This [article] will discuss the four major needs of a woman and the ways they are met. A woman’s four basic needs are security, affection, open communication, and leadership. Because security is the most basic need, we will discuss that first.
Security is More Than Finances
Although security is a very broad term and general in meaning, nevertheless, it is a woman’s greatest need. Whether a woman is growing up with her parents or living with her husband, she has the genuine need to be secure. A woman needs to know she is safe and well provided for in every aspect.
A wife’s basic need for security is satisfied by adequate protection and provision given by God through her husband. The husband must communicate four things to his wife to satisfy her need for security.
1. He Must Communicate That He Cares for His Wife Above Anyone or Anything Except God.
When a woman senses her husband is preoccupied or detached from her in some way, she will immediately feel insecure. She wants to know her husband is tuned in to her needs and concerns. A woman can discern instinctively if her husband truly is caring for her properly.
The best way a husband can determine if he is caring for his wife properly is simply to ask her, “Honey, do you feel like I’m caring for you properly? Do you feel provided for and protected?”
If she says yes, he can know he is meeting her needs, but if she says no, then he should listen carefully as she explains why not. Most men are not preoccupied with trying to “get my wife off my back” and keep her from demanding too much, rather than being totally committed to meeting her needs, regardless of the cost.
Feeling Cared For Is Important
A woman learns to recognize when a man is not really committed to caring for her. Her situation is similar to the man who has a selfish and greedy boss. All men want to get the most they can out of employment, and their employer holds the keys. If they work for a selfless and generous employer, they feel secure and optimistic. If they have a boss who is distracted, overly demanding, or selfish, they lose a sense of security and joy.
She’s Sensitive to Your Actions
Your wife’s well-being and prosperity are greatly dependent upon you. She is very sensitive to your actions and attitudes for good reason. You need to understand and accept this. Consider what it would be like for a sensitive, caring employer to come up to you tomorrow and say, “You know, I’ve really been thinking about your lately. I wonder if there is anything I can provide for you to make your job more enjoyable. Also, am I paying you enough?”
That would be any employed person’s dream. Well, every woman’s dream is to have a husband who will manifest this same attitude. Regularly communicate to your wife that you are available and desire to meet her needs. Then, care for her. You will be pleasantly surprised by how well your wife responds to her new atmosphere of security.
A Man’s Fears
A man often fears what his wife will do when he makes himself totally available to meet her needs. That is the last thing to fear. You simply cannot imagine what a woman will do for her man if he will envelope her in an atmosphere of total security by laying down his selfish ways to meet her needs.
Again, think about your employer. Wouldn’t you do more and sacrifice more for a boss who served you and cared for you sacrificially? Or do you think you would lounge around the workplace while ordering your boss around and abusing him?
Simply because you have become humble and have committed yourself to meeting your wife’s needs doesn’t mean you lose your authority or manhood. True and lasting authority is built, not broken, upon the foundation of sacrificial servanthood. It is leadership by example, not ego.
2. A Husband Must Communicate His Admiration and Love for His Wife.
A woman can never hear too often how pretty she is or how much her husband loves her. A woman blossoms fully in an atmosphere of praise and adoration, but she wilts and dies in the presence of perpetual silence or criticism.
Although a man must speak at times some words of correction or displeasure to his wife, these words must come from a source the woman knows is supportive and friendly. When you praise your wife and convince her of your love in real ways, you have then earned the right to also correct her. However, if all you do is point out her flaws and bad point, your wife will become insecure and bitter.
MARRIAGE MISSIONS SUPPORTIVE NOTE: We can help you a bit with this. Below is a link to affirming words you can say to your wife. Just make sure they apply! Also, elaborate a bit on the point you are making. So, if you struggle to find just the right words to say to your wife here’s a pretty good list to start with:
• 102 WORDS OF AFFIRMATION EVERY WIFE WANTS TO HEAR
Every woman is the reflection of her husband.
Women reflect in their faces, attitudes and appearances how they feel about their husbands and their environments. When a man creates an atmosphere of praise and respect for his wife, it makes a noticeable difference in everything she does. She radiates and reflects love and respect from every area of her life.
When a man constantly criticizes his wife or makes her dig for shallow compliments, she will reflect her insecurity. Women naturally gravitate to people and places where they will receive compliments about themselves. Men do, also. For a woman to have to go outside her home to receive praise is an indictment on her husband. What often comes next is even more serious.
