called to avoid certain kinds of sexual acts (or even other kinds of lifestyles), but another may feel free to enjoy them with a clear conscience. For you, remaining in God’s love and faithfulness may to avoid these kinds of acts because you are uncomfortable with it and it seems a perversion. That’s good. You ought to obey God’s voice to you. But it may be different for Jeremy. He may not feel God calling him to that.
In 1 Corinthians 10, Paul talks about eating food sacrificed to idols. He says that it was perfectly fine to do that unless you felt called not to do it because it would be going against your conscience or because it would cause a brother to stumble. This is a similar thing. The same can be applied to alcohol or certain kinds of lifestyles.
God is good. He leads each of us down different paths for our best benefit and the benefit of others around us. Because of that, we will all have different lifestyles. And that’s a good thing.
PTL! “All things are legal! Not all things edify!” Paul the apostle.
(USA) How many angels can dance on the head of a pin? Jesus came to set us free from the thousands of Mosaic laws and scrupulous Christians try to recreate the same; forever about sex. Please. It’s not about sex, it’s about love.
I too believe oral and anal sex are perverse. I refuse to allow my husband to perform oral on me and I will never perform on him. I work in the medical field and I know this is filthy. I felt convicted by the Holy Spirit that this was not right. People want to quote “let the marriage bed be honorable and be not defiled” but people fail to realize the marriage bed is defiled when we practice perverse sex that homosexual’s practice. Lets hear the testimony of those who practiced this in the bedroom and have paid a terrible price for this type of behavior. Don’t be surprised with the rise of anal and oral cancer in this generation. I work in the healthcare field and I’ve seen unbelievable things.
People, don’t forget, there is another strong biblical argument to think carfully about this type of behavior. Sex is to make new life. This will be impossible practicing oral and/or anal sex. The scriptural Onan was not right in the Eyes of the Lord when he wasted every time his semen, because he was only interested in lust.
The evidence that other than penis-in-vagina sex is physiologically “unclean” is mounting. Bacteria and yeasts that are benign, some beneficial, when in their usual location may be harmful, even dangerous, when they are introduced to other parts of the body. Certainly there are risks to normal p-i-v intercourse just as all of life has risks. But it is the natural form of sexual conduct.
My husband of 18 years likes role plays, making videos on his phone, taking pictures, oral, and even used a bannana a few times, if I would let him anal. I hate it. I feel so disgusting. If I say anything to him he gets mad and tells me that I’m boring and he’s just trying to spice things up. To avoid a fight and criticism I just do it hating every minute of it.
I believe this is more lust than love. He struggles with the spirit of lust he got when he was 12 when he saw his father’s porn. He has cheated on me twice while married and twice before we were married that I know of. I regret ever taking him back. He doesn’t think there is anything wrong with it since we are married. I can’t go to our pastor because he is my father. I’ve prayed about it asking the Holy Spirt to convict him. I think he does get convicted but denies it, because he will stop for a month or so but always goes back. I don’t even know if I love this man anymore. He has put me through so much emotionally and physically. He admits to having lust, has even read Every Man’s Battle. I’m really at a loss.
My first advice would be to find a spiritual mentor that you can talk to about anything – since feel you cant’ talk to your father about your relationship with your husband. Is there anyone else that you know whose opinion on the subject you would value? It, also, seems to me that you’ve been hurt so much by your husband’s cheating that it would be BIBLICAL (on account of “sexual immorality”) for you to divorce him. THAT you’d probably have to talk with your pastor/ father about, though – before you did it….
I agree with Tony. It is hard to deal with the sin of pornography, especially when you’ve been exposed to it at such a vulnerable and impressionable age. You and your husband need to seek wise Christian counsel. This is not something you can try and deal with by yourselves. This kind of sin needs to be brought into the light before it can heal.
The most important thing to God is the simple fact that a man and woman love each other and help each other through life together. Sex is a way to share each other in a way that you do not with the rest of the world. If your partner wants to explore parts of this world with you then you should enjoy it. That is why you are together. I do not believe it is acceptable to condemn and judge your partner for things (unless they really are horrible) and in that case you should leave. But wives and husbands whose spouses would like to explore oral or anal or anything else between two people is not only ok but who else to do things with? People who are too good or too judgmental often don’t realize not only parts of this world that God has given us but what better to share with your one partner more than one’s self?
Hi. This sexual question has become the separation of my marriage. My husband believes that anal sex is alright with God, and I was not sure. I think I may have been convicted from the Holy Spirit, but I am not totally sure. I was Christian before, but I wasn’t really living it or understanding it. I became convicted of not being married and having two children together etc… We were engaged and then we got married after my conviction. I then started questioning anal sex.
