Marriage Missions International

Dealing with an Emotionally Distant Spouse

Image credit: markmerrill.com

Image credit: markmerrill.com

When you are trying to save your marriage and your spouse distances himself/herself either emotionally, physically or both, you feel more alone than you ever imagined possible. You can very well understand why God said the words, “It is not good for man to be alone.” Because whether you are a man or a woman, being alone when you’re in a marriage is NOT the plan you had, nor is it one that God had when you got married.

But how do you get past the walls that have built up between you and your spouse? Is there a door that can be constructed so the husband and wife are no longer emotionally shut off to one another?

Yes, there is, but unfortunately, this is not something that can be accomplished overnight. Many different things went into building those walls, and it will take a lot of effort and time to dismantle them. And it may be that your spouse is not open to participating with you and God in this… at least in the beginning. And frankly, maybe ever.

But we have to say, that it’s well worth the effort and work to try, because in doing so, you could open a whole new world up to your spouse and in your own life in relationship with him or her.

I know, I have been there with my husband. And with prayer and perseverance to do what God lead, as He lead, in the timing that truly worked (rather than my misguided timing), made a way where God opened doors that I only dreamed was possible. And now, as I look back, I think about all the blessings I could have missed out on, and all my husband would have missed, if I had given up too soon. How sad that would have been for us and our families and friends (plus the fact that we would not have been able to participate with God in this awesome ministry of helping others who are married).

I have to reiterate though, that perseverance is a big part of what it will take for the eventual blessing to come about that you can receive —perseverance in hand with prayer to the Lord for guidance.

As difficult as it is, God tells us that perseverance is a virtue that we are to strive after. How I wish it weren’t true, because like most human beings, I like things to come easy (or at least relatively so). Some of us think that as children of God, we’re entitled to certain “privileges” and answers to prayer in a shorter time frame and in a way that makes sense to us.

If we think that way, we’re wrong. On this side of heaven, we aren’t promised an easy life —one that isn’t so troublesome. As a matter of fact, there are a number of warnings in the Bible that we will experience Trials and Tribulations.

Concerning marriage, the Apostle Paul warned us and it’s written in 1 Corinthians 7:28 that those who marry will face many troubles in this life. He put out that warning to “spare” us from thinking otherwise.

That’s where prayerful perseverance and trust in God becomes important. There are many verses in the Bible that encourages us to persevere even when we want to give up. Among them are:

Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him. (James 1:12)

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. (Galatians 6:9)

Consider it pure joy whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.(James 1:2-4)

With this said, as you brace yourself to do what it takes for the reward of what God has for you, I encourage you to read the following articles we found on the Internet. I believe they will give you insight and help in this area of your marriage. I encourage you to make this your mission to do your part in opening the door to better understanding and communication in your marriage.

The first article is posted on the National Institute of Marriage web site. It addresses wives initially, but speaks to husbands as well as it progresses. If you find that your situation is reversed where the wife is the emotionally distant spouse and you, as the husband, are the one who is trying to find help with this problem of feeling emotionally abandoned, please just flip the advice around … glean through the great information that is provided and apply what will work in your marriage.

The article begins with these thoughts and questions that you may be able to relate to:

“Many wives are deeply perplexed at the apparent emotional unavailability of their husbands. The mystery and disappointment surrounding a husband’s emotional distance is summarized in the familiar question by many wives, “Why won’t my husband talk to me?” What is it with some men who just seem unwilling or unable to process emotional information about themselves and others? Are some men just born emotionally retarded? It kind of looks and feels that way some times. Or, are they deliberately avoiding disclosure of their motives, thoughts and feelings? And, why would they hide such information from someone they profess to love?”

To learn from the answers that Dr Bob Burbee writes, please click onto following link to read:

WHAT IS IT WITH MEN AND TALKING?

Another article is written by Richard Fitzgibbons. What is especially unique about this article is that it even contains a self-test so you can:

“Evaluate your self-giving in your marriage and that of your spouse.” You can “then try to identify common causes of this weaknesses in your spouse and in yourself.”

To take advantage of what this article, posted on the Marital Healing web site, offers and take the self-test, please click on the link below:

THE EMOTIONALLY DISTANT SPOUSE

— ALSO —

April Motl says the following about emotional detachment in marriage:

“A lot can happen between the ‘I do’ at the altar and the years that follow.  We can end up married to someone yet emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically disengaged. I have come to believe that one primary problem seems to sit at the root of most couples who feel disengaged. I call it the ‘full plate’ phenomenon. When your spouse (or you) has something that puts them emotionally, mentally, physically or spiritually on overload something else has to be shut off in life —and that something else often becomes your marriage.”

To find out more, read this Crosswalk.com article:

ARE YOU DISCONNECTED FROM YOUR SPOUSE?

Please search through the Marriage Missions web site for more articles that can help you in this mission of connecting with your spouse and finding ways to build and open doors of communication. There is a lot of wisdom, written by relationship experts, that is waiting for you to tap into and use. I encourage you not to give up. God has a blessing for you as you look to the Holy Spirit, our Wonderful Counselor, to open your understanding and to apply to your life.

May the Lord direct your heart into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.
(2 Thessalonians 3:5)

This article was written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.

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Comments

46 Responses to “Dealing with an Emotionally Distant Spouse”
  1. Tiffany A. says:

    (USA) My husband has become more and more distant since the beginning of the radiography program which was about August 2007. He has a friend who is in class 24-7 with him and yet he still talks to her constantly on Myspace, and has been attacking me when I ask him why, and/ or to stop. He and I have been fighting about it and I just don’t know what to do. He is not willing to compromise with me on slowing down. So, please some one help! Everyone has told me to leave him but I just don’t know how! I don’t believe in Divorce, but I don’t believe in the way he is treating me either!

