This [article] will discuss the four major needs of a woman and the ways they are met. A woman’s four basic needs are security, affection, open communication, and leadership. Because security is the most basic need, we will discuss that first.
Security is More Than Finances
Although security is a very broad term and general in meaning, nevertheless, it is a woman’s greatest need. Whether a woman is growing up with her parents or living with her husband, she has the genuine need to be secure. A woman needs to know she is safe and well provided for in every aspect.
A wife’s basic need for security is satisfied by adequate protection and provision given by God through her husband. The husband must communicate four things to his wife to satisfy her need for security.
1. He Must Communicate That He Cares for His Wife Above Anyone or Anything Except God.
When a woman senses her husband is preoccupied or detached from her in some way, she will immediately feel insecure. She wants to know her husband is tuned in to her needs and concerns. A woman can discern instinctively if her husband truly is caring for her properly.
The best way a husband can determine if he is caring for his wife properly is simply to ask her, “Honey, do you feel like I’m caring for you properly? Do you feel provided for and protected?”
If she says yes, he can know he is meeting her needs, but if she says no, then he should listen carefully as she explains why not. Most men are not preoccupied with trying to “get my wife off my back” and keep her from demanding too much, rather than being totally committed to meeting her needs, regardless of the cost.
Feeling Cared For Is Important
A woman learns to recognize when a man is not really committed to caring for her. Her situation is similar to the man who has a selfish and greedy boss. All men want to get the most they can out of employment, and their employer holds the keys. If they work for a selfless and generous employer, they feel secure and optimistic. If they have a boss who is distracted, overly demanding, or selfish, they lose a sense of security and joy.
She’s Sensitive to Your Actions
Your wife’s well-being and prosperity are greatly dependent upon you. She is very sensitive to your actions and attitudes for good reason. You need to understand and accept this. Consider what it would be like for a sensitive, caring employer to come up to you tomorrow and say, “You know, I’ve really been thinking about your lately. I wonder if there is anything I can provide for you to make your job more enjoyable. Also, am I paying you enough?”
That would be any employed person’s dream. Well, every woman’s dream is to have a husband who will manifest this same attitude. Regularly communicate to your wife that you are available and desire to meet her needs. Then, care for her. You will be pleasantly surprised by how well your wife responds to her new atmosphere of security.
A Man’s Fears
A man often fears what his wife will do when he makes himself totally available to meet her needs. That is the last thing to fear. You simply cannot imagine what a woman will do for her man if he will envelope her in an atmosphere of total security by laying down his selfish ways to meet her needs.
Again, think about your employer. Wouldn’t you do more and sacrifice more for a boss who served you and cared for you sacrificially? Or do you think you would lounge around the workplace while ordering your boss around and abusing him?
Simply because you have become humble and have committed yourself to meeting your wife’s needs doesn’t mean you lose your authority or manhood. True and lasting authority is built, not broken, upon the foundation of sacrificial servanthood. It is leadership by example, not ego.
2. A Husband Must Communicate His Admiration and Love for His Wife.
A woman can never hear too often how pretty she is or how much her husband loves her. A woman blossoms fully in an atmosphere of praise and adoration, but she wilts and dies in the presence of perpetual silence or criticism.
Although a man must speak at times some words of correction or displeasure to his wife, these words must come from a source the woman knows is supportive and friendly. When you praise your wife and convince her of your love in real ways, you have then earned the right to also correct her. However, if all you do is point out her flaws and bad point, your wife will become insecure and bitter.
MARRIAGE MISSIONS SUPPORTIVE NOTE: We can help you a bit with this. Below is a link to affirming words you can say to your wife. Just make sure they apply! Also, elaborate a bit on the point you are making. So, if you struggle to find just the right words to say to your wife here’s a pretty good list to start with:
• 102 WORDS OF AFFIRMATION EVERY WIFE WANTS TO HEAR
Every woman is the reflection of her husband.
Women reflect in their faces, attitudes and appearances how they feel about their husbands and their environments. When a man creates an atmosphere of praise and respect for his wife, it makes a noticeable difference in everything she does. She radiates and reflects love and respect from every area of her life.
