Marriage Missions Editor Note: This article is written to wives. However, most of it could also have been written to husbands. We encourage you to glean through it and learn what will apply in your marriage concerning functional fixedness:
Dr. Melody Rhode often uses a psycho-neurological term to describe a man’s reluctance to change: FUNCTIONAL FIXEDNESS. Men don’t normally change if what they’ve been doing seems to be working for them. When a woman allows her husband to treat her with disrespect, he has no motivation to change. So it’s unlikely he ever will.
Different Blueprint Needed
Melody notes:
“There’s a simple question I ask wounded women who seek help to endure belittling or degrading treatment from their man. ‘Why does your husband treat you badly?’ Answer: It’s because he can.”
This is not, in any way, to blame a woman for the abuse. Instead, it is to develop a new blueprint for a different future. Melody continues:
“If what he’s doing is working for him, why change? He needs a compelling reason to change; and it needs to be more compelling than your unhappiness or private misery with the situation.”
Motivated to Change from Functional Fixedness?
I would think that a God-fearing man would be motivated to change simply by understanding that his actions hurt you. But I’m also a realist. Some of you may be married to a man who doesn’t much care if his actions hurt you. He cares that he is able to get what he wants. In such cases, allowing the behavior to continue while complaining about it won’t change anything. It’s not your pain that motivates him; it’s his pain. You have to be willing to create an environment in which the status quo becomes more painful than the experience of positive change.
Here’s the trap I’ve seen too many women fall into: a woman keeps expressing to her husband how he is doing something (or not doing something) that is hurting her. Even after several such conversations, he doesn’t change. Or perhaps he’ll change for a few days and then go back to his old habits, at which point the wife complains again.
No Lasting Change Concerning Functional Fixedness
Still, no long-term change. The wife reads a book or attends a seminar. And then she decides she needs to find a better way to communicate so she can get her message across. But even after this, there’s no permanent change. Her error is assuming that she’s not getting through. In point of fact, she is getting through to her husband. He may fully understand and be completely aware of her pain; but he’s not motivated by her pain. If he likes the marriage as it is, he’ll put up with an occasionally disagreeable conversation now and then.
In such cases, spouses need to make a serious evaluation. There was a point in “Jenny’s” marriage when she realized, based on her and her husband’s parents’ health history, that she and “Mike” could be married for sixty years. At the time, Jenny had been married for just fifteen years. That left, potentially, another forty-five years of being together. It also meant another forty-give years of a situation that Jenny wasn’t sure she could live with.
Unwanted Divorce
“There is no scenario in my life plan in which I want divorce —none,” Jenny told me.
“At the end of my life, my fervent hope and determination is to be, unreservedly, a one-man woman. But I also know enough not to overestimate my patience. I could put up with some disappointments. But was I willing to live with this for another forty-five years? At that point, I felt I needed to be more honest about some struggles and more up-front about making a change. It created some discomfort for a season as I stopped pretending that everything was OK. But was a season of discomfort worth changing the course of our marriage for the next forty-years? Without question!”
Without nagging and without pretty recriminations (withholding sex, the silent treatment, a critical spirit, and so forth), Jenny gently but forcefully made her husband see that as long as he acted the way he did, their marriage was going to suffer in specific ways. These ways affected him. It was only when Mike started feeling his own pain that he was shaken out of his functional fixedness enough to change his behavior.
Don’t Over-estimate or Pretend
I believe Jenny makes an important point. Be wary of over-estimating your willingness to live with a glaring hurt or a gaping need. Don’t pretend that Satan won’t exploit it or that you won’t be tempted by another man who happens to be strongest exactly where your husband is weakest. If, like Jenny, your ideal life plan leaves no room for divorce, you must honestly accept your weaknesses. You must be willing to create a climate in which your spouse will be motivated by his pain. This is a courageous and healthy movement toward your spouse and toward preserving and strengthening your marriage. It is an act of commitment, not rebellion.