    • Emily says:

      (USA)  Hi Tiffany, I know you posted this comment over a year ago, but I am in the exact same position you were in. The similarities are crazy to me! I was wondering what happened and if you have any advice on what to do or what not to do?

      My husband has told me that he believed in our wedding vows and yet let lack of communication ruin our relationship, without my knowledge. I came to learn his feelings and his plan to leave all within the past couple of days. I am having a very hard time dealing with it and have pleaded with him that we can fix this…he simply tells me that he doesn’t know if he wants to fix it Do you have any thoughts?

      I totally understand if you don’t get back to me on this, but would greatly appreciate any advice or knowledge you have gained from this situation. Many Thanks, Emily

      • Michelle says:

        (USA) Dear Emily, I read your story and I am in the same situation, as we speak. My husband left me for a co-worker while I was 5 months pregnant. He told me to leave town and go back to my mom’s hometown. I was not ready to let go. But, I left town and he was with this girl for 6 months. I was so jealous and anxious to win him back. I begged him to come back to me, and he did, and she left him alone.

        But they still messed around after we got back together and I caught them together two years ago and 5 months ago. I’m tired of it. So I have become emotionally detached. I’m living in denial. I feel like he has feelings for her. He still hides his phone, so no matter how much he promises me he wants to be with me, he keeps on lying and being deceitful.

        I’m tired so I have made plans to leave after Christmas. Our kids will be so hurt, but I’m hurting myself by staying. Also he’s not trying to please and cater to me anymore and he calls me names (curse words). I’m tired. Please write back. Michelle

  2. Sally says:

    (NAMIBIA) Hello Tiffany, I greet you and I feel with you what you are going through. No one has the answer but only God. But what I can say is that when someone strongly defends himself about this friend of his and is not ready to set it right before his wife then there might be something fishy, but don’t go fishing because it hurts us more. Fight through prayers and break the codes or link these two have forged because in the eyes of God there is only one link; that is between you and your husband. Fast if necessary. May God guard your words as you speak to your husband so that things do not get worse. Be blessed sister.

  3. Brenda says:

    (KENYA) Hello Tiffany, those are the distractions from the enemy. The only thing that will help you is prayer. Go down on your knees and commit your marriage to the Lord. There is no situation God cannot change despite how it looks.

    • Susan says:

      (USA)  What?? Her spouse is not fully committed and I think she has every reason not to stay in that relationship. He has been unfaithful. I’m guessing that similar things are happening in your marriage and you are justifying to yourself why you are staying. Silly girl. I believe that she is right to leave him. She should gather her support around her and leave. Prayers go with you, my dear. You will be happier once you are gone.

      PS This situation has never happened to me.

  4. Sbonny says:

    (R.S.A)  How would you advise a wife whose husband indulges in drinking and is having an affair in a Christian marriage and is abusing her and the kids emotionally? Must she undergo counseling or must she throw in the towel because that has been happening for almost 10 yrs?

  5. Jennifer says:

    (USA)  I realize the roses in my marriage have withered and yet to bloom again! My husband loves to have fun – with his buddies more than with his spouse other than making love with me. I have to work hard in working, because I feel so lonely and I don’t want to fall into the world of adultery! Therefore, I choose to work outside the home, at home anywhere and make healthy relationships with my colleagues.

    Is my marriage over then? I give my husband total freedom; there’s no sense of commitment from him at all. I do not know when he wants to have dinner with me because he doesn’t like planning things with me. Life with him is very unpredictable = I hate it! So rather stuck in self-pitiness, I rather keep myself busy so that I can’t think about my distant husband. There are times when he is really romantic and in a second he can be so distant… I think it is driving me crazy.. please advise me on how to take care of myself better. Thanks!

  6. Joan says:

    (CANADA)  I understand & feel for all of you. Have been with my husband 24 years, and the shut out has progressed to its limit.

    Just in the last week or so, I have been reading about passive-aggressive men & women, and have decided that my husband fits the bill to a tee. This problem also leaves a mate feeling isolated, alone and shut out. For me, I will be leaving him when our mortgage expires next year. Bless all of you.

  7. Vivian says:

    (NIGERIA)  I wish to say a very big thank you to all that send in their comments. It is good to know that someone out there cares for you. I want to let all that have similar problems in their marriages know that we have only one source and one creator. The producer of a product knows more about the product than the consumer. If there is any defect in the product he can easily repair it. So it is with God. He is the potter; he knows the make up of every person. I advise anyone that has an issue that they should go back to God. He can fix it up for you. Do not complain or talk, do the talking on your knees. Psalm 148:8 The stormy wind of GOD will bring fulfilment of his word to every area of your life. Expect a change it will surely come. God bless you.

    • Tawni says:

      (USA)  Please to the lady from Nigeria, I hope you read this, it’s been long since your post. Can you explain my Nigerian husbands habit of ignoring me and not speaking to me for days after a fight, big or small? Every time we argue he says he’s leaving but never does and then there are times he will ignore me for days… Just recently I lost it, I try not to say mean things but his anger is too much and I said horrible things. I have no Nigerian woman to talk to, if you get this, your response and advice is so badly needed right now! Thank you, and you are right, God is the ultimate negotiator and my prayers to Him have been steady.

  8. Jerry says:

    (USA)  My wife has become distant. One early morning she told me that she no longer wants to be married and she was meant not to be married. We have been married for 20 plus years and all of sudden she wakes up and does not want to be married. She is not having an affair at this time. I trust her word on this.

