How does it make a man feel when his wife puts their children ahead of him? We posed that question to a group of men. Their most common answers are listed below:
1. Insignificant and disrespected
Most replied that they felt a deep lack of respect from not only their wives, but from their children. “Respect is important to a man, and he doesn’t feel that when the children consistently come first,” said one man.
2. Unloved
Most men, unlike most women, associate love with actions instead of with feelings. When a woman places her children above her husband, her actions say to him that she loves the children more than she loves him. Though not as vocal about it as women, men desire to be deeply loved by their wives. It is difficult for a man to see his wife cherish the children, but treat him in a cool or casual manner.
3. Lonely
One of the man’s greatest needs is companionship, and he usually expects to find this in his relationship with his wife. “As my wife pours more and more of her life into being a mother, she pours less and less of it into being my wife,” said one man. “The friend I once had in my wife is now a friend to our children, but a stranger to me.” The lonelier a man becomes, the more vulnerable he is to outside temptation. Is your husband lonely because of the time you spend with your children? Are you in any way making him more vulnerable to the attentions of other women?
Also, When Children Are Prioritized Ahead of a Husband, He Feels:
4. Unappreciated
Men appreciate being appreciated! Many men feel that their wives show greater appreciation to their children than they do to them. “If our daughter goes to a friend’s for the night, my wife misses her terribly,” said one husband. “When she comes home the next morning, my wife is ecstatic to see her and acts as if she’s been gone forever. I can be gone for days on a business trip, and my wife acts like I never left. Sometimes she even seems to resent my return home.” Does your husband know how important he is to you and how much you value him? Are you an appreciative wife?
5. Resentful and Angry
Though not a majority, some men stated that when their wives put their children first, they felt a sense of resentment and anger; some felt this way toward their children, others toward their wives. “My fifteen-year-old son walks through the door and my wife immediately asks abut his day or rubs his back if he’s tired. She pampers him constantly. I find myself resenting him, even though I know it isn’t his fault.” Is your husband frustrated or even jealous of your relationship with your children? Could it be that he feels left out or overlooked?
IDEAS ON THIS ISSUE OF CHILDREN AND THEIR PRIORITY:
Maybe you’re sensing that you need a major overhaul in this area, or perhaps just some fine-tuning. Regardless, here are some ideas to consider:
1. Think positive thoughts.
For every positive thought you have of your children, think of two for your husband. Begin noticing the many things he does. Perhaps he sees to it that the house is locked up every night or helps you replace light bulbs. Men enjoy praise!
2. Give him the benefit of the doubt.
Often this comes easily with our children, but is more difficult with our husbands. Grant him the same gracious generosity that you so readily give your kids.
3. Be spontaneous.
Surprise him once a week with a random act of kindness. One woman recently discovered that her husband liked a slushy drink from a local convenience store. She began buying them for him. “He loves it when I do this. It’s such a simple thing to do, and lets him know I’m thinking about him.”
4. Invest in his stock.
Share with your children things you admire about their father. This lets them see how important your marriage is to you. Though it’s been said dozens of times, the way Mom sees Dad is the greatest influencer of how the children see him. Do this with others as well. Many women excel at communicating their children’s strengths, but not their husband’s.
One woman pointed out that often friends will talk about their children in glowing terms, but when they talk about their husbands, they tend to talk about their weaknesses and inabilities. If you do this, stop! Commit to sharing with others only those things that build your husband up. Words are infectious and should be chosen wisely.
5. Make your bedroom a haven.
Too often this is the catchall room. Make an effort to keep it clean, organized, and inviting. One woman bought a small love seat and placed it in the master bedroom. This is where she and her husband spend a few moments together once they’ve gotten in the door at the end of the day. It shows their children that they value each other’s company as well. Burn a fragrant candle so that the room smells inviting and warm.
6. Cater to his quirks.
Many times we think our children’s quirks are cute but our husband’s are obnoxious. One woman discovered that her husband liked his sheets changed often, yet she preferred going longer between changings. “I fought this for years,” she said. “I thought he was being too obsessive. One day my daughter asked why I ignored her father’s request for clean sheets but always changed hers whenever she asked. I was shocked. This was something I didn’t even realize I was doing. I suddenly saw that I was not only dismissing one of my husband’s rare requests, but I was also modeling wrong priorities for my daughter.”