What Tempts
I (Jimmy) have counseled many married couples who have had affairs. Sometimes it is the man, and sometimes it is the woman. Although affairs are always sinful and devastating to a marriage, you need to understand what tempts a woman to have an affair. It isn’t sex. Women have affairs because they meet a man who will talk to them and make them feel special.
Compliments Are Important
Women are turned on by men who compliment them and make them feel good about themselves. The best insurance a husband can possibly have that his wife will never have an affair is an atmosphere of praise and encouragement that he creates in which she can live. If he will do this, his wife will be drawn to him, and she will not be hungry for love when someone else comes along offering compliments and affection.
If he does not, although she may not participate in an affair, her hunger for love will cause her to wrestle with unnecessary temptations and fantasies. Here are some simple rules for praising your wife:
Be sincere.
Say good things you really mean, and say them a lot.
Say something about every area of her life.
Do not just concentrate on physical things, although she needs you to physically affirm her often. Compliment her mind, her heart, her character, her motherhood, her cooking and so forth. Let her know that you are totally proud of her.
Never use sarcasm.
Never compliment your wife in a backhanded manner. It isn’t cute; it will damage her spirit. For example, don’t say, “Hey, you have a great body —under all that fat!”
Earn your words of correction.
For every one thing you correct or confront, give numerous compliments.
Praise your wife every day and never stop.
Send cards, flowers, love letters, anything that will communicate your love and respect.
3. A Husband Must Communicate His Faithfulness.
Whistling at pretty girls walking down the street is understandable for teenage boys, but it is inexcusable for a married man. Jesus said that if a man even looks upon a woman with desire for her in his heart, it is the same as adultery. Adultery is not simply a physical act; it is an attitude.
Many men have never slept with a woman outside of marriage; nevertheless, they may carry a spirit of unfaithfulness. Women can pick up on this immediately, and it makes them insecure. A man’s heart must remain faithful, not just when his wife is present, but also when she is absent. You need to communicate regularly to your wife that she is the only one you desire. You must convince her that she is the most beautiful woman in the world to you.
Don’t Compare
Unfaithfulness also is communicated by comparing your wife with other women. This is the kiss of death. Whenever you compare your wife’s anatomy, behavior, intelligence or cooking to those of another woman —especially your mother —you have made a big mistake. The only time to compare your wife with another woman is when you are complimenting her.
Another no-no is to habitually watch other women through magazines, television shows, movies or real life. Although you may think it is harmless, it isn’t. It’s the same as your wife looking at or talking about other men all of the time. It is dishonoring and sinful. In any relationship where one person is out of control in an area, the other person normally will compensate.
Porn Causes More Problems
Men want their wives to be sexually responsive. Did you know that a dirty movie or other pornographic material is the very worst thing to use in an attempt to make a woman sexually responsive? When a woman feels you are looking at other women or have other problems with unfaithfulness, she will instinctively withdraw from sex to compensate for your problem.
When you demonstrate sexual purity and restraint outside the bedroom, your wife can be free and responsive in the bedroom. Your purity will provide the security she needs to actually blossom.
Don’t Talk About Divorce
Also, a husband should never threaten to divorce his wife. Don’t even talk about divorce. Lose the word. Many married people discuss divorce as a threat to get the other spouse’s attention. The only one to profit from such threats is the devil. He loves divorce because it damages God’s creation so terribly. So, when divorce is even a remote possibility in your mind, the devil works overtime to make it a reality. Also, your wife will become insecure if you talk about it, especially if you use it to manipulate or scare her.
4. A Husband must Communicate His Dedication to Provide Financially.
Finances are one of the most important areas of security for a woman. A wife needs the assurance that her husband is committed to providing for her financially. A man communicates his commitment to provide financially in four ways:
Praying for God’s blessing and direction.
A woman is tremendously comforted to know her husband is praying and seeking God for financial direction and provision. It also is very helpful when a man leads his wife in prayer when financial pressure comes. If he will, he can avert many problems from occurring in their relationship as well as invoking God’s blessing and provision. The old saying, “The family who prays together stays together,” is true.
Aggressively seeking the best employment possible.
Although we know that God is our provider, it still is important to knock on doors and seek opportunities.
Being a hard and faithful worker.
A wife needs to know her husband is honest, faithful and hard-working. When a man is dishonest, lazy or changes jobs too often, he violates his wife and makes her insecure. Even if it means foregoing some income or benefits, a husband needs to be careful not to sacrifice his wife’s security. This is very important.
Being a wise money manager.