    First let me explain what drove her to have no more feelings for me. She tells me that I’m an awesome father but a lousy husband. I would always tell her that I love her and kiss her every single day. However, her male co-workers have been filling in the gaps that I have not been filling in, such as you look nice today; you are beautiful. She made comments to me about her male co-workers telling her this. See she was never the one to fall for those comments, but somehow they have attracted her and that’s when she told me about not wanting to be married anymore.

    Second, I have hurt her feelings three years ago and she can’t seem to forgive. I know she won’t forget about that. Three years ago I left because I felt that I was not needed any more. She would talk to my nephew all night long and wouldn’t get to bed until 10pm. I mentioned this to her and she said she will change. She never did. So, I decided to leave and see where we were going with our marriage. I came back about a week and a half and she accepted me. I promised all three, my wife and two kids, that I will never leave them again. To this day she has not forgotten that and tells me that she knew she should not have accepted me back. I don’t believe her because we were laughing and enjoying each other.

    She tells me that she has no feelings for me at this time. This hurt because she would not allow me to touch her at all, send her love letters, call her my wife, and text her at all. I am currently in marriage counseling because I know I can change to become a better person and better husband. I have gone back to church and have accepted the man upstairs again into my life. Just this weekend we had a talk and I asked her if she wants to have an affair on me. She hesitated for about 3-5 seconds and said no. However, later on our conversation she said “I have curiosity on the other side. I’m curious as to what’s in the other side.”

    She has told me that her male co-workers have been asking her out on a date, but has turn them down. She told me that she could have cheated on me a long time ago, but didn’t because she is scared. She did say that our marriage would be over when she finds someone. I was hurt by this all day. Later on that day she text me telling me that she feels bad and knows that I’m hurt and it hurts her to see me sad. If I could take this back I would. I also think I’m just confused and depressed and all messed up inside. All I can say Jerry just give me time.”

    I know what I did wrong as a husband. I was not showing affectionate to her, I just jumped into bed expecting to have sex, I hurt her three years ago by leaving and not explaining why, we never spent time alone, I never cherished her like a husband should, I didn’t treat her like a queen. I’m praying that we get back together because I know I can change and will do the things a husband will do for his wife. I just don’t know if I’m too late or not. Please anything will help.

    • Daddy L says:

      (USA)  Jerry, It looks like throughout this your wife was envying the single life and not having responsibilities, while you take all the blame for “what am I doing wrong”? I don’t think you are doing anything wrong, I think she looked at the “forbidden fruit” in the world, through her male co-workers, and over time she got onto their side. There probably was nothing you could have done. Dennis

      • Musicmama says:

        (US)  Dennis- as a female feeling the same types of things this woman is expressing to her husband, I can tell you that she has NOT envied the single life for 24 years! She has envied the care and love and adoration that singles get as they date people, but not the single life.

        The Bible tells us that men are supposed to love their wives. Men are supposed to care for their wife like Jesus cares for the church. This man has taken her for granted and needs to show her how he truly loves her and appreciates her. He is at fault for the situation.

    • Sheila says:

      (USA) Just a thought, maybe she is going through menopause. I am having similar feelings that you are describing about your wife. I have no desire to see anyone else, just need time alone to figure myself out. I’ve been reading many articles on menopause and have found a lot of good information. The big thing is that I’m not the only one that’s going through this very trying time in my life.

    • Jackie says:

      (USA) Jerry, I felt sad for what you and wife been through. I assumed that your wife is longing for deep connection and wanting you to show more appreciation towards her. Bible says, “a woman needs to submit herself to man to honor and respect and take heed in man’s authority, as for a man in return is to love, to protect and cherish her wife, just like Jesus was the head of Church we need to be inclined in one, and in unity.”

      I am not saying that blame is in you, but I think throughout the years of your relationship you became confident that everything was ok. I am a woman and I understand, womens feelings as much as I am trying to learn to understand my man’s feelings and emotions. Men are born less sensitive than a woman, and we women sometimes don’t understand what’s on a man’s mind. We want some actions more than hearing words; the security of not feeling neglected and unwanted.

      Jerry, I believe that your wife still loves you so deeply… It’s just she is trying to hide it through her bitterness and resentment. I’m gonna suggest for you to pray for God’s wisdom, that God willl convict your wife’s heart to forgive and let go. try to visit this web site too. http://www.nogreaterjoy.org its amazing Bible based web it is a great resources and tools for couples seeking for good advice… GodBless you and I am praying for you and for your wife.

  9. Dadirai says:

    (ZIMBABWE)  It’s good to see a site that helps people in a Christian manner. A few years ago, my father had an affair and it broke my family’s spirit. Up to now I still hurt inside. I forgave him and so did my mother and we all seemed happy. Now I have reason to suspect he is at it again and I hate him for wanting to do it to my mother again. Now I am married to a very loving husband but i can’t seem to trust him. When he goes drinking with his friends I can’t stop thinking of what he might be doing. When he finally walks in I give him hell becoz I will be so convinced he was sleeping out.

    This is breaking our closeness bit by bit and I don’t know how to handle the situation. He has assured me many many times that he won’t even consider doing it coz he loves me but at the back of my mind I think that if my father did it when we did not expect it then all men are untrustworthy. I feel like he is paying attention to his friends and other things besides me. Am I being unreasonable? I am really considering counselling!!! Please help me with your views.

