“Five thousand American women enter it every day. No, it’s not a day spa. Nor is it an outpatient clinic for plastic surgery. And it’s certainly not optional —although many options exist for dealing with it. It’s menopause —often referred to as The Big M. Over the generations it’s been called The Change of Life —for more reasons than one.
“For many women, menopause comes abruptly, far sooner than 51. The average age of the body’s natural cessation of menses—due to the six thousand hysterectomies performed in the U.S. each year. For the rest, this unavoidable rite of passage often sneaks up after a six-month to ten-year hormonal time warp called peri-menopause” (Ronna Synder, from Todayschristianwoman.com article “Managing Menopause”).
MENOPAUSE: Reality Hits Hard
If you’re a husband reading what Ronna wrote, it can be a real slap of reality. One year, one month, one week, one day seems too long to go through this. And yet, many of you know, this is just the beginning of a long season. It’s a very long, long season of difficulties, for your wife and for you!
We wish that marriages could come with a manual on “what to do if…” but unfortunately they don’t.
However, we live in a time where we aren’t left entirely alone as far as not having any information available to help us! Many people have lived through a few things and have learned through a few things. Fortunately, they are willing to pass on to others (such as ourselves) what they have learned.
And that applies to the subject of Menopause. How do you survive this transition of life and help your wife the best way you can? There’s no “one-size-fits-all” answer to that, but author Lois Mowday Rabey wrote an article that might help you in some way with that dilemma.
Survival Reading
Below you will find a link to the helpful web site of Family Life Today. On their web site they have posted the following article for your reading pleasure. Or maybe we should say, it’s for your “survival.”
As you read through this linked article ask God to show you what information you can apply to your marriage:
• WHAT WIVES WISH THEIR HUSBANDS KNEW ABOUT MENOPAUSE
ALSO, CONCERNING MENOPAUSE:
Below is a link to a blog where a husband asks the following question:
Question:
My wife is going through menopause and I am feeling kicked out of a relationship that I really want. She doesn’t want physical contact, most of the time. The sex drive is less than off. She thinks that is all I think about. But it has been nearly year and a half. I am 11 years younger and need some advice.
Please click onto the Dailystrength.org link provided below to read more:
• WOMEN: I Need Your Help and Advice
And then, below you’ll find something written by Paul Byerly. It is posted on The-generous-Husband.com web site. I’m thinking that the insights Paul gives will be helpful:
For those of you who truly want to help your wife, the following advice comes from the Todays Christian Woman article titled, “Managing Menopause.” It is written by Ronna Snyder. I sure wish I would have had this info when I was going through Menopause. It’s difficult to find info that addresses spiritual issues, as well as physical and emotional ones. It is also inspiring to read.
Here’s a Sneak Preview:
“Get a Meno MAKEOVER:
Since I saw a number of my peers wilting at this stage of life, I decided to head full-tilt into it—literally. I followed an older meno-mentor’s example and bought a Harley-Davidson. I got a treadmill and began actually using it. Also, I revamped my wardrobe, makeup, and hairstyle, peeling off a few extra years and infusing myself with confidence. And I wasn’t shy about telling my husband and family what I was going through. This helped them become more supportive.
“I purposely deleted energy-robbing (including some church and Bible study) responsibilities from my calendar. I added naps to my to-do list, and bulked up on complex carbs and low-fat proteins, dropping ten pounds in the process. But most importantly, I sought out friends —both old and new. These are friends who had youthful, positive attitudes, yet wise spiritual values that helped me remember I still could make an eternal impact for God’s Kingdom. It didn’t matter whether or not I was peri-menopausal!”
That’s great advice —something your wife may find inspiring.
Above all, I hope and pray that you and your wife can both hold on and partner with each other to get yourselves through this season of marriage. Please know that it is a season. It won’t last forever.
Looking Back
Being on the other side of this, I look back and wonder, “What WAS that?” Thank God it didn’t last forever. It seemed like it would (for both of us), but it didn’t.
I thank God we were able to hold onto each other through some really tough times during that season. Every marriage goes through storms. And this definitely was a stormy time… a long one. But it’s one of those seasons that is important to persevere through, as God can lead you. The Bible talks about the importance of persevering. It’s best for us all to remember that.