When a husband is a diligent steward of God’s money, his wife feels secure. This is not a license to be stingy or unreasonable tight with money but an opportunity for managing the money and paying the bills. It is extremely important to your wife for you to manage the family’s money and resources wisely.
This article comes from the book Marriage on the Rock: God’s Design for Your Dream Marriage
Filed under: For Married Men
(USA) Lol @ the man having to provide for her financially. This is the 21st century. Women are expected to provide for themselves now -or at least 50/50. Homemakers are for women in subordinate, stereotypical positions. I guess the Bible reads “women are not equal to man,” because that’s how you’re portraying it. You can’t have your cake and eat it, too.
(USA) That may be the world but God doesn’t change. He says the woman is to care for the home and the children while the husband provides and a man that does not is worse than an unbeliever. Don’t shoot the messeneger, it’s all in God’s word.
I know there are women that have to work and I applaud them but if “the” women we have heard of here were not in those factories there would be less temptation, especially those that are there because they are broke. They go right for the big earners.
I love having my doors held open, no libber here. I don’t want my cake and eat it too, I just don’t want anyone else in my cake!
(USA) I’m surprised no one commented to Paul’s post! I applaud this good brave sir. The Bible says “love does not envy” but I envy a lot of you people. I just apologized to my husband (who is passive aggressive) for not giving him his space that men needed. I felt like a fool and the things I have said is just horrible! Did that account for much? Nope.
I am always ready and equipped to take responsibility for my actions. Here lately, things have gotten worse though. I’m tired of feeling like I’m by myself. I want to change but not at the expense that I share my love or feelings with a self absorbed human being. This man is passive aggressive for crying out loud, and everyone tackles me and tells how wrong I am but no one addresses his issues or his past hurts. I already know I need to change but for once I wish people would talk to him and stop looking at me as if I am married to myself.
I told my husband I find I have a brain aneurysm or tumor. I’m divorcing flat out. There’s nothing he can say but he doesn’t care. I’m crying for help but I’m getting ignored. My dreams are coming true… Everyone is turning their backs on me after I’m there to help them. Thank you cruel world; thanks a whole a lot.
(US) I’ve been married 11 years. During this entire marriage to my husband, I have never felt provided for or secure. He has always made less money. This was not a big deal at first because I knew he would be going back to school to get a better job. He did go back to school, obtained several degrees but still he could not and has not obtained a better paying job than when he had NO degree. Although the economy has some play in it, I just find that he has no ambition to really fight for our family and find a better job. I say this because he will send his resume and just wait. No follow up letter, phone call or anything. He refuse to network with people who maybe can help him get a better job.
He is now working for a family member making just enought money to pay a few bills in the house. We are so in debt (he has 90K in student loans alone) and with the money he makes we will never get out of debt. I work myself sick making sure the mortgage is paid and all the other bills. What really sent me over the top was when I spoke to a friend and got him a job at a local plant in our town. After 6 months, he explained to me that he didn’t like the job anymore (the money was decent, the most he has ever made). He really felt that with his degrees the job was beneath him. He had no consideration for the fact that he carried our entire family on his insurance.
Because of my work as a private contractor I am able to get insurance for our family, however it costs $600 a month when he was paying only $60 a month with much better coverage. Instead of quitting like he said he was going to do, he got fired after being there for a year. I feel he forced them to fire him hoping to get unemployment. However they denied him for over 90 days. Now he has a year of work history that he can’t use because he was fired. I often times sympathize with his situation.
At this point it’s hard for me to be supportive and say the things a wife should. Now he finds time to have inappropriate conversations with women on social media networks (talking about sex and calling them sexy). This makes me enraged at the fact that I’m doing all I can to help our family but he is seeking the attention of other women. I’m at my wits end and I feel like this marriage is over. I still love him but I need a husband, not a roommate who can’t and has never pulled his weight. We have one child who adores him and it saddens me that she will not be with her father. Not sure if we should go to couseling or just head for the lawyers office… feedback please!
(USA) Seek counseling. Give him an ultimatum. Find out if you and/or the kids are at all important to him. Pray.
“Many men have never slept with a woman outside of marriage; nevertheless, they may carry a spirit of unfaithfulness. Women can pick up on this immediately, and it makes them insecure.” I’m curious, exactly what does this mean? It seems to me, that some men are actually never going to be unfaithful.