  10. Alexis says:

    (USA)  MARRIAGE SUCKS!!! IT REALLY DOES! THAT’S WHY I DON’T WANT TO GET MARRIED ANY TIME SOON!… BECAUSE IT’S NO FUN …SEEMS TO ME LIKE MARRIAGE HURTS! I’D RATHER BE SINGLE, SERIOUSLY. …TOO MUCH TO DEAL WITH …I KNOW NO ONE IS PERFECT BUT COME ON, AT LEAST LET YOUR GOOD OUT WEIGH THE BAD…TO EVERY ONE ON HERE: KEEP PRAYING AND DON’T GIVE UP …CAUSE I WOULDN’T HAVE NO MAN SAY HALF THE THINGS THAT THEY SAY TO YOU ALL …ITS LIKE A BIG GAME, HOW ABOUT YOU ALL MAKE YOUR MATES FEEL THE EXACT SAME WAY THAT YOU FELL …SWITCH IT IT UP ON THEM …SO THEY CAN SEE HOW IT FEELS!!!

    I DON’T BELIEVE IN BEING WEAK FOR NO MAN… YOU’VE GOT TO BE AGGRESSIVE AND MAKE HIM FEEL LIKE HE’S THE FEMALE IN THE RELATIONSHIP …DON’T FEEL DOWN, MAKE THEM FEEL DOWN!!! …JERRY, KEEP YOUR HEAD UP AND KEEP GOING TO GO TO COUNSELING, IF IT’S MEANT TO BE THEN BE THE BEST MAN THAT YOU CAN BE… HONESTLY I DON’T THINK YOU DID ANYTHING WRONG …I AGREE WITH (Daddy L) …BEST TO LUCK TO ALL, GOD BLESS …Alexis

  11. Brenda says:

    (SOUTH AFRICA)  Hi Alexis, I am sorry that you are so hurt, you seem very angry and bitter. I just pray to God that you will release that person who made you feel this way, in the name of Jesus. God will heal your hurt if you allow him to. God bless, Brenda.

  12. Veronique says:

    (USA)  I do believe in everyone’s pain… and do see the merit of faith and trusting God to save me and my marriage. But how do I do that? I have started trying to read my Bible and light candles and think positively. And I do still go to work and everything. But at lunch time I cry in my car and after my work is over I cry and cry. I do not understand at all.

    I was so sure when I got married two years ago, my husband loved me so much. And now I just feel like the more and more I do, I just cannot please him. He is so cold to me and I cannot figure out why and what else to do. I am trying so hard to persevere and pray. But I feel overwhelmed with despair. I do hope life will get better.

    • Lo says:

      (USA)  Hi Veronique, Yes your life will get better. You are not alone in this struggle, 1 Corinthians 10:13. I have gone through what you are going through and still am. The only thing that has changed is my relationship with God and the perception I have about my husband. I love him so much and I have realised he does too but he shows it differently.

      You are on the right path, reading the Bible. It calms you down and helps you build up your faith during this life’s struggles. I am such a happy person right now but I am sure if I would put another person in my life situation right now they would get messed up. I am happy because I am living in the Spirit, rejoicing in the promises of God. I can’t wait to hug my husband whatever time he returns home. Because I have learnt that you overcome evil with good. If you fight fire with fire, fire wins.

      I live off the Bible; it’s so good. Don’t give up, don’t cry. It only makes you feel sorry for yourself and then you start crying again. Just pray and meditate on the word of God. I cry too sometimes but I quickly bring myself back to my spiritual senses knowing that our battle is not against flesh and blood.

      You are your husband’s lifesaver, 1 Corinthians 7:13-16. Stay patient for his spiritual growth and forgive him. He will be won without a word, God still has a lot of work he is doing on him (according to His timeline). Continue to love him unconditionally and build that strong foundation for your marriage. After this storm is over, nothing will shake your marriage again. Our weapon and strength is in God and Jesus our savior. For now, just trust God and lean not on your own understanding.

      What you are going through is not about your husband’s love for you or what you have done wrong. There is a spiritual warfare going on and evil wants people to give up on marriage. But we are prepared for the devil’s attacks because we are aware of his motives.

  13. John says:

    (US)  I don’t know if you still monitor this as the last post, is, a year old but I hope you do. Your articles seem to help a little, unfortunately my situation is complicated. My wife and I have long since fallen away from God since we first got married.

    We have been married for 3 years. About three months ago after coming back from a 2 week deployment I found inappropriate flirting text messages on a recently changed phone from a coworker and explicit photos from another guy. I was devastated. I was by no means blameless though. My wife was abused sexually as a child, sexual intimacy and other intimacy have always been extremely difficult for us.

    This left me feeling very hurt and put a lot of stress on our marriage. I turned to porn and my wife was understandably upset. By the time I finally quit because I realized how much it was hurting her about a year ago she had by her own admission already checked out emotionally. She said the flirting was all that happened and I believe her. We were going to marriage counseling when I found out and have been going for several months. Things seem to getting better as far a getting along but she basically told in counseling me that sex is off the table for now.

    She says she still doesn’t know how she feels about me because of her bitterness in the past. We cuddle, kiss and hug but I don’t know if she is doing this because she wants to just keep me off her back. I’m so frustrated with her indifference to how she feels about me overall. She is seeing somebody individually (counselor) and so am I. I just wonder if we have too many issues, too many scars.

    I feel so weary. We haven’t had sex in several months, I need to connect with her badly and I feel myself withdrawing. I know that her scars will take time to heal but she acts so stone cold I’m not sure she even sees this as a problem, or more of who she is. I love my wife so much and I’m trying to hang in there, I just can’t tell if she’s just trying to let me down easy, or what to do. Just tired of being in pain and being neglected when I’ve changed and I’m giving her everything I’ve got.