All this requires a very specific application based on your spouse’s personality. I can’t give you “five steps to overcome functional fixedness” here; but you’ll receive plenty of ideas and suggestions as we touch on various topics throughout this book. [This is a good reason to obtain this book.] At this point, it’s enough to say that if merely communicating your hurt isn’t solving the problem, you’re most likely dealing with a case of functional fixedness. You’ll also need to be strong to address that issue.
The Trap of Functional Fixedness
Some women fall into the trap of failing to speak up for fear of losing their man; they don’t want to “rock the boat,” even though it appears that the boat is headed toward a waterfall. But this passive acceptance makes it more likely that the husband will stray; he won’t respect his wife for putting up with his poor behavior, and this attitude will only reinforce his disrespectful behavior. Sadly, many women think their husband’s anger is the great enemy of their security; but, if fact, weakness and the corresponding relational boredom pose a far more potent threat.
If you can stand strong and secure in your identity and in your relationship with Christ, courageously making it clear how you will and will not be treated, you will be amazed to see how to respect and show for yourself rubs off on your husband.
This Fixedness Must Change
Here’s the male insider’s view, right at the start: you have more influence over your husband than you realize. When you are a woman of respect, the last thing your husband wants is to lose you. If he thinks he can have you and his aberrant behavior, he’ll take both. But if the day comes when he knows you won’t simply turn a blind eye to what he’s doing, when he thinks he might even lose you if he continues down the path he’s walking, he’s going to be shaken out of his functional fixedness. And then he may consider making changes.
…Dr Melody Rhode sees the threat of a husband’s losing his wife as perhaps the greatest possible motivator for a husband. Of course, we have to place this within the context of a covenantal, committed marriage. The Bible is very specific and very limiting regarding what constitutes an acceptable divorce. Discontentment, seeming incompatibility, and mere displeasure don’t qualify! Melody points out, “A woman’s power needs to be surrendered to God and used for his purposes, not our own.”
You DO Have Power
She also stresses, however, that most women, because of our culture, don’t realize the power they have to move their husbands. “They feel powerless because of their sex,” she observes, “and this has resulted in a lot of pent-up anger, frustration, and even desperation.” As your brother in Christ, I’m encouraging you to be bold, courageous, and strong. Use the natural and very spiritual influence and role that God has designed for you to move the man in your life.
…Our culture in general—even Christian culture—is on a long slide toward passivity. It completely goes against who God made us to be.
Wishing Won’t Change Functional Fixedness
Let me be blunt: hope is not a strategy. Merely “wishing” that your husband would change, merely “wanting” your marriage to be different, won’t do anything. The problem is that some Christians spiritualize wishing —we call it “praying.” Please understand, I’m not knocking prayer; I’m challenging a misconception about prayer, namely, that we can merely voice our displeasure and expect our world and our relationships to be transformed. True biblical prayer is about much, much more than that. It involves receiving our marching orders and then acting on them.
A good marriage doesn’t happen by accident, and a good marriage isn’t maintained by accident. I’ve never written a book by accident, and you can’t build a business by accident. These endeavors require deliberate choices and much perseverance. When you start acting instead of merely wishing, when you begin taking initiative instead of simply feeling sorry for yourself, you become an active woman, and active women mirror the active God who made them.
Active God, Active Women
Genesis 1 provides our initial glimpse of who God is. The first thing God wants us to know is that he is an extraordinarily active God. In Genesis 1 there are thirty-eight active verbs describing what God does: he creates, he speaks, he separates, he calls, he blesses, he gives, and much more —all in just one chapter.
Then—and this is the key—he tells the woman and the man to do the same: “God blessed them [male and female] and said to them, ‘Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground’” (Genesis 1:28).
God made you, as a human being, to rule in this world, to subdue it, to act according to his image. Sin begins with sluggishness, despair, and despondency. People give up on their marriages, on prayer, their churches, their kids, and eventually even give up on themselves. They say, “It’s no use.” They start to sulk instead of painstakingly remaking their marriage —simply because their first (or even tenth) attempt failed.