I also thank God for the grace that my husband gave me during this time. As I wrote before, we are on the other side of this season. I appreciate it more than I could ever express that my husband extended grace when I’m sure he wanted to do just the opposite. He hugged me when I wasn’t very huggable, and sympathized with me when I needed it. He found ways to make me laugh when it was needed. Steve also gave me grace —extending unmerited favor over and over again. Oh how I love that man for doing that for me.
And oh how much more wonderful our marriage is than it ever has been before. We weathered this together (as we’ve weathered other tough issues). And what we’ve found is that we’re all the more rich for it.
We have some dear friends who also have “weathered” the Menopause storm. We encourage husbands and wives to read: MENOPAUSE: A Season We Didn’t See Coming.
I Pray for You
I pray you will get to this place too.
“May the Lord direct your heart into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.” (2 Thessalonians 3:5)
“And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ —to the glory and praise of God.” (Philippians 1:9-11)
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this blog.
If you have additional tips you can share to help others, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: For Married Men Mental and Physical Health
(AMERICA) I don’t how to deal with my wife having menopause. What do I do?
(USA) As far as knowing what to do, that’s hard. Maybe it’s easier to think of the things you shouldn’t do. Don’t pressure her into answering you or coming up with solutions fast. Don’t do anything that might make her feel like you don’t care. Don’t let her think your perception of her has changed in any way. Don’t think or let her think that it’s the end of the world, but simply a part of life, that everyone goes through, and we can too.
This is a time in your life to treat that person very gently, carefully and with the greatest of love. I don’t know what works. I know what does not work. I was not careful. My wife just ended our relationship about an hour ago.
(USA) Scott, My prayers are with you! Jay
(TINBUKTU) I have to say in all honesty that I am also going through pre-menopause. Regarding relationships, I am no expert but I will say one thing: without love, you don’t have much, the sex is just a part of it all. The greater picture is that if you have a marraige that was based on sex first and lacks the kindness and respect throughout, then the sex is a give and it will subside into no gear. If this is true for you, you may not know what true love is, and if your sense of rejection is based on your errection, you need a re-evaluation of yourself.
(USA) Hi Joe, Aside from the article mentioned above (which I assumed you already read) there are a lot of articles out there on menopause that discuss the physical and emotional side-effects of menopause. You might want to start with webmd.com and wikipedia.com and then, also, just do a google search as well to find articles that talk about how to deal with a woman/spouse going through menopause.
I’m in my 30’s so I’m not at that phase yet but I do think that part of it is the body’s way of being the "official" end of youth (although I thought that about getting my first gray hair years ago) and so some women have a more difficult time with it than others.
And because it’s such a radical physical change, some women don’t even know how to deal with themselves, let alone how to suggest to others how to deal with them. You should find as many helpful articles as you can, I believe the information you are seeking is out there and maybe even consider a book or two. You might also want to share the resources you find with your wife. God bless, LT
(USA) Hi Joe, You and your wife have my sympathies! Having gone through Menopause, I can tell you it is a real battle! Sometimes it’s all a woman can do to try to react in sane ways. Even SHE doesn’t want to be in the same room with herself at times.
I had to go through it “cold turkey” without any hormonal help because of my propensity towards cancer. And natural hormones don’t work for me either. But with a lot of prayer, gritting my teeth, biting my tongue, and having a very supportive husband, we made it through the worst of times. I guess when the wedding vow says, “For better or worse”, you could say the menopausal time is one of the worst — for all concerned!
Like LT said, it would be good to go on an aggressive search for information. Whenever there is a problem in one of your lives (or both, as in this case), it should become your mission to find ways to work through it. Persevere, as the Bible tells you!
I’m not sure if your wife would want you to share the information with her or not. Some women would be threatened by that. I wouldn’t have been. But every woman is different.
But if she sees you trying to learn about it, tell her that you want to be her partner in trying to make this transition as easy as possible for her. Tell her that you have heard that it is a very difficult time for a woman to go through and you want to make sure that you are as supportive as possible, and gathering information will help you to do that. Then you can ask her if she wants you to make copies of anything you find out. Let it be her option.