  14. Genan says:

    (USA)  I have read a lot of the comments and topics associated with this website because I am a 25 year old mother of 5 kids total (between he and I), married 2 years, unemployed for 3 years, and in the ministry. I am running an exhausting race and even though my marriage is a struggle, because Satan attacks what is pure and holy and powerful, I had to reply to the spirit of your message because marriage is ministry.

    It’s a great example of our struggle in marriage with Christ. God made man to be the head under Him and the woman to be the head under man. It is grieving for you to send such an encouraging/discouraging word, as a wounded woman who has no Godly advice to give at all. It is tough being married and people are on the website to get much needed help on the battle field.

    My suggestion to anyone on a Christian website is to give Godly, truly encouraging words of help as we married people are a diminishing minority. There are enough homosexual relationships; there are enough wounded, controlling woman trying to castrate our STRONG men of God. Marriage is no matter of luck, it is a matter of diligence enough in the Word of God, in your own life to be able to make a difference in the lives of your spouses and others. It is also a matter of people making sites like this to talk about so very REAL issues that people need guidance with.

    Your post is old, but I am not writing this for you. I am writing it for the people, like me, who will view it. And I pray against the spirit of Jezebel and come against divorce in the name of Jesus. I come against bitterness, ignorance, distrust and ask that it is you, God, who will cleanse us all. Use whatever, God, even this web page to cleanse us. I cover this ministry with the blood of Jesus and ask God that it will be a tool to heal marriages including my own. I thank you God that this word will do what it was sent out to do and that every idle word be judged in the name of Jesus. Amen. And truly be blessed.

    • Roni says:

      (USA)  Glad I found a discussion that is Christian based regarding marriages. I have been married for 11 years and been unhappy for 9 of them. I sometimes feel like I only stay because of the children. However, he is a good man, just very different from what I expected a husband who belonged to me would/should be like.

      In the beginning, he let me wear the pants for so long that I felt macho and looked at him as being weak. After being tired of calling the majority of the shots with everything, I got burned out and was looking for a way out due to this. Being brought up in the church as a child, and having both of my parents in the home until the tender age of 12 when they divorced, I think that is what shaped my ideal man, marriage and way of of thinking. I felt that if my dad could have an affair and leave his family for another, than any man could do it. It also didn’t help to have a mother who was so hurt and bitter from the affair and divorce to see her live with this tragedy. She was so hurt that she not only trashed my father but all men, which put a bad taste in my mouth on how to trust anyone.

      I feel so alone even while married. I have slept on the couch for over 4 years because it was my way of dealing with my husband not being affectionate towards me except at night in bed. I felt that he didn’t deserve any sexual relationship with me since he didn’t show me the love and affection I so badly wanted and needed. I found myself flirting, surfing the net and talking to other men for comfort etc. This has been going on for so long that I finally put it all in God’s hands and left it at the alter until I recently found out that my husband treats other women that he works with kind and loving. This has set me off to the point where I don’t trust him and feel he is having an emotional affair or two with women at his place of work.

      I feel I have stronger faith then he does, so I lead the family in prayer daily, read my Bible and watch TBN to help me get through the difficult times (EVERYDAY)! I love my husband but I don’t like him because I want to be treated like a Queen and admired. I don’t feel like I am his 1 in a million and by feeling this way, it leads me back to surfing the net for friendship and flirting to fill this void. I know that God is not pleased with this behavior but I keep doing it because I feel so alone and neglected. Tried counseling, praying, talking to him over and over about how I feel and now I am strongly considering to just walk away from this life. Needing some spiritual advice badly!

      • Ben says:

        (USA)  You seem to be VERY hard on your husband. Your expectations are extremely high and you are cold to him.

        You like the pants and control of the marriage. You want him to tear them from your hands when he has never been that person. You are unsatisfied because you are the major issue. You want him to fix you. He should — but you are the one with the psychological issues.

        Do not use your religion/spirituality as a badge of superiority. If you understood the grace you have been given you would be a much more humble person. I am learning that myself.

        Be easy on him… give him a reason to like you. As is, you have beat him into a decade of submission and bark at him to get up. Give up your power… then things will change. Otherwise, just leave him… you are sinning either way.

      • Jackie says:

        (USA) Roni, I hope this post of your is just from recently… but to give my opinion and advice. As a women in Christ we need to be sober, to have a clear mind as always, be ready to give spouse a good reasons why. Stop resenting your husband and looking backward from your past, let go of hurts emotions and forgive. Wrong actions, cannot solve problem, waiting for your spouse to do his action, to do some changes will maybe take forever to happen. Remember when Christ died for us he set aside his own will and gave it everything just for us to give freedom and salvation. Same thing what you’ve been thru, you trying to win your husband’s adoration towards you and it takes time, patience and endurance. Bible says “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.” Pray for God’s wisdom so he can direct you… God Bless!

  15. BLESSING says:

    (NIGERIA)  I got married to a man whom I love so dearly and even trusted with all my life. But things went wrong when our marriage was 3 yrs. He started receiving strange calls, telling lies and even got addicted to his phone so that he had no time for me and the children. I’ve complained several times but he hasn’t changed.

    But the most painful part of it is that he has a controling mother who runs the affairs of our home. My mother in law will report me to my husband and my hubby doesn’t find out the truth, only fight with me. This has been causing troubles in my home. I can’t feel love any longer in my home. Please help me.