Deliberate Choices
This may sound like a hard word; but readers of my previous books know I’m not one to shy away from that. Your marriage is what you make it. The relationship you have is the direct result of what you’ve put into it. And in many cases, a marriage can rise only to the level of your courage. Initial romantic intensity is unearned; it seems to fall on us out of nowhere. But marriage has to be built stone by stone. We have to make deliberate choices; we have to be active and confront the weaknesses we see in ourselves and in each other.
This article comes from the GREAT book, Sacred Influence: How God Uses Wives to Shape the Souls of Their Husbands
— ALSO —
Below are some links to additional articles. We suggest you glean through them to see if you can find more information to help you in your marriage. If the article is written to wives and you are a husband looking for answers, or the reverse is true, please read the article anyway. Look to see if you can adapt the info given to help you concerning functional fixedness in marriage.
• HOW TO RESPOND WHEN A SPOUSE WILL NOT MEET EXPECTATIONS
Filed under: Communication and Conflict Save My Marriage
(USA) I have been married nearly 15 years. My husband works long hours, and I truly am ok with his not being interested in sex, but he won’t even cuddle anymore.
And he is always making plans to do things with his life that he never follows through with. The big one being schooling. Years ago, early in our marriage, he signed up for distance learning courses, never finished them, giving the excuse that he was too busy at the time being a stay at home dad, despite the fact that it was me who was still doing most of the housework.
Now he has once again signed up for schooling, through an online university, to take courses, which will cost him $15000–mind you, he still has over $8000 in loans from the last college courses he signed up for, and never finished.
I am thinking that it will be the same again, that he will sign up for these classes, and after a few weeks or months make his excuses for why he can’t finish them, and we will then owe MORE money on student loans. Of course, this is IF the school even agrees to loan him money, I would think that they can find out about his outstanding loans that he hasn’t managed to pay off after 10 years, and not be comfortable loaning him anything, then he will simply borrow from his company savings plan to pay for the courses.
He comes home from work and immediately goes onto his computer, spends the time that I am talking to him busy reading his email or playing a computer game, making me feel like he really isn’t paying the slightest attention to what I am saying.
I am frustrated and depressed and feeling trapped in this marriage. We have kids, so I don’t feel that I can leave. I feel more like I have a room mate than a husband.
(USA) Everyone, Sorry for all your confusing predicaments. It is amazing that you all have held on with strength, faith, and sometimes just plain gusto. This article is a great one; it’s eye opening. As it states: Don’t forget to live your physical life while focusing on the spiritual!
I think it’s important to remember that sometimes a person’s actions might be due to physical problems and nothing more, as well as spiritual problems. This does not discount the reality of God and soul, but please visit a psychiatrist or doctor as well as your pastor because it’s occasionally possible for problems to originate from the brain and nervous system and nothing more.
Many of these stories heavily resemble couples who are victims of such disorders that reduce a person’s self-control, for instance ADHD, borderline personality disorder, or perhaps bipolar. Faith and strength and wisdom go a long way, but these disorders are something of an invisible rock chained to the sufferer’s leg. Lightening this load with treatment lets the spiritual gifts of strength and wisdom be used to fuller effect!
Please try to keep a balanced perspective! While it is true that worldly and material things are distractions from the true Kingdom of the Lord, it is also true that we just live in the material world and Satan is a mind-bending wily one. That true and pure attitude of eschewing the material can be used to evil ends just as easily as turning a person to eschew the spiritual.
Keep a balanced and middle path. Consider that cause and effect sometimes just plain happens in the material world regardless of Jesus or Satan or anything of that nature, even while your inner life happens with the guidance of God. Then you might develop more clear sight than before, enabling you to take the proper steps to heal the victims: yourself, your family, and yes, even the one causing the damage might just be a victim. Good luck and peace to you all!
(BANGLADESH) Men and women both try to be on their best behavior during the dating phase of their relationship. But when it progresses to marriage, the actual comfort zone often decays as both partners reveal their true colours.
