“Five thousand American women enter it every day. No, it’s not a day spa. Nor is it an outpatient clinic for plastic surgery. And it’s certainly not optional —although many options exist for dealing with it. It’s menopause —often referred to as The Big M. Over the generations it’s been called The Change of Life —for more reasons than one.
“For many women, menopause comes abruptly, far sooner than 51. The average age of the body’s natural cessation of menses—due to the six thousand hysterectomies performed in the U.S. each year. For the rest, this unavoidable rite of passage often sneaks up after a six-month to ten-year hormonal time warp called peri-menopause” (Ronna Synder, from Todayschristianwoman.com article “Managing Menopause”).
MENOPAUSE: Reality Hits Hard
If you’re a husband reading what Ronna wrote, it can be a real slap of reality. One year, one month, one week, one day seems too long to go through this. And yet, many of you know, this is just the beginning of a long season. It’s a very long, long season of difficulties, for your wife and for you!
We wish that marriages could come with a manual on “what to do if…” but unfortunately they don’t.
However, we live in a time where we aren’t left entirely alone as far as not having any information available to help us! Many people have lived through a few things and have learned through a few things. Fortunately, they are willing to pass on to others (such as ourselves) what they have learned.
And that applies to the subject of Menopause. How do you survive this transition of life and help your wife the best way you can? There’s no “one-size-fits-all” answer to that, but author Lois Mowday Rabey wrote an article that might help you in some way with that dilemma.
Survival Reading
Below you will find a link to the helpful web site of Family Life Today. On their web site they have posted the following article for your reading pleasure. Or maybe we should say, it’s for your “survival.”
As you read through this linked article ask God to show you what information you can apply to your marriage:
• WHAT WIVES WISH THEIR HUSBANDS KNEW ABOUT MENOPAUSE
ALSO, CONCERNING MENOPAUSE:
Below is a link to a blog where a husband asks the following question:
Question:
My wife is going through menopause and I am feeling kicked out of a relationship that I really want. She doesn’t want physical contact, most of the time. The sex drive is less than off. She thinks that is all I think about. But it has been nearly year and a half. I am 11 years younger and need some advice.
Please click onto the Dailystrength.org link provided below to read more:
• WOMEN: I Need Your Help and Advice
And then, below you’ll find something written by Paul Byerly. It is posted on The-generous-Husband.com web site. I’m thinking that the insights Paul gives will be helpful:
For those of you who truly want to help your wife, the following advice comes from the Todays Christian Woman article titled, “Managing Menopause.” It is written by Ronna Snyder. I sure wish I would have had this info when I was going through Menopause. It’s difficult to find info that addresses spiritual issues, as well as physical and emotional ones. It is also inspiring to read.
Here’s a Sneak Preview:
“Get a Meno MAKEOVER:
Since I saw a number of my peers wilting at this stage of life, I decided to head full-tilt into it—literally. I followed an older meno-mentor’s example and bought a Harley-Davidson. I got a treadmill and began actually using it. Also, I revamped my wardrobe, makeup, and hairstyle, peeling off a few extra years and infusing myself with confidence. And I wasn’t shy about telling my husband and family what I was going through. This helped them become more supportive.
“I purposely deleted energy-robbing (including some church and Bible study) responsibilities from my calendar. I added naps to my to-do list, and bulked up on complex carbs and low-fat proteins, dropping ten pounds in the process. But most importantly, I sought out friends —both old and new. These are friends who had youthful, positive attitudes, yet wise spiritual values that helped me remember I still could make an eternal impact for God’s Kingdom. It didn’t matter whether or not I was peri-menopausal!”
That’s great advice —something your wife may find inspiring.
Above all, I hope and pray that you and your wife can both hold on and partner with each other to get yourselves through this season of marriage. Please know that it is a season. It won’t last forever.
Looking Back
Being on the other side of this, I look back and wonder, “What WAS that?” Thank God it didn’t last forever. It seemed like it would (for both of us), but it didn’t.
I thank God we were able to hold onto each other through some really tough times during that season. Every marriage goes through storms. And this definitely was a stormy time… a long one. But it’s one of those seasons that is important to persevere through, as God can lead you. The Bible talks about the importance of persevering. It’s best for us all to remember that.
I also thank God for the grace that my husband gave me during this time. As I wrote before, we are on the other side of this season. I appreciate it more than I could ever express that my husband extended grace when I’m sure he wanted to do just the opposite. He hugged me when I wasn’t very huggable, and sympathized with me when I needed it. He found ways to make me laugh when it was needed. Steve also gave me grace —extending unmerited favor over and over again. Oh how I love that man for doing that for me.
And oh how much more wonderful our marriage is than it ever has been before. We weathered this together (as we’ve weathered other tough issues). And what we’ve found is that we’re all the more rich for it.
We have some dear friends who also have “weathered” the Menopause storm. We encourage husbands and wives to read: MENOPAUSE: A Season We Didn’t See Coming.
I Pray for You
I pray you will get to this place too.
“May the Lord direct your heart into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.” (2 Thessalonians 3:5)
“And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ —to the glory and praise of God.” (Philippians 1:9-11)
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this blog.
If you have additional tips you can share to help others, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: For Married Men Mental and Physical Health
(AUSTRALIA) I have a beautiful wife and 3 grown children. My wife suddenly changed on 22nd April 2010 into an unemotional uncaring person, who had also started an online fantasy chat with a guy via a poker game on facebook ( which I believe hass now ended, not sure, I don’t want to know).