  16. Lara says:

    (AUSTRALIA)  I have a boyfriend that is the most loving, affectionate and kindest person when I am with him in person. We have to rely on a long distance relationship sad to say. He works in the UK but is applying for jobs so we can be together in the same country. The fact he does want to be with me and he is the kind of man who is so honest and straight forward about things is a plus point about him. He has repeatedly told me that he wants a relationship that will lead to a very long term relationship with me and he does not want to hear any negativity nor the fact what if it doesnt work. My issue with him is just this:

    Being so far away from each other we make it a point to text but he would text just once in the morning and even that was because I kicked up a fuss and said if you don’t text me and I don’t hear from you I wouldn’t even know if you’re alive seeing you live so far away from me and you have no relatives nor kids to inform me if something happened to you. His response was he has never had anyone care for him the way I do. He and I speak only over the weekends on Skype because that is when he isn’t at work and he has the time. I would make it a point to text before I go to bed everyday and sometimes once in between his day just so he gets to hear from me. He likes hearing from me and he enjoys our talks on Skype. He is so busy through the week at work so I dont disturb him and I always reply to his texts whenever he does text me which is once a day as soon as he is up in the mornings his time in the UK.

    He is not a phone or text person but then how else do I communicate with him seeing there is a huge time difference in where we live. I have brought up his faults in a very gentle respectful manner without having to put him down or without making him feel bad. Only yesterday I called him and told him that he needs to put himself in my place to understand how frustrating it can be when I don’t hear from him; this is in response when I asked him how he was as he was really ill. And here I am worried sick about him. I had not heard from him the whole time and I was worried and I had to call him to ask how he was.

    He is emotionally disengaged when he is there in the UK but when he is with me in person, we saw each other for a week at the very end of October (we are planning to meet in January). Yes long distance has its toll but because of Skype we manage otherwise. You cannot believe the fact he is the same disengaged person on the other side of the world if you saw me with him in person. He cannot stand next to me and not hold me or hug me or touch me. He has said he never wants to be without me.

    No, he isnt seeing someone in the UK and he is the kind to be 100% faithful and if you knew him you would agree with me. He has been on his own from the time he was 19 and has been independent through the whole time. He is 43 now. I think it is the mere fact that he has been alone for some time now which is probably the reason why he cannot see what he does as something that is wrong when your wanting to be in a relationship. He has been married for a short while divorced and no kids. He dated a couple of other women but it didn’t work for him. He was looking for a specific person and I do know what are the traits in a person he seeks. He is the kind of man who is very respectful and has a lot of class, very intelligent, quiet but not always. He is always striving to do his best and to move forward. He started with nothing and today has got a very good stable job but is willing to move for me.

    I write to him and keep in touch with him in the best manner so that he will stay connected to me due to the long distance relationship. I just sent him his birthday and christmas present because I thought I wouldn’t be seeing him until january so I will have to courier it to him. I knew what he wanted and they were both very expensive gifts but no one has done things for him the way I have and I wanted to do this from the bottom of my heart. He says he is on the same page with me meaning he is falling in love with me as he says I am the one for him and he sees a great woman with good attributes and is kind and so caring and is intelligent. He has never had anyone care for him the way I do and I have to keep reminding him that I do care for him so deeply. He finds it hard to accept it and needs me to constantly remind him.

    What scares me is that I have fallen in love with him because if I were to take those faults away he is the most gorgeous person inside out and I sometimes think that I would be lost without him. I will be speaking to him today but yet apart of me is saying he does nothing but frustrate me and he doesnt seem to see that not communicating with me is driving a wedge between us. He knows that he has found someone great and yet he is stubborn about changing his ways.

    I have to decide one way or rather if I really do want to stay with him or leave him. Not easy and I have been crying my eyes out as a result of trying to make sense of what is going on and the fact I will have to move on leaving what could have been a great relationship if only he has the insight to realise what he is doing is driving me mental and away from him.

    I know deep down that he is a wonderful loving person but his whole demeanor of how disengaged he can be is so frustrating that I am about to give up. I am so completely lost. I have even brought this up to him so many times and said Look if you don’t like what I have to say then why don’t you just leave. He said to me I don’t want you to say that and by you saying that it makes me angry. I said ok I will not say it again. I have told him, I want someone who fights to stay with me in this relationship. He is, I am so lost that I seem to be crying all the time because I do love him and I cant seem to see myself without him.

  17. Naren says:

    (SINGAPORE)  A couple of months ago, my wife told me that our marriage was a mistake. We have been married 15 years. She went on to say that her life has not improved in any way since we got married and went on to say that she could not help comparing herself with a female colleague at work whose husband has enjoyed a tremendous career growth, while mine seems to have stagnated.

    Unlike her colleague whose husband has been able to shower her with expensive holidays, an expensive home, a car for her own use and lots of cash, I have remained a civil servant earning a meagre salary, living in an apartment and unable to provide her with those things.

    I was not angry or indignant to listen to her go on and on about how unfulfilling her life has been. I was and I am still hurt and dissapointed at myself. I also lost a lot of confidence and self esteem that day.

    Since that day, she hardly communicates with me. Our conversations are only about functional things like family schedules, planned activities and things that need to be done.

    As hard as I have tried to mend things between us, her treatment towards me has remained cold.

    I am now in my late forties and a career change for the sole purpose of increased financial gains seems risky and illogical. I love my job (working with offenders) and I am contented with my station in life.

    I have come to a point where I feel emotionally abandoned and a painfully emptiness. It’s been tough, especially putting up a mask for my daughters because I do not want them to feel troubled.

    I have absolutely no clue what I can do to mend things.

  18. Max says:

    (UNITED STATES)  I would love to know how to get my girlfriend to try a civilian relationship. She has been married to the military but they were never together so she has no idea what a relationship looks like. I feel so strange telling her how much I miss her. I haven’t seen her in 90 days and she is pregnant with my baby. The difference is I am a civilian and I want a day to day relationship. I don’t think she can imagine one, let alone let me play my part.