Hello thanks for taking the time to read about the mess in my life. Not only does my husband disrespect me, our son does the same thing to his fiancé. It’s extremely difficult to talk with either one of them when there’s a disagreement. My situation used to be physical abuse, now it’s more verbal. Not only that, our son is a mirror image of his dad and the both of them tend to but heads often. It’s almost as if they hate women. What bothers me the most is our son has four children between 14-9; one is his daughter. With me being a mother, I shared with my son that the way he conducts himself in a negative disrespectful manner will make your children think this is how we should react in life.
This is extremely scary for me. I want the generational curses broken. My son has his dad’s personality. Help me and my potential daughter in law.
We’ve been married almost 46 years and really our marriage is beyond any hope. We had sex once on our wedding night that was our first and last. He never has slept with me except maybe a couple hours on our wedding night. The next morning he was gone. He left a note telling me he went home; he had to go to work.
I took a cab home and I found all his stuff in the basement. I was confused and upset and called his work. I was told he was there at work but had no reason to talk to me. When he got home I screamed and hollered at him. He didn’t pay any attention to me and went downstairs. I followed him and demanded what was wrong. I was told to go away and never come downstairs again, be quiet and leave him alone. I cried for days and finally went to the doctor. He gave me some anti-depression drugs and they have been my friends for all these years. I do have to admit I also go to a shrink twice a week.
He hasn’t any friends and goes no where. All he does is work the midnight shift and work in his shop. He looks horrible, dresses in 60’s clothes. I think he bought them at the thrift store. He has a long, ugly, gray beard.
I have tried everything… to where I’ve given up and went to counseling myself, but he won’t go. He makes financial desisions that have put us in a lot of difficulty more than once, some things sexually he has done that I’ve told him I didn’t like or it was painful and it didn’t help my interest. So you would think if he wanted more he’d make those changes… he is passive… won’t talk… never apologizes. I have disagreed with things and it didn’t matter he did it anyway. I’ve suggested he get counsel elsewhere if he didn’t think I knew what I was talking about and we could discuss it… Where do you say enough is enough?
I have a husband exactly like this. We’ve tried marriage counseling and still, in his mind, he does NOTHING “wrong” or can require different actions on HIS part. Even though he has been explicitly told otherwise. The kids hate it. Expressing my thoughts or point of view are met with derision. I’ve been told THIS WILL NEVER CHANGE, because HE WILL NEVER CHANGE (for whatever reason -saw it growing up, no empathy, whatever…).
Please, don’t put a ton of thought into what you’re doing “wrong” -start to focus on what you would like to do that makes life enjoyable. If you wish to stay longer in the marriage -start looking for activities AWAY FROM HIM that you’d enjoy. It will really help. DO NOT ALLOW your children to copy his behavior, even if you have to talk to them separately, away from him. DO your BEST not to respond to him at all if he’s disrespectful. This may mean altering your conversations around him, but not around your kids (i.e. limit the number of possible situations where he can use it as a way to disrespect you).
You just described my husband almost to the tee. Just missing cursing me or, ridiculing me, making sure I know I am a nothing and playing childish mind games on me constantly. I’m so sorry you have to go through that, I’m be praying for you.
What I get from my husband is the childish non verbal games. He makes a mess, then tries to play the victim. We have been married for over twenty years and you would think he would have grown at some point! I’m not interested in his behavior anymore- I want to live happy.
I was a heroin addict for 10 yrs. My husband knew this before we married. I asked before hand if I was to relapse if he would leave me and he said the first time no but he would make me go to rehab and set boundaries. After 2 yrs sober 7 months into our marriage unfortunately I relapsed for 4 week’s. I lied, stole money from our account, and risked the safety of our family.
I went to rehab came home got a job and have been obeying the boundaries that’s been put in place. He’s trying to decide whether or not he will be able to trust me and if he’s going to divorce me. I didn’t commit adultery during my relapse. There is a girl he works with that he gives a ride to everyday either on his motorcycle or in his car. The other night I looked at the texts between the two of them and some were of sexual content and he has also had her over for coffee while I wasn’t home. I had at one point asked him if there was anything going on between them and he said no, so when I confronted him about the texts he said they were jokes because of an accusation of an affair.