Most of all, this will be a time when she needs your unconditional love — to love the “unlovely”. If she’s going overboard emotionally and is doing some things that are extreme, try to speak the “truth in love” so she doesn’t live with too many regrets. But also be willing to be a soft shoulder to fall on and have arms that are open to hug her when she needs it. (I know this can be difficult for many men to think of, but trust me, it is very, very helpful for a woman to have this.)
Don’t look for a way to escape, but try to be Christ with skin on for her. Usually when we feel like we’re under attack, we try to find a way out of it, rather than persevering through it. But realize that it won’t last forever (even if it seems like it). If you keep praying for her and with her and for yourself, that you would treat her “as unto the Lord”, you will get through this time and come out stronger in so many ways.
I pray the Lord helps you and guides you and gives you the abundant wisdom and supernatural strength you need! May God be merciful to both of you through this time!
(USA) Hello, I really need help. My wife Janet and I have been married since 1980, have four beautiful daughters and two grandchildren, and our relationship throughout our marriage has been wonderful– physically, emotionally, spiritually. She will turn 50 this year; I will be 55. She began going through menopause in 2008 and everything changed. Now, she won’t even hug me or kiss me goodnight, much less show any interest in a deeper intimacy. She says she loves me, but I feel so alone now.
Could this be a symptom of her going through menopause? Is "going through menopause" a permanent thing, to last for the rest of her life? Please advise me as to what to do, or at least where to start looking for help. Thank you.
(USA) I have read about menopause and supporting my wife during this rough time until I am blue in the face. My wife is 38 and going through the "change". I have been what I think is very supportive and understanding during this time. What I don’t understand is why we (the men) have to simply take a step back and let the woman get all the sympathy. I have lost my wife! She is not the same woman that I married. I love her very much, but her not having any time for me and my needs is really starting to wear on me. I sometimes sleep on the couch, because when I lay in bed with her all I can think about is why can she not show me the love and affection that I am giving her. I’m 37 and I still have emotional and physical needs, but none of that seems to matter to her or to any article that I have read. What are we (men) supposed to do? Do we just sit back and pretend that everything will get better on of these days? Do we have to continue to live alone and miserable until this passes? I’m emotionally tired and I am near the giving up point. What should I do?
(US) I try to read all the articles I can about menopause to either try to understand or see someone in the exact situation.
This is the 3rd marriage for both of us. I truly had found my soulmate when I met my wife, never thought I would ever stand a chance to ever be with her long term, but we connected. As a woman, she satisfied every desire and feeling a man could ever want or dream of. I can still just close my eyes and become aroused at her beauty and the responsiveness she gave to me. I never, ever felt the desire to look at another woman, cause I had it all, right there next to me.
After 11 years together she still takes my breath away when I hold her close. Then bang it hits menopause, I can’t see her naked, she rarely touches me, no more oral sex (love doing it to her, and don’t expect it back), nothing, total lack of desire, no response when the rare opportunity comes along and little or no desire to even try. As you tell from the comments above I love this woman more then my 50% in our relationship and would give her the world. What does a man do to keep his self esteem? I sometimes think that a few hours now and then with another woman –just to see her naked and feel some passion, would get me through this, if in fact there is an end. Any advice.
(PA) I am 38 and my wife is 42. I was searching the web to find out what to do. My wife is pre-menopausal. She is distant and doesn’t understand my desire for intimacy. She thinks I should be able to wait and not expect it.
We have had a good sex life. In the last year it has gone from 3 times a wk to 3 times a month. I’ve been satisfying myself, but I feel guilty, because I’m a man of God. I haven’t been with another women, neither do I plan to. It’s just difficult, because I’ve always been the giving one emotionally and it seems that I have to give more. I’m going to start some counseling (which I really can’t afford right now, but I have to do something because I feel alone and angry.)
(CANADA) I am a 58 year old male my wife is 54 and going through menopause. She is acting really weird. She has had sexual conversations with a man on line. I am deeply hurt. I want her to have no further contact with him –no emails, no private chats. She says yes to that but still wants to have contact in pogo poker rooms which is where they met. I love my wife dearly. She is my life and I don’t wish to lose her.