  19. Bernie says:

    (UAE)  Our marriage needs help. There’s a wall between me and my husband. He doesn’t consider me as a friend and he could really hurt me. The worst part is that he often says he wants me dead.

  20. Corzo says:

    (USA)  I’ve recently recognized that I’m an emotionally distant husband. My wife has been telling me for years that she feels like she doesn’t know me. I’ve never really thought that I had a problem until she decided to leave me. Then I started looking around and found articles on emotionally distants husbands.

    We are currently separated and unfortunatly on the road to eventual divorce. This is mainly due to me not being there emotionally and physically for her. Also my 5 year old daughter and I have been drawing closer and through her I’m starting to gain a greater understanding of the emotional needs of women. I may be too late to save my marriage but want to try just the same. My wife means the world to me and I would do anything to win her back. She has completely withdrawn from the marriage and hasn’t really put any effort into resolution. On top of an emotional affair that she had she has also made some questionable moral decisions. How can I get more in touch with my emotions and win her back?

  21. Cody says:

    (USA)  My wife is emotionally distant. It started when I was deployed last summer. I came home in November to a seemingly different woman. We both failed in communicating our what we needed while I was deployed and when I came home. It led to resentment and arguments.

    She told me she thought we should separate but when I started looking for apartments she cried and actually showed emotion for the first time since I’ve beeen home. We’ve realized that we both need our space to grow as individuals but we don’t want to separate. Its really hard for me to be completely shut out like this. It’s like I’m always a second thought to her or I’m always on the back burner. Any advice on what to do besides just focusing on myself?

  22. Terrance says:

    (USA)  I have not been married as long as you Jerry but, my wife has been extremely busy with school, work and the kids. I have attempted to slide my way into assisting her, forcing my way into assisting her, trying to make her hear that I love her but she seems to be so caught up into what she has going on. She has no time for me. I try to tell her I love her everyday. She kind of says it back. I try to set rules for us to never go to bed with out an embrace But… I do not know if I am depressed about it or what. I just feel a big disconnect. She is snappy… I am lost for words. Trying to hang in there. Help!!!

  23. Steve says:

    (USA) I have been with my wife for 17 years. We lost her son, my stepson, this past Christmas from drugs and alcohol. He did like Jimmi Hendrix, he chocked on his vomit and died 2 days later when my wife pulled the plug. It was the day after Christmas. He was 22 years old. I have raised this man like my son. The problem now, 6 months later, is my wife is in a downward spiral. We barely talk. Sex is a no go. We have dogs and I think they are keeping us together. I am only 53 years old on my second marriage and distraught.

    My wife just wants to go to psychics to talk to her son; she thinks this helps. I think they are snake oil salespeople. I am self employed and my wife is an executive so we make good money but she just wants to throw it away on these people. I can see once or twice but she has been to at least 5, and she wants to go to the big daddy of them all, the cost is 1200.00 for one hour. I think this is nuts. The other were an average of 250/ hour all cash. I am at my wits end with her. I do not know what to do. Can you help?

  24. Mandy says:

    (USA) I have been married for 8 months now and I think I have been the emotionally distant one, which in turn has caused my husband to be distant. We get into nasty physical fights, where I am the one who starts it. (I’m not being abused.) We are currently sleeping in separate rooms. I battle severe depression every day and he has a lung disease that needs surgery to fix so he is always sick. We are both expecting the other to be there and we both seem incapable. Its scary to want out already. We are in marriage counseling, but it seems we fight more about that. I’m so lost and tired of watching my life crumble around me.

  25. Kayedee says:

    (GRENADA) I am not sure if I am correct to say that my husband is emotionally distant… but there are times when I feel like I am all alone in this relationship and the only one pushing for it to survive since there is no input from him… I do not wish to give up on him or our relationship but I don’t know what to do anymore…

    • Sabrina says:

      (UNITED STATES) Kayedee, I feel that same way, feeling alone. I also do not want to give up on my husband. I know what you are going through. It is so hard to read my husband and really know what he is feeling or not feeling. I guess I just want our love to be like it used to be 5-8 years ago. Someone has told me to stick in there, it will pass and my marriage will be stronger than before and that our love will be stronger than before and it is just part of marriage that we go through. For better or for worse, right? Believe me, I’m tired of the neglect and feeling lonely. I too am looking for answers on how to cope with the way I feel. I will pray for you Kayedee and hope things change for the better for you real soon.

  26. Sabrina says:

    (UNITED STATES) I have been married for over 17 years and everything has been perfect up until 6 months ago. My husband has been distant and I am feeling very neglected. I miss the I love you’s, the kisses good bye as he leaves for work, the random hugs. He has stopped doing those things and I cry every day, suspecting the worse.

    How can I save my marriage? I love him so much, but it’s hard to love him when I don’t get the love back. I’m very hurt and don’t know what steps to take. I have talked to him about this and how I feel, but he doesn’t really get what I am saying. He continues to say I love you and we will be fine. I’m EMOTIONALLY STRESSED.

  27. CRB says:

    (NORWAY) My wife had a difficult childhood. Her dad abandoned her when she was 8 and her mom has had depression/bipolar diseases her whole life. After having our son 4 1/2 years ago, our intimacy took a steep plunge and has been missing ever since. The last 2 years my wife started taking night classes to further her career on top of her normal day job. Lack of intimacy took place and for the last year, an emotional distance off and on. I have been the best husband and father I can be, doing everything I can to make her life easier and supporting her. She is sad and confused and doesn’t know what she wants to do about our marriage and future. I love her and want to make this marriage work. Right now, she just is overwhelmed and isn’t ready for couples counseling. I am grateful for any thoughts or advice for my situation. Thanks so much!