Please read all of point #3. What it says is that if a man is flirting with other women, the wife feels betrayed, violated, devalued, and unloved. To her, it’s a type of unfaithfulness. You’re right in saying that some men will never be unfaithful physically. But when they are unfaithful emotionally through flirtatious actions and thoughts, it hurts their wives deeply, and causes problems in the marital relationship. (This goes for husbands with flirtatious wives, as well.) It’s not only the physical act of intercourse that embodies adultery, it also includes other teasing types of talk and actions, and emotional connection, as well.
Jesus said, “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Whether the “lustful intent” would lead to intercourse or not, those who are involved with someone other than their spouse is still participating in a form of adultery.
I am a younger man, never been married, educated and morally sound in judgement and perception. I’ve noticed the women of my age group become so confused in the way they believe they should look, act and communicate with men on a relationship level. I see men down grade them and ridicule them to the point they accept this treatment and behavior from “men” as normal. I feel that the image that pop culture has shown of a “dominate man” and “dominate woman” has distorted the truth of the Good moral Man and Woman, that these images have been just accepted and no one asks questions.
The truth is as I understand it to be we all want to be Loved, Respected, Valued and Understood. I know that life isn’t easy as you do; it takes effort right? Happiness is yours to go after; it doesn’t mean you’ll keep it or maintain it. Find out what you truly believe and cling to it, (think) about what to say and when it’s time let it flow from your heart, speak as if it were someone you deeply respect, don’t use (YOU) instead say “I feel like…” “It hurts me when…” It’s the I absolutely love you randomly, that’s received the best. Know that love is an action verb and an adjective. A noun love isn’t always pleasant but if there’s a GOOD ABSOLUTELY MORAL behind it then stick it out. Just because you don’t see it, it doesn’t mean it’s not there.
Remember this very important thing when you’re digging down deep to build this thing called love. Remember that when Jesus was tested he for goes the pleasures offered by him who I don’t name. For the pain of the cross for this idea called love and leadership be strong and no your heart and pray pray pray and don’t ever stop. Love you all, God Bless, Happy Holidays
Thanks for opening my eyes and making me understand what my wife has been trying to tell me all along. Sometimes it’s harder for some people to get across a message or to say something without making it sound the complete opposite, but you have put it in a very simple and understanding way that cannot be misconstrued. Thank you for sharing your wisdom, and knowledge so that people like me still have a chance to save a relationship with the most precious selfless considerate woman I’ve ever known… My wife… Jessica!
Reading this article makes me more angry and bitter, knowing this will never come from my CHRISTIAN husband.
I am struggling in a marriage with three children through abuse and neglect and bullying and not getting my needs met. This is 17 years of enduring torment. I feel like I am one of his children, being suppressed and not been treated dignity and respect.
First up, I confess that I’m not a practicing Christian but this article is without doubt one of the most accurate I’ve read. If I met a man who was like the one described in this article I would never dream of straying. Instead I had a husband who provided financially and snuck around using porn, never once complimenting me in twenty years. I felt ugly and worthless, like I could never compare to those women, especially after four kids and even when I expressed this he did nothing to convince me otherwise. I was starved of affection; my self esteem was rock bottom.
Then I met a man who saw some spark in me. I didn’t have an affair but I left my marriage and am still a year later talking to that man. I feel special, I feel attractive, I’m smiling again. My husband wants me back but I imagine he’s likely still dreaming of his porn stars. When I see him at a family function he’s checking out a twenty year old waitresses cleavage… all the while claiming to love me.
My children think he is wonderful and I am horrible to hurt him so by leaving. He has all the money. I have none and no job, as well. Was I wrong to leave? Even when we had tried counselling, six years and he was still sneaking porn and could never find an attractive thing about me.
A man’s word is RESPECT and a Woman’s word is LOVE. Sit down and have a smooth communication. Learn the primary needs of a woman for love and the primary needs of a man for respect. Try to avoid the vicious cycle of conflict usually called the crazy cycle whereby a man will react without respect and a woman will react without love.
Any man with the intelligence of a shoe will pick up on what this is saying. If you want the things men want from their wives, and OFTEN- then you will do all of the above and watch what happens! I try to meet all these needs, maybe a little selfishly but we both get what we want! If you are a control freak, just tell yourself that you are controlling her, by doing those things… yeah that’s the ticket. – Happy 2 serve and get served.
The information has been of great value. I was just from a terrible downturn with my fiancé because of my lack of understanding on how to communicate with women. This article has and will continue to yield positive values for our relationship through marriage. I also appreciate the part of it being Christian faith based. Please never stop coz sometimes we men tend to think that.