She is away visiting a friend now and we have only talked about this by phone. There is talk from both of us about splitting up which scares me to death. I only found out about this affair after she left on her trip. I try to console myself that it wasn’t really sex, just talk, but it is driving me crazy. She won’t be home for two more days and I am in bad shape. Nights are the worst. I am totally alone then with no one to talk to. Crazy thoughts go round my mind (not about hurting myself) but what else is going on behind my back? I really need advice on how to deal with her when she comes home.
(USA) My lovely English wife has gone off with another guy because of this menopause crap. She was just online and bam, 5 kids, Christian home unbelievable! I AM LIVING IN A CHRISTIAN MEN’S HOUSE. She got everything. Obviously I am another pathetic Christian statistic, sorry. Let me know when you figure it out. HOWEVER, I AM MOVING ON.
(CANADA) Our entire culture is based upon the male dealing with this normal transition. Every solution is based upon making the female gender comfortable with absolute and total disregards to males. The total cop out and disregard for the male gender will eventually totally destroy the possibilities of marriages surviving beyond this adjustment period. Receiving hormone treatment or psychological counciling is portrayed in the media as something the male gender is generally not worthy of.
Why even bother getting married? It’s a no win situation that ultimately favors the apparent severe suffering that that the extremely fragile and not ready for prime time females have to eventually go through??? The whole idea that something women have gone through since the dawn of time is now the one and only most important phase of a relationship is going to destroy any resemblance of marriage. The human race is ceasing to evolve in any positive manner.
(CANADA) Give me a break Mark! Where do you get off? No don’t tell me! When you wrote your comment were you in the middle of telling your wife that you are thinking of getting a mistress because she isn’t there for little, old YOU! Believe me if a little Blue pill could fix things for my husband and I then I’d be taking them. So stop because as far as I know it’s still a man’s world.
Maria has broken the rules of engagement: No name calling, crude or profane language, no hurtful comments targeted at belittling others. Mark was venting vomit, but authentic none the less realistic human male feelings feelings, which most Christian men couldn’t formulate in their legalism. But he never mentions a mistress. Her crass “Where do you get off? No don’t tell me” illicit insinuation displays her vulgar NOT-Christ centerd heart. She’s a strong woman with a foolish heart! She’s FIRED for initiating this base level communication to a very sensitive and rare online mancave to sort out genuine Christian authenticity.
(U.S.) Jim, I did that to my husband! Not a happy moment in our lives! Months have passed since that situation but memory still there. I went on FB and found an old friend, well you know the rest! Did not become physical but very friendly. My hub and I are together but don’t think there was a resolution. Never spoke about the why it happened. I’ll tell you, I felt pushed aside, unimportant, not sexually desired. I was losing the part of myself that made me feel alive.
Sex to me is not just about let’s go jump in the bed but about the mentally turned on. I had felt hurt for a long time and had given up on the passion I once had. I didn’t want a divorce, I have children and am very devoted to & their upbringing. Talking about it may be too touchy of a subject. My weight may be a reason why he stays away from me. He dislikes big women. My seclusion only makes me not care about self. Still together but still worlds apart! Maybe someday I’ll lose the weight…
(USA) Good Lord, she is having an affair. Confront her and talk about this You have some serious issues. Pray and get counseling from a preacher if you cannot afford it. Don’t let this continue; you will be sorry.
(USA) Jim, we (Marriage Missions) have some help for you to start dealing with this. In fact, because you live in Canada you have access to one of the BEST possible resources. Go back to our web site and go into the section, “Marriage Counseling.” Then go into the “Links and Resources.” Scroll down until you see “Focus On The Family Counselor Referrals.” Then, look at the bottom of that and you’ll see, “Canada.” Click on that and once your on their web site go to the top of the home page and click on “Contact.”
Fill out the information and submit it and they will contact you within a few days. They have a lot of experience in dealing with your particular situation, Jim.
Another GREAT resource could be http://www.focusonthefamily.ca because they also deal with a lot of these types of issues.
