Do You REALLY Want to Know Why?

Really want AdobeStock_47109437 copyWe THINK we want to know. We SAY we want to know. But do we REALLY want to know why our spouse is acting or thinking a certain way? If they tell us their true feelings about something, are we going to jump all over them? We pose our question to them. But the question THEY want to know before they respond is …are we going to make it safe for them to answer us honestly?

Below you will see a “cute” cartoon. It shows two spiders facing each other. The one spider has obviously asked a question of the other one. The way we know this is the other spider says, “I’ll make you a deal. I’ll be more open about my feelings if you don’t eat me.” That’s a good deal. Who wants to be eaten alive in any context?

That leads me to again ask you the same question:

Do You Really Want to Know Why?

Encourage honesty know truth - Jerry Sinclair - Aug1
Image credit: Jerry Sinclair

Please consider where this question can lead. If our spouse tells us the truth, will we in effect “eat them alive” with our reaction afterwards?

I ask this because we’ve seen this happen in many marriages. I’ve actually done this in my own. A while back I asked Steve a question to which, he asked me, “Do you really want to know?” I said yes. But when he gave me his answer, I verbally jumped all over him. I vividly remember his reaction to my tirade. He said, “What makes me want to be honest with you when react like this when I tell you the truth?” As he said, “I’m only telling you what I honestly feel.”

OUCH!!! He was right. I don’t remember what the issue was at the time. But I remember I had one of those “AHA” moments after he said what he did. I needed to be safer in the reactions I give out after my husband is honest with me. Otherwise, he will hold back from sharing them with me. I had to ask myself, “How well do I encourage honesty?” And how well do I handle differing ways of viewing the same thing?

How Safe Are You?

I want to pose the same questions back to you. We receive so many complaints from spouses who say that their spouse is so “distant.” Their spouse doesn’t “open up” and tell their real feelings. Well, how safe are you? Can your spouse truly be honest? That may not be the only reason they open up, but it could be an important one.

If you truly want to know some of the insights your spouse can give you, you have to make it safe for him or her to do this. Please read:

How Well Do You Encourage Honesty?

Also, here’s a great article that relates that you may find enlightening as you read it:

HEAR WHAT YOUR HUSBAND ISN’T TELLING YOU

I’ve also posed that same question to my husband, “do you really want to know?” when he has asked me about certain matters. Steve will wonder about this or that, and sometimes I know that my answer will be more complicated and wordy to answer than he will truly want to know. He’s a pretty “simple answer” person. I’ll tell him that I’ll be happy to answer his question, but I’m not thinking he wants to listen to the rabbit trail of an answer. Usually, he passes on wanting an answer. (He knows how complicated my mind can be. So when I give him that warning, he’ll usually regret going forth.)

A Woman’s Mind

Talk show host, Dr Dennis Prager, has joked about how complicated most women’s minds are. He says that if most men had to spend 15 minutes in the mind of a woman, they would probably want to commit suicide. I can say, “amen” to that. I’ve often told my husband that if he crawled into my mind for any period of time, he would lose his desire to live. It would blow his mind. It’s too often on overload.

So much for wanting to be open about all our thoughts and feelings. Over-all, yes, we want openness and honesty, but there are times when we need to consider just how open we want to be about EVERYTHING. And if our spouse is open, can we truly take it all in?

So, here are a few questions for you:

• Are you really prepared to hear the answer to the question you are asking (especially if it isn’t one that is easy to hear)?

• If your spouse is totally honest with you, will your reaction “punish” him or her in such a way that he or she could end up deciding it isn’t worth sharing certain things with you? Are you a “safe” spouse to open up to?

• How well do you encourage honesty; how open do you really want your spouse to be to you concerning his or her feelings?

Truly consider your answers. They’re important ones.

Disruptive Imprints from the Past

There’s another angle to the questions I’m asking you. How safe has your spouse felt to share with others, before you even entered into his or her life? Maybe this isn’t as much about you, as it is your spouse’s past experiences (and present ones with them) coming back to haunt your marital relationship. Perhaps your spouse isn’t as trusting as he or she may be if you lay the groundwork to help him or you see that you are safe. How do you do that? It may be that you discover more about the disruptive imprints from your spouse’s past that shapes how he or she approaches relationships. These are things from the past that come up and bite us, and our spouse. As a result, it hurts your relationship.

I recommend a book that can help you to “identify the source of missteps and learn exactly what you can do about it!” It’s one that we recommend HIGHLY. It is written by relationship experts Milan and Kay Yerkovich. In this book, they “draw on the powerful tool of an attachment theory to show how your early life experiences created this intimacy imprint.” They also equip you to better deal with and break the pattern of these imprints. Here is a link to this book, plus another one concerning listening and talking. It also gives you temperament tools, to help you better understand your spouse:

• HOW WE LOVE

Talk Easy, Listen Hard: Real Communication for Two Really Different People

These are really excellent books. I hope you can and will obtain them.

Timing of our Questions and Other Reasons

But here’s the question I want to pose to you. Do you REALLY want to know what your spouse is thinking? If so, please realize that perhaps it’s a timing thing. It may be that our spouse is too tired or preoccupied to share. If so, be aware of that. Don’t ask important questions when it’s a H.A.L.T. time. (That is a time when your spouse is Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. Those are volatile times. You may not get a great response during one of those times.) Ask later.