I’ve studied psychology, met with psychologists, met with social workers, read many books written by doctors, individuals from divorces, researched the reasons why associated with relationships failures. I have many hours of studying. And what I find depressing on here is that this article seems to be solely directed at mens failures in the marriage. It takes a good woman to make a good man. It also takes a good man to make a good woman. Personality disorders are the sole main reason for failures in a relationship.
Individuals expectations of one another have become unrealistic to mammoth proportions. Childhood upbringing and conditioning through raising by parents sets the tone to whether or not someone is going to be marriage material or not. We are all different human beings. All men are not the same just like all women are not the same. I myself can complete an entire report as to womens faults associated with a failed marriage.
Men have needs also its not just women. Men are biological by nature and just as this article reads women are emotional by nature. When a woman doesn’t care about her husband’s biological needs any more through his eyesight, which seems to be the majority of women, especially after the marriage certificate is signed failure and breakdown of the relationship is going to happen. If you want to keep your husband happy do not change from the way you were in the beginning of the relationship. You want him to get better with security, financially and emotionally, then just as you expect him to do better, he expects the same from you. A man’s backbone is his wifes responsibility . It’s been that way since the beginning. If he is failing, you also have a part to play in his failure.
Proper communication, hearing what the other person is saying and actually listening is the key. If one person is failing at it someone is going to be unhappy. Another red flag is someone without a Christian upbringing while being a child to help mold you into the person you should be. God wanted us all to have a simple life, but nothing is simple about anyone’s life today. In fact it has become extremely complicated.
This article is really helpful to learn that a smooth communication with your wife is very important. As men we should know what women need from us to respect us and also women to know what men need from them to be loved. Communication becomes a problem when a husband and wife use codes in there communication.
I’ve been married for five years and my wife has been working for the last year. Since she has being earning she claims that her salary shouldn’t be included in the family budget and shouldn’t even follow up to know what she does with her money. I’ve never found anything new in the house since, even a single item. How should I handle this because I’m always disappointed in her asking money from me?
My wife has recently been diagnosed with Bi-Polar. She started out 5 years ago with a panic attack that left her with anxiety and depression. Over the years she has changed meds countless times. I’ve stayed by her side the entire time. In recent years she lost her job, a job she went to college for and put many hours of her life into. I’m currently the only one working. I have a regular job and I also DJ as a side gig to make some extra money for the house. We have taken a vacation for the past few years, which was a great get away and very theraputic.
Just this past week she came to me and said “I love you, but I’m not in love with you and I may want to separate or divorce.” Eventually, she told me she’s been faking love for about 3 months. I was destroyed. I couldn’t figure out how she got there. I mean I know she’s ill and she been seeing the same doc for 5 yrs. My suggestions over time were to go see a different doc but she refused. Meds just aren’t working. Her parents and family doctor have told her that she’s made a rather rash decision.
I feel like there is a need for some romance and I hope that she’s receptive to it. I’m going to try till there is nothing left to do but say ok, if that’s what you want… I’ll let go. But until then… I long for her all the time. I hunger for a touch from her hand or a gaze into her eyes. I hope she figures out that I really do love her and will do anything to save this marriage.
More Doctor Phil female pandering advice. Tell us, where’s the article written by a MAN telling women how to behave as well? Oh, women have no responsibility. Good Christian Advice – the ancients are turning over in their graves.
Chris, Go into the “For Married Women” topic and there, you will find many articles written by men, who are trying to give women insights they need. You are reading this article in the “For Married Men” topic. Of course, the counsel would be different. It’s addressed to a different audience –men, not women.
And please know that it’s not about having to “behave” but rather about learning about the differences (in general –there are exceptions) between men and women, and gleaning through what is presented so it can be applied in appropriate situations (we continually tell people that the articles presented here are not given to assume “one size fits all”). We’re each created in unique ways, which includes many differences. Differences are not wrong, not right, but different. We need to work with our differences to build relationship bridges, so both partners are satisfied (to the best of their abilities). I feel bad for you that you see this as “pandering.”
I just send this to my husband, because I feel so neglected and so deprived of his caring and touch. He betrayed my trust, he was my everything, my heaven my all. I’ve been trying to fight for our relationship for years now and I’m so tired and hurt. I still love him with all my heart, but he cares the most for his hobby, his job, and himself more than me, than us. My results after sending this lecture to him? He just want to breakup with me. I’m so hurt and so tired! Please pray for me, for God gives me the strength to continue and the direction I should go.
I’m glad that so many men finds good and direction in these lectures. Unfortunately I happened to have a husband that just sees these readings as a waste of time. He ignores them and ignores me too.