7. Check your attitude.
Said one woman, “I was stunned one night when my husband told me that he wished I had the same attitude toward him that I had toward the kids. From his perspective, I bent over backward for them. I ran all over town to find my daughter the right dress or my son the right tennis shoes. But he said that if he asked me to stop at the hardware store and pick up a gallon of paint, I balked.” Our attitudes speak volumes to our husbands.
8. Pray for your husband.
This tip could go in every chapter. There is nothing like prayer to soften your heart and sharpen your focus.
9. Reintroduce pet names into your relationship.
Refrain from calling him “Dad” or Daddy.” Choose instead to call him by a name that shows your love and high regard for him as a husband.
Your husband may or may not respond as you re-prioritize your relationships. It really isn’t an issue, though, if you are doing it to honor God. Certainly it’s nice for him to notice and appreciate your efforts, but it isn’t necessary. God notices.
This article comes from the book, The Politically Incorrect Wife: God’s Plan for Marriage Still Works Today
Excerpted from The Politically Incorrect Wife © 2000-2002 by Nancy Cobb and Connie Grigsby. Used by permission of Multnomah Publishers, Inc. Excerpt may not be reproduced without the prior written consent of Multnomah Publishers, Inc.
— ADDITIONALLY, CONCERNING CHILDREN & YOUR HUSBAND —
Here’s an article we recommend you read on this issue:
• FIND OUT WHY YOUR SPOUSE SHOULD COME FIRST
— PLUS —
We strongly recommend that you read the following linked article that is related, written by Gary Thomas:
• THE DANGER (TO OUR KIDS) OF A DISTANT MARRIAGE
Filed under: Childrens Effect on Marriage For Married Women
(USA) Stumbled onto this article just now & was surprised how many comments it generated. I only read half so forgive me if I missed a post saying the same thing. Married couples need to remember that raising children in your home is a temporary phase. It may not seem like it when you are in the midst of it all, but soon enough your children will grow & hopefully leave your home. Then, the two of you will only be left with one another and you will be more close then you have ever been because you survived through a kind of war sort of speak.
I made the mistake for a while of putting my children first in everything. But that was wrong of me. I corrected my view & allowed myself not to feel guilty for investing in something that was just for me, MY MARRIAGE! Ultimately I learned that my marriage is an investment in their adult future, as well. If I would have disposed of my wonderful husband when I felt he was prohibiting me from giving all of myself to my children, where would I be now that I’m looking at my near future when my children will be leaving home? They will look to us when they are facing their own struggles & we hopefully will be a walking example of just why they shouldn’t give up either.
(ENGLAND) What about the scenario where you’ve been married for 18 months and prior to the wedding the husband was a fantastic step-dad and loving husband, after the wedding he changed. He critised the children and the wife apparently she spent too much time working or with her children. The husband was always tired because he worked nights and didn’t see a lot of his wife. His wife asked him to change his shift to days so they could spend evenings together. He refused, he wanted to work nights. He constantly moaned at the children in the house and made the atmosphere very negative.
The wife tried her hardest to keep everyone happy but his constant nagging and moaning about being second best and no one respecting him after months he turned on the wife and physically assulted her and blamed her for all that had gone wrong. When he couldn’t use the children as a reason to blame for the failings he would blame the wife and tell her she was a bad mother anyway for working so hard. The wife explained that she was doing this to make their family life better but he wasn’t happy, he wanted her at his side 24/7. Yes, she said he was acting like a child, yes she sometimes spoke to him like one of the children when he acted like it, not because she had no respect for him but because she was fed up with his constant moaning of feeling unloved.
Her answer was simple if you’re feeling second best and outside the family get involved more, think about how she and the children felt. The children felt like they had done something wrong, mummy’s marriage wasn’t happy and they were being blamed by the step-dad for this (how does that make a 10 year old feel!). They felt unloved by him, they felt like they weren’t wanted (and yes, they were children, not him).
As for the wife, she felt unsuppported, drained, tired and pulled as if she were being asked to choose. Anyway she did in the end and like any decent mother she choose her children -they had always been there and always would -he never looked back -says it all really -mums/wifes/women are not your mums. If you’re feeling unloved it’s your own insecurities try engaging with the family more. I agree there should be mum and dad time but perhaps dads/husbands/men should reschedule their lives sometimes to make that happen instead of expecting the women to do everything -that’s my story anyway.