And lastly, it may be that your spouse doesn’t feel safe for some reason. Prayerfully, and honestly consider that possibility. If you REALLY want to have your questions answered, ask God for wisdom as to how you can make it safe for him or her. We have a lot of tools and tips posted throughout this web site that can be a good place to start. Look around, asking our Wonderful Counselor, the Holy Spirit to guide you. Then glean through and take advantage of that, which the Lord shows you to read. I hope you will.

Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.

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Filed under: Communication and Conflict

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Comments

4 responses to “Do You REALLY Want to Know Why?

  1. Cindy, THANK YOU for writing this! This whole issue of safe communication is so crucial to a healthy marriage relationship. It really connected with me when you wrote “A while back I asked Steve a question to which, he asked me, ‘Do you really want to know?’ I said yes. But when he gave me his answer, I verbally jumped all over him. I vividly remember his reaction to my tirade. He said, ‘What makes me want to be honest with you when react like this when I tell you the truth?’ As he said, ‘I’m only telling you what I honestly feel.'”

    That was really an excellent example of the crux of the issue. And the issue grows larger because few guys, after being jumped on like Steve was, will continue on in the conversation like Steve did. You’re blessed to be married to a guy like Steve! The vast majority of guys will simply disengage from the conversation with a “note to self” of “If it’s a risky topic and my wife might not agree with me, keep my thoughts to myself.” I have far too many of these “notes to self” in my memory, even though I know that this behavior of mine harms our communication.

    This communication issue can also go both ways: Both husbands and wives sometimes fail and cause communication to feel unsafe for their spouses. And there are also some variations to the issue, in terms of responses. My wife will never “jump on me” over something that I say. Instead, our most common communication dysfunction is this: When I share something that my wife disagrees with, she feels a need to explain to me why I am thinking incorrectly. I will provide a one sentence answer to a question that she asked me, and if she doesn’t agree with my answer, she will talk for 30 minutes (or sometimes much longer) trying to convince me that my answer was wrong and thereby win me over to her perspective.

    My “notes to self” are continually reminding me to be cautious about sharing anything that she might disagree with. I have a question for you: What are some ways that I can gently try to get my wife to realize that when she is spending a long time trying to convince me of my errant thinking and win me over to her perspective, she runs the risk of harming our communications? I would love to be able to communicate more freely what is on my mind, without feeling like I need to be prepared to defend my every perspective in a lengthy discussion. Any thoughts? Thanks…

    1. Thanks M, for your supportive words. They truly mean a lot. And then for what you shared of your own experiences in this, thank you too. It’s good to get another perspective. It’s difficult to know how to advise you to work through this “right, wrong” …different kind of approaches to marriage issues. Part of this is “right fighting” in a lower keyed way. Here’s an article posted on our web site that explains this a bit: https://marriagemissions.com/right-fighting/. Your wife’s approach sounds more like a “right reasoning” (rather than “right fighting”) type of disagreement where one spouse is hanging on trying to convince the other that they are right, and the other is wrong. This is a type of reasoning where we need to recognize that we both just have different ways of looking at the same situation. Here’s another article (posted on another web site) concerning this matter: http://www.crosswalk.com/family/marriage/youre-not-wrong-just-different-1306705.html.

      I learned a while back to quit this pursuit. Why do I have to feel like I am right and Steve is wrong whenever we differ? Many times, it really doesn’t even matter if I believe he is “wrong” or not… the important thing is that we build relational bridges to find a solution that both of us find agreeable. I need to know when it is best to just let it go. I don’t have to be “right” about everything. And also, sometimes I think I am, but later find out I wasn’t. Other times, it truly isn’t right or wrong, but just different. We see things differently, and different is okay as long as we can bridge those differences.

      Plus, I want to create an environment in our relationship where it is safe to disagree and share with each other. If I correct him and hang on like a Pit Bull dog trying to prove my point, Steve will be less inclined to share his viewpoints. I’ve also learned that we may not always think alike, and that is okay. The important thing is that we think “together.” We don’t let our different perspectives separate us in any way, but rather find ways to go forward together in partnership.

      As far as how to get your wife to back off a bit on having to prove her points, it may just be a matter of giving her grace when you can. And other times, let her know that when she does this, it causes you to want to hold back from sharing. Try not to hold back from sharing when you can; just persevere in trying to let her know that when she keeps hanging on to prove, from her viewpoint that she is right and you are wrong, it makes you want to hold back. That’s what Steve did. It wasn’t just once that Steve made that statement to me. He said it many times before. But it was the time that I shared, that for some reason I had an “ah-ha moment” and realized that I was causing a divide by my negativity over what he shared with me. I’m truly trying to listen more, “correct” less, and truly try to show Steve that I value his opinions and views as important as my own –even if they are different. Again, different isn’t usually right or wrong, but different from our own vantage points. Hang in there… your wife seems like a great woman. Keep trying, and perhaps she will have an “ah-ha moment” like I did. I hope this helps in some way.

      1. Thanks Cindy. This is an issue that I need to personally deal with in my marriage relationship. In fact, just last night I bumped into it once again. My wife knew that something was bothering me, and she asked me what it was. But I wouldn’t tell her what was bothering me because I feared how she might react. Your prayers would be greatly appreciated. I really need to have a breakthrough on this issue. Thanks.

        1. I’ll be praying for you (Steve will too). We all go through those communication bumps in the road. May the Lord guide you over them so you come out on the other end stronger than ever before. :)