When a man constantly criticizes his wife or makes her dig for shallow compliments, she will reflect her insecurity. Women naturally gravitate to people and places where they will receive compliments about themselves. Men do, also. For a woman to have to go outside her home to receive praise is an indictment on her husband. What often comes next is even more serious.
What Tempts
I (Jimmy) have counseled many married couples who have had affairs. Sometimes it is the man, and sometimes it is the woman. Although affairs are always sinful and devastating to a marriage, you need to understand what tempts a woman to have an affair. It isn’t sex. Women have affairs because they meet a man who will talk to them and make them feel special.
Compliments Are Important
Women are turned on by men who compliment them and make them feel good about themselves. The best insurance a husband can possibly have that his wife will never have an affair is an atmosphere of praise and encouragement that he creates in which she can live. If he will do this, his wife will be drawn to him, and she will not be hungry for love when someone else comes along offering compliments and affection.
If he does not, although she may not participate in an affair, her hunger for love will cause her to wrestle with unnecessary temptations and fantasies. Here are some simple rules for praising your wife:
Be sincere.
Say good things you really mean, and say them a lot.
Say something about every area of her life.
Do not just concentrate on physical things, although she needs you to physically affirm her often. Compliment her mind, her heart, her character, her motherhood, her cooking and so forth. Let her know that you are totally proud of her.
Never use sarcasm.
Never compliment your wife in a backhanded manner. It isn’t cute; it will damage her spirit. For example, don’t say, “Hey, you have a great body —under all that fat!”
Earn your words of correction.
For every one thing you correct or confront, give numerous compliments.
Praise your wife every day and never stop.
Send cards, flowers, love letters, anything that will communicate your love and respect.
3. A Husband Must Communicate His Faithfulness.
Whistling at pretty girls walking down the street is understandable for teenage boys, but it is inexcusable for a married man. Jesus said that if a man even looks upon a woman with desire for her in his heart, it is the same as adultery. Adultery is not simply a physical act; it is an attitude.
Many men have never slept with a woman outside of marriage; nevertheless, they may carry a spirit of unfaithfulness. Women can pick up on this immediately, and it makes them insecure. A man’s heart must remain faithful, not just when his wife is present, but also when she is absent. You need to communicate regularly to your wife that she is the only one you desire. You must convince her that she is the most beautiful woman in the world to you.
Don’t Compare
Unfaithfulness also is communicated by comparing your wife with other women. This is the kiss of death. Whenever you compare your wife’s anatomy, behavior, intelligence or cooking to those of another woman —especially your mother —you have made a big mistake. The only time to compare your wife with another woman is when you are complimenting her.
Another no-no is to habitually watch other women through magazines, television shows, movies or real life. Although you may think it is harmless, it isn’t. It’s the same as your wife looking at or talking about other men all of the time. It is dishonoring and sinful. In any relationship where one person is out of control in an area, the other person normally will compensate.
Porn Causes More Problems
Men want their wives to be sexually responsive. Did you know that a dirty movie or other pornographic material is the very worst thing to use in an attempt to make a woman sexually responsive? When a woman feels you are looking at other women or have other problems with unfaithfulness, she will instinctively withdraw from sex to compensate for your problem.
When you demonstrate sexual purity and restraint outside the bedroom, your wife can be free and responsive in the bedroom. Your purity will provide the security she needs to actually blossom.
Don’t Talk About Divorce
Also, a husband should never threaten to divorce his wife. Don’t even talk about divorce. Lose the word. Many married people discuss divorce as a threat to get the other spouse’s attention. The only one to profit from such threats is the devil. He loves divorce because it damages God’s creation so terribly. So, when divorce is even a remote possibility in your mind, the devil works overtime to make it a reality. Also, your wife will become insecure if you talk about it, especially if you use it to manipulate or scare her.
4. A Husband must Communicate His Dedication to Provide Financially.
Finances are one of the most important areas of security for a woman. A wife needs the assurance that her husband is committed to providing for her financially. A man communicates his commitment to provide financially in four ways:
Praying for God’s blessing and direction.
A woman is tremendously comforted to know her husband is praying and seeking God for financial direction and provision. It also is very helpful when a man leads his wife in prayer when financial pressure comes. If he will, he can avert many problems from occurring in their relationship as well as invoking God’s blessing and provision. The old saying, “The family who prays together stays together,” is true.