We are a Christian family but both have taken a step back from God. But for the last several weeks I’ve been back in church as well as attending rehab aftercare at a faith based recovery facility 3 night’s a week after work. He says this other woman is his only friend, which hurt. I told him it did and his response was because of my relapse I’ve lost the friend title and I’m just his wife. He won’t attend counseling or do anything to work on our marriage together and as of now I don’t know what to do. Please help.
I’ve been married only 5 months… we’ve been together a little over three years. He works and is an amazing provider and at times he’s very good to me and our kids. He had 2 kids previously and I had 2 before him as well. I don’t work but I am in college, I take care of all 4 kids by myself for the most part, keep a clean house, keep the laundry done, and cook everyday. My husband is frequently mean to me, too rough, makes fun of me, calls me names, cusses at me, acts like he works and pays for everything and I do nothing. He has even yelled at me in public or in front of family; the kids are tired of the arguing.
I’ve gotten to where I have no confidence and feel depressed. I’ve tried talking to him about it… he usually says he’s sorry and things are better for a few days. I’ve even left him several times. He promises to change, I come back, and the change lasts a few weeks. He’s an alcoholic but if he doesn’t drink he just sleeps and the grouchiness is worse. I’ve prayed. Felt it didn’t work. I feel like giving up. I’ve dreamed of leaving but with no job, money, and no family to help with the kids while I work and go to college I’m stuck. And really, we’re a good family but the emotional abuse is tearing me down.
Hi, I read your post and my heart goes out to you. What I am about to tell you will be of little help but I want it to serve as a future reminder. I have spent 30 years with a man not unlike yours. I have no money, no friends and I am forced to do cleaning jobs to buy food etc. as he is not a good provider and in 30 years I have had nothing. Our home is a mess; I have never had the simple things in life like haircuts, new underwear.
It all sounds so silly but with four children to bring up and not a penny to our name as he does as little as possible (and that’s been 30 years) so he will never change and as soon as my last child reaches 18 I will be off. I would rather sleep on the streets than spend any more of my shameful life with him. I do feel very ashamed when I think how much I’ve put up with and now at 51 I am still putting up with it for the sake of my children. But in truth they have seen how he treats me and they now as adults do the same, so I really have messed up.
So, what I am trying to say is we only get one life please, please, leave now while you can get help from social agency’s as believe me there is nothing worse than sitting down and realising you have lost 30 years of your life already and there is no getting it back. So please believe me – get out now as these people never change and you will you will get weaker and he will destroy your every being. Good luck, my thoughts are with you.
Brittany, I feel your pain. I have been married, retired, and moved away from family and friends who love me. Things fell apart after, and I found myself up and down the highway to regroup, giving it a few days to go back. When I did it was ok for a few days then out of no where it would start back up with cussing, grabbing, and mental abuse. Then he gave both of us a knife. I was scared to death, so scared that I talked my way out of it by saying I have no fear in man, but in God… that I needed my sons and family.
I have been accused, mentally, physically, and verbally abused. What I’m saying to you is don’t stay in something that will not change. It gets worse. Think of your children. If a boy does not respect you, then you don’t need him. There are places for you and your kids to go. Speak about it and don’t think it’s going to be ok. Call this hotline… they will help: 800-799-7233. My advice is to get out. Always have a Plan B… have emergency bags ready to go to make a mad dash. My heart goes out to you. Don’t let anyone steal your joy. Have peace in your heart. If you love you and the safety of your children, and he knows you have no where to go, he will use that. Be strong or the stress will kill you. I was married 4 months, was jumped by my husband 3 times, but he did not hit me. He verbally abused me, and it’s way worse than mental or physical… again, get out.
Brittany, I don’t know where you are at with your situation now, but I looked up on the web site and found this. Get with the Hotline for abused women and your children are a part of it. If you don’t love yourself, think of your children.