Our 30th Anniversary was on 24th May, it was a nightmare, we had organized a trip and at the end of the trip we had decided the marriage was over… but then we drew back from that… now we are sleeping in seperate rooms to give her space.
She is about to take a trip of a few days to take a breath and spend time alone… I love her unconditionally, and its been a great support reading all of the guys postings all the feelings we as men go through, isolation, loneliness, fear of loss of someone we love dearly.
Good for you guys that you love your wifes enough to seek some consolation from sites like this. Like many I had no idea what happened, one minutes everything was wonderful, then crash and burn, now walking on eggs, repeating ‘I love you’ , occasional hugs and kisses, nothing more, she told me to stop sending flowers and leaving notes because that only made it harder and it was something I didn’t normally do.
I think the thing that drains me the most is the not knowing if at the end of the pain if she will still decide to leave me, that’s the scary thing after all the abuse, and the support and love I am trying to give, if she will still go. I’ll feel stupid and cheated then, but eh, like you guys we love our wifes, they are going through serious stuff at the moment, hang in there guys, you are not alone, we are a band of brothers together we can survive this. hopefully :)
(USA) Wow. I’m sitting in a hotel room on a business trip wondering what has happened with my wife. She hasn’t talked to her mother for three weeks (she lives with us), she had a major blow out with our daughter, has been forgetting things which has caused huge conflict, is arguing with the pregnant daughter-in-law, and seems to expand any story she tells into an emotional journey. I can only pray but I have to be honest – THIS IS TOUGHHHHHHH TO SAY THE LEAST. She stayed at our neighbors last nite because she had them convinced our daughter could “do anything at any moment” maybe even including murder. It was the longest night of my life. She refuses to get help from the doctor. She thinks nothing is wrong. All of you pray for me because the tears are flowing in and out of me. My comfort comes from the Lord and His teaching but this is really a roller coaster that I do not control. She is well respected but is really making our friends upset. It isn’t like I can go on the TV show “Intervention” and wave a wand.
To the men out there – this is serious stuff. Get it in order before you get here. Anything in the past will come up during this time. I think at times she hates me. I want to run and hide. I want it to be over with. This will test your faith and your ability to get through lack of intimacy. Do not turn to others. They tell me it is temporary and I trust in that that thought.
Now about that Proverb – Yes tonight is a good night to read Proverbs 31
(SCOTLAND) Hi Cris, Feel for you buddy. How have you coped since?? Any Strategies?
Like you and the other guys, I have the same problem. About 3 months ago I was asked to sleep on the sofa and eventually, early Jan 2011, moved to a bed next to our bedroom, however with shut doors. My wife near 49 wanted “space and time” (seems they all have the same words!!) as she had been the chief cook and “maid” along with mother to us all, particularly me, she stated (me 51 and three kids 17 to 14). Up and down mood swings all the time. No hugs or kisses for months and only small talk allowed. Doesn’t like anyone else in a room with her for too long before she either asks us to leave the room or she exits stage left to do something else. It’s sure hard to stay balanced and live like this but we do it as we love our wives so deeply.
Sure the marriage had problems with sex for about 8 years despite my eagerness and ended up not trying (once a year to 2006, then nothing to 2007 for about three times over two weeks in August, then nothing since. God knows what I’ve done – though it’s not about me I keep getting told.
I’d say it was only last month when she wanted the space and time more than ever. She gets very hot when the temperature is reasonable (yes, hot flushes). Nearly bites my head off and oldest son, if we say the wrong thing as it’s taken out of context. I started writing journals to keep me sane and as I’d reckon good when I am talking to a counsellor (2 visits and 2 phone calls and yes, plenty of support from my mates going through or have gone this over 3 to 10 years – mostly 3 to 5 years! & I am only really at the start of it since Jan 2011. It’s like having a full moon all the time when my wee missus gets off beam!!
(USA) I feel hopeless… like the damage is done. The things she calls me and things she says about me are hurtful and the fact that I don’t deserve love and affection because I am a male who “would be better off with someone else” and “why don’t you just leave” always has me in limbo about our future.
We work together and have a business together. Most everything I do and say upsets her and I have to apologize and make amends… meanwhile I sleep alone and dream about living alone where I could feel okay about myself again.
Wa wa wa……shes going through hell too, I’m an —. I’m divorced and widowed and this may be the thing that makes me give up on relationships.
Karl, Any man who has “survived” his wife’ menopause can say they “feel your pain.” We have yet to hear of any “support” groups for husbands of menopausal wives but I believe there needs to be some. I wish I could say there is some magic elixir or some words that could get you through this, but the reality is (for those of us who are Christian husbands) this is where we either step-up and live out the biblical principles of sacrificial love or we cower in a corner and wait for the storm to pass.
I remember when my mom went through menopause. At the time I basically told my dad that I thought he was crazy to stay with my mom because she was “impossible” to please and virtually anything and everything would result in outbursts of anger directed at him and my sister and me. I was 17 at the time. When my mom died 16 years later they had been married 43 years. In other words, he survived.