You should get some good counsel and help in how to communicate with your wife. You may also get some ideas from others who monitor this BLOG. We’ll be praying for you and believing that God will open the eyes of your wife’s heart so she can see the pain and hurt her behavior is causing you. Blessings! Steve Wright
(USA) Hello, my girlfriend and I have been together for 12 years and have a 5 year old girl. I’m 29 and shes 41. First of all I LOVE MY GIRLFRIEND and I try and do show her and tell her every day how much I love her. We love to spend time together but now it is not the same. The change is really getting to her and I know that she has sex with me without wanting to and that huts me emotionally.
I try to understand her and I do but there are times when I really need her and the “I don’t want to” really hurts me. I give her rubs constantly and I constantly on a daily basis tell her I love her and that she’s the most beautiful thing that God created. I really love her and will always stay by her side no matter what. I just don’t know what to do sometimes…
(ENGLAND) Menopause is a hard battle I agree. Some days I feel like a complete wreck, another day I feel like I could run a marathon I wished. Men must find it hard to handle the mood swings etc, but maybe they should find out more about this once taboo subject. There is plenty of information out there. Instead of harping on about lack of sex etc they should think how the woman feel’s as well.
I’m not saying all men are like this but this old chestnut about their wives not wanting sex anymore does get annoying. Of course it is important but isn’t it quality not quantity that matters? Chaps, be grateful for what you get. Relationships aren’t easy. I know that but there are other things to consider, loyalty, warm and friendship for instance.
(USA) Has this women thought through any of this? If sex were simply an orgasm, we would not even need wives. Is this obscure? I have understanding about a woman’s needs but have no time for the double standard. Sex is like the security we try to provide. If I decided to withhold that need whenever I felt like it I wouldn’t last a month.
Men are the simplest non-animal on the planet. Have the same rules for both sides of the equation. Tim
(UNITED STATES) I am totally in agreement with you! It has been six months of no-contact between my wife and I. She’s been asking me for months “What do you do for me?” So finally the other night I had enough and told her just a small amount of the hundreds of things and sacrifices I have made for her. I can’t believe she would even ask! They are obvious.
Well, that didn’t go over well but I think it did at least bring her into reality a bit. Still no sexual contact but we have been getting along better. I want this marriage to work so bad! I am approached often by women who don’t know me but so far have not strayed. I don’t want to! I love my wife! At this point I would be satisfied with even one night of romance a month! I know she’s going through a lot and I try daily to help her with it but geez please if she could give me just a small portion of what I’m giving her! Something to show that she gives a hoot.
(USA) Paul, You are entering into one of the most challenging periods in your marriage. My wife and I have been going through this for over a year now and, if you have read all the posts from everyone, you will know how difficult and confusing this time is. In my sitiuation, I wish my wife would admit to what is going on and be proactive in dealing with her change (and I would be there supporting her all the way). Try to be patient and take the high road in the face of all her hostility. This is very, very hard.
Learn all you can about what is happening to her and what you can do to help. When you do something for her, do not expect anything in return but know that you are doing what is right. Pray for her and yourself. This is a time of sacrifice for you… there is no other way around it if you are choosing to stay and get through this. Your friend in Christ, Jay
(USA) My wife is 39 and has been having menopausal symptoms for two years now. I have dealt with everything from crazy, irrational behavior to low self esteem, anxiety and depression. Where’s my drug? I’m tired of being the punching bag for the bag. The jekyl/hyde personality change is enough to drive anyone to the brink. I have felt like killing her one night and then the next day I am the greatest thing since sliced bread. I can’t handle the ups and downs anymore. Who is she? Who am I?
I try to lead my family, but it turns into a battle when her seretonin or estrogen is flowing (or not). All of a sudden she is the one with a set of balls and I want to quit. I am committed to my family and am not looking for a replacement 22 year old hottie. I would never sign up for this again! Any suggestions would be great.
(UNITED STATES) Remember, sometimes you have to roll with it and realize it is something she has no control over.
(UK) Is that not the problem believing that women have no control over the menopause? Surely we are responsible for our actions whether hormones are involved or not??? I would like to know what support there is for men who are often accused of being insensitive, uncaring and BLAMED for the way the women feels when they do not accept hormonal changes because they believe it’s your fault. Very frustrated???