My husband refuses counseling. He emotionally disconnects and cuts me off when he’s angry at me. This can go on for weeks on end. We have had so much counseling, marriage intensifies and seminars. He knows what he’s doing and how he’s hurting me but he doesn’t seem to care. He says he does not want a divorce and his only solution was for us to live in two separate homes. He also wants me to sign a post nuptial agreement that I don’t want to sign. I finally bought a home to move into and now he’s angry even though that was his solution. In the past I have over functioned in the marriage by trying to figure out ways to fix it. I’m tired and don’t want to do that anymore. But he just sits back and refuses a divorce but won’t be proactive about working on the either. I don’t know what to do.
How can you continue a relationship when it’s so one sided and distrusting? Both people are Christians, but being born again only helped both stop doing outward things. But with one of them that old man keeps sticking its head up, repenting then up again, repenting, then up again. This is done over, and over, with no consistency. I’m happy in Jesus and I want to stay that way, not treated in a ungodly way; that is not God’s plan for me. Jesus came that we might have life and… abundantly, not lacking anywhere in Him. Self-righteousnessness has a lot to do with things and knowing it all with no room to be told another perception without it appearing like you are challenging them. Well, in the meantime, til my change comes, I will continue to serve, and worship God because I love Him.
This does NOT include domestic violence. We need to meditate on 1 Peter 4. Ephesians 6:12 says, For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, powers, rulers of the darkness of this world, spiritual wickedness. Basically Satan. So husbands caught up in the wake of “the fall” trapped by Satan… not willing to change? No surprise. I am there too. A rebellious and prideful “Christian” husband. No fear of God and teaches Sunday School. Yeah, I have one. Yet, I know, that I know, that I know God called me to marry him. I have two beautiful children Adopted from Korea to prove it. Can’t adopt children from Korea without a husband or an infertile man (long story). :)
To this, I say God gives His toughest battles to His strongest warriors. We need not be victims but feel PRIVILEGED that God is using US….lil’ ole’ US for His glory. Tough pill to swallow. Suffering in generally just seems unbearable. I used to think I stay for the salary. Our child has Autism and I stay home so I can be there for both of our kids. For this, I am grateful. Now I realize I stay for God’s glory. Let’s face it, God can and is able to cover our living expenses. Jesus suffered so much more than I am, yet I am sinful and He is not. He didn’t deserve to suffer. So when I’ve asked WHY GOD? I look at Jesus, His suffering and sacrifice and say to myself… Why Not? My sinless brother, God’s son, endured such suffering. And at this moment, though it’s difficult, God has not asked me to suffer as much as He. I have become more heavenly minded.
Understanding our life on earth is nothing but a vapor and eternity is going to be paradise and forever. Hallelujah! Isaiah 54:5 says, “For your husband is your Maker, Whose name is the LORD of hosts; …Like a wife forsaken and grieved in spirit, Even like a wife of one’s youth when she is rejected, I am your husband” Says your God.…I’m allowing God to fill in the gaps. Although the work is hard and persevering difficult, I also have fantastic, strong, honest Christian friends to help me through and offer godly wisdom. I am so grateful for them! All the while God continues to equip and change ME to ultimatelyfulfill my call here on earth (our kids) and prepare me for the one in eternity with Him.
Reading this article gave me an idea…since I have continued to call my husband out when necessary and it works only for a time, I’m going to withdraw money from our bank account, hold it in an envelope and the next time he rages, comes home late without calling, or is not loving me sacrificially as Christ loves the church without genuinely repenting, I’m going to give him the envelope and tell him to go take a time out in a hotel. I will no longer allow my children to think his example is acceptable. If I had an adult child not willing to follow the law of love in our family, I would tell that child if he/she wants to live rebelliously, then he should do that under his own roof. If my husband continues to act like a child, he should be treated as such. Will God’s envelope of money change my husband? Only He knows. Should my husband leave and return, I will treat him like the prodigal and throw him a feast. I will do this one time.
Setting the precedent that he can leave and come back is not biblical since the prodigal went away ONCE repented. And at least in doing this, I will be leading my children by example and showing them there are consequences to not living God’s way. Which by the way doesn’t mean to be perfect, but WHEN we sin, we are called to REPENT which means to be truly sorry and make a change. I believe repetitive wrong, behavior is form of passive, aggressive abuse. And we all need to remember HURTING PEOPLE HURT PEOPLE, but we are also called to correct and speak the truth.