It reminds me of the passage in the Bible in 1 Corinthians 13 that says, “When I was a child I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child does. But when I grew up , I put away childish things.” I found my father’s secret to making it through my mom’s menopause in verses 4-7. It’s where I had to spend a lot of time when my wife (Cindy) went through menopause. In case you forgot what they say: “Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful and endures through every circumstance.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7, New Living Testament)
Pay particular attention to the last part – about love never giving up, never losing faith, always being hopeful and endures through every circumstance. I won’t pretend that it’s easy. It’s not! It’s really hard to love unconditionally when your wife is spewing vile, angry words and telling you that you should leave her. But I have yet to find anything that is REALLY worthwhile to be “easy.” This is an opportunity God is giving you to grow in Him and depend on Him every hour of every day to help you love your wife…in spite of her.
And, yes, I survived Cindy’s years of menopause and I believe I’m a better husband today because of it. I hope this helps – Steve Wright, Marriage Missions International
(USA) Steve, How wonderful to read your reply. The Christian way to handle this has helped me to feel more comfortable with what I am dealing with.
My wife is older and I have been dealing with the same issues. Due to other areas (financial issues), everything is even more strained. She has said she is through with the marriage. For now, we are still together and Lord willing this to will pass. I will continue with Faith and Prayer, and by loving her unconditionally to look forward to happier years together. The Lord has been showing me to be patient, which for now means “no” connection at all. I am just giving her space and relying on him for everything else.
You said that you made it through, but was wondering in your experience…how many years did it take to get there? Did her affections come back?
Thanks so much for sharing!
(USA) I am 52, my wife is 45. I have, just in the last few days, come to the realization that my wife is experiencing peri-menopause. I confided to a good and wise friend our “predicatment” and he had some sage words for me. You see I am the father of three sons and my wife has been blessed with remarkable emotional stability even during the time prior to her menstual cycle which has always been remarkably short. My friend is married with two grown daughters. His advice was: You have to strap on that bullet proof vest, walk directly into the line of fire, unarmed, with no weapons. You have to muster the strength, however hard, to reach out to her, in the face of bullets flying and give her a neck rub, or a shoulder rub and let her know that the hurtful words she is spewing are not her own (without explicity saying that of course!).
I pondered on this and took the metaphor a step further. It is like walking into a hostage situation where you have no weapon, just that bullet proof vest and the bullets are flying and bouncing off your chest, but you don’t fire back because your goal is to rescue that hostage. And that hostage, of course, is your marriage. Then I began to to think of Christ and the Cross… He went to the Cross for us. We must go to the Cross for our wives and for our marriages. If we can allow ourselves to be “nailed to the cross” rather than “stirke back” at a comment that hurts, but that we know is chemically induced, then think of the Grace that can be obtained for ourselves and for our marriage. God Bless all of you men on this noble quest for the holy grail that is a sanctified marriage.
(CANADA) Oh wow! YOU POOR MEN!! I just want to send you all a BIG GROUP HUG FROM GOD!! and start a support group for you all!! Oh my… You are going to make it through this! LOVE, LOVE, LOVE… and maybe a little wise counsel, and practical advice. Here’s a terrific resource site for your women: http://www.cemcor.ubc.ca/
Jim, your response is SO very loving and precious. God multiply His inner resources to you and make you a blessing to many going through a similar journey: He is FAITHFUL!!!
If i may release a prayer of Divine grace for you all based on I Corinthians 1:7 “I pray that you will not be lacking in ANY special spiritual endowment or Christian GRACE…{ through your reception of the power of the Lord’s DIVINE GRACE operating in your souls by the Holy Spirit!}…while you wait { bless your heart} and watch…CONSTANTLY LIVING IN HOPE for the coming of JESUS in { your circumstances!}”
(ENGLAND) HI, I’m going through the menopause. I’m having a really rough time. I feel very insecure, I cry a lot, feel I can’t help myself, feel I’m a burden to my husband, and don’t know what to do with myself. I’m not like this everyday. Can anyone give me any advice? If there are any herbal remedies out to try, please let me know. Thanks.
(CANADA) For any woman who is going through this stage of life, it is just the pits. I am in peri-menopause and I am 53, husband is 62. I feel HELPLESS. I don’t want to feel so despondent and disconnected from my husband. Everything feels overwhelming and it feels like I am just the weakest, dullest person.
Normally I would be fairly effervescent, that is all gone now. Main concern is how dead life feels at home, how bored. Husband works so much and we have business debt that we are working on paying down. Cannot get back that spark in marriage. I can see this is so hard on my husband and he does not know what to do.
God feels very far away to me I did hear bio-identical hormones might help. Menopause seems like such punishment to all.
(CANADA) Jannie- DON’T GIVE UP! on yourself, or on God! He’s there and He will help you through this… There are some proven resources that I’d like to introduce you to through the University of BC’s “Cemcore” website, hosted by Dr Jerylynn prior, a high energy, dedicated physician to females. She went through what she describes as seven years of being a hormonal wreck, and then found some very real solutions. She is a physician with a great deal of empathy and practical resources.
If you have a compounding pharmacy close to where you live, they should be able to follow through with recommendations from this site. I have recommended this site to many of the women that I pray and counsel with through various stages of their “hormonal journey” http://www.cemcor.ubc.ca/
Press into the Lord’s heart, I Peter 5;7, he cares for you affectionately and cares about you watchfully.” You ARE going to get through this. You ARE going to be stronger. You ARE going to know the Lord’s refreshing love over you even more intimately. I have sent out a prayer covering for you. let me know how you are doing! I am in your corner!!