Aggressively seeking the best employment possible.
Although we know that God is our provider, it still is important to knock on doors and seek opportunities.
Being a hard and faithful worker.
A wife needs to know her husband is honest, faithful and hard-working. When a man is dishonest, lazy or changes jobs too often, he violates his wife and makes her insecure. Even if it means foregoing some income or benefits, a husband needs to be careful not to sacrifice his wife’s security. This is very important.
Being a wise money manager.
When a husband is a diligent steward of God’s money, his wife feels secure. This is not a license to be stingy or unreasonable tight with money but an opportunity for managing the money and paying the bills. It is extremely important to your wife for you to manage the family’s money and resources wisely.
This article comes from the book Marriage on the Rock: God’s Design for Your Dream Marriage
Filed under: For Married Men
I feel that most of these things are only partly true in my marriage. Do I have hope for a happier future relationship with this church leader?
My husband has been a dreamer ever since I met him. He has always had a million different ideas going on sometimes at the same time. He will spend money for projects and then leave them uncompleted. He is very impetuous with money. We go out to eat a lot and for the last 3 and one half years he hasn’t had a regular job because he decided to go back and finish his schooling. Which would have probably been ok if he worked steadily along the way which he didn’t even though his classes were in line. Its been 25 years of up and downs and craziness. Never feeling secure. And the thing is he doesn’t understand why any of this bothers me. He thinks I just need to trust him.
This is my marriage almost exactly. :(
My wife is always angry because of her insecurity with me. I have a full time job but it doesn’t pay enough. I’ve always been shy and I’m unable to aggressively seek jobs. I have no assertiveness unless I’m defending myself because I believe in treating others with kindness as I’m being the change I wish to see in the world and what Jesus asked of us. I experienced so much hate and anger in my life, I don’t want to partake in it. I don’t want to be involved in cut throat business where it’s about excluding the competition, exploiting others, arrogance and plenty of bullying. We can not earn more unless someone else misses out. That’s why half the world is in poverty and the other half in luxury.
So anyway I’ve almost finished a degree but there are few jobs in the industry. I like what I study and I thought to do a masters to increase job prospects, however my wife is angry about this and wants me to start over and do a Nursing degree because that’s were the jobs are. Well I’ve started doing it because she treats me with utter disrespect if I don’t. I just feel I’ve lost my identity because nursing is not me. I don’t fit in there. I’m just doing it to satisfy her insecurity and it sucks.
Why should women be disrespectful if they don’t have everything? It is impossible for everyone to have high paying jobs because society can’t have everyone as managers managing each other and paying each other thousands. So if every women is to have this attitude that a man is not a man without buying her respect then marriage is only for the rich selfish exploiters of society. I just want her respect and love me as I am value in the image of God, and that should lift me out of my own shyness because I’d feel like a man; I’d feel like I’m living and not just passing time until I become a registered nurse and hopefully get a job and then buy my wife’s respect (though nursing doesn’t pay what she thinks it does).
Thank you for this insightful article. I have been struggling with why I am having feelings towards my husband and where they are originating from so I can “fix” them. This article sums up my emotional state and now I can better address these issues within myself and in my marriage. Thank you.
These words gave me more of an understanding what truely is a marriage.
What about the four things a man needs? Here we go again; it’s always about what a women needs! Everything in society is always about what a women needs. You can’t even turn the tv on without or pick up a magazine without something written or said about what a women needs or desires. I was driving through town the other day and saw a sign that read “together women can make a difference” now if that same sign had read “together men can make a difference” there would be an uproar. How about let’s not divide the sexes and embrace them.
Did you know that more than 95% of all work related deaths are Men? Do women even realize some of the harsh realities men go through to take care of them? The tragic deaths that occur while they’re trying to provide for they’re families or society. Women do not appreciate men as a whole in America at all. Nobody talks about the problems of men in America. Why because it’s not manly or looks weak. How about the suicides that men commit in this country.
If women want to be treated equal then how about signing up for selective services to die for your country at the age of 18? Men are trashed and treated like trash in this country. If there was a house on fire what is the first thing someone would say “let’s get the women and children out of here first” or what if a bank was being robbed “let the women go first” that is why I will make a dollar more an hour.