Needless to say, I am standing firmly on 1 Peter 4, continuing to be equipped by God with the following resources and real support from people and in the end, when either I die on earth or the trumpet sounds, I want Him to find me in Him and not allowing my husband’s behavior to define my character and my reactions, nor will I continue to place him as an idol in my life which is ultimately what we are doing when we focus on our husbands so much. We need to find our identity in Christ. Not in how people treat us. If the apostle Paul can write from his prison cell knee high in sewage, REJOICE AND AGAIN I SAY REJOICE, we can rejoice too. Just like Paul, we all feel trapped and imprisoned by our marriages.
It’s sad to read all these stories, but I take solace in the fact that I am not alone! If you’re willing to stay, in order to thrive in our circumstances, we need to get our minds off ourselves and BE A BLESSING TO OTHERS. Feed the hungry, clothe the poor as Jesus asked us to. THAT is how He is going to find this WARRIOR when He comes for her. How we live the rest of our lives on this earth is completely in our control with God’s help. Response (or lack thereof) is everything. Jesus took such a beating (not that I’m asking spouses to be abused.
FYI: my marriage is sexless thanks to perversion and pornography (another story) ), but Jesus didn’t respond… and in the end, His betrayer, Judas….hung himself and sin was conquered. What would happened in OUR lives if we lived in obedience to scripture, including being confrontational and persevering until God moves…THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS! Praying for all of us. Resources: Kingdom Woman
– Tony Evans, WARRIORS: In the Spiritual Battle Victory Is Ours
– Maricarmen Campos, Unoffendable
– Brant Hansen, Living Beyond Your Feelings
– Joyce Meyer, http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-with-a-Narcissist
1 Peter 4 – Learn to Think Like Him – Since Jesus went through everything you’re going through and more, learn to think like him. Think of your sufferings as a weaning from that old sinful habit of always expecting to get your own way. Then you’ll be able to live out your days free to pursue what God wants instead of being tyrannized by what you want. Glory is Around the Corner!
Glory Just Around the Corner Friends, when life gets really difficult, don’t jump to the conclusion that God isn’t on the job. Instead, be glad that you are in the very thick of what Christ experienced. This is a spiritual refining process, with glory just around the corner.
If you’re abused because of Christ, count yourself fortunate. It’s the Spirit of God and his glory in you that brought you to the notice of others. If they’re on you because you broke the law or disturbed the peace, that’s a different matter. But if it’s because you’re a Christian, don’t give it a second thought. Be proud of the distinguished status reflected in that name!
Could you tell us specifically what “Jenny” did, please? I know it may not apply to my situation, but it might help me figure out what *I* need to do!
What I see over and over is that eventually a longer term monogamous relationship like marriage will start out happy and exciting with both spouses attracted to each other, but over time the happiness and attraction dies.
Worse yet, it is replaced by anger, bitterness and feelings of betrayal and emotional distancing. To further justify themselves about their feelings, spouses will begin to keep a careful detailed record of actual or even perceived wrongs in their minds… and in their hearts. Eventually thoughts of “life would be better without them” which then eventually leads to life would be better with someone else creeping in. People have a tendency to convince themselves that the grass on “this side of the fence” is wrong… it’s bitter… I only have but so long to eat grass… I can’t waste my life eating this yucky grass on this side of the fence, and wow look at all that yummy grass on the other side of the fence! Yeah, my life sucks because of this grass here but it would be so much better if I can somehow get some of that other grass on the other side of the fence! (Hopefully my little analogy about fences and grass is not lost on the city folks that we’re talking about people and marriage.)
In case my words are being read by someone in that situation, well let me say this to you loud and clear… NO MATTER HOW GOOD A STRANGER SEEMS… NO MATTER HOW ATTRACTIVE A CO-WORKER APPEARS and NO MATTER HOW SEXY OR YUMMY THAT OTHER PERSON LOOKS TO YOU, THERE’S PROBABLY SOMEONE OUT THERE THAT HAS HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH OF THEIR CRAP. Yep -believe it or not. And will you really know the whole story by just hearing their side? NO WAY!