(SCOTLAND) Thanks so much for these additional words of wisdom. Some six months on, still the same responses from my wife with the need for ‘space and time’ to get well. Silence is always extended my way and my wife just says she is exhausted. Rages, mood swings, different bedrooms (not that I wanted it this way), no cooking for me or the 3 kids (I happily do it anyway) etc. My eldest son and I get the full brunt. Thanks again for the support here.
(USA) Hi Sue, You’re not alone. I’m going through menopause too. I was having a real hard time until my husband bought me some of this stuff called Ultra Mega Menopause for women. He got it at Rite Aid. It’s a GNC Brand. It helped me a lot. I cry a lot, hot flashes, night sweats and everything seemd 100% multiplied. No, you’re not a burden to your husband. All women go through this. Your body is lacking estrogen, progestrone, and testerone. You may need to go to your Doctor and have him put you on HRT. It’s a combination of the hormones you need that you lose going through menopause. It helps to walk also, makes you feel better. I find that Honey Vanilla Chamomile tea helps with my stresses of everday and my menopause. I drink it about 5 pm everyday. I hope this helps you.
(CANADA) Hi Mike, I feel for you and can hear the changes that you are willing to make to accommodate the needs that seem to be such a ‘sacrifice of love” right now. I am wondering if your wife has someone to talk to, and a good physician to help her through this stage of life. I posted the cemcor.ubc site on my last post. It is a tremendous source of very tangible help.
If I can practically encourage you further: In my experience as a prayer-counselor I try to listen for three types of needs that people have in a presented situation: physical, emotional, and spiritual.
Physically: During this stage of life there can be a great deal of chemical changes in the brain due to hormonal changes. These changes can cause all kinds of discomforts, from loss of sexual libido, loss of hair, loss of sleep, to depression and anxiety, and overwhelming feelings of helplessness and feeling alone. An introduction of progesterone can make a wonderful difference within a couple of weeks. Also supplemental assistance can greatly help sleep and energy patterns
(*note-clear all suggestions with a reputable physician who is knowledgeable in current practice):
For sleep assistance: Magnesium glycenate 100 0 mg @ 1 hr before bed,
3-5 (1000mg) gel caps of Phosphorylated Serine @ ½ hr before bed,
6-9mg of sublingual melatonin with vitamin B12 upon going to bed
*also a prescription of an average of 100mg of progesterone
For energy during the day:
At least 4-6 glasses of water during the day, small meals more often, more protein, lots of fresh green veggies as available, cut down on wheat products, incorporate and substitute fresh ground spelt products if available.
Basic daily supplements: vitamin B100, and 1000 mg of time release vitamin C, up to 3000 IU’s of vitamin D (especially good for depression, “S.A.D. syndrome that often occurs in countries above the 49th parallel), and Calcium.
A good daily walk or bike ride through a favorite place does wonderful things for the mind, body and emotions…
Emotional and Physical: *Gifting her: I know that you are already going out of your way in many daily areas, but some special delights will say to her, “I’m not just putting up with you- I am loving you with everything that is in me, and I want to show you how I cherish you whether you are able to meet my needs or not”
“Gift her” with her favorite anything-walk in a special place, dinner and theater, flowers, extra little bits of surprises around the house…other “weekly specials”
Spiritually: If you know the Lord, ask Him for wisdom and love that is beyond your capabilities. He will lead you into ways to release His Presence and pray a tangible peace and grace into the situation. When you hope in Him and praise and worship him, you make a way for Him to act on your behalf. When you focus on Him, His provision and Presence becomes more real.
Emotionally: Ask the Lord to help you make your wife feel like she is beautiful again. See if you can gently encourage some support for her, ideally it would be good for her to have someone that she could trust and talk with, face-to-face, but honor her need for anonymity if she feels that’s what she needs. There are some good online helps available, this site, the cemcor site, and she could also contact Cindy on this site.
If she would like to be encouraged with some prayer- encouragement thoughts, she could go to my “Heart Sync blog” http://shelley-heartsync.com/ She is also welcome to contact me there for prayer if she would like to just pour out her heart.
Praying that your focus would be on the Lord, and that you would find that He is a very present help. What the enemy intends for evil- God will turn for good. When you place your hope in Him and His active Presence, you make a way for Him to bring change into your heart and His peace into the situation; He is faithful.
As you read through the Word, you might want to go into Psalms, Colossians, and Philippians to begin your journey. Ask the Holy Spirit to make His Word come alive to you, and to help you focus on His ways to bring “heaven to earth” in your situation.
Praying for you, your family and your wife, and releasing His provision to you (and others) today! Blessings
(U.S.) I’m 43 and my girlfriend is the same age as me. A year ago she was told she had cancer and surgery (hysterectomy) was the only solution to ensure the cancer would not return. Soon after that my life was crumbled. I love my girl friend dearly, stood by her side; she was my priority, ensured all appointments/tests were scheduled, took care of her when she was home etc.
Soon after it began, the mood swings, no intimacy, tiredness and many more symptoms. I understand that this is not her fault but she is aware of her condition. What I don’t understand is that if there is medication out there for them to take to ease all this why not take it, especially if it will save your relationship. It’s apparent that we love our wives/girl friends in order for us to stand by our woman but there is a breaking point as well.
We went in for a follow up a few months back and I had mentioned her condition to the Doctor. He then prescribed her medication to help and told her that it would help her allot. I was so happy to think that our lives were about to go back to normal. The last time I looked meds are still on the dresser collecting dust. It amazes me to see that a simple pill could help our relationship but it sits there instead. I’m at the point of confusion, don’t know what to do anymore. Stay or go….