I agree! If men don’t feel like they’re a priority, then step up and become the priority by being engaged in the family, i.e. read to kids, get them ready for bed half the time, make dinner once a week, ask how mom’s day was, ask the kids how their day was, know your kids, talk to them. Don’t just bring home the money, come home, and tune out in front of the tv or computer! Be a part of the family! PLUG IN!
In other words, if you don’t feel like you are important, step up and help your wife with the things that are important to her (which isn’t you). Yeah, sounds like interesting logic to me.
First off, the comment I was responding to was not yours. Second, it’s your opinion. Only facts are accurate or inaccurate.
You seem really angry and bitter. Maybe that’s the real reason your wife likes the children better. But that’s just my opinion…
(USA) As a man, a husband and a father I think there is a hierarchical order that should be expected from your wife. She should put God first, then the children and then you. I don’t see and issue with that. We have a responsibility to our children and we should sacrifice for them as God sacrificed himself for his children, i.e. us!
(UNITED STATES) You are horribly mistaken! God values the marriage between a man and woman more than any other human-to-human relationship. Your wife should put God first and THEN you the husband!! Do your homework because I am not going to do it for you.
(CANADA) Uh hold on there a minute, God didn’t sacrifice himself, he sacrificed his CHILD for our sins. Showing the order of things my friend. You seem to forget that more children can always be made. But the oaths we take before the eyes of GOD cannot be remade. If you break your oath it is done. There is no undoing! We tend to forget that while we live in an age of whiteout and the delete button, some things cannot be deleted!! And breaking an oath to God is one of them. Charge always forward toward the blessing of God for forsaking him is far more treacherous than the mistake of being wrong.
You obviously don’t have children if you can say something as ridiculous as you can always make more. Children aren’t shoes you throw out and replace when you mess them up. And if you do have kids I hope they never read this and find out their parent thinks they are disposable.
What was said is accurate. Though you may not like the sound of it and I’m sure it wasn’t meant the way you took it, it was not an inaccurate statement.
(USA) How do people not see that it is vitally important for the child to see the inseparable bond between the husband and the wife! Are you kidding me??! You act like the only option is to abuse your child in favor of the relationship.
(USA) This sucks for the man in the biggest way and should be recognized on a national or even international level!
(USA) Why is my wife always cutting me down? I help her to get store but did not work so I told her to help me to start my own business but she said it wouldn’t work and it was a waste of my time. Also won’t help me out. So I started and made pretty good money off of it. Also when she to goes to her grandma’s house for vacation she calls her parents first before she called me when she gets there. Also she never tells me that she loves me. Is that ok?
(UNITED STATES) When I read in the book of Proverbs concerning the virtuous wife, I couldn’t help but to notice how she looked at her spouse as her king. She wasn’t infected by what the world promotes which is the spirit of independence! When a husband and wife are truly married according to God’s standards, there is no such thing as independence, but God’s word promotes Oneness! They are to submit to one another. God has given each individual in the family unit a specific ministry, and that is: Wives Submit, Husbands Love, and Children Obey! There has to be a reason why God has these instructions in place because God is a God of Order!!!
My wife commited adultery against me, but God told me to love her as Christ love the church! No emotions, no feelings, just obey! I could use that as an excuse to divorce her, but then I thought, suppose Christ had allowed his emotions to dictate his purpose of Salvation base on his feelings of what he might percieve as negative outside influences? What, perhaps, would be the outcome of my eternal future? For without faith, it”s impossible to please God! Have faith in God! Our feelings, which is fleshly, will always tear down, never build up. God is the answer! The message is for those of us who call ourselves Christians and anyone else because this is spiritual! Have I become your enemy because I told you the truth?
I’ve read all the comments and this is the best one here. Amen and amen.
(AUSTRALIA) Wow, having read the blogs I am starting to feel dizzy! Before the children arrived, it was perfect harmony. Now the children have arrived, everything changes. The new child is priority, for both men and women. The woman is the mother of the child, it is more likely that she will look after the child more than the father. Especially, if the mother stays at home and the man goes off to work.