I was raised and abused by a single mother and now I have been abused mentally and emotionally by the women I married. I will never trust a women again for anything. I have worked close to 70-80 hrs a week to provide and take of a person who does not care one bit for me. I have clothed her, fed her, sheltered her, pampered her, told her I loved her everyday, gave anything and everything she desired. How does she repay me. She ends up having an affair with my sister’s husband. She has left me broke and penniless. She has destroyed two families and does not care one bit about her actions. I will be homeless next month.
The courts have done nothing but help this woman. The courts do nothing but give women the incentive to do nothing to work on their marriage. The courts do not encourage reconciliation but divorce. They give women no incentive to work on their marriage but to be lazy. I have done everything tv, Internet, and magazines have said to do with no luck. I am tired, mentally, physically exhausted. What is the point in taking another breath?
Gene, I’m sorry that this is where you find yourself… so, so tragic. As far as the articles being all about the woman’s needs, then you need to look through the Married Woman’s topic at https://marriagemissions.com/category/for-married-women/. Women won’t go into a topic titled “For Married Men” to see what they need to do. They will go into the “For Married Women” topic. Please look through it and you will see plenty there that brings up the points you make.
But as far as the point at hand that you are addressing… I need to tell you how very sorry I am for you that you have had two women in your life who have taken such horrible advantage of you. And you are right in saying that most of the media addresses women’s “rights” and such. This is a day of entitlement. People feel victimized in ways that they aren’t necessarily… sometimes they are, such as you point out, but many times they are making much out of little.
No matter what was happening in your wife’s mind, it NEVER justifies cheating, and of course never justifies destroying two families. I hope that you are somehow able to eventually look away from her sin and wrongful actions, and look for ways to regrow your life into a healthy one. I have no doubt that will be a tough one. But many, many have done that. Please know that not all women are this way. It may look like it, but there are many, many, many of us who respect men and value them.
I pray that somehow you get to a better place. Please know that my heart goes out to you and my prayers go out for you. I pray the Lord helps you, guides you, comforts you, speaks to you, and works in and through you in this situation. I also pray God infuses hope into your heart that you will eventually experience better days –ones that will bring a smile to your heart.
It’s funny you say that there are , because on the HUNDREDS of articles I have read about how a wife can take care of her husband, I see comments exactly like this. (And I seek those articles out, but they also crop up frequently in my Pinterest suggested posts even without my looking for them.) There’s nearly always at least one woman complaining:
“But WHY aren’t there ever any articles about how men should take care of their wives?! I’m sick of seeing all these articles about what women should do for men! What about what men should do for women?”
Find any Christian female-run blogs, you are bound to find a multitude of articles toward women on how to be better wives to their husbands. There’s no shortage of either view on the ‘net. Trust me on this. Or if you don’t trust me, just run a Google search, or go visit Happy Wives Club or equippinggodlywomen.com, or Hilary Bernstein’s blog . . . the list goes on forever. The blogosphere is OVERsaturated with that stuff.
It’s okay if there are also articles for men on how to treat their wives.
I like what this article has to say. I came upon it looking for ways I can be supportive to my girlfriend. I am 45, never married…not even close. My mother has extreme signs of BPD, so most of my relationships were modeled after her; destined to fail. In 2012, I sought help, and have made great progress.
My girlfriend and I met a year ago, and began dating through mutual attraction in November. She showed me great attention and affection in the first 6 weeks or so, and then some challenges came up in our work schedules that made it hard for us to be together. Suddenly, she all but withdrew, requesting time to herself, that we are not breaking up, I have been wonderful and done nothing wrong. Much of the communication described here has been a regular part of how I speak to her.
This began a week before Valentines Day, after I had made a ton of plans to woo her… I fell for her and all her wonderful ways she showed me her feelings early on. I left all the Valentines in place, despite extreme insecurity, and we had a very nice day… as good as it could be with her feelings. When she asked for time to herself, all she could say was that there were too many things happening in her life for her to feel she was caring for each properly, and she didn’t know what she wants.