Love her to death but what am I suppose to do if my partner is not willing to keep our relationship strong.
We have been together now for 6 years and she wants to get married but is not willing to keep me happy. This is where confusion settles in–Marry her cause I love her and hate my marriage or not marry her and let this destruction (menopause) ruin our relationship and walk away.
If the women going through this loved us as much as we love them they would understand how we feel. Last time I looked men are human also and we have needs just like a woman. Remember, trust, communication and intimacy are some of the factors that bonds two people in a healthy marriage. Take either one away and what do you have? “A life alone.” I will wait and see where this destruction takes us. We have another doctor follow up in a few months, wonder what her response will be when she is asked if the medication helped.
(UGANDA) Hi Hector, I read through your comment and feel for what u are going through. I’m a women so I’m going to give u some advice and u can try it maybe it will work.
Thing is I also have a medical condition that keeps arising. I have a Candida problem, candida is yeast that grow in the vaginal area and they are itching and burning constantly. What happens is that my husband knows I have the problem yes there is medication and yes I do sometimes take the medication but sometimes I don’t because it makes me feel sick. The doctors say it doesn’t but to me I do feel what it does so obviously when it is candida time the intimacy goes out the window, not really by choice but because of the medical condition. My spouse supports me sometimes with my condition but sometimes he becomes otherwise. The thing is:
1. The medication makes me feel sick.
2. When u have a medical condition it makes you feel alone and not worthy, depending on the person who is faced with the illness.
3. A women also feels bad if she can’t have sex with the man she loves because of the illness.
Please think of the above. Maybe your wife is going through some of the things. Another thing I personally feel that my husband is unsupportive when he knows my condition but still pressures me for sex. It makes me feel used because its during these hard times that I need emotional support the most. I’m not saying avoiding sex is good, all I am saying is take the sex pressure for a while, avail yourself to her, and trust me once you start doing that the romance will be back soon.
(US) My wife has been going through it for about two years. Now we both pray together everyday and we find keeping Christ at the center of our marriage and totally laying it on Christ’s will, really has helped.
(AMERICA) WE GIVE IT ALL TO CHRIST AND EVERYDAY WE ALWAYS PRAY FOR OTHERS AND OURSELVES.
(USA) Thank you so much for this forum. I am 47 and my wife is 46. I have actively been dealing with her menopause for the last 6 months (it took me a while to realize what was happening) and it has been absolutely miserable! She still denies she is in her change but everything points towards menopause. I hurt so much from what is going on that I don’t know which way to turn. I love her so much that I don’t know what I will do if our marriage ends.
We have a beautiful home and two wonderful children and she is so dissatified it drives me nuts! The mood swings, hostility, memory “alterations” and her OCD have left me bewildered! I have actively searched the internet to find ways to help her through this. Some days she is almost “normal” and then she will say hateful things to me. We haven’t shared a bed in 3 months and claims that I am not worthy. If it weren’t for the kids, I would leave her because this is killing me.
I pray everyday for her and our marriage and family. I heard two things on Christian radio that have helped me. One, live a life of love and forgiveness and two, you must give your life to others. These two things help a lot.
Next month she has her physical. I have contacted her doctor already to talk to her about menopause but to leave my name out of it. I am afraid this will probably come back to haunt me, but I am so desperate to get her the help she needs for the problem she denies.
Please pray for me and my family. I pray that God helps me hang on another day. Thank you again.
(UNITED STATES) Jay, I’m 44 and just beginning the menopausal roller coaster. And by just beginning, I mean for about the past year. And as far as realizing that I was going through it… that was my over 50 female friends. Women who have been there can help greatly.
I understand what you are saying in your post because I see those same emotions on my husband’s face. I see him trying to be patient and understanding but at the same time very frustrated. I can’t speak for your wife, but I know I don’t feel like the same person I used to be and I’m sure I don’t act like the same person. I think about the energy I used to have, the skinny jeans I used to wear, and the self confidence I used to feel and it’s depressing to know they are gone.
I think if I could get my husband to understand one thing, maybe it would help. I don’t want him any less, I actually want and need him more now than I ever did. I’m not used to being this vulnerable and yes, very cranky. But he does have the ability to soothe my nerves. It’s just that I’ve never needed him to do that so I don’t think he knows how. Sometimes I lash out at him because I need him and I don’t quite know how to explain it. He has been telling me how wonderful I look lately. I’ve gained 50 pounds and I can’t color the grey hair as fast as it shows up. He’s not foolin’ anyone, but I do really appreciate the effort. ;) I don’t know if that perspective helps you, but hang in there.
(USA) Thanks for the comments Jess, I really appreciate a woman’s point of view. Help your husband to understand. Acknowledge what is happening to you and that you need him more than ever even though it doesn’t seem like it! Ask him (or do it together) to go online and do some research on what is happening to you and what he can do to help. Have him look at this website because it has been a lifesaver for me. I think I know more about menopause then my wife does.
This is such a difficult time for everyone in the house. You both need to live a life of love and forgiveness (not easy)! Pray together. Almost every morning, I pray over my wife as she’s waking up. Just some silent prayers to help both of us through our day. I hope one day we will say these prayers together. I think this would be a great way to strengthen any marriage.
Also, encourage him to talk to some of the husbands of your over 50 female friends. It really helps to find someone to talk to. Finally, tell him how much you love him. This can make a huge difference for him. I’ll pray for the both of you!