This is very important to my husband. He feels like it is a part of sex and it is denying to him if I were to refuse it. Like a rejection of some sort. He is still figuring out what Christianity is all about. I spoke to different pastors and got all different opinions on this matter, that it was wrong, or that is was right, or that it was grey. It has now created such a division between us and a mistrust. As I said, it was ok for Christians to do so, and then I changed my mind.
We are now separated and our two children will be in divided homes. I am very sad about this. I became a Christian and this sexual act that is not in the Bible has become what separated us. How do we know what is right or wrong? I just know that my family is broken and I do not know if I am right by refusing this sexual act and claiming it to be wrong with God.
I never knew it was so unclear to be a Christian. So unclear to know what is pure. I know we are suppose to love and please the other, but of course we are to love God above all including our own families. If there are any suggestions or wise words, it would be appreciated.
Hi, I am sorry to hear about your separation. I noticed however that you mentioned anal sex not being in the Bible, but it is. It is referred to as sodomy, and it is a deadly sin. It does not give an exception to married couples either. Go to biblegateway.com and type sodomy into the search bar since I cannot remember the passage just now, and it will bring up the passage for you. You were not wrong, even if it was permissible. No husband should coerce his wife to do anything she felt strongly against. Also, this should not be the driving force for a marriage to become divided, so I am very sorry to hear that it was. I will pray that things turn around for you and your family. God bless you.
“I noticed however that you mentioned anal sex not being in the Bible, but it is. It is referred to as sodomy, and it is a deadly sin.”
Question: “What does the Bible say about anal sex? What is sodomy according to the Bible?”
Answer: There is no overt mention of anal sex in the Bible. In the account of Sodom and Gomorrah in Genesis 19, a large group of men sought to gang rape two angels who had taken the form of men. The reasonable presumption is that the men of Sodom wanted to have forcible anal sex with the angels. The men’s homosexual lust is obvious, but again, anal sex is not mentioned in the passage. The words sodomy and sodomize come from this biblical account. Sodomy is, literally, “the sin of Sodom.”
In modern language, the term sodomy has acquired a broader definition than what is biblically warranted. Today, “sodomy” often refers to any form of non-penile/vaginal sexual act, which includes anal sex and oral sex. If the biblical text is used as the basis for the definition, though, “sodomy” cannot include oral sex or, technically, even anal sex. The strict understanding of sodomy, based solely on the events of Genesis 19, would have to be “forcible anal sex, with one male raping another male anally.”
The Bible clearly and explicitly condemns this as an immoral and unnatural sin (Leviticus 18:22; 20:13; Romans 1:26-27; 1 Corinthians 6:9). And the Bible strongly condemns rape, as well (Deuteronomy 22:25-27). So, clearly, the Bible condemns sodomy in the sense of male rape. The more difficult question is whether the Bible condemns all anal sex.
Ultimately, our answer is the same as our answer for “What does the Bible say about oral sex?” Outside of marriage, all forms of sex, including anal sex, are sinful and immoral. Since the Bible nowhere condemns, or even mentions, anal sex within the confines of marriage, it would appear that anal sex falls within the “mutual consent” principle (1 Corinthians 7:5). Whatever is done sexually should be fully agreed on between the husband and his wife. Neither husband nor wife should be coerced into doing something he/she is not absolutely comfortable with. If anal sex occurs within the confines of marriage, by mutual consent, then there is no clear biblical reason for declaring it to be sin.
In summary, the word sodomy does not occur in the Bible, although it does originate from a place name in the Bible. The specific sin of Genesis 19 was forcible anal rape of a man by another man. This passage does not concern marital relations. Anal sex between a husband and wife, within the confines of marriage, in the spirit of mutual consent, cannot be definitively categorized as a sin.
I’m so sorry to hear about your separation. If you all are interested in repairing your relationship, you should seek wise Christian counsel together. As far as whether it’s okay or not, I think that according to 1 Corinthians 10, it’s permissible, but if it’s uncomfortable to you or you don’t feel edified by it, then it may not be appropriate for your marriage. Sex is the most intimate and vulnerable act you can do with someone. Both partners need to be in agreement about the acts they do, otherwise the relationship can become deeply damaged. Seek out a pastor or Christian counseling center that knows about sexuality and marriage. They may be able to help you. I pray God heals where you and your family have been broken. God bless you.