Now the world is a changing we say, but really bringing up children has not changed. We both bring love to the table and thats the important thing, LOVE. We loved each other before children arrived, so we need to keep loving each other every day for the rest of our lives. We have to share our love within our family, sometimes it’s not so easy. We have to show our children that we love each other and life becomes easier and better. Go in peace and love one another.
(USA) Children will always come first and should. The SOLE purpose of marriage is for the protecting and raising of offspring. It’s the only reason anyone should even waste their time on it. It is nature. Period. Women will always put their children first – a childs survival depends on it. I know my children come first. My eldest has autism. I spend so much time on his development and meeting the demands of my youngest, I don’t have time for myself let alone a husband who wants “servicing”. When a man becomes a job, it’s not worth it anymore.
(CANADA) This is what is wrong with the world today. Ok then ladies!, stand up and put your money where your mouth is. You go out and provide a living including all the toy’s and the house and the car and clothes for your husband and children. Sometimes neglecting your own needs to provide these things. Then let your husband (stay at home) do the laundry, clean, then watch 6 straight hours of daytime soaps. then put together dinner that takes about an hour. Clean dishes most likely in a dishwasher you provided to (help) ease his workload. Then when your sitting down at the end of the day and have extra time and want to be cuddled on the couch for your hard work and sacrifce. We’ll hug the children and talk to you about their right to stay up too, and that you should just provide a living and that were not your mothers and that you should help out. Then we’ll get up going into the bedroom slam the door, call our mothers and tell them what bad providers and wives you are and that were just sick of all whining you do. Does that sound better to you in this discription cause that is what you are asking of us. Doesn’t sound very fair does it?
(USA) I hate to tell you this, but you couldn’t take 2 hours alone in my home, cleaning, watching five children (especially if any of them are vomiting and a ballgame is on), and preparing home-cooked meals while not getting anything new for your birthday, Christmas, Valentines, while not even getting new Sunday shoes for ten years, while not getting a break on the weekends from your routine, while not even getting a break on vacations where you still cook and don’t eat out because you are trying to save money, while cutting coupons and looking for deals, while doing homework with the kids… and all of my responsibilities. You couldn’t handle it.
Don’t assume all stay-at-home moms watch soaps and eat Bon Bons all day. I tell you, even my college educated engineering, management husband can’t handle what I do. I saved him thousands of dollars by losing sleep and breastfeeding our children. I don’t even get my nails done. I walk into a salon maybe once a year to get a $15 hair trim. I never buy new clothes for myself, etc. etc. etc.
I’m NOT a victim. This is the job God gave me, and I’m going to do it with all my heart. It is a pleasure to be able to work at home or out of the home. I was trained as an architect. And look what I do now. You want to talk about getting no respect? But I could care less for the respect. My job is the hardest job on earth. I make no money though. Do you still think I’m worthless and need to put my money where my mouth is? I have none to give. When you work for free, maybe then you’ll really understand what respect and neglect are.
In America, women between the ages of 20 and 30 years are having a very difficult time finding a husband who wants to work, and most men of that age are looking for women who make money and have higher paying jobs so they can buy those toys for the men.
(USA) @Talia,
Girl, you hit it right on the head. I could not have said it any better. Doesn’t it make you fed up when self centered, men write comments that suggest that stay at home women do nothing. Women are burdened with an enormous amount of responsibilities, and many men, not all men, are unwilling to admit it. They are just too full of themselves to give women credit for all we do. As I said before, I have worked in and outside of the home. It is an awesome responsibility for any woman, because there are hundreds of behind the scenes situations and tasks that most men will never see their wives do. I admire those of you who are home all day. It can get pretty overwhelming for a wife and mother. There are few, few, few, men who have experienced it the way women do it. The women tend to really sacrifice, deny, cut corners, and neglect themselves when they are taking care of the household and the children. Men in this role, are not willing to go as far as we go.
Then these internet marriage counselors have the nerve to scold women about being in sweats all day and greeting a man at the door that way. The husband is lucky she made it through the day and kept her sanity. How ugly is that anyway? If a husband is that evil that he will allow the fact that his wife is in sweats when he gets home, to make him care for her less, he is truly of Satan, and so is the counselor who suggested that. Women have got to show a united front in situations like this and stop this movement that demeans, devalues, and scolds women and wives. We have got to be strong. I learned how to stand up and speak up a long time ago.
I love all males, but I refuse to be devalued by them.