(CANADA) Thank you very much for this website and all of the comments. I have been looking for a Christ Centered approach to dealing with my wife’s menopause for several months now. We have been married for 31 years and my wife has been dealing with the symptoms of menopause for over a year now but it has gotten much worse over the last several months after both our kids moved out.
The verbal abuse that I take is almost as as bad as the non communication from her. On almost a daily basis, when she does talk to me, all she says is that she no longers wants to be married and is going to leave me. It’s like walking on eggshells around the home. Reading all of these comments makes me feel as if I am not alone. Almost every comment is very familiar to my situation now. The only thing that I can hang on to is my faith and daily prayer. I would be interested in knowing how some of the people that have posted have made out in their situation. Whether it got better or not and how long it took.
As well, what were the signs that things were improving. I thnk I can hang in for as long as it takes but it would be much easier if I knew that there might be light at the end of the tunnel and the light isnt a locomotive coming to run me over. Please pray for me and my marriage.
(USA) Will, I am also going through the same thing you are (I have two post on this website) and you are not alone. Try to leave it in God’s hands. I pray everyday to accept what His plan is for me. The most important thing is to take care of yourself. After the holidays I am going to get some professional help for my own peace of mind. I hope you will do the same. I will pray for you and keep checking website for replies. Please pray for me, too.
You wrote about your kids moving out. Did your wife get after them, too? My wife has at times become verbally abusive to my kids. At that point, I step in and defend them. Did she cut herself off from other family members? My wife has. I feel so bad for her mother and brother.
Keep looking online for more information on how to help her and yourself. If you come across anything that looks promising, maybe post it to the website. There are a couple of books on men coping with female menopause but, ironically, they are usually sold out. Search online for the titles.
(CANADA) Thanks for reply Jay. I felt that I could have written that first paragraph as I am pretty much doing the same thing including professional help in the new year. But I am trusting God to lead me through these difficult times. it is truly in his hands.
In response to your questions, (as well as to let other readers of this site know what other sypmtoms might be) my wife encouraged the kids to move out but didn’t force them out or get after them. However, now that they are gone, she is not having much of a relationship with them and berates me if I invite them to the house for a visit. She says I am living in the past by having them over and that she is moving on.
As for her family, she has certainly reduced her contact with them but has refused any relationship at all with members of my family. As well, after 30 years of attending church with the family, she has renounced her faith and no longer attends church, which upsets me. It certainly is tough to deal with this and tough to see her go through it.
In the last week, she has moved into the basement and no longer sleeps in our bed. She also takes her meals downstairs and when she is at home, she watches dvd movies on a small dvd player in her bed. I’m becoming concerned she is unstable and slipping into depression. Communication with me is still non existant.
Hope this provides information to others. I will certainly keep you and your family in my prayers.
(USA) Hi Will, Just checking in to see how things are going and to let you know that I keep you and your family in my prayers. Are things improving? Did you find anything that helps?
May God Bless and keep you. Jay
(USA) Hey all of you perio-menopausal, menopausal or post-menopausal women out there. I’m looking for your advice: I am 47 and my wife is 58 –turning 59 next month. We have always been active sexually for the 18 years we’ve been married and she has had a pretty healthy sex drive for a woman. Now that she is right in the middle of menopause –hot flashes, emotional moodiness and decreased libido. Our relationship is really good (she would attest to that) and she gets plenty of affection and domestic support. he main stressor going on in our lives right now is extreme tension between her and our teenaged son. Other than that, we are doing great connecting with one another.
In the sexual arena, she is experiencing little or no desire, decreased vaginal lubrication and inability to orgasm (it used to come fairly easy for her). Any ideas that have worked for you? My wife is very open to sex emotionally but prefers natural solutions (creams, herbs, supplements etc.)
(USA) Hi Ed, I’m 50 yrs old and going through menopause too. I can relate to what your wife is going through. You need to go buy a water-based lubricant and this stuff from the Vitamin Health Store called Steel-Libido for Women. It works great. Your wife will thank you for it. It’s about $30.00 for 75 soft gels. Take 4 a hr before. Made by Irwin Naturals. Promotes Healthy Sexual Response & Pleasure. I hope this helps you. This stuff has made a Huge difference in my life.
(USA) I am going through menopause. I am 45 years old and in a nine year marriage. My husband is very verbally abusive. I try to ignore him and do holistic things to ease my menopausal symptoms, eating well, exercising, and meditation. It alleviates the symptoms a little.
I don’t want hormone replacement therapy. My mother died of cancer shortly after taking the synthetic hormones. I don’t know if there is link… My husband back last year denied me martial relations for six months. Then the fireworks hit the fan. He said he thought I was sick. ?… He sneeks around with mysterious phone calls, etc…
I am in great shape, been out of work for a while. I think he would prefer any woman over me. I see him always looking at other people. …This just magnifies the problems associated with the change of life. I can’t wait for things to get better.
(USA) HI Donna, I’m 50 yr old and going through menopause too. First of all, I want to say I’m sorry that your husband is verbally abusive. A husband shouldn’t be treating his wife like that. I would work on my self esteem and get help. I take this DIM-PLUS for menopause. It has helped me alot. It’s Nature’s Way Brand. You can get it at a Fred Meyer. My heart goes out to you. I’ll keep you in my prayers.