    • GDG from United States says:

      Hello CRB,

      First, I would like to say how sorry I am for you and your wife, that you are going through this time of pain. Please remember, The Lord does use challenge to bring us closer to Him and closer to our spouse. 3.5 years ago, I learned that my wife was in love with someone else and was not in love with me. It seemed that my marriage would end, tearing apart my family. I still loved her deeply and did not want to see our marriage end. We had failed to work on growing our relationship with God and working to maintain the bond between us. Like most men, we still had sex and and we did a good job of raising a family together, so I was content.

      My wife needed an emotional connection, and rather than hurting me by telling me she felt disconnected, she found a connection elsewhere. She was not looking for this, but once it happened, she had no idea how to turn back. After over 3 years that have contained some very, very painful experiences and tough times, along with a whole lot of growing closer to The Lord, we are still together. We have a long ways to go, but Lord willing, we will be together for life and find the true Joy in our relationship that God intended for every couple.

      Perseverance my friend. You can’t do this on your own, but God can lead you or carry you when need be. Your wife is probably not in a state that can be helped by couples counseling. We also learned that for every good counselor there are at least 8 bad ones. You must find a good Christian counselor. We found a fantastic Christian counselor at the New Life Live web site. I learned of this site by listening to Family Talk Christian radio; Christian radio helped me through many tough days along this journey. We had gone to counseling alone and together, until I finally felt The Lord clearly guiding me to ask my wife to move out until she could make some commitments to me. I do not encourage you to ask your wife to move out; my situation had escalated to a point beyond where I believe yours is at. I do encourage you to do all that you can to facilitate your wife meeting regularly with a good Christian counselor. She needs to determine what God wants for her in life before you can really work on your relationship as a couple. I encourage you to seek counseling from a good Christian counselor if you need the support.

      Continue to work on your relationship with God, as he encourages all of us to do this for our entire earthly lives. In addition, always remember that you can’t make your wife love you or make her make decisions in the way that you see fit. Only God can change people. You can continue to love her unconditionally, make an effort to be open with her with guidance from The Lord, and set up boundaries for behavior that you will not accept if she treats you in ways that clearly goes against how God tells us to treat one another. This is ultimately how I ended up asking my wife to leave, but only after many second chances and a whole lot of prayers. Let The Lord guide you in every action.

      Only God knows how this will turn out, but never forget; He loves you dearly, He knows what is best for you, He will use whatever happens to fulllfill His plan for you, through Him, all things are possible, and He will never give you more than you and He can handle. My wife has not moved home yet and as I type this, I am missing her a lot. It seems the better we get along and the more time we spend together, the more I miss her. Please pray that The Lord will continue to grow our bond with Him and one another. You will definitely be in my prayers CRB.

  28. Sandy from South Africa says:

    (South Africa) I have married for 22 years and my husband wants to divorce me for another woman.

  29. Amy from United States says:

    (USA) We’ve been married 46 years and my husband has shut me out of his life the day after we were married. We did have sex once and that is where all our troubles started. He hates sex and thinks it’s so inhuman, can’t understand why humans enjoy such a vile and degrading act.

    He has only slept with me maybe 4 hours and all the rest of our marriage hes lived in our basement. Also he purposely moved to the midnight shift so he wouldn’t have to be home with me at night. I’m completely ignored!!! He has no intention to ever associate with me.

  30. Jobe from United Kingdom says:

    Please help. We’ve been married for 7 years now. My wife recently told me that we should walk our separate ways as it’s not working. I agreed to avoid an argument and didn’t think it was serious. But after a week of sleeping on the sofa it kicked in. I tried to fix it but all I got was, no, I need space. I even tried to send her gifts at her work place. I was told to stop, so I listened. She said, never again, please respect my space. I agreed to it because I so much want her back. We have 2 beautiful girls and don’t want to lose them. I read a book, Winning Your Wife Back Before It’s Too Late and got some really good tips.

    I feel my heart is so much in pain. I never experienced it before to love someone so much but not get anything back. It’s not easy to take. I’m a Christian so I went to speak to my priest and ask for prayers as I began to dig deep into the Bible and get myself a spiritual warfare book on Kindle to pray. In few days I’m going to start a Bible study with a Jehovah Witness since they know so much about the word. I’ve asked God to help and intervene because the Bible says we do not fight against flesh and blood but against other powers of the enemy. But I do have hope because of the word and my wife is a Christian also, but it’s just taking too long.

    • Steve Wright from United States says:

      Jobe, First, I’m sorry for the pain you are experiencing through the separation from your wife. You are doing a lot of good things for your personal life right now – reading “Winning Your Wife Back Before It’s Too Late” and digging deep into the Bible looking to God for strength and guidance in winning your wife’s trust back.

      I do want to caution you about engaging in a Bible study with a Jehovah’s Witness. Yes, many of them do “know” the Bible, but their view of God, Jesus and the scriptures is seriously flawed. You need to engage with a Bible teaching, believing, living church. I recommend you check our Christ Church London (www.christchurchlondon.org). They have what’s called the Alpha Bible study. This is an excellent 9 week course (FREE) that you can take through them that will help you get as really good understanding of the scriptures. They also offer Connect groups where you can find fellowship with other Christians.

      I hope this helps you get on a firm foundation for getting your wife back and for getting your life grounded on the Word of God. Blessings!

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