Well, here is to the males that read this. The guy that posted this is VASTLY more accurate than the women that responded. A lot of men don’t know this but most women do and I do. I’m a male, I raised 5 kids. I raised two on my own while working full time and I raised 3 more with my wife that is disabled. Since she did no cooking, cleaning or housework, she can almost be considered the 6th child.
There are a lot of women that grossly overstate all the work they do. The don’t do that much really. Most of the women I have met don’t really even cook, they grab food from the freezer. I cook dinner from scratch every day, have for the last 25 years. I’ve gotten up, made breakfast and lunches for school, washed, dried and folded clothes, cleaned the house and every day have an hour to watch TV. This is after working a full time job. It leaves very little time for leisure activities but if I can do it in the 4 hours a day after work before going to bed, somebody that has all day and complains about being over worked is not over worked. That is a fact men, pure and simple.
(USA) Staying at home is a full-time job. The work doesn’t end… there is no clocking in and punching out. If you don’t appreciate the work your wife does then it’s no wonder she complains about your whining. No wonder your relationship is in trouble. My guess is you wouldn’t trade your job for hers in a million years. You wouldn’t get the respect you get from having a paying job, you wouldn’t get as much interaction with other adults that you do with a 9-5 job, and you wouldn’t get to put in 8 hours and call it a day. I’m not belittling your work, but both roles are important.
No it’s not a full time job and only single fathers and single mothers that work know that. It’s a part time job at best and that’s only if it’s done well and none of the kids are in school. If the kids are in school it’s as close to retirement as anybody can get (particularity if they ever serve fish sticks, frozen chicken or pizza). If the kids are in school and anybody is home full time, they are spending twice as long on leisure activities as they are working. I know, nobody can lie to me about that anymore, done it and did it better than most women I ever met.
I have to say my husband was a single dad of 1 and full time busy manager, till we married and although we share the housework he does the lion’s share with my stepdaughter (homework, trips etc).
I thank God for biological differences. I’ve observed how he can do something in half the time it will take me (eh cook, shop, tidy up). So I understand what you are saying there. AND he STILL has time for our marriage and my needs. Our different expressions and approaches are to be savoured, what we both bring to the table makes it good. Living our family and marriage is not a competition, they are gifts that we’re privileged to experience.
I came on here because I had been feeling rather left out with the attention he was lavishing on his child. But she is going through important exams and I encouraged him to tend to her. What – am I going to undermine the greater good by sulking now? I pray a respectful wife revolution sweeps the earth. Check Nine Roesner’s Respect Dare and April Cassidy’s peacefulwife.com
Yes marriage is sometimes tough. Some of the comments on here represent a bigger concern about the state of the faith – poor, overly child centric marriages are just the symptom. We need to repent, receive forgiveness, humble ourselves, confess our fears, rediscover the joy of the Lord, trust Him and be thankful in everything.
We need to be able to express to our spouses what’s important to us without blaming them, and without reacting to their reactions. God’s love is not lovey dovey,, it can be hard as nails. But it never fails. The world would be heaven on earth if Christian simply tended to our marriages as God commanded.
(USA) You all keep saying that the husband is the only one working and buying everything. STOP saying that. That is a lie. Many, many, many, women are working now and we contibute paychecks, car notes, grocery money, and other contibutions, just like the husbands.
Miguel, I don’t know who you are referring to, but you are not talking about me, my friends, sisters, neighbors, and practically all other females that I know. As far as a percentage, 99% of us work outside of the home, too, just like our husbands. You sound like you are referring to a fairy tale story. These days it is hard to find a woman who is like your example.
There are still women like his example and they’re still claiming that they’re over worked as stay at home moms. You’d think that working moms would have put a stop to that myth by now.
Over 70% of American women with children under 18 work outside the home. http://www.bls.gov/news.release/famee.nr0.htm I’d guess the stats are similar in Canada. So what is your point again?
(UNITED STATES) I disrespect my husband and my kids follow my lead. Will my husband cheat or leave me and our grown kids?
(USA) Can’t say. I do have to ask why you are worried about his behavior instead of asking for help in addressing your side of the street?
(USA) Tony, why do you keep defending men?
(USA) Jean, Hmm, the poster I replied to said she disrespected her husband. So I ask you, why are you running to the defense of someone who is clearly, by her own admission, in violation of what God tells wives to do?