(ENGLAND) I can honestly say that this is a difficult time for all. My wife is 42 and I feel is peri-menopausal. She says that she doesn’t know what she thinks of me anymore and doesn’t know whether she sees any future. We have been married 23 years and have four children, 2 have left the home now.
Anyone going through this (I have currently for 5 months) will know what an emotional rollercoaster this is. I do believe that during this stage of life, especially the 40’s, they re-address their lives. They seem to not be able to cope with anything that you may have said out of place, and this could be from many years ago.
What I really want to say on here is, if you are a woman reading this, please remember that your husband hopefully throughout your years together has been your support, they have bent over backwards to provide for you. They have been your shoulder to cry on. You both have been a team, and hopefully all these years a good one.
If you feel that you are a little different in your thinking then please go to your G.P. and have your hormones checked out before your husband is sooo emotionally drained that he will look for love somewhere else. PLEASE DO GO as I have pleaded with my wife and she will not, she says that it is nothing to do with hormones. The answer to that is if someone completely changes then there has to be something wrong.
What you have to remember is that men do not go through this and for you, as a wife, a lover and a friend to very suddenly decide that you do not want him anymore is a very crippling thing.
Please remember that the sexual side to a relationship is important as it is the joining of 2 people, when this is removed by the wife then this is an emotional and physical problem. Please go to the doctors and at least give your husband the benefit of the doubt. God bless.
So sorry Mark, that you are going through this. I know it can be tough on husbands (and tough on women too –I know from the women’s side of things). Our emotions can get tangled up into knots at the edge of being ready to explode at any moment. It’s all so unpredictable. Things that used to be easy become hard to cope with and reason through. Sometimes it feels like a monster is ready to pop out of our chest at times (and sadly, sometimes does), like in the movie, “Alien.” We hate it and so does everyone else.
One thing that helped me is to make the decision NOT to make major decisions during that time. I decided (with my husband’s blessing) to lean upon my husband, all the more during that season of our lives together. Our feelings are all over the place, so I worked hard at not trusting them. When my husband approached me after being asked to move, for his job, across country he asked me to pray about it and help make the decision. I had to tell him that I knew I wouldn’t be capable of being unbiased on that one –nor could I trust my reasoning power at that point on something so huge. We had always stood shoulder-to-shoulder on these types of issues. But I knew I couldn’t this time and it was most difficult. I was, however, able to promise to pray for HIM to make the wisest decision and that I would not oppose his decision either way (unless God gave me a complete check in my spirit, which He didn’t).
He did make the decision, after much prayer, to move us to the other side of the country because of the ministry opportunity this new position would bring. It was one of the roughest times of our lives. Most everything in our life flipped upside down. And I had so many things to do through this process that would have been difficult without going through menopause, let alone in the middle of it. I was pushed to the edge of my abilities to do it all. But with prayer and grit and giving each other space and grace, we made it, and are making it.
I say all of this to ask you to continue to the best of your ability, to give your wife as much grace as you can. I wish she would acknowledge that she could be in this stage. That would be most helpful for all. But I believe your instincts are right that she is in that stage, because of the changes you’ve witnessed. However, if you keep pressing her on this issue, she’ll probably resist all the more. Some women don’t handle this stage of life well and don’t want to face it. 42 isn’t too young to be smack dab in the middle of it. Pray for both of your sakes that she will face it and do what she needs to get the help she needs.
This is one of those times where the vow “for better or worse” comes to roost. We vow that on our wedding day, but don’t realize that it will actually come to fruition someday. This will test the metal of who you are. Will you be a person of integrity and stand strong, even when the “worse” shoves at you and throws your relationship into the test? Will you do what you can to be faithful (as you vowed on your wedding day), even though tempted in every way? Will you go the extra mile in being generous in the space you give her to work through her issues, yet with that space, being quietly supportive when needed?
I can tell you from personal experience now that I am on the other side of this, that as I look back, I admire my husband all the more. He is my hero. I recognize that there were times when he took on more than I should ever have tossed at him. He loved me when at times I was unloveable and even when I didn’t love or like myself. He was especially supportive in every effort I made and didn’t throw it in my face in reminding me that I was doing this or feeling that because of my menopausal state –which I appreciate SO much! That would have felt belittling.
Pray for your wife that she will get help. Pray for yourself that you will be the husband she needs during this horribly confusing and edgy time of her (and your) life. I hope she goes through it quickly. There sure is no guarantee. Every woman is different. I hope you will be able to reach within and do what you can to be supportive. It sounds like you have been trying and I truly applaud you for that. At the bottom on our web site on the Home Page, we have links to a movie clip and the song titled, “Courageous,” which I believe you are called upon to be. It sounds like you are trying to be that and I have a feeling you will continue. I hope so and want you to know that I admire you and all those other husbands who can be. There isn’t enough of that happening in this modern world. We need husbands and wives to be courageous, when it is needed. This is one of those times. Stand strong Mark! May God bless you in this effort.
(ENGLAND) Thank you so much for your reply Cindy. I’m standing here at work with tears falling down my face. It is hard to see a rosie future. I myself am a Christian but my wife has never made the commitment. So first, I should continue to pray for that.
Thanks so much for your comments as it does help to see a lady’s point of view and that in the end, under God’s grace, there may be a better outcome.
The difficult thing is that you do not know how long this menopausal thing is going to last. What I have learnt is to sometimes just take a deep breath. The real problem that I have experienced is the lack of sexual desire from her, and many men will experience that.