I know she is a sincere woman and there’s nobody else in the picture. Valentines Day, I felt reassured that she was still with me in heart just not so much in person but that it would pass. Thursday, 4 days later, her mom and best friend went into the hospital. 9 days later her mom is home with a cancerous tumor in her pancreas. Horrible horrible news for a 57 yr old woman and my gf 32 yrs old. How do I help her, keep her and be supportive without be selfish, insecure and needy in a relationship I already feared losing. Biggest challenge I have had in years.
The best thing you can do is to be available but not demanding. And maybe learn as much as possible about the grief process. When my father died my sister’s boyfriend was a constant fixture in the hospital waiting room throughout the days we spent by his side. I don’t remember him saying much but we all remember him being there, and it was the first time we felt that he was part of our family. They married not long after that.
So just being supportive and available is the best thing you can do. If you feel that your needs are too strong to handle her emotional detachment you might want to consider the fact that her inconsistent moods in the upcoming months might just be triggering memories of your mothers bipolar. You need to find a way to separate those feelings or else this relationship may be doomed. Losing a parent (or the fear of doing so) is a very intense and life changing ordeal. If she feels you are demanding from her at a time when she has nothing to give, then you will only hurt her and drive her away. Be the rock that she needs when everything else is shifting sand.
My marriage is on the rocks and tilting towards a divorce. Honestly, I’ve noticed a lot of our martial problems just from your short briefing! I’ve never read a book that’s kept me interested like your small paragraph that I’ve just absorbed so much from in such a small setting of words. I hope you continue to write and keep up God’s work by helping multiple married couple’s realize their negative sides and confront their good and bad sides in fault, and desires towards making a path to a better future.
I have four kids total and I feel like to losing my husband would bring forth so much distress and damage towards our family. But when we’re around each other we absolutely can’t bear it and can’t figure out why we love each other so much, but say or do demeaning things towards each other. We pray for security and often blame our surrounding instead of taken responsibilities for our actions. It’s offensive yes, but truthful over all. Long story short I can’t wait to purchase this book and see how my life changes and what good will come of it.
A great book for couples that are nearing the end of their rope or who have reached the point of discussing divorce is The Love Dare
. It is a 40 day challenge for one or both people from a Christian perspective. After years of Alanon work I know that by changing your part in a relationship for the better, you change the whole relationship for the better and model behavior you would like to see and experience from your spouse or significant other.
We all bring baggage to our relationships. The best place to start is self-care and looking at your part and what you can do to change. It is futile to try to change another, but by loving and supporting someone often they see their part in the problems. Disengage and get professional help. Divorce is worse than what most couples have on their plate to address. Some people are put in our lives to show us our shortcomings. I believe marriage is a challenge to better our side of the bridge, each do our part for the greater good. It is holy and not always happy. Happiness is from within not your spouse’s responsibility.
Your marriage is important for both of you to learn how to live a perfectly imperfect person for the rest of your life. This is everyone’s biggest challenge and even bigger when we have had difficult childhoods. Don’t give up on God, especially when you feel you can’t go on. Patience and kindness go a very long way in times of difficulty. -All the Best.
I want a marriage like this…
This article is great and an awesome read for those who desire to grow and build their relationship…as it is in the natural so it is in the spirit.
My wife has been telling me these things for almost 2 years and I have made a fool out of myself by not listening and attacking her with anger and insults. Today is the day I become a man and a real husband to my wife because I love her and she is the most precious gift God has ever given me. This all makes so much sense to me and I am excited about putting it to use. My wife is a very rare woman and doesn’t deserve anything less than a good man in her life. Thank you for opening my eyes. I will be reaching out for guidance from the Lord as well as my preacher and other Godly men.
What a blessing this was to read!!! I found the information true and could strongly relate to this and I even thought of couples I know in some of the examples given. Thank you God bless. ~ Husband and happliy married 17 years.
Thanks so much for your affirmation. May God bless your marriage even more and that of your friends marriages because you don’t just settle with being happy, but want to take your relationships to even higher levels — very refreshing and inspiring :)
Can anyone please tell me the sources used to determine the top 4 needs of men and women? I’m trying to explain this to my 16 year old daughter who is having a hard time believing that men and women are so different. Thank you!
Praying that my husband and I both will see the importance of meeting each other’s needs. We are being attacked at every angle. I want us to succeed.
I love your teaching of marriage, of relationship, partnership through God’s word. Showing how to love our partner.