Even if one looks at natural design, without having to even be a Christian, it is clear that the anal passage was not designed for sexual intercourse. It does not have the ability to lubricate itself like the female sexual organs do, for one thing. The anal passage cannot climax. It cannot direct the male seed to the female egg. here is no means of travel to the uterus for the implantation of new life. And it is for the eliminaton of feces.
Sex is for pleasure, for bonding and for the creation of new life. So a woman who does not want to do this with her husband is not “boring” and her husband is not just ‘trying to spice things up” as this man claims. In this case at least, this husband is sexually abusing his wife by forcing her into practices she is clearly uncomfortable with and he is ignoring her feelings of violation as well. That is not love, it is lust and perversion on his part not to mention extremely cruel.
Lust is about self gratification at the expense of the partner and can’t exist in a marriage as anywhere else. Even a practice that in itself is not wrong in any way should not ever be forced nor should anyone devalue their partner on the basis of their not wanting to do it. When one partner wants out of the marriage because he “isn’t getting anal sex”, that sounds very selfish. Even if one could argue that the dude thinks its part of sex and so is reasoning that he is being denied something legitimate, it is still very self focused behaviour. As in I want what I want and if I don’t get it I am out of here.
This poor woman. Sadly many Christians would shame her and tell her she had to continue to work on a marriage with a man who is selfishly unrepentant and acting like a spoiled adolescent, rather than the men of the church getting in his face about his lack of maniliess and his merciless selfishness towards his wife.
On the flip side in case anyone is wondering, the extreme polar oppsite can exist; frigidiity. No pun intended but hey…If a woman has been abused and has sexual issues, say for instance, she sees sex as dirty and an unpleasant but necessary evil that is her marital duty to endure; of course a man should make real efforts to help her with it and be patient and understanding. This could take a couple of years. However, that’s no excuse for not actually dealing with the problem.
There a difference between not being able to have sex (severe injury, husband got hit where it counts by a steel beam at work, wife has severe scarring due to a botched surgery, what have you). It is unfair for a man to be consigned to endless servanthood to a woman who refuses to sleep with him and isn’t willing to truly try to overcome the problem either. THIS IS IN NO WAY PERMISSION FOR SELFISH, BESTIAL AND ABUSIVE HUSBANDS TO TWIST MY WORDS INTO AN EXCUSE FOR POWER AND PRESSURE TRIPS ON THEIR WIVES SEXUALLY!!
There may be however a time when it is necessary to insist that we find ways of meeting each other’s sexual needs or that we go for counselling. I don’t believe we are saved so we can be comfortable with remaining broken or damaged in our lives. I believe the puritans even permitted divorce in marriages where continual defrauding took place. And equally for cruelty. So while not ever abusing or forcing sexually is right, so is a healthy insistence, IF truly rooted in a desire for a real relationship and NOT just a demand for self gratification, that real progress is made towards solving the problem that does truly exist.
When one becomes accustomed to fellatio and cunnilingus, natural sexual intercourse is reduced in excitement similarly to what addiction to masturbation.
Is it immoral for me and my wife to stimulate each other’s anal area with fingers or vibrator with no penis penetration?
We don’t see that this is a problem at all AS LONG AS you and your wife are in agreement that this is okay with both of you. There is no other person involved either visibly, or physically, so why not? This is YOUR marriage bed and both of you are in agreement to please each other, so it seems that this could enhance your intimacy, rather than be problematic.
My husband has been watching men have sex with men. Is he gay?
Any kind of porn is wrong. The spirit of homosexuality is sweeping across our country and seeking to overtake as many as possible. We must take every thought and bring it into captivity and make it obedient to Christ.
If people’s thinking is controlled by the sinful self, there is death. But if their thinking is controlled by the Spirit, there is life and peace. Romans 8:6 One can commit adultery just by looking, it’s not okay to be aroused by someone else. This is what porn is set out to do aroused/ and put lust in someone’s heart and mind. It’s a crafty setup and your husband must cast these imaginations down by the authority Jesus gave us.
In Luke 10:19 reading from a plain version the NCV, listen, I have given you power to walk on snakes and scorpions, power that is greater than the enemy has. So nothing will hurt you. Also let him know that 2 Tim 2:5 says no athlete is crowned unless he competes according to the rules (commands).
I pray in the name of Jesus that your husband will take heed to the Word of God because he means every word. 1 John 1:9 says but if we confess our sins he is faithful and just to forgive us. I pray your husband will confess his sin to God and turn from it and I pray that he will walk upright worthy of the call where with we have been called to. In Jesus name, Amen. God bless you and yours.
This is very important good stuff here. I am a 44 year old married male and this really helps me know what to do. And yes your husband is gay curious or has gay tendencies if he enjoys gay porn.