Hi Brian, I just want you and the other men who have visited this topic on this web site, to know that I am praying for you. Your quest in finding answers and in dealing with this issue in as godly of a manner as possible has not gone unnoticed. God has put you upon my heart to pray for you. I realize that this is a very, very difficult situation to deal with.
This morning, upon waking up, the scripture came to mind (Galatians 2:20) to give to you and to those who are suffering in the confusion and chaos of your wife’s menopause, “I am crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave Himself for me.” Please know that this does not erase any wife’s wrong actions, but it is a goal to keep in mind and reach for.
I also want you to know that I found another article to link to in the one posted above (plus, fixed one of the links that was broken so you can read it), so there is at least a little more information for you to prayerfully consider.
Brian, I don’t have all the answers to this. I just know as a woman who went through menopause (and couldn’t take drugs to help me because of breast cancer problems), that what many wives go through during this season of life, is a type of horror story. If my husband would have seen the chaos inside of me that I didn’t let him see, he would have been frightened. I was frightened at times and confused. I didn’t want to be in my body at times, but I couldn’t escape to another room (like my husband could). At times it was like this power surge goes on inside where an alien tries to take over and you are trying to fight it, and yet you feel powerless to do so. This doesn’t make it any easier for the wife or the husband –I’m just telling you what goes on. And for women who don’t acknowledge their behavior and point to their husband as the “problem”… well, what can I say? It’s wrong. It’s also what has been happening since the Garden of Eden. Sin does abound.
Beyond the added articles I just linked to above, and praying for you, a few other things come to mind to give to you. I hope in some way they will help. The first is to recommend a seminar, if you can find a way to go to it. You can find a link to it in the “Marriage Enrichment” topic under the “Links and Recommended Resources” part of it. The seminar is called “Love and Respect” with Emerson Eggerichs. It is POWERFUL! It helps husbands and wives get off the crazy cycle of conflict that is going round and round and no one knows how to get off of it. I can’t recommend it highly enough. It helped us and me to better understand what my husband needs from me in giving him respect… and for him in giving me love, as I need it. Menopause steps up these needs, for sure!
Also, I encourage you to work together (NOT at a conflict time) on boundaries you can put into place if things get volatile. Marriage is not about being involved in a free-for-all. If you feel like doing something, you just go ahead and do it or blurt it out. It’s about working together in partnership to honor each other and help each other. It’s about talking AND listening. When hormones are surging, it’s not the best time to try to resolve conflict but to take a break and revisit the issue when things calm down. We have many tools for this on this web site. And there is the book titled, Boundaries in Marriage
that might help you, as well. I’m not sure, but it’s a thought.
And last, a few things came to mind to give to you and the guys, to prayerfully consider. Something that Paul Tripp wrote in his book, What Did You Expect?: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage
comes to mind to give you. He wrote, “Our desire is that our marriages would be the location of our comfort, ease, and enjoyment; we often have desires no bigger than this. But God’s purpose is that each of our marriages would be a tool for something that is way more miraculous and glorious than our tiny, little, self-focused definition of happiness. He has designed marriage to be one of his most effective and efficient tools of personal holiness. He has designed your marriage to change YOU.”
There is something that Gary Thomas wrote in his excellent book, Sacred Marriage
that kind of goes along this same theme. He asked the questions, “What if God didn’t design marriage to be ‘easier?’ What if God had an end in mind that went beyond our happiness, our comfort, and our desire to be infatuated and happy as if the world were a perfect place? What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?”
And then, Paul Tripp (again from his book “What Did You Expect”) went on to write more that relates to this. He wrote, “There are moments in our marriages when we’re crying out for grace, not recognizing that we’re getting it. We’re not getting the grace of relief or release, because that isn’t the grace we really need. No, what we’re getting is something we desperately need, the uncomfortable grace of personal growth and change. With the love of a Father, your Lord is prying open your hands so you’ll let go of that which rules your heart but will never satisfy you. With the insight of a seasoned teacher, He is driving you to question your own wisdom so that you will let go of your understanding and rest in His. With the skill of the world’s best counselor, God is showing you the delusions of your control so that you will take comfort in His rule. With the gentleness of a faithful friend He is facing you toward the inadequacies of your own righteousness so that you find hope in His.