And if you think leaving to be with another person will fix things I am here to tell you maybe… probably for a season of time it will -but don’t be naive, most likely after a time with that new person, you might be right back to the same hurts, the same disappointments the same bitterness and the same feelings of betrayal. Nothing changed and nothing got fixed except now you have the baggage of divorce to tote around with you and deal with.
So in case this is you -The grass always looks greener on the other side but it’s not usually actually greener on the other side. I assure you there’s a cow munching that same grass over there on the other side of the fence that has had just about all they can stand of that crappy grass and is looking at your grass thinking it looks pretty good.
This is because people tend to portray themselves to the public as good… as desirable… as sexy. They make themselves attractive, they hide their faults and their flaws, and if you eventually get close enough to have intimate conversations they will portray themselves as victims; wonderful beautiful people that are victims of this other horrible, terrible spouse. BUT YOU DONT KNOW WHAT IS REALLY GOING ON IN THEIR MARRIAGE OR WHAT THAT PERSON IS REALLY LIKE… and like the grass on your side of the fence, given time and disappointments and hurts and emotional betrayal and distancing that person will be just the same as the one you are with right now.
So be careful with the fantasy of just getting away or with someone else it will make things right; perhaps it will for a season, but perhaps after a while of eating the grass on the other side of the fence you might realize that it’s no different or no better than the grass you had on your own side of the fence.
Just a thought. I can’t say what you should or should not do… leave a spouse or have an affair or whatever, but when you make your choices and live your life don’t be deceived… THE GRASS ALWAYS LOOKS GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE FENCE.” Best wishes to everyone that reads this.
I think you are right! in some rare cases though, the grass IS greener on the other side :/ hard to make the right choice.
Very good senario! Really to the point and makes so much sense. If only people would realize before they do commit adultery! This is 100% true life in marriage..If only one would think!! Thank you!
I have been a victim of emotional abuse and disrespect meted out to me by my husband. However, it took me a long time to realize that I have indirectly contributed to my abuse and disrespect by allowing it to continue. Once I became assertive and took action, my husband changed his behavior for the better. Yet, it still bothers me that the man who is supposed to love and cherish me fixed his bad behavior as a result of the consequences I subject him to. To this day I can’t get over the fact that he treated me so disgustingly.
Annie, can you please describe what ‘action’ you took and why your husband was motivated by your actions? My husband speaks to me with less respect than the dog. He is patient and polite with others but to me he feels he can unleash and degrade. Other family members, both his and my own have said they don’t know why I put up with it. But when we’re alone I do tell him not to speak to me that way and that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life being disrespected. But then he turns it around and blames me and seemingly can’t understand that it’s him.
I’m a positive happy, polite person,and suddenly he just snaps at me because I asked a question or got in his way. I get such a shock every time, I should be used to it, but it makes no sense to me so I still get shocked by it. Gradually I’ve given up many of my interests and now follow his. At the moment I work and he doesn’t, having quit his distressing job.
I’m a good wife and want the marriage to work, it is the second marriage for us both, so we both need to learn and not just give up. I’ve seen councelors but he will not. Nothing has changed. I don’t want to continue to be put down and isolated partly because of my duty to my own life and also because it sets a bad example to my daughter who hates the way he speaks and reacts to me. Perhaps your actions would work with my husband also.
I truly enjoyed reading the article; it was very refreshing and insightful. It is a blessing to read about those trying to keep marriages together instead of finding a quick fix to end them. Nothing in life is perfect nor promised we are here today and can be gone tonight or tomorrow. Satan is very busy and a lot of us have been deceived by World’s Meaning of Marriage versus God’s True Meaning of Marriage. God created the World; the World didn’t create God!! We need to Pray for God’s Discernment in our life decisions. Thank you for all your support and awareness given in your article. May God continue to use you to Help and Bless others who struggle to find their way in the walk of Marriage.