(UNITED STATES) I just want to say as a Christian, that I appreciate the article about how husbands feel when wives give more attention to the children. The suggestions were great. Of course, please do an article (this is the first time I came across your website) in the same vein about how the wives feel when the husband’s give more attention elsewhere, like their work!
A lot of marriages, especially in the USA, have gone sour because couples don’t heed the Word of God. Its simple, the Bible is our Owners Manual. If we do what it says we reap the blessings. Look around, so many divorces, what a curse.
I would say the little ones are fine to give a lot of attention to, but it seems mothers still are locked into giving more attention to the children after they are grown. Both husbands and wives should put each other first. I’m still learning.
(UNITED STATES) What?! Why wouldn’t that man just change his own sheets when he wanted?
(U.S.A.) It’s true that men get the bad end of the stick! No matter how much of a brat my step daughter is my wife always has some sort or praise. And because I have something to say about it, now I’m the bad guy, the jealous one. So she goes out of her way to spend more time with her daughter, while the marriage goes drier than a hot desert.
And to all the women who put their children first and screw their husbands, it’s not long until they end up in the dating web-sites. Single mom looking for a partner! How sad. Can you blame the man for looking for a girl with no children? How selfish an attitude to have, because without us you wouldn’t get pregnant to begin with.
(USA) The fact that you are calling your step-daughter a brat may indicate that you aren’t really interested in teaching her right from wrong. Could you be the one letting the relationship deteriorate because you see women as there to “take care of you” instead of as a person to have a meaningful relationship with? “Single mom looking for a partner” sounds a lot better than “bitter needy man wants woman with no children so she can devote everything to me”. And you call women selfish? You say “without us you wouldn’t get pregnant to begin with” – so you think because you provide sperm you should be given special treatment? Without women bearing, caring for, teaching, and loving their children – this world wouldn’t be worth living in. Thank God there are emotionally mature men out there that don’t share your attitude.
(USA) You men can’t be spoiled. You have to work at the marriage too. So what if he finds another girl, good riddance! Anyway, what about when men put their fishing poles, football games, and buddies in front of their wives? You men are just as guilty as the women. Stop blaming wives for the situation in the marriage when the husband doesn’t lift a finger to be romantic to their wives.
It is not the wife’s responsibility to lead in the marriage. Being servant leader, means the man ahould be taking the initiative anyway. The man should set the example. Wives get tired of their husbands too. We want to cheat too. We look at other men too. You men who are reading this, just know that there are men out there who are attracted to your wife and she is attracted to them, just like you look at other women. Your wives fight to resist them, but after you cheat, just know that she can too.
(GREECE) I read most of the comments here and I must say… wow! People always need to organize things in an order, first, second, etc… even love. How can you say you must love your husband first and your child second, or vice versa? These are two totally different kinds of love and I really don’t understand how people can put one above the other. Why does there have to be a race for the love of the woman of the house?
It seems to me many women neglect their men, and many men whine when they don’t get attention. After all, human beings are imperfect, and you can’t expect your spouse to do everything right. Talk to each other and learn to pray and be patient and understanding. This is not a competition; it’s life. And to all the men who say that they found another woman because their own didn’t pay attention to them, well, I get their point, but that reaction shows irresponsibility and immaturity. Don’t forget a marriage takes two to work, and the fault always lies with both sides, more or less. Nobody is blameless.
(USA) Angie, this is not a writing contest. But to explain about the writing, sometimes we either forget how to, or we are so eager to get our points out, that we lump it all together. Besides, God does not judge our writing skills, the way we judge women.
(USA) Angie, do you also find that many men neglect their wives? Are you a fair and balanced person? Why would you only refer to women neglecting men? After reading this statement by so many people, so many times, here and there, it makes me question people’s intelligence and ability to be fair and reasonable?
My comment may sound cruel, but I wonder about people who continue to lie about what women are not doing. Why do I hardly see statements about many men neglecting their wives? I dare one of you husband/men supporters to put a questionnaire on this blog or anywhere online and allow men and women to write in and answer. Ask questions about feeling neglected. Maybe then you all will have an awakening and will realize that men neglect their wives just as much, but because women tend to be more self sacrificing and willing to overlook our men’s faults. You don’t read many women’s comments about this.