“When you are tired and uncomfortable because you are living with someone who is not like you, what you tell yourself about what you are going through is very important. It is in this moment that you must preach to yourself the theology of uncomfortable grace (See Romans 5; James 1; and 1 Peter 1), because when you do, you begin to be less resistant and more appreciative, and you are on your way to forging a marriage of unity, understanding, and love.”
I’m sorry this is such a long comment. But I felt impressed to give this to those of you who will read it. Menopause does not condone bad behavior. And I’m so sorry that you are encountering this. I hope that your wives are able to eventually see the reality of what is happening and somehow get a grip on doing what is possible, so that what is going on inside does not explode on the outside and cause as much damage. I also hope that you can give grace and space –without abandonment, whenever possible. I pray God’s strength and help and hope for you, and that His character will grow in you and be manifest in your actions.
(UNITED STATES) Hi Greg, My heart goes out to you. I’m going through menopause myself. My husband went to the store and got this stuff called Ultra Mega Menopause for women for me. It’s a GNC brand. It helped me immensely. I felt happier and everything got a lot better. A woman’s estrogen and progestrone, testerone hormones go crazy when a woman is going through menopause. I call it the Change of life. This takes a huge toll on women. Also, it takes a toll on husbands.
It would help you to read about it and learn how to help your wife. There’s also this stuff called DIM-PLUS by Nature’s Way. It has estrogen in it and its 30.00 for a 2 month supply. This helped me 100%. I feel like myself again. Good Luck!!!
(USA) Nothing you can do but hang in there or leave. One thing you can do is control your behavior, because I can testify – when you are “working with” someone who is emotionally charged, if they have a low or hi emotion, that your emotion and attitude can help them to be where they need to be.
I know what your talking about, being a “punching bag”. You know how they say “can’t win for losing”? Thats what it is. And in that case, you lose if you defend yourself, you lose if you win, and you lose if you get walked over.
Also you really can’t complain to anyone as I’m sure you found out.
My brother and I were talking about a “leave the house” strategy with some of these women. With the Chris Henry case where he basically was killed behind some domestic violence. These arguments can spiral out of control, I’m not really one for supporting domestic violence – but god man, you can’t be a punching bag.
Also as you know, your wife’s behaviors can affect you over time. It can destroy who you are as a person or let you mess your life up. I don’t really know what else to say, but make sure you get some outside help, some medical help for the wife, church and councelling will help too. Also make sure you SHOW your wife you love her. You are not in an impossible situation like some of us.
Imagine if you will, that your wife’s affairs, your wife’s anger, your wife’s outbursts, your wife’s actions against you are all because in her mind she decides she hates you. She hates that you are a man, and that you are providing for your family. She hates that you have a penis and natural testosterone and a penis. She hates you when she loves you.
What if every affair was because she’s “hurting you” with it. What are you going to do? You’re going to convince her not to do that?
Some of us are in impossible situations, where you cheat to balance it out or you leave. The alternative is having your lifespan shortened 40 years or even to the next year in the case of Chris Henry.
But I know how you feel and talking about it, releasing that stress is going to help you.
Oh. Another thing I found that when a wife makes the home territory nearly impossible for a man… Stay out of the house.
(UK) Wow you are a very wise man. I wish I had read your article years ago. I agree defending yourself does nothing. I think we need to hand the situation completely over to God so that he can defend us. In fact reading these articles I have realised that men can only truly love their wives and support them during this time by having a strong relationship with God. Even then it seems impossible!!! I just want to do the right thing. I struggle with the false accusations and being blamed. A difficult lesson to learn.
(USA) I did NOT even know what was HAPPENING to me at first when I reached the age of 50! I had always had a tremendously high sex drive… greater than my husband’s… and just overnight… it was GONE!! :-(( I began putting on tremendous weight… even though I ate the same amount, lost my gorgeous model’s figure, cried constantly, perspired day and night and developed SEVERE clinical depression. Thoughts of suicide were on my mind day and night as I could not even SLEEP!
Thankfully, we found a wonderful doctor who started me IMMEDIATELY on HRT… Estratest… a combo of estrogen and testosterone. It took about three weeks before I was “normal” again… the REAL me. I’m now 71 and still take HRT and feel wonderful.