I do think that they should issue you with a training pack when you get married especially a section on this would have been helpful, as when the one that you turn to for help love and guidence turns into this person that you do not know, that is when it gets hard.
Yep. I adore her, always have always will, even though she could burn the toast with her hot temper at times. Yep, I have made mistakes at times, said things wrong to her, and some quite controlling comments, but most were to protect her. It is difficult when some of these comments are raised about things that has happened up to 25 years ago when we were going out.
Thanks again and I would like to send out a prayer to all those husbands that have put a good deal of love, care and friendship into their marriages, to find that this has happened to them. God Bless you all and please keep in touch.
Mark, I appreciate the place you are in, with your wife’s problem (which also becomes yours because of marriage). And you’re right that “the difficult thing is that you do not know how long this menopausal thing is going to last.” There’s not doubt that it makes all of this all the more difficult. But in your wedding vows, you said “for the rest of your lives” you would be committed to her. God expects you to hold to that vow.
When I married (almost 40 years ago) I never knew my husband would come down with Type 1 Diabetes (only a year into our marriage) and for several of those years, he would not take care of himself and lived in denial of the consequences, which I had and now have to suffer through, as well. But I made a vow and I’ve sure had to stand strong on that vow a lot because there are times I sure wanted to dive the other way.
As a Christian, you have all the more the mission to show your bride of these many years what it is to have a bridegroom who is faithful like Christ, our Bridegroom. It is your mission to communicate the gospel with, but mostly without words to her, even though she seems unloveable at times. Christ died for us when we were yet sinners. He expects us to die in other ways for our spouse because marriage is a living symbol of Christ’s love for the church.
As far as your sexual problems, there are two web sites I recommend, which may help you (others as well, which are listed in the “Sexual Issues” topic in the links part of it). The ones I refer you to here are both run by Paul Byerly (with one of them co-run by his wife Lori). They are found at, http://themarriagebed.com and the other is found at http://the-generous-husband.com. Write to Paul and see what he would recommend if you can’t find something directly on either of those web sites. I hope that will helps Again, you deserve hero-status in my opinion, if you continue to stand strong in treating your wife with grace and support, when she acts in such unlovely ways. I support you in prayer.
(ENGLAND) Cindy …thanks again for the reply. I feel that what is so difficult about the situation is when your wife states that she doesn’t want to make love to you, and in as many words says that is she leaves in 6 months (yep 6 months, but states it is a metaphorical time… is this planned then???). That she doesn’t want to as this might make me think that everything is alright, and still has not decided what she thinks of me, what does anyone do in a case like that?
I know and totally agree that when I married her, in my eyes it was for life, to go through all the ups and down together, and would stick by that. We have recently had a grandson born and you would think that would at least
bring her unto the edge of reasonable thinking, but it didn’t.
I really am getting to a stage of more and more thinking of no hope, and to be quite honest this is not my doing as in no way would I have ever wanted this. I am so frustrated by all this and if I knew a time span, then maybe could be better at the understanding. Anyway, I will again try not to react to the negativity tonight and the lack of any affection.
It’s almost like she is playing a game to see how long I last without fully cracking up. What happened to my sweet wife who I love so dearly. I am sure that has been said by many a man going through this. God Bless …and thanks for listening.
(USA) Mark, I am praying for you! As I read your posts I feel I am looking at my own life! Hang in there and pray that God will give you the strength to carry on and see His hand in all this. Do you have a support net of family and/or friends? It is so hard to be strong for both. My pastor at church has been really great to talk to and my family (my brothers and sister and even my mother-in-law) and coworkers has been great. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help!
Like you, I think the two most frustrating aspects of all this is my wife’s denial that it could be menopause and not getting help and the time factor. Everything I have read indicates this could go on for 10 years! Yikes!!! If she would admit to what is going on and she is being “difficult” and to bear with her, a guy could put up with the how long a lot easier.
For me, some days are really good and some days, like today, have been really bad. It’s hard to be blamed for everything that goes wrong even if it’s not your fault. Today I feel like I’m at the end of my rope. I ended up in church today and prayed and cried asking God to give me back the woman I married.
You posted something about a manual to cover menopause. I think that the issue of menopause should be discussed before marriage in a marriage preparation course. Just think how different things might be if both parties had some knowledge and understanding of what might happen.
Mark, you are not alone. You need to trust in whatever God’s plan is for you and your wife. I will pray that you find the peace and the guidance you need. It is your turn to be Christ for your wife and your kids. Live a life of love and forgiveness (much easier said than done) and make your life a gift to your family. No matter what happens make your example will be like Christ was for His church. God Bless you!
(USA) Hi Mark, I’m 50 yr old woman. I’m going through menopause. Menopause is tough on a women as well as the man. I Take DIM-PLUS it has helped me 100%. Natures Way Brand. I thought I was going to go nuts dealing with my hormones going crazy. Most women don’t know what to do. It’s like a Roller coaster ride that you want to get off of. My husband saw what I was going through with crying all the time, hot flashes, night sweats, no sex drive, mood swings, yelling out bursts.I wanted to be by myself at times. Getting out and going for walks will help you deal with stress. I started walking to help me deal with menopause. He went to the GNC store and bought me some Ultra Mega Menopause for women. It helped alot. I was happier, felt better, looked better. I drink Honey Vanilla Chamomile tea to calm my nerves before I go to bed.Celestial Brand. It relaxes you. Get your wife some of this tea. My prayers are with you Mark