The Press greatly overestimates the risks of replacement hormones! I am an only child, but my Mom and Aunts all died at around age 55 to 60 from the consequences of Alzheimer’s. My doctor believes there IS a connection between Menopause and Alzheimer’s in certain families and that if my Mom and female relatives HAD used HRT, they may have been free of that hideous disease. On studying other women who have Alzheimer’s, I’ve found that NONE were taking HRT. So… there IS a very positive side to hormone replacement therapy. Without it, I would have committed suicide.
(UNITED STATES) My wife is 48 and I am 40. She has been going through the change for a couple of years now. Of late, she told me that I “disregard her” and apparently it has hurt her as much as if I cheated “I have not”. She can’t give me an example and the other day said that she knows I hate her behavior almost as much as she does however, she can’t get past it. She stated she is going to talk to someone about it. Anyone please help.
(USA) Hi Bob, Your wife needs your love, hugs and kisses still, even though she’s going through menopause. It might be hard at times but her hormones are going crazy. Women needs compliments from their husbands or buy her some flowers and take her out to eat or to a movie. Woman needs a lot of understanding going through menopause. I call it the Change of Life.
I was having a hard time with menopause. My husband went to Rite Aid and got this stuff called Ultra Mega Menopause for woman. It’s a GNC Brand. It worked great. Also, there’s this stuff called DIM-PLUS by Nature’s Way. This has estrogen in it. Without estrogen in your body it’s hard to function properly. I hope this helps you.
(USA) I have read through these responses and can identify with almost all of them. My Wife is 38 and has always experienced horrible mood swings during her menstrual cycle but then she gets better. Her doctor has mentioned she is more than likely pre-menopausal or menopausal at this time in her life and she has been on an array of medications. The last 5 months has been a disaster, mood swings all over the board, she decides one day she hates me for no reason and then the next day I am perfect and she is very endearing.
For the last three years they have been able to regulate her medication pretty well and things have been fine. When her hormones are not raging she is very sweet, but when they are off I am lower than dirt, she is defensive, verbally abusive, and she can never give me a reason why she is mad at me, but trust me, the entire house pays during that time. If I ask her what is wrong more times than not she won’t even answer, or doesn’t have an answer that makes any sense.
This last month she decided that she was going to leave me and asked me to leave. Two weeks prior there was nothing wrong her. Then a few nights back she told me she didn’t like me anymore, then the next day I was perfect and she was talking to me like we had never had the conversation. By the way, I didn’t leave and I am pretty sure she forgot she asked me to leave the next day. She is very forgetful, at times won’t even remember the slightest conversations or can’t remember things in our past.
When her hormones are raging there is absolutely no rational thought process going through her head, and no rational reasoning will work to convince her otherwise. I don’t have any answers and I am not looking for any but wanted to post. I know reading other’s experiences made me feel better and was hoping to share in case someone else felt like they were at their wits end. I understand, I have been there, I am there, and will probably be there again until I find a deserted island that I can escape to with coconut trees and cool adult beverages. I do understand the comment “you couldn’t force me to sign up for this again!” Wow what a roller coaster ride. I am mentally drained but in good spirits. I have finally come to the point where all I can do is all I can do and I am going to be happy regardless.
(U.S.A.) AMEN David, I’m 48 and my wife is 51. We’ve been going through this for about a year and a half. The last four months have been really tough. All that I’ve read and all the info I could find on my own has been really helpful for both of us. I find trying to share her emotions together really helps her the most.
but the best thing I have found to do (and I hope this doesn’t sound callous) is to treat her like a teenager. When she needs me, I’m there. When she needs space I give it to her. Most of all I love her and tell her that all the time and that I’m here for her no matter what. Sure, I get my feelings hurt sometimes and I get angry, but yelling and screaming doesn’t work any better than it did with the kids.
If you do like David says and try to be happy regardless, things will settle down pretty quickly. Besides, all the walks I’m taking, are getting me back into shape! If you truly love a person and you commit to a marriage, this is a time when you have to put “I” out of the equation and concentrate on “us” and most of all “her” and sometimes that means sucking up pride.